Duh?? But I thought...
In the film "This is where I Leave You," A family comes back together to sit shiva, having just lost their father. In doing so, each person must face their demons...they must confront their skeletons in the closet, you might say. On the same block, lives a gentle, sweet guy named Horry. The story is that years back, Horry, and one of the sisters of this family, Wendy, were in a car accident. Both survived: Wendy, remained her usual self...while Horry suffered brain damage. So, Horry...lived at home, from that time on. He never married, had any children, or learned to drive (that I know of). I believe we are also supposed to get the impresson that Horry remains devoted to Wendy all of his life...but he stays alone.
Wendy, on the other hand, moves away from home, gets married, has two kids, a very busy job, and shows up at her mother's house in...is that a Suburban? Anyway, she is the perfect picture of the busy mom who keeps everything together. She's been...perfectly "calloused" by a contemporary life...while Horry, stayed in one place and always had to contend with the "ache" of wondering what it's REALLY like out there. Horry also has some impulse control issues as a way of "showing" his disability on camera...and we see his internal struggles at not being quite like the rest of us. But, at the same time, thank God he is NOT like the others...who have all become disconnected and insensitive...unemotional and unattached, to things that are naturally supposed to move a person and fill them with wonderment. Everyone else in the movie seems to be drowning in the complications of life, while behaving as though they are not gasping for air.
Wow. Why is it that life experience makes us have to lie to "experience" it...while a lack of (being able) to experience things...make us WISH we could? The stereo-type for Horry, as a disabled character, is that "if he were not the way he is" he could've made Wendy very happy. Wendy herself, even tells her brother Judd that she will never love her own husband the way that she loved Horry...
Time out. Now, for anybody, whether they are married or unmarried...we each have the privilege of learning to love ourselves and handle conflicts (ouch). We are single individuals. Some of us stay single...and some of us find someone to marry. Then there are those of us who go through the brokenness of divorce. Wow. seems that more and more pastors are wanting to avoid seeing that last one. Can anyone blame them? The odd thing is, that most of the time, when I've heard the singleness sermon or singleness talk, it is pointed out early that most of the world automatically caters to married couples and singles are overlooked or left out in the cold. Interesting because this has not been my experience AT ALL. Never once, in any of my young life, have I actually been ENCOURAGED to get married (by the church, or otherwise). And...I am not happy about this. So what is my story? I am a single woman with a disability, who's from a home where there was divorce. Have I had a little taste of everything? Yes...well, everything except my own marriage...which continues to elude me... while it keeps sliding down this black hole of "singleness is just easier"...
This is a hard one. In the church, when ministers teach on the subject, they quote the apostle Paul, saying "Would that everyone could be like me.". In Paul's story, his zealousness for singularly serving the Lord is central...while the issue of marriage is pretty much an afterthought...a postscript. So for the sake of teaching the scripture authentically, it is quoted that here is what Paul thinks about the situation. Amen to our pastors...they are wonderful individuals. But might I humbly suggest something?
We are not the Apostle Paul. None of us are. Were you thrown off a horse on the road to Damascus? Okay, so I think it's quite safe to say that no one else is the Apostle Paul. He had a very particular calling on his life...more difficult and rigorous and "out there" then most other people on earth. Yet folks who secretly ache inside to fulfill their Creator's oldest covenant are made to swallow their tears and wonder why they are not as strong as Paul, as joyful as Paul, as faithful as Paul...as caviler as Paul. Does this make us lousy believers in Christ?
It's always been interesting to me that the church as a whole, seems to "teach" so much about strength being in weakness. This is true. So I have one question: Why don't we encourage more people to be married? Is it because we're afraid of the "D" word? I think so. Is singleness better? In fairness, it depends on the person...but this means that marriage needs to be presented in a positive light at least part of the time. In my personal experience, I just don't see this happening. Again, interesting...because G-d said: "I will design (make) for him a helpmate.". Anyway, I watch "This is Where I Leave You," and I always wonder why Horry and Wendy COULDN'T have gotten married. Wendy could help Horry where he was exhausted, or his memory failed him...she was very good with details. Horry could help Wendy lighten up and feel better when the pressures of being an "adult" got to be too much. He could call her "Sunflower," and make her day! Where is the terrible "ill" in this?
