Some things for Women to Keep in Mind...

Duh?? But I thought...Just saw a video on how autism affects girls in particular. You know, it's just a tricky thing all the way around, I think. I once heard an autistic women's personality described as a blank slate waiting to be filled. I think I would agree with that, but it also made me really sad. Was this person trying to say that autistic girls don't really know who they are because they spend so much time mirroring the behavior of others? Yes, she was.

So, the thing is, who ARE we? How do we know who we are? One of my English teachers in college liked to tell us all the time:

"Use your crap detector."

He was speaking generally for everyone, but the same thing applies to autistic women as well. The crap detector, as he liked to call it, is your instinct that tells you that something is not quite right. So, ask questions and don't be afraid. If you are afraid, that's alright, but let the excitement of independence win... and ask questions anyway. This is how you find things out. Just know that when someone makes fun of you (and they will) at times, it's because they are attempting to feel better about themselves...in the WRONG way! Ladies, have courage!!! Remember, some people though they are very smart, use all their intelligence for the wrong reasons. Just keep this in mind, and remember that the goal is keeping yourself safe. Decide what you deserve. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and fairness. Anyone who will not treat you with these things does not deserve to be in your life. You have the right to be protected.

Now, as we get older, it gets harder because in order to live our lives, we often have to deal with more and more of the wrong behaviors from people. I think this is because as adults, we use the fact that we ARE adults to get away with things. It's like we tell kids all the time: "When you're an adult, you can do that.". I am not saying that everything that people do is bad, and that we should not trust anyone. But, let's face it, we don't become ELIGIBLE to do many things until we are adults. So, for neuro-typicals, this often opens up many possibilities as to what they are able to now get away with. The lines are blurred because of newly gained independence and responsibility. But for those with Autism or AS, we seem to wait our whole lives for this independence and the responsibility that goes along with it. Our sensitivities and child-likeness often require us to need a sort of "parenting" kind of assistance even well into adulthood. The thing is, we live in a culture that teaches people that you are a nobody if you do not learn to handle everything yourself, without even breaking a sweat. Our culture does not like weakness (I don't care how politically correct we believe we've become). We also do not look kindly on anyone looking uncertain or unsure. We can BE unsure about many things, of course... Everyone is. But even then, those who seem to have their own smooth way of "blending in" with others faire much better than those who stick out like sore thumbs. Translation: We must avoid LOOKING like failures at all costs. This is superficial and it's shallow, and it's ridiculous... but unfortunately, this is the general social norm that we all seem to put pressure on ourselves to fit into.

In my opinion, it's not worth it. I say, ladies, set your own example. Be that refreshing drink of water (as it were) for those who have been "out in the desert" too long. Everyone needs an example of courage. Be one! The open honesty and vulnerability and frankness of those on the spectrum does not "gel" with a culture that constantly tells people they must hide all imperfections. Do not let anyone tell you that you are not eligible to take part in the adult privelidges of life... just know that you will have your own unique way of accessing them. Be kind to yourself so that you are able to be kind to others too. Remember everyone is scared at times, and everyone needs help. Some of us just have different ways of showing it.

"Be as gentle as lambs, but as cunning as serpents.". The "cunning as serpents" part, is where the "crap detector" comes in. It's for protection. It's a process of using our heads in order to guard our hearts. It's using your instinct or "internal filter" in cases where we must decide what is best to do, and whether or not someone has the best motives in mind, this can be a tricky thing to do because of all the different things life can present us with on a given day. For autistic adults, this is very challenging because that "internal filter" is not there naturally. It must be taught...consciously thought of. The "gentle as lambs" part has to do with treating people with respect and kindness.

I think a common dilemma many people with autism face is keeping the "guard" in place while treating people with the sense of endearment that genuinely comes from the heart. We never want offend anyone, make them angry or embarrass them, because of our own sensitivities to the same things. Ideally, we want to trust people and we want them to trust us. We don't want to treat people as though we THINK they would mean us any harm because we would never want to be treated that way ourselves. We know that this would be hurtful to us, so we assume this "mistrust" would also be hurtful to others. Wonderful idea. Wonderful intentions. Obviously, the problem is that we leave ourselves wide open to be taken advantage of by those who do not have proper motives. Remember that trust must always be earned through correct behavior. When we don't know someone, we do not yet have the proof that their motives are what they should be. This does not mean that you SAY something like this to someone you don't know. This is not kind or gentle, it's rude and disrespectful. This sends a message to the other person that you are someone they do not want to encounter again :). Always treat another person as well as you want to be treated, but ask yourself whether or not this person needs to EARN your trust. If you just met that person (whether you see them again or not), they need to earn your trust. Be respectful, and honest, but don't tell them your life story.

The one thing about the autistic female mind that is uncomfortable to me, is the fact that I've read many times that women with autism tend to have more "male" brains. Judging by my personality, I'd tend to agree with this..
I tend to be a control freak and distrustful of others motives (can you tell?) :). When I think someone is incorrect I tend to want to "put them in their place" :). I have temper tantrums and Meltdowns and tend to become impatient and loud. (I do a lot of apologizing for temper tantrums) :). I feel the need to become defensive easily. This is one of the things I need to really work on. I tend to push people away too quickly. I've heard it said many times that a man cannot fall in love with someone whose temperament is too masculine. This is troublesome to me because I feel as though I'm always trying to balance masculine and feminine energy. It can be exhausting! :). Thoughts? Ideas... anyone? :). Be true to yourselves ladies! Use your head to guard your heart.
(Matthew 10:16). The serpent/lamb analogy.