Duh?? But I thought...
Autistic people take their time. We work alone, and we prefer the world in our head to the real one at large. We like to slowly savor details often deemed unimportant by others. Don't rush us. This usually is not a good idea. We take as much or more joy in thinking and planning the process of accomplishing a task as we do the task itself. Because of the way we process information, it might take us ten steps to do the same thing that someone else does in five. We simply work things out in a "longer" way, and we will go over multiple steps several times in our heads when we feel that things are missing.
This long string of details and observances must be gone through and analyzed. When this can't happen (because we're late, for example), we feel as though something in the universe is out of alignment. We must fix it! Many well meaning friends and family have tried to show me esker ways of doing mundane things, in order to save time and effort. Unfortunately, this will only serve to take away my "reward" for reaching the intended goal, and doing it...MYSELF! :)
Believe it or not, when we are allowed to take our time and figure something out on our own, it creates a sense of power and strength in us that gives us confidence. The difficulties come when those around us, circumvent or take away that process by "showing us an easier way" or needing us to hurry up, or making us feel as though we are doing things "the hard way.". A process that might be "the hard way" to a neuro-typical might be absolutely necessary to an Autistic person's sense of completeness. Sometimes, we need to be allowed to struggle through things so that we can gain the victory when we figure it out. SOMETIMES, though we look like we are struggling, we are not at all...we're just fixated on a thought or process and we like being so. We like to contemplate...and think deeply. Often, when this process is "disturbed"... so are we. We get very upset, and sometimes have meltdowns. Many times,, we feel as though something has been broken because someone else's business seemed to get in the way. We can come across as co sited or uncaring, and those around us often may have no idea why. Try to be patient with us. It can be frustrating making a huge deal out of seemingly minor details but sometimes we just can't help it. :)
Friday, November 21, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Retard ...
Duh?? But I thought...
I find myself getting so angry over little things. I have a temper...it's true...and I hate it. Or do I? Sometimes I think I've had a bad temper so long, I just expect people to let me get away with it. What do I do? For instance, I absolutely hate being patronized or placated, and yet, I know that most of the time people must do both of these things when dealing with me because I'm so sensitive. Seems like every little thing hurts my feelings. I beat myself up inside because I can't seem to grow up. I drive myself crazy because I can't relax...it's ridiculous. I spend so much time talking through things that have already happened. (!!!). I make too big a deal out of everything.
I just told a family member that sometimes they just make me wanna scream...Ironic, considering this family member has every right to say that to ME. :). They said to me: "Talk about wanting to scream, I never know what I should say to you. So, I tell you what, I just won't say anything.". Poor thing. I don't make it easy on people. I actually dread people's silence more than I dread them yelling at me. I have an insatiable need for connection with people, but am so rigid in the ways I think about things that I push people away. I really try not to be, but it seems like this rigidity is the only thing that makes me feel safe. Again, this is ironic for someone who can't seem to handle even simple instructions from people. It's not a ritualistic, sort of OCD kind of thing. It's just that every instruction someone gives me, I have to make room for in my head. My brain, and everything else gets tired, and I can't process what people are saying to me. I snap at people, almost like someone is sticking me with a pin... Ouch! It's like there's a conveyor belt in my brain, and it's moving too slow. It's overloaded...even in simple things. I wonder all the time whether this means I'm retarded...literally.
This word, that we overuse to mean anything that's negative, actually just means "slow.". If you see the word "retard" on a piece of sheet music, it just means slow down, for example. Hmmmm. I just know I have to spend a lot of time having to "eat crow" because I've over-reacted to...anything...you name it. By the way, why do they say "eat crow"? I know what it MEANS, but what does putting a squawking black bird in your mouth have to do with admitting you're wrong, or apologizing, or taking back what you said about something?
I find myself getting so angry over little things. I have a temper...it's true...and I hate it. Or do I? Sometimes I think I've had a bad temper so long, I just expect people to let me get away with it. What do I do? For instance, I absolutely hate being patronized or placated, and yet, I know that most of the time people must do both of these things when dealing with me because I'm so sensitive. Seems like every little thing hurts my feelings. I beat myself up inside because I can't seem to grow up. I drive myself crazy because I can't relax...it's ridiculous. I spend so much time talking through things that have already happened. (!!!). I make too big a deal out of everything.
I just told a family member that sometimes they just make me wanna scream...Ironic, considering this family member has every right to say that to ME. :). They said to me: "Talk about wanting to scream, I never know what I should say to you. So, I tell you what, I just won't say anything.". Poor thing. I don't make it easy on people. I actually dread people's silence more than I dread them yelling at me. I have an insatiable need for connection with people, but am so rigid in the ways I think about things that I push people away. I really try not to be, but it seems like this rigidity is the only thing that makes me feel safe. Again, this is ironic for someone who can't seem to handle even simple instructions from people. It's not a ritualistic, sort of OCD kind of thing. It's just that every instruction someone gives me, I have to make room for in my head. My brain, and everything else gets tired, and I can't process what people are saying to me. I snap at people, almost like someone is sticking me with a pin... Ouch! It's like there's a conveyor belt in my brain, and it's moving too slow. It's overloaded...even in simple things. I wonder all the time whether this means I'm retarded...literally.
This word, that we overuse to mean anything that's negative, actually just means "slow.". If you see the word "retard" on a piece of sheet music, it just means slow down, for example. Hmmmm. I just know I have to spend a lot of time having to "eat crow" because I've over-reacted to...anything...you name it. By the way, why do they say "eat crow"? I know what it MEANS, but what does putting a squawking black bird in your mouth have to do with admitting you're wrong, or apologizing, or taking back what you said about something?
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Recovery
Duh?? But I thought...
Maybe this blog has a weird title because I feel weird. Anyway... I just read a blog post by Brant Hansen about "Mr. Spock" being in church, and growing up in church. In it, he describes wondering whether God had rejected him or something because he did not seem to be moved by church (experiences, music etc.) the way that those around him were. Wow. This got me wondering about something: when it comes to those with AS or Autism, how can someone else TELL when they are particularly moved or happy, or elated? For that matter, AS affects girls very differently than guys. Is it possible to be a female with AS and be over emotional and easily upset...even distraught over things? I wonder for two reasons: first of all, I don't seem to have trouble showing my emotions, in fact, with me...the opposite is true. My emotions hit me like an avalanche and sometimes it's very difficult for me to control their intensity. I sometimes have to separate myself from situations because my own emotions have wounded me to the point that I can't look normal anymore.
