The Flip Side...

Duh?? But I thought... In my quest to find out about Autism, I have heard and read an awful lot about Dr. Andrew Wakefield. I saw Anderson Cooper become quite incensed with him on 360, I 've read posts on many pages that say that what he's doing is ridiculous and cruel, I've read about all the effort that's been taken to prove that his claims are false.

Okay, now let me say two things... Number one, I am not a doctor. Number two, I am only self diagnosed. I have a sincere belief that I have Autism myself and have been researching it like crazy, but I do not have an official medical diagnosis. Now, as I understand it, autism means "One" or "self". The Autistic's brain is "wired" differently than a neuro-typical's. No better or worse... Just different. So, I think the next logical question would be: "What causes these differences?". Right? Many people want to know the answer to this right?

I know this is a hard thing for people to discuss because it seems that their very character is being attacked and Misjudged. The fact that a person's brain processes information in a different way does not mean that this person is sick and needs to be cured. How can anyone speak about 'curing" a person's imagination, or abilities, or creativity? I get that. The thing I don't get, are all the physical limitations and symptoms that come with it, which must be treated somehow, either with medication or counseling or, life coaching, or physical therapy,even. Many of these symptoms and characteristics, I have. Some of them physical, some of them emotional and psychological.

People with Autism can have stemming, flat feet, poor muscle tone, unusual eye movements, gastro intestinal problems, sensory disturbances, anxiety, compulsive behavior, nervousness, Meltdowns, difficulty focusing, concentrating, and a whole other list of issues that can occur as the result of the one's already listed there, such as, say, teeth grinding and migraine headaches. Wow! You guys, I'm exhausted just thinking about all that, and thinking "somebody help!". Add to this, the fact that many times, Autistics are delayed in reaching life's milestones, they often have great difficulty holding down a job or moving away from home, and forming romantic and social relationships. Yikes!

Now, I'm confused because frankly, that seems like a lot of "sickness" for something that cannot be "cured.". I realize that not everything I listed there is a sickness, but on the other hand, a lot of it is...right? So, we devote our lives to treating the 'disabling" symptoms but don't want to believe that there is anything we can do about the (apparent) source??? Forgive me if I'm pissing you off, I apologize, but I don't understand. I've heard so many parents talk about how "heartbreaking" the diagnosis was for them because you don't want to see your child suffer and struggle. Listen, I love the fact, that I have "foreign accent syndrome" and that Most of my friends as a kid were imaginary, and that I still sleep with stuffed animals, and that I still pretend that my life is one big movie with hidden cameras. That's a big way that I deal with weakness in my life. I pretend that I am an actor portraying myself and that any weakness or loss of control in the character's life is there because I (the actor) am portraying the character that way, and this is all part of an academy award wining performance. Would I want to "fix" or "cure" any of that? Nope...certainly not! I'm too proud of it... and why not, I should be, right?

But what about the flip side? What about the debilitating difficulties? What about the fear that says a person will never be normal? Now, NOT being normal is not a bad thing, but lets face it...every Autistic person has that fear... and that freaking "sense of danger, or possible danger.". I've read about this over and over, and I also experience it everyday. Do I want to get rid of it? You bet your ass I want to get rid of that!! I for one, am tired of feeling like I live my life inside this clear "bubble" that allows me to see everything and "roll" through everything that happens in my life...but in the end, I always need a "push" from mommy, or somebody to keep me moving through because I can't actually get out of the "bubble.". I can say what I want, and see it, and know exactly how I want something to be in my mind, but I never seem to actually be able to get out of the perpetual "cacoon" around me. My life seems always lived with some sort of "go between", as in someone more capable than I who is on the outside of the cacoon, helping me carry out the endeavors of my day (and often in ways I'm not satisfied with). But on the other hand, anything that I can bring (into) the "bubble" keeps me busy... good, I feel productive. Here's the thing, there's only room for one thing, maybe two, inside the bubble... and I can't keep rolling because I need to concentrate (!!!)

