Duh?? But I thought...
I seem to be PLAGUED with thoughts that I have to have it all figured out. I try to tell myself that nobody will ever have it all figured out...and I can let up on myself. But then my thoughts seem to get all jammed in my brain, like a computer that has too much information, and I find myself trying to figure everything all out again. I start out with all the experience I don't seem to have, and think that this MUST be a strike against me. So childlike...so seemingly unprotected. Does everyone go through that? But I have the God of this universe ruling my life...how can I be unprotected?
I don't know, but, it's as if I really want my daddy (little d), to literally hold my hand and walk me through everything in my life, keeping me safe so I don't fall...saying "Come on Sweetie, you can do it!". Does everybody want this? If I have a longing for this...am I less of an adult? Am I saying that God is not enough? I'm not trying to...but I always seem plagued with these thoughts.
To top it off, I've wanted to get married ever since I can remember...which in itself is not a BAD thing...but I constantly need to remember that no man could ever truly fulfill me. I need to let Yeshua do that. I seem plagued with this weird feeling that I'm trying to "put back" some missing piece. I don't know HOW the piece went missing to begin with, or WHY I keep needing to put it back...but so it is! Does everyone go through this? I don't know. I don't want to drive anyone crazy...but how is this possible when I drive myself crazy? They say love always happens when you're not looking for it. Well, okay, but how do I find it if I'm not looking for it? I need to let God find it for me...I've told myself SO many times. Do I not trust Him?...because I am having such a hard time with that!
So let's see, I can't stop looking for something that won't come unless I stop looking for it.
I can't stop longing for something that will never truly fulfill me anyway...so why do I keep going after it?
The longer it takes for this thing (love) to come to me, the more I wonder whether their must be something wrong with me...so I keep trying to figure it all out.
This wears me out, and I believe no one would want me (possibly) because I would drive them crazy. (Why not? I drive myself nuts).
Gee, am I being too negative? Just trying to be honest, but am I being too negative? That's a big no no. What happened to my confidence?...My belief in myself? My belief that God has just the right person for me? You'd think that this last thing...would cancel out everything else I just wrote. But unfortunately, it doesn't. Does everybody go through this? Is this normal?
No wonder I want to stick my head under the covers and not come out! If a guy does want me...how will I know about it? Will he tell me, or will he not say anything because he thinks I should already know? Will he be showing me like crazy and I just won't get it? (this would not surprise me). What happens when he finds out I've never even changed oil in a car? Anyway, if I'm supposed to be his helper, what does that make him to me? Is he my helper too? I don't know. Does everybody go through this? Is this normal?
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Over and Under
Duh?? But I thought...
I have never mowed a lawn or changed the oil in a car. I HAVE sung the Mahler (college Choir) and read Shelley's "The Sensitive Plant." Anyway, Autism affects people in varying ways. Obviously, we are not all genius savants who don't speak, and we are NOT all "Rainmain". These are stereotypes we have to deal with because for most people, that's the only image of Autism or AS that they have. No. But, oftentimes, we do struggle with being extreme over achievers and under achievers at the same time. For instance, I can recite every word to "Who's on First?,"(What was I saying about Rain Man?) but sometimes I have to write down directions to my own house. (Not for someone else...for ME). The way I understand humor is always "rooting for the good guy" even if the situation is bad. When I explain things, I often use movies because I can see the "scene" in my mind and that helps me form what I want to say. Sometimes, this is just much easier than trying to "relate my own experiences" as an example. I can do this...but usually it's just easier to let the "characters" go through it while I watch. Sound a bit bizarre? Yeah...to me too... But so it is.
I sometimes wonder if this is why so many people who perform (for a living or not), tend to be autistic...not always, of course...but just look up a list of celebrities with Autism and you'll see what I mean. In my opinion, we have an enternal fear that we can't seem to get rid of. It's rooted deep, and we secretly wonder (a lot) where it actually came from. We learn somewhere along the way that things bother us that don't seem to bother others. We can seem more timid, softer...more sensitive. The flip side of the coin, is that sometimes we are very happy- go-lucky, oblivious of danger, and we are able to "push our pleasure button" and let something make us really brave and confident. (More about pushing buttons later). But let's get back to achieving. Reading lists of symptoms for women who are autistic, I found out three things:
1. Women with autism will often pretend that their life is a movie, and everyone in their life is a character.
2. Women with autism often have imaginary friends growing up. We often pretend that there is an imaginary person always with us who walks with us and helps us through things we don't understand. They often will "translate" things people might tell us that we're unfamiliar with, or don't understand.
3. Women with autism often have difficulties with carrying out everyday tasks that are often thought to be pretty simple by others.
4.
As to the first one. I learned very early that actors show emotion through being someone else, AND they get to rehearse it and play with it and see what works and what does not...Yet in order to act well there has to be a high level of control. (Okay, some of that, I learned when I was older), but the point is...this means that depending on the role, a person can be totally OUT of control...but they can do it intentionally. They can do it...and control it...and well...because it's not even them...they are being someone else! Man! If only REAL LIFE worked like this!!!! So in our minds, we pretend our life is a movie being made and everything that happens to us is for the sake of that movie. So, when we lose it...it can be (we pretend) because our "character" was supposed to do that. (Therefore, didn't we perform well?). Later on, when (I) need to give a heartfelt apology, because (my) behavior was not right, my pretending that I'm acting and controlling my performance will make this more bearable, and I may not be so afraid.
2. Okay, I personally never had IMAGINARY friends growing up. My thought process was, if I'm imagining someone, I KNOW they're not real. Why would I do that? This seemed not logical to me. So, I took this idea a step further...mind you, this whole process just seemed "built in" to me...I just did it naturally because it helped me feel safe. I would pretend that people who had passed away were guiding me through my life, helping me and instructing me where I just had difficulties connecting with people in my life. Their spirits were with me. This, for me, worked, because, these people were real. They had actually lived at one time, and their eternal spirits still existed. They had real lives, real emotions, and also real spirits. There was also a mystical, mysterious element to it all because those spirits had to go somewhere...but they were not in the physical, obviously. So they could...transcend, time, space...whatever. This to me was amazing power! I was so limited, clumsy, scared...check! I was human. But if everyone else around me was just as human and fragile as I was, that meant that they would mess up too...besides no person could be with me every second. BUT...someone who'd gone on to be with G-d? THAT was another story!
3. You know when you hook up a DVD player or a VCR...those cables in the back that need to be twisted and turned? I've often been reduced to tears trying to figure out how to loosen them. When I sew (manually), it's usually crooked, but sewing machines are a difficulty for me because I'm watching this needle go really fast praying it doesn't hit my fingers, while pushing a pedal with my foot. This brings me to driving... My depth perception is terrible. Trying to "scan ahead" and read everything while moving that quickly is really challenging for me because my eyes don't work that quickly. I can see very well...but speed and accuracy together are really difficult for me...I usually have to choose one or the other.
