It's Over Now, Just Move On...

Duh?? But I thought... I worry all the time about the way that I affect people, with what I do and say. It's just a fact. I also kick myself a lot for worrying too much. At my core, I would not dream of hurting someone or inconveniencing them. I want to make sure that everything that can be thought of, IS thought of. As a result, I over-correct a lot, and apologize too much. Sometimes I ask questions when (believe it or not, I don't need to) because there's no problem. Sometimes, in trying to make sure that everything is out in the open, I say too much. I'm only trying to do the right thing, but end up making too big a deal out of things, and sometimes make people uncomfortable. I can usually tell when I've crossed a line someplace, and then I agonize over that. Sometimes mistakes seem to get imprinted in my head for years after they've happened.

Even as a kid, I could tell, and so could others... that I was particularly sensitive. I really think that sometimes Aspies get tired of driving themselves crazy...but they don't know how to stop! :). As a result, I am equally afraid that I will drive others crazy that way. We tend to create what we fear right? To someone with an Aspie personality...this can be (not) a comforting thought. I remember clearly a video that shows what it feels like on a daily basis to have Asperger's syndrome. What I remember most was the constant dialogue in the gir's head. She was in a restaurant, and worried about... what to order, whether anyone else would order the same thing, whether they would leave the restaurant on time...all kinds of things that typically, you'd try to tell someone not to worry about, right? I know the feeling!

Now, in my head...I am a diva...with attitude. Knowing what I want, having something to say, I like to strike a pose when I enter a room and in the way I sit, and having many interesting words on my tongue. Hey, ladies if you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? But the truth is that someone can make one pretty insignificant comment to me, and I will worry till the end of time about WHY they said that? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? If I did, would they tell me? Now anyone who's uneasy will probably make someone else uneasy too, right? But I've also found that if it's difficult for me to forgive myself, it can be difficult for me to forgive others too, especially, if I am suspicious of them, or if I have a continuing dread that something could go wrong (which I often do). This makes me irritable. This makes me nervous. Sometimes I snap at people or get an attitude with them (yikes!)

Now, who wants to apologize for...who they are? Not me! :). But sometimes I feel like I should! Wow! But there's anther reason that this continuous stream of worry is "worrisome" to me. I want to be in a relationship with that special person someday (soon, I hope) :). But I tend to get too excited about things too quickly. I become obsessed with the possibility of meeting this person, and I want to make everything just perfect so that this can happen. The thing is, I'm supposed to be happy that I don't have to do a thing. This is the hardest thing in the WORLD for me to accept! Maybe I should not say that...but it's true. I don't know how to operate out of nothing. (It always happens when you're not looking for it. Back off so that he can come to you...that sorta thing.). I'm told that I'm supposed to be just soooo into myself that I'm not even lookin' for a guy, and they will find me. Well, I'm not that into myself...probably because I'm always worried about being TOO into myself, and then nobody likes me! :). But this does not mean that I don't think I'm a great person! :)

(Later)

I realized something as I was writing the above: Do I just not want to do anything about these things because then I can keep going on and on about them...and then I feel really important somehow? Yikes! May be that's why I seem to push things away, even though it may not look like that's what's going on.

Anyway, I'm not sure if any guy would want the job of giving me that much reassurance all the time. I mean, I know myself very well, but I tend to worry too much, as I said. I need to be reassured A LOT that everything's okay. What's worse is, I tend to need a lot of patience from others...that I don't often give back. Not purposely...there's no grudge or anything, but that's what happens when you have a one track mind, or you think you'll only have enough energy for what you want to do. Obviously, all of this needs work :). Patience doesn't tend to be a strong quality with me. I think it all depends on the situation. I just know that I apologize a lot for snapping and being irritable, and I'm always afraid that this is a strike against me, when it comes to relationships, romantic or otherwise. What would you do?