Duh?? But I thought...
I saw a You Tube video about a girl who has HFA. The video demonstrates a typical day for her, dealing with her sensory issues and normal worries. Her dad does a voice over, and says: "In some ways, I think her having HFA can even be harder than if she were severely Autistic; because, you seem to spend your whole life being almost there...and then the disability takes over, and she realizes again, that she didn't quite make it. Whereas, if a person is severely autistic, their limitations can be much more clearly defined, and also their abilities." I think he was trying to say that there may not be as many grey areas for someone with severe autism, and this can make things less complicated overall (??). Hmmm... I am thankful to God for all of the ability that I have. What a gift!
This morning I saw a FB post from a page dealing with Autism and AS, from a person who is worried because they are an adult now, and their parents are getting older. People around this person are telling them that they need to get their life together and be an adult (because of the age of their parents). I can relate. Personally, I know that God gives everyone different strengths and weaknesses for a reason. He places different people in our lives, not just because we need them, but because they need us too. But it's no mystery that Autistics often don't reach normal milestones that show development at the typical time that others around them do. Hey, in many cases we DO reach them, and we do it well. But I think we often feel an acute sense of alienation, because we seem to live so much of our life, "out of gear" from most around us. Now our lives are so full of specific mercies and graces that God tailors to our situation and circumstances. Things that we would never know, were it not for the "weaknesses" in our lives that allow his strength to show.
What happens when someone comes of age (as it were) and they've been of age for a long time, but are still dependent on adults in ways that they dearly wish they were not? What if there seems to be no way to fix it, and so they must give into the weakness and allow others to help them? What better way to demonstrate God's grace, right? But here's where the fear comes in: The adults around this adult are getting older, they're tired (maybe they're hurting because they can't do a lot of things they used to). The one thing those of us with disabilities do not want is to be a burden to those around us. It breaks our hearts when we start out with so much passion, drive and enthusiasm to do the right thing (this we have droves of energy for) and then we get that feeling of "drop" as we must come to the realization that our bodies and senses are not able to handle the day to day processes of... working an 8hr a day job, or driving a car, handling multiple directions at once, dealing with bright lights, loud noises, and the overwhelming feeling that we just want to hide under a blanket and cry. There's a torrent of questions that run through our minds all the time. Sometimes, one of them is: Do I completely suck as a human being?" Ouch.
Now, as depressing as this is, I think we ALL have asked this at times of ourselves. I'm not saying that this is exclusive to those with disabilities...it isn't. But as we with disabilities get older, it becomes harder and harder to deal with the "burden" that we are a burden to others, I think. Sometimes we hate the fact that we feel like a little toddler learning to walk and we need a stronger, wiser, more capable adult to lean on to help us up the stairs of life. Add to this, the fear that those who make up our support system ARE getting older. Sometimes we fear that they will die and leave us. Then what?? What do we do when we feel like we're sliding around on thin ice and we're only trying to keep from sliding. We need to hold somebody's hand for that, but we feel rotten for sort of "attaching" to someone else. We're an adult now, right? Many of us also have a "crippling" fear that those we have to depend on, might secretly hate us. Because we can't seem to grow up. We can't get our lives together. We seem to always need the same assistance for the same things, and so we are forced to find different ways of measuring our successes in life, that usually are not the more noticeable successes of most of those around us.
Who wants to live with a spirit of fear (especially when God has not given us a spirit of fear)? So the guilt becomes thicker. Sometimes it seems to eat at our hearts like a moth eats at an old sweater. We know, we can't attach to other people THAT much, so we develop other attachments, vices, and methods of coping that often are unconventional and can seem childish, even. We have a Heavenly Father who understands. Anyone, who wants to ask me why I believe in God, it's that simple. He is the empathy that I often do not show to others...and not because of any Autism. It's because I'm self centered and want my own agenda, with the least amount of complication. Hey, doesn't everybody?