So everyone outside the bubble, wishes they could get in, and often they are irritated because I don't come out. Listen guys, I can't help the fact that I live in damn "bubble"... but it's there and I've had to learn to 'adapt to it. I can come out of it once in a while for a bit. But I always begin to feel the affects, the fear, the nausea, the feeling that I'm sliding or falling, and I can't stop myself (in my head). I end up running back to the very "bubble" I hate because it's the only thing that "protects me" from all the noise out there. (Yikes!!!). Now, that being said, and keeping in mind that we are not attacking anyone's character here, is it any wonder that there would be some people out there who sincerely believe that the "cause" of all this chaos is out there somewhere? And if there is a cause to all of this...might there be a cure? I'm asking could there be a way to "cure" the bad stuff, while allowing someone to keep all those. AWESOME, positive characteristics that seem to come with being Autistic?

I have a different theory: I think the awesome characteristics are already in a person... but the Autism both enhances them and... Tries to smother them at the same time. I think it's this "smothering" that the autistic person is continually wrestling with, or trying to prevent, or change. It's exhausting! Let's face it; it's exhausting... for kids, for adults, for their parents and family trying to help them. All of this, brings me back to doctor Andrew Wakefield. Do vaccines "cause" Autism? I have no idea. I DO know that NO vaccine could ever CAUSE the wonderful awesomeness that Autistic people possess. But what about the FLIP side of it? My final point of confusion comes in all the stories I've heard (not directly, but on the net), from parents who say they "lost" their children. Somewhere around the tender age of eighteen months or so, parents say that any cognitive ability their child had suddenly disappeared. Children (such as Elizabeth Bonker) for example, suddenly did not recognize their parents, and stopped responding to their own name.

Now, I can't say whether a vaccine caused these delays or not, I am no doctor. But it has been repeatedly documented that Autistic people's brains process information differently than neuro typicals. (right?). So could it be POSSIBLE that certain vaccines given to an infant can damage the way an autistic person already processes things, thus causing that FLIP side (the negatives) that make Autism such a puzzle? (Pun intended). Andrew Wakefield seems to think so... and he has boldly claimed that he has evidence. If he's wrong about all that, why does he have to be treated like such a freak? I mean aren't we supposed to be allowed to express what we believe about things...even if it turns out to be wrong. This does not make those who are Autistic any less awesome. But let's face it... those with Autism often have a. HARDER time (because of that FLIP side). And say Dr. Wakefield is right... doesn't that then mean that the FLIP side of Autism could be prevented? I mean what if someone changed what is put into vaccines, or stopped putting it in altogether...could this at least HELP the FLIP side of Autism? (Not the AWESOME side...leave that alone...just the FLIP side)? I mean, why would this be so bad? The truth is there are a lot of parents and physicians who do believe that Autism is Preventable and curable. I truly believe that it is only the FLIP side I mentioned that they want to "cure"... not the AWESOME side. They don't want to get rid of the awesomeness of personality and character, they wanna make that even better by preventing the FLIP side of Autism.

Perhaps we need to decide to start showing the one thing that it is said Autistics lack...empathy. Andrew Wakefield's beliefs may not be shared by many, and his "passion" may even be misdirected... but it is still that... passion. Now, it's an angry passion...but sometimes our passions make us angry, don't they? Remember when you saw someone bullied, or you WERE the one who was bullied? It lit a fire of anger in you, yes? (And rightfully so, BTW). Both Andrew Wakefield, and Jenny McCarthy (yes, I know, I have not mentioned her until just now); but they both seem to believe that our government needs to stop requiring certain vaccines because they (supposedly) are contributing to making kids sick, rather than healthy. If they believe so strongly that the FLIP side of Autism is caused by sickness, would it not make sense that they also believe that this "sickness" can be cred or prevented? Now I am not saying whether either of them are right or wrong. The point I'm making is that it breaks my heart to see these two bashed so much, particularly by the Autistic community, for seeming to be persistent in saying; "That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.". Can we choose to believe that rather than ruining the awesomeness of an Autistic character, they only want to try and fix the FLIP side? I mean, if anybody knows anything about persistently standing up for what you believe, no matter who you piss off, it's an Autistic individual who only wants to be heard.

Again, I have no idea whether they are right or not. If curing Autism would mean that I could no longer be the awesome woman I am now, no, I would not want a "cure" for that. But I won't lie... I think the FLIP side can just take a hike... it sucks!! I say, if there is anything that will cure THAT...let me know :). Thanks!!