Duh?? But I thought...
Just saw a post dealing with ten things someone would say to a woman/girl with AS if they were her therapist. I was intrigued, until I realized that each one was at least two paragraphs long...and very very deep. Look, I don't know whether my attention span literally has become shorter from being online all the time, but there was no way I could read it all...too heavy. However, I did get the idea to make up my own list. So, short and sweet, here it is:
Ten Things I'd Say to an Aspie Female if I Were Her Therapist:
1. Crying is okay here.
2. You can look at the floor when you need to.
(when I ask if you understand what I mean, just nod so I know)
3. Stimming is okay. I won't mind if you rock back & forth, tap your foot, or play with your hair.
4. Pillows and comfy things are okay. Bring something to hold, squeeze, or stroke
If you like...a Teddy bear, a pillow, a ball, a ribbon.
5. I won't be offended if you show up in your PJ's
(as long as they cover everything that they should.) :)
6. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't or should not have kids (if you want them.)
7. You can do it! You can do it! You can do it!
8. Everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves,
you can't let the world judge you too much.
9. Make it a point to allow your parents to BE your parents.
Respect them, even when you don't feel they've respected you.
10. Sit back, enjoy the ride, and if you go easy on yourself you can go easy on others too.
Don't assume that you "can't"...always believe that you can...and just keep walking.
Find a safe place to go crazy when you need to...and then keep walking.
And there you have it. No doubt I could add more, but I think this about sums it up. :)
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Asperger's Syndrome: What's Going on Anyway? (Seven Simple Definitions)
Duh?? But I thought...
Was on Facebook just now, and saw yet another post attempting to explain Asperger's Syndrome, or AS to those who do not have it. I am so convinced now that those with AS need help navigating through the world at large out there as well, rather than only trying to teach those who do not have AS to understand those who have it. But that's another story for another day...
Anyway, when attempting to explain AS to someone, we seem to make it so difficult a lot of the time. The proverbial "web" of strange, "treatment center jargon" sounding terms by itself can be hard to make sense out of for sure..."discalculia"(???)
So, here I am again, attempting to clear the air.
Note: I am not a doctor. What is written here is only my opinion.
1. Autism. It means "one" as in the word "automobile."
Autistics gravitate inward, and do their own thing.
2. Asperger's Syndrome. It's a type of Autism that simply bears the last name of the man who discovered it.
It has a soft "g" as in "general".
In my opinion, it's best to pronounce it with emphasis on the PER rather than the AS, to prevent saying
"Ass-perger's Syndrome"
Think: asBERjer's Syndrome, and you got it.
It is often called "A.S." for short.
People with AS often refer to themselves as "Aspies".
3. Boys and Girls. Girls often hide it better, so they are simply not diagnosed as much as boys are.
AS is basically Autism without the speech delay, and learning disabilities that can accompany it.
But AS has it's own symptoms and characteristics, many of which mirror Autism.
I've found that general lists of symptoms for AS, are symptoms in boys.
Make sure you look specifically at AS symptoms in girls, when dealing with how it affects females.
(Otherwise symptoms may not match).
4. Neuro-Typical's. Neuro-Typical's are simply people who do not have AS or Autism. In other words, their
brains are wired in the "typical" way.
Neuro-Typical's are often called "NT's" for short.
5. "Discalculia". In my opinion, this is a crazy term that literally sounds made up.
Put simply, it means: Trouble calculating numbers.
I'll explain like this...when we work with numbers or information involving numbers, it's as though our
brains have to "switch channels" and often, our math channel is "scrambled"
if you will.
Have you ever heard someone say: "My mind doesn't work this way" when
they're dealing with math? Yeah, it's like that.
Mind you, this is not to say that AS is always involved there. :)
6. Meltdowns. Meltdown's are overload's of information that cause us to act out because of too much stimuli.
Often, meltdowns are when we become irritable, and unreasonable, and need "alone" time.
7. Stimuli. Anything around us that stimulates our senses: Light, sound, smells, textures, tastes in our mouth.
Trouble processing all of this is what's called "Sensory Processing Disorder."
Simply put, this means: It's all too much, I can't take anymore right now.
Imagine a hose that gets a kink in it. The water is on full blast, but has slowed to
a trickle, while the pressure builds inside. When the kink comes out, the water gushes, full blast (!!!)
To me, this is what overload feels like.
This often leads to meltdowns.
Was on Facebook just now, and saw yet another post attempting to explain Asperger's Syndrome, or AS to those who do not have it. I am so convinced now that those with AS need help navigating through the world at large out there as well, rather than only trying to teach those who do not have AS to understand those who have it. But that's another story for another day...
Anyway, when attempting to explain AS to someone, we seem to make it so difficult a lot of the time. The proverbial "web" of strange, "treatment center jargon" sounding terms by itself can be hard to make sense out of for sure..."discalculia"(???)
So, here I am again, attempting to clear the air.
Note: I am not a doctor. What is written here is only my opinion.
1. Autism. It means "one" as in the word "automobile."
Autistics gravitate inward, and do their own thing.
2. Asperger's Syndrome. It's a type of Autism that simply bears the last name of the man who discovered it.
It has a soft "g" as in "general".
In my opinion, it's best to pronounce it with emphasis on the PER rather than the AS, to prevent saying
"Ass-perger's Syndrome"
Think: asBERjer's Syndrome, and you got it.
It is often called "A.S." for short.
People with AS often refer to themselves as "Aspies".
3. Boys and Girls. Girls often hide it better, so they are simply not diagnosed as much as boys are.
AS is basically Autism without the speech delay, and learning disabilities that can accompany it.