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
Monday, October 21, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Noises Off
Duh?? But I thought...
Sometimes what goes on inside is so all consuming that the physical body has no energy. Forgive me for the times I say way too much and seem to dump it all on your head. Quiet, sweet, full of wisdom...sure. But it feels like there's a volcano inside that threatens to erupt. It's energy, that I never seem to get rid of. When relaxing takes effort, you know you're in trouble, right? I wish I could run and run and run....but it's not going to happen. It's like there's another person and she's trapped inside me. The more she tries to get free, the more (she) is restrained. What do I do? It's like I'm underwater, swimming towards the surface, needing to concentrate...where is the top? Nothing can be released until I reach it. I finally make it, the air hits my lungs and this long scream wants to ring out. But it can't.
I must be reserved, in tact...and sociable. So, I am, I suppose...should I have a script? I just want to hold on to an idea, or thought...maybe one I had when I was "under the water.". Everyone wants to talk. Can I make room for what they want to say? I'll try. But excuse me if I need to step out. Sorry if I don't look at you or answer your question.
Don't worry, it is not your fault I want to just pull a blanket over my head. It's just too much? The light, the sound, the voices everywhere around.
My own thoughts won't leave me be, and I need to turn everything off.
Sometimes what goes on inside is so all consuming that the physical body has no energy. Forgive me for the times I say way too much and seem to dump it all on your head. Quiet, sweet, full of wisdom...sure. But it feels like there's a volcano inside that threatens to erupt. It's energy, that I never seem to get rid of. When relaxing takes effort, you know you're in trouble, right? I wish I could run and run and run....but it's not going to happen. It's like there's another person and she's trapped inside me. The more she tries to get free, the more (she) is restrained. What do I do? It's like I'm underwater, swimming towards the surface, needing to concentrate...where is the top? Nothing can be released until I reach it. I finally make it, the air hits my lungs and this long scream wants to ring out. But it can't.
I must be reserved, in tact...and sociable. So, I am, I suppose...should I have a script? I just want to hold on to an idea, or thought...maybe one I had when I was "under the water.". Everyone wants to talk. Can I make room for what they want to say? I'll try. But excuse me if I need to step out. Sorry if I don't look at you or answer your question.
Don't worry, it is not your fault I want to just pull a blanket over my head. It's just too much? The light, the sound, the voices everywhere around.
My own thoughts won't leave me be, and I need to turn everything off.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Fear
Duh?? But I thought...
I think it's hard when someone longs deeply to do something...because they are so afraid of it. But maybe, the fear involved, is the very reason they should not do it. I have figured out that this is the reason that I am not content being single. I've always held the idea of marriage in my mind as a refuge for all of the uncertainty of being single. Sorry for breaking the rule of "enjoying" being single...but it's true.
In the very back of my Bible I have a note that reads:
"The intensity of my desire to be married has been fueled by a profound fear that I'd never succeed at it."
Yes, this is quoted...actually written in the back of my Bible. No one else said it (on the radio, or anything). This is literally a major answer to prayer that I was prompted with one day, and I was convicted that I needed to write it down. It's dated February 10, 2008. Do I want to be motivated by a spirit of fear? Absolutely not. But I must be honest, and forgive me in advance if this becomes too intense. The more time that goes on, the more the fear that I will never get married seems to choke me. Then I feel doubly bad because apparently, I'm not handling this like an adult.
The truth is, I am a child of divorce who is scared out of her mind that I've been disqualified from being married at all because of things that she's already been through. On top of that, I tend to have a bad temper and a lot of difficulty making transitions. Gee, the groundwork for staying single permanently seems to be laid, doesn't it?
