Masking

Duh?? But I thought... Masking Autism in Women This is all personal opinion. I am not a doctor. I cannot diagnose anything. As I say often on here, the word Autism means One or within oneself.  My understanding of this is that we go within ourselves first, we sort of "pull out" who we are and set it in front of us like the picture that a puzzle makes.  We then want people to "notice" our "puzzle" and tell us what they think.  (And that's only if we're in the mood at the time).  Usually, we don't care...the only person we need impress is ourselves, and everybody else...well, we love ya...or hate ya...but you know where the door is. Does this sound a bit harsh?  No worries...keep reading. This is of course, only my opinion; because, as the saying goes: If you've met one person with Autism...youve met one person with Autism.  Apparently, women with Autism are able to "mask" their autism better than men do.  Really?  Well, even trying to find information about the specific ways autism affects women is challenging because the general criteria or characteristics tend to be based on the way autism affects men and boys. So, put simply...we girls tend to hide it better, is that it?  I think so.  The challenge can be explaining what this means without completely losing the identity of the person.  With us girls, it can be difficult for us to even know we are autistic because there seems to be something built into us that allows us to camouflage it...even from ourselves. There is a well known psychologist named Tony Atwood who specializes in women with Autism.  Why women I'm not sure, considering he's a man...but anyway...Atwood claims that. Autistic women and girls have a sort of a blank slate inside that we cover or fill up by mimmicing or copying those around us.  I was not bothered by this discription UNTILL I heard him say that because of this, autistic women don't really have a personality of our own. (This is all my paraphrasing, by the way.  None of these are verbatim quotes). But...excuse me...WHAT? (Oh, I'm IN this now!).  I was basically just told I don't have a personality of my own...that I need to "copy" it from somebody else.  Wait a minute...doesnt everybody do this sometimes?  Doesn't everyone have moments when we don't have a clue?  Don't we all need to look to others sometimes because we don't know what we're doing? I just used a psychologist's knowledge in my own words so there would be a place that my ideas are coming from.  That's a blank slate..that I just "filled" so I could make my point.  Everybody does that.  This does not mean that women with Autism don't have their own personalities. So, let's try this again:  We become master's at looking like we know what we're doing so people can't tell that (maybe) we really don't.  Ouch. Are we fake?  All depends on the character of the woman, but this dilemma is VERY real and sometimes very scary. This makes me think of the expression "Boys will be boys."  Yes, I'm still talking about women...but it occurs to me that I seem to have just described the social norm...for a guy.  Double ouch?  Wow...sorry...but what's up with that anyway?  Masking?  Maybe a better question is...why are men allowed to get away with it, and women are not?  Now, to the men: Lets hear it for our men, who strive to do everything they can to be a teddy bear and a man of steel all at once (and that's IF he's a man of quality to begin with).  They must mask a lot. In order to...just get through a day and make everything amazing for us.  But with men...the social norm seems to be that he is ALLOWED to be...what?  (Fill in the blank...) see there it is. Insensitive? Clumsy?  In need of someone to...(what)? Check on him and "fix" all the things we know he's going to get wrong?  Again OUCH!  I'm sure some people would call this marriage, but honestly...how disrespectful is THAT? Yes, I'm still talking about WOMEN with Autism.  Here's the thing...I once found an article which claimed that women with Autism tend to have more MASCULINE personalities and or temperaments.  I think we need to keep in mind that a lot of men are really boys in men's bodies.  A lot of women are really boys...in womens bodies.  I didn't say girls in women's bodies did I? What happened there?  Let's look at social norms again: Masculinity = strength.  Femininity = weakness.  Men are insensitive dorks who can't get anything right. (Ouch).  Women are the saviors of the world who have been oppressed for too long and are now entitled to be right all the time...either by demeaning men, or becoming their mommies. People with Autism do NOT obey social norms.  We usually don't know what they are, and those of us who find out are often crushed under the weight of trying to...figure them out.  Translation: It's just too much.  This is why we claim we prefer honesty...but often can't handle it.  Why?  It can become complicated very quickly, but, most people are honestly fake.  Why?  Because we have to be if we want to be sociable.  There's that word again: "social." So, let's look at some more norms: I'll borrow a line from "Bridgette Jones's Diary":  "I am the intellectual equal of everyone here."  Just imagine you're at some stupid social function.  First of all...who talks like that unless they are actually in a movie?  Probably nobody.  Am I masking the truth that I I don't really have my own explanation for all of this?  You bet!  But I don't believe what I just said is DISHONEST.  I just used someone else's words.  Are my own not good enough?  Depends on how one looks at it:  That was a line from a movie, but it made MY point so well that I do believe I ROCK! SO...heres another line from a movie:  "Intellectuals are proof that you can be brilliant and know absolutely nothing."  That's Woody Allen.  I forget which movie but it doesn't matter.  Again, who talks like that unless they're actually IN a movie?  But the point is this: People who try too hard to prove that they are smart, often do not know much of anything underneath. So to take both of the lines I used, knowing that people don't normally speak that way,  this is usually what is going on underneath in most, or many social situations:  I want to look and sound like everyone else here so it does not show that I have no clue.  So there it is: A person does not have to be autistic to go through that, but if we are autistic...its harder to hide.  We would rather live by our own rules because the invisible ones that others seem to know instinctively...these don't come instinctively to us.  We have to spend a lot of energy trying to figure these things out from situation to situation.  Our thinking seems flipped on its head from others around us, and we stick out like sore thumbs. But there's one thing I left out:  We have to spend a lot of effort figuring these things out where other people are concerned.  When we're by ourselves, there is no one else to figure out or try and mesh together with.  It's not that this can't be done, but again, it does not "flow" instinctively for us.  I think it's sort of like an etch a sketch.  Remember those?... Each event that happens in the course of a day has its own etch a Sketch and the knobs are turning, making a drawing.  But when something changes or shifts, or you begin doing something else, that drawing is shaken up and it goes away...because a new drawing begins for that change.  We then have to go back through the "pictures" now erased, to remember what we've done so far...even for minor changes in the course of a day.  This is not a memory lapse.  This is not us being crazy.  This is more of an internal juggling act we do all the time...because none of the pictures are connected.  They are individual...independent of themselves, each with their own frame and when a task or a subject has to be meshed or blended with something else, we have to go and find the drawing (now erased) that goes with that task, thought or transition.  We sort of have to connect things manually, or with deliberate intention, rather than having all of the pieces connected and moving along as though they're on an assembly line.  Each of our pictures go into a "filing cabinet" (if you will) in our minds. And each time we connect something to something else, we have to find the file in our minds and then find the picture we want, and sort of "piece" everything together that way. Dear reader, this process is BEYOND exhausting.  The changes.  Moving pictures.  The "flashes" like clicks on a camera.  It's as though we're constantly chasing after the ""pieces" that never stop moving out of place while trying to appear altogether in the present. These are all the things autistic women are trying desperately to "mask" or cover up.  Our energy levels and becoming very overwhelmed, even with minor tasks can lead to meltdowns...which are obviously completely unacceptable in so many life situations.  So where does all that energy go?  In many cases, it has to be stuffed (at least for awhile) because the high level of energy that needs to be released...just can't be...at the time. So, we spend a lot of time studying and researching and trying to find methods for things over which we usually have no control.  This can give a sense of having a handle on things, but can lead to a total sense of failure when we find "loopholes" in our carefully thought out trouble shooting.  So, autistic women apparently mask all of this better than autistic men do. I did a personality assessment once and was told that I often appear to know more about things than I actually do.  This is fair and this is accurate.  However, I really am a smart lady who knows a lot.  Why do we think we have to appear smarter than we really are?  What is it we are trying to make up for?  Why is this even necessary?  I don't know.  I feel that it has to do with a fear of failure and feeling like we're not good enough... We are nice people who really believe that most people are nice as well.  But we become scared to death that this belief actually makes us stupid...even as children.  Therefore, we are constantly looking for some "hidden" meaning that is underneath what everyone else is saying.  Our rude awakenings usually begin with bullying and teasing in school.  We are different.  We are strange.  We dress funny.  Our speech is more formal.  Our interests are not typical for our age.  For example, when I was eleven years old, my mother and I visited the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose.  I bought a book all about it at the gift shop and then...I couldn't stop reading it.  Meaning, I took the book to school and kept it on my desk.  So, at recess and lunchtime, I was reading all about different kinds of wood and furnishings and finishes, and strained glass windows, the Winchester rifle...and a rather odd lady who tragically lost her husband and her baby daughter. (Poor thing).  But I learned early that if you want to be NORMAL and keep up... You have be-- trendy.  You have to be interested in the same things that others around you are interested in.  Here's the thing: Stuff that is trendy (in retrospect) is usually very temporary and usually demeaning and unkind to others, or promoting messages to be that way.  No worries...Im not saying that the latest drink at Starbucks is going to be that way.  But...if you wanna be in control, you gotta be cool.  You wanna be cool, you gotta be completely unaffected by things that should bother a decent person. To give another example:  When Madonna came on the scene, I was just seven years old.  I watched her roll around on the floor in that white lace veil with her belt that said Boy Toy, singing "Like A Virgin."  I was truly bothered by it.  I knew somehow that it was...gross.  It was, inappropriate.  It was (to me) not nice.  It was adult.  But all these things somehow made it not good...that she was doing it, or that kids were watching it.  But everyone around me seemed to act like it was normal and perfectly alright.  So I did as well.  I really did not think so, but apparently, being normal meant accepting it and also going along with it Autistic women do not respond well to suppressing our instincts, our emotions or our opinions.  But we live in a world where we are taught that nobody is "normal" unless they do this.  Because you have be cool in order to fit in and not let things bother you.  This is never stated directly...if it were, then the jig would be up.  No, it's implied...constantly.  Innuendo, connotation, metaphor.  I know what these things are now because I'm an English major, who certainly is not age seven anymore.  But autistic women will state directly and accurately what the rest of the world wants to imply or cover up. We want to cut to the chase and just say: Well, this is the way it is. PS...anything else I can help you with? So we tend to not socialize well. We consider much of what others call small talk to be a waste of time. It is basically, too much information that really doesn't tell us much. We are oblivious to this as children, and as an adult, we have to constantly "remember" to stay in the conversation, rather than drifting somewhere in our own head...where we feel safe. We feel safe in our own head because everything belongs to us and there are no wrong answers. There is nothing implied that we need to figure out. Ahhh, sweet relief! So, the definition of Masking that I found as I was looking into this had to do with trying to come off as smarter than we really are and the "gaps" in that masking are the points where it shows...that we don't have the actual experience to back up what we know. Sometimes we're just mentally and emotionally worn out and can't keep up. This one paragraph could actually summarize it. All the rest of this comes from me feeling as though I am actually describing a Neuro-typical ...man. Or a man who does nor have Autism. Again...whats going on there? I'm really not sure...but why do I think Psycologists can't really explain it either? I'll put it this way: Our childlike sensitivity, our uncensored and direct perspectives, our belief (to the ends of the earth) that no one within our circle would want to hurt us, our "cut to th chase" style of just getting straight to the point: These things make us who we are, but they simply are not received very well in a world that wants us to cover all that up. So we mask it. Sometimes our mask cracks and there are gaps. I THINK those "gaps" are just evidence that we need to take a breath.