But AS has it's own symptoms and characteristics, many of which mirror Autism.
I've found that general lists of symptoms for AS, are symptoms in boys.
Make sure you look specifically at AS symptoms in girls, when dealing with how it affects females.
(Otherwise symptoms may not match).
4. Neuro-Typical's. Neuro-Typical's are simply people who do not have AS or Autism. In other words, their
brains are wired in the "typical" way.
Neuro-Typical's are often called "NT's" for short.
5. "Discalculia". In my opinion, this is a crazy term that literally sounds made up.
Put simply, it means: Trouble calculating numbers.
I'll explain like this...when we work with numbers or information involving numbers, it's as though our
brains have to "switch channels" and often, our math channel is "scrambled"
if you will.
Have you ever heard someone say: "My mind doesn't work this way" when
they're dealing with math? Yeah, it's like that.
Mind you, this is not to say that AS is always involved there. :)
6. Meltdowns. Meltdown's are overload's of information that cause us to act out because of too much stimuli.
Often, meltdowns are when we become irritable, and unreasonable, and need "alone" time.
7. Stimuli. Anything around us that stimulates our senses: Light, sound, smells, textures, tastes in our mouth.
Trouble processing all of this is what's called "Sensory Processing Disorder."
Simply put, this means: It's all too much, I can't take anymore right now.
Imagine a hose that gets a kink in it. The water is on full blast, but has slowed to
a trickle, while the pressure builds inside. When the kink comes out, the water gushes, full blast (!!!)
To me, this is what overload feels like.
This often leads to meltdowns.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Get it Together
Duh?? But I thought...
Hello...(my name is)...and I have a problem with my temper. Even as a kid, I would wonder why my feelings seemed to just shoot through me like lightening bolts. I just have always felt things very strongly. Little things would make me very giddy and happy...sentimental, or so excited I could barely stand it. But since these were true, the opposites have also been true.
It's called "impulse control," but I think "temper" is more accurate. I can easily remember verbatim, something that happened 20 years ago, but I will forget where I put something five minutes ago...and then be reduced to tears trying to find it. My thought process starts out rational: "Just look for it, you'll find it.". I'll search around awhile, feeling a rush of excitement every time I remember a place where it could be, but then having my heart drop when it isn't there. I look around again, trying to go over places I've missed...but still nothing. I try to stay calm, thinking if I just keep looking I'l find it, while I feel this internal pressure building.
Pretty soon, I'm stomping from room to room, talking to myself louder and louder, wringing my hands up and down, wanting anyone in the room to stop what they are doing and help me look, but not asking. At this point, Heaven help anyone who tries to be helpful and ask me where it could be....they are now going to get yelled at, because either I've already looked their several times, and I can't believe they would not KNOW that I would be smart enough to look there; or I'm angry with them for suggesting some place I did NOT look, because now I feel like a stupid fool for not thinking of that.
Either way, this loss of control that I suddenly feel is constrewed as someone else's fault. Now I'm slamming doors and rushing from room to room proclaiming in some irritating whine that things do not just DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR!! (Now where the hell did it go??). I never actually believe that someone else has hidden what I can't find...somehow I know better than that...but it's at this point that I expect the God of this universe to just stop running everything, and produce that object...NOW!! I then need to sit down, my eyes tearing up and I feel like a child who needs a nap. This leaves me with profound embarrassment. Why can't I control myself? An adult would not act like this. Why does this feel so overwhelming? This is coupled with worries about what will take place if I do not find what I'm looking for...if I've misplaced my ATM card, for example. This is actually one of the worst scenarios because then I start imagining everything that might happen if I can't access my money. (Oh man...just calm down, deep breath, deep breath!
Somewhere underneath all that, there is a little pat of me that knows that it probably will be fine...it's not as bad as I'm making it. I just dearly wish that this part of me were as big as the panic and the bad temper. Part of me truly does not want to go through these irrational reactions. I try to keep them at bay as much as possible, change my thinking, change my reaction, or not react at all. This is an area where I seem to screw up first, then realize what I should have done or said, but the problem is that the damage has usually been done already. I used the example of being unable to find something because that's one of the more tame examples I can think of.
I mean, I try to empathize with people as much as possible, but this is usually a lot easier to do with those I'm not related to. Is there something about being close enough to someone that now they HAVE to put up all my crap? Unfortunately, yes. I've done this too many times to count. Is it unfair? Absolutely! What's harder is explaining to someone the autistic temperament, while correctly owning up to all my crap. Translation: I know I can't blame Autism every time I have a knee jerk reaction, or I completely unload on someone in frustration...but Autism does play a part in this...
I've always been described as sweet. The good girl. That was, and still is me. In school, I was the one who always got tons of certificates for citizenship. Translation: I knew how to behave myself. But often, with those closest to me, I will have a short fuse; start to yell, say things that are stinging and totally irrational, have a sharp, biting tone, stomp off and slam the door...literally like a child testing limits. All the time, I am painfully aware that I am no longer a child, and should be able to "handle" not getting my own way better than this. So, am I just being a spoiled brat? Sometimes, absolutely yes! But what happens when I am literally "pressing" too hard because my inability to cope has swallowed me up? What happens when I need more mercy than I can give back, because my mental capacity will not stretch that far? This is one of the things Autism causes; an acute sort of mental "fatigue" that stems from an inability to predict what will happen, or control a situation. This means something has happened that makes me feel unsafe...and now I'm acting out.
