Strength in Weakness

Duh?? But I thought... I just saw a sign which read:

"Don't be disappointed when people don't help you.
That is how you learn to do things yourself
It's tremendous empowerment."

(or something to that affect).

I have very mixed feelings about this. I often act like I don't need any help, in order to avoid asking for it. I wanna be in control and capable, and able to do things perfectly the first time, every time, and have people bask in wonder at how I handled everything. The fact is, this is a standard of perfection that has often gotten me into trouble, and cost me a lot of learning opportunities.

With me, it's not about feeling bad when people won't help me; it's giving up the stubbornness that won't let me accept the help being offered. There is empowerment in this as well. Autistics tend to dream and fantasize... even about simple things. When we do things, we want to do things perfectly and have people indebted to us somehow because we often mistake this feeling of control with empowerment. There is a feeling that we have "saved" or "rescued" someone. The glory of being our own superhero sorta washes over us, and we feel vindicated... we feel strong... we feel worthy... we feel empowered. But let's face it...superheroes are not clumsy or weak.

The tricky thing is, we know we're only human (duh, right?), but we equate our successes (even the little ones) with the strength of a superhero. There is a literal euphoria that washes over us when we "succeed" at things that we associate with being accepted by other people. When we succeed, people accept and adore us... When we fail? Well... this is where it also gets tricky. What happens (in our black and white thinking) when we fail? If people are still accepting of us, are they only doing it because they have to, because that's just what people are supposed to do? Now, understand, I'm going through a THOUGHT PROCESS here, that no one (autistic or not) will broadcast to people because... well, it's embarrassing. It sounds juvinile and childish, doesn't it? Once we grow up, we're supposed to understand that our esteem in the eyes of others does not disappear when we... need help. This is ridiculous, right? It isn't if we have A terrible fear of becoming a burden to others. As Autistics, we often learn to create our own personal milestones because we don't often have the typical milestones of others at the expected (shall we say) times of life. As a result, we feel as though there is this sort of a burden on us to "prove" our worthiness to the other adults around us.

For example, some of us need help because we do not drive. The fact is, driving is particularly dangerous for some Autistics because they are so highly sensitive to the sensory changes going on around them and they are so easily overwhelmed. This is a reality that some Autistics live with. Is it easy? Of course not. Who wants to look like there isn't a thing wrong with you and yet feel so incapable? And yet, having a "do or die" attitude does not help, if the reality is that this person still should not be driving. For them, the strength of their character has to come in letting someone else help them. Letting someone else help them navigate the bus system, call a cab, or allowing them to give them a ride could be the most empowering thing they can do for themselves. Often it does not seem as though this is the case. This allows no room for the "euphoria" of feeling like our own superhero. It does not let us feel as though we are in control, because we have to allow someone else to help us. Our black and white thinking makes us feel as though we should be way beyond needing this sort of help (and sooner or later, people are going to start telling us so).

Autistics have these sorts of fears, and sometimes we're terrified of others finding out about them because it's like another step backwards in our fight for independence. Our black and white thinking makes it very difficult to step back and let other people step into our lives, because there's no way we can predict an outcome. Besides, sometimes our undying sense of hope won't allow us to be very realistic. (Again, it's the superhero sort of mentality.). We want to hope all things, believe all things and endure all things where we believe something truly will work. So, it's a mystery... but there's a certain strength in weakness. Sometimes, there is no one there to help us with things and we learn to do things on our own out of necessity. But isn't it wonderful to embrace those in our life who are willing to help and support us? Isn't it amazing to be empowered...by embracing our need for help? Certainly not a politically correct view, but perhaps it can keep some from being bound by the weight of a "burden of proof" (as in, "I must prove to myself and the world that I can do everything myself."). Be empowered as you know that others love you (and they probably are not nearly as hard on you as you tend to be on yourself. Blessings! :)