Duh?? But I thought...
I think that when you have AS, the visions in your head mean safety; but often, the realities of everyday life do not. Females (in particular) with AS have a lot of challenges with "executive function," so I keep reading. I can't count how many times I've begun even the simplest of tasks, and had to stop because I felt as though I could not stretch my mind anymore. Many of the normal daily demands of a (typical) nuero-typical person make me rather tired, to put it quite simply. In my case I don't drive, for the same reasons...it exhausts me to the point of wanting to cry.
Anyway, not having the agility or stamina to do many physical things (or only do them for a short period) makes it a challenge, even to burn our own energy. For example I would run, but even a very short amount leaves me, really sore, short of breath and feeling like I'm hyper-ventilating. So, we become immersed in our very narrow interests (I think) because they stimulate us without requiring the many changes and transitions and unexpected adjustments of say, the average married person with children. Now, many with AS DO get married & they DO have children...and very successfully. I just find that one of my obsessions is conquering the the "fear" that I won't succeed at marriage. This has been quite confusing to me for a number of reasons.
First of all, love always happens when you are not looking for it. How can this happen when my obsession is to find it? This dream, this obsession, this hope...keeps me excited, keeps me going, breathes life into me... But it's only in my head. The realities of marriage by practical experience, I know not of. I can only dream of it, and try to fill my lack of experience with "knowledge" on the subject, but this does not sharpen my instinct for the "grey" areas of life. It only gives me the FEELING that this has happened.
Secondly, why does someone who prizes being alone and having solitude want to be with someone else so bad anyway? I've never been able to figure this out. Right now I have the solitude I love...I should be HAPPY. Here's the thing: the solitude continually refuels the visions in my head that I so desperately want to apply to real life...but I can't. I need another half (as they say) to do that. This is not because I'm not good enough on my own. The visions in my head have a man and woman in them. It's not just me. This leads me to feel that there is incompleteness in my life, period. I can't seem to help it. This is a state of mind that I continually feel guilty for because I'm supposed to let God fill that emptiness, and not need anyone, right? It does not go away because the quiet and "aloneness" fuel the visions in my head, which are beautiful, wonderful, and comforting, but not reality.
It is at this point that I realize that I must keep busy, get out there and do something in order to get my mind on something else. With no car, general anxiety and awkwardness in social situations, this also is quite a challenge. I feel strange and excluded. Pressured. It's as though I have to force a lot of akward exchanges where I didn't quite "get it" to some secret spot in my mind, and behave as though they do not bother me, just to get along with others. But they do bother me. It dawns on me, that when I'm alone, none of these akward social adjustments are necessary. I run back to my solitude, and the visions and dreams begin again. The ones of me being one of two, mean. They grow and change and flourish into a hope I can't explain...but this is not reality. The truth dawns on me again...that I cannot afford to stay in this frame of mind because as soothing as it is for a time, it's simply unrealistic.
Reluctantly, I return back to reality & try to be an adult again, making lists of groceries, and Bible verses and things I should do around the house. Sometimes these endeavors are accomplished (YES!!!), sometimes not. There is a hurt inside because I have "abandoned" the most precious hope in my life. I want it back! I can't have it back, because I must stay busy and productive, social awkwardness and the sinking feeling of "drop" that I try to ignore, a lingering presence. I then resolve that somehow, some way, I need to find some sort of middle ground, where my dreams of being a couple can flourish while the reality that it is so much better for me to be single can play itself out. I then enthusiastically set out on this journey to find that strange Shang gri La. It never happens.
I am always right between two realities pulling me in two opposite directions. My dreams drown me. Reality rescues me for a time, but then becomes depressing and unfulfilling, and I need to dream. Perhaps this is more "typical" than I realize. But no wonder marriage seems to some refuge from boredom! This is awful. I probably should not have even said thar. Never get married because you are bored, or you want to escape. The consequences are dyer (so I've always been told). I believe it. I just wish I could "stop," and know that there is no need for another reality. God's grace is sufficient.