It's sort of like screaming "Help!"...but the scream never makes it out. The logical question at this point would be "Why don't you just ask?". Maybe because it seems too late at this point because I've already over reacted. So the million dollar question then becomes; "Why don't you ask before you react?". That's the problem...I don't know. Seems easy enough, right? Just ask. I'm talking about times when all the logic seems drained out of a situation because I have asked, and I feel I've looked everywhere...and nothing. At this point, I may as well have a sign on the front of me that says: "DON't YOU THINK I KNOW THAT??". If you're thinking; "Ouch!". That's just it...that's the way it feels inside me too. (ouch).
So, having a bad temper is tough because of both the reality and the stigma attached. It is true, a temper can be "used" to create a sort of "partition" between us (me) and the intimacy of another person...but what about the person who is truly wanting to master theirs, and they are not sure how? This is where I wish I had more answers...but at the same time, I'm confident they are out there somewhere. All I can say is, if we scare you, it's probably because we're that scared ourselves. Truly, we are like lions who need to remind ourselves that we can still roar. ...No, I didn't know this applied to GIRLS either! But it does. Gee, how to girls couple this with being...you know...a GIRL?
How do I explain that I'd rather die than make anybody think they can't trust me?
Hello...(my name is)...and I have a problem with my temper. Even as a kid, I would wonder why my feelings seemed to just shoot through me like lightening bolts. I just have always felt things very strongly. Little things would make me very giddy and happy...sentimental, or so excited I could barely stand it. But since these were true, the opposites have also been true.
It's called "impulse control," but I think "temper" is more accurate. I can easily remember verbatim, something that happened 20 years ago, but I will forget where I put something five minutes ago...and then be reduced to tears trying to find it. My thought process starts out rational: "Just look for it, you'll find it.". I'll search around awhile, feeling a rush of excitement every time I remember a place where it could be, but then having my heart drop when it isn't there. I look around again, trying to go over places I've missed...but still nothing. I try to stay calm, thinking if I just keep looking I'l find it, while I feel this internal pressure building.
Pretty soon, I'm stomping from room to room, talking to myself louder and louder, wringing my hands up and down, wanting anyone in the room to stop what they are doing and help me look, but not asking. At this point, Heaven help anyone who tries to be helpful and ask me where it could be....they are now going to get yelled at, because either I've already looked their several times, and I can't believe they would not KNOW that I would be smart enough to look there; or I'm angry with them for suggesting some place I did NOT look, because now I feel like a stupid fool for not thinking of that.
Either way, this loss of control that I suddenly feel is constrewed as someone else's fault. Now I'm slamming doors and rushing from room to room proclaiming in some irritating whine that things do not just DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR!! (Now where the hell did it go??). I never actually believe that someone else has hidden what I can't find...somehow I know better than that...but it's at this point that I expect the God of this universe to just stop running everything, and produce that object...NOW!! I then need to sit down, my eyes tearing up and I feel like a child who needs a nap. This leaves me with profound embarrassment. Why can't I control myself? An adult would not act like this. Why does this feel so overwhelming? This is coupled with worries about what will take place if I do not find what I'm looking for...if I've misplaced my ATM card, for example. This is actually one of the worst scenarios because then I start imagining everything that might happen if I can't access my money. (Oh man...just calm down, deep breath, deep breath!
Somewhere underneath all that, there is a little pat of me that knows that it probably will be fine...it's not as bad as I'm making it. I just dearly wish that this part of me were as big as the panic and the bad temper. Part of me truly does not want to go through these irrational reactions. I try to keep them at bay as much as possible, change my thinking, change my reaction, or not react at all. This is an area where I seem to screw up first, then realize what I should have done or said, but the problem is that the damage has usually been done already. I used the example of being unable to find something because that's one of the more tame examples I can think of.
I mean, I try to empathize with people as much as possible, but this is usually a lot easier to do with those I'm not related to. Is there something about being close enough to someone that now they HAVE to put up all my crap? Unfortunately, yes. I've done this too many times to count. Is it unfair? Absolutely! What's harder is explaining to someone the autistic temperament, while correctly owning up to all my crap. Translation: I know I can't blame Autism every time I have a knee jerk reaction, or I completely unload on someone in frustration...but Autism does play a part in this...
I've always been described as sweet. The good girl. That was, and still is me. In school, I was the one who always got tons of certificates for citizenship. Translation: I knew how to behave myself. But often, with those closest to me, I will have a short fuse; start to yell, say things that are stinging and totally irrational, have a sharp, biting tone, stomp off and slam the door...literally like a child testing limits. All the time, I am painfully aware that I am no longer a child, and should be able to "handle" not getting my own way better than this. So, am I just being a spoiled brat? Sometimes, absolutely yes! But what happens when I am literally "pressing" too hard because my inability to cope has swallowed me up? What happens when I need more mercy than I can give back, because my mental capacity will not stretch that far? This is one of the things Autism causes; an acute sort of mental "fatigue" that stems from an inability to predict what will happen, or control a situation. This means something has happened that makes me feel unsafe...and now I'm acting out.
It's sort of like screaming "Help!"...but the scream never makes it out. The logical question at this point would be "Why don't you just ask?". Maybe because it seems too late at this point because I've already over reacted. So the million dollar question then becomes; "Why don't you ask before you react?". That's the problem...I don't know. Seems easy enough, right? Just ask. I'm talking about times when all the logic seems drained out of a situation because I have asked, and I feel I've looked everywhere...and nothing. At this point, I may as well have a sign on the front of me that says: "DON't YOU THINK I KNOW THAT??". If you're thinking; "Ouch!". That's just it...that's the way it feels inside me too. (ouch).
