Duh?? But I thought...
Earlier today, I saw on Facebook that a well known Christian woman, probably best known for being content in her singleness...is now engaged. Immediately, I internalized it...felt the burn of jealousy, and then wondered whether God was punishing me (Is this about the friend's I rejected back in high school?). Just another example of a random event which has NOTHING to do with ME, that I felt an extreme need to be connected with, or attached to. It was almost as if I was angry with this woman for reminding me that I'm still a miserable failure when it comes to marriage, but now SHE is not! She has succeeded at it somehow, while I still cannot. Is this thought process ridiculous? You bet. Ridiculous, unnecessary, untrue, and harmful to my own character. (Never mind OTHER people assassinating my character...I can do it to myself).
This is just one example of how the Aspie mind can torture the person.
Another persons success at something does NOT equal my failure...but most often, this is the first place my mind goes. Here's the thing: People with AS, analyze everything to death, and then work too hard at trouble-shooting and finding every blind spot so they will KNOW how to do something just right. Then, in our minds, we expect a reward. We do. We expect people to pat us on the back, praise us, stroke our egos...we expect the GOOD to WIN. We expect to obtain that thing we've been pining for. Why not?... We've waited long enough. We've studied every nook and cranny till we're left on the floor with no energy, right? So, when we see OTHER's obtaining that same reward when it APPEARS that they have not waited as long, or tried as hard, or cried as much, or suffered as much isolation...we tend to take it VERY personally. We measure our own suffering against another's...and often become convinced that we have somehow been "snubbed," because WE would have been much more worthy of some blessing it seems has been awarded to another.
As someone with self diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome who is also a follower of Yeshua (Jesus), regrettably, I spend a lot of time becoming angry with God for this very thing...not just other people. I feel much closer to God than I do to other people in general because I know that Yeshua understands these ongoing, internal struggles...whereas other people do not. And why should they? Oftentimes, a person whom I "project" this sort of anger towards...has no clue that I even feel that way. This is because I've not actually spoken to them about anything...the conflict is completely internal...and also completely my own problem. I've now put myself in a position where I'm needing empathy I cannot get, because the "others" involved...have no clue that they're even involved. In other words they don't know I'm feeling the way I do. Oftentimes I fear that my issues are so trivial and "out there" that anyone I tried to tell them to would never see the preverbal "knives" stabbing me from the inside. Either that, or they would just think they were totally ridiculous. (I mean, look at me...I'm wasting energy being angry at a woman I've never actually met before, because she's engaged...and I'm not. I literally think this makes me a terrible failure somehow. It does not. This is not true in the least. (Goodness sakes)!!
Being too embarrassed or afraid to talk about these irrational thought processes, leaves me to try and "hold it all in" somewhere. The inadequacy of something I can't control, continues to "stab" me from the inside and sometimes, something seems to "break." Suddenly, something that has nothing to do with what's going on inside, will "trigger" feelings of anger or depression. I often feel "two foot small" like John Lennon says in "Hide your love Away.". Speaking of marriage in general, the preverbal "ball of yarn" inside continues to unravel when I wonder why anyone would want to marry me...because I drive myself crazy and would probably drive him nuts as well. I am constantly mumbling under my breath because all these struggles somehow need to make their way out verbally...it's like releasing pressure so that the "volcano" on the inside does not erupt. But this is another behavior that has cost me dearly. I mean, who wants to be around someone who (might be) mumbling about them or putting them down?
Okay, so, now my "child of God," nip it in the bud mentallity is taking over, so here we go... As it says in the 12 steps of recovery, "our thinking becomes distorted, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.". Is that what has happened here? Absolutely! I may become unreasonable inside, but I do not need to STAY that way. The Enemy's head is "crushed" when we praise God and we speak God's truth...so, guess what?...The TRUTH is, I'm an amazing woman who can attract people like a magnate. The TRUTH is, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me...and I've got that in writing (Philippians 4:13). This includes marriage! God is not going to "call" me to such a thing and then not equip me to take it on. The problem comes when I decide that I have waited too long for something that I should've already obtained, and I expect the world at large out there to stop learning so that NO ONE learns any lessons, or gets any rewards that I did not get. Again, ridiculous, right? You bet! But when you're actually going through it and feeling crushed yourself under the weight, it's quite profound. Stop. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.". Waiting is not easy, and sometimes, it's the only way we can grow. If I choose to "sabotage" this process by holding grudges against people, my God that I serve will be patient enough to take me through the test again...but I can't get the time back.
I've learned personally that I need to choose to be happy for those that I would rather hold grudges against. The more I do not want to do this...the more I need to. This is the only thing that punches my pride in the stomach, and sets me free. The truth is, that many many times, I have allowed the pride to win. But the bigger truth is that the God I serve is bigger than any feelings of isolation I seem to be drowning in. To my future husband, wherever you are, I love you...and can't wait to meet you. My mind is crazy, and sometimes the things I say are too. But through it all, there is wisdom gained. God is... And there is hope.
