Duh?? But I thought...
I see many many writings\posts\blogs that have to do with teaching those who do not have autism how to treat those who do have it. While I think this is a great idea, sometimes I'm troubled because rarely do I see anything that deals with teaching those with autism how to treat those who do not have it. I understand this is a very broad subject, because the spectrum varies so greatly. But I believe it can be done. Of course, a persons age and their cognitive ability must be considered, but I would like to change the mindset of Autism if I could.
When we learn to drive, for example, we are taught to drive defensively...try to look out for the other guy and anticipate what he will do. Now I realize that not everyone drives, but many people with autism do. Some people look at the road as a grid, divided into sections. Some people see it like a chess game: Develop a strategy and know when to make your move. So how can we teach those with autism the same principles when it comes to emotions and sensitivities? I think it's like negatives and positives in algebra. When someone solves an equation in Algebra, they apply the opposite to what's already there. Positives are made negatives while negatives are made positives.
Since those with Autism often deal in terms of logic, might it be useful to try and see emotion as logical? For example, questions that often seem unnecessary to someone with autism, are just normal and even comforting maybe to those without autism. And this principle works the same way when it's flipped, like flipping a coin. Questions from someone with autism that may seem redundant and unnecessary are just normal and par for the course. As people with autism, we simply cannot expect everyone to explain things in the terms that we like or that are comfortable to us. We have to choose what we will hold onto and let go of. Those who do not have autism often have a limited understanding of what it actually is. We therefore have a special responsibility to help them understand...gently. It's actually very simple: If we do not allow someone else to be themselves, how can we logically expect that they will do this for us? This is not balanced or fair (the irony being that those with autism are usually so consumed, by everything on the inside, that fairness and balance often goes out the window.)
However, this is my whole point. How can we teach those with autism that it is not a good thing to make others responsible for our emotions? It is not a good thing, nor is it acceptable to expect others to bear the weight of empathy that we are unwilling to give. It is plain and simple: We need to learn somehow to see situations from another's perspective. I think a good start is knowing that people with autism CAN do this. We must never believe that just because we have autism, we have a free pass and do not need to worry about it.
I see so many people with autism expecting people without autism to understand what we go through, and to realize that we are different. I get this...completely!! But what if we flipped the coin? (Like I said). It's ok to need more patience and understanding, but...not if it destroys your backbone and your strength. I realize that some people have autism so severely, that they need other adults to look after them their whole lives. But, for many of us with autism, this is not necessary because we have our own opinions and our own interests...and we are VERY vocal about them. So, could it be that we can apply logical thinking to feeling empathy for somebody else? Because a major stereo type of autism is that, we have great trouble seeing anyone else's point of view or caring how they think or feel. Autism (as I've said before), simply means ONE. We are within ourselves. We gravitate within ourselves. We prefer our own company to the company of others. Our brains are always overloaded with many many things because we focus on one thing at a time, and everything else in life has to stand in line behind that one thing. (So, it could be months before we pick up a pile of stuff in a room in our home... because we simply haven't gotten to that part of the cue yet).
The problem is, there are 3 streams of information going on all the time:. Past, present and future, right? People without autism are simply much more able to "juggle" or go back and forth between the three and make transitions. We (autistics) can usually only focus on one thing at a time. We string it together, piece by piece, and if the pattern is broken, or the pieces come apart, we go back, pick them up, and start over. The thing is...this is how we get stuck. Three hours later (for example) after we've had several interruptions, we are in a different PRESENT, and now have three more hours of PAST to tack on to it, where in the world are we? The present we WERE focused in (3 hours ago) is gone, and we can't remember where we started because we now have to make room in our heads for the interruptions we've had. And, our future could be forever changed depending on what we missed in the three hours now past...did we have deadline or an interview? Were we supposed to to pick up a kid or something? Oh dear. So often, it isn't that we can't stay on task. We are so GOOD at being on task that we will devote 3 hrs to something that someone else will only give 20 minutes to. We look at this as loyalty, devotion, committment and extreme perserverence because look how much energy we put into just doing that ONE thing?? To someone without autism, this might sound completely naive or ridiculous. But to many individuals who are (we might say) higher functioning, this reasoning is just normal. The trouble is, this often seems like just an excuse to be lazy.
