Temper Temper

Duh?? But I thought...

Though I am not currently using Eharmony, and will not use it again, I have used it in the past, and one of the questions asks how often the person loses their temper. This is simply an unfair question because there is no way to answer it without turning someone off: "Hi, I think you should know, I lose my temper several times a day". Great way to get a date. The thing is, for most of us with AS, this is just a normal part of life. We lose our temper's several times a day because our overwhelming emotions are sorta like needles jabbing us from the inside. There is a constant avalanche... with nowhere for the flow to go. Our everyday life simply does not allow for these intense, emotional responses, so we are forced to continually "file them away" somewhere in our minds, with the persistent need to lay all the puzzle pieces out for each one, and "analyze" them at a later time.

Only when these "pieces" of each emotional response are spread out in front of us, studied, pieced together and then "covered" with the "balm" of a soothing solution, can we then erase that file, or "let it go," until the next "earthquake" of an event hits us (whether it good or bad). We do our best to appear calm, and in control...normal. But as more and more of these emotional responses get no TLC, something wears thin...and if you will...the "volcano" erupts. Something starts to fray and fall apart, and, we don't realize it, but the "filing cabinet" in our mind is full. At this point, heaven help the unsuspecting person who just asks a simple question or makes a request. It can actually be painful for us to slip this innocuous thing into our overloaded brains, and the needles jab us. We have outbursts. We are suddenly irritable and unreasonable. Our thinking is distorted. Though we look completely fine, it's like trying to stop a moving train with only our hand. We can't. We snap at people, raise our voices, slam doors. Sometimes we just give people what I call the Death Glare...our gaze seems to just shoot through people and cut them. We can also stay in the other room, looking at the floor, breathing heavily, and making as much noise as possible just waiting for someone to ask what's wrong so we can release the pressure.

So, we apologize a lot. We over-explain things and sometimes over dramatize. We become afraid that the unsuspecting "victim" of our outburst or tantrum is now angry with us with the same intensity. (And why shouldn't they be, in most cases?). But at the same time, we can't bear to think of anyone being that angry with us or disappointed in us. In most cases, they are not at all (at least I find this to be true). But we live with the lingering fear. The intensity of our emotions is amazing, when it's on the flip side. We are loyal to a fault, often doing the wrong thing for the right reason, if only to show a person that we truly care. We can't stand to see anyone hurt, and will walk through fire for total strangers.

Our righteous indignation goes right through to our bones, and we can't breathe until we've stood up for what is good, decent and fair. When something bad happens to someone else, we feel it, as though it were happening to us. It takes a while for us to feel comfortable with people, but once we are, we are loyal for life. Life lessons stick with us for ages, creating a safety net around us, and our memory stretches for miles. We can remember conversations from 20 years ago like they took place just yesterday. We love very deeply. Our feelings tend to be "turned up" by the events that go on around us. For some reason, we must use this stimuli to bring ourselves to life. This is a joy when we are elated and giddy and peaceful, and happy. But when angry, depressed, scared or nervous, we often feel we will collapse under the weight. We are often scared to death that those around us will decide that they no longer want to put up with us, and that we might be rejected by those we love. So, the subject of temper is one that can be very close to those of us with AS. Our tempers can be like sleeping giants that we are trying not to awaken. The best thing to do may be to pat us on the back, believe the best about us and tell us everything's okay.