I don't know whether this happens to guys with AS as well, or not. I'm inclined to think that yes, it DOES...we just can't see it. I'll be honest: this...terrifies me. The fact is, I'm an emotional female. Now, I've said in this blog many times that I am only a self diagnosed Aspie, which, for me, just makes things more confusing. When I first began looking into AS (Suspecting that I MAY have it), I did not realize that I was looking at the symptoms for GUYS...not for girls. So, at times, I'd worry because I'd see huge inconsistencies between my behavior and "the list" I'd be looking at. Then I read that AS affects women differently, and began looking at lists of FEMALE AS traits... (BOING!!!). Man, did God turn the light on! I fit almost all of them to a tea! Even things that I'd been struggling with, like forever, but never told anyone because somehow I knew they'd never understand. Memory like an elephant: check. Gets lost in her own little world: check. Tends to bond with those older or younger than she is, rather than her "peers": Check. The list goes on and on...but as I said, the list of traits for AS in guys terrified me. Not to put myself on a pedestal, but my reasoning went like this: at least I know how to show someone that something's wrong.
In other words, a guy with AS can be completely ELATED by something and no one around him even knows it, is that right? Don't worry guys, I'm on YOUR side here; I'm just trying to get a feel (yes, there's a pun there) for how others might recognize the way guys with AS really feel about things. Remember in "Dead Poet's Society," when Niel said: "You look about as stirred up as a cesspool."? Forgive the harsh analogy guys, but is this true? If so, how can others see through that and know that you really are rather emotional about something? Would you tell us? Or might it not occur to you to say something about it? (Which is understandable). And how does this work specifically in the area of pursuit between guys and girls? Can a guy with AS be absolutely nuts about a girl, and be unable to give her any indication of that? I would imagine that if this is difficult for NT guys, it would be another story altogether for guys with AS! (I'm just sayin!). I once heard James Dobson say that a guy can't truly respect a girl if he does not feel like he has won and conquered her. In other words, if she does all the work for him, then he doesn't respect her. Is this also true for men who have AS? I would imagine so, but say a guy with AS really liked a girl, and he had no idea how to show her or tell her? What if he's "moved" by her greatly, but she has no indication of that?
I don't know...maybe, just like NT guys, if he knew he liked her he would do something about her...end of story. But when you reason things differently, and maybe, what you want to convey does not show itself...what then? Perhaps I'm making too big a deal about this. As a Christian, God really is the only one who makes any sense to me. The rest seems to be a jumbled mess I have to wade through. But in honesty, it breaks my heart that things like emotions or being particularly "moved" by something would be just a huge bother to anyone (guy or girl). Music moves me...deeply, for example. Now, granted, it depends on what music it is! Some music only moves me to turn the radio off! We respond to different things don't we? It's just that personally, I could never imagine MUSIC being this bothersome thing that someone needs to recover from. Furthermore, how does someone who's particularly emotional NOT take that personally? (Why can't you just like it because I enjoy it?...that sorta thing.). How does one learn to bond with someone who may not be able to share their interests because often these interests feel like something they need to recover from?
I've never been particularly concerned about comments... But I feel that for this entry they would be helpful! :) :). Thanks! :)
Maybe this blog has a weird title because I feel weird. Anyway... I just read a blog post by Brant Hansen about "Mr. Spock" being in church, and growing up in church. In it, he describes wondering whether God had rejected him or something because he did not seem to be moved by church (experiences, music etc.) the way that those around him were. Wow. This got me wondering about something: when it comes to those with AS or Autism, how can someone else TELL when they are particularly moved or happy, or elated? For that matter, AS affects girls very differently than guys. Is it possible to be a female with AS and be over emotional and easily upset...even distraught over things? I wonder for two reasons: first of all, I don't seem to have trouble showing my emotions, in fact, with me...the opposite is true. My emotions hit me like an avalanche and sometimes it's very difficult for me to control their intensity. I sometimes have to separate myself from situations because my own emotions have wounded me to the point that I can't look normal anymore.
I don't know whether this happens to guys with AS as well, or not. I'm inclined to think that yes, it DOES...we just can't see it. I'll be honest: this...terrifies me. The fact is, I'm an emotional female. Now, I've said in this blog many times that I am only a self diagnosed Aspie, which, for me, just makes things more confusing. When I first began looking into AS (Suspecting that I MAY have it), I did not realize that I was looking at the symptoms for GUYS...not for girls. So, at times, I'd worry because I'd see huge inconsistencies between my behavior and "the list" I'd be looking at. Then I read that AS affects women differently, and began looking at lists of FEMALE AS traits... (BOING!!!). Man, did God turn the light on! I fit almost all of them to a tea! Even things that I'd been struggling with, like forever, but never told anyone because somehow I knew they'd never understand. Memory like an elephant: check. Gets lost in her own little world: check. Tends to bond with those older or younger than she is, rather than her "peers": Check. The list goes on and on...but as I said, the list of traits for AS in guys terrified me. Not to put myself on a pedestal, but my reasoning went like this: at least I know how to show someone that something's wrong.
In other words, a guy with AS can be completely ELATED by something and no one around him even knows it, is that right? Don't worry guys, I'm on YOUR side here; I'm just trying to get a feel (yes, there's a pun there) for how others might recognize the way guys with AS really feel about things. Remember in "Dead Poet's Society," when Niel said: "You look about as stirred up as a cesspool."? Forgive the harsh analogy guys, but is this true? If so, how can others see through that and know that you really are rather emotional about something? Would you tell us? Or might it not occur to you to say something about it? (Which is understandable). And how does this work specifically in the area of pursuit between guys and girls? Can a guy with AS be absolutely nuts about a girl, and be unable to give her any indication of that? I would imagine that if this is difficult for NT guys, it would be another story altogether for guys with AS! (I'm just sayin!). I once heard James Dobson say that a guy can't truly respect a girl if he does not feel like he has won and conquered her. In other words, if she does all the work for him, then he doesn't respect her. Is this also true for men who have AS? I would imagine so, but say a guy with AS really liked a girl, and he had no idea how to show her or tell her? What if he's "moved" by her greatly, but she has no indication of that?
I don't know...maybe, just like NT guys, if he knew he liked her he would do something about her...end of story. But when you reason things differently, and maybe, what you want to convey does not show itself...what then? Perhaps I'm making too big a deal about this. As a Christian, God really is the only one who makes any sense to me. The rest seems to be a jumbled mess I have to wade through. But in honesty, it breaks my heart that things like emotions or being particularly "moved" by something would be just a huge bother to anyone (guy or girl). Music moves me...deeply, for example. Now, granted, it depends on what music it is! Some music only moves me to turn the radio off! We respond to different things don't we? It's just that personally, I could never imagine MUSIC being this bothersome thing that someone needs to recover from. Furthermore, how does someone who's particularly emotional NOT take that personally? (Why can't you just like it because I enjoy it?...that sorta thing.). How does one learn to bond with someone who may not be able to share their interests because often these interests feel like something they need to recover from?
