Masking

Duh?? But I thought... Masking Autism in Women This is all personal opinion. I am not a doctor. I cannot diagnose anything. As I say often on here, the word Autism means One or within oneself.  My understanding of this is that we go within ourselves first, we sort of "pull out" who we are and set it in front of us like the picture that a puzzle makes.  We then want people to "notice" our "puzzle" and tell us what they think.  (And that's only if we're in the mood at the time).  Usually, we don't care...the only person we need impress is ourselves, and everybody else...well, we love ya...or hate ya...but you know where the door is. Does this sound a bit harsh?  No worries...keep reading. This is of course, only my opinion; because, as the saying goes: If you've met one person with Autism...youve met one person with Autism.  Apparently, women with Autism are able to "mask" their autism better than men do.  Really?  Well, even trying to find information about the specific ways autism affects women is challenging because the general criteria or characteristics tend to be based on the way autism affects men and boys. So, put simply...we girls tend to hide it better, is that it?  I think so.  The challenge can be explaining what this means without completely losing the identity of the person.  With us girls, it can be difficult for us to even know we are autistic because there seems to be something built into us that allows us to camouflage it...even from ourselves. There is a well known psychologist named Tony Atwood who specializes in women with Autism.  Why women I'm not sure, considering he's a man...but anyway...Atwood claims that. Autistic women and girls have a sort of a blank slate inside that we cover or fill up by mimmicing or copying those around us.  I was not bothered by this discription UNTILL I heard him say that because of this, autistic women don't really have a personality of our own. (This is all my paraphrasing, by the way.  None of these are verbatim quotes). But...excuse me...WHAT? (Oh, I'm IN this now!).  I was basically just told I don't have a personality of my own...that I need to "copy" it from somebody else.  Wait a minute...doesnt everybody do this sometimes?  Doesn't everyone have moments when we don't have a clue?  Don't we all need to look to others sometimes because we don't know what we're doing? I just used a psychologist's knowledge in my own words so there would be a place that my ideas are coming from.  That's a blank slate..that I just "filled" so I could make my point.  Everybody does that.  This does not mean that women with Autism don't have their own personalities. So, let's try this again:  We become master's at looking like we know what we're doing so people can't tell that (maybe) we really don't.  Ouch. Are we fake?  All depends on the character of the woman, but this dilemma is VERY real and sometimes very scary. This makes me think of the expression "Boys will be boys."  Yes, I'm still talking about women...but it occurs to me that I seem to have just described the social norm...for a guy.  Double ouch?  Wow...sorry...but what's up with that anyway?  Masking?  Maybe a better question is...why are men allowed to get away with it, and women are not?  Now, to the men: Lets hear it for our men, who strive to do everything they can to be a teddy bear and a man of steel all at once (and that's IF he's a man of quality to begin with).  They must mask a lot. In order to...just get through a day and make everything amazing for us.  But with men...the social norm seems to be that he is ALLOWED to be...what?  (Fill in the blank...) see there it is. Insensitive? Clumsy?  In need of someone to...(what)? Check on him and "fix" all the things we know he's going to get wrong?  Again OUCH!  I'm sure some people would call this marriage, but honestly...how disrespectful is THAT? Yes, I'm still talking about WOMEN with Autism.  Here's the thing...I once found an article which claimed that women with Autism tend to have more MASCULINE personalities and or temperaments.  I think we need to keep in mind that a lot of men are really boys in men's bodies.  A lot of women are really boys...in womens bodies.  I didn't say girls in women's bodies did I? What happened there?  Let's look at social norms again: Masculinity = strength.  Femininity = weakness.  Men are insensitive dorks who can't get anything right. (Ouch).  Women are the saviors of the world who have been oppressed for too long and are now entitled to be right all the time...either by demeaning men, or becoming their mommies. People with Autism do NOT obey social norms.  We usually don't know what they are, and those of us who find out are often crushed under the weight of trying to...figure them out.  Translation: It's just too much.  This is why we claim we prefer honesty...but often can't handle it.  Why?  It can become complicated very quickly, but, most people are honestly fake.  Why?  Because we have to be if we want to be sociable.  There's that word again: "social." So, let's look at some more norms: I'll borrow a line from "Bridgette Jones's Diary":  "I am the intellectual equal of everyone here."  Just imagine you're at some stupid social function.  First of all...who talks like that unless they are actually in a movie?  Probably nobody.  Am I masking the truth that I I don't really have my own explanation for all of this?  You bet!  But I don't believe what I just said is DISHONEST.  I just used someone else's words.  Are my own not good enough?  Depends on how one looks at it:  That was a line from a movie, but it made MY point so well that I do believe I ROCK! SO...heres another line from a movie:  "Intellectuals are proof that you can be brilliant and know absolutely nothing."  That's Woody Allen.  I forget which movie but it doesn't matter.  Again, who talks like that unless they're actually IN a movie?  But the point is this: People who try too hard to prove that they are smart, often do not know much of anything underneath. So to take both of the lines I used, knowing that people don't normally speak that way,  this is usually what is going on underneath in most, or many social situations:  I want to look and sound like everyone else here so it does not show that I have no clue.  So there it is: A person does not have to be autistic to go through that, but if we are autistic...its harder to hide.  We would rather live by our own rules because the invisible ones that others seem to know instinctively...these don't come instinctively to us.  We have to spend a lot of energy trying to figure these things out from situation to situation.  Our thinking seems flipped on its head from others around us, and we stick out like sore thumbs. But there's one thing I left out:  We have to spend a lot of effort figuring these things out where other people are concerned.  When we're by ourselves, there is no one else to figure out or try and mesh together with.  It's not that this can't be done, but again, it does not "flow" instinctively for us.  I think it's sort of like an etch a sketch.  Remember those?... Each event that happens in the course of a day has its own etch a Sketch and the knobs are turning, making a drawing.  