Unrealistic

Duh?? But I thought...

Sometimes we hold onto things for way too long, and even we don't understand why. I always wonder why my brain is wired this way. Why can't I just let things go? Interesting, because, if you believe in Jesus, like I do, then the "holding on" makes sense. I mean, my brain seems "wired" for this sorta thing. Somehow, I don't think it was EASY for the woman who'd been bleeding for 12 years to believe that she would still be healed (but she was!). It's obvious that Abraham and Sara second guessed themselves over & over about Isaac's birth, again and again. They were scared, I think that God must've told them something that they missed...and WHAT WAS IT??

Sometimes waiting is a lot harder than we bargain for. When it has hurt too long, we try to "force" a solution because we think we can't stand another minute of uncertainty. I had a friend that I decided I liked as more than a friend. I thought this friend liked me as more than a friend too, but then I figured out I was wrong. I believed I had a word from the Lord about him, just like some old Bible story from thousands of years ago. Now it seems that this belief has only made me a fool...which by the way, is ALSO consistent with Old Testament Bible stories. I'm sure Noah struggled with feeling foolish as people laughed & scoffed while he built this huge thing called...an ark (??). Course, then it began to rain! Had Noah held onto to his beliefs for too long? No. Because God did what he said he would. Now, from a human perspective, he was an absolute fool. Spent years building this Ark and gathering up all the animals they would need...not a drop of rain. No sign...no indication obvious to ANYONE ELSE that this man wasn't crazy. But Noah had God's word. God does not break his word! The thing is, no one else had the word that Noah did. It was Noah and God. That's it. That's. ENOUGH...but that was it.

This is a lonely walk. This too is not easy. We are all human. We falter, we doubt. We want to relate to other PEOPLE just like everyone else does. So, what happens when we have a word from the Lord, and those around us (bless their hearts) only want to protect us and help us get our head out of the clouds? This has to be discerned and listened to. Do we have our head in the clouds (as it were)? Are we being dishonest with ourselves or God? Are we believing the truth, or a lie? Have we made this up in our own heads & then SAID it was from God? All these questions will cause a struggle...which most likely will lead to guilt. I say this, because this is what has happened to me. What's with the striving? Why the struggle? Do I believe what God said or not? I think of Hannah. She knelt before the Lord in anguish, and could not say out loud what she was going through. It was too intense. She mouthed her words in silence, and Eli (the High Priest) thought she'd been drinking. Well, if you mean drinking in her own anguish...yes...I'd say she was. Eli believed her, and said "May the Lord grant your request."

Have you ever REALLY anguished over something? Maybe you felt it would break you in half, but found yourself stuffing it & holding it in? Maybe you knew others would not believe you. Maybe you're embarrassed because you know it will be too intense for those around you. Maybe you spend a great deal of time alone because that's the only way you can "feel" your feelings without offending anyone else. What makes it harder still, is that Aspies romanticize things. We see things VERY specifically in our minds and do not want that "picture" broken or changed. This is often mistaken for conceit and selfishness. Often we're not trying to be conceited. We'd rather think of it as unwavering and faithful. Somehow, I think Peter knew a great deal about this dilemma. Anyway, the fact is... We doubt...sometimes a lot easier than we expect that we will.

Am I believing God because I really do have a word about (someone) from Him, or am I being completely unrealistic because I'm holding onto something that is not true? You know, the irony is that the old testament Bible characters did ALL of these things...only the las part of that sentence was different. They DID believe in God because they really did have a word from Him. They WERE being completely unrealistic, because they were holding onto something that... WAS true! That's difference. But it did not feel, look or seem true. God seemed to have left the building, and those involved were usually desperate for Him to make an entrance. If the characters of the old testament had settled for being realistic, would any of them have been used by God in the powerful ways that they were? I don't think so, myself. They had to go out on a limb and be very brave, and keep believing when everything in them, told them not to.

Now, this is not to be mistaken with dishonesty. Sometimes we need to take an inventory of ourselves and make sure we're telling truth. But be assured today...God knows. He understands. He knows when we are embarrassed because we wonder if we know the truth from a lie anymore. He knows, when we don't want to leave, but it's getting harder and harder to stay (still) and you wonder if it's even worth it. Maybe you've thought for ages that it's time you accepted that God has something different for you...but you're too afraid to abandon the original instruction. Maybe you know that something just doesn't seem to add up...and you wish you knew what it was. He knows. He knows when you're lonely, and nothing you seem to fill your time with will blot out the one thing you're not sure about. He knows when you feel torn apart because you can't seem to just look to God, and even when you do...he's silent. Every old testament character went through this. It was a lonely walk for them. God knew it...and he knows it today. He knows when you can't take the counsel of even your closest friend's because it doesn't match what God is telling you. He hurts with you when you really believe he should tell someone else the thing that he's telling you so you're not alone...but it doesn't happen. He knows. He understands. He remembers. He's right there holding your hand, when you want to scream at him that you don't believe him anymore. (!!!).

My point is, that if you're kicking yourself right now because you believed very strongly in something that did not work out...it's okay. Forgive yourself. It's not your fault. I don't know whether you're supposed to keep believing or not, but don't punish yourself for not being "realistic.". Maybe this has become sorta like a mantra in your life that seems to chanted (if you will) by other people. "You're not being realistic.". It's been my experience that the God of the Bible never had much use for "realistic " people because the things that HE wanted to accomplish were so crazy! :). This characterizes my life, as a sentimental, enthusiastic, loyal to a fault, sensitive, curious Aspie, who often doesn't seem to have much use for the sensible things in life. I'm a dreamer, and I always will be. This is why God makes sense to me. True, a person can be sincere...but still be sincerely wrong...but don't kick yourself for being sincere. God Knows.