I've never been particularly concerned about comments... But I feel that for this entry they would be helpful! :) :). Thanks! :)
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Temper Temper
Duh?? But I thought...
Though I am not currently using Eharmony, and will not use it again, I have used it in the past, and one of the questions asks how often the person loses their temper. This is simply an unfair question because there is no way to answer it without turning someone off: "Hi, I think you should know, I lose my temper several times a day". Great way to get a date. The thing is, for most of us with AS, this is just a normal part of life. We lose our temper's several times a day because our overwhelming emotions are sorta like needles jabbing us from the inside. There is a constant avalanche... with nowhere for the flow to go. Our everyday life simply does not allow for these intense, emotional responses, so we are forced to continually "file them away" somewhere in our minds, with the persistent need to lay all the puzzle pieces out for each one, and "analyze" them at a later time.
Only when these "pieces" of each emotional response are spread out in front of us, studied, pieced together and then "covered" with the "balm" of a soothing solution, can we then erase that file, or "let it go," until the next "earthquake" of an event hits us (whether it good or bad). We do our best to appear calm, and in control...normal. But as more and more of these emotional responses get no TLC, something wears thin...and if you will...the "volcano" erupts. Something starts to fray and fall apart, and, we don't realize it, but the "filing cabinet" in our mind is full. At this point, heaven help the unsuspecting person who just asks a simple question or makes a request. It can actually be painful for us to slip this innocuous thing into our overloaded brains, and the needles jab us. We have outbursts. We are suddenly irritable and unreasonable. Our thinking is distorted. Though we look completely fine, it's like trying to stop a moving train with only our hand. We can't. We snap at people, raise our voices, slam doors. Sometimes we just give people what I call the Death Glare...our gaze seems to just shoot through people and cut them. We can also stay in the other room, looking at the floor, breathing heavily, and making as much noise as possible just waiting for someone to ask what's wrong so we can release the pressure.
So, we apologize a lot. We over-explain things and sometimes over dramatize. We become afraid that the unsuspecting "victim" of our outburst or tantrum is now angry with us with the same intensity. (And why shouldn't they be, in most cases?). But at the same time, we can't bear to think of anyone being that angry with us or disappointed in us. In most cases, they are not at all (at least I find this to be true). But we live with the lingering fear. The intensity of our emotions is amazing, when it's on the flip side. We are loyal to a fault, often doing the wrong thing for the right reason, if only to show a person that we truly care. We can't stand to see anyone hurt, and will walk through fire for total strangers.
Our righteous indignation goes right through to our bones, and we can't breathe until we've stood up for what is good, decent and fair. When something bad happens to someone else, we feel it, as though it were happening to us. It takes a while for us to feel comfortable with people, but once we are, we are loyal for life. Life lessons stick with us for ages, creating a safety net around us, and our memory stretches for miles. We can remember conversations from 20 years ago like they took place just yesterday. We love very deeply. Our feelings tend to be "turned up" by the events that go on around us. For some reason, we must use this stimuli to bring ourselves to life. This is a joy when we are elated and giddy and peaceful, and happy. But when angry, depressed, scared or nervous, we often feel we will collapse under the weight. We are often scared to death that those around us will decide that they no longer want to put up with us, and that we might be rejected by those we love. So, the subject of temper is one that can be very close to those of us with AS. Our tempers can be like sleeping giants that we are trying not to awaken. The best thing to do may be to pat us on the back, believe the best about us and tell us everything's okay.
Though I am not currently using Eharmony, and will not use it again, I have used it in the past, and one of the questions asks how often the person loses their temper. This is simply an unfair question because there is no way to answer it without turning someone off: "Hi, I think you should know, I lose my temper several times a day". Great way to get a date. The thing is, for most of us with AS, this is just a normal part of life. We lose our temper's several times a day because our overwhelming emotions are sorta like needles jabbing us from the inside. There is a constant avalanche... with nowhere for the flow to go. Our everyday life simply does not allow for these intense, emotional responses, so we are forced to continually "file them away" somewhere in our minds, with the persistent need to lay all the puzzle pieces out for each one, and "analyze" them at a later time.
Only when these "pieces" of each emotional response are spread out in front of us, studied, pieced together and then "covered" with the "balm" of a soothing solution, can we then erase that file, or "let it go," until the next "earthquake" of an event hits us (whether it good or bad). We do our best to appear calm, and in control...normal. But as more and more of these emotional responses get no TLC, something wears thin...and if you will...the "volcano" erupts. Something starts to fray and fall apart, and, we don't realize it, but the "filing cabinet" in our mind is full. At this point, heaven help the unsuspecting person who just asks a simple question or makes a request. It can actually be painful for us to slip this innocuous thing into our overloaded brains, and the needles jab us. We have outbursts. We are suddenly irritable and unreasonable. Our thinking is distorted. Though we look completely fine, it's like trying to stop a moving train with only our hand. We can't. We snap at people, raise our voices, slam doors. Sometimes we just give people what I call the Death Glare...our gaze seems to just shoot through people and cut them. We can also stay in the other room, looking at the floor, breathing heavily, and making as much noise as possible just waiting for someone to ask what's wrong so we can release the pressure.
So, we apologize a lot. We over-explain things and sometimes over dramatize. We become afraid that the unsuspecting "victim" of our outburst or tantrum is now angry with us with the same intensity. (And why shouldn't they be, in most cases?). But at the same time, we can't bear to think of anyone being that angry with us or disappointed in us. In most cases, they are not at all (at least I find this to be true). But we live with the lingering fear. The intensity of our emotions is amazing, when it's on the flip side. We are loyal to a fault, often doing the wrong thing for the right reason, if only to show a person that we truly care. We can't stand to see anyone hurt, and will walk through fire for total strangers.
Our righteous indignation goes right through to our bones, and we can't breathe until we've stood up for what is good, decent and fair. When something bad happens to someone else, we feel it, as though it were happening to us. It takes a while for us to feel comfortable with people, but once we are, we are loyal for life. Life lessons stick with us for ages, creating a safety net around us, and our memory stretches for miles. We can remember conversations from 20 years ago like they took place just yesterday. We love very deeply. Our feelings tend to be "turned up" by the events that go on around us. For some reason, we must use this stimuli to bring ourselves to life. This is a joy when we are elated and giddy and peaceful, and happy. But when angry, depressed, scared or nervous, we often feel we will collapse under the weight. We are often scared to death that those around us will decide that they no longer want to put up with us, and that we might be rejected by those we love. So, the subject of temper is one that can be very close to those of us with AS. Our tempers can be like sleeping giants that we are trying not to awaken. The best thing to do may be to pat us on the back, believe the best about us and tell us everything's okay.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Safe
Duh?? But I thought...
