Lectured...

Duh?? But I thought...

My step dad used to lecture me incessantly. He made me nervous...what else can I say? Very rarely, would he ever speak to me. Instead, it was always AT me. I remember...his vehicle (whichever one he had at the time) would pull in the driveway, and everyone in the house had to quickly look like they were doing something...because if not, we were lectured on the ills of having done nothing all day. Usually, we were only relaxing because it was evening, and we were tired because we'd been busy all day...but that made no difference. I remember him making me look up the words "Independence" and "Systematic" in the dictionary because he'd decided that I wasn't good at either one one of these things...and it was time I learned what they were. I was only 11.

He was an artist. When he married my mother, our garage became his (sort of) studio. One afternoon while I was washing dishes (a MUST as a daily chore), I suddenly heard him out there cussing. I thought I heard him drop something, and I wondered if he hurt himself. When he came in the house, I made the mistake of asking him if anything was wrong. It was a mistake because he became really nasty with me. He demanded to know why I would assume anything was wrong...and didn't I know what I was doing when I ASSUME things? Apparently, I was making an ASS out of both him and myself (ME).

He stood in the kitchen and lectured me; warning me I needed to mind my own business. I stood there mortified, with a squished dish rag in one hand and a wet glass in the other as he went and got a pad of paper and...wrote the word ASSUME on it in all caps. I figured out that he was still showing me what I had done wrong...but. WHAT was that exactly? I had't even gotten to tell him that I just wanted to make sure he was okay. He wouldn't let me! He asked me if I knew what I had done...telling me to LOOK at the word on the paper. I stared at it hard; but had NO idea what he meant. (For goodness sakes, I was only a kid!)

Many a discussion with him suddenly and unexpectedly turned into a noisy torrent of words that just made me wish I could dissolve onto the floor into a puddle. Then I wouldn't have to hear anymore. His words hurt. Sometimes, I felt like he was literally hitting me on the head with a hammer. I wanted to scream: STOP!!! But then, I'd never hear the end of THAT. My only option was to stand there and allow him to "teach" me what I'd done wrong. I had done nothing wrong. So why did my "parent" (figure) suddenly seem so determined to "break" me? I remember one night, he came in the door from work, and mom and I were relaxing on the sofa. The armchair in the corner was piled with clean laundry...which he suddenly began throwing at us. Here it came...the lecture...and all the humiliation that came with it. Why were we so lazy and why hadn't we done anything all day. (??)

This is not about laundry, dishes, or looking up words in the dictionary. And that is exactly my point. These things are not important. So why did I need to build an imaginary wall around myself? I didn't want to; but so often, perpetual "bullets" would fly. Why did he get SO MAD...SO EASILY?? I drove myself crazy trying to answer this question. I decided (at some point) that I would not love him; I didn't want to be close to him...and I would NEVER be like him...EVER. I learned quickly to keep as close as possible to my mother, and do everything I could to rise above, what I deemed was, his own stupidity.

If he lectured me or called me any names, I'd pretend I was holding a giant mirror in between us. That way, he'd be staring in that mirror and treating HIMSELF like dirt kicked under somebody's shoe. He wasn't talking that way to ME!

I think there's a lot of truth in the way I sheltered myself. As badly as he treated me at times...he must've felt a hundred times worse about himself. In order to "dump" all that on someone else, a person has to have all that going on inside of them...yeah? The problem was that my "empathy" Became less and less. Oh, don 't misunderstand me: His treatment of me and refusal to ever acknowledge it was NOT my fault. The thing was...the less empathy I allowed myself to have for him...the angrier I became. The angrier I became, the more isolated I was...even though I poured myself into so many other things, like my friend's at school, my homework, and the support group I attended. I knew nothing at that time about AS or Autism...I just knew that I had a step dad who would get mad at me and ask me if I wanted to be dumb all my life. Looking back...I wonder if he was actually petrified because he thought that I believed HE was dumb. Poor guy. Yeah...I said that...poor guy.

People only wound someone else when they are wounded themselves. As an adult, now determined to move on with my life...I need to remember this. Back then, the one thing we had in common that smothered everything else, was our wounded spirits...mine because he was wounding it...and his because of years of experiences (most of which I will never know about) that I as a child, should never have been expected to grasp. I now know, that we really did have so much more in common with each other than that; but his need to hold me down, and my need to be left alone suffocated everything. I had not planed to write this...but I think I needed to because here it is...what can I say?

