Duh?? But I thought...
Sometimes we hold onto things for way too long, and even we don't understand why. I always wonder why my brain is wired this way. Why can't I just let things go? Interesting, because, if you believe in Jesus, like I do, then the "holding on" makes sense. I mean, my brain seems "wired" for this sorta thing. Somehow, I don't think it was EASY for the woman who'd been bleeding for 12 years to believe that she would still be healed (but she was!). It's obvious that Abraham and Sara second guessed themselves over & over about Isaac's birth, again and again. They were scared, I think that God must've told them something that they missed...and WHAT WAS IT??
Sometimes waiting is a lot harder than we bargain for. When it has hurt too long, we try to "force" a solution because we think we can't stand another minute of uncertainty. I had a friend that I decided I liked as more than a friend. I thought this friend liked me as more than a friend too, but then I figured out I was wrong. I believed I had a word from the Lord about him, just like some old Bible story from thousands of years ago. Now it seems that this belief has only made me a fool...which by the way, is ALSO consistent with Old Testament Bible stories. I'm sure Noah struggled with feeling foolish as people laughed & scoffed while he built this huge thing called...an ark (??). Course, then it began to rain! Had Noah held onto to his beliefs for too long? No. Because God did what he said he would. Now, from a human perspective, he was an absolute fool. Spent years building this Ark and gathering up all the animals they would need...not a drop of rain. No sign...no indication obvious to ANYONE ELSE that this man wasn't crazy. But Noah had God's word. God does not break his word! The thing is, no one else had the word that Noah did. It was Noah and God. That's it. That's. ENOUGH...but that was it.
This is a lonely walk. This too is not easy. We are all human. We falter, we doubt. We want to relate to other PEOPLE just like everyone else does. So, what happens when we have a word from the Lord, and those around us (bless their hearts) only want to protect us and help us get our head out of the clouds? This has to be discerned and listened to. Do we have our head in the clouds (as it were)? Are we being dishonest with ourselves or God? Are we believing the truth, or a lie? Have we made this up in our own heads & then SAID it was from God? All these questions will cause a struggle...which most likely will lead to guilt. I say this, because this is what has happened to me. What's with the striving? Why the struggle? Do I believe what God said or not? I think of Hannah. She knelt before the Lord in anguish, and could not say out loud what she was going through. It was too intense. She mouthed her words in silence, and Eli (the High Priest) thought she'd been drinking. Well, if you mean drinking in her own anguish...yes...I'd say she was. Eli believed her, and said "May the Lord grant your request."
Have you ever REALLY anguished over something? Maybe you felt it would break you in half, but found yourself stuffing it & holding it in? Maybe you knew others would not believe you. Maybe you're embarrassed because you know it will be too intense for those around you. Maybe you spend a great deal of time alone because that's the only way you can "feel" your feelings without offending anyone else. What makes it harder still, is that Aspies romanticize things. We see things VERY specifically in our minds and do not want that "picture" broken or changed. This is often mistaken for conceit and selfishness. Often we're not trying to be conceited. We'd rather think of it as unwavering and faithful. Somehow, I think Peter knew a great deal about this dilemma. Anyway, the fact is... We doubt...sometimes a lot easier than we expect that we will.
Am I believing God because I really do have a word about (someone) from Him, or am I being completely unrealistic because I'm holding onto something that is not true? You know, the irony is that the old testament Bible characters did ALL of these things...only the las part of that sentence was different. They DID believe in God because they really did have a word from Him. They WERE being completely unrealistic, because they were holding onto something that... WAS true! That's difference. But it did not feel, look or seem true. God seemed to have left the building, and those involved were usually desperate for Him to make an entrance. If the characters of the old testament had settled for being realistic, would any of them have been used by God in the powerful ways that they were? I don't think so, myself. They had to go out on a limb and be very brave, and keep believing when everything in them, told them not to.