I often have to "re-familiarize" myself with manual things I've done a million times: turning on the washing machine as opposed to the dryer. Putting the clean dishes away (again) and the silverware too, and putting everything in the right place. Can I do this? Of course; it isn't like I've forgotten these are my dishes, or my kitchen...it's not a memory lapse. So, what is it? I'm not sure how to explain it. It's trying to do the same thing, the same way every time, and not understanding why I can't. Why doesn't that pan fit there?: This is where it's supposed to go! What's THAT funny looking thing?...I didn't even know we had that; do we have a special place for that?
I'll do the same thing when I'm taking a bus somewhere or somebody's driving someplace. It might be months before I even realize that a certain business has moved out of a building...and then I can't remember what was in there before! Range of motion is weird thing for me. I was an adult before I mastered medicine bottles(either prescription or OTC): Push down and then twist...push down and then twist...go in the direction the arrows go...well, where are the arrows? I was also an adult before I was brave enough to light matches. I was petrified of them: How could I scrape something that will burn me...with my finger?!! Even today, I won't light those tiny matches in the match books, and I don't like lighters either. A striker is my best friend in this case. When it's lit my hand isn't anywhere near a flame! Yes! This makes sense to me. But I will light kitchen matches. I learned not to be (too) afraid of those. So, I do love candles, I can put a fire in a fire place (I might keep some water close by, just because), and I learned to get comfortable with gas stoves (although, I'veI've I've never actually had to light a burner before...all I had to do was turn them on...but I was afraid to use one, period...so this is a big deal.
When I was kid, the first time I was given sparklers on the 4th of July. I think I let four of them go out before I would even hold one! My dad kept lighting them, and well...I got the hang of it...but, it freaked me out at first. So, needless to say, I've learned to thank G-d for small victories. My major task for a day might be "fitting" my fitted sheet back on the bed...but this is a big deal. So when it comes to things like marriage, or having kids, or driving a car...let's say these are all things I haven't mastered. I'm a big fan of a personal best, and have to think positive, which are both good things. But I struggle all the time with feeling really over developed AND really under developed. I often worry that when I do get married, my husband might feel more like he's raising a child rather than building a life with a wife.
But it just so happens that all the women in my family have done "double duty" as parents. I've watched them handle pretty much everything on their own...with energy that I never thought a person could have. HOW in the world?... I don't know, but when I get married will my husband feel he's just married Loretta Lynn?? OK...I really don't think so... but how do I help him when sometimes I can barely help myself? I suppose one day I 'll find out...
I have never mowed a lawn or changed the oil in a car. I HAVE sung the Mahler (college Choir) and read Shelley's "The Sensitive Plant." Anyway, Autism affects people in varying ways. Obviously, we are not all genius savants who don't speak, and we are NOT all "Rainmain". These are stereotypes we have to deal with because for most people, that's the only image of Autism or AS that they have. No. But, oftentimes, we do struggle with being extreme over achievers and under achievers at the same time. For instance, I can recite every word to "Who's on First?,"(What was I saying about Rain Man?) but sometimes I have to write down directions to my own house. (Not for someone else...for ME). The way I understand humor is always "rooting for the good guy" even if the situation is bad. When I explain things, I often use movies because I can see the "scene" in my mind and that helps me form what I want to say. Sometimes, this is just much easier than trying to "relate my own experiences" as an example. I can do this...but usually it's just easier to let the "characters" go through it while I watch. Sound a bit bizarre? Yeah...to me too... But so it is.
I sometimes wonder if this is why so many people who perform (for a living or not), tend to be autistic...not always, of course...but just look up a list of celebrities with Autism and you'll see what I mean. In my opinion, we have an enternal fear that we can't seem to get rid of. It's rooted deep, and we secretly wonder (a lot) where it actually came from. We learn somewhere along the way that things bother us that don't seem to bother others. We can seem more timid, softer...more sensitive. The flip side of the coin, is that sometimes we are very happy- go-lucky, oblivious of danger, and we are able to "push our pleasure button" and let something make us really brave and confident. (More about pushing buttons later). But let's get back to achieving. Reading lists of symptoms for women who are autistic, I found out three things:
1. Women with autism will often pretend that their life is a movie, and everyone in their life is a character.
2. Women with autism often have imaginary friends growing up. We often pretend that there is an imaginary person always with us who walks with us and helps us through things we don't understand. They often will "translate" things people might tell us that we're unfamiliar with, or don't understand.
3. Women with autism often have difficulties with carrying out everyday tasks that are often thought to be pretty simple by others.
4.
As to the first one. I learned very early that actors show emotion through being someone else, AND they get to rehearse it and play with it and see what works and what does not...Yet in order to act well there has to be a high level of control. (Okay, some of that, I learned when I was older), but the point is...this means that depending on the role, a person can be totally OUT of control...but they can do it intentionally. They can do it...and control it...and well...because it's not even them...they are being someone else! Man! If only REAL LIFE worked like this!!!! So in our minds, we pretend our life is a movie being made and everything that happens to us is for the sake of that movie. So, when we lose it...it can be (we pretend) because our "character" was supposed to do that. (Therefore, didn't we perform well?). Later on, when (I) need to give a heartfelt apology, because (my) behavior was not right, my pretending that I'm acting and controlling my performance will make this more bearable, and I may not be so afraid.
2. Okay, I personally never had IMAGINARY friends growing up. My thought process was, if I'm imagining someone, I KNOW they're not real. Why would I do that? This seemed not logical to me. So, I took this idea a step further...mind you, this whole process just seemed "built in" to me...I just did it naturally because it helped me feel safe. I would pretend that people who had passed away were guiding me through my life, helping me and instructing me where I just had difficulties connecting with people in my life. Their spirits were with me. This, for me, worked, because, these people were real. They had actually lived at one time, and their eternal spirits still existed. They had real lives, real emotions, and also real spirits. There was also a mystical, mysterious element to it all because those spirits had to go somewhere...but they were not in the physical, obviously. So they could...transcend, time, space...whatever. This to me was amazing power! I was so limited, clumsy, scared...check! I was human. But if everyone else around me was just as human and fragile as I was, that meant that they would mess up too...besides no person could be with me every second. BUT...someone who'd gone on to be with G-d? THAT was another story!
3. You know when you hook up a DVD player or a VCR...those cables in the back that need to be twisted and turned? I've often been reduced to tears trying to figure out how to loosen them. When I sew (manually), it's usually crooked, but sewing machines are a difficulty for me because I'm watching this needle go really fast praying it doesn't hit my fingers, while pushing a pedal with my foot. This brings me to driving... My depth perception is terrible. Trying to "scan ahead" and read everything while moving that quickly is really challenging for me because my eyes don't work that quickly. I can see very well...but speed and accuracy together are really difficult for me...I usually have to choose one or the other.
