A Drink of Water in the Desert

Duh?? But I thought...

Gonna make this one short and sweet because I'm tired...but I just wanted to get something down before I forgot about it. Tonight, I did a YouTube search on Autism and sexuality. Found a video from a young guy (I gather he was in England, but I'm not positive). Anyway, he used a certain sentence that just struck me, because it seemed to convey exactly how I feel...but I've never been able to word it exactly like he did.

He said: "You mourn the loss of something you've never had because you know you're never going to get it.".

Yep! Bingo!...Bulls eye! That's it! This explains why, deep down, part of me always feels like Charlie Brown when Lucy snatches the football, and he lands flat on his back...or like Bugs Bunny when he says:

"Something tells me I shoulda stood in bed!"

Leave it to me to make comparisons with cartoon characters...but it's true! My mother has told me before that she feels really bad because she didn't really teach me any coping skills; but, to my relief, I think that those with Autism have difficulties LEARNING coping skills to begin with! Now, I know what you're thinking:

"How do you know you'll never get it? What do you mean?"

Well, in my case, I mean, a husband and a regular job. Those who are autistic want so much just to be on par with "normal people" (or you might say neuro-typical people). I think we grieve because something inside us is petrified that we never REALLY will be. I also think this is part of the reason we have meltdowns. I further believe that this is the reason we put so much weight on normal, everyday, mundane experiences, and we LONG for those things (eg. Marriage, job, moving away, children (maybe)). I mean, what is it like to literally long for those things all the time and then be petrified because you don't even know if you have the coping skills to deal with any of them? I mean, I know I couldn't even fake it! There's not enough emulating I could do of anybody, to do that EVERYDAY...I don't think so.

So, do I resign myself to the fact that it's just EASIER and my life is more simplified if I don't even try?? Who needs that?? That's crazy...and I refuse to give into it! But it's like I said...there's a grieving that goes on... for what I've never had, because I know I'll never get it. Things have to be altered, they have to be changed... They have to be adapted...and for that matter, I DON'T know that I'll never get it. But sometimes the breath of hope is stale air, and I'm struggling to FEEL as important as I really AM to God. Letting patience have it's perfect work is one thing...I just wanna make sure I don't dry up...you know? Anybody else feel that way?