When the Dam Breaks (The Ball of Energy)

Duh?? But I thought...

I've read before that the autistic female's brain is wired much more like a Neuro typical, or non- autistic male. So it has been speculated. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't diagnose anything, but as far as my personal opinion...I'll go with that. From the youngest ages, I remember becoming intensely angry over little things...but they weren't little to me. I also remember that I would want to just start bawling over even POSSIBLY hurting someone who did not deserve it. I was mortified by this, so I quickly had to learn to bottle things up. Much more commonly, it's called having a bad temper. It's a difficult thing to write about, especially for a woman, because frankly you're scared that if people REALLY know what's REALLY going on, they will never trust you again, or they'll be afraid of you. I used to clinch my jaw and grind my teeth...a lot. I have had TMJ Syndrome for over 20 years now because of it.

But how to explain what causes a person to feel like they have to try and hold their insides...inside? If you've ever seen "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" and heard Oskar list all the things that bother him in a typical day...its a lot like that. To put it simply: We have meltdowns over seemingly minor things, and we learn very quickly that if we want to function normally with others we'd better hide those things and not let them show. Even today, I have moments where I wish I had a soundproof, padded space, where no one can see me, where I can go and just...let it out
I want someplace where I can go and scream and cry and (if need be), bang my head or stomp my feet or kick the walls or bang my fists...whatever I needed to do to release this ENORMOUS amount of angry, frustrated, energy that has gripped me. In plain English: We need somewhere we are allowed to go and have our fit without hurting ourselves or anyone else.

I want to make it clear: I have never punched anyone. I've never broken furniture. I've never broken glass. I've never hurt a baby or an animal. Even the thought of these things mortify me and break my heart. The very thought of any such thing makes me sick to my stomach. But when your emotions over even little things hit you like lightening bolts and feel like they will just SHOOT out of your fingers and toes...it becomes exhausting trying to keep all that energy at bay, and do it silently, without anyone noticing.
whether a melt down, or a shut -down, there is usually a lot of hurt feelings involved...with the autistic, yes...but this time, I'm referring to everyone around us. The problem is this: If an autistic person has either a meltdown or a shutdown,there is no extra room in their heads to put any more information or any explanation, or any warning to anyone else as far as what's about to occur. Most of the time we ourselves do not even know when these things will take place or what exactly it is that ends up bringing about these extreme emotional reactions. in other words, dear readers, we can't blurt out something helpful like: "I'm about to have a meltdown now! Duck and cover! I'm about to really really really over-react to something SO mundane you'd never believe it if I told you anyway! To make matters worse, if and when we attempt to explain anything, we sound as though we are only coming from the way WE feel or what has happened to US. Even when we THINK we're sympathizing with the people we have hurt. Even when we are trying to show the other person that we know we have hurt them, we unintentionally add insult to injury by sounding like we now expect our loved ones to empathize with our situation and just understand that this is the way WE are. OUCH. Sorry. It's sad, but it's often true. I f you believe it is also unfair, and wrong...just let me tell you; you are correct. It's wrong to blow up and take your overblown emotions out on someone and then never apologize, or say anything for that matter. It's wrong to expect others around us to just allow us to behave that way (But we often pray that will happen, because we KNOW we've messed up really bad. we also know, in many cases that people around us now have a perfect right to just tell us where to go...perfectly justified because we have now handed that over to them through our completely uncalled for behavior. I do believe that for many Autistics, this awareness IS in there somewhere. Whether we actually get around to reaching it and actually acknowledging it is another story. But think...have you ever known an autistic (or maybe someone prone to extreme moods) even, who did or said something that they even THINK might have upset you, and all of the sudden they are apologing profusely...maybe you have no clue what they're even sorry for. Now, flip it around the other way: Have you ever known an autistic who seems to go completely berserk over something so small that you feel insulted and hurt when and if they manage to give you any explanation...What? Are you kidding me right now? That's what you got upset about?? You know you deserve an apology...absulutely. But it never comes. You wonder what it is they are even sorry for. What happened? What is going on here.? Rather than thinking of the autistic mindset in terms of thoughts, ideas, emotions and responses, it might be helpful to think of it in terms of varrying amounts. The autistic's personality is filled with ever-changing amounts of energy. Imagine that each day, when the autistic wakes up, they are handed a ball of yarn. The amount of yarn represents how much that person will be able to handle that day. As soon as the yarn is handed over....it begins to unravel. The autistic person has no idea how much yarn is in the ball for that day, or when the yarn will run out for that day. We just don't know...it varries each time. But each day, we know the yarn is going to unravel and run out. This is the rule. We can't fix it or change it. In the morning, there will be a brand new ball of yarn there and we can start again, but we only get one per day. Whenever the yarn runs out, we are then out of energy, and also out of room for any new information to be stored. When the yarn runs out? you might say, this is when we shut down or melt down. This is when our system has been drained. We don't know when it will happen. So, does the autistic brain have ROOM for the apology you really, really need? If we have a horrible meltdown and we scare people and we totally shut you out for a few days afterward, the answer is likely; no. (Sorry, we dont). We can't tell you this. We are out of energy...theres no more...its gone. At this point, we can no longer give or take explanations of things, The emotional tirades, outbursts, over-reactions, yelling, screaming, crying, etc. has to do with excess energy that we have no room for. Sorry...its just gone. Often, we can't even say that to you because there's no room for that either. It's gone. We're all out. Dear reader, please understand....this is why you are so ?bewildered as to why we did not...just tell you that. Why didn't we just explain what we wanted? Why didn't we just let you know what was happening? Sorry...its gone, there's no more. Anything else that comes out after that is going to be like a dam that slowly cracks...and breaks...and breaks some more...and then finally gives way. It's all amounts of energy and damage control as the amount lessens and once there is a meltdown, it's a lack thereof. Those emotions spill out and then finally pour out, full force. As long as that ball of yarn is still lasting...the autistic is still able to control their emotions and their responses and even be pleasant and wonderful. We are AMAZING people. When the dam that holds everything in begins to crack after our supply of energy is gone for the day...we slowly begin to...well. First there's the small chips, cracks...little holes: We may be unable for example to process something someone said to us, even though we looked like we're listening intently. Maybe we suddenly have butterfingers and drop things on the floor and can't find a place to put them; So we set them down and hope we can REMEMBER where we put them. another crack. Then we get anxiety about losing those things; what if we can't find them again? Another crack...totally unbeknownst to those around us. Then there's the slight change of plans we were just told about...another crack. There's the anxiety of looking like we can't handle things if we can't just roll with that change. Another crack...a hole now. There's no telling at what point the dam that holds everything in going to completely give way. This is often why Autistics dread social situations so much. We often want to be with others and have fun, but what if the dam breaks internally and everyone sees us totally lose it? What if we scare people? What if they think we're a big baby? What if someone ends up really hating us? Never say what if? HA! Autistics feel like we may as well have it tattooed on our foreheads! And we were born that way. OUCH. What do we do, rub it out? To those who have been (almost) drowned by the water...the torrent of energy that is released when there's no room to hold it in. I know...many of us know that it is painful. It is exhausting. It is hurtful and unfair. Many of us do get it...though we may not have any room to tell you about it. We often feel worse then you know. We often are hoping and praying that you still believe in us...and that you love us. Often when autistic apologizes profusely for what seems like nothing. it's because we (now) have the emotional space and the energy to do so. What do ya know...we still have yarn! So we do spread it on really thick, if you will. We are making up for lost time and we are giving you extra for later. If this seems insincere or saccharine...we know how unbearable we can be generally and how can we possibly know how bad the next meltdown will be; So we often will play catch up. Suddenly, we remember things that happened 20 years ago and we are apologing for them like they just happened. What? Sometimes we just feel like we should.

So Just WHAT Is The Deal With President Trump?

Duh?? But I thought...

What a mess out there. Right? There's just a lot of information and it's overwhelming. Most of it has to do with politics...which really bites for me (most of the time) because I am not a political person. Never have been...

As far as I'm concerned (now), politics is basically a lot of bribes and favors, and backstabbing, and mudslinging...and it just wares me out. Political issues tend to involve so many things that...well, they should not involve. Issues that are spiritual and sacred, and matters of the heart. These things creep into the political arena, and then completely take it over...and it seems that people can't stop arguing about...everything.

Social media doesn't help...amen? People posting and posting about what they think...usually getting frustrated with others because they need to "do their research." I consider myself an intelligent person. I'm able to reason things out pretty well, I think. But honestly...politics makes me stupid. More specifically, it makes me look stupid and that's why I hate it. I do not want this to be just another" stance" on any particular issue because this just adds to the "noise" out there. It adds to the arguments. There are times I've just gotten fed up and said, H--l with it...Im done. It's then that I imagine myself living "off grid" someplace and having no contact with anyone. But the innate need to have some sort of connection with the rest of the world always has me inching my way back out there. This is my life. There are powerful people making MANY decisions which directly affect my life. I do not have the option of just going to sleep and pretending that it isn't happening. I know this, because I've honestly tried. It doesn't work. Eventually, the isolation is too much, and well, let's just say the turtle has to come out of its shell.

In scripture, it says, "Be as wise as serpents, but as gentle as doves." Jesus said this as a means of teaching us to always guard our hearts and be aware...while treating others with kindness. So, being the person of faith that I am, I try to keep this in mind in politics as well. This is not easy in a world full of cynicism and suspicion, that most of the time, some say, is driven by hidden agendas. So, there is an art to the gentle part...lets just put it that way.