I often have to "re-familiarize" myself with manual things I've done a million times: turning on the washing machine as opposed to the dryer. Putting the clean dishes away (again) and the silverware too, and putting everything in the right place. Can I do this? Of course; it isn't like I've forgotten these are my dishes, or my kitchen...it's not a memory lapse. So, what is it? I'm not sure how to explain it. It's trying to do the same thing, the same way every time, and not understanding why I can't. Why doesn't that pan fit there?: This is where it's supposed to go! What's THAT funny looking thing?...I didn't even know we had that; do we have a special place for that?
I'll do the same thing when I'm taking a bus somewhere or somebody's driving someplace. It might be months before I even realize that a certain business has moved out of a building...and then I can't remember what was in there before! Range of motion is weird thing for me. I was an adult before I mastered medicine bottles(either prescription or OTC): Push down and then twist...push down and then twist...go in the direction the arrows go...well, where are the arrows? I was also an adult before I was brave enough to light matches. I was petrified of them: How could I scrape something that will burn me...with my finger?!! Even today, I won't light those tiny matches in the match books, and I don't like lighters either. A striker is my best friend in this case. When it's lit my hand isn't anywhere near a flame! Yes! This makes sense to me. But I will light kitchen matches. I learned not to be (too) afraid of those. So, I do love candles, I can put a fire in a fire place (I might keep some water close by, just because), and I learned to get comfortable with gas stoves (although, I'veI've I've never actually had to light a burner before...all I had to do was turn them on...but I was afraid to use one, period...so this is a big deal.
When I was kid, the first time I was given sparklers on the 4th of July. I think I let four of them go out before I would even hold one! My dad kept lighting them, and well...I got the hang of it...but, it freaked me out at first. So, needless to say, I've learned to thank G-d for small victories. My major task for a day might be "fitting" my fitted sheet back on the bed...but this is a big deal. So when it comes to things like marriage, or having kids, or driving a car...let's say these are all things I haven't mastered. I'm a big fan of a personal best, and have to think positive, which are both good things. But I struggle all the time with feeling really over developed AND really under developed. I often worry that when I do get married, my husband might feel more like he's raising a child rather than building a life with a wife.
But it just so happens that all the women in my family have done "double duty" as parents. I've watched them handle pretty much everything on their own...with energy that I never thought a person could have. HOW in the world?... I don't know, but when I get married will my husband feel he's just married Loretta Lynn?? OK...I really don't think so... but how do I help him when sometimes I can barely help myself? I suppose one day I 'll find out...
Friday, August 5, 2016
Cured?
Duh?? But I thought...
So apparently Toni Braxton has a son who was diagnosed with Autism, and she is "shouting it from the rooftops" that he is now no longer on the spectrum. So naturally, many people are putting their two cents in about the issue. Well, I'm open minded, and I'm not here to judge; if Toni Braxton says that her child is no longer on the spectrum...how was this accomplished, according to her? If it's true, I'm sure a lot of parents would be interested to know about it.
Whether her son is truly cured or not is certainly none of my business. I'm just glad that she's happy, and hope that her son is too...
I only weigh in on this because many have strong opinions about it. I feel it's important to remember that the idea of "curing" Autism, or wanting to cure it, does not mean that we are wanting to change a person, re-make them, or have them be someone that they are not. In my view, that is not what this is is about. This is about relief. It's about relief from the varying degrees of physical, mental, emotional and neurological symptoms...not to mention secondary conditions that can and often do result from being autistic. Honestly, I love the way my MIND works...this makes me the wonderful lady I am. But I would bet that neurologically, if those who are Autistic could do something about, say, the anxiety, the flat feet, the digestive issues, the weird eye movements, the difficulties with depth perception and fine motor skills, and a whole slough of other problems...some of which we may not even know we have...I don't know that anyone would pass that up. Autism is a challenge, the say the least. It's hard. It's hard for kids, it's hard for adults, it's hard for parents, it's hard for teenagers. It's just hard.
It's hard to explain to others what it really is...a hidden disability that can leave us so "close"... but so far away. Many people just want some relief. Can we really blame Toni Braxton for saying she found some? Is her son cured? I don't know. Maybe, in any case, the important thing is that she believes that he is.
So apparently Toni Braxton has a son who was diagnosed with Autism, and she is "shouting it from the rooftops" that he is now no longer on the spectrum. So naturally, many people are putting their two cents in about the issue. Well, I'm open minded, and I'm not here to judge; if Toni Braxton says that her child is no longer on the spectrum...how was this accomplished, according to her? If it's true, I'm sure a lot of parents would be interested to know about it.
Whether her son is truly cured or not is certainly none of my business. I'm just glad that she's happy, and hope that her son is too...
I only weigh in on this because many have strong opinions about it. I feel it's important to remember that the idea of "curing" Autism, or wanting to cure it, does not mean that we are wanting to change a person, re-make them, or have them be someone that they are not. In my view, that is not what this is is about. This is about relief. It's about relief from the varying degrees of physical, mental, emotional and neurological symptoms...not to mention secondary conditions that can and often do result from being autistic. Honestly, I love the way my MIND works...this makes me the wonderful lady I am. But I would bet that neurologically, if those who are Autistic could do something about, say, the anxiety, the flat feet, the digestive issues, the weird eye movements, the difficulties with depth perception and fine motor skills, and a whole slough of other problems...some of which we may not even know we have...I don't know that anyone would pass that up. Autism is a challenge, the say the least. It's hard. It's hard for kids, it's hard for adults, it's hard for parents, it's hard for teenagers. It's just hard.
It's hard to explain to others what it really is...a hidden disability that can leave us so "close"... but so far away. Many people just want some relief. Can we really blame Toni Braxton for saying she found some? Is her son cured? I don't know. Maybe, in any case, the important thing is that she believes that he is.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Strike That...Reverse it. Thank you.
Duh?? But I thought...
Those with Autism process information more slowly. I should say, those with Autism NEED to process information more slowly. The times that we do not, are when we are upset or stressed...frazzled, maybe. During these times, information can come out of us like torrents of rain!
Anyway, less is not always more for someone with Autism. We enjoy savoring the thought process of mundane things and being pleased with ourselves because we "thought of that". We LOVE the victory of figuring out little things for ourselves...especially after we struggled through something. However, most people around us (bless their hearts) tend to think this "process" is nothing but us wasting time & making things hard on ourselves. (this must be corrected!) So, when we are in the middle of... washing dishes, for example; I generally hate washing dishes like everybody else, however, when I have energy to do it, there are little things I love about it. I love the running water. It's warm. It's soothing (the feel & the sound). It makes little patterns when it flows in the sink. I can stand there mesmerized by it, pretending it's a waterfall. It is contentedness at no charge...it's wonderful. But usually, this is very bothersome to others...
