Duh?? But I thought... I worry all the time about the way that I affect people, with what I do and say. It's just a fact. I also kick myself a lot for worrying too much. At my core, I would not dream of hurting someone or inconveniencing them. I want to make sure that everything that can be thought of, IS thought of. As a result, I over-correct a lot, and apologize too much. Sometimes I ask questions when (believe it or not, I don't need to) because there's no problem. Sometimes, in trying to make sure that everything is out in the open, I say too much. I'm only trying to do the right thing, but end up making too big a deal out of things, and sometimes make people uncomfortable. I can usually tell when I've crossed a line someplace, and then I agonize over that. Sometimes mistakes seem to get imprinted in my head for years after they've happened.
Even as a kid, I could tell, and so could others... that I was particularly sensitive. I really think that sometimes Aspies get tired of driving themselves crazy...but they don't know how to stop! :). As a result, I am equally afraid that I will drive others crazy that way. We tend to create what we fear right? To someone with an Aspie personality...this can be (not) a comforting thought. I remember clearly a video that shows what it feels like on a daily basis to have Asperger's syndrome. What I remember most was the constant dialogue in the gir's head. She was in a restaurant, and worried about... what to order, whether anyone else would order the same thing, whether they would leave the restaurant on time...all kinds of things that typically, you'd try to tell someone not to worry about, right? I know the feeling!
Now, in my head...I am a diva...with attitude. Knowing what I want, having something to say, I like to strike a pose when I enter a room and in the way I sit, and having many interesting words on my tongue. Hey, ladies if you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? But the truth is that someone can make one pretty insignificant comment to me, and I will worry till the end of time about WHY they said that? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? If I did, would they tell me? Now anyone who's uneasy will probably make someone else uneasy too, right? But I've also found that if it's difficult for me to forgive myself, it can be difficult for me to forgive others too, especially, if I am suspicious of them, or if I have a continuing dread that something could go wrong (which I often do). This makes me irritable. This makes me nervous. Sometimes I snap at people or get an attitude with them (yikes!)
Now, who wants to apologize for...who they are? Not me! :). But sometimes I feel like I should! Wow! But there's anther reason that this continuous stream of worry is "worrisome" to me. I want to be in a relationship with that special person someday (soon, I hope) :). But I tend to get too excited about things too quickly. I become obsessed with the possibility of meeting this person, and I want to make everything just perfect so that this can happen. The thing is, I'm supposed to be happy that I don't have to do a thing. This is the hardest thing in the WORLD for me to accept! Maybe I should not say that...but it's true. I don't know how to operate out of nothing. (It always happens when you're not looking for it. Back off so that he can come to you...that sorta thing.). I'm told that I'm supposed to be just soooo into myself that I'm not even lookin' for a guy, and they will find me. Well, I'm not that into myself...probably because I'm always worried about being TOO into myself, and then nobody likes me! :). But this does not mean that I don't think I'm a great person! :)
(Later)
I realized something as I was writing the above: Do I just not want to do anything about these things because then I can keep going on and on about them...and then I feel really important somehow? Yikes! May be that's why I seem to push things away, even though it may not look like that's what's going on.
Anyway, I'm not sure if any guy would want the job of giving me that much reassurance all the time. I mean, I know myself very well, but I tend to worry too much, as I said. I need to be reassured A LOT that everything's okay. What's worse is, I tend to need a lot of patience from others...that I don't often give back. Not purposely...there's no grudge or anything, but that's what happens when you have a one track mind, or you think you'll only have enough energy for what you want to do. Obviously, all of this needs work :). Patience doesn't tend to be a strong quality with me. I think it all depends on the situation. I just know that I apologize a lot for snapping and being irritable, and I'm always afraid that this is a strike against me, when it comes to relationships, romantic or otherwise. What would you do?
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Yes, I Sleep with Stuffed Animals; What's it to ya?"
Duh?? But I thought...