I think that when you have AS, the visions in your head mean safety; but often, the realities of everyday life do not. Females (in particular) with AS have a lot of challenges with "executive function," so I keep reading. I can't count how many times I've begun even the simplest of tasks, and had to stop because I felt as though I could not stretch my mind anymore. Many of the normal daily demands of a (typical) nuero-typical person make me rather tired, to put it quite simply. In my case I don't drive, for the same reasons...it exhausts me to the point of wanting to cry.
Anyway, not having the agility or stamina to do many physical things (or only do them for a short period) makes it a challenge, even to burn our own energy. For example I would run, but even a very short amount leaves me, really sore, short of breath and feeling like I'm hyper-ventilating. So, we become immersed in our very narrow interests (I think) because they stimulate us without requiring the many changes and transitions and unexpected adjustments of say, the average married person with children. Now, many with AS DO get married & they DO have children...and very successfully. I just find that one of my obsessions is conquering the the "fear" that I won't succeed at marriage. This has been quite confusing to me for a number of reasons.
First of all, love always happens when you are not looking for it. How can this happen when my obsession is to find it? This dream, this obsession, this hope...keeps me excited, keeps me going, breathes life into me... But it's only in my head. The realities of marriage by practical experience, I know not of. I can only dream of it, and try to fill my lack of experience with "knowledge" on the subject, but this does not sharpen my instinct for the "grey" areas of life. It only gives me the FEELING that this has happened.
Secondly, why does someone who prizes being alone and having solitude want to be with someone else so bad anyway? I've never been able to figure this out. Right now I have the solitude I love...I should be HAPPY. Here's the thing: the solitude continually refuels the visions in my head that I so desperately want to apply to real life...but I can't. I need another half (as they say) to do that. This is not because I'm not good enough on my own. The visions in my head have a man and woman in them. It's not just me. This leads me to feel that there is incompleteness in my life, period. I can't seem to help it. This is a state of mind that I continually feel guilty for because I'm supposed to let God fill that emptiness, and not need anyone, right? It does not go away because the quiet and "aloneness" fuel the visions in my head, which are beautiful, wonderful, and comforting, but not reality.
It is at this point that I realize that I must keep busy, get out there and do something in order to get my mind on something else. With no car, general anxiety and awkwardness in social situations, this also is quite a challenge. I feel strange and excluded. Pressured. It's as though I have to force a lot of akward exchanges where I didn't quite "get it" to some secret spot in my mind, and behave as though they do not bother me, just to get along with others. But they do bother me. It dawns on me, that when I'm alone, none of these akward social adjustments are necessary. I run back to my solitude, and the visions and dreams begin again. The ones of me being one of two, mean. They grow and change and flourish into a hope I can't explain...but this is not reality. The truth dawns on me again...that I cannot afford to stay in this frame of mind because as soothing as it is for a time, it's simply unrealistic.
Reluctantly, I return back to reality & try to be an adult again, making lists of groceries, and Bible verses and things I should do around the house. Sometimes these endeavors are accomplished (YES!!!), sometimes not. There is a hurt inside because I have "abandoned" the most precious hope in my life. I want it back! I can't have it back, because I must stay busy and productive, social awkwardness and the sinking feeling of "drop" that I try to ignore, a lingering presence. I then resolve that somehow, some way, I need to find some sort of middle ground, where my dreams of being a couple can flourish while the reality that it is so much better for me to be single can play itself out. I then enthusiastically set out on this journey to find that strange Shang gri La. It never happens.
I am always right between two realities pulling me in two opposite directions. My dreams drown me. Reality rescues me for a time, but then becomes depressing and unfulfilling, and I need to dream. Perhaps this is more "typical" than I realize. But no wonder marriage seems to some refuge from boredom! This is awful. I probably should not have even said thar. Never get married because you are bored, or you want to escape. The consequences are dyer (so I've always been told). I believe it. I just wish I could "stop," and know that there is no need for another reality. God's grace is sufficient.
I think that when you have AS, the visions in your head mean safety; but often, the realities of everyday life do not. Females (in particular) with AS have a lot of challenges with "executive function," so I keep reading. I can't count how many times I've begun even the simplest of tasks, and had to stop because I felt as though I could not stretch my mind anymore. Many of the normal daily demands of a (typical) nuero-typical person make me rather tired, to put it quite simply. In my case I don't drive, for the same reasons...it exhausts me to the point of wanting to cry.
Anyway, not having the agility or stamina to do many physical things (or only do them for a short period) makes it a challenge, even to burn our own energy. For example I would run, but even a very short amount leaves me, really sore, short of breath and feeling like I'm hyper-ventilating. So, we become immersed in our very narrow interests (I think) because they stimulate us without requiring the many changes and transitions and unexpected adjustments of say, the average married person with children. Now, many with AS DO get married & they DO have children...and very successfully. I just find that one of my obsessions is conquering the the "fear" that I won't succeed at marriage. This has been quite confusing to me for a number of reasons.
First of all, love always happens when you are not looking for it. How can this happen when my obsession is to find it? This dream, this obsession, this hope...keeps me excited, keeps me going, breathes life into me... But it's only in my head. The realities of marriage by practical experience, I know not of. I can only dream of it, and try to fill my lack of experience with "knowledge" on the subject, but this does not sharpen my instinct for the "grey" areas of life. It only gives me the FEELING that this has happened.
Secondly, why does someone who prizes being alone and having solitude want to be with someone else so bad anyway? I've never been able to figure this out. Right now I have the solitude I love...I should be HAPPY. Here's the thing: the solitude continually refuels the visions in my head that I so desperately want to apply to real life...but I can't. I need another half (as they say) to do that. This is not because I'm not good enough on my own. The visions in my head have a man and woman in them. It's not just me. This leads me to feel that there is incompleteness in my life, period. I can't seem to help it. This is a state of mind that I continually feel guilty for because I'm supposed to let God fill that emptiness, and not need anyone, right? It does not go away because the quiet and "aloneness" fuel the visions in my head, which are beautiful, wonderful, and comforting, but not reality.
It is at this point that I realize that I must keep busy, get out there and do something in order to get my mind on something else. With no car, general anxiety and awkwardness in social situations, this also is quite a challenge. I feel strange and excluded. Pressured. It's as though I have to force a lot of akward exchanges where I didn't quite "get it" to some secret spot in my mind, and behave as though they do not bother me, just to get along with others. But they do bother me. It dawns on me, that when I'm alone, none of these akward social adjustments are necessary. I run back to my solitude, and the visions and dreams begin again. The ones of me being one of two, mean. They grow and change and flourish into a hope I can't explain...but this is not reality. The truth dawns on me again...that I cannot afford to stay in this frame of mind because as soothing as it is for a time, it's simply unrealistic.