1. I'm wasting water
2. I'm wasting time
3. Someone else has to use the kitchen
4. I'm not paying enough attention to what I'm doing
5. There's a much easier way to do that!
Gee, and a minute ago I was perfectly content AND feeling so good because I thought I was doing something to help. People who have the gift of being very precise and efficient about things often don't mix well with those who are Autistic. This is because much of what the autistic does to help them enjoy a task, or even get through it at all...is seen to be a waste. This waste...must then be prevented, or changed somehow. So sometimes, even as adults, we have a lot of "don't's" in our lives:
1. Don't waste so much water
2. Don't waste the dish soap--it's expensive.
3. Don't fill the sink so full.
4. Don't drip water on the floor
5. Don't forget to wash the pans on the stove too.
These are all good things to remember...but now imagine the anxiety that builds when you're afraid you'll forget any of these? Then, your whole thought process becomes, am I doing this RIGHT? (What did I leave out? What did I forget? I'm gonna screw something up, I know it...and somebody is going to be mad at me). Sounds like a child afraid of a displeased parent, right? YES! Exactly. That's the WHOLE point. This is why we HAVE meltdowns to begin with, in my view. We become worn out...like a dishrag, wrung out till it won't drip anymore (pun intended).
(Ahem)...As I was saying; I ENJOY watching the water run in the sink. That's one sentence. Very simple. HOWEVER... (Okay...now, rinse and repeat.) (Pun intended). As in, repeat everything I explained prior to that one sentence. Now, as I understand it, everything that (I wrote) prior to that sentence must be remembered in order to make my life EASIER, is that right? This is because less is more...and I want to make things as simple as possible, right? Well, my goodness, I guess I'm not understanding. All I wanted was to watch the water running.
So many times we are, in our element...pleased, fascinated, mesmerized even, by the simplest things...and all of that is shattered or ruined...cut short by instructions, advice...or simply TMI. No matter how well intentioned. The dishes are just one example of countless others. Sound ridiculous? We know. That's another reason we have meltdowns. We spend countless hours thinking; "How stupid is that?"
Those with Autism process information more slowly. I should say, those with Autism NEED to process information more slowly. The times that we do not, are when we are upset or stressed...frazzled, maybe. During these times, information can come out of us like torrents of rain!
Anyway, less is not always more for someone with Autism. We enjoy savoring the thought process of mundane things and being pleased with ourselves because we "thought of that". We LOVE the victory of figuring out little things for ourselves...especially after we struggled through something. However, most people around us (bless their hearts) tend to think this "process" is nothing but us wasting time & making things hard on ourselves. (this must be corrected!) So, when we are in the middle of... washing dishes, for example; I generally hate washing dishes like everybody else, however, when I have energy to do it, there are little things I love about it. I love the running water. It's warm. It's soothing (the feel & the sound). It makes little patterns when it flows in the sink. I can stand there mesmerized by it, pretending it's a waterfall. It is contentedness at no charge...it's wonderful. But usually, this is very bothersome to others...
1. I'm wasting water
2. I'm wasting time
3. Someone else has to use the kitchen
4. I'm not paying enough attention to what I'm doing
5. There's a much easier way to do that!
Gee, and a minute ago I was perfectly content AND feeling so good because I thought I was doing something to help. People who have the gift of being very precise and efficient about things often don't mix well with those who are Autistic. This is because much of what the autistic does to help them enjoy a task, or even get through it at all...is seen to be a waste. This waste...must then be prevented, or changed somehow. So sometimes, even as adults, we have a lot of "don't's" in our lives:
1. Don't waste so much water
2. Don't waste the dish soap--it's expensive.
3. Don't fill the sink so full.
4. Don't drip water on the floor
5. Don't forget to wash the pans on the stove too.
These are all good things to remember...but now imagine the anxiety that builds when you're afraid you'll forget any of these? Then, your whole thought process becomes, am I doing this RIGHT? (What did I leave out? What did I forget? I'm gonna screw something up, I know it...and somebody is going to be mad at me). Sounds like a child afraid of a displeased parent, right? YES! Exactly. That's the WHOLE point. This is why we HAVE meltdowns to begin with, in my view. We become worn out...like a dishrag, wrung out till it won't drip anymore (pun intended).
(Ahem)...As I was saying; I ENJOY watching the water run in the sink. That's one sentence. Very simple. HOWEVER... (Okay...now, rinse and repeat.) (Pun intended). As in, repeat everything I explained prior to that one sentence. Now, as I understand it, everything that (I wrote) prior to that sentence must be remembered in order to make my life EASIER, is that right? This is because less is more...and I want to make things as simple as possible, right? Well, my goodness, I guess I'm not understanding. All I wanted was to watch the water running.
So many times we are, in our element...pleased, fascinated, mesmerized even, by the simplest things...and all of that is shattered or ruined...cut short by instructions, advice...or simply TMI. No matter how well intentioned. The dishes are just one example of countless others. Sound ridiculous? We know. That's another reason we have meltdowns. We spend countless hours thinking; "How stupid is that?"
Thursday, July 21, 2016
The Quiet Room
Duh?? But I thought...
It is my opinion that everyone with Autism needs what I call a quiet room. I remember that even as a kid, I could not understand why my emotions seemed to just blindside me so much. Granted, junior high is a totally different story because I'm pretty sure seventh & eighth grade is hell for everyone.
But I went into a different kind of shock when I began to realize that I still had meltdowns in my teens, twenties, thirties, and now, at almost forty...I still have them. I probably always will. How can we explain that feeling of "drop" we go through that makes it seem like something is out of alignment in the universe...and it must be fixed...NOW!!? What do we do when we feel like we've been punched in the stomach due to something like a change of plans, or the joke we just didn't understand? Maybe it's a busy time of the year like the holiday season and we just have too much going on at once.
I know all too well how it feels: The panic, the shortness of breath, your eyes tearing up, the clenched fists, the tight muscles, the clenched jaw, feeling like you want to yell and scream and cry AND run all at once. I know the overwhelming feeling...like you're drowning. Suddenly, we want to curl into the fetal position on the floor, pull blankets over us and just stay there. "I'm done. I'm tired. Make it stop...make it all go away!!!". I know also, the exhaustion of bottling all of this up, because we know that expressing it simply is not allowed...it's not appropriate. Sometimes, without us even knowing it...our state of mind can "tear" or feel as though it's starting to unravel because we are actually trying to keep a "Niagara Falls" of emotion or panic from escaping. We learn how to keep smiling and fake it. (Hopefully). But sometimes we just don't have the energy. Anyway, all of the above is why, we need a Quiet Room. This is a room where we can disappear to in order to be alone, have our fit...get all the energy out, maybe turn music up loud...whatever we might need to do in order to "clean out" whatever toxic mess has been going on inside, breathe, relax...maybe talk it out as much as we need to, lay down and rest, and then start over.