Now, this is not to be mistaken with dishonesty. Sometimes we need to take an inventory of ourselves and make sure we're telling truth. But be assured today...God knows. He understands. He knows when we are embarrassed because we wonder if we know the truth from a lie anymore. He knows, when we don't want to leave, but it's getting harder and harder to stay (still) and you wonder if it's even worth it. Maybe you've thought for ages that it's time you accepted that God has something different for you...but you're too afraid to abandon the original instruction. Maybe you know that something just doesn't seem to add up...and you wish you knew what it was. He knows. He knows when you're lonely, and nothing you seem to fill your time with will blot out the one thing you're not sure about. He knows when you feel torn apart because you can't seem to just look to God, and even when you do...he's silent. Every old testament character went through this. It was a lonely walk for them. God knew it...and he knows it today. He knows when you can't take the counsel of even your closest friend's because it doesn't match what God is telling you. He hurts with you when you really believe he should tell someone else the thing that he's telling you so you're not alone...but it doesn't happen. He knows. He understands. He remembers. He's right there holding your hand, when you want to scream at him that you don't believe him anymore. (!!!).
My point is, that if you're kicking yourself right now because you believed very strongly in something that did not work out...it's okay. Forgive yourself. It's not your fault. I don't know whether you're supposed to keep believing or not, but don't punish yourself for not being "realistic.". Maybe this has become sorta like a mantra in your life that seems to chanted (if you will) by other people. "You're not being realistic.". It's been my experience that the God of the Bible never had much use for "realistic " people because the things that HE wanted to accomplish were so crazy! :). This characterizes my life, as a sentimental, enthusiastic, loyal to a fault, sensitive, curious Aspie, who often doesn't seem to have much use for the sensible things in life. I'm a dreamer, and I always will be. This is why God makes sense to me. True, a person can be sincere...but still be sincerely wrong...but don't kick yourself for being sincere. God Knows.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Autistics Rejoice! :)
Duh?? But I thought...
.I was just thinking, I have found what I think is a huge blessing from having AS.
This got me to thinking about some of the major stereo types surrounding AS and what can be done to help deal with the negativity. I am not a doctor. These are my opinions based on my own experiences. This does not apply to everyone with AS. These are general observations...some written in the first person, some written to Autistics in general. Note: absolutely NO disrespect intended towards those who are not Autistic. I'm only trying to take some of the stereotypes of autism and turn them on their head! :)
The blessing is...
Learning to just roll with it. No no, I'm serious. I think when we have AS we can learn to just roll with it, even better than someone who doesn't have it. I find that for me personally, I know that I need a lot of assistance doing even little things that test my fine motor skills. Too many directions at once are confusing for me, things like that. Whether I like it or not, I've had to learn to be dependent on others in ways that maybe I'd rather not. But there are actually several pros to this:
Now, what makes AS tough, is that, for one thing, we often explain things "inside out" and then have to turn them around. (Like I just did). Did you catch that? I said there are several PROS to this & then pointed out what makes AS tough.
Sometimes, it's harder to allow people to help us than it is to keep on being fiercely independent. I've come to believe that it can be our independence on others that can help us form relationships with people. Since those with AS have many challenges when it comes to relationships, this need to accept others help can be a doorway of opportunity that helps US, rather than a huge burden that needs correcting.
1. So many people struggle with being stressed out & having too much to do, so many times many NT's just wish they knew how to back off and do less...not take on so much. With AS, this is built in...it's almost like we're born with it. We generally HAVE to bite things off in small pieces and know where our limits are... Because we often don't have much energy to begin with. This does not have to be a strike against us. In fact, it can be an amazing gift because we know our time is precious...and we are "forced" to give ourselves more options in spending it. That's just the way it is. We just can't do things the same way all the time...especially if we're women. This often means we cultivate amazing courage because yes, we are...swimming against the tide. Now, this sounds like a total paradox, doesn't it? Aren't Autistics very ritualistic? Don't they HAVE to do things the same way every time? Depends on the person. Some do...that's true. But personally, I find that a solution can be to... sit back and relax. Okay, so I can't handle very much at one time. I have something built in that allows me to rest more. Granted, many times, there is too much to do, and I don't have the energy to do it. Everybody has this issue. Just that those with AS can be much more aware of it, because our systems tell us...amen? So, we get to be excellent managers of the energy and time that we do have. This is an excellent skill to have.