Reluctantly, I return back to reality & try to be an adult again, making lists of groceries, and Bible verses and things I should do around the house. Sometimes these endeavors are accomplished (YES!!!), sometimes not. There is a hurt inside because I have "abandoned" the most precious hope in my life. I want it back! I can't have it back, because I must stay busy and productive, social awkwardness and the sinking feeling of "drop" that I try to ignore, a lingering presence. I then resolve that somehow, some way, I need to find some sort of middle ground, where my dreams of being a couple can flourish while the reality that it is so much better for me to be single can play itself out. I then enthusiastically set out on this journey to find that strange Shang gri La. It never happens.
I am always right between two realities pulling me in two opposite directions. My dreams drown me. Reality rescues me for a time, but then becomes depressing and unfulfilling, and I need to dream. Perhaps this is more "typical" than I realize. But no wonder marriage seems to some refuge from boredom! This is awful. I probably should not have even said thar. Never get married because you are bored, or you want to escape. The consequences are dyer (so I've always been told). I believe it. I just wish I could "stop," and know that there is no need for another reality. God's grace is sufficient.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Unrealistic
Duh?? But I thought...
Sometimes we hold onto things for way too long, and even we don't understand why. I always wonder why my brain is wired this way. Why can't I just let things go? Interesting, because, if you believe in Jesus, like I do, then the "holding on" makes sense. I mean, my brain seems "wired" for this sorta thing. Somehow, I don't think it was EASY for the woman who'd been bleeding for 12 years to believe that she would still be healed (but she was!). It's obvious that Abraham and Sara second guessed themselves over & over about Isaac's birth, again and again. They were scared, I think that God must've told them something that they missed...and WHAT WAS IT??
Sometimes waiting is a lot harder than we bargain for. When it has hurt too long, we try to "force" a solution because we think we can't stand another minute of uncertainty. I had a friend that I decided I liked as more than a friend. I thought this friend liked me as more than a friend too, but then I figured out I was wrong. I believed I had a word from the Lord about him, just like some old Bible story from thousands of years ago. Now it seems that this belief has only made me a fool...which by the way, is ALSO consistent with Old Testament Bible stories. I'm sure Noah struggled with feeling foolish as people laughed & scoffed while he built this huge thing called...an ark (??). Course, then it began to rain! Had Noah held onto to his beliefs for too long? No. Because God did what he said he would. Now, from a human perspective, he was an absolute fool. Spent years building this Ark and gathering up all the animals they would need...not a drop of rain. No sign...no indication obvious to ANYONE ELSE that this man wasn't crazy. But Noah had God's word. God does not break his word! The thing is, no one else had the word that Noah did. It was Noah and God. That's it. That's. ENOUGH...but that was it.
This is a lonely walk. This too is not easy. We are all human. We falter, we doubt. We want to relate to other PEOPLE just like everyone else does. So, what happens when we have a word from the Lord, and those around us (bless their hearts) only want to protect us and help us get our head out of the clouds? This has to be discerned and listened to. Do we have our head in the clouds (as it were)? Are we being dishonest with ourselves or God? Are we believing the truth, or a lie? Have we made this up in our own heads & then SAID it was from God? All these questions will cause a struggle...which most likely will lead to guilt. I say this, because this is what has happened to me. What's with the striving? Why the struggle? Do I believe what God said or not? I think of Hannah. She knelt before the Lord in anguish, and could not say out loud what she was going through. It was too intense. She mouthed her words in silence, and Eli (the High Priest) thought she'd been drinking. Well, if you mean drinking in her own anguish...yes...I'd say she was. Eli believed her, and said "May the Lord grant your request."
Have you ever REALLY anguished over something? Maybe you felt it would break you in half, but found yourself stuffing it & holding it in? Maybe you knew others would not believe you. Maybe you're embarrassed because you know it will be too intense for those around you. Maybe you spend a great deal of time alone because that's the only way you can "feel" your feelings without offending anyone else. What makes it harder still, is that Aspies romanticize things. We see things VERY specifically in our minds and do not want that "picture" broken or changed. This is often mistaken for conceit and selfishness. Often we're not trying to be conceited. We'd rather think of it as unwavering and faithful. Somehow, I think Peter knew a great deal about this dilemma. Anyway, the fact is... We doubt...sometimes a lot easier than we expect that we will.
Am I believing God because I really do have a word about (someone) from Him, or am I being completely unrealistic because I'm holding onto something that is not true? You know, the irony is that the old testament Bible characters did ALL of these things...only the las part of that sentence was different. They DID believe in God because they really did have a word from Him. They WERE being completely unrealistic, because they were holding onto something that... WAS true! That's difference. But it did not feel, look or seem true. God seemed to have left the building, and those involved were usually desperate for Him to make an entrance. If the characters of the old testament had settled for being realistic, would any of them have been used by God in the powerful ways that they were? I don't think so, myself. They had to go out on a limb and be very brave, and keep believing when everything in them, told them not to.
Now, this is not to be mistaken with dishonesty. Sometimes we need to take an inventory of ourselves and make sure we're telling truth. But be assured today...God knows. He understands. He knows when we are embarrassed because we wonder if we know the truth from a lie anymore. He knows, when we don't want to leave, but it's getting harder and harder to stay (still) and you wonder if it's even worth it. Maybe you've thought for ages that it's time you accepted that God has something different for you...but you're too afraid to abandon the original instruction. Maybe you know that something just doesn't seem to add up...and you wish you knew what it was. He knows. He knows when you're lonely, and nothing you seem to fill your time with will blot out the one thing you're not sure about. He knows when you feel torn apart because you can't seem to just look to God, and even when you do...he's silent. Every old testament character went through this. It was a lonely walk for them. God knew it...and he knows it today. He knows when you can't take the counsel of even your closest friend's because it doesn't match what God is telling you. He hurts with you when you really believe he should tell someone else the thing that he's telling you so you're not alone...but it doesn't happen. He knows. He understands. He remembers. He's right there holding your hand, when you want to scream at him that you don't believe him anymore. (!!!).
