Recovery

Duh?? But I thought...

Maybe this blog has a weird title because I feel weird. Anyway... I just read a blog post by Brant Hansen about "Mr. Spock" being in church, and growing up in church. In it, he describes wondering whether God had rejected him or something because he did not seem to be moved by church (experiences, music etc.) the way that those around him were. Wow. This got me wondering about something: when it comes to those with AS or Autism, how can someone else TELL when they are particularly moved or happy, or elated? For that matter, AS affects girls very differently than guys. Is it possible to be a female with AS and be over emotional and easily upset...even distraught over things? I wonder for two reasons: first of all, I don't seem to have trouble showing my emotions, in fact, with me...the opposite is true. My emotions hit me like an avalanche and sometimes it's very difficult for me to control their intensity. I sometimes have to separate myself from situations because my own emotions have wounded me to the point that I can't look normal anymore.

I don't know whether this happens to guys with AS as well, or not. I'm inclined to think that yes, it DOES...we just can't see it. I'll be honest: this...terrifies me. The fact is, I'm an emotional female. Now, I've said in this blog many times that I am only a self diagnosed Aspie, which, for me, just makes things more confusing. When I first began looking into AS (Suspecting that I MAY have it), I did not realize that I was looking at the symptoms for GUYS...not for girls. So, at times, I'd worry because I'd see huge inconsistencies between my behavior and "the list" I'd be looking at. Then I read that AS affects women differently, and began looking at lists of FEMALE AS traits... (BOING!!!). Man, did God turn the light on! I fit almost all of them to a tea! Even things that I'd been struggling with, like forever, but never told anyone because somehow I knew they'd never understand. Memory like an elephant: check. Gets lost in her own little world: check. Tends to bond with those older or younger than she is, rather than her "peers": Check. The list goes on and on...but as I said, the list of traits for AS in guys terrified me. Not to put myself on a pedestal, but my reasoning went like this: at least I know how to show someone that something's wrong.

In other words, a guy with AS can be completely ELATED by something and no one around him even knows it, is that right? Don't worry guys, I'm on YOUR side here; I'm just trying to get a feel (yes, there's a pun there) for how others might recognize the way guys with AS really feel about things. Remember in "Dead Poet's Society," when Niel said: "You look about as stirred up as a cesspool."? Forgive the harsh analogy guys, but is this true? If so, how can others see through that and know that you really are rather emotional about something? Would you tell us? Or might it not occur to you to say something about it? (Which is understandable). And how does this work specifically in the area of pursuit between guys and girls? Can a guy with AS be absolutely nuts about a girl, and be unable to give her any indication of that? I would imagine that if this is difficult for NT guys, it would be another story altogether for guys with AS! (I'm just sayin!). I once heard James Dobson say that a guy can't truly respect a girl if he does not feel like he has won and conquered her. In other words, if she does all the work for him, then he doesn't respect her. Is this also true for men who have AS? I would imagine so, but say a guy with AS really liked a girl, and he had no idea how to show her or tell her? What if he's "moved" by her greatly, but she has no indication of that?

I don't know...maybe, just like NT guys, if he knew he liked her he would do something about her...end of story. But when you reason things differently, and maybe, what you want to convey does not show itself...what then? Perhaps I'm making too big a deal about this. As a Christian, God really is the only one who makes any sense to me. The rest seems to be a jumbled mess I have to wade through. But in honesty, it breaks my heart that things like emotions or being particularly "moved" by something would be just a huge bother to anyone (guy or girl). Music moves me...deeply, for example. Now, granted, it depends on what music it is! Some music only moves me to turn the radio off! We respond to different things don't we? It's just that personally, I could never imagine MUSIC being this bothersome thing that someone needs to recover from. Furthermore, how does someone who's particularly emotional NOT take that personally? (Why can't you just like it because I enjoy it?...that sorta thing.). How does one learn to bond with someone who may not be able to share their interests because often these interests feel like something they need to recover from?
I've never been particularly concerned about comments... But I feel that for this entry they would be helpful! :) :). Thanks! :)