Duh?? But I thought...
I find myself getting so angry over little things. I have a temper...it's true...and I hate it. Or do I? Sometimes I think I've had a bad temper so long, I just expect people to let me get away with it. What do I do? For instance, I absolutely hate being patronized or placated, and yet, I know that most of the time people must do both of these things when dealing with me because I'm so sensitive. Seems like every little thing hurts my feelings. I beat myself up inside because I can't seem to grow up. I drive myself crazy because I can't relax...it's ridiculous. I spend so much time talking through things that have already happened. (!!!). I make too big a deal out of everything.
I just told a family member that sometimes they just make me wanna scream...Ironic, considering this family member has every right to say that to ME. :). They said to me: "Talk about wanting to scream, I never know what I should say to you. So, I tell you what, I just won't say anything.". Poor thing. I don't make it easy on people. I actually dread people's silence more than I dread them yelling at me. I have an insatiable need for connection with people, but am so rigid in the ways I think about things that I push people away. I really try not to be, but it seems like this rigidity is the only thing that makes me feel safe. Again, this is ironic for someone who can't seem to handle even simple instructions from people. It's not a ritualistic, sort of OCD kind of thing. It's just that every instruction someone gives me, I have to make room for in my head. My brain, and everything else gets tired, and I can't process what people are saying to me. I snap at people, almost like someone is sticking me with a pin... Ouch! It's like there's a conveyor belt in my brain, and it's moving too slow. It's overloaded...even in simple things. I wonder all the time whether this means I'm retarded...literally.
This word, that we overuse to mean anything that's negative, actually just means "slow.". If you see the word "retard" on a piece of sheet music, it just means slow down, for example. Hmmmm. I just know I have to spend a lot of time having to "eat crow" because I've over-reacted to...anything...you name it. By the way, why do they say "eat crow"? I know what it MEANS, but what does putting a squawking black bird in your mouth have to do with admitting you're wrong, or apologizing, or taking back what you said about something?