My point is, that if you're kicking yourself right now because you believed very strongly in something that did not work out...it's okay. Forgive yourself. It's not your fault. I don't know whether you're supposed to keep believing or not, but don't punish yourself for not being "realistic.". Maybe this has become sorta like a mantra in your life that seems to chanted (if you will) by other people. "You're not being realistic.". It's been my experience that the God of the Bible never had much use for "realistic " people because the things that HE wanted to accomplish were so crazy! :). This characterizes my life, as a sentimental, enthusiastic, loyal to a fault, sensitive, curious Aspie, who often doesn't seem to have much use for the sensible things in life. I'm a dreamer, and I always will be. This is why God makes sense to me. True, a person can be sincere...but still be sincerely wrong...but don't kick yourself for being sincere. God Knows.
Sometimes we hold onto things for way too long, and even we don't understand why. I always wonder why my brain is wired this way. Why can't I just let things go? Interesting, because, if you believe in Jesus, like I do, then the "holding on" makes sense. I mean, my brain seems "wired" for this sorta thing. Somehow, I don't think it was EASY for the woman who'd been bleeding for 12 years to believe that she would still be healed (but she was!). It's obvious that Abraham and Sara second guessed themselves over & over about Isaac's birth, again and again. They were scared, I think that God must've told them something that they missed...and WHAT WAS IT??
Sometimes waiting is a lot harder than we bargain for. When it has hurt too long, we try to "force" a solution because we think we can't stand another minute of uncertainty. I had a friend that I decided I liked as more than a friend. I thought this friend liked me as more than a friend too, but then I figured out I was wrong. I believed I had a word from the Lord about him, just like some old Bible story from thousands of years ago. Now it seems that this belief has only made me a fool...which by the way, is ALSO consistent with Old Testament Bible stories. I'm sure Noah struggled with feeling foolish as people laughed & scoffed while he built this huge thing called...an ark (??). Course, then it began to rain! Had Noah held onto to his beliefs for too long? No. Because God did what he said he would. Now, from a human perspective, he was an absolute fool. Spent years building this Ark and gathering up all the animals they would need...not a drop of rain. No sign...no indication obvious to ANYONE ELSE that this man wasn't crazy. But Noah had God's word. God does not break his word! The thing is, no one else had the word that Noah did. It was Noah and God. That's it. That's. ENOUGH...but that was it.
This is a lonely walk. This too is not easy. We are all human. We falter, we doubt. We want to relate to other PEOPLE just like everyone else does. So, what happens when we have a word from the Lord, and those around us (bless their hearts) only want to protect us and help us get our head out of the clouds? This has to be discerned and listened to. Do we have our head in the clouds (as it were)? Are we being dishonest with ourselves or God? Are we believing the truth, or a lie? Have we made this up in our own heads & then SAID it was from God? All these questions will cause a struggle...which most likely will lead to guilt. I say this, because this is what has happened to me. What's with the striving? Why the struggle? Do I believe what God said or not? I think of Hannah. She knelt before the Lord in anguish, and could not say out loud what she was going through. It was too intense. She mouthed her words in silence, and Eli (the High Priest) thought she'd been drinking. Well, if you mean drinking in her own anguish...yes...I'd say she was. Eli believed her, and said "May the Lord grant your request."
Have you ever REALLY anguished over something? Maybe you felt it would break you in half, but found yourself stuffing it & holding it in? Maybe you knew others would not believe you. Maybe you're embarrassed because you know it will be too intense for those around you. Maybe you spend a great deal of time alone because that's the only way you can "feel" your feelings without offending anyone else. What makes it harder still, is that Aspies romanticize things. We see things VERY specifically in our minds and do not want that "picture" broken or changed. This is often mistaken for conceit and selfishness. Often we're not trying to be conceited. We'd rather think of it as unwavering and faithful. Somehow, I think Peter knew a great deal about this dilemma. Anyway, the fact is... We doubt...sometimes a lot easier than we expect that we will.
Am I believing God because I really do have a word about (someone) from Him, or am I being completely unrealistic because I'm holding onto something that is not true? You know, the irony is that the old testament Bible characters did ALL of these things...only the las part of that sentence was different. They DID believe in God because they really did have a word from Him. They WERE being completely unrealistic, because they were holding onto something that... WAS true! That's difference. But it did not feel, look or seem true. God seemed to have left the building, and those involved were usually desperate for Him to make an entrance. If the characters of the old testament had settled for being realistic, would any of them have been used by God in the powerful ways that they were? I don't think so, myself. They had to go out on a limb and be very brave, and keep believing when everything in them, told them not to.
Now, this is not to be mistaken with dishonesty. Sometimes we need to take an inventory of ourselves and make sure we're telling truth. But be assured today...God knows. He understands. He knows when we are embarrassed because we wonder if we know the truth from a lie anymore. He knows, when we don't want to leave, but it's getting harder and harder to stay (still) and you wonder if it's even worth it. Maybe you've thought for ages that it's time you accepted that God has something different for you...but you're too afraid to abandon the original instruction. Maybe you know that something just doesn't seem to add up...and you wish you knew what it was. He knows. He knows when you're lonely, and nothing you seem to fill your time with will blot out the one thing you're not sure about. He knows when you feel torn apart because you can't seem to just look to God, and even when you do...he's silent. Every old testament character went through this. It was a lonely walk for them. God knew it...and he knows it today. He knows when you can't take the counsel of even your closest friend's because it doesn't match what God is telling you. He hurts with you when you really believe he should tell someone else the thing that he's telling you so you're not alone...but it doesn't happen. He knows. He understands. He remembers. He's right there holding your hand, when you want to scream at him that you don't believe him anymore. (!!!).
My point is, that if you're kicking yourself right now because you believed very strongly in something that did not work out...it's okay. Forgive yourself. It's not your fault. I don't know whether you're supposed to keep believing or not, but don't punish yourself for not being "realistic.". Maybe this has become sorta like a mantra in your life that seems to chanted (if you will) by other people. "You're not being realistic.". It's been my experience that the God of the Bible never had much use for "realistic " people because the things that HE wanted to accomplish were so crazy! :). This characterizes my life, as a sentimental, enthusiastic, loyal to a fault, sensitive, curious Aspie, who often doesn't seem to have much use for the sensible things in life. I'm a dreamer, and I always will be. This is why God makes sense to me. True, a person can be sincere...but still be sincerely wrong...but don't kick yourself for being sincere. God Knows.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Autistics Rejoice! :)
Duh?? But I thought...
.I was just thinking, I have found what I think is a huge blessing from having AS.
This got me to thinking about some of the major stereo types surrounding AS and what can be done to help deal with the negativity. I am not a doctor. These are my opinions based on my own experiences. This does not apply to everyone with AS. These are general observations...some written in the first person, some written to Autistics in general. Note: absolutely NO disrespect intended towards those who are not Autistic. I'm only trying to take some of the stereotypes of autism and turn them on their head! :)
The blessing is...