2. I'm not afraid of boredom. Do I like being bored? Of course not. In fact, this drives me nuts...BUT, it forces me to just "chill out.". Hey, why keep fighting with it? Yeah, I struggle with restlessness, but most of the time, this is because I'm afraid that my life won't be exciting enough for OTHER people...not for me. The truth is...it takes very very little to make me happy. So little in fact, that I'm afraid others won't think I'm interesting; or even worse...that I'm lazy and I don't care. This let's me know that when I'm bored, it's easy to remedy.
3. This leads me to number three. I don't need a lot of attention. In fact, many times, the less attention I have from others, the better, because this gives me a peace... No pressure. Just me, and my thoughts and ideas. My mind is free to go at its own pace. I don't struggle with being out of step because there's no one to be in step with. This doesn't have to be depressing, it can be very freeing.
(on the other hand, this changes drastically when I am forced to be sociable and do things with other people. I'm like the one little mushroom in "Fantasia" who's trying to do the same dance as the others, and can't. I'm hurried and nervous, and overwhelmed with directions. This interaction is often unnerving for me.
4. I absolutely can be IN THE MOMENT. A stereo type about AS is that we can't be in the moment because we have to have everything planned. Wrong. Aspies want to have things planed so that they know when they are FREE to be in the moment. It's our freedom we're after...not some rigid thing that never changes. The problem for us can come when others insist on taking us OUT of the moment...because of all their plans. (okay, we have to go do this now). The moment that it takes others to tell me some joke that I don't understand, is likely a moment that I WAS enjoying in my own way. In fact, I WAS so in the moment, that now, I'm really upset because I think the moment's been stolen from me, due to social pressure. I can't count the number of times when I have been truly grieved because in about 60 seconds, I had the perfect peace of mind, and the perfect thoughts. All of this is abruptly shattered because someone (bless their heart) decides to ask me how I'm doing. How could this possibly be as important as the beauty I'm seeing in my own mind?
5. We have long, long memories. We store our moments up...and we can remember them years later, as though they just happened. We can also connect things to seemingly random memories...years later. It's like our brains are huge filing cabinets, and we know what's in each file and can pull it up at any time. This may seem useless and not related to a thing, but, we can make room in our heads for things that many people don't have room for. Our biggest heart ache can be that the business of life doesn't leave us much room to do this.
6. This leads me to another HUGE stereotype. That people with AS are sort of on "auto pilot" all the time because they don't handle change well. Wrong. In my opinion. Many of the things that people must do in order to deal with daily life REQUIRE them to be on auto-pilot a lot of the time because they have to be. Autistic people suffer a lot of frustration because we are actually wanting desperately to break OUT of this pattern...not get into it because we can't handle change. We LOVE change...we LOVE exciting and new things...we just don't handle OTHER PEOPLE'S change well, because we then have to get into another person's... auto-pilot. In other words. This is their normalcy, this is what THEY are used to. This is THEIR routine. It's a reasoning process. We have to take things...even little things and make them our OWN before we are comfortable doing them. It is not change that does not allow people to do this...it's the need of others that we do things the same way every time...and be on "auto pilot". So many times, life just REQUIRES this of us...I get that. But I truly believe that many Autistics struggle terribly because of "routines" put in place by social norms that they are not allowed to break out of. So guess what? This means WE have a wonderful ability to be FLEXIBLE!!! I think the truly difficult part is that so much of the everyday, Neuro-typical world, is not able to allow for
6. I know exactly what I want. Believe it or not, my simplified life makes this very easy for me. I know exactly what I want when it comes to what I eat and drink, what I wear, my hair, my make-up and many other personal preferences. The stereo-type is that autistic people have trouble making decisions. We do? Umm, no...I usually want the same thing (most of the time)because I already know what works for me & what doesn't. What's indecisive about that? The problem comes because of all the excess information and choices an autistic person must "wade" through that have NOTHING to do with what they actually WANT. An autistic person only wants ONE thing...MAYBE two...and that's it. Simple. We'd rather not have the "sea" of choices we are often presented with. We've often made a decision long before we're actually faced with it...even with mundane things. Why should we be faulted when, despite only needing one option, we were presented with... way too many? Less is definitely more!