So, having a bad temper is tough because of both the reality and the stigma attached. It is true, a temper can be "used" to create a sort of "partition" between us (me) and the intimacy of another person...but what about the person who is truly wanting to master theirs, and they are not sure how? This is where I wish I had more answers...but at the same time, I'm confident they are out there somewhere. All I can say is, if we scare you, it's probably because we're that scared ourselves. Truly, we are like lions who need to remind ourselves that we can still roar. ...No, I didn't know this applied to GIRLS either! But it does. Gee, how to girls couple this with being...you know...a GIRL?
How do I explain that I'd rather die than make anybody think they can't trust me?
Monday, May 11, 2015
Baby Steps: Keep Your Head Up
Duh?? But I thought...
Earlier today, I saw on Facebook that a well known Christian woman, probably best known for being content in her singleness...is now engaged. Immediately, I internalized it...felt the burn of jealousy, and then wondered whether God was punishing me (Is this about the friend's I rejected back in high school?). Just another example of a random event which has NOTHING to do with ME, that I felt an extreme need to be connected with, or attached to. It was almost as if I was angry with this woman for reminding me that I'm still a miserable failure when it comes to marriage, but now SHE is not! She has succeeded at it somehow, while I still cannot. Is this thought process ridiculous? You bet. Ridiculous, unnecessary, untrue, and harmful to my own character. (Never mind OTHER people assassinating my character...I can do it to myself).
This is just one example of how the Aspie mind can torture the person.
Another persons success at something does NOT equal my failure...but most often, this is the first place my mind goes. Here's the thing: People with AS, analyze everything to death, and then work too hard at trouble-shooting and finding every blind spot so they will KNOW how to do something just right. Then, in our minds, we expect a reward. We do. We expect people to pat us on the back, praise us, stroke our egos...we expect the GOOD to WIN. We expect to obtain that thing we've been pining for. Why not?... We've waited long enough. We've studied every nook and cranny till we're left on the floor with no energy, right? So, when we see OTHER's obtaining that same reward when it APPEARS that they have not waited as long, or tried as hard, or cried as much, or suffered as much isolation...we tend to take it VERY personally. We measure our own suffering against another's...and often become convinced that we have somehow been "snubbed," because WE would have been much more worthy of some blessing it seems has been awarded to another.
As someone with self diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome who is also a follower of Yeshua (Jesus), regrettably, I spend a lot of time becoming angry with God for this very thing...not just other people. I feel much closer to God than I do to other people in general because I know that Yeshua understands these ongoing, internal struggles...whereas other people do not. And why should they? Oftentimes, a person whom I "project" this sort of anger towards...has no clue that I even feel that way. This is because I've not actually spoken to them about anything...the conflict is completely internal...and also completely my own problem. I've now put myself in a position where I'm needing empathy I cannot get, because the "others" involved...have no clue that they're even involved. In other words they don't know I'm feeling the way I do. Oftentimes I fear that my issues are so trivial and "out there" that anyone I tried to tell them to would never see the preverbal "knives" stabbing me from the inside. Either that, or they would just think they were totally ridiculous. (I mean, look at me...I'm wasting energy being angry at a woman I've never actually met before, because she's engaged...and I'm not. I literally think this makes me a terrible failure somehow. It does not. This is not true in the least. (Goodness sakes)!!
Being too embarrassed or afraid to talk about these irrational thought processes, leaves me to try and "hold it all in" somewhere. The inadequacy of something I can't control, continues to "stab" me from the inside and sometimes, something seems to "break." Suddenly, something that has nothing to do with what's going on inside, will "trigger" feelings of anger or depression. I often feel "two foot small" like John Lennon says in "Hide your love Away.". Speaking of marriage in general, the preverbal "ball of yarn" inside continues to unravel when I wonder why anyone would want to marry me...because I drive myself crazy and would probably drive him nuts as well. I am constantly mumbling under my breath because all these struggles somehow need to make their way out verbally...it's like releasing pressure so that the "volcano" on the inside does not erupt. But this is another behavior that has cost me dearly. I mean, who wants to be around someone who (might be) mumbling about them or putting them down?
Okay, so, now my "child of God," nip it in the bud mentallity is taking over, so here we go... As it says in the 12 steps of recovery, "our thinking becomes distorted, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.". Is that what has happened here? Absolutely! I may become unreasonable inside, but I do not need to STAY that way. The Enemy's head is "crushed" when we praise God and we speak God's truth...so, guess what?...The TRUTH is, I'm an amazing woman who can attract people like a magnate. The TRUTH is, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me...and I've got that in writing (Philippians 4:13). This includes marriage! God is not going to "call" me to such a thing and then not equip me to take it on. The problem comes when I decide that I have waited too long for something that I should've already obtained, and I expect the world at large out there to stop learning so that NO ONE learns any lessons, or gets any rewards that I did not get. Again, ridiculous, right? You bet! But when you're actually going through it and feeling crushed yourself under the weight, it's quite profound. Stop. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.". Waiting is not easy, and sometimes, it's the only way we can grow. If I choose to "sabotage" this process by holding grudges against people, my God that I serve will be patient enough to take me through the test again...but I can't get the time back.
I've learned personally that I need to choose to be happy for those that I would rather hold grudges against. The more I do not want to do this...the more I need to. This is the only thing that punches my pride in the stomach, and sets me free. The truth is, that many many times, I have allowed the pride to win. But the bigger truth is that the God I serve is bigger than any feelings of isolation I seem to be drowning in. To my future husband, wherever you are, I love you...and can't wait to meet you. My mind is crazy, and sometimes the things I say are too. But through it all, there is wisdom gained. God is... And there is hope.