Anyway...he died a few years back. He'd had mounting health issues, and we'd been silently preparing (or knowing we needed to) for a long time. I'd spent the first night in the first place I had all to myself. I was still in bed that morning, boxes stacked everywhere, when my phone rang. I didn't answer it. I was exhausted and I let it ring. About an hour later, it rang again, and I was up then. It was my mother, telling me that he had passed away the night before. I was numb...but it was a displaced, well-we-knew-this-was-coming kind of numb. I hadn't allowed myself to "feel" towards him for so long, that it was hard now. I was sad, of course, but I immediately went down the road of well-at-least-he's-not-suffering-anymore. I know now, that I was only continuing to do what I'd always done: I held myself together because I'd learned for so long that around him...it was not safe to fall apart. At his funeral, the dam broke (as it were), and I cried like a baby...sobbed on my mother's shoulder. I don't think anybody expected this... certainly not me! It's not that I was DETERMINED to keep it out...I just didn't even realize that I felt that bad...that I was hurting that much...that I missed him...that I loved him.

The feelings that I had wanted to express to the man that I came to know as a parent when he was alive...had to wait until he had died to show themselves. I guess in his world, vulnerability was not accepted...so try as he might...he couldn't take it from anyone else. This is my theory, anyway. I know now, that I had convinced myself for so long that I had never needed him...that I would not let myself know that really did need him.

I needed him. I loved him.

I'm still not used to saying this at all...because I'm still waiting for the "lecture.". Now...I'm scared to death of someday marrying somebody just like him. But this is a tragic statement... One that I do not want to become my mantra! This is why...as long as I've been single...the idea of marriage has never left my mind. But determining who I will never be like is pitiful grounds on which to build God's most sacred institution. So I'm now attempting to do what I could not... and then WOULD not allow myself to do. I know I need to let myself love the man that I was so determined I hated...only to protect myself. Hard as this might be...I really believe I need to open these "floodgates"...either that, or stay bound to trying to keep them locked up. Who needs that?!! I don't want my heart to stay a place where vulnerability isn't allowed to flow freely. I need to do this for ME...not anyone else; and for so long, this had never occurred to me.

So now, I want to take memories...experiences...things from back somewhere in my mind that don't involve a feeling of "drop.". I want to invite these things in, and start allowing myself to embrace all the things good, about a man that I learned to look at as a threat. Children should never have to learn to defend themselves from those who are supposed to make them feel cared for and safe; nor should adults, for that matter. But so often, this is what happens, and as a result, so many believe that marriage isn't even worth it anymore. How sad is that? No, marriage is not a requirement to be a great person...I just Want to make sure that I don't forfeit my future because I can't face my past.

PS...I know I have not said his name once here. It was Daniel.

Straight From the Heart

Duh?? But I thought...

Here I am in this blog which has an odd name (hey that almost rhymes), wondering how on earth to approach what I'm about to write...

This particular blog, has to do with my experiences dealing with Asperger's Syndrome...which I suspect I have, though I am only self-diagnosed. I do however, have another disability, which I was diagnosed with at birth. I have Cerebral Palsy. It's mild...I've had doctors tell me before that If I had not said anything, than they would've never known. Course... Then they see me walk and test my coordination a little, and they see that, yes...I do in fact have the condition caused by lack of oxygen (usually at birth).

CP can cause a whole mess of symptoms, many of which can be actually similar to Autism. I've looked up MANY lists of symptoms for Autism and AS (for both boys and girls) and with all of them combined, I found that many were similar...even identical to CP. As a result, I've even wondered if I was misdiagnosed because the symptoms for Autism seem to fit me even better than the one's for CP. Each of these conditions varies greatly, person to person, and AS affects girls very differently than boys...because our brains are wired differently to begin with... we're girls, right? Keep in mind, I'm no doctor...these are just observations of my own. Anyway, long story short, I think my CP has "masked" my Autism, and that's why we've never known I have it.

Now, I tell you that story, to tell you this story. (This story is quite different, but my point is the same).

I've always been quite sensitive...too sensitive, in fact. Always had a very childlike quality to me...look younger than my age, tend to love childlike things, and I have a need to know that there are still good intentions in the world. Any of these qualities, were either assumed to be just my natural personality, or attributed to a sensitivity brought on by struggling with CP all my life. Having a disability can bring with it an uncommon sense of tenderness, am I right? But sometimes one condition can either lead to, or "mask" another condition that the person can be puzzled by later on...

I once found a blog online simply called "Astrid's Blog.". If I remember correctly, Astrid is a bisexual female living with AS. She basically writes about what it is like to be bisexual and also have AS. As I looked through the blog, my mind started racing, as it often does, and I began to question many things.

I can say that, one thing I have never been unsure about, is whether I'm attracted to guys or girs. I am a princess, wanting to meet prince Charming...no question about it. To put it bluntly, I'm not attracted to females, I definitely like guys. But the thing is...I tend to like GAY guys...rather than straight guys. Okay...What's up with that? The problem there, obviously, is that gay guys are not attracted to GIRLS...Duh, right? But what the heck is goin' on there? Hmmm...the visions in my mind have always been, one man, one woman...for life. Obviously, this does not always happen, but ideally, that's what I want. I had two boyfriends back in high school, but the true love I've always wanted has elluded me...