I have a stuffed dog that I put next to me on the bed at night. Now, if we had a real dog, OF COURSE, he would be right there on the bed...next to my stuffed one. Anyway, I just make a joke about how "well behaved" my stuffed dog is, and leave it at that. My stuffed dog's name is Cooper, and he has a red bandanna around his neck. If he lands on the floor during the night, I pick him up and pat his head. It's like I'm apologizing, just in case he got hurt. Is this necessary? Of course not. It just makes me feel like I have a friend. Cooper reminds me of my friend who gave him to me. I like thinking of Joanie... how artistic and amazing she is. Oh yes, and the fleece material he's made of feels amazing against my face... Like a Teri-cloth bath robe but much softer! I like it very much. Do I sound like a child with a favorite toy? Good. That's what I was going for.
I have a quote on my Facebook page that says:
"I tried being an adult; I didn't do so well at it."
The quote is mine, I didn't borrow it from anywhere...and I hope that it is not nearly as immature as it sounds.
I think this is a battle that Autistic adults face quite often. That is, balancing the child-likeness of their heart, with an intellect often more grown up than many people twice their age, and a mind that often does not allow them to rest because some huge idea is causing overload, like too big a file on a hard drive. I may appear child-like... but this "child" has a college degree and has traveled outside the country. Perhaps this does not sound like much to some, but considering that sometimes I have to psych myself up just to leave my house...it's a big deal.
I think this can be a hard thing to talk about, period, because the assumption can be that someone thinks of us as weak, or unable to take care of ourselves. Please know that this is NOT my intention in writing this. For guys, this can be a different issue altogether, whether autistic or not. I once heard the female autistic personality described as a "blank slate.". I know not whether autistic males have this same issue, but I personally was rather annoyed with that description. Whatever we may emulate to "build" our personalities, we still have our own distinct personalities... whether we are children or adults.
The really odd thing is that as a child, I got along much better with adults, liked adult conversation, and was interested in adult things. At eight years old, I was interested in (drum roll please)... Greta Garbo and Buddy Holly. One, an actress from the early days of motion picture and the other, one of the pioneers of rock and roll.(He died way too young. He was twenty two. February 3d, 1963, Clear Lake Iowa...plane crash.). I guarantee you, nobody else in the third grade knew anything about that! Even if they did... why would they care? This can be the hard part, right? The "who would care" part.
So, let's see... anxiety, a fondness for childlike things, and an inclination to go on and on about... Myself! Yep...all autistic traits! Now I think I should say that I have never been diagnosed by a doctor as having Autism. I'm only self-diagnosed...I'm reading that MANY are self-diagnosed. Growing up, neither I nor my family knew anything about Autism, certainly not that it could be "high functioning.". In my particular case, I have a separate disability, and any quirks or idiosyncrasies I had were attributed to that.
However, in any case, how does a person balance a childlike heart with... the need to be an adult. Well, if I could write a manual, I would. (Hey, there could be book there!). But I'll just say it: You have to have courage. Nobody wants to stick out like a sore thumb...I get that. So I look at it this way: Be a breath of fresh air to someone else, and ware that like a "badge" of courage. Your different interests, colorful way with words, or obsession with something they've never seen before can be just the inspiration they need! This may seem over simplified, and perhaps it is... it's just a "shift" in thinking that I try to use when something negative has happened to me.
I figure if I can set my own pace, and someone is intrigued by me, they can slow down a while and we can talk. (I'll try to remember to give them a turn). (LOL). I believe that it also helps a great deal to be forgiving and patient with those who do not understand us. This might also seem like it is overly simplistic, but in my view, this can help us take a lot of pressure off. It saves a lot of angst and stress for us being misunderstood and helps the one misunderstanding us to know that we are more "down to earth" than they thought. Awesome!