If someone is single, a bedroom will usually work. Just be mindful of the rooms around you and any loved ones on the other side of the walls. We don't want to hurt, offend, or scare anyone. For that matter, I can't count how many times I've done this! A big thanks to my family for being so amazingly patient wih me! If someone is part of a couple, the quiet room can be really challenging, because the bedroom is shared. This obviously requires some careful thought...and sometimes a lot of work! In my opinion, the most ideal situation, is either when there is an extra bedroom, or even better, an extra space separate from the house like a garage, a barn, or something that can be made into another room. This way, anyone who uses the space is freer to yell, scream and make noise. A meltdown is like an "explosion" of energy that happens internally. Usually it's triggered by something that "rocks our world" (in a bad way) and means a loss of control. I call this an "undercurrent": The worry, panic, and/or anxiety that can be bubbling on the inside, while we are trying to work, socialize, and function normally. It might be tempting to ask how this is different from any other person...don't we all go through this? Well, as I say a lot on here, I am no doctor or anything, but I would say yes.
To a degree, we all go through these things at times. In my opinion, the differences are level of intensity and abilities to cope with changes. I find it extremely ironic that one of the stereotypes surrounding autism s that there seems to be a lack of emotion or empathy involved. In my opinion, this is simply not true. Usually, what is going on is that we are trying desperately to "hold in" an avalanche of fear, hurt, or insecurity we can't seem to take on our own. Sometimes these emotions that we are often said not to have, seep through, and come to the surface, showing themselves as yelling or raising our voice over something that seems trivial, suddenly talking too fast and breathing like we've been running, holding back tears while yelling or screaming, to try to "push away" a show of affection from another that we desperately need...but cannot take at the moment because our own emotions are too intense. Often, we want to talk, and really tell others what the problem is, but we become paralyzed by a fear that we will be misunderstood, and that the whole thing will then be construed as our fault. So, often, we will "close up" or bottle up our feelings...even when we ought to say something. We know this is frustrating for you. It is frustrating for us too. What do we do?? We know this drives you crazy...it does us as well. The problem is, sometimes even what might be considered small changes can hit us like emotional "hammers.". This is why we need the Quiet Room, because even though we may have learned to hide these things well, for the sake of normalcy...the "avalanche" that starts inside has to be dealt with.
I once heard a psychologist on a radio show talking about folks whose brains are wired in such a way that they need to hear themselves say things verbally before something will process in their heads. I have no idea why this is...but at least in my case, I think it's true. I remember, I was constantly accused of not listening or not paying attention as a kid ("I JUST SAID that!"; that sorta thing). To top it off, always saying "I know" as the conversation goes on does not help. We do know...we get it...but usually our brains are a few sentences behind and we appear disinterested. Mental fatigue can cause us to space out, making others in the conversation think we are just being rude, or don't care (see? The stereotype is an inability to show empathy).
No. Think of it this way: imagine that each sentence you say, or each change of thought that comes into a conversation is typed on an index card as the words go into our ears. Each of those cards must be "fed" through the autistic mind, and "read" by our brain in order for those words to compute. It sounds kinda crazy but, we sorta have to "see" it for ourselves. We then contemplate our response and try to choose our words carefully...which can often make others suspicious of us...because what is there to think about? Most neuro typical's (those who are not autistic) give their responses to things quite quickly, which is perfectly normal. For those with Autism, we will often take too long "thinking" about how we want to respond...running things people say to us through the "filter" in our heads. This "thinking" does not mean dishonesty or that we are lying or being secretive. We simply take longer to process things. When this is coupled with too many things to process, too many "cards to read" (if you will)...just too much information, our brains easily end up on overload. (Just my opinion, of course).
This is usually where the irritability comes in, the raising our voices, the outbursts...we might walk off and totally detach from those around us...just needing a place where we can literally examine our own thoughts. A quiet room is just the place for this. For those who do not have the extra room to go to, try to create a space where you can simply "unwind.". There was a time when I used a hall closet. I would sit in the dark with my earphones. I loved it. I barely fit in there, but that made no difference. I put 2 pillows on the floor & one against the wall. I would sit in the dark, under all the coats hung up, with my earphones in...eyes closed...and the scent of the carpet shampoo, and barely used leather. It was my own little cocoon. This was as an adult, by the way, not a kid. For those of you who "talk" without making a sound all the time like I do...this is perfect. You can get everything out...and no one else has to hear. Take some deep breaths and let your music sink in. I would re-emerge from that skinny little room a changed person. My only "compulsion" was wanting to stay in there so long! Yes, absolutely...I'm a firm believer in the Quiet Room.
It is my opinion that everyone with Autism needs what I call a quiet room. I remember that even as a kid, I could not understand why my emotions seemed to just blindside me so much. Granted, junior high is a totally different story because I'm pretty sure seventh & eighth grade is hell for everyone.
But I went into a different kind of shock when I began to realize that I still had meltdowns in my teens, twenties, thirties, and now, at almost forty...I still have them. I probably always will. How can we explain that feeling of "drop" we go through that makes it seem like something is out of alignment in the universe...and it must be fixed...NOW!!? What do we do when we feel like we've been punched in the stomach due to something like a change of plans, or the joke we just didn't understand? Maybe it's a busy time of the year like the holiday season and we just have too much going on at once.
I know all too well how it feels: The panic, the shortness of breath, your eyes tearing up, the clenched fists, the tight muscles, the clenched jaw, feeling like you want to yell and scream and cry AND run all at once. I know the overwhelming feeling...like you're drowning. Suddenly, we want to curl into the fetal position on the floor, pull blankets over us and just stay there. "I'm done. I'm tired. Make it stop...make it all go away!!!". I know also, the exhaustion of bottling all of this up, because we know that expressing it simply is not allowed...it's not appropriate. Sometimes, without us even knowing it...our state of mind can "tear" or feel as though it's starting to unravel because we are actually trying to keep a "Niagara Falls" of emotion or panic from escaping. We learn how to keep smiling and fake it. (Hopefully). But sometimes we just don't have the energy. Anyway, all of the above is why, we need a Quiet Room. This is a room where we can disappear to in order to be alone, have our fit...get all the energy out, maybe turn music up loud...whatever we might need to do in order to "clean out" whatever toxic mess has been going on inside, breathe, relax...maybe talk it out as much as we need to, lay down and rest, and then start over.
