Reasoning (Not Always Such a Good Idea)

Duh?? But I thought...

I seem to be PLAGUED with thoughts that I have to have it all figured out. I try to tell myself that nobody will ever have it all figured out...and I can let up on myself. But then my thoughts seem to get all jammed in my brain, like a computer that has too much information, and I find myself trying to figure everything all out again. I start out with all the experience I don't seem to have, and think that this MUST be a strike against me. So childlike...so seemingly unprotected. Does everyone go through that? But I have the God of this universe ruling my life...how can I be unprotected?

I don't know, but, it's as if I really want my daddy (little d), to literally hold my hand and walk me through everything in my life, keeping me safe so I don't fall...saying "Come on Sweetie, you can do it!". Does everybody want this? If I have a longing for this...am I less of an adult? Am I saying that God is not enough? I'm not trying to...but I always seem plagued with these thoughts.

To top it off, I've wanted to get married ever since I can remember...which in itself is not a BAD thing...but I constantly need to remember that no man could ever truly fulfill me. I need to let Yeshua do that. I seem plagued with this weird feeling that I'm trying to "put back" some missing piece. I don't know HOW the piece went missing to begin with, or WHY I keep needing to put it back...but so it is! Does everyone go through this? I don't know. I don't want to drive anyone crazy...but how is this possible when I drive myself crazy? They say love always happens when you're not looking for it. Well, okay, but how do I find it if I'm not looking for it? I need to let God find it for me...I've told myself SO many times. Do I not trust Him?...because I am having such a hard time with that!

So let's see, I can't stop looking for something that won't come unless I stop looking for it.
I can't stop longing for something that will never truly fulfill me anyway...so why do I keep going after it?
The longer it takes for this thing (love) to come to me, the more I wonder whether their must be something wrong with me...so I keep trying to figure it all out.
This wears me out, and I believe no one would want me (possibly) because I would drive them crazy. (Why not? I drive myself nuts).

Gee, am I being too negative? Just trying to be honest, but am I being too negative? That's a big no no. What happened to my confidence?...My belief in myself? My belief that God has just the right person for me? You'd think that this last thing...would cancel out everything else I just wrote. But unfortunately, it doesn't. Does everybody go through this? Is this normal?

No wonder I want to stick my head under the covers and not come out! If a guy does want me...how will I know about it? Will he tell me, or will he not say anything because he thinks I should already know? Will he be showing me like crazy and I just won't get it? (this would not surprise me). What happens when he finds out I've never even changed oil in a car? Anyway, if I'm supposed to be his helper, what does that make him to me? Is he my helper too? I don't know. Does everybody go through this? Is this normal?