I talk all the time about friendship and loyalty, but often wonder if I would prize the handshake of an enemy more, if that enemy was a smooth operator who told me everything I ever wanted to hear about myself. Every presidential debate (ever) I see this happen: "Let me tell you what I think you want to hear so that you'll follow me...whether it's true or not. Then when the truth comes out, the joke will be on you." Do I sound cynical yet? But at some point, we have to take a risk and trust...right?

Part of my dilemma is that I don't know how to even write about all this without sounding as though I'm just playing the victim. I don't like it when I sense this in others...why do I think they would want to read my whining about why I can't fix something? You'll see what I mean in a moment. But just know that my intent is honesty and also empathy. The empathy part may sound odd because the assumption might be made that I'll not be very objective. I'll try.

Looking back now, I think that people become able to vote about who controls their life...when they are in the dumbest point of their life (basically). At 18 years old, most kids know little to nothing about politics...and most don't care. You're still at the point where you believe a parent or older adult will just handle everything you can't. Now there are always exceptions to EVERY rule. Of course I'm just speaking generally. But in my view, the ever growing technocracy that we live in, is giving us little to no reason to...grow up.

We are used to Facebook posts and Instagram pics, YouTube videos and tweets (How many characters??) Our phones and tablets have become stuck to us like appendages, and information on anything we want is just a tap away.

Things are easy and in most cases instantaneously given to us, and we've come to expect this. Face it...we throw a fit if we have to wait too long to connect to the internet. So as far as accuracy is concerned...this is another story. How do you know whether the information you are putting out there is true...especially with all the "fake" news that's out there?

Man, how many times have I heard of a celebrity dying, for example, and I think: "Wait, I thought they had died already." What can I say, maybe I heard or read a report of the same kind a few months back, and now here it is again, presented as current news.

"Check your dates," you say. Absolutely...and at times I do get lazy about this. But I'm willing to bet that most folks don't check dates at all. How easy is it to scroll and see a supposed news story...become emotionally charged by it and just assume that it's true? So, we need to be aware, right? Okay, but I'm gonna ask the question: Aware of what, exactly?...

We need to be aware that there is...a lot of fake news out there? Okay, fine...so we check several sources...what if they are all untrue and we don't know it because the dates happen to match up? What if they are not dated at all? What if they are NOT outdated...but we are told that they are? What can I say, that happened to me yesterday. Such things have probably always been, but there was a time not so long ago when there were generally hard copy sources to check. This made the authenticity of information...well...authentic.

This authenticity is gone now because everything is in what's called real time...and changing constantly...second to second even. Who can keep up with that? Who would want to?

"Why would anyone do that?" Is this what we are supposed to ask? I don't know.

I suppose maybe because some people don't tell the truth? Because not everyone has motivations that are in others best interest? Sometimes yes...sometimes no. So let's say someone does not have our best interest in mind. Let's say someone wants to accomplish something they don't want others to be aware of?

The analogies to explain this could go on forever, but suffice it to say, in a given situation, if these things were going on, you would want to be aware of them, right? If you know something dishonest could be going on, you would want to warn others about it, wouldn't you? Of course!

As a result, there are MANY proverbial "snakes" in the grass. But, if we don't see them, we don't see them. How about if we don't even believe they are there to begin with? Well, that's nice. You don't raise hell, you don't rock the boat, and everybody goes undisturbed. They are also ALL being bitten by the snakes they don't believe are there. But who cares? Why mess up a good thing? Maybe because it actually isn't the good thing people think it is?

All of this being said, I'm sure many would agree that there are many things we may not find in our efforts just to be thorough and accurate and honest.

We don't want to mislead people, right? We don't want to mess people around and we don't want to be messed around, right?

I would think that the majority of the public feels this way. So there are all kinds of sources out there designed to give us clarity. This reminds me of the voters guides. How many times when we vote yes on an issue are we actually voting no? How many times does our vote say that we are against something, when our principles (were supposed to say) we are for it? What if we wanted to express that we are for something but our pro vote is saying that we are for...gettting rid of it? Oh dear. That's the part no one told you about, right? Or...maybe you WERE told about it. Let's say you did your research and you know exactly what you're voting for and exactly why...but later you find out there was something else behind it (whatever it is) that you didn't even know existed.

In other words, no amount of sources checked would've revealed something that we found out after the fact? Oh well...we were TOLD about it, right? The fact that we had no idea what "the rest of the story" was till it was too late is irrelevant?

I don't know. I just know that things are not always what they appear to be on the surface..

In my own political journey, I identified as a Republican from the beginning because I felt that in most cases, the people of faith were on the Republican side. They were against abortion and other issues that I also was against, in a largely losing battle, only because these are spiritual matters of the heart that are usually butchered (pun intended) when brought into political circles. We were standing up for the good guy, I thought. The little guys (literally) who needed an advocate. But most people in the political arena (I was taught) are on the other side of the fence.

Besides...looking back...Clinton had an ongoing affair and went on TV and lied to everyone about it, right? Clinton was a bad influence on kids, laughing and telling them that he tried Marajuana...but he didn't inhale, right? George Bush Jr.? Yeah, nevermind Obama? He said that the affects of abortion on a woman were...above his paygrade, right? That is NOT all he said...I found out later...that was just all I heard on the news or read on the internet, because the angle I was supposed to see was of a callous, uncaring, pompous jerk who thought he was too important to be bothered with that issue. But he was PRESIDENT!

Shouldn't he have been concerned about that?? What he actually said was that abortion is a very personal, very serious spiritual decision, the repercussions and complexities of which are above his paygrade. He was asked what he thought the affects of abortion were on women. That's a paraphrase from memory...its not a direct quote. The point is that I was embarrassed when I found out the rest of what he said. You live and you learn, right?

So, one might say I had all these reasons for thinking that I was "Spiritually correct." Not politically correct...never politically correct, but fighting the right battle, I thought. So, then Trump came on the scene, and, let's just say that the level of confused haze seemed to take on a whole new meaning.

What the heck was going on anyway? I watched Trump and I thought he was an arrogant, pretentious, self centered slob who really did not care about the American people. I thought that he could not read (that he was faking it). I thought that he cared more about sucking up every bit of attention for himself when cameras were around. He was loud and boisterous and pompous...apparently thinking he was too good to answer the media's questions.

At this point, if you're a person of faith, you might be thinking: "That's what you get for watching the news." I was told over and over again that the media "paints" things a certain way...THEY want him to look bad. They cut up what he says and only play certain parts of it. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. "Yes, I know all about how the media shapes things to look a certain way, " I thought. I'd been learning all about this since my early days in college, as a social work major, reading a book called "The Rich Get Richer & the Poor Get Prison."

I'm a smart person, remember...I check my sources...most of the time. Not always...sometimes I get emotionally charged and post things without looking into them...I think everybody has made that mistake. But I know how to check my sources, look at dates, use direct quotes, or say when I've paraphrased something. So why did I seem to keep getting the same advice about checking sources so many times when I would post an article or photographs?

I'll be honest, I thought Trump's actions and his attitude and his yelling and screaming spoke for itself. I would find pictures of him and the first lady with Jeffery Epstein and think "Okay (believers), are you going to tell me that this is why you wear your MAGA hats? Are interactions such as this "sanctioned by God"? Does this demonstrate the "God send" that you're so happy with? Frankly, I was very confused.

My more liberal, democratic friends were validating for me that our president was a self centered baby, who was pretty narcissistic. Every source that I was checking, this was the impression I was getting. And when I checked the Christian or faith based sources, I saw them trying desperately to ignore the pompous jerk I thought he was, in the name of only focusing on the good. Isn't that the same as lying? (Duh, right?). How could this be okay? How could this be something Christians would think is okay? Why did they always seem to be so quick to defend him? I would ask about it, and would hear things like: "Look at all the good things he's done!" I would think "Okay, but what good things are those? This was not a rhetorical question. I didn't get it. I didn't understand.

I saw him on TV boasting about what a great job he was always doing, while everything out there seemed to get worse and worse. I saw him refusing to read documents when he was asked, and then several minutes later, saying he forgot his glasses (??). I saw him making fun of those with disabilities, and his other running mates, while seeming to build himself up on their weaknesses. (Beto O Rourke is a great example of this). Not saying Trump had to like the guy, but I don't believe he deserved any public humiliation either.

Then there's the infamous wall being built: Just HOW many working people's tax dollars were going for that?? The 70s group "Bread" had a song called "This isn't What the Govern Meant". I kept thinking of that...everytime I would get on social media, or see the headlines, or watch the news, even for 10 minutes.

I have a good friend, who would validate me when I went on about how Trump was a pompous jerk. "I know what you mean", he would say. "I don't blame you." He would say, "I know he's a jerk, but I'd rather have him running things than not, because there's a lot of good happening." (emphasis mine).
"What good is that," I would wonder. Basically, he would tell me, "You'll see as things go on ", but I had no clue what he meant.

In the beginning of Trump's presidency, I supported him for the reasons I mentioned before. I thought he stood for things that I stood for. Most folks around me supported Trump and frankly, I wasn't sure what to think, and I trusted their judgement. But I wanted to find out for myself. So I did my research, as I was being advised to do. At the risk of repeating myself, the more I looked into it, the more disgusted I became with POTUS 45...no matter how many sources I checked.

Even stranger was that there seemed to be no middle ground. People either really love Trump, or they really hate him. Whenever I would be patronized for (not) liking Trump, I would be told to look at all the good things he's done. Okay, but the problem was I couldn't figure out what these good things were that he had done.

When I would read faith-based news sources, everything sounded candy coated and sugar coated...like it wasn't real, or something. What to do? I never really wanted to believe Trump was such a bad guy...but I wasn't sure how I could believe anything else. I wasn't going to lie!...Although sometimes it was very tempting because I got tired of paying for (not) putting Trump on a pedestal. If anything, I wanted to knock him down (in my own mind) from the proverbial pedestal he seemed to already be on.

Something slowly began to shift when I began to see articles and posts about two hospital ships, one docked in LA, and the other in New York. These ships, equipped with a thousand beds apiece, were apparently there to alleviate the over-burdened hospitals, because of COVID 19. I believe the ships were supposed to be taking general patients to allow the actual hospitals to only treat COVID 19 patients. But many employees hired for these ship hospitals apparently were confused because less than half the beds were being used and most of these workers had nothing to do.