If someone is single, a bedroom will usually work. Just be mindful of the rooms around you and any loved ones on the other side of the walls. We don't want to hurt, offend, or scare anyone. For that matter, I can't count how many times I've done this! A big thanks to my family for being so amazingly patient wih me! If someone is part of a couple, the quiet room can be really challenging, because the bedroom is shared. This obviously requires some careful thought...and sometimes a lot of work! In my opinion, the most ideal situation, is either when there is an extra bedroom, or even better, an extra space separate from the house like a garage, a barn, or something that can be made into another room. This way, anyone who uses the space is freer to yell, scream and make noise. A meltdown is like an "explosion" of energy that happens internally. Usually it's triggered by something that "rocks our world" (in a bad way) and means a loss of control. I call this an "undercurrent": The worry, panic, and/or anxiety that can be bubbling on the inside, while we are trying to work, socialize, and function normally. It might be tempting to ask how this is different from any other person...don't we all go through this? Well, as I say a lot on here, I am no doctor or anything, but I would say yes.
To a degree, we all go through these things at times. In my opinion, the differences are level of intensity and abilities to cope with changes. I find it extremely ironic that one of the stereotypes surrounding autism s that there seems to be a lack of emotion or empathy involved. In my opinion, this is simply not true. Usually, what is going on is that we are trying desperately to "hold in" an avalanche of fear, hurt, or insecurity we can't seem to take on our own. Sometimes these emotions that we are often said not to have, seep through, and come to the surface, showing themselves as yelling or raising our voice over something that seems trivial, suddenly talking too fast and breathing like we've been running, holding back tears while yelling or screaming, to try to "push away" a show of affection from another that we desperately need...but cannot take at the moment because our own emotions are too intense. Often, we want to talk, and really tell others what the problem is, but we become paralyzed by a fear that we will be misunderstood, and that the whole thing will then be construed as our fault. So, often, we will "close up" or bottle up our feelings...even when we ought to say something. We know this is frustrating for you. It is frustrating for us too. What do we do?? We know this drives you crazy...it does us as well. The problem is, sometimes even what might be considered small changes can hit us like emotional "hammers.". This is why we need the Quiet Room, because even though we may have learned to hide these things well, for the sake of normalcy...the "avalanche" that starts inside has to be dealt with.
I once heard a psychologist on a radio show talking about folks whose brains are wired in such a way that they need to hear themselves say things verbally before something will process in their heads. I have no idea why this is...but at least in my case, I think it's true. I remember, I was constantly accused of not listening or not paying attention as a kid ("I JUST SAID that!"; that sorta thing). To top it off, always saying "I know" as the conversation goes on does not help. We do know...we get it...but usually our brains are a few sentences behind and we appear disinterested. Mental fatigue can cause us to space out, making others in the conversation think we are just being rude, or don't care (see? The stereotype is an inability to show empathy).
No. Think of it this way: imagine that each sentence you say, or each change of thought that comes into a conversation is typed on an index card as the words go into our ears. Each of those cards must be "fed" through the autistic mind, and "read" by our brain in order for those words to compute. It sounds kinda crazy but, we sorta have to "see" it for ourselves. We then contemplate our response and try to choose our words carefully...which can often make others suspicious of us...because what is there to think about? Most neuro typical's (those who are not autistic) give their responses to things quite quickly, which is perfectly normal. For those with Autism, we will often take too long "thinking" about how we want to respond...running things people say to us through the "filter" in our heads. This "thinking" does not mean dishonesty or that we are lying or being secretive. We simply take longer to process things. When this is coupled with too many things to process, too many "cards to read" (if you will)...just too much information, our brains easily end up on overload. (Just my opinion, of course).
This is usually where the irritability comes in, the raising our voices, the outbursts...we might walk off and totally detach from those around us...just needing a place where we can literally examine our own thoughts. A quiet room is just the place for this. For those who do not have the extra room to go to, try to create a space where you can simply "unwind.". There was a time when I used a hall closet. I would sit in the dark with my earphones. I loved it. I barely fit in there, but that made no difference. I put 2 pillows on the floor & one against the wall. I would sit in the dark, under all the coats hung up, with my earphones in...eyes closed...and the scent of the carpet shampoo, and barely used leather. It was my own little cocoon. This was as an adult, by the way, not a kid. For those of you who "talk" without making a sound all the time like I do...this is perfect. You can get everything out...and no one else has to hear. Take some deep breaths and let your music sink in. I would re-emerge from that skinny little room a changed person. My only "compulsion" was wanting to stay in there so long! Yes, absolutely...I'm a firm believer in the Quiet Room.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Stonewalling
Duh?? But I thought...
Sometimes we're not easy to talk to. We become suddenly upset, and those around us are left perplexed because they have no idea what's wrong.
All I can say is, sometimes we feel paralyzed with a sense of awkwardness, and a fear that we've done something wrong. Even worse...a fear that needing certain things makes us childish or stupid. We also get quite angry with ourselves, because often little things (or even big things) that seem like they are no big deal to others...can be quite frightening or upsetting to us. WHY? (we wonder). We know we drive ourselves crazy, so we figure we must drive others crazy too. Sometimes we REALLY need help with the littlest of things because we don't remember how to do them or we're scared to death. An example for me would be driving. Driving scares the daylights outta me. I'm always afraid I'm going to cause an accident and kill myself or someone else (okay, there it is). I CAN drive...I've done it before. And maybe, just like other people, practice makes perfect. I would get better with time. They say it takes about six months or so (I would say a year) to become really good at it. Well, in my mind, this leaves room for a lot of error! But when you drive, there's very little room for error...that's how accidents happen. So how is it that when you go to a school for driver training, they expect you to be finished with it in around...3 DAYS?? Are you kidding me??
Sometimes, I can't even walk in a straight line, but after 3 times, you're going to put me on the freeway going 70 miles an hour, with hundreds of other cars?? Granted, many people do this just fine...no problem. But for me, I don't know that it's such a good idea. The thing is...what if I tried again...and I succeeded? Most of the time I won't even study the BOOK to try and take the TEST again. I was in college for a long time, I KNOW how to study and memorize and take tests! I could at least do that? Yes. But I don't. Because what if I don't pass the vision test? I really need new glasses, I can't really afford them...so I probably WOULD fail the vision test. What if nobody trusts me enough to go in the car with me, so I can learn? (I ran into this snag before). What if their insurance doesn't even cover me driving the car? What if I can't stop drifting into the other lane like I did before? What if I'm on a residential street and literally don't know where my side of the road IS??
Welcome to the world of Autism...internal worry and anxiety that threatens to swallow us up...all the time. On the inside is an endless string of questions that never stops coming. Try as we might, it never stops coming, and there is NO "OFF" button. So, we're constantly overwhelmed, and fighting back the current of internal chaos...trying desperately to grab onto something that makes us not need other people so much. This is confusing when someone is a believer and they know that G-d has put certain "needs" in their life for certain reasons. How does one embrace that when they struggle with feeling like a burden to others? How does one find security when (even as adults) they need other adults almost like a child needs a parent to help them? This feels awful at times. To add to the frustration, sometimes what we need is not much but it still requires the patience of someone else...someone else who is often too busy. For instance, with driving...it's possible that all I need are very little things: someone to drive me to the DMV to get the book. (again). Someone to sit and go over it with me a little each day...so the overwhelming urge to just quit (because this won't work) doesn't just swallow me up. I can do this myself, sure, but it becomes too easy to just ditch it if I'm left completely to myself (believe me, there's an element of laziness involved here too). But coupled with a need to just escape, because I can't stand the thought of failing again (the fact that everything's online is great, but the thing is, the way I waste time doing unproductive stuff online, it's actually more of a temptation to waste time than anything else; couple this with a fear of failing and a fear of being weak...and believe me...I'm back on Facebook again in ten minutes! Sound like I need to grow up? Yes, I know...that's my whole point.
