Duh?? But I thought...
I've read before that the autistic female's brain is wired much more like a Neuro typical, or non- autistic male. So it has been speculated. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't diagnose anything, but as far as my personal opinion...I'll go with that. From the youngest ages, I remember becoming intensely angry over little things...but they weren't little to me. I also remember that I would want to just start bawling over even POSSIBLY hurting someone who did not deserve it. I was mortified by this, so I quickly had to learn to bottle things up. Much more commonly, it's called having a bad temper. It's a difficult thing to write about, especially for a woman, because frankly you're scared that if people REALLY know what's REALLY going on, they will never trust you again, or they'll be afraid of you. I used to clinch my jaw and grind my teeth...a lot. I have had TMJ Syndrome for over 20 years now because of it.
But how to explain what causes a person to feel like they have to try and hold their insides...inside? If you've ever seen "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" and heard Oskar list all the things that bother him in a typical day...its a lot like that. To put it simply: We have meltdowns over seemingly minor things, and we learn very quickly that if we want to function normally with others we'd better hide those things and not let them show. Even today, I have moments where I wish I had a soundproof, padded space, where no one can see me, where I can go and just...let it out
I want someplace where I can go and scream and cry and (if need be), bang my head or stomp my feet or kick the walls or bang my fists...whatever I needed to do to release this ENORMOUS amount of angry, frustrated, energy that has gripped me. In plain English: We need somewhere we are allowed to go and have our fit without hurting ourselves or anyone else.
I want to make it clear: I have never punched anyone. I've never broken furniture. I've never broken glass. I've never hurt a baby or an animal. Even the thought of these things mortify me and break my heart. The very thought of any such thing makes me sick to my stomach. But when your emotions over even little things hit you like lightening bolts and feel like they will just SHOOT out of your fingers and toes...it becomes exhausting trying to keep all that energy at bay, and do it silently, without anyone noticing.
whether a melt down, or a shut -down, there is usually a lot of hurt feelings involved...with the autistic, yes...but this time, I'm referring to everyone around us. The problem is this: If an autistic person has either a meltdown or a shutdown,there is no extra room in their heads to put any more information or any explanation, or any warning to anyone else as far as what's about to occur. Most of the time we ourselves do not even know when these things will take place or what exactly it is that ends up bringing about these extreme emotional reactions. in other words, dear readers, we can't blurt out something helpful like: "I'm about to have a meltdown now! Duck and cover! I'm about to really really really over-react to something SO mundane you'd never believe it if I told you anyway! To make matters worse, if and when we attempt to explain anything, we sound as though we are only coming from the way WE feel or what has happened to US. Even when we THINK we're sympathizing with the people we have hurt. Even when we are trying to show the other person that we know we have hurt them, we unintentionally add insult to injury by sounding like we now expect our loved ones to empathize with our situation and just understand that this is the way WE are. OUCH. Sorry. It's sad, but it's often true. I f you believe it is also unfair, and wrong...just let me tell you; you are correct. It's wrong to blow up and take your overblown emotions out on someone and then never apologize, or say anything for that matter. It's wrong to expect others around us to just allow us to behave that way (But we often pray that will happen, because we KNOW we've messed up really bad. we also know, in many cases that people around us now have a perfect right to just tell us where to go...perfectly justified because we have now handed that over to them through our completely uncalled for behavior.
I do believe that for many Autistics, this awareness IS in there somewhere. Whether we actually get around to reaching it and actually acknowledging it is another story. But think...have you ever known an autistic (or maybe someone prone to extreme moods) even, who did or said something that they even THINK might have upset you, and all of the sudden they are apologing profusely...maybe you have no clue what they're even sorry for. Now, flip it around the other way: Have you ever known an autistic who seems to go completely berserk over something so small that you feel insulted and hurt when and if they manage to give you any explanation...What? Are you kidding me right now? That's what you got upset about?? You know you deserve an apology...absulutely. But it never comes. You wonder what it is they are even sorry for. What happened? What is going on here.?