For a long time, the only image we seemed to have of Autism was Rain Man. This is an image that I think has really been changing in recent years. But I think a much better example of what it can FEEL like to be autistic is Raymond's (Rain Man's) brother, rather than Ray himself. All Ray needs to feel okay, is to recite "Who's on First" over and over. This helps him get his energy out...simple. His brother (who's name I don't remember), however, needs a perfect image to be okay. Any " cracks" in this perfect image are unacceptable. A babbling, disabled brother who needs his help certainly is not something that makes him look perfect. As a result, Ray is treated cruelly and insulted and not given the same kind of attention that the NT individuals around him received. We've all been there, right?
But my point is that sometimes we can truly try to "prove" (as Autistics") that we can behave the same way as nuero-typicals, with the hope of bringing about different treatment from others, when the reality of it is that WE have the upper hand. Why do we have the upper hand? Because we are the "breath of fresh air.". We are (or can be) the difference in someone's thinking. We can be an epiphany that someone has never had before... That wonderful moment when someone has the "same" conversation they've had a million times, but they realize they've never heard that word or phrase, for example.
Today, at 35, one of the things I brag about is that I'm reading the story of Opal Whiteley. She was said to supposedly have autism, and between the ages of four and seven, she kept a journal using scraps of paper, crayons, the ability to speak more than one language, and an advanced vocabulary not familiar to most adults. Her favorite things to do were to talk to the farm animals and take nature walks. It's kinda sorta like a "Charlotte's Web," when you consider that the animals all had identities. But Opal was a real person. She even had pet pig. Grown up story? No, because Opal liked her own world better than the one around her. Typical? Nope. Interesting? Depends on who's reading it, and to this "adult," it absolutely is!!
So to every autistic adult who has ever worn themselves out trying to "keep up" with a world they don't seem to fit into... this is probably why we have the ability to disappear into worlds of our own. So, when you have a Star Wars marathon, put up a tent (in your bedroom), play with light sabers, buy animal crackers, chase bubbles, splash in rain puddles, watch cartoons for hours, hug Teddy bears, talk in foreign accents, spend too much money on a Halloween costume, or have many costumes that are NOT Halloween costumes; Congratulations to you. You are an amazing adult "child.". You have braved the neuro-typical world and behaved your way through it. Now... be yourself, to the best of your ability. I wouldn't worry about those who might have a problem with it, because you will be somebody else's "breath of fresh air."
PS... "Who's on First"!!! If you've never listened to it...please do so... and. LAUGH...LOUDLY!! :)
I have a stuffed dog that I put next to me on the bed at night. Now, if we had a real dog, OF COURSE, he would be right there on the bed...next to my stuffed one. Anyway, I just make a joke about how "well behaved" my stuffed dog is, and leave it at that. My stuffed dog's name is Cooper, and he has a red bandanna around his neck. If he lands on the floor during the night, I pick him up and pat his head. It's like I'm apologizing, just in case he got hurt. Is this necessary? Of course not. It just makes me feel like I have a friend. Cooper reminds me of my friend who gave him to me. I like thinking of Joanie... how artistic and amazing she is. Oh yes, and the fleece material he's made of feels amazing against my face... Like a Teri-cloth bath robe but much softer! I like it very much. Do I sound like a child with a favorite toy? Good. That's what I was going for.
I have a quote on my Facebook page that says:
"I tried being an adult; I didn't do so well at it."
The quote is mine, I didn't borrow it from anywhere...and I hope that it is not nearly as immature as it sounds.
I think this is a battle that Autistic adults face quite often. That is, balancing the child-likeness of their heart, with an intellect often more grown up than many people twice their age, and a mind that often does not allow them to rest because some huge idea is causing overload, like too big a file on a hard drive. I may appear child-like... but this "child" has a college degree and has traveled outside the country. Perhaps this does not sound like much to some, but considering that sometimes I have to psych myself up just to leave my house...it's a big deal.
