The Paradox

I've been single for a long time now. I don't tell people how long, because it's gotten a bit embarrassing. But it's been a long time. I'm an amazing person, but I'm seriously beginning to wonder if I have a sign on my forehead that says: "Do not date this girl.". Now, I know what an amazing woman I am...I just wish the right guy knew it. It seems like, you name it, I've done it. I've put a lot of time and effort into changing the "vibe" that I put out...because I don't want to scare guys away... but I really think it's best to just sincerely be yourself. Although, sincerely being the wonderful woman that I am has not changed my situation either.

Everything's a paradox. Whether I like it, or not, I can't rub a lamp and make this guy appear, right? None of us can. So I need to be accepting of singleness for now... Just not forever. The irony is, that singleness is not a bad thing. But I want to get married. I have also devoted a lot of time to loving singleness, and trying to be content with it. But the desire to be married rears it's head again... and I realize I need to be accepting of this desire if I'm to be truly honest with myself. Now, this is great! I love this! I get to be excited about it, I get to anticipate it! Wonderful!! The thing is...it has never happened!

The irony is that singleness is good for me because those who are disabled often feel as though theY spend a lot of time fighting for independence. A single person can have all the independence they need, which is awesome! But another irony, is that sometimes the greatest thing a disabled person can learn is the pRocess of yielding to someone else. I find that many times those with disabilities need to be able to go at their own pace and think things out on their own. Many times, they need to just be alone with their own thoughts and giving themselves permission to sort of "recover" from the demands of a neuro typical world. As it relates to AS or HFA, there is also, a great deal of effort put into socializing, and learning to make friends and function in a job and so forth. Amen! Wonderful! More power to ya! And keep doing what you're doing as long as it makes you happy!

Another irony is that for many people with AS, Autism, or some other disabling condition, or different way of thinking, their experience of singleness simply is not the "typical " experience of most. It's not what people talk about in social circles, it's not what's on TV, it's not what's in all those wonderful songs out there (unfortunately). Dating is hard, and it's scary. Relationships are difficult. For some of us, relationships are difficult to find. Very difficult. Now this truth is not limited to those with disabilities. But now factor in certain obstacles that those with certain disabilities deal with. These can be driving (or lack thereof), generalized anxiety concerning social situations, repetitive speech, whispering or mumbling to yourself, and having a more intense, childlike personality, that often is not flippant or sarcastic (we can be, but often when we are, others don't get what we mean anyway). Add to this, sensitivity to loud noises, bright lights, and too many voices all at once, and just a general worry that others think we're insane because we can't take care of ourselves (I don't wanna tell anyone my mom drove me here!) Not only that, but certain vulnerabilities can lead to others, for instance, I'm good at taking buses, but that does not mean that I will take one alone, at night! No, I don't believe this is safe.

So, before I've even started, I have this overwhelming feeling that there are not many options for me. If this is a guy that I've never met before, I'm not sure that I want him picking me up at home (yet). What if the date doesn't work out, and I need to go home early, but I don't wan't to offend him? Okay, things like this just make me wanna snuggle on my couch in my jammies with a good movie and some Blue Moon. Now, my DREAM is to be able to do that with the right guy, and just forget the whole dating thing because I'm in a committed relationship. But it seems we can't get there until we go through all this stuff that can seem so alien to us (God bless our men who put themselves through Hell for us). Anyway, yet another irony comes when we consider that those with disabilities can often need help in simple things, causing them to sometimes feel embarrassed or like a burden to others. Of course, this can be just a normal part of life, nothing to be embarrassed about, but sometimes when you're trying to feel like someone in control of your life, it can be rather awkward.

Now, singles groups are great. Online dating is great. Truth is, I've tried both, and they each were great life experiences... But I am today, still single. Call me crazy, but none of the guys who were actually accessible to me interested me. This, to me was rather interesting. Was I more interested in the chase than actually being found? Probably... But the thing is, I was the one who seemed to be doing the chasing. Don't get me wrong, guys looked at my profile... But the one's I was honestly attracted to were usually in other states! Was I in love with the idea of living as far away from home as possible? Of course...I've been fighting for my independence, remember? Wow! Things can get complicated, can't they? So, the one guy that I liked the most lived in... (drum roll please)... New Hampshire!! And he liked me too; he told me (on his own) which was HUGE to me! So, what did I do? I told him I liked him back, and then became so over excited about the whole thing that I ruined it! I mean, we were too far away from each other anyway. But who knows what MAY have happened if I would've just backed off, and let this guy just be friends with me on his own terms, which leads me to another mistake that I've made...

It is really difficult for me to just be friends with a guy that I know I have romantic feelings for because I'm really afraid of getting hurt. What if he doesn't return them? What if that really hurts me and then I start resenting him? This always scares me because I never want to respond to anyone incorrectly. Everyone has the right to make a free choice about whether they want to take that risk or not. Am I doing myself any favors by not allowing their friendships in my life? Hmmmm... Have I protected myself or denied myself? How does someone so sensative at heart learn not to be so sensitive? I'm not sure. But I've found that trying to operate out of a place of lack is really not a good idea. You wanna be proactive... without "squashing" the opportunity (for whatever...even if it's not what I was expecting). I think this is probably one of the most important keys to marriage. Learning to except someone on their level, wherever that is. Gee, I love this idea, but how can I meet someone on their level, when I'm not even sure what my own is? My goodness! Everything is a paradox! :)