WORSE?? HOW CAN THEY GET ANY WORSE???

Duh?? But I thought...

Have been kicking myself for having a meltdown both last night and today. During a meltdown, I seem to want to make others feel just as out of control as I do. But afterwards, I feel just as bad and angry with myself for being so...mean, so immature, so ridiculous, so...out of control. I kick myself for not being an adult. Adulthood...the "destination" I seem to have fought so hard to get to...even though, it's a journey...and EVERYONE goes backwards sometimes. (Hey, that pile of stuffed animals on my bed is not going anywhere!!) :)). I'm very very blessed to have a supportive family who is very patient with me.

Oh! The kicking myself after a meltdown is crazy; sometimes I wonder if I've gotten so used to this "emotional roller coaster" that I create it. It's sort of like being in the car, at the top of the hill, and you're right on the edge... I can see the track out in front of me, but the coaster is stuck up there. What am I supposed to do...just SIT here!!! I've found myself trying to explain what that whole process feels like. The extreme enthusiasm at anticipating something you're excited for...waiting for it...hoping for it...planing for it, relishing it, loving it, maybe even tasting it in your mouth, counting down the minutes until it comes. Maybe knowing that you have some time RELAX...which is wonderful, because you really need it...

All this followed by...what I explained just now. The roller coaster, the changed plan, the hope deferred, the adjustment that suddenly has to be adjusted to! The emotional plummet downhill. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??? (AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!). It's like fireworks that are supposed to go POP...but they only smolder and smoke...(guess this one is a dud?). Then all of the sudden, when you least expect it... BOOM!!! But later there's a much worse feeling of drop...it's the sheer embarrassment that follows the childlike temper tantrum. It's the feeling that whomever was around when the coaster came down the hill at full speed has every right to just kill you...and you're just praying that they won't!! It's like a little kid thinking "Please don't be mad at me!"

So being that it's the Christmas season again, we've put on "Christmas Vacation" a couple times. And tonight, it hit me... It's like being Clark Griswold. The up and down roller coaster of Asperger's Syndrome is like being Clark Griswold. Now, this does not mean that you'll have 25,000 twinkle lights on your house...but you might WANT to. (Come on...admit it...come on!). No seriously...I'm talking about the anticipation inside and the way it builds...and builds and builds...

"It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind sparky. You set standards that no family event can ever live up to."
"When have I ever done that?"
"Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations..."

In English, when get excited about something, we get VERY excited about it. We see the way we really want things to go, and often take on way too much at once, with stars in our eyes because we're dreaming about how wonderful it's going to be. Then when we've taken on too much, we "go outside for the season" because there's often too much chaos. So, mentally, we want to climb up on the roof and put up Christmas lights for hours...even if it means we freeze to death, because, at least up there...it's quiet! We now require the rest of our family to sort of "take over" a situation that we started... We built it up in our mind, we anticipated it...and the thought of it taking place kept us going...sorta, "got us high," emotionally. But then...we actually have to DO all this...We have to dig the tree out of the ground, that is so huge, it won't fit in our yard, but WE want to fit it in our living room instead. We have to have way too many people in the house...in spite of our family's objections, and then we spend hours putting up thousands of Christmas lights...in joyful anticipation of our family's oooh's and ahhh's, only to have a complete meltdown when they don't work!! We begin kicking, screaming & cursing...being cranky like an infant...not realizing that all our hard work has paid off...all we need do is turn on the switch!

So, our big "ball of anticipation" keeps unraveling...while we are "holding it together" the whole time like the Little Engine that Could, saying "I think I can, I think I can!". But eventually, their comes a point where the "Christmas bonus" we were anticipating...that would have made all the stress worth it, turns into a membership in the Jelly of the Month Club...and there is no money to put in our glorious built in swimming pool...which was the "big one" that would've made this whole mess worth it. We through a wall eye'd fit, destroying things in the process, taking in huge gulps of egg nog or some other comforting drink, while we're cursing and swearing and yelling about how we REALLY want to give someone a piece of our mind. (!!!). Every once in a while, someone close to us says "May I remind you that this was all your idea?". The answer is: " No, no...I'm well aware of that!"

Now of course, this is a fictional scenario...and blown way out of proportion. But this is my point. When something goes beyond our control and we can't cope with it or fix it, we might even feel this way on the inside...and no one sees it because we keep it under wraps. We know we can't REALLY behave like this, but inside, something is just making us nuts! When the meltdown comes, it's because we can no longer keep our feelings at bay. Often, we feel stupid because we have somehow caused, we think...whatever has gone wrong. But often, just like Clark...we do not admit this...we think we are just doing what needs to be done in order to solve a problem...and that if we had not been required to change any of our plans...then we would be just fine. Real life, so often just does not work this way however. Things happen, don't they? We have to make unexpected transitions, whether major or minor. I'm really trying to figure how I can make it easier to just roll with it in real, normal everyday life...not the movie "Christmas Vacation.". I'll have to see how it goes...but in the meantime, I need a lot of mercy from those around me! (Goodness!). I suppose, when you have to work hard to take it easy, something needs work. But sometimes when we feel as though maybe everyone should just "go home before things get worse...". Well, you get the idea. :))