What's been happening? Nothing made any sense to me. I did not understand at that time, any good that POTUS was doing, because I did not know then that he had made a promise...

My friend, who empathized with me about my views towards Trump, had forwarded a post to me that had a picture of Donald Trump and JFK JR. on it. The tagline said: "Payback Time Bitches!" What? What does that mean? I had not known this, but these two men had been dear friends. I could see it in the picture because Trump is giving a rare smile. I wasn't sure that there was really ANYONE who made Trump happy, or who he was pleased with.
I saw, a little bit of "vulnerability."

Praise God, I saw something that made this man human. So I looked up interviews of Trump mentioning JFK jr. as a dear friend. His voice was kind...sincere...genine. He was proud to say honestly that he'd known JFK JR, but sad that his friend was gone. For a second, any barriers of suspicion seemed lifted.

POTUS 45 seemed to want to say, "I could talk about him for hours." I was no fan of Trump, but JFK JR.? That was another story! John-John was gorgeous, charismatic, smart, personable, gracious, very outspoken, but gentle. To me, the gentle side of someone always sticks out the most because it's The one that I look for the hardest. When I learn that there is not a gentle side to a person, I tend to get very dismayed and need to know why that happened.

The compassionate side of JFK Jr. was never hard to find.
Whatever we didn't know about JFK's boy seemed to just become minor details because of his outgoing personality and his kind hearted, good nature.

The world had stopped back in 1999 when the Prince of Camelot had been killed in a plane crash with his wife and sister in law. How could this have happened...AGAIN???!! The world had frozen in time in 1963 when JFK had been tragical)y murdered. Then, 36 years later, his son was dead...in a tragic accident.

What nudged at my insides wasn't so much that the president had been friends with John-John...but that JFK Jr. had been good friends with HIM. Did he know something that most of the public does not?...

I'll give a comparison:

Author Kevin Trudeau wrote three books about natural cures. One is "Natural Cures They Don't Want You to Know About," the second is "More Natural Cures They Don't Want You to Know About," and the 3d is "Weight Loss Cures They Don't Want You to Know About." The trouble is, if you Google Kevin Trudeau, you might discredit him right away because you'll find scads of articles that tell you that he has been put in jail. Apparently, he got in trouble for using the word "Cure".

Consistently through the books, Trudeau says that he is not a doctor. He says that modern medicine has its place. Drugs and surgery have their place. He also tells people not to get off of drugs prescribed to them by a doctor after reading his book. Sounds pretty thorough to me. But Trudeau also says that he knows that he's telling people things that will most likely get him into hot water.

In the end he went to prison, supposedly for promising results in his weight loss book that he could not deliver. Trudeau would later say that this was all they could nail him with (Or something to that effect). In other words, over 99% of what's in these books could in fact be true and beneficial, however, because of one thing that apparently, is to the contrary...this guy is in big trouble. I am not promoting Kevin Trudeau or anything he sells...and his past behaviour is none of my business...I don't care.

What I'm saying is, who on earth is this guy hurting just because not everyone gets the same results from his book? The charge against him was criminal contempt. He says results vary, and he also says that he did not write his books to tell people to stop seeing their doctors. But there's one problem: He uses the word "Cure."

In using this word, he is not TELLING people not to see their doctors...in fact as mentioned, he tells them the opposite. But, when I saw the title, I thought "Wow! You mean I wouldn't have to go to the doctor again??" (Maybe)? How did I know? But this would be nice, right? Any psychologist can tell you...sometimes something works just because you believe it's working and your attitude changes. See the lightbulb yet? You do the math... This title might make people believe that they may not have to go and see their doctor anymore. How unconventional is that?? This is simply one of those unwritten rules nobody even THINKS of breaking.

So, one of the things Trudeau claims is that there is a system in place that is all working together and communicating with each other in order to influence the way people think. This includes what they buy, where they travel, what insurance they choose, what medical care they take, what charities they support...and on and on it goes.

Trudeau claims that many accidents and catastrophic events are in fact created, in order that certain services and protections might be offered to help get the average Joe out of the mess he is now in.

Trudeau claims that there are always things going on behind these coordinated events that the public knows nothing about. In other words, it's like being grateful to someone for saving you from falling off a cliff...but you have no idea that the one who saved you is the one who pushed you off in the first place.

This way, they save you, they get the glory, they get the credit. Look at political ads every election...mudslinging everywhere. Are they counting on what we DO know or what we DON'T know when influencing us to make our decisions. I'm not sure because I don't know what to think, and it takes too much time to find out, right?

Getting back to Trudeau...

So, as a result, there is and has been a huge "smear campaign" against Trudeau. This is my opinion based on things I've found online that are consistent with things Trudeau talks about in his books. In other words, Trudeau says that many people do not like the things he writes, and he has been smeared as a result to make it appear as though He's out of his mind. He's been painted in the media as a fake, a "flake".. basically a snake-oil salesman kind of character.

Who would believe someone like that? This is not to say that Trudeau has never done anything that might cause a person to discredit him. He has, and he's admitted that...in his books. The trouble is, researching Kevin Trudeau for accuracy leads people to the "smear campaign" against him...not what he himself has honestly admitted about his own life. Digging deeper might lead one to find more credible information about him...but why bother? People don't want be messed around. We don't want to look stupid because someone else is a liar. So the smear campaign works, and anything of value this person says is buried under double-talk, lies, and an over-magnification of any negative thing they have been associated with (whether real, or made up by someone else). Bullseye.

My point is, that many people, including me, have accused Trump of behaving this way. We say he's a narcissist. It ought to be glaring at us by now that this man is a pompous jerk who is unfit for his job and only cares about his own agenda, right? Only caring about his own agenda and being a pompous ass is one thing. Many political figures have done a lot worse and been easily forgiven. But this guy seems to take stupidity and ignorance to another level. He's rude and loud and his responses to things, or lack thereof, leave people wondering if he's possibly somewhere else in his head that nobody can figure out.

He seems to be like Bob Wiley...walking down the street repeating "I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful." This has caused many to believe that Trump is both incompetent and insane. Psychiatrists have claimed that he has dementia, many people have speculated he's an alcoholic...and on and on it goes.

So then you have the other side of the equation: The Trump supporters in their MAGA hats, holding up Q banners and screaming "USA! USA! USA! Again, do they know something we do not? Maybe.

It makes sense that when your emotions tell you on a spiritual level that someone is to be praised...you pretty much just go with it. But what is So spiritual about him? To me, Trump TRIED to appear spiritual in order to gain attention, but I thought that was all there was to it. So, we then come to the conclusion that Trump is delusional, and so are his..."followers"...right? As to the spiritual level part, guess what? I can't explain this because it is bigger than I am. Man, who wants to live with the discomfort of no explanation?? We want answers. We want solutions. We want a LEADER who will give us ANSWERS, right? Of course...so it has been with every president that's ever been in power. Why is 45 so different??...

Split in Three...The Trinity.

When I really think about it, I'm surprised that we have so-called "Christian" or faith based news sources at all. How many different ways can an angle be stretched before it needs to be thrown out altogether? My point being that so much of the news out there is simply reported from such a negative perspective. When the two elements are merged, or blended, it can sometimes be hard to separate them.

In trying to figure Trump out, I've learned that there are three kinds of news sources, not two: There's the mainstream secular news, the mainstream Evangelical news (yes, you read that right), and then there's the news that seems to have its own stream.

I'll start with the last one first: The point of news that has its own stream is that it's separated from the popular news everybody is watching. To me, this is simply news with a perspective different than the popular mainstream viewpoint. This news is not limited to Evangelical perspectives, it can be either secular, or faith based.

Mainstream news is basically the stream of popular, non faith-based topics that most people hear on the main news networks several times a day. These are the secular news stories that are repeated over and over.

Then we have the strangest one, I think: Evangelical mainstream news. This is basically secular news that is retold (or this attempt is made), with a faith based, largely Evangelical perspective. This is a strange concept I think, because Evangelicals are supposed to be able to be recognized by the secular world as having "clean hands" you might say. They are people of faith, recognized by what is supposed to be a perspective with a firmly planted code of ethics.

Ethics? What's that? Who even knows what ethics are anymore? To me, ethics means doing everything we can to always give someone all the information necessary in order to make a free choice. A violation of ethics is when someone does not have all the information pertinent to making a free choice...and they do not realize it.

It is the considered opinion of many that mainstream secular news largely does not give viewers all the information needed to judge for ourselves what we think about different issues, and that most of the information presented is presented for the purpose of supporting agendas, rather than giving people all the information they need in order to make there own free choice.

Now it used to be that everything was divided in two: you have the secular world and the Christian world. Black...white. Dark...light. You got the picture. So, when a person converted to Christianity, for example, there was Christian music and media, and these things helped a Believer to be salt and light...to stand out...to "evangelize" to those around them. But as pastor David Gibbs says: "Most churches today could be run by a secular business manager."

Sadly, much of Evangelicalism (though not all) has become like a secular business rather than a Christian ministry. So, secularism and evangelicalism are both in the "world"... What happened to the faith base?

What happened to the salt and light? Most of it is in that third stream of news...the news with its own stream. I don't have a name for it...independent, I suppose. Sort of like politics, where more and more people identify as Independent because they believe that both the Democrat and Republican parties are corrupt...and fighting against each other.

In my opinion, the problem with mainstream Evangelical news (the second type), is that it is pretty much a copy of mainstream, secular network news. It's almost as if they've taken the mainstream network nightly news and tried to put a "Christian" or faith-based "coat" around it. Now, this isn't always the case. Also, not every story in Evangelical mainstream news is taken from the mainstream nightly news. This is mainly why many people of faith like the "alternative." But most of it is basically secular, mainstream news with a Christian wrapper.

It is also mixed with many stories about Evangelical ministers and leaders, some, but not most of which can be spoken of in the mainstream media as well. This stance on faith-based leaders and the like is supposed to be the difference in these two genres of media, but more and more, the salt is losing its flavor and the light is being dimmed.

Talk about snakes in the grass! You basically end up with all the venom, all the slime, all the hissing (which often isnt recognized anyway, because people trust the news they are given),the total adrenaline rush and fear factor so that people will WATCH it to begin with...and now you have a network, and news anchors whose job it becomes to put a positive, faithbased spin on all this.