So, the driving thing is just an example. But my point is, that all of this creates an "undercurrent" on the inside. It's an undercurrent of fear and uncertainty that we dearly wish we could stop. But there is no "off" button. My dear friends, THIS is what causes things like panic attacks, knee-jerk reactions, meltdowns, and finally, stonewalling, where we disappear into our room for two or three days and don't talk to anyone. The irony is...this is often when we need someone the most to knock on our door and ask if we need to talk, or ask if we'd like to go to Starbucks. It's time we need the biggest hug in the world. It's the time we need a shoulder to cry on. But we've shut everybody out, usually with our unkind words, tone of voice, yelling, or an outburst that seemed to come out of nowhere. Usually, we stonewall, because, we know what we've done...we know it was wrong...and we know you're probably mad as Hell at us. Our emotions hit us from the inside like Lightening bolts & our precious loved ones are like "I'm not EVEN going near you...forget it!"
Almost, like a puppy with it's tail between it's legs, we need someone to say "I know you didn't mean it.". It's not easy any way you look at it. Often, someone has a perfect right to angry with us...and we know it. But it's then that we need them to not be angry the most. Where it gets rougher, is that we often expect those around us to just not even say a word about whatever we did. Often they need to...because maybe what we did or said left them feeling "flattened" like a pancake. We know this isn't fair. Many times, we are literally more sorry than we can say. (Which is why you may not ever hear an apology). It's okay to say to us later, after we've calmed down: "I really don't understand what happened the other day," or something. Don't be surprised if we break down and cry when we try to explain it...accompanied with a lingering fear that you might think we're over-acting or just hamming it up. Often, we're not at all.
You might be thinking: "So ASK if you need something." (I'll switch things over to me now). I should. You're right. Often, the fear that I will regret it (somehow) is overwhelming. What if this person doesn't have time? What if they do it anyway, because they feel bad, but really they don't want to? What if they are mad at me for something & don't want to even talk to me?? The questions go on and on. So, those who are autistic sometimes just have to trust that (our) dilemma's are not that uncommon, and that it's OK to ask...people really don't mind. But what to do to stop the endless torrent of "analyzing things to death," when we're scared and we just need to face something? I suppose it's like that old Nike slogan: Just do it. If just this thought overwhelms you, I empathize completely. How do we stop being so sensitive if we're wired that way? So sorry about all the insensitivity that comes with it.
Sometimes we're not easy to talk to. We become suddenly upset, and those around us are left perplexed because they have no idea what's wrong.
All I can say is, sometimes we feel paralyzed with a sense of awkwardness, and a fear that we've done something wrong. Even worse...a fear that needing certain things makes us childish or stupid. We also get quite angry with ourselves, because often little things (or even big things) that seem like they are no big deal to others...can be quite frightening or upsetting to us. WHY? (we wonder). We know we drive ourselves crazy, so we figure we must drive others crazy too. Sometimes we REALLY need help with the littlest of things because we don't remember how to do them or we're scared to death. An example for me would be driving. Driving scares the daylights outta me. I'm always afraid I'm going to cause an accident and kill myself or someone else (okay, there it is). I CAN drive...I've done it before. And maybe, just like other people, practice makes perfect. I would get better with time. They say it takes about six months or so (I would say a year) to become really good at it. Well, in my mind, this leaves room for a lot of error! But when you drive, there's very little room for error...that's how accidents happen. So how is it that when you go to a school for driver training, they expect you to be finished with it in around...3 DAYS?? Are you kidding me??
Sometimes, I can't even walk in a straight line, but after 3 times, you're going to put me on the freeway going 70 miles an hour, with hundreds of other cars?? Granted, many people do this just fine...no problem. But for me, I don't know that it's such a good idea. The thing is...what if I tried again...and I succeeded? Most of the time I won't even study the BOOK to try and take the TEST again. I was in college for a long time, I KNOW how to study and memorize and take tests! I could at least do that? Yes. But I don't. Because what if I don't pass the vision test? I really need new glasses, I can't really afford them...so I probably WOULD fail the vision test. What if nobody trusts me enough to go in the car with me, so I can learn? (I ran into this snag before). What if their insurance doesn't even cover me driving the car? What if I can't stop drifting into the other lane like I did before? What if I'm on a residential street and literally don't know where my side of the road IS??
Welcome to the world of Autism...internal worry and anxiety that threatens to swallow us up...all the time. On the inside is an endless string of questions that never stops coming. Try as we might, it never stops coming, and there is NO "OFF" button. So, we're constantly overwhelmed, and fighting back the current of internal chaos...trying desperately to grab onto something that makes us not need other people so much. This is confusing when someone is a believer and they know that G-d has put certain "needs" in their life for certain reasons. How does one embrace that when they struggle with feeling like a burden to others? How does one find security when (even as adults) they need other adults almost like a child needs a parent to help them? This feels awful at times. To add to the frustration, sometimes what we need is not much but it still requires the patience of someone else...someone else who is often too busy. For instance, with driving...it's possible that all I need are very little things: someone to drive me to the DMV to get the book. (again). Someone to sit and go over it with me a little each day...so the overwhelming urge to just quit (because this won't work) doesn't just swallow me up. I can do this myself, sure, but it becomes too easy to just ditch it if I'm left completely to myself (believe me, there's an element of laziness involved here too). But coupled with a need to just escape, because I can't stand the thought of failing again (the fact that everything's online is great, but the thing is, the way I waste time doing unproductive stuff online, it's actually more of a temptation to waste time than anything else; couple this with a fear of failing and a fear of being weak...and believe me...I'm back on Facebook again in ten minutes! Sound like I need to grow up? Yes, I know...that's my whole point.
So, the driving thing is just an example. But my point is, that all of this creates an "undercurrent" on the inside. It's an undercurrent of fear and uncertainty that we dearly wish we could stop. But there is no "off" button. My dear friends, THIS is what causes things like panic attacks, knee-jerk reactions, meltdowns, and finally, stonewalling, where we disappear into our room for two or three days and don't talk to anyone. The irony is...this is often when we need someone the most to knock on our door and ask if we need to talk, or ask if we'd like to go to Starbucks. It's time we need the biggest hug in the world. It's the time we need a shoulder to cry on. But we've shut everybody out, usually with our unkind words, tone of voice, yelling, or an outburst that seemed to come out of nowhere. Usually, we stonewall, because, we know what we've done...we know it was wrong...and we know you're probably mad as Hell at us. Our emotions hit us from the inside like Lightening bolts & our precious loved ones are like "I'm not EVEN going near you...forget it!"