I hate those parts of me. My bad temper. My trouble making transitions. My pessimism, and my tendency to assume the worst. Awful. That's not how I see myself in my head, ya know? In my head, I want to overcome all my laziness and help anybody I can. I want to be self-controlled and have things be decent and in order. Temperate. Mellow. Somebody who knows God is in control, and she models that...rather than being moody and panicked. I've heard it all. I know it always comes when you're not looking for it. I know God is in control. I know he knows what he's doing. I know he knows exactly what I can handle. I know I can't rush it. I know singleness is a gift. I know there are a lot of lonely married people. I know marriage is not a fix-all. I know married people have problems too.
Okay, so now that it has been established that I'm such a "know it all"... (sorry) :) I'm going to be a know it all just a little bit longer, and then I'll stop.
I know I need to keep busy. I know I need to GET busy and serve people. I know I can't look for anybody to complete me. I know the divorce rate is alarmingly high, and I know I don't want to become another statistic. I also know that I romanticize way too much and this doesn't help. I know that I'm living in a culture that does not encourage marriage anymore because too many of them fail. I've been told countless times that I'm just better off not being married. It's easier, and anyway, it's not worth it to get married because it probably won't last. All of this just breaks my heart. The truth is, that I do have a terrible sense of incompleteness (even with God in my life) that I know marriage will not fix. I'm embarrassed to talk about that because I don't have the life experience to understand that marriage won't fix that. I know I don't want to find this out the hard way. But then I'm left suspended in mid air, between a rock and a hard place, having no clue what to do.
I end up beating myself up because I can't seem to learn that God is enough, and I need to trust Him. Why can't I understand this? Why don't I get it? I feel like I'm in a world where practically everything is something I'm not allowed to do, and I'm supposed to be happy about that because it's so much easier than trying to make a life with someone. Maybe so...but something is definitely wrong, and I need to know what it is. Maybe I really do think that I am less of a person because I'm not joined in marriage to someone. How could I ever admit this without feeling like the dumbest Christian who ever lived, because I should know better?
I hate the fact that I feel unqualified to handle God's most sacred covenant. This is heartbreaking to me! I don't like it at all. If I spend everyday feeling like I can't be who God made me to be...how am I supposed to be assured that I'm not less of a person? Apparently, this IS who God made me to be...single. But it's miserable. It's lonely. It's incomplete...I'm sorry, but it is! Yes, I know, there are a lot of lonely married people out there too right? So does that disqualify me from even saying anything about it? I'm just trying to figure out where the screw up came in. Something is wrong. I just wanna know what it is. Is that all that life is...just being thankful that things are (just) horrible and not MISERABLE too?
I know a lot of successfully married people. I want so badly to understand what makes them so...but none of them seem to want to encourage me that I could ever have the same thing. What is wrong with me? What do you guys know that I don't? (a lot, I'm sure!). If marriage is that miserable, why'd you guys do it then? Seriously...these are things I want to ask someone.
In the end, I just need to keep trusting God. This is true. I'm not stupid. I know marriage is hard and it will never complete me. NEVER will I run out & just marry anyone because I just don't wanna be single anymore. I have too much pride in the person God has made me to be. Am I scared to get married? Yes! Of course! I don't think I'd be human if I were not. All I can say is...I need to (at the right time) conquer this fear. A fear that I must get honest about, but I shouldn't even be operating out of...so, what do do with that?? Anyway, we're all damaged (not perfect, I mean). I think the deception comes when we (I) believe that I am more damaged than most. My goal now, is going to be to humble myself & not be so full of conceit.
I think it's hard when someone longs deeply to do something...because they are so afraid of it. But maybe, the fear involved, is the very reason they should not do it. I have figured out that this is the reason that I am not content being single. I've always held the idea of marriage in my mind as a refuge for all of the uncertainty of being single. Sorry for breaking the rule of "enjoying" being single...but it's true.
In the very back of my Bible I have a note that reads:
"The intensity of my desire to be married has been fueled by a profound fear that I'd never succeed at it."
