Don't Tell Me That!

Just listened to part of a video from a life coach that said (on the thumbnail): "Autistics Don't Know Who They Are." (Ahem)... I beg your pardon? Really?...Ha!  No, no, no...I know who I am just fine.  The problem is that by definition,  having this thing called a life requires me to waste all my time FIGURING OUT everybody else!  There's a HUGE difference.  By the time I'm done, there is often little to no energy left to truly be me.

In truth, sometimes it's hard for me to write posts on this blog because I still have so much to learn about autism itself.  But I do know that my greatest fear...is having no idea who I am, so when I hear people saying that this is one of the SIGNS or TRAITS of autism...a certain dread fills my soul. Great...its inevitable...there's nothing I can do about it.

I know that I'm quiet and intense.  I make others nervous without intending to.  It takes me a long time to warm up to people.  At the same time, I am FEIRCELY protective of myself...so I can blow you off for what seems like no reason at all, and never give you a reason why; but if I even have a feeling I have a FEELING that something  just isn't right, I will make an exit from a situation,  giving no reason why I did it.

I am extremely sentimental.   My favorite thing in !my life now is a rabbit...a stuffed animal that really looks real!  I bought him at an estate  sale and only paid  3 bucks for him.  Can I brag about that or does it make me sound childish?

I absolutely dread the question "What do you do?" because I'm always afraid the person who asked it might see me as a total failure.  This is because I'm not living up to my  full potential  and I know it.  This bothers me, yes...but tomorrow I will have another day to work on it. This, to me, is more empowering than thinking (you) might reject me because I seem lazy to you.  I know Im not supposed to give rat's behind about this, but I do.  I want be accepted, and found to be interesting by people I interact with.  Of course.  Everybody wants that.  We're designed to want connection with others--even if you're  like me and you need A LOT of quiet, alone time.  I think not caring about this is not normal, and if someone walks through life claiming that they dont care what anyone thinks of tem, they're  lying.

I'm always wondering what sort of emotional calluses  a person has over their heart and what might be done to soften them (if that makes any sense).  I will move Heaven and earth in order to see the good in people...and sometimes, this isn't a good thing.. There are many people on this earth that sadly, are not worth that effort, but my brain will not compute this.  I know it's true, but to me, it's like abandoning part of God's creation, of which I am a part.

My savior is Jesus Christ and I'm proud of it. HE was the best decision I ever made and I thank Him that I made it. I believe in predestination and free-will.  Yes.  Deal with it. Moving on, I will always feel like a little girl who needs to hold someone's hand...no matter how old I get.  But because I have to be an adult, sometimes I put ridiculous amounts of effort into making sure this doesn't show.

As child-like as I know I am, I absolutely loathe those who seem ro make a career out of being immature.  They seem to thrive on it. They're arrogant and their words are empty, shallow...and way too many.  There's a HUGE difference between being child-like and childish.  I need a shirt that says this.  Because I HATE the second thing, but my personality seems to be chiseled  from the first. I am quiet and contemplative.  I dont like to run my mouth, and if I dont say anything,  it's probably because there's too much noise in the room already.  But when I'm comfortable with you and I have the energy, you can't shut me up.

Do I like to cook? Well, I gotta eat, dont I?  IF I have the energy, and I think something is worth the time and effort, and groceries, then yes, I like to cook.  But the rest of the time, cooking becomes one of these monotonous  things I have to do whether I like it or not...because my dream of getting take-out every night without going broke or gaining a bunch of weight will just have to stay a dream.

Speaking of weight, I do not keep a scale in  the house and I do not weigh myself.  This is because I decided a long time ago I was not going to ever worry about my weight or punish myself with food...be that, denying myself, or eating too much.  Moderation.  Enjoy what you eat but try not to eat so much you're miserable. (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday being excluded).  I gotta draw  the line somewhere.  I enjoy, food, I do not use it to make myself feel guilty.  I never count calories.  I dont eat "diet" food EVER, because it's bad for us...our bodies were never made to digest all that stuff.  Margarine is OFF LIMITS on my house.

I try to live by the rule that my house should feel like home.  There should be a "lived in" quality about it, that says "it's okay to be yourself around here"  Get comfortable. "  Not a museum.  Not a hotel.  This is my home-- and I want it to feel that way to all who enter-- although, I am by myself most of the time because I tend to be most comfortable that way.  I like things to be decent and in order but it is not easy for me  to keep them that way.  I have to work at it.

  Because I am so sentimental  about most things, I love all the memories attached to my stuff...so it's hard for me to get rid of the stuff because  I think all the memories go with it.  I'm also pretty creative.  I'm not always so good about finishing the projects I plan.  I am good, however, at planning  to make something, buying all the stuff for it, putting it somewhere in the house and then  noticing a month later that the stuff is still sitting there.

So, I know I could say many many more things...but I believe that I DO know myself, and I know myself pretty well.  I think it takes courage to take your time doing things  and it takes courage to say no to others so (I ) can take care of myself.