I know that sometimes, my mind becomes rather gloomy because delving into Autism, and everything that it seems to be...makes me feel less than. I know I'm NOT "less than" but it can be easy to get lost in overwhelming weakness and uncertainty. What can you do? Embrace yourself for who you are. Be as patient as you can with others, and know that you're just fine :)
.I was just thinking, I have found what I think is a huge blessing from having AS.
This got me to thinking about some of the major stereo types surrounding AS and what can be done to help deal with the negativity. I am not a doctor. These are my opinions based on my own experiences. This does not apply to everyone with AS. These are general observations...some written in the first person, some written to Autistics in general. Note: absolutely NO disrespect intended towards those who are not Autistic. I'm only trying to take some of the stereotypes of autism and turn them on their head! :)
The blessing is...
Learning to just roll with it. No no, I'm serious. I think when we have AS we can learn to just roll with it, even better than someone who doesn't have it. I find that for me personally, I know that I need a lot of assistance doing even little things that test my fine motor skills. Too many directions at once are confusing for me, things like that. Whether I like it or not, I've had to learn to be dependent on others in ways that maybe I'd rather not. But there are actually several pros to this:
Now, what makes AS tough, is that, for one thing, we often explain things "inside out" and then have to turn them around. (Like I just did). Did you catch that? I said there are several PROS to this & then pointed out what makes AS tough.
Sometimes, it's harder to allow people to help us than it is to keep on being fiercely independent. I've come to believe that it can be our independence on others that can help us form relationships with people. Since those with AS have many challenges when it comes to relationships, this need to accept others help can be a doorway of opportunity that helps US, rather than a huge burden that needs correcting.
1. So many people struggle with being stressed out & having too much to do, so many times many NT's just wish they knew how to back off and do less...not take on so much. With AS, this is built in...it's almost like we're born with it. We generally HAVE to bite things off in small pieces and know where our limits are... Because we often don't have much energy to begin with. This does not have to be a strike against us. In fact, it can be an amazing gift because we know our time is precious...and we are "forced" to give ourselves more options in spending it. That's just the way it is. We just can't do things the same way all the time...especially if we're women. This often means we cultivate amazing courage because yes, we are...swimming against the tide. Now, this sounds like a total paradox, doesn't it? Aren't Autistics very ritualistic? Don't they HAVE to do things the same way every time? Depends on the person. Some do...that's true. But personally, I find that a solution can be to... sit back and relax. Okay, so I can't handle very much at one time. I have something built in that allows me to rest more. Granted, many times, there is too much to do, and I don't have the energy to do it. Everybody has this issue. Just that those with AS can be much more aware of it, because our systems tell us...amen? So, we get to be excellent managers of the energy and time that we do have. This is an excellent skill to have.
2. I'm not afraid of boredom. Do I like being bored? Of course not. In fact, this drives me nuts...BUT, it forces me to just "chill out.". Hey, why keep fighting with it? Yeah, I struggle with restlessness, but most of the time, this is because I'm afraid that my life won't be exciting enough for OTHER people...not for me. The truth is...it takes very very little to make me happy. So little in fact, that I'm afraid others won't think I'm interesting; or even worse...that I'm lazy and I don't care. This let's me know that when I'm bored, it's easy to remedy.