I think this can be a hard thing to talk about, period, because the assumption can be that someone thinks of us as weak, or unable to take care of ourselves. Please know that this is NOT my intention in writing this. For guys, this can be a different issue altogether, whether autistic or not. I once heard the female autistic personality described as a "blank slate.". I know not whether autistic males have this same issue, but I personally was rather annoyed with that description. Whatever we may emulate to "build" our personalities, we still have our own distinct personalities... whether we are children or adults.
The really odd thing is that as a child, I got along much better with adults, liked adult conversation, and was interested in adult things. At eight years old, I was interested in (drum roll please)... Greta Garbo and Buddy Holly. One, an actress from the early days of motion picture and the other, one of the pioneers of rock and roll.(He died way too young. He was twenty two. February 3d, 1963, Clear Lake Iowa...plane crash.). I guarantee you, nobody else in the third grade knew anything about that! Even if they did... why would they care? This can be the hard part, right? The "who would care" part.
So, let's see... anxiety, a fondness for childlike things, and an inclination to go on and on about... Myself! Yep...all autistic traits! Now I think I should say that I have never been diagnosed by a doctor as having Autism. I'm only self-diagnosed...I'm reading that MANY are self-diagnosed. Growing up, neither I nor my family knew anything about Autism, certainly not that it could be "high functioning.". In my particular case, I have a separate disability, and any quirks or idiosyncrasies I had were attributed to that.
However, in any case, how does a person balance a childlike heart with... the need to be an adult. Well, if I could write a manual, I would. (Hey, there could be book there!). But I'll just say it: You have to have courage. Nobody wants to stick out like a sore thumb...I get that. So I look at it this way: Be a breath of fresh air to someone else, and ware that like a "badge" of courage. Your different interests, colorful way with words, or obsession with something they've never seen before can be just the inspiration they need! This may seem over simplified, and perhaps it is... it's just a "shift" in thinking that I try to use when something negative has happened to me.
I figure if I can set my own pace, and someone is intrigued by me, they can slow down a while and we can talk. (I'll try to remember to give them a turn). (LOL). I believe that it also helps a great deal to be forgiving and patient with those who do not understand us. This might also seem like it is overly simplistic, but in my view, this can help us take a lot of pressure off. It saves a lot of angst and stress for us being misunderstood and helps the one misunderstanding us to know that we are more "down to earth" than they thought. Awesome!
For a long time, the only image we seemed to have of Autism was Rain Man. This is an image that I think has really been changing in recent years. But I think a much better example of what it can FEEL like to be autistic is Raymond's (Rain Man's) brother, rather than Ray himself. All Ray needs to feel okay, is to recite "Who's on First" over and over. This helps him get his energy out...simple. His brother (who's name I don't remember), however, needs a perfect image to be okay. Any " cracks" in this perfect image are unacceptable. A babbling, disabled brother who needs his help certainly is not something that makes him look perfect. As a result, Ray is treated cruelly and insulted and not given the same kind of attention that the NT individuals around him received. We've all been there, right?
But my point is that sometimes we can truly try to "prove" (as Autistics") that we can behave the same way as nuero-typicals, with the hope of bringing about different treatment from others, when the reality of it is that WE have the upper hand. Why do we have the upper hand? Because we are the "breath of fresh air.". We are (or can be) the difference in someone's thinking. We can be an epiphany that someone has never had before... That wonderful moment when someone has the "same" conversation they've had a million times, but they realize they've never heard that word or phrase, for example.
Today, at 35, one of the things I brag about is that I'm reading the story of Opal Whiteley. She was said to supposedly have autism, and between the ages of four and seven, she kept a journal using scraps of paper, crayons, the ability to speak more than one language, and an advanced vocabulary not familiar to most adults. Her favorite things to do were to talk to the farm animals and take nature walks. It's kinda sorta like a "Charlotte's Web," when you consider that the animals all had identities. But Opal was a real person. She even had pet pig. Grown up story? No, because Opal liked her own world better than the one around her. Typical? Nope. Interesting? Depends on who's reading it, and to this "adult," it absolutely is!!
