Fear

Duh?? But I thought...

I think it's hard when someone longs deeply to do something...because they are so afraid of it. But maybe, the fear involved, is the very reason they should not do it. I have figured out that this is the reason that I am not content being single. I've always held the idea of marriage in my mind as a refuge for all of the uncertainty of being single. Sorry for breaking the rule of "enjoying" being single...but it's true.

In the very back of my Bible I have a note that reads:

"The intensity of my desire to be married has been fueled by a profound fear that I'd never succeed at it."

Yes, this is quoted...actually written in the back of my Bible. No one else said it (on the radio, or anything). This is literally a major answer to prayer that I was prompted with one day, and I was convicted that I needed to write it down. It's dated February 10, 2008. Do I want to be motivated by a spirit of fear? Absolutely not. But I must be honest, and forgive me in advance if this becomes too intense. The more time that goes on, the more the fear that I will never get married seems to choke me. Then I feel doubly bad because apparently, I'm not handling this like an adult.

The truth is, I am a child of divorce who is scared out of her mind that I've been disqualified from being married at all because of things that she's already been through. On top of that, I tend to have a bad temper and a lot of difficulty making transitions. Gee, the groundwork for staying single permanently seems to be laid, doesn't it?

I hate those parts of me. My bad temper. My trouble making transitions. My pessimism, and my tendency to assume the worst. Awful. That's not how I see myself in my head, ya know? In my head, I want to overcome all my laziness and help anybody I can. I want to be self-controlled and have things be decent and in order. Temperate. Mellow. Somebody who knows God is in control, and she models that...rather than being moody and panicked. I've heard it all. I know it always comes when you're not looking for it. I know God is in control. I know he knows what he's doing. I know he knows exactly what I can handle. I know I can't rush it. I know singleness is a gift. I know there are a lot of lonely married people. I know marriage is not a fix-all. I know married people have problems too.

Okay, so now that it has been established that I'm such a "know it all"... (sorry) :) I'm going to be a know it all just a little bit longer, and then I'll stop.

I know I need to keep busy. I know I need to GET busy and serve people. I know I can't look for anybody to complete me. I know the divorce rate is alarmingly high, and I know I don't want to become another statistic. I also know that I romanticize way too much and this doesn't help. I know that I'm living in a culture that does not encourage marriage anymore because too many of them fail. I've been told countless times that I'm just better off not being married. It's easier, and anyway, it's not worth it to get married because it probably won't last. All of this just breaks my heart. The truth is, that I do have a terrible sense of incompleteness (even with God in my life) that I know marriage will not fix. I'm embarrassed to talk about that because I don't have the life experience to understand that marriage won't fix that. I know I don't want to find this out the hard way. But then I'm left suspended in mid air, between a rock and a hard place, having no clue what to do.

I end up beating myself up because I can't seem to learn that God is enough, and I need to trust Him. Why can't I understand this? Why don't I get it? I feel like I'm in a world where practically everything is something I'm not allowed to do, and I'm supposed to be happy about that because it's so much easier than trying to make a life with someone. Maybe so...but something is definitely wrong, and I need to know what it is. Maybe I really do think that I am less of a person because I'm not joined in marriage to someone. How could I ever admit this without feeling like the dumbest Christian who ever lived, because I should know better?

I hate the fact that I feel unqualified to handle God's most sacred covenant. This is heartbreaking to me! I don't like it at all. If I spend everyday feeling like I can't be who God made me to be...how am I supposed to be assured that I'm not less of a person? Apparently, this IS who God made me to be...single. But it's miserable. It's lonely. It's incomplete...I'm sorry, but it is! Yes, I know, there are a lot of lonely married people out there too right? So does that disqualify me from even saying anything about it? I'm just trying to figure out where the screw up came in. Something is wrong. I just wanna know what it is. Is that all that life is...just being thankful that things are (just) horrible and not MISERABLE too?

I know a lot of successfully married people. I want so badly to understand what makes them so...but none of them seem to want to encourage me that I could ever have the same thing. What is wrong with me? What do you guys know that I don't? (a lot, I'm sure!). If marriage is that miserable, why'd you guys do it then? Seriously...these are things I want to ask someone.

In the end, I just need to keep trusting God. This is true. I'm not stupid. I know marriage is hard and it will never complete me. NEVER will I run out & just marry anyone because I just don't wanna be single anymore. I have too much pride in the person God has made me to be. Am I scared to get married? Yes! Of course! I don't think I'd be human if I were not. All I can say is...I need to (at the right time) conquer this fear. A fear that I must get honest about, but I shouldn't even be operating out of...so, what do do with that?? Anyway, we're all damaged (not perfect, I mean). I think the deception comes when we (I) believe that I am more damaged than most. My goal now, is going to be to humble myself & not be so full of conceit.