Yes, this is quoted...actually written in the back of my Bible. No one else said it (on the radio, or anything). This is literally a major answer to prayer that I was prompted with one day, and I was convicted that I needed to write it down. It's dated February 10, 2008. Do I want to be motivated by a spirit of fear? Absolutely not. But I must be honest, and forgive me in advance if this becomes too intense. The more time that goes on, the more the fear that I will never get married seems to choke me. Then I feel doubly bad because apparently, I'm not handling this like an adult.
The truth is, I am a child of divorce who is scared out of her mind that I've been disqualified from being married at all because of things that she's already been through. On top of that, I tend to have a bad temper and a lot of difficulty making transitions. Gee, the groundwork for staying single permanently seems to be laid, doesn't it?
I hate those parts of me. My bad temper. My trouble making transitions. My pessimism, and my tendency to assume the worst. Awful. That's not how I see myself in my head, ya know? In my head, I want to overcome all my laziness and help anybody I can. I want to be self-controlled and have things be decent and in order. Temperate. Mellow. Somebody who knows God is in control, and she models that...rather than being moody and panicked. I've heard it all. I know it always comes when you're not looking for it. I know God is in control. I know he knows what he's doing. I know he knows exactly what I can handle. I know I can't rush it. I know singleness is a gift. I know there are a lot of lonely married people. I know marriage is not a fix-all. I know married people have problems too.
Okay, so now that it has been established that I'm such a "know it all"... (sorry) :) I'm going to be a know it all just a little bit longer, and then I'll stop.
I know I need to keep busy. I know I need to GET busy and serve people. I know I can't look for anybody to complete me. I know the divorce rate is alarmingly high, and I know I don't want to become another statistic. I also know that I romanticize way too much and this doesn't help. I know that I'm living in a culture that does not encourage marriage anymore because too many of them fail. I've been told countless times that I'm just better off not being married. It's easier, and anyway, it's not worth it to get married because it probably won't last. All of this just breaks my heart. The truth is, that I do have a terrible sense of incompleteness (even with God in my life) that I know marriage will not fix. I'm embarrassed to talk about that because I don't have the life experience to understand that marriage won't fix that. I know I don't want to find this out the hard way. But then I'm left suspended in mid air, between a rock and a hard place, having no clue what to do.
I end up beating myself up because I can't seem to learn that God is enough, and I need to trust Him. Why can't I understand this? Why don't I get it? I feel like I'm in a world where practically everything is something I'm not allowed to do, and I'm supposed to be happy about that because it's so much easier than trying to make a life with someone. Maybe so...but something is definitely wrong, and I need to know what it is. Maybe I really do think that I am less of a person because I'm not joined in marriage to someone. How could I ever admit this without feeling like the dumbest Christian who ever lived, because I should know better?
I hate the fact that I feel unqualified to handle God's most sacred covenant. This is heartbreaking to me! I don't like it at all. If I spend everyday feeling like I can't be who God made me to be...how am I supposed to be assured that I'm not less of a person? Apparently, this IS who God made me to be...single. But it's miserable. It's lonely. It's incomplete...I'm sorry, but it is! Yes, I know, there are a lot of lonely married people out there too right? So does that disqualify me from even saying anything about it? I'm just trying to figure out where the screw up came in. Something is wrong. I just wanna know what it is. Is that all that life is...just being thankful that things are (just) horrible and not MISERABLE too?
I know a lot of successfully married people. I want so badly to understand what makes them so...but none of them seem to want to encourage me that I could ever have the same thing. What is wrong with me? What do you guys know that I don't? (a lot, I'm sure!). If marriage is that miserable, why'd you guys do it then? Seriously...these are things I want to ask someone.