Rather than thinking of the autistic mindset in terms of thoughts, ideas, emotions and responses, it might be helpful to think of it in terms of varrying amounts. The autistic's personality is filled with ever-changing amounts of energy. Imagine that each day, when the autistic wakes up, they are handed a ball of yarn. The amount of yarn represents how much that person will be able to handle that day. As soon as the yarn is handed over....it begins to unravel. The autistic person has no idea how much yarn is in the ball for that day, or when the yarn will run out for that day. We just don't know...it varries each time. But each day, we know the yarn is going to unravel and run out. This is the rule. We can't fix it or change it. In the morning, there will be a brand new ball of yarn there and we can start again, but we only get one per day. Whenever the yarn runs out, we are then out of energy, and also out of room for any new information to be stored. When the yarn runs out? you might say, this is when we shut down or melt down. This is when our system has been drained. We don't know when it will happen. So, does the autistic brain have ROOM for the apology you really, really need? If we have a horrible meltdown and we scare people and we totally shut you out for a few days afterward, the answer is likely; no. (Sorry, we dont). We can't tell you this. We are out of energy...theres no more...its gone. At this point, we can no longer give or take explanations of things, The emotional tirades, outbursts, over-reactions, yelling, screaming, crying, etc. has to do with excess energy that we have no room for. Sorry...its just gone. Often, we can't even say that to you because there's no room for that either. It's gone. We're all out. Dear reader, please understand....this is why you are so ?bewildered as to why we did not...just tell you that. Why didn't we just explain what we wanted? Why didn't we just let you know what was happening? Sorry...its gone, there's no more. Anything else that comes out after that is going to be like a dam that slowly cracks...and breaks...and breaks some more...and then finally gives way. It's all amounts of energy and damage control as the amount lessens and once there is a meltdown, it's a lack thereof. Those emotions spill out and then finally pour out, full force. As long as that ball of yarn is still lasting...the autistic is still able to control their emotions and their responses and even be pleasant and wonderful. We are AMAZING people. When the dam that holds everything in begins to crack after our supply of energy is gone for the day...we slowly begin to...well. First there's the small chips, cracks...little holes: We may be unable for example to process something someone said to us, even though we looked like we're listening intently. Maybe we suddenly have butterfingers and drop things on the floor and can't find a place to put them; So we set them down and hope we can REMEMBER where we put them. another crack. Then we get anxiety about losing those things; what if we can't find them again? Another crack...totally unbeknownst to those around us. Then there's the slight change of plans we were just told about...another crack. There's the anxiety of looking like we can't handle things if we can't just roll with that change. Another crack...a hole now. There's no telling at what point the dam that holds everything in going to completely give way. This is often why Autistics dread social situations so much. We often want to be with others and have fun, but what if the dam breaks internally and everyone sees us totally lose it? What if we scare people? What if they think we're a big baby? What if someone ends up really hating us? Never say what if? HA! Autistics feel like we may as well have it tattooed on our foreheads! And we were born that way. OUCH. What do we do, rub it out?
To those who have been (almost) drowned by the water...the torrent of energy that is released when there's no room to hold it in. I know...many of us know that it is painful. It is exhausting. It is hurtful and unfair. Many of us do get it...though we may not have any room to tell you about it. We often feel worse then you know. We often are hoping and praying that you still believe in us...and that you love us. Often when autistic apologizes profusely for what seems like nothing. it's because we (now) have the emotional space and the energy to do so. What do ya know...we still have yarn! So we do spread it on really thick, if you will. We are making up for lost time and we are giving you extra for later. If this seems insincere or saccharine...we know how unbearable we can be generally and how can we possibly know how bad the next meltdown will be; So we often will play catch up. Suddenly, we remember things that happened 20 years ago and we are apologing for them like they just happened. What? Sometimes we just feel like we should.
