What is WRONG with me???

For as long as I can remember, people have been trying to teach me how to "lighten up.". I really do have quite a sense of humor... But most of what I find funny... Isn't funny to other people. As a child I spent hours alone in my room, singing and talking to myself and making up my own little games. I preferred Relationships with adults. Kids wanted to run around and clibm trees and do physical things. Normally, I'd only get my feelings hurt because I could not keep up. I remember I could not handle teasing of any kind (usually). I was quite sensitive and would internalize everything, feeling like I was being attacked somehow. The strange, but good thing is that this seemed to give me more empathy (not less). I always seemed to be in knots over two things: 1. Some thing that I believed was terribly wrong (and how to fix it) And 2. WHY doesn't anyone else think that thing is a big deal? As a result, I was always defending someone (even if it were only myself). It was hard for me to do the simplest of things with others because I was always worried about what was right and fair and best for everyone. This sounds commendable, I suppose.... But most of the time I just drove people nuts with it. I always seemed to be worried about someone getting hurt or treated unfairly or left behind, and usually I was upset about it in some way. The short version is that other kids got angry with me for making too big a deal out of things, and I'd get angry because I'd think my "friends" didn't care. As a result, I abandoned a lot of friend's because I believed that they were "mean" and had no sympathy. The irony is that I'm sure they believed the same about me. I was known to all who were close me... And even those who weren't, as a "sweetheart". This is odd for someone with the temperament I've just described...but that's exactly my point. How could this be possible? I've seemed to be plagued by extremes in behavior masked by an extreme aloofness and withdrawal. As an adult, this has caused me to "mask" a lot of things... Even from myself. Sometimes I simply don't recognize when I need assistance with something or I need to make a change. My "focus" tends to run deep... And only on one thing at a time. When I am involved in something, I can be so deeply involved that I block out everything else. Sometimes I do this intentionally... But other times I'm not aware I've done it at all. As a result, simple, mundane things go un-noticed. For example, I can be writing something in a journal for over an hour and my mom will come in and go "Don't you wanna turn on a light?". So obvious...but I had not even thought about it. Being too involved in my writing, this mundane detail is lost on me. Now, this does not mean that I have Aspurger's ... Everybody does this at times right? The thing is, I often become angry when people mention these mundane things to me. Why? This is not unreasonable. How can I see to write if I don't turn on a light? But it disrupts my thought process. Whatever I'm writing down is "erased" from my brain because now I must process the question being asked and the physical action needed. I can get those thoughts back...but I liken it to a flower pot falling off of a shelf and breaking. I have a "mess" to straighten up inside my head now, in order for me to "get back" to where I was. When I finally "straighten" it all out, I'm usually so frustrated, I don't even want to finish what I started. Goodness sakes, what's WRONG with me? :)

Oh, I Didn't Think of it That Way...

If I had a dollar for every time my teeth clenched with embarrassment because the point I made was different from everyone in the room, I'd be a rich woman. Just last night, my mom, my sister and I were talking about what each of us would do if we had a million dollars. My answer went like this: I would buy whatever car I wanted, and hire someone to drive me everywhere. I'll talk more about driving later, but anyway, my mom had once helped care for an elderly person who could no longer drive, so mom drove her around. It was HER car, but mom drove her around. I thought this was ingenious! So, I figured someday I would do that too. This would give someone else a job, while taking away any driving anxiety I had. Together, my mom and sister both said: "Just call a limo!" "Oh yeah, well" I said. My answer took a paragraph & included a memory from years ago. My mom & sister's answer took four words, was simultaneous, was much simpler & much more FUN, and quite OBVIOUS to both... DUH! Why wasn't that obvious to me? It was as if it were so simple...it went right past me. Such is just one example of when this sinking, LOW feeling comes over me. It's chronic. That's all I can say. It's all I can do to keep from running out of the room, hiding in a corner, and crying. Well. I'd at least have to talk it all out... How incredibly ridiculous I feel... And stupid, because I absolutely blew it. WHY couldn't I think of that?? It was as if I was on a whole different plain of reality than they were.

Who Knew?

The irony of this blog is that it has all started with my looking into a story of a person who happens to have Aspurger's Syndrome. The more I've researched this person's story, the more I've wondered if I have Aspurger's Syndrome. I would read about this invididual, and then read about different characteristics of those who are known as "Aspies" and feel as though I was reading about... Me. I am 34 years old and have never been tested for AS. At birth, I was diagnosed with cerebral Palsy because there was a lack of oxygen to my brain, apparently. There are a few (supposedly typical) characteristics of AS that do not seem to fit me at all. This is, of course, where my confusion comes in. But of course there are exceptions to every rule, so... I'm now going to tell my own story, bringing as many relevant circumstances "to the table" as I can. My hope is to obtain some proper testing that would tell me conclusively whether I actually have this condition, or if I am somewhere in the autism spectrum. As mentioned, I was born with Cerebral Palsy (So my parents were informed.) So, is it CP, or actually AS?? I was an emergency C-Section, and was immediately placed in an incubator with tubes put into me because my lungs were under developed. My liver was also under developed and I was placed under the "bright light" while wearing eye patches. I have spastic muscles, flat feet and hammer toes. One of my toes on my left foot is shorter tan it should be due to atrophy. I did not learn to stand on my own and walk until I was almost three years old, but at two years old, I had the vocabulary of a four year old. I actually began to speak at about a year old, and I had no first word (according to my mom) I simply began saying sentences. At two, I could sing and change pitch. At a year and a half old, I got my first pair of glasses. I slowly began to focus my eyes, have had a wandering eye most of my life, which I've now had surgery to correct. My eyes appear normal, but I've been told by doctors that they do not work together. They switch (back & forth). This is something that happens in my brain... Not my eyes themselves. I do not have double vision and I'm not cross-eyed , but often it appears that I am because of my wandering eye. I have A LOT of astigmatism, and (I'm told), problems with my rods and cones (I'm not even sure I understand that). As I've gotten older, I've noticed that my eyes have developed occasional twitches. I now often blink one and not the other, which I've always done at times, but seem to do it more now as an adult. As A toddler, I began to be put in a combination of braces and casts to help keep my tendons straight. At around age ten I was told I could abandon the braces altogether because my gait and muscle tone were strong enough that I would probably be okay with walking and exercise. My muscles of course will always be spastic and weak, but at the same time, I have a very strong gait, straight posture and straight limbs. I have never had seizures, or uncontrollable tremors. Today, I have TMJ Syndrome because of excessive teeth grinding since I was small. I toe walk on my left side... This side of me is my weaker side (lower limbs), but I am left handed. My creative side is certainly the one I favor. However, I do not do well with things that require physical movement, balance, coordination, or re-creating physical shapes or structures. I CAN draw something that I'm given a picture of or something that is put in front of me...but this too is quite a challenge for me. It can take me hours and I can get so frustrated with it, I often want to give it up. There are several drawings I've completed, but in several ways, they look incomplete, sloppy, or childlike because of problems with precision and depth perception. Reading, researching, writing and remembering are what I'm good at... These and singing. I am nothing if not auditory. I sing or talk almost constantly. I sing things that aren't originally meant to be sung, even. I'm always, talking, whispering or mumbling... More to myself then others. I very often repeat my words out loud to myself, and I am constantly keeping some kind of "beat" even if only in my head.