Duh?? But I thought... I just read a blog entry from someone who stated that they have lost contact with a lot of his friends over the years. This struck a chord with me, because I've always seemed to have good friend's in my life for certain periods of time... but there always seems to be cut off point. I'm not sure why this is. I always would wonder why I did that ( or why certain people just seemed not to be in my life anymore.
Others around me seemed to keep regular, consistent contact with the same people...over periods of years. So have I in some cases, but there always seemed to be (as I said) a point where we would disappear from each other's lives. There would seem to be a certain internal pressure that I would feel, and I would think it necessary to "get away" and re-discover myself. Hmmm.. odd for someone so loyal. Ask my family or anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I am a very loyal person. I would walk through fire for anyone that I think well of. I may not SEE that person for ten years (literally) but I will always walk through fire for them, and remember what we spoke about ten years before, when I had seen them, and it can be at times like walking into the same conversation again.
That's another unusual "quirk" of mine: reappearances in people's lives. All of the sudden, I'm back, and those "close" to me are going: "Where have you BEEN??". Example: I went to the same church from age 18 till my early thirties. But I took a "hiatus" more than once while attending there. The longest one was 2 years (yikes!) so did I really go to the same church consistently? Anyway, one of those transitions was two years long. At the time, nothing bitter had happened with anyone, but even so, I just seemed to disappear. I really do think I got bored. So I changed... I transitioned, holding everybody I knew there close to me...but the thing is, how did they know that? I was. INTO other things, and seemed to "abandon" everything prior to that. I've wondered at times how many feelings I've hurt by disappearing from someone's life. I then would feel terrible for possibly upsetting people, and end up "keeping my distance" because of embarrassment.
It's just that I sometimes feel as though my life becomes too enmeshed in the lives of others. I tend to "emulate" what I see in others because I'm unsure what to do in the first place (about certain situations). Sometimes I end up forming unhealthy attachments or obsessions with one person, or a group of people. I keep these very guarded and work diligently to make sure they are kept under control. I never want to creep anyone out because I know that's not what I would want. The strange thing is that when I form such an attachment to anyone, it's because I'm beaming with pride, or joy or love because I think that person is very smart, or creative, or insightful about something. Maybe, I adore the way they dress or ware their hair. It could be any number of things. But who wants to feel like someone is driving them crazy? Who wants to feel like someone just can't back off... how awful! Anyway, I go through periods where I feel as though I need to sorta save people from myself. Sometimes I don't know how to "turn around" an attachment I've formed, and I'm afraid of it only becoming worse.
Sometimes my own feelings of endearment to a person seem to drown me. They are just too heavy... too intense. It might sound crazy, but sometimes I need to get away from others just to keep my mind clear and stay in one piece. It can be hard for me to separate opportunities given in the present with opportunities lost in the past, move the emotions outta the way and keep contact with certain people. Sometimes the ongoing contact (however appropriate it might seem), is like pouring salt into a wound (ouch!) and I need to step back. I've often worried about how my "need" for separation will affect the relationship with the one true love of my life (whom I've not yet met). Endearment, loyalty, a strong connection to each other...I have no doubt that we will have all of these things. But what happens when one or both of us needs to step back? What happens when something really painful enters our life, and there is that intense feeling that I liken to being "hit by a truck" for awhile followed by an equally intense need to start over again with something new and different. NOT with a new person!... no way! Of course not. My intense loyalty is here to stay, but sometimes people make stupid mistakes...especially when they are not thinking clearly. Know what I mean? Goodness...what a conundrum! I just hope I'm always smart enough to know what to hold onto.
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What are your experiences with Asperger's Syndrome?