3. This leads me to number three. I don't need a lot of attention. In fact, many times, the less attention I have from others, the better, because this gives me a peace... No pressure. Just me, and my thoughts and ideas. My mind is free to go at its own pace. I don't struggle with being out of step because there's no one to be in step with. This doesn't have to be depressing, it can be very freeing.
(on the other hand, this changes drastically when I am forced to be sociable and do things with other people. I'm like the one little mushroom in "Fantasia" who's trying to do the same dance as the others, and can't. I'm hurried and nervous, and overwhelmed with directions. This interaction is often unnerving for me.
4. I absolutely can be IN THE MOMENT. A stereo type about AS is that we can't be in the moment because we have to have everything planned. Wrong. Aspies want to have things planed so that they know when they are FREE to be in the moment. It's our freedom we're after...not some rigid thing that never changes. The problem for us can come when others insist on taking us OUT of the moment...because of all their plans. (okay, we have to go do this now). The moment that it takes others to tell me some joke that I don't understand, is likely a moment that I WAS enjoying in my own way. In fact, I WAS so in the moment, that now, I'm really upset because I think the moment's been stolen from me, due to social pressure. I can't count the number of times when I have been truly grieved because in about 60 seconds, I had the perfect peace of mind, and the perfect thoughts. All of this is abruptly shattered because someone (bless their heart) decides to ask me how I'm doing. How could this possibly be as important as the beauty I'm seeing in my own mind?
5. We have long, long memories. We store our moments up...and we can remember them years later, as though they just happened. We can also connect things to seemingly random memories...years later. It's like our brains are huge filing cabinets, and we know what's in each file and can pull it up at any time. This may seem useless and not related to a thing, but, we can make room in our heads for things that many people don't have room for. Our biggest heart ache can be that the business of life doesn't leave us much room to do this.
6. This leads me to another HUGE stereotype. That people with AS are sort of on "auto pilot" all the time because they don't handle change well. Wrong. In my opinion. Many of the things that people must do in order to deal with daily life REQUIRE them to be on auto-pilot a lot of the time because they have to be. Autistic people suffer a lot of frustration because we are actually wanting desperately to break OUT of this pattern...not get into it because we can't handle change. We LOVE change...we LOVE exciting and new things...we just don't handle OTHER PEOPLE'S change well, because we then have to get into another person's... auto-pilot. In other words. This is their normalcy, this is what THEY are used to. This is THEIR routine. It's a reasoning process. We have to take things...even little things and make them our OWN before we are comfortable doing them. It is not change that does not allow people to do this...it's the need of others that we do things the same way every time...and be on "auto pilot". So many times, life just REQUIRES this of us...I get that. But I truly believe that many Autistics struggle terribly because of "routines" put in place by social norms that they are not allowed to break out of. So guess what? This means WE have a wonderful ability to be FLEXIBLE!!! I think the truly difficult part is that so much of the everyday, Neuro-typical world, is not able to allow for
6. I know exactly what I want. Believe it or not, my simplified life makes this very easy for me. I know exactly what I want when it comes to what I eat and drink, what I wear, my hair, my make-up and many other personal preferences. The stereo-type is that autistic people have trouble making decisions. We do? Umm, no...I usually want the same thing (most of the time)because I already know what works for me & what doesn't. What's indecisive about that? The problem comes because of all the excess information and choices an autistic person must "wade" through that have NOTHING to do with what they actually WANT. An autistic person only wants ONE thing...MAYBE two...and that's it. Simple. We'd rather not have the "sea" of choices we are often presented with. We've often made a decision long before we're actually faced with it...even with mundane things. Why should we be faulted when, despite only needing one option, we were presented with... way too many? Less is definitely more!
I know that sometimes, my mind becomes rather gloomy because delving into Autism, and everything that it seems to be...makes me feel less than. I know I'm NOT "less than" but it can be easy to get lost in overwhelming weakness and uncertainty. What can you do? Embrace yourself for who you are. Be as patient as you can with others, and know that you're just fine :)
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