I've Had It...

Duh?? But I thought...

OKAY, THIS is a rant, so just be warned, I need to vent. I really think I have COMPLETELY had it with people...I really do. Dating sites? No thank you. Facebook? Stupid because who's life is REALLY like that? My phone? I was about to smash it with a hammer because all it does is rattle and vibrate, and make this God awful noise like an angry buzzard flying overhead every time I get a message. Driving? In my case, it's safer not to, and I will always be sorry for that. Work? I don't have a job, and I have no way to get there anyway, so I guess, that's GOOD...right? Church? The church that I loved I now hate because I'm tired of people talking behind my back about things that profoundly affect me when they think I can't hear what they are saying. I cannot guarantee that I would want these things said to my face either, but where I come from, if you must talk about something that hurts someone, go ahead and be hypocritical: do it when that person is NOT around, because the pain is not worth it.

The expression "...say it to my face" can sometimes be a bunch a bullshit, because the truth is, I can't handle "the truth.". Fine. I get this...I accept it. So, if you got something to say that involves hurting me, do me a favor: GET COMPLETELY away from me first, and then say it behind my back. I don't care. This way I don't need to carry the burden of knowing what was said, or that it even went on...period. I can experience the "bliss" of ignorance, and just live my life. Don't bother "taking it outside"... because when I come walking outside and see you guys "shushing" each other and then huddling closer, whispering more softly... (Gee THAT doesn't look suspicious or anything!). Do not pray for me that I would receive clarity about a situation, and then sit there and whisper amongst each other about the very thing that's tearing me up inside while I'm still in the room. Does it dawn on you at all, that maybe this really isn't very NICE? I guess not.

Singles groups suck, and so do dating sites because all they do is give people false hope. In the end, you're left on your own with a bunch of hurt feelings and completely trampled vulnerability, because someone has given you every reason to believe that they were into you, and then they say. : "Oh, no, I'm sorry.". Or, they believe that your profound faith that makes you WHO YOU ARE, is nothing but a "buzz killer," and you're left feeling like World's biggest FOOL for your honesty. (I'm sorry...would you RATHER, I lied to you??). Asshole. All I wanna do is exactly, what I'm not supposed to do: just hide under a blanket, eating Oreos and milk, reading books, writing poetry and watching "Faerrie Tale Theatre.". But all these things, make me a pathetic little child who just won't grow up, and this is just, absolutely unconscionable...is that correct?

Who will want me? How could I ever be in a relationship? How will I ever hold down a job? HOW can I be an adult?? Ahhh, I see, so I guess I should work my ass off at a job I hate and then have no time or energy for myself, and I should watch all my money go down the tubes while I'm paying off a car, and bitching and moaning because gas is so expensive. I guess I should be up to my EYEBALLS in student debt, and not be able to sleep at night, all for the tremendous honor of an education that does nothing but dumb me down and KEEP me in school, so I can keep PAYING for school! I suppose I should keep going to a church where I feel sick to my stomach because people can't think to just get the hell outta there BEFORE they start talking behind my back. (Doesn't doing it right in FRONT of me completely defeat the purpose?).

Personally, I think cats have the right idea, they sleep all day, they rub your legs when they want food and they meow, so that everything else is at their command...rubbing, petting, scratching the ears...ahhh, yes indeed, they have it made! This sounds like a much better life than the one I've been kicking myself for not being ABLE to get so that other people would be interested in me!!! You know what, FUCK THAT!!!

I have HAD IT with wasting my energy trying to PROOVE myself to people who are never satisfied anyway. I have HAD IT with thinking that anyone else is ever gonna make me happy. It's. WAY easier just to make myself happy!! I have HAD IT with wishing I had a damn car. I'd much rather buy a bike, which I can pay for in one shot, get my butt out there and breathe some fresh air. Exhaust fumes aren't my thing, but feeling the sun on my shoulders is. :). I have HAD IT with thinking that NOT continuing my education was a terrible mistake. I have a COMPLETED Associate's degree...and I've completely paid off ALL my student debt. I sleep peacefully at night, I WIN!! I have HAD IT with feeling guilty for not going back to church (at least, the one I've been going to). The fact that I realize that I need to get away from the drama, the hurt that I have swallowed again and again so that no one ELSE is bothered by it. The fact that I realize that this needs to STOP, just proves that the GOD I serve has granted me perception and helped me make a choice to help myself. This is a GOOD thing!! On that same note, I will NOT HIDE my Christian faith because other people can't handle it. This is who I AM. Maybe you know that as long as you're around me, you can't accept YOU as YOU are! This is not my fault. I do apologize for any discomfort, but I have HAD IT, with taking guilt upon myself, and thinking I should "water down" my conscience so that others will accept me. NO! I'd hate myself in the end...and so would you. FUCK THAT!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a HUGE bowl of pasta, loaded with cheese and all my favorite things...and then I'm going to crawl under my blankets and savor it... feeling the sheets on my skin...and not giving a rat's ass HOW MANY calories are in it!! It's called: Truly ENJOYING myself.