So to every autistic adult who has ever worn themselves out trying to "keep up" with a world they don't seem to fit into... this is probably why we have the ability to disappear into worlds of our own. So, when you have a Star Wars marathon, put up a tent (in your bedroom), play with light sabers, buy animal crackers, chase bubbles, splash in rain puddles, watch cartoons for hours, hug Teddy bears, talk in foreign accents, spend too much money on a Halloween costume, or have many costumes that are NOT Halloween costumes; Congratulations to you. You are an amazing adult "child.". You have braved the neuro-typical world and behaved your way through it. Now... be yourself, to the best of your ability. I wouldn't worry about those who might have a problem with it, because you will be somebody else's "breath of fresh air."
PS... "Who's on First"!!! If you've never listened to it...please do so... and. LAUGH...LOUDLY!! :)
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
For all Intense Purposes...
Duh?? But I thought... I just read a blog entry from someone who stated that they have lost contact with a lot of his friends over the years. This struck a chord with me, because I've always seemed to have good friend's in my life for certain periods of time... but there always seems to be cut off point. I'm not sure why this is. I always would wonder why I did that ( or why certain people just seemed not to be in my life anymore.
Others around me seemed to keep regular, consistent contact with the same people...over periods of years. So have I in some cases, but there always seemed to be (as I said) a point where we would disappear from each other's lives. There would seem to be a certain internal pressure that I would feel, and I would think it necessary to "get away" and re-discover myself. Hmmm.. odd for someone so loyal. Ask my family or anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I am a very loyal person. I would walk through fire for anyone that I think well of. I may not SEE that person for ten years (literally) but I will always walk through fire for them, and remember what we spoke about ten years before, when I had seen them, and it can be at times like walking into the same conversation again.
That's another unusual "quirk" of mine: reappearances in people's lives. All of the sudden, I'm back, and those "close" to me are going: "Where have you BEEN??". Example: I went to the same church from age 18 till my early thirties. But I took a "hiatus" more than once while attending there. The longest one was 2 years (yikes!) so did I really go to the same church consistently? Anyway, one of those transitions was two years long. At the time, nothing bitter had happened with anyone, but even so, I just seemed to disappear. I really do think I got bored. So I changed... I transitioned, holding everybody I knew there close to me...but the thing is, how did they know that? I was. INTO other things, and seemed to "abandon" everything prior to that. I've wondered at times how many feelings I've hurt by disappearing from someone's life. I then would feel terrible for possibly upsetting people, and end up "keeping my distance" because of embarrassment.
It's just that I sometimes feel as though my life becomes too enmeshed in the lives of others. I tend to "emulate" what I see in others because I'm unsure what to do in the first place (about certain situations). Sometimes I end up forming unhealthy attachments or obsessions with one person, or a group of people. I keep these very guarded and work diligently to make sure they are kept under control. I never want to creep anyone out because I know that's not what I would want. The strange thing is that when I form such an attachment to anyone, it's because I'm beaming with pride, or joy or love because I think that person is very smart, or creative, or insightful about something. Maybe, I adore the way they dress or ware their hair. It could be any number of things. But who wants to feel like someone is driving them crazy? Who wants to feel like someone just can't back off... how awful! Anyway, I go through periods where I feel as though I need to sorta save people from myself. Sometimes I don't know how to "turn around" an attachment I've formed, and I'm afraid of it only becoming worse.