I think the stereotype is that positive is boring...negatve is exciting. Negative keeps people tuned in so they are not bored. Mainstream secular news makes people believe they are fully informed about all the negative stuff that's out there that we need to now avoid in order to be safe.

What does the mainstream Evangelical media try to do? The mainstream Evangelical media is supposed to TRY to...glorify our Creator. That's the point. However, this has become laughable, right? What they end up doing a majority of the time is making people believe they are now fully informed about all the negative stuff that's out there that we need to now avoid in order to be safe...and they put a positive, Christian spin on it.

So even if negative agendas in mainstream, secular media are clear as day...and to many they are...what happens when they are presented wearing a "Christian coat" or a Christian "wrapper"? Here's the problem: what's more negative than a smear campaign? Face it...this is the perfect tactic for magnifying negativity. It's the perfect tactic to cause people to dwell on what scares them or makes them insecure. This makes people afraid, and scrambling for answers...often without even realizing what's happening.

The American public is not stupid... We're just so well adjusted to the negative that we've learned to just say "Whatever" and see what else is on. We might be shocked for a minute, but we've become accustomed to it I think. We KNOW that the majority of our nightly news is depressing. It worries us...it produces anxiety. We know the adrenaline it produces. We're used to it.


Most of the time, we don't even notice it.
Many of us believe that it's honest negativity...but we still believe it's honest. What happens when someone tries to put a faith based angle on it? Yikes! We still have the original negative root. So one of two things happens: Either, the darkness underneath seeps through and begins to convolute the whole thing, or the "faith-based" coat wraps the news up so well that now we have a triple threat: negative agendas that directly affect people's lives that are fueled by particularly negative news, with a not only positive, but faith based spin now put on them that creates confusion as far as what side we should be on. What "angle" are they coming from?? Ouch.

The secular mainstream news, in my opinion, depends on a certain shock value. Are they afraid folks won't tune in? Is it sorta like a box office movie? I'm not sure...I don't produce the evening news. But what happens when you try to put a Christian coat on shock value? What happens when we try to put a Christian "coat" around information derived originally from secular networks, secular sources, etc., who rely so heavily on smear campaigns and even GIVE us our news with the smear campaign already over it? It's tricky because this does not mean that they're lying to you. Oh no, I didn't say that. The mainstream secular media is putting its emphasis on everything negative so that people focus on what scares them.

The evangelical Christian media wants to appear as though they've found the positive faith base in all this negatively charged news, and focus on that... but they also want to REACH people. (Oh no). They want to come down to the level of the average American audiene sitting on their sofas with their phones attached to them, getting charged up on all the negative news anyway. You guys, the result...is a train wreck (a lot of the time).

The result is the negative continually coming through underneath. So what we often end up with is this odd, sort of positive smear campaign, as in smearing the supposed positive all over the negative trying to keep the light shining. But we still have the original negative root. Like a virus, the negativity spreads through much of the faith-based angle, and most of what's left sounds...totally fake. It sounds made up. It sounds as though someone HAS to have an angle to put on what they are saying, so they picked...THIS one. But it sounds contrived. I'm not saying that all news with a faith base sounds contrived. It doesn't. But I found this to be the case especially concerning news about President Trump.

I think there's a strong undercurrent there that seems to scream: "GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK!" People who believe Trump is a selfish, narcissist for example, might think, "Look you guys, if it's honesty and integrity you want, you might try calling a spade a spade...and just be through with it. Admit that this man is a total narcissist, and I might give you the time of day. Don't candy coat it."

This creates a horrible hypocracy that many people (both believers and non-believers) totally detest. All of this is important, simply because Trump's main base of followers is faith-based...mainly evangelical Christians.

Of course, Faith-based news that has an emphasis on Evangelical Christianity is NEVER called "mainstream" because it's supposed to be the alternative, it's supposed to be the light in the darkness, it's supposed to be...faith based. Now, forgive me for picking on anyone, but tell this to personalities such as Glen Beck or Todd Friel, who, in my opinion, both fuel their so -called faith based broadcasts with so much sarcasm and innuendo, that it becomes difficult to know...which side they're on. Are you being serious now, or using continual sarcasm to make a joke? Do you think what you are reporting on is a good thing or a bad thing? I can't tell, because I'm tired of peeling back the layers of what you're saying.

Like an onion that goes bad...this really stinks. By the way, does this sort of "triple threat" (reporting the negative news with a negative agenda with a positive spin) sound at all like anyone else we know? So then (after all that) we add Trump to all of this. What IS he all about anyway? Honestly, I'm still not sure, but as I told you before...he made a promise. It's actually pretty easy: John F. Kennedy Jr. said publicly that one of his life goals was to find those who murdered his father and hold them accountable...even if it meant bringing down the government. When JFK JR was killed in 1999, Donald Trump remembered what his friend had vowed to do...and he apparently took over the job? He vowed to his dear friend that he would "drain the swamp." What does that mean, drain the swamp? In truth, I'm still learning as I go...


On a surface level, one could say: What does any of this have to do with POTUS 45 being such a jerk? What does it have to do with him being so narcissistic and selfish? I've said it before: I wish there was a word for needing to appear as though you are a total ass for a time...until a later time when your true (good) intentions can be made clear. I think president Trump might be best summed up now with this phrase: "If I told you now, you'd never understand it anyway."

In the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy is rescued from the witch's castle, her friends dress up and march like the chanting palace guards sent to find THEM. The guards think they are all one of them, and let them in. They get into the castle and through a series of events, the witch is melted after Dorothy is rescued. All is well!

A person's enemies can often be described as wolves in sheep's clothing. Donald Trump's largely Evangelical following are often described as "Sheeple." They are being led right to the slaughter because they believe the "wolf" in sheep's clothing is on their side, right? But there's a problem with this: Donald Trump seems to have flipped this whole concept on its head.

He's not wearing "sheep's" clothing. He IS the WOLF...And his supporters believe He is protecting them...that he's on their side. He has too much nerve...too much attitude. He's too demanding...hes too much of an ass, but his supporters LOVE him! Why? Just watch the NEWS...the mainstream, secular news...you'll be even more confused than you already are about why Donald Trump seems to abuse and belittle the very loyal following who seems to want to fall at his feet. My feeling was that Trump himself did not need much help, if any...to make himself look bad. Translation: It couldn't be all the media's fault. I just didn't believe that.

Still, how can we explain the "FANS" in their MAGA hats with their Q signs? I wonder if many of Mr. Trump's evangelical fan base realize that to many out there, it seams as though the very people who are supposed to never put up with the blatant mistreatment of others are not only putting up with it, but they are encouraging it. They are agging it on! It's because of the "triple threat." A


And this is the reason that there is a third kind of news source that seems to have its own stream. The saying goes that one bad apple spoils the whole barrel. But I'm not trying to say that Trump is the bad apple...

The "Trinity" (as I choose to call it here), is negative news, smear campaigns, and a faith based perspective put on these things that is not believable. Most people believe, as did I, that the evening news is out there to keep us informed about what's going on. We believe this is in our best interest, and there to protect us. Of course we do...why not? There's good and bad in everything correct? It all depends on your point of view. Sometimes a person's viewpoint changes however, when they get underneath the layers of the onion going bad. Hence this third kind of news source, that seems to have its own stream. Do I call it independent? I don't know. But as far as backing up what we say with sources...this is difficult to let others see if the sources one uses keep disappearing. Checking our news for authenticity can be almost impossible when the only choices you have are negative news with negative sources, or negative news with a positive spin, checked with sources that are also negative news with a positive spin. Eventually, these two are going to mesh together and look just like the others.

Guys, the mainstream media simply is not very friendly or accepting towards news or sources that are in this third type. In fact, more and more, this third type of news isn't even allowed to be given attention on the first type of news. Things are deleted...taken off...shut down...suspended...not there to be seen anymore. Now, if you believe that the first type of news is there for our good, okay...then when news of the third type is silenced, taken down or deleted, you believe that it's for our good as well, right...because they're doing us a favor by letting us know what isn't true. Right?

Let's get back to the ship hospitals. In the first type of news, it was reported that Samaritan's Purse, Franklin Graham's ministry was...running the ship hospitals? Apparently, they were staffed completely with Samaritan's Purse volunteers free of charge...who were happy to help. But then it was reported that the state of New York demanded tax money from Samaritan's Purse. Why? The first type of news reported that the federal government was not providing enough aid for Corona virus victims and so the taxes were necessary. Franklin Graham is on President Trump's team. They are allies, would you say? That's just FYI.

The second type of news, understandably glorified Samaritan's purse, because it's an evangelical ministry. Why not? It talked about Franklin Graham offering hope. It also reported that the organization was treating Covid-19 patients. But the mainstream media had reported that the ship hospitals were treating non Covid-19 patients to allow the overburdened hospitals to only treat COVID patients. But the evangelical Christian news sources basically reported what the mainstream secular news did.

So what about the third type? When I looked into the third type of news sources, I found videos that said that both ship hospitals and the medical MASH unit type tents set up were treating children...that they were rescuing children. Children??

There were pictures of doctors and nurses treating tiny little bodies...several of them with abnormalities. There were photos of plastic IV bags filled with liquid nutrition. There were sippy cups, teddy bears, humidifiers in the shape of penguins, baby incubators. Hospital ships apparently are not allowed to deliver babies. Why would there be incubators for infants? I had no idea, but, did anyone hear about any of this in the mainstream media?? Now it could be argued that children and babies can get this (virus) too, and they need to be treated as well. Yes. So, if that's the case, why did the mainstream media not report it that way?

Why the pictures of deformities? Why the pictures of limbs that are so so thin that no IV can even be put in them? Why does everything in the tent hospitals/ ship hospitals look like it's for children and not adults? And another thing: Why all the Orange Crush Soda, Starbucks, candy and sugary food and drinks, along with boxes and boxes of Pampers? Not one thing shown seemed to be for adults...only kids. It looked as though these doctors and nurses were treating starvation and dehydration...rather than COVID 19.

I saw not one ventilator. There is however an audio clip of someone close to one of the nurses in the Central Park MASH unit. The woman was on the phone with someone, and she said: "The situation with the kids is real, and it's just horrible." What situation with the kids? What did she mean?? It might just be that if I post that video, or a link to it, this blog entry might stay up...I don't know. That video is in the category of news that has its own stream and this category is most of the time, taken down, in my view, by the first type of news. I say this because it's been my own experience. Things are being taken down and removed.