If you listen to a pastor named Paul Washer, he will tell you that we live in a world that hates marriage, it hates women, it hates men and it hates children. I can't say I disagree...I think that pretty much sums it up. Yet the irony of many single's lives, is that most people around them are rapidly becoming...not single...all the time. To top it off, they seem to do this pretty effortlessly. That someone they wanted seems to just float into their life. Okay, so Paul Washer is right about the state of the world, meaning that marriage is probably the hardest thing on the planet...people seem to be "qualifying" for this "hardest thing on the planet" left and right...but I...don't qualify for it.
In church we talk a lot about being broken to be made better. Very purifying process. So what about children who are put through divorce? Ouch. Sorry...this is not an easy question. To the parents out there who are broken hearted because this is the situation you've been in: I am so sorry. To any adults out there who are now afraid to get married, or pessimistic about it...remember, you are making your own history now... Divorce leaves both children & adults broken and insecure...but of course children do not have any previous life experience, or the intellect in order to process what is happening to them. Children with disabilities often have different reasoning processes and level's of cognitive ability. These differences can also allow them to create different coping strategies that can be very strange to those around them...or they can cause those around them to possibly believe that they probably will not be able to "do" certain things when they reach certain ages...
Again, this is a hard thing to talk about, because emotions can run high. When a child is differently abled, and then becomes an adult who is differently abled...it often forces their parents to "become" differently abled as well in order to connect and relate. This requires a lot of time, energy and patience...more so than with a child who is simply higher functioning...and of course the amount of care, time & attention also depends severity of the disability. However the trauma of divorce often does not allow for this...to put it simply. Parents are often brokenhearted, angry, frustrated and depleted of energy, and now faced with doing a job by themselves, not only daunting for two parents, but requiring additional help & support because disability is involved. In this case, sometimes a parent's need for normalcy simply does not allow their "differently abled" child to be strange, unusual or unorthodox. The child, is often then pushed into finding their own coping strategies, and trying to appear as normal as possible to try and make it easier for mom and dad.
By the way, isn't this the exact model for marriage?? Isn't that what we do?...we commit ourselves for life to a person who is differently abled (then us), and requires much care and attention, and then we work hard to protect them...to help them...to make things as normal as possible for them, even when we need to deny our own needs, feelings and comforts?
I'm sure you've heard people say that, it always happens when you're not looking for it.". The thing is, to the literal mind, who constantly struggles with "grasping" concepts in the first place...this is almost impossible. A person with a disability knows what struggle is...when we want something, we have to struggle, often work much harder than those around us to do even little things, from learning to tie our shoes, to following a recipe, to to hooking up a DVD player...Yet, when it comes to the most important, pivotal decision ANYONE can make (next to knowing Yeshua)...it always happens when you're NOT looking for it. Okay...a couple things you need to know about folks with disabilities (maybe 3): 1. Surprises are often very difficult for us to handle. 2. We feel most things very deeply, and it's difficult for us to recover. 3. We need independence like we need air to breathe, because it can be so difficult to come by...but we also need a lot more help then we like to admit.
"Hey, doesn't everybody?" right? Of course. But here's the thing: People with disabilities cope differently. I know, I'm a broken record...but this world does not like raw emotion. It does not like sweetness, it does not like gentleness, it does not like temper tantrums because they suggest a lack of control...(unless it is for the purpose of someone's entertainment...then we encourage it), it does not like ANYTHING innocent or childlike. These things must be avoided at all costs. Anyone with these issues must "grow up"... something folks with specific disabling conditions want desperately to prove that they can do everyday anyway. Adults are just children in older bodies. We get scared, we make mistakes; we don't know what we are doing and we need wisdom. But many folks with disabilities often struggle with feeling that they must compensate for a child-like dependency that we just can't seem to overcome, mo matter what we do. Oftentimes our gentler, more childlike spirits can make it hard for us to really feel that those around us are able to take us seriously. I even mentioned to a friend recently that when I get angry, I tend to become like caricature of myself.
A youthful sounding voice and a bubbly sort of disposition sometimes makes me seem like a kid who's just making too big a deal out of little things. And speaking of little things... these are hard to keep at bay sometimes. They say it's not good to bottle things up, but, sometimes, if we don't...our level of emotion can keep us from just getting through a day normally. I call it an undercurrent. There are things that will happen to us throughout the day that can feel like little "pin pricks" inside. These are things that bother us, but we might not even be aware of it because we have to compartmentalize it somewhere else...because it simply cannot be dealt with right now. The trouble is, these things can "build up" inside...it's sort of like a hose that has kink in it. There's a little trickle of water, but when the kink is...UN-twisted...the water comes, full-force. Now you have what the world of psychology calls "impulse control.". It looks like an adult having a temper tantrum, or acting like a kid. Hory has this issue too in the movie, because he needs someone to drive him home and he's more forgetful than he'd like to be.