Never could I understand why. Why didn't I want to date like a normal person? Why did all guys seem to scare me somehow? Why did the few guys I would become attracted to...usually turn out to be gay? (I would find out later). There would never be an actual relationship, mind you...just the hope for one. I would think that some guy was just the greatest thing since sliced bread, and get all ooey gooey over him...followed by a great big OOPPSS..don't think so. I should point out, that this was, either in reality...or fantasy. I would develop a fantasy around an actor, for example...and then find out he was gay.

Now, many actors ARE gay...duh, right?, there's no question about that. But the actors who actually had wives at home, rarely interested me at all. I thought they were not nearly as cute, and too rough around the edges. This always turned me off somehow. Now actually, I'm sure this is not as uncommon, or even as weird as it seems. I'm attracted to...tenderness, sweetness, sensitivity...and gay men have all of these things in abundance. Simple...and actually pretty smart, I think. (Until you consider that gay guys are not interested in girls) :) OOPPSS.

What I never could understand is how I would be drawn to gay guys...without KNOWING that they were gay. There's a big difference between knowing a man is gay while being attracted to his amazing qualities, and just not knowing...and then finding out the hard way. What I'm saying is, I would innocently believe that they were straight...being drawn to the sweetness in their hearts and countenance. I've never been someone who could "tell"...In retrospect, I can't tell even when the indications are screaming at me. Could this be due to AS? Do we just "not pick up" on those things?

Now, some people who are gay don't want everyone to know, that's true. On the other hand, some who are gay, just assume that everybody knows (I've had a few friends who did, anyway). But I always felt so strange because most people around me could (apparently) "tell". Most of the time, I couldn't. I never assume someone's gay, so until they tell me...or someone else does, I don't know. My attractions, and the fact that I could not pick up on a guy's sexual orientation really would make me wonder whether something was wrong with me. Bisexuality? That one's even harder for me. I mean, I can only relate to the way a guy treats ME. How am I supposed to tell whether he's attracted to guys too? Or do I just suck, because I can't tell? Is it like it was with me in the doctor's office?: I wouldn't know unless the person told me? What a mess! (from my perspective). I HAVE good taste in men...I mean, look at David Bowie! :)

As I said before, I am, at my core, a princess waiting for her prince...but everything about the process of pursuit (guys pursuing girls) was so uncomfortable and weird to me, that I would "run" from it. Wait a minute...he's the pursuer. He's supposed to chase me, and I'm supposed to let him catch me, right? This is the way it's supposed to be, right? All I can say is...I was (and still am) really afraid of letting any guy get too far into my world. I have a constant fear of being belittled and ridiculed...especially by men. The fact is, most qualities present in straight men are one's that I've had to learn to protect myself from, rather than be comfortable with. I prefer not to go into specifics, but like I said, gay men tend to be gentler, softer, and willing to be sure they don't hurt those around them. To a childlike, oversensitive girl like me...this is safety. This means I can breathe. This my "Teddy Bear" I've wanted all my life.

Is it possible for a guy to be straight but think like a gay man? How can it be when gay men are attracted to men? Seriously...I'm not being rhetorical here. How much harder is it when people "wonder" about guys who are even slightly tender or effeminate... as if being gay is the only possible reason a MAN could have for not being an obnoxious pain in the ass. Now I have known some amazing, sweet, considerate, "temperate" gentlemen who know how to treat their wives like Queens. Know where I met them? In church. Oh boy, now I've opened a different can of worms, but what can I say...it's true.

Is it POSSIBLE that some men who are gay or bisexual, are struggling with it because in their heart of hearts they don't think they were meant to be? And if a guy has Autism or AS, can he possibly be more "prone" to being gay or bisexual? (Maybe the autism "masks" it for awhile?). For instance, gay men tend to have many fetiches. (This is according to Dr. Joseph Nicolosi). What is a fetich? It's an unusual fixation with something, right? Don't people with autism develop many "unusual" fixations or obsessions? This is NOT to say that every autistic person is gay, or vice versa. No, not at all.

I then had to go on the personality traits of gay men that I have known. Just the one's I came up with in my mind matched traits found in most autistic (boys...but some of the same characteristics are found in autistic females too.). OCD tendencies, a need for strategic order (meticulous), overly sensitive (perhaps inappropriately sensitive?). As I looked all of this up, I became very sad...

Do you realize that for every AMAZING gay man on the planet, a girl misses out? This is heartbreaking to me because gay men are so wonderful. I mean, how many times have I heard that all the "good ones" are either gay or taken? So, I wanna know...Is there a way to turn it around? For those who might WANT to turn it around...is there a way to turn it around? I know, I know...we're always told that homosexuality needs to be accepted and embraced...and it DOES...for the sake of being honest. But what if a person could honestly turn homosexuality around if they wanted to?