I heard once that apparently women who are hired to play Disney princesss in their theme parks are required to be smiling all the time. When they do not smile, they are given a zing of electrical current through some sort of a device they are required to wear. I wondered if a job like that would really be WORTH it! The anxiety, the humiliation, the invasion of privacy! I guess it comes with the territory, but still...always wondering whether somebody will ZAP you or not??

So, now imagine you are President Trump, and there are only certain answers the media wants from you when they question you...and you know it...all the time. If you don't answer what they want, you get zapped, in the form of scathing reports that misquote you, and blatantly say that you are unfit to do your job. Do you think you'd want to bother answering their questions, or would you tell them to mind their own business and keep walking?

I think the EXPECTED reaction would be for President Trump to allow himself to be pigeon holed. Would reporters then be satisfied because their questions had been answered? Possibly...but he's the president...maybe he has something he feels is more important that he'd like to say. Doesn't he have that right? He should. If he allowed himself to be pigeon holed and turned into a robot just to appease them, then our leader would not have a mind of his own. He would be spineless. We don't want that do we?

But I think one reason so many can't stand the 45th president is because most of his answers seem to be generalized statements that he makes over and over again...so much so that he sounds as though he doesn't know what he's talking about. It sounds like filler...almost like he's making it up as he goes. Why?...

Did you know Mel Gibson was blacklisted in Hollywood? Apparently he spoke openly about some absolutely grotesque things he says go on in Hollywood circles. In a sense...he said too much and he was...kicked out? That could be one way to explain it...

Imagine that every word you said to the public, there was someone right next to you reading Miranda rights in your ear. So, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, (hypothetically speaking), as well as in the first type of media (because you're the president). What exactly would you be ALLOWED to say?? Anything? Here's the public wishing you would take advantage of the first Miranda right, (be silent), while the media continually bashes you in the head because they think you don't have any answers to anything in the first place. This is a terrible pun, but, is there any breathing room here?

What if Mr.Trump is making major decisions behind the scenes that most of the public wouldn't understand anyway? The thing is, even the feeling of secrecy makes folks very distrustful doesn't it?: What are you doing that I don't know about?? I think Mr. Trump is keeping a promise: He's draining the swamp. Now if you've been tuning into the (third type) of news, you know what this hashtag means. If you have not, you might have no idea what I'm saying, and might be REALLY frustrated with me now because I wont just come out and tell you what the heck I'm talking about...

Is it confusing when Christians remind you to have faith all the time? Does it sound like the people of faith who are supposed to know better are just letting the "wolf" get away with all kinds of bad behavior? Yeah, I get it. I've been really...embarrassed by this for a long time.

There is no way to talk about this whole thing without talking about faith in things higher than we are. The fact is, this has many people angry and scared. Let's face it, we've been taught over and over again about "separation" of church and state, right? So why do Christians seem to be getting so much favor here? (From someone who seems to not care about them at all)? Why does it seem like not only are Christians getting all the clout here...but they seem to be getting that clout from a man who seems to just be the complete antithesis of everything they say they stand for? As I said, if you're familiar with the third source of news, you
Most likely are familiar on some level with the "good things" that Trump is doing.

I could be wrong, but I think it's like this: Most of Trump's faith based fan base gets at least some of their news and information from that third source of news...but there's no platform for that third source of news most of the time. News with its own stream tends to be taken down...it disappears. So you know why somebody is your hero, but it becomes harder and harder to share it with people. Meanwhile, the smear campaigns continue in the first kind of news... they are presented as truth oftentimes, but are always sensationalized.

Meanwhile, those who don't have a platform in news that has its own stream... The only alternative for this that I know of, is the evangelical Christian media, the second type of media...but there often isn't much we can say. We are not believed, and trying to put a faith based spin on things just makes then convoluted and confusing. Who would believe that? If someone is outside of Christian circles and trying to understand what's going on...how can they? The type 1 news isn't friendly to the type 3 news and it is largely silenced. So what comes out are very generalized, vague statements:

"Why do you support Trump?"
"Look at all the great things he's doing!"
"Really? What great things are those?
"Do your research. Look it up! It's all out there!"
Now we sound just like the President, right?

("Oh okay...youre a Trump supporter...I got it.").

I don't blame you for thinking this.

What does that mean? Come on. You don't want me to start all over at the beginning do you? Okay, well, as I said, it's a mess out there.

So, all things considered, how on earth do we who claim Trump is doing all these good things even begin to say what they are?

Enter Qanon.

I could never really understand the good that is taking place because of president Trump until I began looking at Q drops. If you still do not believe that parts of the news are taken down or made not valid, that's up to you, but consider that Qanon actually began on the dark web. This alone causes many to dismiss the whole thing and think it's a bunch of BS. Now, Q message boards that assign numbers to each drop make them easy to look up and research. There's even Q app. Dark web? Nevermind, just Google it. 😊 But Qanon began in 2017. In my view, Qanon is a way for people who pay attention to the third type of news to get some validation, some answers and some support. The identity of Q is not known. Some people believe it's a group of people. Some people believe it's Trump himself. Some people believe it's the Trump administration. Some people think Q is all of the above, and some believe that Q is John F Kennedy Jr. himself. Want to understand Trump's crazy tweets? Start looking at Q drops. Wanna know what #DrainTheSwamp means? Start looking at Q drops. Wanna know about the good things Trump is doing? Start looking at Q drops. Think all of this is the most ridiculous thing in the world because we believe that John-John is alive? Okay. I can't blame you. By the way, have you ever seen an aerial shot of the JFK Memorial?

Follow the pen...

So, trust me...I don't understand things like pictures of our president and the first lady with Jeffery Epstein. I don't understand why he he won't show his tax returns like every other president has. I don't understand Mary Trump's book. I don't understand a lot of things. In the end all I can do is quote Q and "trust the plan." I just wanted to try and let people know: If you think we're all nuts, I understand. I wanted to try and give something more then just "It doesn't matter what he did."

The Little Things

Duh?? But I thought...

So here I am once again saying that I am no doctor first. I have no medical expertise to back up what I'll say here. This is just my opinion based on everyday things I go through myself.

So, what does Autism feel like?

Autistics love to take a long time doing things that others think is nothing but a waste of time. So we might, for example, find a piece of red lint stuck to a white comforter. We might find joy in watching it roll through our fingers for an hour. At that point, we might be pulled out of our bliss by some concerned relative: "You need help?!" This is
a completely rational question. But who could ever understand why we are so happy staring at lint, or that we are even DOING that?? These kinds of thought processes are normal to us, but certainly not rational. That's right, I said they are not rational. This is not a bad thing in and of itself; but the thing is that most of the functions that must be carried out in order to get through any day are rational and necessary...AND we must do them because someone else requires it, at the pace at which they require it. How does this work when we are fascinated by staring at lint for an hour, or more?


An autistic persons thoughts need to "build" first. Think of dominoes or a kids blocks. Our thought process about mundane, everyday things such as washing dishes has to build up, peace by piece in our heads. I personally have found that with repetition, this DOES come quicker and more automatically; we don't think so much about it. But unfortunately, this isn't always the case. The strangeness comes when we become frustrated to the core, insisting that we don't need your help.

The typical world out there just does not leave room for our kind of processing when it comes to things that need to be done instinctively and quickly. Our brains often work in reverse to the way a typical mind would process mundane actions. To most of us, these are the time-wasters we want to hurry and get out of the way. So, for an autistic, we can end up in tears because the "typical" often has to be taken over and done for us; we appear clumsy and as though we are in serious need of instructions. This is because we were given four or five instructions, but we are still trying to process the second thing you said. Many times, we've understood it all, but these things ate processed much more slowly. This includes getting around to TELLING you that we might need you to repeat some things. That thought is in the cue, if you will, but we haven't gotten that far down the line yet. As a result, we have a keen awareness of what we are struggling to get done, but an apparent inability to finish it. Sometimes we can't even start it.

Autistic women in particular have a hard time with executive function. In other words, we can have brilliant ideas that are very detailed but no idea how to carry them out. To the autistic who doesn't drive, this can be VERY difficult to endure. Example: We can be over the moon about baking a wedding cake. We can see what it looks like in our minds, the piping, the color frosting, the filling inside...everything. But then there's the reality that we are unable to drive to the store, to physically pick up all the groceries. We can make the list, we know what we want, but we are dependent on someone else to go get it. How could something so simple be so damn HARD?? This is maddening to us. So we spend a lot of time being so close, yet so far away from actually finishing things. This frustration can absolutely cripple us. However, it's harder still when we explain what is distressing us out loud and it is usually a mundane, normal, everyday thing. Why would we get so upset over THAT?? (People around us wonder).

Sadly, autistic often are tempted to cut corners or make something "finish" quicker, when a task typically needs to take a lot of time and be done peice by piece...slowly. This is because we have to "burn" so much energy just doing the smaller things that lead to bigger things. We LOVE the anticipation of completing something we a enjoy. This makes us feel "high"-- it's like a drug! But at the same time, we live in dread of being unable to actually complete it, because of the gaps and holes in our ability to execute and carry out what we want to do. We often need help with what are considered to be typical tasks, and on the surface it might seem like no big deal...but OH, how this can hang us up! Energy that COULD be used creatively is sacrificed to the mundane things that we can't complete because other adults in our lives don't have the time to stop what they are doing and come running. Makes us sound like conceited jerks, doesn't it?

Self Defense (Let's flip the coin).

Duh?? But I thought...

I see many many writings\posts\blogs that have to do with teaching those who do not have autism how to treat those who do have it. While I think this is a great idea, sometimes I'm troubled because rarely do I see anything that deals with teaching those with autism how to treat those who do not have it. I understand this is a very broad subject, because the spectrum varies so greatly. But I believe it can be done. Of course, a persons age and their cognitive ability must be considered, but I would like to change the mindset of Autism if I could.

When we learn to drive, for example, we are taught to drive defensively...try to look out for the other guy and anticipate what he will do. Now I realize that not everyone drives, but many people with autism do. Some people look at the road as a grid, divided into sections. Some people see it like a chess game: Develop a strategy and know when to make your move. So how can we teach those with autism the same principles when it comes to emotions and sensitivities? I think it's like negatives and positives in algebra. When someone solves an equation in Algebra, they apply the opposite to what's already there. Positives are made negatives while negatives are made positives.

