Over and Under

Duh?? But I thought...

I have never mowed a lawn or changed the oil in a car. I HAVE sung the Mahler (college Choir) and read Shelley's "The Sensitive Plant." Anyway, Autism affects people in varying ways. Obviously, we are not all genius savants who don't speak, and we are NOT all "Rainmain". These are stereotypes we have to deal with because for most people, that's the only image of Autism or AS that they have. No. But, oftentimes, we do struggle with being extreme over achievers and under achievers at the same time. For instance, I can recite every word to "Who's on First?,"(What was I saying about Rain Man?) but sometimes I have to write down directions to my own house. (Not for someone else...for ME). The way I understand humor is always "rooting for the good guy" even if the situation is bad. When I explain things, I often use movies because I can see the "scene" in my mind and that helps me form what I want to say. Sometimes, this is just much easier than trying to "relate my own experiences" as an example. I can do this...but usually it's just easier to let the "characters" go through it while I watch. Sound a bit bizarre? Yeah...to me too... But so it is.

I sometimes wonder if this is why so many people who perform (for a living or not), tend to be autistic...not always, of course...but just look up a list of celebrities with Autism and you'll see what I mean. In my opinion, we have an enternal fear that we can't seem to get rid of. It's rooted deep, and we secretly wonder (a lot) where it actually came from. We learn somewhere along the way that things bother us that don't seem to bother others. We can seem more timid, softer...more sensitive. The flip side of the coin, is that sometimes we are very happy- go-lucky, oblivious of danger, and we are able to "push our pleasure button" and let something make us really brave and confident. (More about pushing buttons later). But let's get back to achieving. Reading lists of symptoms for women who are autistic, I found out three things:

1. Women with autism will often pretend that their life is a movie, and everyone in their life is a character.
2. Women with autism often have imaginary friends growing up. We often pretend that there is an imaginary person always with us who walks with us and helps us through things we don't understand. They often will "translate" things people might tell us that we're unfamiliar with, or don't understand.
3. Women with autism often have difficulties with carrying out everyday tasks that are often thought to be pretty simple by others.
4.

As to the first one. I learned very early that actors show emotion through being someone else, AND they get to rehearse it and play with it and see what works and what does not...Yet in order to act well there has to be a high level of control. (Okay, some of that, I learned when I was older), but the point is...this means that depending on the role, a person can be totally OUT of control...but they can do it intentionally. They can do it...and control it...and well...because it's not even them...they are being someone else! Man! If only REAL LIFE worked like this!!!! So in our minds, we pretend our life is a movie being made and everything that happens to us is for the sake of that movie. So, when we lose it...it can be (we pretend) because our "character" was supposed to do that. (Therefore, didn't we perform well?). Later on, when (I) need to give a heartfelt apology, because (my) behavior was not right, my pretending that I'm acting and controlling my performance will make this more bearable, and I may not be so afraid.

2. Okay, I personally never had IMAGINARY friends growing up. My thought process was, if I'm imagining someone, I KNOW they're not real. Why would I do that? This seemed not logical to me. So, I took this idea a step further...mind you, this whole process just seemed "built in" to me...I just did it naturally because it helped me feel safe. I would pretend that people who had passed away were guiding me through my life, helping me and instructing me where I just had difficulties connecting with people in my life. Their spirits were with me. This, for me, worked, because, these people were real. They had actually lived at one time, and their eternal spirits still existed. They had real lives, real emotions, and also real spirits. There was also a mystical, mysterious element to it all because those spirits had to go somewhere...but they were not in the physical, obviously. So they could...transcend, time, space...whatever. This to me was amazing power! I was so limited, clumsy, scared...check! I was human. But if everyone else around me was just as human and fragile as I was, that meant that they would mess up too...besides no person could be with me every second. BUT...someone who'd gone on to be with G-d? THAT was another story!

3. You know when you hook up a DVD player or a VCR...those cables in the back that need to be twisted and turned? I've often been reduced to tears trying to figure out how to loosen them. When I sew (manually), it's usually crooked, but sewing machines are a difficulty for me because I'm watching this needle go really fast praying it doesn't hit my fingers, while pushing a pedal with my foot. This brings me to driving... My depth perception is terrible. Trying to "scan ahead" and read everything while moving that quickly is really challenging for me because my eyes don't work that quickly. I can see very well...but speed and accuracy together are really difficult for me...I usually have to choose one or the other.

I often have to "re-familiarize" myself with manual things I've done a million times: turning on the washing machine as opposed to the dryer. Putting the clean dishes away (again) and the silverware too, and putting everything in the right place. Can I do this? Of course; it isn't like I've forgotten these are my dishes, or my kitchen...it's not a memory lapse. So, what is it? I'm not sure how to explain it. It's trying to do the same thing, the same way every time, and not understanding why I can't. Why doesn't that pan fit there?: This is where it's supposed to go! What's THAT funny looking thing?...I didn't even know we had that; do we have a special place for that?

I'll do the same thing when I'm taking a bus somewhere or somebody's driving someplace. It might be months before I even realize that a certain business has moved out of a building...and then I can't remember what was in there before! Range of motion is weird thing for me. I was an adult before I mastered medicine bottles(either prescription or OTC): Push down and then twist...push down and then twist...go in the direction the arrows go...well, where are the arrows? I was also an adult before I was brave enough to light matches. I was petrified of them: How could I scrape something that will burn me...with my finger?!! Even today, I won't light those tiny matches in the match books, and I don't like lighters either. A striker is my best friend in this case. When it's lit my hand isn't anywhere near a flame! Yes! This makes sense to me. But I will light kitchen matches. I learned not to be (too) afraid of those. So, I do love candles, I can put a fire in a fire place (I might keep some water close by, just because), and I learned to get comfortable with gas stoves (although, I'veI've I've never actually had to light a burner before...all I had to do was turn them on...but I was afraid to use one, period...so this is a big deal.

When I was kid, the first time I was given sparklers on the 4th of July. I think I let four of them go out before I would even hold one! My dad kept lighting them, and well...I got the hang of it...but, it freaked me out at first. So, needless to say, I've learned to thank G-d for small victories. My major task for a day might be "fitting" my fitted sheet back on the bed...but this is a big deal. So when it comes to things like marriage, or having kids, or driving a car...let's say these are all things I haven't mastered. I'm a big fan of a personal best, and have to think positive, which are both good things. But I struggle all the time with feeling really over developed AND really under developed. I often worry that when I do get married, my husband might feel more like he's raising a child rather than building a life with a wife.

But it just so happens that all the women in my family have done "double duty" as parents. I've watched them handle pretty much everything on their own...with energy that I never thought a person could have. HOW in the world?... I don't know, but when I get married will my husband feel he's just married Loretta Lynn?? OK...I really don't think so... but how do I help him when sometimes I can barely help myself? I suppose one day I 'll find out...