Earlier today, I saw on Facebook that a well known Christian woman, probably best known for being content in her singleness...is now engaged. Immediately, I internalized it...felt the burn of jealousy, and then wondered whether God was punishing me (Is this about the friend's I rejected back in high school?). Just another example of a random event which has NOTHING to do with ME, that I felt an extreme need to be connected with, or attached to. It was almost as if I was angry with this woman for reminding me that I'm still a miserable failure when it comes to marriage, but now SHE is not! She has succeeded at it somehow, while I still cannot. Is this thought process ridiculous? You bet. Ridiculous, unnecessary, untrue, and harmful to my own character. (Never mind OTHER people assassinating my character...I can do it to myself).
This is just one example of how the Aspie mind can torture the person.
Another persons success at something does NOT equal my failure...but most often, this is the first place my mind goes. Here's the thing: People with AS, analyze everything to death, and then work too hard at trouble-shooting and finding every blind spot so they will KNOW how to do something just right. Then, in our minds, we expect a reward. We do. We expect people to pat us on the back, praise us, stroke our egos...we expect the GOOD to WIN. We expect to obtain that thing we've been pining for. Why not?... We've waited long enough. We've studied every nook and cranny till we're left on the floor with no energy, right? So, when we see OTHER's obtaining that same reward when it APPEARS that they have not waited as long, or tried as hard, or cried as much, or suffered as much isolation...we tend to take it VERY personally. We measure our own suffering against another's...and often become convinced that we have somehow been "snubbed," because WE would have been much more worthy of some blessing it seems has been awarded to another.
As someone with self diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome who is also a follower of Yeshua (Jesus), regrettably, I spend a lot of time becoming angry with God for this very thing...not just other people. I feel much closer to God than I do to other people in general because I know that Yeshua understands these ongoing, internal struggles...whereas other people do not. And why should they? Oftentimes, a person whom I "project" this sort of anger towards...has no clue that I even feel that way. This is because I've not actually spoken to them about anything...the conflict is completely internal...and also completely my own problem. I've now put myself in a position where I'm needing empathy I cannot get, because the "others" involved...have no clue that they're even involved. In other words they don't know I'm feeling the way I do. Oftentimes I fear that my issues are so trivial and "out there" that anyone I tried to tell them to would never see the preverbal "knives" stabbing me from the inside. Either that, or they would just think they were totally ridiculous. (I mean, look at me...I'm wasting energy being angry at a woman I've never actually met before, because she's engaged...and I'm not. I literally think this makes me a terrible failure somehow. It does not. This is not true in the least. (Goodness sakes)!!
Being too embarrassed or afraid to talk about these irrational thought processes, leaves me to try and "hold it all in" somewhere. The inadequacy of something I can't control, continues to "stab" me from the inside and sometimes, something seems to "break." Suddenly, something that has nothing to do with what's going on inside, will "trigger" feelings of anger or depression. I often feel "two foot small" like John Lennon says in "Hide your love Away.". Speaking of marriage in general, the preverbal "ball of yarn" inside continues to unravel when I wonder why anyone would want to marry me...because I drive myself crazy and would probably drive him nuts as well. I am constantly mumbling under my breath because all these struggles somehow need to make their way out verbally...it's like releasing pressure so that the "volcano" on the inside does not erupt. But this is another behavior that has cost me dearly. I mean, who wants to be around someone who (might be) mumbling about them or putting them down?
Okay, so, now my "child of God," nip it in the bud mentallity is taking over, so here we go... As it says in the 12 steps of recovery, "our thinking becomes distorted, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.". Is that what has happened here? Absolutely! I may become unreasonable inside, but I do not need to STAY that way. The Enemy's head is "crushed" when we praise God and we speak God's truth...so, guess what?...The TRUTH is, I'm an amazing woman who can attract people like a magnate. The TRUTH is, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me...and I've got that in writing (Philippians 4:13). This includes marriage! God is not going to "call" me to such a thing and then not equip me to take it on. The problem comes when I decide that I have waited too long for something that I should've already obtained, and I expect the world at large out there to stop learning so that NO ONE learns any lessons, or gets any rewards that I did not get. Again, ridiculous, right? You bet! But when you're actually going through it and feeling crushed yourself under the weight, it's quite profound. Stop. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.". Waiting is not easy, and sometimes, it's the only way we can grow. If I choose to "sabotage" this process by holding grudges against people, my God that I serve will be patient enough to take me through the test again...but I can't get the time back.
I've learned personally that I need to choose to be happy for those that I would rather hold grudges against. The more I do not want to do this...the more I need to. This is the only thing that punches my pride in the stomach, and sets me free. The truth is, that many many times, I have allowed the pride to win. But the bigger truth is that the God I serve is bigger than any feelings of isolation I seem to be drowning in. To my future husband, wherever you are, I love you...and can't wait to meet you. My mind is crazy, and sometimes the things I say are too. But through it all, there is wisdom gained. God is... And there is hope.
Monday, February 2, 2015
I've Had It...
Duh?? But I thought...
OKAY, THIS is a rant, so just be warned, I need to vent. I really think I have COMPLETELY had it with people...I really do. Dating sites? No thank you. Facebook? Stupid because who's life is REALLY like that? My phone? I was about to smash it with a hammer because all it does is rattle and vibrate, and make this God awful noise like an angry buzzard flying overhead every time I get a message. Driving? In my case, it's safer not to, and I will always be sorry for that. Work? I don't have a job, and I have no way to get there anyway, so I guess, that's GOOD...right? Church? The church that I loved I now hate because I'm tired of people talking behind my back about things that profoundly affect me when they think I can't hear what they are saying. I cannot guarantee that I would want these things said to my face either, but where I come from, if you must talk about something that hurts someone, go ahead and be hypocritical: do it when that person is NOT around, because the pain is not worth it.