Since those with Autism often deal in terms of logic, might it be useful to try and see emotion as logical? For example, questions that often seem unnecessary to someone with autism, are just normal and even comforting maybe to those without autism. And this principle works the same way when it's flipped, like flipping a coin. Questions from someone with autism that may seem redundant and unnecessary are just normal and par for the course. As people with autism, we simply cannot expect everyone to explain things in the terms that we like or that are comfortable to us. We have to choose what we will hold onto and let go of. Those who do not have autism often have a limited understanding of what it actually is. We therefore have a special responsibility to help them understand...gently. It's actually very simple: If we do not allow someone else to be themselves, how can we logically expect that they will do this for us? This is not balanced or fair (the irony being that those with autism are usually so consumed, by everything on the inside, that fairness and balance often goes out the window.)

However, this is my whole point. How can we teach those with autism that it is not a good thing to make others responsible for our emotions? It is not a good thing, nor is it acceptable to expect others to bear the weight of empathy that we are unwilling to give. It is plain and simple: We need to learn somehow to see situations from another's perspective. I think a good start is knowing that people with autism CAN do this. We must never believe that just because we have autism, we have a free pass and do not need to worry about it.

I see so many people with autism expecting people without autism to understand what we go through, and to realize that we are different. I get this...completely!! But what if we flipped the coin? (Like I said). It's ok to need more patience and understanding, but...not if it destroys your backbone and your strength. I realize that some people have autism so severely, that they need other adults to look after them their whole lives. But, for many of us with autism, this is not necessary because we have our own opinions and our own interests...and we are VERY vocal about them. So, could it be that we can apply logical thinking to feeling empathy for somebody else? Because a major stereo type of autism is that, we have great trouble seeing anyone else's point of view or caring how they think or feel. Autism (as I've said before), simply means ONE. We are within ourselves. We gravitate within ourselves. We prefer our own company to the company of others. Our brains are always overloaded with many many things because we focus on one thing at a time, and everything else in life has to stand in line behind that one thing. (So, it could be months before we pick up a pile of stuff in a room in our home... because we simply haven't gotten to that part of the cue yet).

The problem is, there are 3 streams of information going on all the time:. Past, present and future, right? People without autism are simply much more able to "juggle" or go back and forth between the three and make transitions. We (autistics) can usually only focus on one thing at a time. We string it together, piece by piece, and if the pattern is broken, or the pieces come apart, we go back, pick them up, and start over. The thing is...this is how we get stuck. Three hours later (for example) after we've had several interruptions, we are in a different PRESENT, and now have three more hours of PAST to tack on to it, where in the world are we? The present we WERE focused in (3 hours ago) is gone, and we can't remember where we started because we now have to make room in our heads for the interruptions we've had. And, our future could be forever changed depending on what we missed in the three hours now past...did we have deadline or an interview? Were we supposed to to pick up a kid or something? Oh dear. So often, it isn't that we can't stay on task. We are so GOOD at being on task that we will devote 3 hrs to something that someone else will only give 20 minutes to. We look at this as loyalty, devotion, committment and extreme perserverence because look how much energy we put into just doing that ONE thing?? To someone without autism, this might sound completely naive or ridiculous. But to many individuals who are (we might say) higher functioning, this reasoning is just normal. The trouble is, this often seems like just an excuse to be lazy.

Suffice it to say, our lives can become like a never-ending chain of explanations and apologies for our social awkwardness, our self-focused attitude, our weird eye- movements, our inappropriately placed phrases (What???) and the like.

So, since those with Autism seem to struggle with being very defensive anyway, can that energy be redirected in order to give the autistic that sense of empowerment they need...like (we) need air to breathe. I think so. As a result, even my own blog is going to change. We need to help those with Autism navigate through the world at large with a sense that they can DO it...rather than an endless stream of worry about every possible thing that can go wrong.

The person growing up with Autism usually feels very accutely that they are different or backwards from everyone else. Usually, we can't explain what this is, or why...we just know it's there. We often feel "blank" inside...empty...like some sort of instinct that is present in everyone else just doesn't exist in us. As a result, we put a lot of effort into "filling this "void" or space. This process is a lot of work. Period. This process wears us out. This process makes us moody, irritable, angry...sometimes we cry for what might seem like no reason. We have trouble making decisions about (what might be considered) little things. Often, before we even begin a "task" we are mentally and physically worn out. We long to be "normal" and then when normalcy is attempted, we realize exactly why we don't want it. We feel like this is a betrayal of who we are...like we are not being ourselves. So, what to do?

For some reason, opposites seem to communicate things pretty well. So maybe I should explain what I don't want to do. I don't want just another list, or formula or explanation. Admittedly, this is odd because, I talked earlier about being logical and applying logic. But there is such a thing as too much information, right? We all know what that is. Knowledge is power...but not if someone is overburdened with it. Being overburdened with what we KNOW can have the exact opposite affect of what we want. This leaves us emotions. Stop. This is not about telling anyone HOW to do anything. The high functioning autistic is most like VERY familiar with "How to" or "How not to" formulas for everything. We explore things endlessly as as a way to try and learn to control things around us. We have that damn space inside us that never seems filled...no matter what we do.

Now I'm not saying that those who are not autistic always know what to do and they always have the answers they look for. Obviously, this is not true. Everyone has insecurities, everyone is unsure of themselves, everyone has fears, everyone needs help. But to put it simply, Neuro-typicals (or folks whose brains are wired in the typical way)seem to have abilities to cope and handle situations or encounters with the unknown that those with Autism simply don't have. To explain it another way...something "kicks in" on the inside that helps them know what to do.

Autistic individuals who would most likely be considered high functioning know that this exists...and we long to experience it ourselves...we want to find it too!! (What is that?). But how do you find something if you can't even describe what you're looking for? How do you do something about a given issue, when the only thing to (do) is leave it alone? How do fill a void with something when all other attempts to fill it have left you empty? The answer won't come in another explanation as to why an autistic brain is wired differently. While any explanation might be very helpful...we all know how it feels when a given explanation logically leads to more questions...which then require more explanations.

If you see the pattern there, good for you. Patterns are wonderful. Explanations are wonderful. Data that offers proof is wonderful. The ability to be objective is amazing. There are places for all these things. They all fit in somewhere. These are all needed in our lives. But how do we soothe that seemingly "empty" part of us that always seems to require another explanation? How do we as autistics discover this "instinct" that others seem to have that we don't? How can we accept what is unknown without being constantly petrified by it? How do we handle putting so much effort into being effortless? How do we handle putting so much effort into taking it easy? Guess what guys, I don't know. But I do know this: The last thing the world needs is one more explanation into what it's "LIKE" to be autistic. Please forgive any hurt feelings I've just caused; but explanations usually cause arguments, right? Then the arguments usually scream for validation or proof, right? So therein is the never ending cycle. Explanation. Arguments. Explanation. Arguments. I would like to get off the damn merry-go-round. If you're comfortable there and you want to stay on, be my guest. But I say, there's got to be something else.

Now, this cycle certainly is NOT limited to those with Autism. Not at all. Everybody wonders about these things...the difference is that people who do not have autism seem to have an instinct that helps them cope with the unknown that those with Autism don't seem to have. I'm not saying this is truth. I'm saying, in my opinion, this is the uncertainty we struggle with while others around us seem to accept the unknown and know it will be okay and then move on. How do we soothe that of ourselves that we constantly seem to explaining to others because of an awkwardness we don't fully understand ourselves? In the meantime, I need to stop here because my brain is tired. But no more long, drawn out explanations. Let's flip the coin...

Disability, Divorce Singleness and Marriage... Why I Think no one is Bridging the Gap

Duh?? But I thought...

In the film "This is where I Leave You," A family comes back together to sit shiva, having just lost their father. In doing so, each person must face their demons...they must confront their skeletons in the closet, you might say. On the same block, lives a gentle, sweet guy named Horry. The story is that years back, Horry, and one of the sisters of this family, Wendy, were in a car accident. Both survived: Wendy, remained her usual self...while Horry suffered brain damage. So, Horry...lived at home, from that time on. He never married, had any children, or learned to drive (that I know of). I believe we are also supposed to get the impresson that Horry remains devoted to Wendy all of his life...but he stays alone.

Wendy, on the other hand, moves away from home, gets married, has two kids, a very busy job, and shows up at her mother's house in...is that a Suburban? Anyway, she is the perfect picture of the busy mom who keeps everything together. She's been...perfectly "calloused" by a contemporary life...while Horry, stayed in one place and always had to contend with the "ache" of wondering what it's REALLY like out there. Horry also has some impulse control issues as a way of "showing" his disability on camera...and we see his internal struggles at not being quite like the rest of us. But, at the same time, thank God he is NOT like the others...who have all become disconnected and insensitive...unemotional and unattached, to things that are naturally supposed to move a person and fill them with wonderment. Everyone else in the movie seems to be drowning in the complications of life, while behaving as though they are not gasping for air.

Wow. Why is it that life experience makes us have to lie to "experience" it...while a lack of (being able) to experience things...make us WISH we could? The stereo-type for Horry, as a disabled character, is that "if he were not the way he is" he could've made Wendy very happy. Wendy herself, even tells her brother Judd that she will never love her own husband the way that she loved Horry...

Time out. Now, for anybody, whether they are married or unmarried...we each have the privilege of learning to love ourselves and handle conflicts (ouch). We are single individuals. Some of us stay single...and some of us find someone to marry. Then there are those of us who go through the brokenness of divorce. Wow. seems that more and more pastors are wanting to avoid seeing that last one. Can anyone blame them? The odd thing is, that most of the time, when I've heard the singleness sermon or singleness talk, it is pointed out early that most of the world automatically caters to married couples and singles are overlooked or left out in the cold. Interesting because this has not been my experience AT ALL. Never once, in any of my young life, have I actually been ENCOURAGED to get married (by the church, or otherwise). And...I am not happy about this. So what is my story? I am a single woman with a disability, who's from a home where there was divorce. Have I had a little taste of everything? Yes...well, everything except my own marriage...which continues to elude me... while it keeps sliding down this black hole of "singleness is just easier"...

