Duh?? But I thought...
Hello...(my name is)...and I have a problem with my temper. Even as a kid, I would wonder why my feelings seemed to just shoot through me like lightening bolts. I just have always felt things very strongly. Little things would make me very giddy and happy...sentimental, or so excited I could barely stand it. But since these were true, the opposites have also been true.
It's called "impulse control," but I think "temper" is more accurate. I can easily remember verbatim, something that happened 20 years ago, but I will forget where I put something five minutes ago...and then be reduced to tears trying to find it. My thought process starts out rational: "Just look for it, you'll find it.". I'll search around awhile, feeling a rush of excitement every time I remember a place where it could be, but then having my heart drop when it isn't there. I look around again, trying to go over places I've missed...but still nothing. I try to stay calm, thinking if I just keep looking I'l find it, while I feel this internal pressure building.
Pretty soon, I'm stomping from room to room, talking to myself louder and louder, wringing my hands up and down, wanting anyone in the room to stop what they are doing and help me look, but not asking. At this point, Heaven help anyone who tries to be helpful and ask me where it could be....they are now going to get yelled at, because either I've already looked their several times, and I can't believe they would not KNOW that I would be smart enough to look there; or I'm angry with them for suggesting some place I did NOT look, because now I feel like a stupid fool for not thinking of that.
Either way, this loss of control that I suddenly feel is constrewed as someone else's fault. Now I'm slamming doors and rushing from room to room proclaiming in some irritating whine that things do not just DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR!! (Now where the hell did it go??). I never actually believe that someone else has hidden what I can't find...somehow I know better than that...but it's at this point that I expect the God of this universe to just stop running everything, and produce that object...NOW!! I then need to sit down, my eyes tearing up and I feel like a child who needs a nap. This leaves me with profound embarrassment. Why can't I control myself? An adult would not act like this. Why does this feel so overwhelming? This is coupled with worries about what will take place if I do not find what I'm looking for...if I've misplaced my ATM card, for example. This is actually one of the worst scenarios because then I start imagining everything that might happen if I can't access my money. (Oh man...just calm down, deep breath, deep breath!
Somewhere underneath all that, there is a little pat of me that knows that it probably will be fine...it's not as bad as I'm making it. I just dearly wish that this part of me were as big as the panic and the bad temper. Part of me truly does not want to go through these irrational reactions. I try to keep them at bay as much as possible, change my thinking, change my reaction, or not react at all. This is an area where I seem to screw up first, then realize what I should have done or said, but the problem is that the damage has usually been done already. I used the example of being unable to find something because that's one of the more tame examples I can think of.
I mean, I try to empathize with people as much as possible, but this is usually a lot easier to do with those I'm not related to. Is there something about being close enough to someone that now they HAVE to put up all my crap? Unfortunately, yes. I've done this too many times to count. Is it unfair? Absolutely! What's harder is explaining to someone the autistic temperament, while correctly owning up to all my crap. Translation: I know I can't blame Autism every time I have a knee jerk reaction, or I completely unload on someone in frustration...but Autism does play a part in this...
I've always been described as sweet. The good girl. That was, and still is me. In school, I was the one who always got tons of certificates for citizenship. Translation: I knew how to behave myself. But often, with those closest to me, I will have a short fuse; start to yell, say things that are stinging and totally irrational, have a sharp, biting tone, stomp off and slam the door...literally like a child testing limits. All the time, I am painfully aware that I am no longer a child, and should be able to "handle" not getting my own way better than this. So, am I just being a spoiled brat? Sometimes, absolutely yes! But what happens when I am literally "pressing" too hard because my inability to cope has swallowed me up? What happens when I need more mercy than I can give back, because my mental capacity will not stretch that far? This is one of the things Autism causes; an acute sort of mental "fatigue" that stems from an inability to predict what will happen, or control a situation. This means something has happened that makes me feel unsafe...and now I'm acting out.
It's sort of like screaming "Help!"...but the scream never makes it out. The logical question at this point would be "Why don't you just ask?". Maybe because it seems too late at this point because I've already over reacted. So the million dollar question then becomes; "Why don't you ask before you react?". That's the problem...I don't know. Seems easy enough, right? Just ask. I'm talking about times when all the logic seems drained out of a situation because I have asked, and I feel I've looked everywhere...and nothing. At this point, I may as well have a sign on the front of me that says: "DON't YOU THINK I KNOW THAT??". If you're thinking; "Ouch!". That's just it...that's the way it feels inside me too. (ouch).
So, having a bad temper is tough because of both the reality and the stigma attached. It is true, a temper can be "used" to create a sort of "partition" between us (me) and the intimacy of another person...but what about the person who is truly wanting to master theirs, and they are not sure how? This is where I wish I had more answers...but at the same time, I'm confident they are out there somewhere. All I can say is, if we scare you, it's probably because we're that scared ourselves. Truly, we are like lions who need to remind ourselves that we can still roar. ...No, I didn't know this applied to GIRLS either! But it does. Gee, how to girls couple this with being...you know...a GIRL?
How do I explain that I'd rather die than make anybody think they can't trust me?