Almost, like a puppy with it's tail between it's legs, we need someone to say "I know you didn't mean it.". It's not easy any way you look at it. Often, someone has a perfect right to angry with us...and we know it. But it's then that we need them to not be angry the most. Where it gets rougher, is that we often expect those around us to just not even say a word about whatever we did. Often they need to...because maybe what we did or said left them feeling "flattened" like a pancake. We know this isn't fair. Many times, we are literally more sorry than we can say. (Which is why you may not ever hear an apology). It's okay to say to us later, after we've calmed down: "I really don't understand what happened the other day," or something. Don't be surprised if we break down and cry when we try to explain it...accompanied with a lingering fear that you might think we're over-acting or just hamming it up. Often, we're not at all.
You might be thinking: "So ASK if you need something." (I'll switch things over to me now). I should. You're right. Often, the fear that I will regret it (somehow) is overwhelming. What if this person doesn't have time? What if they do it anyway, because they feel bad, but really they don't want to? What if they are mad at me for something & don't want to even talk to me?? The questions go on and on. So, those who are autistic sometimes just have to trust that (our) dilemma's are not that uncommon, and that it's OK to ask...people really don't mind. But what to do to stop the endless torrent of "analyzing things to death," when we're scared and we just need to face something? I suppose it's like that old Nike slogan: Just do it. If just this thought overwhelms you, I empathize completely. How do we stop being so sensitive if we're wired that way? So sorry about all the insensitivity that comes with it.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Random Thoughts of an Autistic Femaile....
Duh?? But I thought...
I hate the term "Aspie" ... Sounds like a bad smelling ointment we have to put on a sore we can't get rid of.
Why do cats have sandpaper tongues? I suppose G-d made them that way...otherwise how would they take a bath? But mine licks me...all the time. Who ever heard of a licking cat? Is she part dog? I just call her cat-dog, that evens it all out. Why are the freaking TV commercials like four times louder than the show? Doesn't that just get people to leave the room quicker? Sometimes I hate Janis Joplin's voice...speaking of sandpaper. I've lied about that my whole life. I have. I think Janis Joplin was a woman in her twenties who sounded like a smoker who was in her sixties. This my friends, is why she was perfect (damn, I asked for chips & forgot all about salsa) at singing the blues. Life had taken it's toll on her...and it didn't sound too good. Maybe it wasn't supposed to. But she resonated with somebody...including me. I love "Summertime" and "Bobby McGee.". I hate her voice, but I love a couple of her songs?...yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Hell, you're weird, you know that? Yep, always have been. I pride myself on being so damn weird...and loving it...but sometimes I really hate it. I REALLY hate it. I want to be normal and pure and right and good and upstanding and all those things that in my idealistic mind, feel so good...until I realize how much they have eluded me. I hate thinking that the only way to get through life is to just be negative by default. I'd cuss about this too, but saying those things only makes you weak, not strong. I am a GOOD girl, dammit, I am, I am! And I like it that way! But when does being a "good girl" get so screwy?...I mean...I'm the most cynical person I know. Suspicious. Good Lord...suspicious of EVERYTHING!! What do you really mean? What are you REALLY trying to say? Come on, I know I musta missed something! I knew I shoulda taken some headache medicine this morning...now I've got one. Is it any wonder? You ever shut up, for crying out loud? "But honey, keepin you's the hard part, isn't it?". That's what she said, in the Rose...and I think she was right. If my thoughts were like water I could solve our drought problems for 20 years. Sometimes I meet somebody, and I think I'll just love them forever and ever...which is wonderful...but stupid...you idiot! You don't KNOW them! You don't know anything about them! Damn, anybody got any Rocky Road? This typing is starting to look like one long Torah scroll...except that a Torah scroll doesn't even have punctuation. So, how do you remember where anything is? No chapters, no verses...how do you keep track? I suppose this is what Torah portions are for...this is the "part" for today. Dude, you think you're going crazy? I'm the one who can't shut it off. No wonder I always wanna sleep at odd hours...I can't get my brain to shut up!!
I hate the term "Aspie" ... Sounds like a bad smelling ointment we have to put on a sore we can't get rid of.
Why do cats have sandpaper tongues? I suppose G-d made them that way...otherwise how would they take a bath? But mine licks me...all the time. Who ever heard of a licking cat? Is she part dog? I just call her cat-dog, that evens it all out. Why are the freaking TV commercials like four times louder than the show? Doesn't that just get people to leave the room quicker? Sometimes I hate Janis Joplin's voice...speaking of sandpaper. I've lied about that my whole life. I have. I think Janis Joplin was a woman in her twenties who sounded like a smoker who was in her sixties. This my friends, is why she was perfect (damn, I asked for chips & forgot all about salsa) at singing the blues. Life had taken it's toll on her...and it didn't sound too good. Maybe it wasn't supposed to. But she resonated with somebody...including me. I love "Summertime" and "Bobby McGee.". I hate her voice, but I love a couple of her songs?...yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Hell, you're weird, you know that? Yep, always have been. I pride myself on being so damn weird...and loving it...but sometimes I really hate it. I REALLY hate it. I want to be normal and pure and right and good and upstanding and all those things that in my idealistic mind, feel so good...until I realize how much they have eluded me. I hate thinking that the only way to get through life is to just be negative by default. I'd cuss about this too, but saying those things only makes you weak, not strong. I am a GOOD girl, dammit, I am, I am! And I like it that way! But when does being a "good girl" get so screwy?...I mean...I'm the most cynical person I know. Suspicious. Good Lord...suspicious of EVERYTHING!! What do you really mean? What are you REALLY trying to say? Come on, I know I musta missed something! I knew I shoulda taken some headache medicine this morning...now I've got one. Is it any wonder? You ever shut up, for crying out loud? "But honey, keepin you's the hard part, isn't it?". That's what she said, in the Rose...and I think she was right. If my thoughts were like water I could solve our drought problems for 20 years. Sometimes I meet somebody, and I think I'll just love them forever and ever...which is wonderful...but stupid...you idiot! You don't KNOW them! You don't know anything about them! Damn, anybody got any Rocky Road? This typing is starting to look like one long Torah scroll...except that a Torah scroll doesn't even have punctuation. So, how do you remember where anything is? No chapters, no verses...how do you keep track? I suppose this is what Torah portions are for...this is the "part" for today. Dude, you think you're going crazy? I'm the one who can't shut it off. No wonder I always wanna sleep at odd hours...I can't get my brain to shut up!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)