This is a hard one. In the church, when ministers teach on the subject, they quote the apostle Paul, saying "Would that everyone could be like me.". In Paul's story, his zealousness for singularly serving the Lord is central...while the issue of marriage is pretty much an afterthought...a postscript. So for the sake of teaching the scripture authentically, it is quoted that here is what Paul thinks about the situation. Amen to our pastors...they are wonderful individuals. But might I humbly suggest something?

We are not the Apostle Paul. None of us are. Were you thrown off a horse on the road to Damascus? Okay, so I think it's quite safe to say that no one else is the Apostle Paul. He had a very particular calling on his life...more difficult and rigorous and "out there" then most other people on earth. Yet folks who secretly ache inside to fulfill their Creator's oldest covenant are made to swallow their tears and wonder why they are not as strong as Paul, as joyful as Paul, as faithful as Paul...as caviler as Paul. Does this make us lousy believers in Christ?

It's always been interesting to me that the church as a whole, seems to "teach" so much about strength being in weakness. This is true. So I have one question: Why don't we encourage more people to be married? Is it because we're afraid of the "D" word? I think so. Is singleness better? In fairness, it depends on the person...but this means that marriage needs to be presented in a positive light at least part of the time. In my personal experience, I just don't see this happening. Again, interesting...because G-d said: "I will design (make) for him a helpmate.". Anyway, I watch "This is Where I Leave You," and I always wonder why Horry and Wendy COULDN'T have gotten married. Wendy could help Horry where he was exhausted, or his memory failed him...she was very good with details. Horry could help Wendy lighten up and feel better when the pressures of being an "adult" got to be too much. He could call her "Sunflower," and make her day! Where is the terrible "ill" in this?

If you listen to a pastor named Paul Washer, he will tell you that we live in a world that hates marriage, it hates women, it hates men and it hates children. I can't say I disagree...I think that pretty much sums it up. Yet the irony of many single's lives, is that most people around them are rapidly becoming...not single...all the time. To top it off, they seem to do this pretty effortlessly. That someone they wanted seems to just float into their life. Okay, so Paul Washer is right about the state of the world, meaning that marriage is probably the hardest thing on the planet...people seem to be "qualifying" for this "hardest thing on the planet" left and right...but I...don't qualify for it.

In church we talk a lot about being broken to be made better. Very purifying process. So what about children who are put through divorce? Ouch. Sorry...this is not an easy question. To the parents out there who are broken hearted because this is the situation you've been in: I am so sorry. To any adults out there who are now afraid to get married, or pessimistic about it...remember, you are making your own history now... Divorce leaves both children & adults broken and insecure...but of course children do not have any previous life experience, or the intellect in order to process what is happening to them. Children with disabilities often have different reasoning processes and level's of cognitive ability. These differences can also allow them to create different coping strategies that can be very strange to those around them...or they can cause those around them to possibly believe that they probably will not be able to "do" certain things when they reach certain ages...

Again, this is a hard thing to talk about, because emotions can run high. When a child is differently abled, and then becomes an adult who is differently abled...it often forces their parents to "become" differently abled as well in order to connect and relate. This requires a lot of time, energy and patience...more so than with a child who is simply higher functioning...and of course the amount of care, time & attention also depends severity of the disability. However the trauma of divorce often does not allow for this...to put it simply. Parents are often brokenhearted, angry, frustrated and depleted of energy, and now faced with doing a job by themselves, not only daunting for two parents, but requiring additional help & support because disability is involved. In this case, sometimes a parent's need for normalcy simply does not allow their "differently abled" child to be strange, unusual or unorthodox. The child, is often then pushed into finding their own coping strategies, and trying to appear as normal as possible to try and make it easier for mom and dad.

By the way, isn't this the exact model for marriage?? Isn't that what we do?...we commit ourselves for life to a person who is differently abled (then us), and requires much care and attention, and then we work hard to protect them...to help them...to make things as normal as possible for them, even when we need to deny our own needs, feelings and comforts?

I'm sure you've heard people say that, it always happens when you're not looking for it.". The thing is, to the literal mind, who constantly struggles with "grasping" concepts in the first place...this is almost impossible. A person with a disability knows what struggle is...when we want something, we have to struggle, often work much harder than those around us to do even little things, from learning to tie our shoes, to following a recipe, to to hooking up a DVD player...Yet, when it comes to the most important, pivotal decision ANYONE can make (next to knowing Yeshua)...it always happens when you're NOT looking for it. Okay...a couple things you need to know about folks with disabilities (maybe 3): 1. Surprises are often very difficult for us to handle. 2. We feel most things very deeply, and it's difficult for us to recover. 3. We need independence like we need air to breathe, because it can be so difficult to come by...but we also need a lot more help then we like to admit.

"Hey, doesn't everybody?" right? Of course. But here's the thing: People with disabilities cope differently. I know, I'm a broken record...but this world does not like raw emotion. It does not like sweetness, it does not like gentleness, it does not like temper tantrums because they suggest a lack of control...(unless it is for the purpose of someone's entertainment...then we encourage it), it does not like ANYTHING innocent or childlike. These things must be avoided at all costs. Anyone with these issues must "grow up"... something folks with specific disabling conditions want desperately to prove that they can do everyday anyway. Adults are just children in older bodies. We get scared, we make mistakes; we don't know what we are doing and we need wisdom. But many folks with disabilities often struggle with feeling that they must compensate for a child-like dependency that we just can't seem to overcome, mo matter what we do. Oftentimes our gentler, more childlike spirits can make it hard for us to really feel that those around us are able to take us seriously. I even mentioned to a friend recently that when I get angry, I tend to become like caricature of myself.

A youthful sounding voice and a bubbly sort of disposition sometimes makes me seem like a kid who's just making too big a deal out of little things. And speaking of little things... these are hard to keep at bay sometimes. They say it's not good to bottle things up, but, sometimes, if we don't...our level of emotion can keep us from just getting through a day normally. I call it an undercurrent. There are things that will happen to us throughout the day that can feel like little "pin pricks" inside. These are things that bother us, but we might not even be aware of it because we have to compartmentalize it somewhere else...because it simply cannot be dealt with right now. The trouble is, these things can "build up" inside...it's sort of like a hose that has kink in it. There's a little trickle of water, but when the kink is...UN-twisted...the water comes, full-force. Now you have what the world of psychology calls "impulse control.". It looks like an adult having a temper tantrum, or acting like a kid. Hory has this issue too in the movie, because he needs someone to drive him home and he's more forgetful than he'd like to be.

In my opinion, we live in a society where people are so concerned about people getting married for the wrong reasons that we have no idea what the RIGHT ones are. When a person wants to marry someone, it's because that person makes them feel good about themselves. That's it. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but it's true. Marriage is really hard...there's no question about it...this is why we better find someone who makes us feel better about ourselves! Alright, so there's my simple, to the point logic. But what happens to someone who says this in the church? They are bombarded faster than they can blink an eye. We are bombarded with reminders that G-d is our everything, and no human can fulfill us. We are bombarded with talk about sacrifice and serving the Lord. We are bombarded with thinking about what G-d's calling on our life. And (Sorry to say it) we become confused and think that maybe someday when we can just learn to get all this together and get it right...then we can finally "qualify" to be married. Thus, an awful lot of planing goes into this most important of decisions that... always happens when you're not looking for it.

So what do we do? All we are trying to do is be poised and ready for something we need to "let go of" because it always happens when we are not looking for it. Disability will often give a person a dependence on other adults that is more profound. Oftentimes, we HATE this, because we want to be "grown up" like those around us. But do we really? Getting back to the movie: All of the able-bodied characters are miserable, discontented, spoiled, never-know-when-to-shut-their-mouth brats who, always have something mean to say. These are the people who did something with their lives, while Horry never left home because he...doesn't even drive. But Horry is loyal to his core for Wendy, and though she married someone else...she is still his Sunflower. He's happy for her, never having expected her to stay with him. His tender-hearted spirit unchanged from the last time she saw him. Okay, I would MUCH rather be Horry! (Even if someone has to drive me around for the rest of my days!). This is the impresson we are SUPPOSED to get in the film. But why is it that (after all that) Horry is portrayed as the poor soul who never did anything with his life?

Why couldn't he have gotten married...had children even? I would venture to say that it's because the World's version of "normal" is the angry, discontented, argumentative, always-have-something-mean-to-say personality, that is all the other characters in the movie. My point is...it's a lie. But as long as we look at disability and impulse control (which can be managed, by the way)and extra dependence on other adults as things to always be feared and avoided...then people like Horry will always be stereo-typed as having nowhere to go and not much to do with their lives. Not true at all...at least not for many disabled folks out there. So what do we do to fill the gap? Do we just tell people in Horry's position how "wonderful" they are and how much easier it is to just stay single? What does someone do when they are over sensitive and socially akward...and they don't drive, so getting around requires extra help? What does someone do when their undying sense of loyalty to one person won't allow them to date, because nothing can disrupt the love they hold for that life-partner they want? The world says: "How will you find them if you DON'T date?"

And I'm sorry to say it, but usually the mainstream church is not much help at all...usually encouraging people to date pretty much the way the world does, while simply putting a Christian spin on it. It's either this...or we use the Apostle Paul (Rabbi Sha'ul) or Yeshua himself as examples. There is NOTHING at all wrong with this...except for one thing: Yeshua was never MARRIED! Nothing wrong with that either...but now we're back to "singleness is just easier, " and that line of reasoning.

All of this to say that we have to meet someone on their level and we have to have patience. Some sweet, sweet things can come from truly getting to know a person. Be prepared to expect the unexpected. A person might be loyal to a fault and unable to "try" different relationships because of their strong desire to be faithful to a spouse they are still waiting to meet. Someone might love you so intensely that they can't look at you. Your eyes might shoot right through them and make the earth move...but at present it seems like they hate you. Ask...seek...investigate. You never know. That stand-offish person keeping to themselves? Offer to take them for a drive; they might really need to get out. That adult on disability? If you can...give them a job. Let them work based on their willingness to try rather than a "cookie cutter" set of qualifications. They might be the hardest worker you've ever had! "For whatever you did for the least of these...you've done for me." God bless our pastors and clergyman, who do their best to walk us through the deepest waters of life...while making sure no one drowns. Their help is invaluable! Keep an open mind and a tender heart.