Temper, Temper

I was thinking last night about my temperament. I said that I'm a sensitive soul and that this often makes me very insensitive. Since I was a teenager I've had this fear about dating people because... What if they weren't like me? But I didn't understand what "like me" meant. I knew I was different, but I didn't know why. Study of AS and High Functioning Autism has REALLY opened my eyes.

I honestly don't know now whether I'd rather date an Aspie or a neuro-typical. I've heard it said that differences in a relationship equal deficits. I do not believe this is true at all. In fact, sometimes, similarities can get us into more trouble than anything else. For example, you can have two people who are both very stubborn and always butting heads. Two people can be alcoholics, and both feeding off the others dysfunction. Two people...doing the same thing...not good. On the other hand, if one person is passive and the other is assertive, for example, the passive person can sometimes help the assertive person to quiet down and listen, while the assertive person, can help the passive person take a chance and speak up. Opposites, yes, but they can compliment each other nicely, as long as a couple see's the benefits. :)

Anyway, two Aspies together. Would that work? Obviously, there's no way to really know until a couple began getting to know each other. But I'm examining this, because As I said, I am a very sensitive soul...and this often makes me very insensitive sometimes. I suffer from a lot of anxiety, and just a general feeling of being unprotected... so do most Aspies. It could be a major problem sticking two people with anxiety issues together. In the moments that my anxiety consumes me, I need someone who can keep his cool and hold it together. Usually. Guys who suffer from anxiety only make me nervous and feel unsafe. If they do things like raise their voice and yell at me, I am unable to simply "brush it off.".. I feel unsafe, and I become emotional because my feelings are hurt. My feelings get hurt easily. I need someone who knows not to react to me with the same intensity. But just as love won't obey our expectations, often times, Asperger's Syndrome won't either. Things are uncertain, as they are for anyone in life... but add temper tantrums, emotional outbursts, general uneasiness, and fears that we are constantly trying to "restrain" just so we can interact normally with people, and you COULD have a recipe for disaster, couldn't you? Add to this as well, an Aspie's intense desire to just be alone with their own thoughts. Sometimes I think it's a wonder that I desire a relationship at all, because my desire to just be alone with my own thoughts and ideas is so intense.

The good news is that Aspie's can be just as intense about others, as they are about themselves. We crave emotional connection, actually... we just don't like doing most of the things neuro-typicals do to get it. We are nothing if not loyal, and we tend to dream intently about spending forever with someone. We have a lot of insight into issues concerning fairness, justice and the well being of others, and security and safety are very important. But the very emotions that can make us so awesome can also be our downfall. Sometimes, it seems to me that a neuro typical might be able to fill in the gaps where I could not... But I remember being in relationships with neuro typicals. I remember really feeling that there was something wrong with me because he was very level headed and in control, and I was extremely sensitive and always seeming to come unglued. It just so happened that he was both a math and computer genius, two of my worst areas, which is not a bad thing... but I was scared to death that secretly, he believed that I was not smart enough for him. Maybe I believed that I was not smart enough for him. Come to think of it, that's possible. Wow. Of course, my situation was complicated because I had no idea what AS even was (a lot of people go undiagnosed, don't they?). Why did I always think I had to be doing pretty much the same thing he was doing? Why was I so intensely jealous when things didn't work out this way? Do Aspie's struggle with jealousy in general? I just know I always have. I just can't stand knowing that I missed anything...and then I get upset because people are not doing what I want to do and I think it's a waste of my time.

Anyway...talk about needing to take things over! There's an intense need for control coupled with intense guilt because I know this is not fair to others. I try to do the same things others are doing, and then feel weird because my interests are different, and I don't seem to be "attached" to what they are doing. Couple this with the fact that men need to be allowed to be men...meaning they will not relate to us girls the way that other women do. I mean, if I really need some understanding and "empathy" as an Aspie, perhaps what I need is a "girl" ...friend, rather than a relationship with a guy. I mean, if he's trying to protect me, he probably won't say something like "Doncha' hate that??... Yeah, I go through that too!". He could... Yes. But guys generally don't do that right? Good grief!! What exactly do I want? I don't think I know... :)