The expression "...say it to my face" can sometimes be a bunch a bullshit, because the truth is, I can't handle "the truth.". Fine. I get this...I accept it. So, if you got something to say that involves hurting me, do me a favor: GET COMPLETELY away from me first, and then say it behind my back. I don't care. This way I don't need to carry the burden of knowing what was said, or that it even went on...period. I can experience the "bliss" of ignorance, and just live my life. Don't bother "taking it outside"... because when I come walking outside and see you guys "shushing" each other and then huddling closer, whispering more softly... (Gee THAT doesn't look suspicious or anything!). Do not pray for me that I would receive clarity about a situation, and then sit there and whisper amongst each other about the very thing that's tearing me up inside while I'm still in the room. Does it dawn on you at all, that maybe this really isn't very NICE? I guess not.
Singles groups suck, and so do dating sites because all they do is give people false hope. In the end, you're left on your own with a bunch of hurt feelings and completely trampled vulnerability, because someone has given you every reason to believe that they were into you, and then they say. : "Oh, no, I'm sorry.". Or, they believe that your profound faith that makes you WHO YOU ARE, is nothing but a "buzz killer," and you're left feeling like World's biggest FOOL for your honesty. (I'm sorry...would you RATHER, I lied to you??). Asshole. All I wanna do is exactly, what I'm not supposed to do: just hide under a blanket, eating Oreos and milk, reading books, writing poetry and watching "Faerrie Tale Theatre.". But all these things, make me a pathetic little child who just won't grow up, and this is just, absolutely unconscionable...is that correct?
Who will want me? How could I ever be in a relationship? How will I ever hold down a job? HOW can I be an adult?? Ahhh, I see, so I guess I should work my ass off at a job I hate and then have no time or energy for myself, and I should watch all my money go down the tubes while I'm paying off a car, and bitching and moaning because gas is so expensive. I guess I should be up to my EYEBALLS in student debt, and not be able to sleep at night, all for the tremendous honor of an education that does nothing but dumb me down and KEEP me in school, so I can keep PAYING for school! I suppose I should keep going to a church where I feel sick to my stomach because people can't think to just get the hell outta there BEFORE they start talking behind my back. (Doesn't doing it right in FRONT of me completely defeat the purpose?).
Personally, I think cats have the right idea, they sleep all day, they rub your legs when they want food and they meow, so that everything else is at their command...rubbing, petting, scratching the ears...ahhh, yes indeed, they have it made! This sounds like a much better life than the one I've been kicking myself for not being ABLE to get so that other people would be interested in me!!! You know what, FUCK THAT!!!
I have HAD IT with wasting my energy trying to PROOVE myself to people who are never satisfied anyway. I have HAD IT with thinking that anyone else is ever gonna make me happy. It's. WAY easier just to make myself happy!! I have HAD IT with wishing I had a damn car. I'd much rather buy a bike, which I can pay for in one shot, get my butt out there and breathe some fresh air. Exhaust fumes aren't my thing, but feeling the sun on my shoulders is. :). I have HAD IT with thinking that NOT continuing my education was a terrible mistake. I have a COMPLETED Associate's degree...and I've completely paid off ALL my student debt. I sleep peacefully at night, I WIN!! I have HAD IT with feeling guilty for not going back to church (at least, the one I've been going to). The fact that I realize that I need to get away from the drama, the hurt that I have swallowed again and again so that no one ELSE is bothered by it. The fact that I realize that this needs to STOP, just proves that the GOD I serve has granted me perception and helped me make a choice to help myself. This is a GOOD thing!! On that same note, I will NOT HIDE my Christian faith because other people can't handle it. This is who I AM. Maybe you know that as long as you're around me, you can't accept YOU as YOU are! This is not my fault. I do apologize for any discomfort, but I have HAD IT, with taking guilt upon myself, and thinking I should "water down" my conscience so that others will accept me. NO! I'd hate myself in the end...and so would you. FUCK THAT!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a HUGE bowl of pasta, loaded with cheese and all my favorite things...and then I'm going to crawl under my blankets and savor it... feeling the sheets on my skin...and not giving a rat's ass HOW MANY calories are in it!! It's called: Truly ENJOYING myself.
OKAY, THIS is a rant, so just be warned, I need to vent. I really think I have COMPLETELY had it with people...I really do. Dating sites? No thank you. Facebook? Stupid because who's life is REALLY like that? My phone? I was about to smash it with a hammer because all it does is rattle and vibrate, and make this God awful noise like an angry buzzard flying overhead every time I get a message. Driving? In my case, it's safer not to, and I will always be sorry for that. Work? I don't have a job, and I have no way to get there anyway, so I guess, that's GOOD...right? Church? The church that I loved I now hate because I'm tired of people talking behind my back about things that profoundly affect me when they think I can't hear what they are saying. I cannot guarantee that I would want these things said to my face either, but where I come from, if you must talk about something that hurts someone, go ahead and be hypocritical: do it when that person is NOT around, because the pain is not worth it.