I looked more into Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. His website says in bold letters: "You Don't Have to Be Gay". Wow. What does that mean?? Dr. Nicolosi says that in order for homosexuality to grip a person, they have to be disconnected from their body. Don't most autistic individuals have issues with...being "disconnected"? From their body? From what's going on around them? From other people (especially sexually?). I saw a FB post just today that dealt with asexuality in those with autism. Someone quoted Dr. Tony Atwood, who says that most Autistics tend to either not want sex at all, or they go the other way and become preoccupied with it. Now, asexuality is a different issue, I know, but I'm wondering about confusion. If a person grows up being confused about their body in general...can they not become confused about their sexuality too?

According to Dr. Nicolosi, something called Repairative Therapy can help a person learn to feel again, and discover what he calls their " heterosexual potential". He says that society teaches that shame comes when one finds out that they ARE homosexual. But he says Repairative Therapy teaches that homosexuality develops because people are attempting to repair what they are ashamed of. He says they learn to disconnect because they are trying to repair what's missing-- what has been "broken off" because of shame.

So, just how early does this process begin? Dr. James Dobson (Focus on the Family & Family Talk Radio) says it can begin as early as 18 months of age. He says that for a boy, there comes a point when they need to "break away" from mom and start "identifying" with dad (and being a man). But, apparently, this does not happen for all boys (or girls) but I'm sticking with guys here because I'm attracted to guys. :). Now, to me, all of this is very encouraging BECAUSE...according to the info. I found, homosexuality is not a choice people make...but neither are they born with it. It seems to me that it is a process that takes place in a child too young to even know what's happening to them. This also tells me that the "root" cause of homosexuality develops because a person is trying to survive and make sense out of things (though they don't know that in the beginning). So, then, the answer is not to accuse a homosexual of not caring about anything sacred and just abandoning it, right? Seems to me that they are trying desperately to get close to what is sacred, and moral, and right, not separate from it. Now, that's my opinion, based on what I researched; but it made light go on in my heart, because finally, this complicated subject made some sense!

Now, as mentioned, I don't have an issue with my own sexuality. My issue has to do with a fear of danger associated with men who are straight (because of past treatment). But amazingly, Dr. Nicolosi says this is the same issue that homosexual men have. That is, something happens to them that makes them afraid of men! This to me, is extremely interesting, because wouldn't you think that gay men would be afraid of WOMEN?(Isn't this why they gravitate toward men, because they're afraid of women? Dr. Nicolosi says no. Homosexual men are afraid of MEN. But they are desperately trying to connect with what they are afraid of (I would imagine, so they can conquer the the fear). He says that when a homosexual boy becomes a man, it's no longer about daddy teaching him how to be a man, but he still has the deep core loneliness inside. So he now struggles to "connect" with the men he's afraid of in another way. JN also says that homosexuality actually is not a a sexual problem...it's a gender identity problem. He quoted a client who'd been treated at his clinic as saying the following: "I realized that I don't have a problem sexually, but I DO have a problem with everything else."

Would a homosexual male, then, be unable to identify with women because he has not been allowed to identify with men either? I don't know. This is just a question that came to mind. But if it's true, it's just heartbreaking! Our men can learn to be men, so they can't identify with women either? What else is there? How does he deal with all the arguments, and stereotypes and scrutiny from others? Imagine, trying to escape one fear, only to be judged for who you've become? I think that whatever our views are on homosexuality...we need to look within the heart and empathize with someone who is probably very lonely. Those who are homosexual, and bisexual, need our love, and our support. Not our lectures, not our sermons, not our defensive arguments, and not our distancing ourselves. This only creates mistrust, which does not help. For the homosexual who secretly wishes for a wife and children, he needs to be able to voice that without being treated like he's a liar. He needs to know that there IS help and support. To the woman out there who is trying to get up the courage to let her defenses down, and just let a man be a man...I empathize with you. To the woman who feels safe with a man who's gay because he has the sensitivity she's wanting...I get it.

Lastly, to the person, who's autistic. They're lonely, curious and having trouble identifying with the same sex...let alone, the opposite sex...praying that you find someone you trust whom you can emulate, and share your feelings without fear. Do everything you can to build your confidence up, and be assertive...but gentle.

Much more to say, but I'm in need of sleep...

Blessings my friend!








How does a man be comfortable in his masculinity, and still be sweet and tender? How can a woman be comfortable in her femininity and ALLOW a man to be masculine, without unconsciously wishing he were more of a "girlfriend"? I know there are different kinds of "assertiveness," but which kind am I supposed to have? I mean, I have it in my head that straight guys are going to judge me or hurt me, or put me down...so I'm on the defensive there. This is not good, I know (because it doesn't help me get into a relationship); but I'm still trying to figure how to turn it around.