In my opinion, we live in a society where people are so concerned about people getting married for the wrong reasons that we have no idea what the RIGHT ones are. When a person wants to marry someone, it's because that person makes them feel good about themselves. That's it. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but it's true. Marriage is really hard...there's no question about it...this is why we better find someone who makes us feel better about ourselves! Alright, so there's my simple, to the point logic. But what happens to someone who says this in the church? They are bombarded faster than they can blink an eye. We are bombarded with reminders that G-d is our everything, and no human can fulfill us. We are bombarded with talk about sacrifice and serving the Lord. We are bombarded with thinking about what G-d's calling on our life. And (Sorry to say it) we become confused and think that maybe someday when we can just learn to get all this together and get it right...then we can finally "qualify" to be married. Thus, an awful lot of planing goes into this most important of decisions that... always happens when you're not looking for it.
So what do we do? All we are trying to do is be poised and ready for something we need to "let go of" because it always happens when we are not looking for it. Disability will often give a person a dependence on other adults that is more profound. Oftentimes, we HATE this, because we want to be "grown up" like those around us. But do we really? Getting back to the movie: All of the able-bodied characters are miserable, discontented, spoiled, never-know-when-to-shut-their-mouth brats who, always have something mean to say. These are the people who did something with their lives, while Horry never left home because he...doesn't even drive. But Horry is loyal to his core for Wendy, and though she married someone else...she is still his Sunflower. He's happy for her, never having expected her to stay with him. His tender-hearted spirit unchanged from the last time she saw him. Okay, I would MUCH rather be Horry! (Even if someone has to drive me around for the rest of my days!). This is the impresson we are SUPPOSED to get in the film. But why is it that (after all that) Horry is portrayed as the poor soul who never did anything with his life?
Why couldn't he have gotten married...had children even? I would venture to say that it's because the World's version of "normal" is the angry, discontented, argumentative, always-have-something-mean-to-say personality, that is all the other characters in the movie. My point is...it's a lie. But as long as we look at disability and impulse control (which can be managed, by the way)and extra dependence on other adults as things to always be feared and avoided...then people like Horry will always be stereo-typed as having nowhere to go and not much to do with their lives. Not true at all...at least not for many disabled folks out there. So what do we do to fill the gap? Do we just tell people in Horry's position how "wonderful" they are and how much easier it is to just stay single? What does someone do when they are over sensitive and socially akward...and they don't drive, so getting around requires extra help? What does someone do when their undying sense of loyalty to one person won't allow them to date, because nothing can disrupt the love they hold for that life-partner they want? The world says: "How will you find them if you DON'T date?"
And I'm sorry to say it, but usually the mainstream church is not much help at all...usually encouraging people to date pretty much the way the world does, while simply putting a Christian spin on it. It's either this...or we use the Apostle Paul (Rabbi Sha'ul) or Yeshua himself as examples. There is NOTHING at all wrong with this...except for one thing: Yeshua was never MARRIED! Nothing wrong with that either...but now we're back to "singleness is just easier, " and that line of reasoning.
All of this to say that we have to meet someone on their level and we have to have patience. Some sweet, sweet things can come from truly getting to know a person. Be prepared to expect the unexpected. A person might be loyal to a fault and unable to "try" different relationships because of their strong desire to be faithful to a spouse they are still waiting to meet. Someone might love you so intensely that they can't look at you. Your eyes might shoot right through them and make the earth move...but at present it seems like they hate you. Ask...seek...investigate. You never know. That stand-offish person keeping to themselves? Offer to take them for a drive; they might really need to get out. That adult on disability? If you can...give them a job. Let them work based on their willingness to try rather than a "cookie cutter" set of qualifications. They might be the hardest worker you've ever had! "For whatever you did for the least of these...you've done for me." God bless our pastors and clergyman, who do their best to walk us through the deepest waters of life...while making sure no one drowns. Their help is invaluable! Keep an open mind and a tender heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment
What are your experiences with Asperger's Syndrome?