But when something changes or shifts, or you begin doing something else, that drawing is shaken up and it goes away...because a new drawing begins for that change.  We then have to go back through the "pictures" now erased, to remember what we've done so far...even for minor changes in the course of a day.  This is not a memory lapse.  This is not us being crazy.  This is more of an internal juggling act we do all the time...because none of the pictures are connected.  They are individual...independent of themselves, each with their own frame and when a task or a subject has to be meshed or blended with something else, we have to go and find the drawing (now erased) that goes with that task, thought or transition.  We sort of have to connect things manually, or with deliberate intention, rather than having all of the pieces connected and moving along as though they're on an assembly line.  Each of our pictures go into a "filing cabinet" (if you will) in our minds. And each time we connect something to something else, we have to find the file in our minds and then find the picture we want, and sort of "piece" everything together that way. Dear reader, this process is BEYOND exhausting.  The changes.  Moving pictures.  The "flashes" like clicks on a camera.  It's as though we're constantly chasing after the ""pieces" that never stop moving out of place while trying to appear altogether in the present. These are all the things autistic women are trying desperately to "mask" or cover up.  Our energy levels and becoming very overwhelmed, even with minor tasks can lead to meltdowns...which are obviously completely unacceptable in so many life situations.  So where does all that energy go?  In many cases, it has to be stuffed (at least for awhile) because the high level of energy that needs to be released...just can't be...at the time. So, we spend a lot of time studying and researching and trying to find methods for things over which we usually have no control.  This can give a sense of having a handle on things, but can lead to a total sense of failure when we find "loopholes" in our carefully thought out trouble shooting.  So, autistic women apparently mask all of this better than autistic men do. I did a personality assessment once and was told that I often appear to know more about things than I actually do.  This is fair and this is accurate.  However, I really am a smart lady who knows a lot.  Why do we think we have to appear smarter than we really are?  What is it we are trying to make up for?  Why is this even necessary?  I don't know.  I feel that it has to do with a fear of failure and feeling like we're not good enough... We are nice people who really believe that most people are nice as well.  But we become scared to death that this belief actually makes us stupid...even as children.  Therefore, we are constantly looking for some "hidden" meaning that is underneath what everyone else is saying.  Our rude awakenings usually begin with bullying and teasing in school.  We are different.  We are strange.  We dress funny.  Our speech is more formal.  Our interests are not typical for our age.  For example, when I was eleven years old, my mother and I visited the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose.  I bought a book all about it at the gift shop and then...I couldn't stop reading it.  Meaning, I took the book to school and kept it on my desk.  So, at recess and lunchtime, I was reading all about different kinds of wood and furnishings and finishes, and strained glass windows, the Winchester rifle...and a rather odd lady who tragically lost her husband and her baby daughter. (Poor thing).  But I learned early that if you want to be NORMAL and keep up... You have be-- trendy.  You have to be interested in the same things that others around you are interested in.  Here's the thing: Stuff that is trendy (in retrospect) is usually very temporary and usually demeaning and unkind to others, or promoting messages to be that way.  No worries...Im not saying that the latest drink at Starbucks is going to be that way.  But...if you wanna be in control, you gotta be cool.  You wanna be cool, you gotta be completely unaffected by things that should bother a decent person. To give another example:  When Madonna came on the scene, I was just seven years old.  I watched her roll around on the floor in that white lace veil with her belt that said Boy Toy, singing "Like A Virgin."  I was truly bothered by it.  I knew somehow that it was...gross.  It was, inappropriate.  It was (to me) not nice.  It was adult.  But all these things somehow made it not good...that she was doing it, or that kids were watching it.  But everyone around me seemed to act like it was normal and perfectly alright.  So I did as well.  I really did not think so, but apparently, being normal meant accepting it and also going along with it Autistic women do not respond well to suppressing our instincts, our emotions or our opinions.  But we live in a world where we are taught that nobody is "normal" unless they do this.  Because you have be cool in order to fit in and not let things bother you.  This is never stated directly...if it were, then the jig would be up.  No, it's implied...constantly.  Innuendo, connotation, metaphor.  I know what these things are now because I'm an English major, who certainly is not age seven anymore.  But autistic women will state directly and accurately what the rest of the world wants to imply or cover up. We want to cut to the chase and just say: Well, this is the way it is. PS...anything else I can help you with? So we tend to not socialize well. We consider much of what others call small talk to be a waste of time. It is basically, too much information that really doesn't tell us much. We are oblivious to this as children, and as an adult, we have to constantly "remember" to stay in the conversation, rather than drifting somewhere in our own head...where we feel safe. We feel safe in our own head because everything belongs to us and there are no wrong answers. There is nothing implied that we need to figure out. Ahhh, sweet relief! So, the definition of Masking that I found as I was looking into this had to do with trying to come off as smarter than we really are and the "gaps" in that masking are the points where it shows...that we don't have the actual experience to back up what we know. Sometimes we're just mentally and emotionally worn out and can't keep up. This one paragraph could actually summarize it. All the rest of this comes from me feeling as though I am actually describing a Neuro-typical ...man. Or a man who does nor have Autism. Again...whats going on there? I'm really not sure...but why do I think Psycologists can't really explain it either? I'll put it this way: Our childlike sensitivity, our uncensored and direct perspectives, our belief (to the ends of the earth) that no one within our circle would want to hurt us, our "cut to th chase" style of just getting straight to the point: These things make us who we are, but they simply are not received very well in a world that wants us to cover all that up. So we mask it. Sometimes our mask cracks and there are gaps. I THINK those "gaps" are just evidence that we need to take a breath.