The expression "...say it to my face" can sometimes be a bunch a bullshit, because the truth is, I can't handle "the truth.". Fine. I get this...I accept it. So, if you got something to say that involves hurting me, do me a favor: GET COMPLETELY away from me first, and then say it behind my back. I don't care. This way I don't need to carry the burden of knowing what was said, or that it even went on...period. I can experience the "bliss" of ignorance, and just live my life. Don't bother "taking it outside"... because when I come walking outside and see you guys "shushing" each other and then huddling closer, whispering more softly... (Gee THAT doesn't look suspicious or anything!). Do not pray for me that I would receive clarity about a situation, and then sit there and whisper amongst each other about the very thing that's tearing me up inside while I'm still in the room. Does it dawn on you at all, that maybe this really isn't very NICE? I guess not.
Singles groups suck, and so do dating sites because all they do is give people false hope. In the end, you're left on your own with a bunch of hurt feelings and completely trampled vulnerability, because someone has given you every reason to believe that they were into you, and then they say. : "Oh, no, I'm sorry.". Or, they believe that your profound faith that makes you WHO YOU ARE, is nothing but a "buzz killer," and you're left feeling like World's biggest FOOL for your honesty. (I'm sorry...would you RATHER, I lied to you??). Asshole. All I wanna do is exactly, what I'm not supposed to do: just hide under a blanket, eating Oreos and milk, reading books, writing poetry and watching "Faerrie Tale Theatre.". But all these things, make me a pathetic little child who just won't grow up, and this is just, absolutely unconscionable...is that correct?
Who will want me? How could I ever be in a relationship? How will I ever hold down a job? HOW can I be an adult?? Ahhh, I see, so I guess I should work my ass off at a job I hate and then have no time or energy for myself, and I should watch all my money go down the tubes while I'm paying off a car, and bitching and moaning because gas is so expensive. I guess I should be up to my EYEBALLS in student debt, and not be able to sleep at night, all for the tremendous honor of an education that does nothing but dumb me down and KEEP me in school, so I can keep PAYING for school! I suppose I should keep going to a church where I feel sick to my stomach because people can't think to just get the hell outta there BEFORE they start talking behind my back. (Doesn't doing it right in FRONT of me completely defeat the purpose?).
Personally, I think cats have the right idea, they sleep all day, they rub your legs when they want food and they meow, so that everything else is at their command...rubbing, petting, scratching the ears...ahhh, yes indeed, they have it made! This sounds like a much better life than the one I've been kicking myself for not being ABLE to get so that other people would be interested in me!!! You know what, FUCK THAT!!!
I have HAD IT with wasting my energy trying to PROOVE myself to people who are never satisfied anyway. I have HAD IT with thinking that anyone else is ever gonna make me happy. It's. WAY easier just to make myself happy!! I have HAD IT with wishing I had a damn car. I'd much rather buy a bike, which I can pay for in one shot, get my butt out there and breathe some fresh air. Exhaust fumes aren't my thing, but feeling the sun on my shoulders is. :). I have HAD IT with thinking that NOT continuing my education was a terrible mistake. I have a COMPLETED Associate's degree...and I've completely paid off ALL my student debt. I sleep peacefully at night, I WIN!! I have HAD IT with feeling guilty for not going back to church (at least, the one I've been going to). The fact that I realize that I need to get away from the drama, the hurt that I have swallowed again and again so that no one ELSE is bothered by it. The fact that I realize that this needs to STOP, just proves that the GOD I serve has granted me perception and helped me make a choice to help myself. This is a GOOD thing!! On that same note, I will NOT HIDE my Christian faith because other people can't handle it. This is who I AM. Maybe you know that as long as you're around me, you can't accept YOU as YOU are! This is not my fault. I do apologize for any discomfort, but I have HAD IT, with taking guilt upon myself, and thinking I should "water down" my conscience so that others will accept me. NO! I'd hate myself in the end...and so would you. FUCK THAT!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a HUGE bowl of pasta, loaded with cheese and all my favorite things...and then I'm going to crawl under my blankets and savor it... feeling the sheets on my skin...and not giving a rat's ass HOW MANY calories are in it!! It's called: Truly ENJOYING myself.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Steps
Duh?? But I thought...
Autistic people take their time. We work alone, and we prefer the world in our head to the real one at large. We like to slowly savor details often deemed unimportant by others. Don't rush us. This usually is not a good idea. We take as much or more joy in thinking and planning the process of accomplishing a task as we do the task itself. Because of the way we process information, it might take us ten steps to do the same thing that someone else does in five. We simply work things out in a "longer" way, and we will go over multiple steps several times in our heads when we feel that things are missing.
This long string of details and observances must be gone through and analyzed. When this can't happen (because we're late, for example), we feel as though something in the universe is out of alignment. We must fix it! Many well meaning friends and family have tried to show me esker ways of doing mundane things, in order to save time and effort. Unfortunately, this will only serve to take away my "reward" for reaching the intended goal, and doing it...MYSELF! :)
Believe it or not, when we are allowed to take our time and figure something out on our own, it creates a sense of power and strength in us that gives us confidence. The difficulties come when those around us, circumvent or take away that process by "showing us an easier way" or needing us to hurry up, or making us feel as though we are doing things "the hard way.". A process that might be "the hard way" to a neuro-typical might be absolutely necessary to an Autistic person's sense of completeness. Sometimes, we need to be allowed to struggle through things so that we can gain the victory when we figure it out. SOMETIMES, though we look like we are struggling, we are not at all...we're just fixated on a thought or process and we like being so. We like to contemplate...and think deeply. Often, when this process is "disturbed"... so are we. We get very upset, and sometimes have meltdowns. Many times,, we feel as though something has been broken because someone else's business seemed to get in the way. We can come across as co sited or uncaring, and those around us often may have no idea why. Try to be patient with us. It can be frustrating making a huge deal out of seemingly minor details but sometimes we just can't help it. :)
Autistic people take their time. We work alone, and we prefer the world in our head to the real one at large. We like to slowly savor details often deemed unimportant by others. Don't rush us. This usually is not a good idea. We take as much or more joy in thinking and planning the process of accomplishing a task as we do the task itself. Because of the way we process information, it might take us ten steps to do the same thing that someone else does in five. We simply work things out in a "longer" way, and we will go over multiple steps several times in our heads when we feel that things are missing.