Learning to just roll with it. No no, I'm serious. I think when we have AS we can learn to just roll with it, even better than someone who doesn't have it. I find that for me personally, I know that I need a lot of assistance doing even little things that test my fine motor skills. Too many directions at once are confusing for me, things like that. Whether I like it or not, I've had to learn to be dependent on others in ways that maybe I'd rather not. But there are actually several pros to this:
Now, what makes AS tough, is that, for one thing, we often explain things "inside out" and then have to turn them around. (Like I just did). Did you catch that? I said there are several PROS to this & then pointed out what makes AS tough.
Sometimes, it's harder to allow people to help us than it is to keep on being fiercely independent. I've come to believe that it can be our independence on others that can help us form relationships with people. Since those with AS have many challenges when it comes to relationships, this need to accept others help can be a doorway of opportunity that helps US, rather than a huge burden that needs correcting.
1. So many people struggle with being stressed out & having too much to do, so many times many NT's just wish they knew how to back off and do less...not take on so much. With AS, this is built in...it's almost like we're born with it. We generally HAVE to bite things off in small pieces and know where our limits are... Because we often don't have much energy to begin with. This does not have to be a strike against us. In fact, it can be an amazing gift because we know our time is precious...and we are "forced" to give ourselves more options in spending it. That's just the way it is. We just can't do things the same way all the time...especially if we're women. This often means we cultivate amazing courage because yes, we are...swimming against the tide. Now, this sounds like a total paradox, doesn't it? Aren't Autistics very ritualistic? Don't they HAVE to do things the same way every time? Depends on the person. Some do...that's true. But personally, I find that a solution can be to... sit back and relax. Okay, so I can't handle very much at one time. I have something built in that allows me to rest more. Granted, many times, there is too much to do, and I don't have the energy to do it. Everybody has this issue. Just that those with AS can be much more aware of it, because our systems tell us...amen? So, we get to be excellent managers of the energy and time that we do have. This is an excellent skill to have.
2. I'm not afraid of boredom. Do I like being bored? Of course not. In fact, this drives me nuts...BUT, it forces me to just "chill out.". Hey, why keep fighting with it? Yeah, I struggle with restlessness, but most of the time, this is because I'm afraid that my life won't be exciting enough for OTHER people...not for me. The truth is...it takes very very little to make me happy. So little in fact, that I'm afraid others won't think I'm interesting; or even worse...that I'm lazy and I don't care. This let's me know that when I'm bored, it's easy to remedy.
3. This leads me to number three. I don't need a lot of attention. In fact, many times, the less attention I have from others, the better, because this gives me a peace... No pressure. Just me, and my thoughts and ideas. My mind is free to go at its own pace. I don't struggle with being out of step because there's no one to be in step with. This doesn't have to be depressing, it can be very freeing.
(on the other hand, this changes drastically when I am forced to be sociable and do things with other people. I'm like the one little mushroom in "Fantasia" who's trying to do the same dance as the others, and can't. I'm hurried and nervous, and overwhelmed with directions. This interaction is often unnerving for me.
4. I absolutely can be IN THE MOMENT. A stereo type about AS is that we can't be in the moment because we have to have everything planned. Wrong. Aspies want to have things planed so that they know when they are FREE to be in the moment. It's our freedom we're after...not some rigid thing that never changes. The problem for us can come when others insist on taking us OUT of the moment...because of all their plans. (okay, we have to go do this now). The moment that it takes others to tell me some joke that I don't understand, is likely a moment that I WAS enjoying in my own way. In fact, I WAS so in the moment, that now, I'm really upset because I think the moment's been stolen from me, due to social pressure. I can't count the number of times when I have been truly grieved because in about 60 seconds, I had the perfect peace of mind, and the perfect thoughts. All of this is abruptly shattered because someone (bless their heart) decides to ask me how I'm doing. How could this possibly be as important as the beauty I'm seeing in my own mind?
5. We have long, long memories. We store our moments up...and we can remember them years later, as though they just happened. We can also connect things to seemingly random memories...years later. It's like our brains are huge filing cabinets, and we know what's in each file and can pull it up at any time. This may seem useless and not related to a thing, but, we can make room in our heads for things that many people don't have room for. Our biggest heart ache can be that the business of life doesn't leave us much room to do this.
6. This leads me to another HUGE stereotype. That people with AS are sort of on "auto pilot" all the time because they don't handle change well. Wrong. In my opinion. Many of the things that people must do in order to deal with daily life REQUIRE them to be on auto-pilot a lot of the time because they have to be. Autistic people suffer a lot of frustration because we are actually wanting desperately to break OUT of this pattern...not get into it because we can't handle change. We LOVE change...we LOVE exciting and new things...we just don't handle OTHER PEOPLE'S change well, because we then have to get into another person's... auto-pilot. In other words. This is their normalcy, this is what THEY are used to. This is THEIR routine. It's a reasoning process. We have to take things...even little things and make them our OWN before we are comfortable doing them. It is not change that does not allow people to do this...it's the need of others that we do things the same way every time...and be on "auto pilot". So many times, life just REQUIRES this of us...I get that. But I truly believe that many Autistics struggle terribly because of "routines" put in place by social norms that they are not allowed to break out of. So guess what? This means WE have a wonderful ability to be FLEXIBLE!!! I think the truly difficult part is that so much of the everyday, Neuro-typical world, is not able to allow for
6. I know exactly what I want. Believe it or not, my simplified life makes this very easy for me. I know exactly what I want when it comes to what I eat and drink, what I wear, my hair, my make-up and many other personal preferences. The stereo-type is that autistic people have trouble making decisions. We do? Umm, no...I usually want the same thing (most of the time)because I already know what works for me & what doesn't. What's indecisive about that? The problem comes because of all the excess information and choices an autistic person must "wade" through that have NOTHING to do with what they actually WANT. An autistic person only wants ONE thing...MAYBE two...and that's it. Simple. We'd rather not have the "sea" of choices we are often presented with. We've often made a decision long before we're actually faced with it...even with mundane things. Why should we be faulted when, despite only needing one option, we were presented with... way too many? Less is definitely more!
I know that sometimes, my mind becomes rather gloomy because delving into Autism, and everything that it seems to be...makes me feel less than. I know I'm NOT "less than" but it can be easy to get lost in overwhelming weakness and uncertainty. What can you do? Embrace yourself for who you are. Be as patient as you can with others, and know that you're just fine :)
.I was just thinking, I have found what I think is a huge blessing from having AS.
