It's not a disorder...

Duh?? But I thought...You know, I keep hearing everywhere that Autism and AS is not a disorder. Hmmm... It is a wonderfully unique and different way of thinking and constructing ideas. This is for sure... and thank God for it. But here's the thing. I'm afraid of being afraid. Anxiety does that to you. I'm always wondering whether my day is going to be good or bad, due to circumstances beyond my control. Yes, I CAN control how I handle the situation... But add Meltdowns and temper tantrums into the mix, and suddenly, even your response to a given incident seems beyond your grasp.

At any given time I can feel sick to my stomach, and I don't need a reason. I have to know where the restrooms are in each public place I'm in. This is a preventative measure. Too many choices at one time can give me a panic attack. Sometimes it is too overwhelming to me to go to stores or restaurants. I have digestive issues, migraines, sweaty palms and feet, sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights, weird eye movements, extreme changes in mood, difficulty with fine motor skills, physical challenges because of weak muscles. I speak too quietly oftentimes, and when I'm asked to speak up, I get annoyed, which makes it awkward for people to talk to me. I have a constant inner dialogue that never seems to shut off. I'm always trying to process the words in mu own head. I talk to myself constantly, and have often been ridiculed for it. All of this, while people are saying to me "You look fine... why don't you work?". I moved out on my own when I was 27, and was SO excited about it, but most people I told about it thought it was odd that this was the first time I'd ever been on my own. I'm not a "typical" anything. I always have thins lingering feeling that my life is 15 to 20 years behind most people"s.

Sometimes I don't think I make the best adult, because the most joy that I get out of life comes from childlike things. I can be very jovial, but am constantly too hard on myself for not acting my age. I know how amazing I am, and I wish others did too... but am I conceited for saying so? All of this, and I've gotta find some way to present myself to people in a way that does not depress me or them... Because who want's that? Who would ever be interested in someone who brought them down, right? I would not be interested in that either. :) I understand. :). My greatest wish in the world is that I can be with the right guy, and just love him... but no one will notice me if I don't "get out there" right?... When every one of my senses is telling me that it would be much safer not to.

Now, the original purpose of this entry was mentioning that I'm hearing all over the place that AS and autism are not disorders. Excuse me, but I'm exhausted now; I think I need to lay down. :)

KNOW WHAT I MEAN??? :)

PS...Don't worry, my next entry will be all about power and overcoming, because this is depressing. :)

PPS...I do not need any correction here about WHETHER or not AS and Autism is a disorder. :). The point here is that it's ironic that a state of being that seems to disrupt a person's life so much is NOT a disorder. It certainly CAUSES a lot of disorder! Is that a fair statement :)