In the end, I just need to keep trusting God. This is true. I'm not stupid. I know marriage is hard and it will never complete me. NEVER will I run out & just marry anyone because I just don't wanna be single anymore. I have too much pride in the person God has made me to be. Am I scared to get married? Yes! Of course! I don't think I'd be human if I were not. All I can say is...I need to (at the right time) conquer this fear. A fear that I must get honest about, but I shouldn't even be operating out of...so, what do do with that?? Anyway, we're all damaged (not perfect, I mean). I think the deception comes when we (I) believe that I am more damaged than most. My goal now, is going to be to humble myself & not be so full of conceit.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
A Drink of Water in the Desert
Duh?? But I thought...
Gonna make this one short and sweet because I'm tired...but I just wanted to get something down before I forgot about it. Tonight, I did a YouTube search on Autism and sexuality. Found a video from a young guy (I gather he was in England, but I'm not positive). Anyway, he used a certain sentence that just struck me, because it seemed to convey exactly how I feel...but I've never been able to word it exactly like he did.
He said: "You mourn the loss of something you've never had because you know you're never going to get it.".
Yep! Bingo!...Bulls eye! That's it! This explains why, deep down, part of me always feels like Charlie Brown when Lucy snatches the football, and he lands flat on his back...or like Bugs Bunny when he says:
"Something tells me I shoulda stood in bed!"
Leave it to me to make comparisons with cartoon characters...but it's true! My mother has told me before that she feels really bad because she didn't really teach me any coping skills; but, to my relief, I think that those with Autism have difficulties LEARNING coping skills to begin with! Now, I know what you're thinking:
"How do you know you'll never get it? What do you mean?"
Well, in my case, I mean, a husband and a regular job. Those who are autistic want so much just to be on par with "normal people" (or you might say neuro-typical people). I think we grieve because something inside us is petrified that we never REALLY will be. I also think this is part of the reason we have meltdowns. I further believe that this is the reason we put so much weight on normal, everyday, mundane experiences, and we LONG for those things (eg. Marriage, job, moving away, children (maybe)). I mean, what is it like to literally long for those things all the time and then be petrified because you don't even know if you have the coping skills to deal with any of them? I mean, I know I couldn't even fake it! There's not enough emulating I could do of anybody, to do that EVERYDAY...I don't think so.
So, do I resign myself to the fact that it's just EASIER and my life is more simplified if I don't even try?? Who needs that?? That's crazy...and I refuse to give into it! But it's like I said...there's a grieving that goes on... for what I've never had, because I know I'll never get it. Things have to be altered, they have to be changed... They have to be adapted...and for that matter, I DON'T know that I'll never get it. But sometimes the breath of hope is stale air, and I'm struggling to FEEL as important as I really AM to God. Letting patience have it's perfect work is one thing...I just wanna make sure I don't dry up...you know? Anybody else feel that way?
Gonna make this one short and sweet because I'm tired...but I just wanted to get something down before I forgot about it. Tonight, I did a YouTube search on Autism and sexuality. Found a video from a young guy (I gather he was in England, but I'm not positive). Anyway, he used a certain sentence that just struck me, because it seemed to convey exactly how I feel...but I've never been able to word it exactly like he did.
He said: "You mourn the loss of something you've never had because you know you're never going to get it.".
Yep! Bingo!...Bulls eye! That's it! This explains why, deep down, part of me always feels like Charlie Brown when Lucy snatches the football, and he lands flat on his back...or like Bugs Bunny when he says:
"Something tells me I shoulda stood in bed!"
Leave it to me to make comparisons with cartoon characters...but it's true! My mother has told me before that she feels really bad because she didn't really teach me any coping skills; but, to my relief, I think that those with Autism have difficulties LEARNING coping skills to begin with! Now, I know what you're thinking:
"How do you know you'll never get it? What do you mean?"
Well, in my case, I mean, a husband and a regular job. Those who are autistic want so much just to be on par with "normal people" (or you might say neuro-typical people). I think we grieve because something inside us is petrified that we never REALLY will be. I also think this is part of the reason we have meltdowns. I further believe that this is the reason we put so much weight on normal, everyday, mundane experiences, and we LONG for those things (eg. Marriage, job, moving away, children (maybe)). I mean, what is it like to literally long for those things all the time and then be petrified because you don't even know if you have the coping skills to deal with any of them? I mean, I know I couldn't even fake it! There's not enough emulating I could do of anybody, to do that EVERYDAY...I don't think so.