Suffice it to say, our lives can become like a never-ending chain of explanations and apologies for our social awkwardness, our self-focused attitude, our weird eye- movements, our inappropriately placed phrases (What???) and the like.
So, since those with Autism seem to struggle with being very defensive anyway, can that energy be redirected in order to give the autistic that sense of empowerment they need...like (we) need air to breathe. I think so. As a result, even my own blog is going to change. We need to help those with Autism navigate through the world at large with a sense that they can DO it...rather than an endless stream of worry about every possible thing that can go wrong.
The person growing up with Autism usually feels very accutely that they are different or backwards from everyone else. Usually, we can't explain what this is, or why...we just know it's there. We often feel "blank" inside...empty...like some sort of instinct that is present in everyone else just doesn't exist in us. As a result, we put a lot of effort into "filling this "void" or space. This process is a lot of work. Period. This process wears us out. This process makes us moody, irritable, angry...sometimes we cry for what might seem like no reason. We have trouble making decisions about (what might be considered) little things. Often, before we even begin a "task" we are mentally and physically worn out. We long to be "normal" and then when normalcy is attempted, we realize exactly why we don't want it. We feel like this is a betrayal of who we are...like we are not being ourselves. So, what to do?
For some reason, opposites seem to communicate things pretty well. So maybe I should explain what I don't want to do. I don't want just another list, or formula or explanation. Admittedly, this is odd because, I talked earlier about being logical and applying logic. But there is such a thing as too much information, right? We all know what that is. Knowledge is power...but not if someone is overburdened with it. Being overburdened with what we KNOW can have the exact opposite affect of what we want. This leaves us emotions. Stop. This is not about telling anyone HOW to do anything. The high functioning autistic is most like VERY familiar with "How to" or "How not to" formulas for everything. We explore things endlessly as as a way to try and learn to control things around us. We have that damn space inside us that never seems filled...no matter what we do.
Now I'm not saying that those who are not autistic always know what to do and they always have the answers they look for. Obviously, this is not true. Everyone has insecurities, everyone is unsure of themselves, everyone has fears, everyone needs help. But to put it simply, Neuro-typicals (or folks whose brains are wired in the typical way)seem to have abilities to cope and handle situations or encounters with the unknown that those with Autism simply don't have. To explain it another way...something "kicks in" on the inside that helps them know what to do.
Autistic individuals who would most likely be considered high functioning know that this exists...and we long to experience it ourselves...we want to find it too!! (What is that?). But how do you find something if you can't even describe what you're looking for? How do you do something about a given issue, when the only thing to (do) is leave it alone? How do fill a void with something when all other attempts to fill it have left you empty? The answer won't come in another explanation as to why an autistic brain is wired differently. While any explanation might be very helpful...we all know how it feels when a given explanation logically leads to more questions...which then require more explanations.
If you see the pattern there, good for you. Patterns are wonderful. Explanations are wonderful. Data that offers proof is wonderful. The ability to be objective is amazing. There are places for all these things. They all fit in somewhere. These are all needed in our lives. But how do we soothe that seemingly "empty" part of us that always seems to require another explanation? How do we as autistics discover this "instinct" that others seem to have that we don't? How can we accept what is unknown without being constantly petrified by it? How do we handle putting so much effort into being effortless? How do we handle putting so much effort into taking it easy? Guess what guys, I don't know. But I do know this: The last thing the world needs is one more explanation into what it's "LIKE" to be autistic. Please forgive any hurt feelings I've just caused; but explanations usually cause arguments, right? Then the arguments usually scream for validation or proof, right? So therein is the never ending cycle. Explanation. Arguments. Explanation. Arguments. I would like to get off the damn merry-go-round. If you're comfortable there and you want to stay on, be my guest. But I say, there's got to be something else.
Now, this cycle certainly is NOT limited to those with Autism. Not at all. Everybody wonders about these things...the difference is that people who do not have autism seem to have an instinct that helps them cope with the unknown that those with Autism don't seem to have. I'm not saying this is truth. I'm saying, in my opinion, this is the uncertainty we struggle with while others around us seem to accept the unknown and know it will be okay and then move on. How do we soothe that of ourselves that we constantly seem to explaining to others because of an awkwardness we don't fully understand ourselves? In the meantime, I need to stop here because my brain is tired. But no more long, drawn out explanations. Let's flip the coin...