Sometimes my own feelings of endearment to a person seem to drown me. They are just too heavy... too intense. It might sound crazy, but sometimes I need to get away from others just to keep my mind clear and stay in one piece. It can be hard for me to separate opportunities given in the present with opportunities lost in the past, move the emotions outta the way and keep contact with certain people. Sometimes the ongoing contact (however appropriate it might seem), is like pouring salt into a wound (ouch!) and I need to step back. I've often worried about how my "need" for separation will affect the relationship with the one true love of my life (whom I've not yet met). Endearment, loyalty, a strong connection to each other...I have no doubt that we will have all of these things. But what happens when one or both of us needs to step back? What happens when something really painful enters our life, and there is that intense feeling that I liken to being "hit by a truck" for awhile followed by an equally intense need to start over again with something new and different. NOT with a new person!... no way! Of course not. My intense loyalty is here to stay, but sometimes people make stupid mistakes...especially when they are not thinking clearly. Know what I mean? Goodness...what a conundrum! I just hope I'm always smart enough to know what to hold onto.
Others around me seemed to keep regular, consistent contact with the same people...over periods of years. So have I in some cases, but there always seemed to be (as I said) a point where we would disappear from each other's lives. There would seem to be a certain internal pressure that I would feel, and I would think it necessary to "get away" and re-discover myself. Hmmm.. odd for someone so loyal. Ask my family or anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I am a very loyal person. I would walk through fire for anyone that I think well of. I may not SEE that person for ten years (literally) but I will always walk through fire for them, and remember what we spoke about ten years before, when I had seen them, and it can be at times like walking into the same conversation again.
That's another unusual "quirk" of mine: reappearances in people's lives. All of the sudden, I'm back, and those "close" to me are going: "Where have you BEEN??". Example: I went to the same church from age 18 till my early thirties. But I took a "hiatus" more than once while attending there. The longest one was 2 years (yikes!) so did I really go to the same church consistently? Anyway, one of those transitions was two years long. At the time, nothing bitter had happened with anyone, but even so, I just seemed to disappear. I really do think I got bored. So I changed... I transitioned, holding everybody I knew there close to me...but the thing is, how did they know that? I was. INTO other things, and seemed to "abandon" everything prior to that. I've wondered at times how many feelings I've hurt by disappearing from someone's life. I then would feel terrible for possibly upsetting people, and end up "keeping my distance" because of embarrassment.
It's just that I sometimes feel as though my life becomes too enmeshed in the lives of others. I tend to "emulate" what I see in others because I'm unsure what to do in the first place (about certain situations). Sometimes I end up forming unhealthy attachments or obsessions with one person, or a group of people. I keep these very guarded and work diligently to make sure they are kept under control. I never want to creep anyone out because I know that's not what I would want. The strange thing is that when I form such an attachment to anyone, it's because I'm beaming with pride, or joy or love because I think that person is very smart, or creative, or insightful about something. Maybe, I adore the way they dress or ware their hair. It could be any number of things. But who wants to feel like someone is driving them crazy? Who wants to feel like someone just can't back off... how awful! Anyway, I go through periods where I feel as though I need to sorta save people from myself. Sometimes I don't know how to "turn around" an attachment I've formed, and I'm afraid of it only becoming worse.
Sometimes my own feelings of endearment to a person seem to drown me. They are just too heavy... too intense. It might sound crazy, but sometimes I need to get away from others just to keep my mind clear and stay in one piece. It can be hard for me to separate opportunities given in the present with opportunities lost in the past, move the emotions outta the way and keep contact with certain people. Sometimes the ongoing contact (however appropriate it might seem), is like pouring salt into a wound (ouch!) and I need to step back. I've often worried about how my "need" for separation will affect the relationship with the one true love of my life (whom I've not yet met). Endearment, loyalty, a strong connection to each other...I have no doubt that we will have all of these things. But what happens when one or both of us needs to step back? What happens when something really painful enters our life, and there is that intense feeling that I liken to being "hit by a truck" for awhile followed by an equally intense need to start over again with something new and different. NOT with a new person!... no way! Of course not. My intense loyalty is here to stay, but sometimes people make stupid mistakes...especially when they are not thinking clearly. Know what I mean? Goodness...what a conundrum! I just hope I'm always smart enough to know what to hold onto.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)