So, do I resign myself to the fact that it's just EASIER and my life is more simplified if I don't even try?? Who needs that?? That's crazy...and I refuse to give into it! But it's like I said...there's a grieving that goes on... for what I've never had, because I know I'll never get it. Things have to be altered, they have to be changed... They have to be adapted...and for that matter, I DON'T know that I'll never get it. But sometimes the breath of hope is stale air, and I'm struggling to FEEL as important as I really AM to God. Letting patience have it's perfect work is one thing...I just wanna make sure I don't dry up...you know? Anybody else feel that way?
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Noise
Duh?? But I thought... My family always seems to be in perfect sync with each other when when they talk. They speak in sync with each other and it doesn't matter what else is going on,...they always know what the other one is saying. But I'm the one who does not get heard. I try to join in conversations like those around me, and I'm ignored. I have to say things 3 to 5 times before they are even heard. I begin a sentence and I'm completely cut off. I sit between my family, trying to literally be in the middle of what's going on. It never ceases to amaze me, because my family will talk AROUND me and OVER me to each other, but I get cut off, and am not heard. I try to explain my position, and just sound completely ridiculous because the only problem seems to be that I am just too sensitive(maybe...but I can't help it.). I end up sitting on the sofa, just looking at my IPad, and grinding my teeth because I want to be heard, but I can't. When I raise my voice, I seem to just disrupt the flow of everything. My family is in sync with each other, and then they look at me like; "What's your problem?"
Most of the time, I don't really know how to get excited about the stuff my family goes on about. I find that I usually have to hear a conversation about three times before I can really respond to it the way I want. The first time, would simply be to take it all in, and make sure I understand what it's about! The second time would be to pick through and find the parts that best relate to me, and that I'm interested in. The third time would be to put together something thoughtful in response that I really want to say. However, this "process" is not real life. I only get one shot, and I'm dealing with switching subjects and sarcasm, and loud voices and jokes, and whatever is on TV. And that's another thing: Why does everybody always wait until I'm trying to watch TV to talk about everything under the sun?? I'll be watching a program that I've been waiting to watch ALL DAY, and THEN my family will start talking back and forth to each other, across the living room and the kitchen.
It is at this time that I officially become the "bad sport" because I literally become a spoiled sport. I have to get as close to the TV as possible, so I can try to hear what's going on. If ever I ask that others hush so that I can hear what's going on, I can tell that they don't get what my problem is. Then they feel nervous, like they can't say anything. (No... Just quiet down so I can hear!). The other thing I never understand is that supposedly, my family wanted to watch the same show too. But then they talk through it...loudly, and usually about things that have NOTHING to do with what's on TV.
Well...I can't hear. I can't concentrate. I can't enjoy the show because all the noise just gets mixed together and I can't process what's going on. But the worst is yet to be told :). At any given point somebody will suddenly go "So what happened?". I don't know...because I'm finding out what's happening at the same time they are...and I'm now being interrupted by someone asking me to explain what's going on! This just distracts me even further! So then, that person goes: "Well, you've been watching it, haven't you?". Strange. At the risk of just being a selfish brat: Umm, doesn't anyone else get that maybe if they would shut the hell up, I would KNOW what was going on?? Doesn't anyone else get that they said THEY wanted to watch this too...and now they're just being rude?? Doesn't anyone else see me sitting as close to the TV as possible so I can hear?? Doesn't anyone else hear me trying to " break into" this conversation so that I don't just sit there with a bad attitude all night? Doesn't anyone else get that I'm just trying to "join" what's going on, so that I don't give others the feeling that I'm being rude to them?? No. They don't even notice.