This long string of details and observances must be gone through and analyzed. When this can't happen (because we're late, for example), we feel as though something in the universe is out of alignment. We must fix it! Many well meaning friends and family have tried to show me esker ways of doing mundane things, in order to save time and effort. Unfortunately, this will only serve to take away my "reward" for reaching the intended goal, and doing it...MYSELF! :)
Believe it or not, when we are allowed to take our time and figure something out on our own, it creates a sense of power and strength in us that gives us confidence. The difficulties come when those around us, circumvent or take away that process by "showing us an easier way" or needing us to hurry up, or making us feel as though we are doing things "the hard way.". A process that might be "the hard way" to a neuro-typical might be absolutely necessary to an Autistic person's sense of completeness. Sometimes, we need to be allowed to struggle through things so that we can gain the victory when we figure it out. SOMETIMES, though we look like we are struggling, we are not at all...we're just fixated on a thought or process and we like being so. We like to contemplate...and think deeply. Often, when this process is "disturbed"... so are we. We get very upset, and sometimes have meltdowns. Many times,, we feel as though something has been broken because someone else's business seemed to get in the way. We can come across as co sited or uncaring, and those around us often may have no idea why. Try to be patient with us. It can be frustrating making a huge deal out of seemingly minor details but sometimes we just can't help it. :)
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Retard ...
Duh?? But I thought...
I find myself getting so angry over little things. I have a temper...it's true...and I hate it. Or do I? Sometimes I think I've had a bad temper so long, I just expect people to let me get away with it. What do I do? For instance, I absolutely hate being patronized or placated, and yet, I know that most of the time people must do both of these things when dealing with me because I'm so sensitive. Seems like every little thing hurts my feelings. I beat myself up inside because I can't seem to grow up. I drive myself crazy because I can't relax...it's ridiculous. I spend so much time talking through things that have already happened. (!!!). I make too big a deal out of everything.
I just told a family member that sometimes they just make me wanna scream...Ironic, considering this family member has every right to say that to ME. :). They said to me: "Talk about wanting to scream, I never know what I should say to you. So, I tell you what, I just won't say anything.". Poor thing. I don't make it easy on people. I actually dread people's silence more than I dread them yelling at me. I have an insatiable need for connection with people, but am so rigid in the ways I think about things that I push people away. I really try not to be, but it seems like this rigidity is the only thing that makes me feel safe. Again, this is ironic for someone who can't seem to handle even simple instructions from people. It's not a ritualistic, sort of OCD kind of thing. It's just that every instruction someone gives me, I have to make room for in my head. My brain, and everything else gets tired, and I can't process what people are saying to me. I snap at people, almost like someone is sticking me with a pin... Ouch! It's like there's a conveyor belt in my brain, and it's moving too slow. It's overloaded...even in simple things. I wonder all the time whether this means I'm retarded...literally.
This word, that we overuse to mean anything that's negative, actually just means "slow.". If you see the word "retard" on a piece of sheet music, it just means slow down, for example. Hmmmm. I just know I have to spend a lot of time having to "eat crow" because I've over-reacted to...anything...you name it. By the way, why do they say "eat crow"? I know what it MEANS, but what does putting a squawking black bird in your mouth have to do with admitting you're wrong, or apologizing, or taking back what you said about something?
I find myself getting so angry over little things. I have a temper...it's true...and I hate it. Or do I? Sometimes I think I've had a bad temper so long, I just expect people to let me get away with it. What do I do? For instance, I absolutely hate being patronized or placated, and yet, I know that most of the time people must do both of these things when dealing with me because I'm so sensitive. Seems like every little thing hurts my feelings. I beat myself up inside because I can't seem to grow up. I drive myself crazy because I can't relax...it's ridiculous. I spend so much time talking through things that have already happened. (!!!). I make too big a deal out of everything.
I just told a family member that sometimes they just make me wanna scream...Ironic, considering this family member has every right to say that to ME. :). They said to me: "Talk about wanting to scream, I never know what I should say to you. So, I tell you what, I just won't say anything.". Poor thing. I don't make it easy on people. I actually dread people's silence more than I dread them yelling at me. I have an insatiable need for connection with people, but am so rigid in the ways I think about things that I push people away. I really try not to be, but it seems like this rigidity is the only thing that makes me feel safe. Again, this is ironic for someone who can't seem to handle even simple instructions from people. It's not a ritualistic, sort of OCD kind of thing. It's just that every instruction someone gives me, I have to make room for in my head. My brain, and everything else gets tired, and I can't process what people are saying to me. I snap at people, almost like someone is sticking me with a pin... Ouch! It's like there's a conveyor belt in my brain, and it's moving too slow. It's overloaded...even in simple things. I wonder all the time whether this means I'm retarded...literally.
This word, that we overuse to mean anything that's negative, actually just means "slow.". If you see the word "retard" on a piece of sheet music, it just means slow down, for example. Hmmmm. I just know I have to spend a lot of time having to "eat crow" because I've over-reacted to...anything...you name it. By the way, why do they say "eat crow"? I know what it MEANS, but what does putting a squawking black bird in your mouth have to do with admitting you're wrong, or apologizing, or taking back what you said about something?
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