Duh?? But I thought...
Sometimes we're not easy to talk to. We become suddenly upset, and those around us are left perplexed because they have no idea what's wrong.
All I can say is, sometimes we feel paralyzed with a sense of awkwardness, and a fear that we've done something wrong. Even worse...a fear that needing certain things makes us childish or stupid. We also get quite angry with ourselves, because often little things (or even big things) that seem like they are no big deal to others...can be quite frightening or upsetting to us. WHY? (we wonder). We know we drive ourselves crazy, so we figure we must drive others crazy too. Sometimes we REALLY need help with the littlest of things because we don't remember how to do them or we're scared to death. An example for me would be driving. Driving scares the daylights outta me. I'm always afraid I'm going to cause an accident and kill myself or someone else (okay, there it is). I CAN drive...I've done it before. And maybe, just like other people, practice makes perfect. I would get better with time. They say it takes about six months or so (I would say a year) to become really good at it. Well, in my mind, this leaves room for a lot of error! But when you drive, there's very little room for error...that's how accidents happen. So how is it that when you go to a school for driver training, they expect you to be finished with it in around...3 DAYS?? Are you kidding me??
Sometimes, I can't even walk in a straight line, but after 3 times, you're going to put me on the freeway going 70 miles an hour, with hundreds of other cars?? Granted, many people do this just fine...no problem. But for me, I don't know that it's such a good idea. The thing is...what if I tried again...and I succeeded? Most of the time I won't even study the BOOK to try and take the TEST again. I was in college for a long time, I KNOW how to study and memorize and take tests! I could at least do that? Yes. But I don't. Because what if I don't pass the vision test? I really need new glasses, I can't really afford them...so I probably WOULD fail the vision test. What if nobody trusts me enough to go in the car with me, so I can learn? (I ran into this snag before). What if their insurance doesn't even cover me driving the car? What if I can't stop drifting into the other lane like I did before? What if I'm on a residential street and literally don't know where my side of the road IS??
Welcome to the world of Autism...internal worry and anxiety that threatens to swallow us up...all the time. On the inside is an endless string of questions that never stops coming. Try as we might, it never stops coming, and there is NO "OFF" button. So, we're constantly overwhelmed, and fighting back the current of internal chaos...trying desperately to grab onto something that makes us not need other people so much. This is confusing when someone is a believer and they know that G-d has put certain "needs" in their life for certain reasons. How does one embrace that when they struggle with feeling like a burden to others? How does one find security when (even as adults) they need other adults almost like a child needs a parent to help them? This feels awful at times. To add to the frustration, sometimes what we need is not much but it still requires the patience of someone else...someone else who is often too busy. For instance, with driving...it's possible that all I need are very little things: someone to drive me to the DMV to get the book. (again). Someone to sit and go over it with me a little each day...so the overwhelming urge to just quit (because this won't work) doesn't just swallow me up. I can do this myself, sure, but it becomes too easy to just ditch it if I'm left completely to myself (believe me, there's an element of laziness involved here too). But coupled with a need to just escape, because I can't stand the thought of failing again (the fact that everything's online is great, but the thing is, the way I waste time doing unproductive stuff online, it's actually more of a temptation to waste time than anything else; couple this with a fear of failing and a fear of being weak...and believe me...I'm back on Facebook again in ten minutes! Sound like I need to grow up? Yes, I know...that's my whole point.
So, the driving thing is just an example. But my point is, that all of this creates an "undercurrent" on the inside. It's an undercurrent of fear and uncertainty that we dearly wish we could stop. But there is no "off" button. My dear friends, THIS is what causes things like panic attacks, knee-jerk reactions, meltdowns, and finally, stonewalling, where we disappear into our room for two or three days and don't talk to anyone. The irony is...this is often when we need someone the most to knock on our door and ask if we need to talk, or ask if we'd like to go to Starbucks. It's time we need the biggest hug in the world. It's the time we need a shoulder to cry on. But we've shut everybody out, usually with our unkind words, tone of voice, yelling, or an outburst that seemed to come out of nowhere. Usually, we stonewall, because, we know what we've done...we know it was wrong...and we know you're probably mad as Hell at us. Our emotions hit us from the inside like Lightening bolts & our precious loved ones are like "I'm not EVEN going near you...forget it!"
Almost, like a puppy with it's tail between it's legs, we need someone to say "I know you didn't mean it.". It's not easy any way you look at it. Often, someone has a perfect right to angry with us...and we know it. But it's then that we need them to not be angry the most. Where it gets rougher, is that we often expect those around us to just not even say a word about whatever we did. Often they need to...because maybe what we did or said left them feeling "flattened" like a pancake. We know this isn't fair. Many times, we are literally more sorry than we can say. (Which is why you may not ever hear an apology). It's okay to say to us later, after we've calmed down: "I really don't understand what happened the other day," or something. Don't be surprised if we break down and cry when we try to explain it...accompanied with a lingering fear that you might think we're over-acting or just hamming it up. Often, we're not at all.
You might be thinking: "So ASK if you need something." (I'll switch things over to me now). I should. You're right. Often, the fear that I will regret it (somehow) is overwhelming. What if this person doesn't have time? What if they do it anyway, because they feel bad, but really they don't want to? What if they are mad at me for something & don't want to even talk to me?? The questions go on and on. So, those who are autistic sometimes just have to trust that (our) dilemma's are not that uncommon, and that it's OK to ask...people really don't mind. But what to do to stop the endless torrent of "analyzing things to death," when we're scared and we just need to face something? I suppose it's like that old Nike slogan: Just do it. If just this thought overwhelms you, I empathize completely. How do we stop being so sensitive if we're wired that way? So sorry about all the insensitivity that comes with it.