But if I get Mad, and I tell them how I feel, and I let them know that I'm mad...now I'm the one who's being rude to THEM... I'm the one with the bad attitude (they think)...I'm the one with the problem. It's ridiculous! And people wonder why those with autism are not very sociable! One minute people feel the need to remind me that I need to say something when something is wrong. The next minute, I'm trying to say that something is wrong, and I feel like I have to scream to do it because nobody hears me, and then people don't want to talk to me because they don't know what my problem is. Such is life, in an Autistic's world, I think. They say, don't sweat the small stuff. What if all you have is "the small stuff"? Amazing, when all you want to do us live your life, and others won't let you and then they think (I'm) the one with the problem. I know this is the kind of stuff that we are supposed to just laugh off...but I don't think it's funny, myself. If this were a Dear Abbey letter...I would sign it, "Frustrated."
Most of the time, I don't really know how to get excited about the stuff my family goes on about. I find that I usually have to hear a conversation about three times before I can really respond to it the way I want. The first time, would simply be to take it all in, and make sure I understand what it's about! The second time would be to pick through and find the parts that best relate to me, and that I'm interested in. The third time would be to put together something thoughtful in response that I really want to say. However, this "process" is not real life. I only get one shot, and I'm dealing with switching subjects and sarcasm, and loud voices and jokes, and whatever is on TV. And that's another thing: Why does everybody always wait until I'm trying to watch TV to talk about everything under the sun?? I'll be watching a program that I've been waiting to watch ALL DAY, and THEN my family will start talking back and forth to each other, across the living room and the kitchen.
It is at this time that I officially become the "bad sport" because I literally become a spoiled sport. I have to get as close to the TV as possible, so I can try to hear what's going on. If ever I ask that others hush so that I can hear what's going on, I can tell that they don't get what my problem is. Then they feel nervous, like they can't say anything. (No... Just quiet down so I can hear!). The other thing I never understand is that supposedly, my family wanted to watch the same show too. But then they talk through it...loudly, and usually about things that have NOTHING to do with what's on TV.
Well...I can't hear. I can't concentrate. I can't enjoy the show because all the noise just gets mixed together and I can't process what's going on. But the worst is yet to be told :). At any given point somebody will suddenly go "So what happened?". I don't know...because I'm finding out what's happening at the same time they are...and I'm now being interrupted by someone asking me to explain what's going on! This just distracts me even further! So then, that person goes: "Well, you've been watching it, haven't you?". Strange. At the risk of just being a selfish brat: Umm, doesn't anyone else get that maybe if they would shut the hell up, I would KNOW what was going on?? Doesn't anyone else get that they said THEY wanted to watch this too...and now they're just being rude?? Doesn't anyone else see me sitting as close to the TV as possible so I can hear?? Doesn't anyone else hear me trying to " break into" this conversation so that I don't just sit there with a bad attitude all night? Doesn't anyone else get that I'm just trying to "join" what's going on, so that I don't give others the feeling that I'm being rude to them?? No. They don't even notice.
But if I get Mad, and I tell them how I feel, and I let them know that I'm mad...now I'm the one who's being rude to THEM... I'm the one with the bad attitude (they think)...I'm the one with the problem. It's ridiculous! And people wonder why those with autism are not very sociable! One minute people feel the need to remind me that I need to say something when something is wrong. The next minute, I'm trying to say that something is wrong, and I feel like I have to scream to do it because nobody hears me, and then people don't want to talk to me because they don't know what my problem is. Such is life, in an Autistic's world, I think. They say, don't sweat the small stuff. What if all you have is "the small stuff"? Amazing, when all you want to do us live your life, and others won't let you and then they think (I'm) the one with the problem. I know this is the kind of stuff that we are supposed to just laugh off...but I don't think it's funny, myself. If this were a Dear Abbey letter...I would sign it, "Frustrated."
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