This got me to thinking about some of the major stereo types surrounding AS and what can be done to help deal with the negativity. I am not a doctor. These are my opinions based on my own experiences. This does not apply to everyone with AS. These are general observations...some written in the first person, some written to Autistics in general. Note: absolutely NO disrespect intended towards those who are not Autistic. I'm only trying to take some of the stereotypes of autism and turn them on their head! :)
The blessing is...
Learning to just roll with it. No no, I'm serious. I think when we have AS we can learn to just roll with it, even better than someone who doesn't have it. I find that for me personally, I know that I need a lot of assistance doing even little things that test my fine motor skills. Too many directions at once are confusing for me, things like that. Whether I like it or not, I've had to learn to be dependent on others in ways that maybe I'd rather not. But there are actually several pros to this:
Now, what makes AS tough, is that, for one thing, we often explain things "inside out" and then have to turn them around. (Like I just did). Did you catch that? I said there are several PROS to this & then pointed out what makes AS tough.
Sometimes, it's harder to allow people to help us than it is to keep on being fiercely independent. I've come to believe that it can be our independence on others that can help us form relationships with people. Since those with AS have many challenges when it comes to relationships, this need to accept others help can be a doorway of opportunity that helps US, rather than a huge burden that needs correcting.
1. So many people struggle with being stressed out & having too much to do, so many times many NT's just wish they knew how to back off and do less...not take on so much. With AS, this is built in...it's almost like we're born with it. We generally HAVE to bite things off in small pieces and know where our limits are... Because we often don't have much energy to begin with. This does not have to be a strike against us. In fact, it can be an amazing gift because we know our time is precious...and we are "forced" to give ourselves more options in spending it. That's just the way it is. We just can't do things the same way all the time...especially if we're women. This often means we cultivate amazing courage because yes, we are...swimming against the tide. Now, this sounds like a total paradox, doesn't it? Aren't Autistics very ritualistic? Don't they HAVE to do things the same way every time? Depends on the person. Some do...that's true. But personally, I find that a solution can be to... sit back and relax. Okay, so I can't handle very much at one time. I have something built in that allows me to rest more. Granted, many times, there is too much to do, and I don't have the energy to do it. Everybody has this issue. Just that those with AS can be much more aware of it, because our systems tell us...amen? So, we get to be excellent managers of the energy and time that we do have. This is an excellent skill to have.
2. I'm not afraid of boredom. Do I like being bored? Of course not. In fact, this drives me nuts...BUT, it forces me to just "chill out.". Hey, why keep fighting with it? Yeah, I struggle with restlessness, but most of the time, this is because I'm afraid that my life won't be exciting enough for OTHER people...not for me. The truth is...it takes very very little to make me happy. So little in fact, that I'm afraid others won't think I'm interesting; or even worse...that I'm lazy and I don't care. This let's me know that when I'm bored, it's easy to remedy.
3. This leads me to number three. I don't need a lot of attention. In fact, many times, the less attention I have from others, the better, because this gives me a peace... No pressure. Just me, and my thoughts and ideas. My mind is free to go at its own pace. I don't struggle with being out of step because there's no one to be in step with. This doesn't have to be depressing, it can be very freeing.
(on the other hand, this changes drastically when I am forced to be sociable and do things with other people. I'm like the one little mushroom in "Fantasia" who's trying to do the same dance as the others, and can't. I'm hurried and nervous, and overwhelmed with directions. This interaction is often unnerving for me.
4. I absolutely can be IN THE MOMENT. A stereo type about AS is that we can't be in the moment because we have to have everything planned. Wrong. Aspies want to have things planed so that they know when they are FREE to be in the moment. It's our freedom we're after...not some rigid thing that never changes. The problem for us can come when others insist on taking us OUT of the moment...because of all their plans. (okay, we have to go do this now). The moment that it takes others to tell me some joke that I don't understand, is likely a moment that I WAS enjoying in my own way. In fact, I WAS so in the moment, that now, I'm really upset because I think the moment's been stolen from me, due to social pressure. I can't count the number of times when I have been truly grieved because in about 60 seconds, I had the perfect peace of mind, and the perfect thoughts. All of this is abruptly shattered because someone (bless their heart) decides to ask me how I'm doing. How could this possibly be as important as the beauty I'm seeing in my own mind?
5. We have long, long memories. We store our moments up...and we can remember them years later, as though they just happened. We can also connect things to seemingly random memories...years later. It's like our brains are huge filing cabinets, and we know what's in each file and can pull it up at any time. This may seem useless and not related to a thing, but, we can make room in our heads for things that many people don't have room for. Our biggest heart ache can be that the business of life doesn't leave us much room to do this.
6. This leads me to another HUGE stereotype. That people with AS are sort of on "auto pilot" all the time because they don't handle change well. Wrong. In my opinion. Many of the things that people must do in order to deal with daily life REQUIRE them to be on auto-pilot a lot of the time because they have to be. Autistic people suffer a lot of frustration because we are actually wanting desperately to break OUT of this pattern...not get into it because we can't handle change. We LOVE change...we LOVE exciting and new things...we just don't handle OTHER PEOPLE'S change well, because we then have to get into another person's... auto-pilot. In other words. This is their normalcy, this is what THEY are used to. This is THEIR routine. It's a reasoning process. We have to take things...even little things and make them our OWN before we are comfortable doing them. It is not change that does not allow people to do this...it's the need of others that we do things the same way every time...and be on "auto pilot". So many times, life just REQUIRES this of us...I get that. But I truly believe that many Autistics struggle terribly because of "routines" put in place by social norms that they are not allowed to break out of. So guess what? This means WE have a wonderful ability to be FLEXIBLE!!! I think the truly difficult part is that so much of the everyday, Neuro-typical world, is not able to allow for
6. I know exactly what I want. Believe it or not, my simplified life makes this very easy for me. I know exactly what I want when it comes to what I eat and drink, what I wear, my hair, my make-up and many other personal preferences. The stereo-type is that autistic people have trouble making decisions. We do? Umm, no...I usually want the same thing (most of the time)because I already know what works for me & what doesn't. What's indecisive about that? The problem comes because of all the excess information and choices an autistic person must "wade" through that have NOTHING to do with what they actually WANT. An autistic person only wants ONE thing...MAYBE two...and that's it. Simple. We'd rather not have the "sea" of choices we are often presented with. We've often made a decision long before we're actually faced with it...even with mundane things. Why should we be faulted when, despite only needing one option, we were presented with... way too many? Less is definitely more!
I know that sometimes, my mind becomes rather gloomy because delving into Autism, and everything that it seems to be...makes me feel less than. I know I'm NOT "less than" but it can be easy to get lost in overwhelming weakness and uncertainty. What can you do? Embrace yourself for who you are. Be as patient as you can with others, and know that you're just fine :)
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