The Conundrum...

Duh?? But I thought...

I have no way to get from point A to point B. This drives me crazy... Literally. I don't drive. I HATE THAT I DON't drive, it makes me nuts! I just don't know that I should be. Driving scares me to death. Plain and simple. I don't feel that it's normal that driving scares me to death... but it does. It's like my brain doesn't work that fast.

I remember, it was a big deal, way back when I was 12 years old, and I learned to walk to and from school by myself. I remember I was scared to do that too, but I dealt with it. The first time I did it, I became disoriented, and had to turn around and go home. I got to my front door and I was crying because I was embarrass that I couldn't make it all the way there. My mother met me at the door.

"It's okay, honey, I'll drive you. Don't worry you,ll get it!"

Yes, she drove me that morning, and needless to say, I learned my way there and back. In high school, I began learning how to use the bus system where I live, and took the bus everyday to school and back. As I got older, I learned how to take the bus other places, but still felt somehow like my independence was not enough. I would feel so ridiculous because I had friend's who would talk about being able to try and drive when they were twelve...

TWELVE?? This was out of the question for me, someone who was afraid to walk anywhere by herself at that age. In the south, where I have family, it's the norm to start teaching kids to drive at 12 and 13. (they have the backroads to do it. Nod course, we do too where I live in CA; but there was always some excuse as to why it could not be done... and that excuse was insurance, and of course, the cops. Mom said that her insurance would not cover me to drive her car, and besides if a cop pulled us over... what then? As someone in my 30,s now, it makes perfect sense, but back then, all I knew was that most of my friend's were able to learn to drive. I don't know if THEY were on their parents insurance, or what, and then when the time came, someone bought them a car (usually). I did not have this luxury, so I felt stuck.

All through High school I was so frustrated with myself, because I was so petrified of driving. Why? Why was I so afraid to what just seemed to come normally to everyone else around me... even people I knew who had more severe disabilities than I did. I had friend's in wheelchairs who drove. In college, my ASL teacher drove... she was deaf! (ASL means American Sign Language, BTW).
Now, once I was in high school, (I'm going backwards again). I took both drives Ed and behind the wheel driver training (when I was able to get the money somewhere. It was so exciting because I was proud of myself that I got in the car and tried... and SUCCEEDED, BTW.

But I just could not shake the fear and anxiety. I was constantly scared of being hit by another car, or hitting another car. I was scared of hitting and killing a pedestrian. The whole thing just seemed to precarious to me. Too many loud noises, and quick decisions. And, I also encountered an unexpected problem: I could not keep the car in the right place on the road. I would stare at things too long, and start veering and drifting, but the scary thing was that I would not realize I did this, until my instructor would reach over and turn the wheel back in his direction.

"Can you not see that you're doing that?". He would ask. I really couldn't. Until it was almost too late. This freaked me out. Why was that happening to me?? If I was on a main road, at least, I could follow the lane I was supposed to be in...but would still drift over. If I were on a residential street...forget it! There were no lines or marks on the road to tell me where the car should go, and I found myself unable to visualize IF a car is coming from the other way... IF I'm turning, am I turning into the correct lane? Nope, usually, I was turning right in the path of where the car coming the opposite direction should be.

All this, and I had to read street signs, watch for things and people darting into the road...all split second decisions! It was like my brain, literally could not keep up. What a mess. According to most driver training instructors, I should have been ready within about 3 days to go and get my license. All I could think was, "That's a laugh...it takes everything I have just to get in the car and try!"

I even found a driving instructor who specialized in working with disabled adults! This experience had it's positive highlights, but most of the time he just got upset at me because he thought I wasn't listening to him. It's not that I was not listening to him. I don't think I could really process what he was saying because I was always a couple instructions behind what he was saying. There were times that I really didn't do so bad, but part of me would just feel exhausted. I felt like the hour in the car with the instructor was about all I could handle. Besides, what would I do when the instructor was not there anymore?

Okay, I deliberately waited till the end to mention my disabilitie(s). At birth, I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, which turned out to be mild. The truth is that for most of my life, I haven't even known anything about Autism. I only started learning about that last year. The more I researched it, the more I saw that my symptoms matched up what I was reading. This was the first time I realized that Autism can be extremely distracting! Bright lights, loud noises sudden changes... stupid people who don't look or signal! :). And on top of that...hearing things around me, but not always being sure which direction they are coming from. The irony is, I can hear quite well, I have a very musical ear... but when there are a lot of other noises around me... my perception is off.

Not only that, I have trouble telling others how to get from point A to point B because it's like I can't construct it in my mind. I understand landmarks and main streets and where to get off the bus. I'm not the right person to take a trip through "backroads" with. No I DO NOT know whether we can get (there) from (here). I don't even know if I can get (there) from (here) the normal way., because MY normal way is not driving. Today, I'm in my mid thirties, and still do not drive. I actually feel safer that I don't...I think it's just better that way (for me, and probably everybody everyone else on the road) :). But I'm also a single woman, as in not-married-to-an-empathetic-husband-who-understands-that- I-probably-should -not-be-driving.

Now, I think I should add that I have a lot to be proud of, because I've lived away from home, once with a room ate who also didn't drive, and once on my own. I took the bus everywhere and had a community of friend's who knew that I don't drive, and they would help out (if it were night time or something). A dear friend of mine once said to me that I should not forget that all of this is independence too. I agree with her, but I still dread thinking that others will think I'm "less than" because I do not drive. I would imagine, this is probably because I struggle with feeling that way about myself. I've actually been afraid that guys would not want to marry me because I did not drive. Would he look at me as some sort of a "weak link" or something?

This seems complicated when you come from a family of very independent women who seem to just handle everything. Add to that the fact that all your friends your age are driving kids all over the place, and taking care of other adults who don't drive (me included). Something this simple can make it hard sometimes find common ground with people. It's weird sometimes... I'm not afraid of taking trains or planes... I actually spent a semester in England back in 2004 and ironically, found it much easier to live THERE than here. British people don't find it at all unusual if someone does not have a car...in fact, they ENCOURAGE people not to have them! (They don't have the room for all the traffic). Gee, maybe I should live there (??)

Anyway, a person is so much more than whether they drive a car, but, I wonder if that's much easier to say... when you actually do. No kidding, I feel the need to prove myself to people in every other way because I don't drive. I'm just so afraid they'll put me down or not like me. It's like something is "broken" and I can't fix it. I always wonder if anyone else my age goes through this.