Baby Steps: Keep Your Head Up

Duh?? But I thought...

Earlier today, I saw on Facebook that a well known Christian woman, probably best known for being content in her singleness...is now engaged. Immediately, I internalized it...felt the burn of jealousy, and then wondered whether God was punishing me (Is this about the friend's I rejected back in high school?). Just another example of a random event which has NOTHING to do with ME, that I felt an extreme need to be connected with, or attached to. It was almost as if I was angry with this woman for reminding me that I'm still a miserable failure when it comes to marriage, but now SHE is not! She has succeeded at it somehow, while I still cannot. Is this thought process ridiculous? You bet. Ridiculous, unnecessary, untrue, and harmful to my own character. (Never mind OTHER people assassinating my character...I can do it to myself).

This is just one example of how the Aspie mind can torture the person.

Another persons success at something does NOT equal my failure...but most often, this is the first place my mind goes. Here's the thing: People with AS, analyze everything to death, and then work too hard at trouble-shooting and finding every blind spot so they will KNOW how to do something just right. Then, in our minds, we expect a reward. We do. We expect people to pat us on the back, praise us, stroke our egos...we expect the GOOD to WIN. We expect to obtain that thing we've been pining for. Why not?... We've waited long enough. We've studied every nook and cranny till we're left on the floor with no energy, right? So, when we see OTHER's obtaining that same reward when it APPEARS that they have not waited as long, or tried as hard, or cried as much, or suffered as much isolation...we tend to take it VERY personally. We measure our own suffering against another's...and often become convinced that we have somehow been "snubbed," because WE would have been much more worthy of some blessing it seems has been awarded to another.

As someone with self diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome who is also a follower of Yeshua (Jesus), regrettably, I spend a lot of time becoming angry with God for this very thing...not just other people. I feel much closer to God than I do to other people in general because I know that Yeshua understands these ongoing, internal struggles...whereas other people do not. And why should they? Oftentimes, a person whom I "project" this sort of anger towards...has no clue that I even feel that way. This is because I've not actually spoken to them about anything...the conflict is completely internal...and also completely my own problem. I've now put myself in a position where I'm needing empathy I cannot get, because the "others" involved...have no clue that they're even involved. In other words they don't know I'm feeling the way I do. Oftentimes I fear that my issues are so trivial and "out there" that anyone I tried to tell them to would never see the preverbal "knives" stabbing me from the inside. Either that, or they would just think they were totally ridiculous. (I mean, look at me...I'm wasting energy being angry at a woman I've never actually met before, because she's engaged...and I'm not. I literally think this makes me a terrible failure somehow. It does not. This is not true in the least. (Goodness sakes)!!

Being too embarrassed or afraid to talk about these irrational thought processes, leaves me to try and "hold it all in" somewhere. The inadequacy of something I can't control, continues to "stab" me from the inside and sometimes, something seems to "break." Suddenly, something that has nothing to do with what's going on inside, will "trigger" feelings of anger or depression. I often feel "two foot small" like John Lennon says in "Hide your love Away.". Speaking of marriage in general, the preverbal "ball of yarn" inside continues to unravel when I wonder why anyone would want to marry me...because I drive myself crazy and would probably drive him nuts as well. I am constantly mumbling under my breath because all these struggles somehow need to make their way out verbally...it's like releasing pressure so that the "volcano" on the inside does not erupt. But this is another behavior that has cost me dearly. I mean, who wants to be around someone who (might be) mumbling about them or putting them down?

Okay, so, now my "child of God," nip it in the bud mentallity is taking over, so here we go... As it says in the 12 steps of recovery, "our thinking becomes distorted, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.". Is that what has happened here? Absolutely! I may become unreasonable inside, but I do not need to STAY that way. The Enemy's head is "crushed" when we praise God and we speak God's truth...so, guess what?...The TRUTH is, I'm an amazing woman who can attract people like a magnate. The TRUTH is, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me...and I've got that in writing (Philippians 4:13). This includes marriage! God is not going to "call" me to such a thing and then not equip me to take it on. The problem comes when I decide that I have waited too long for something that I should've already obtained, and I expect the world at large out there to stop learning so that NO ONE learns any lessons, or gets any rewards that I did not get. Again, ridiculous, right? You bet! But when you're actually going through it and feeling crushed yourself under the weight, it's quite profound. Stop. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.". Waiting is not easy, and sometimes, it's the only way we can grow. If I choose to "sabotage" this process by holding grudges against people, my God that I serve will be patient enough to take me through the test again...but I can't get the time back.

I've learned personally that I need to choose to be happy for those that I would rather hold grudges against. The more I do not want to do this...the more I need to. This is the only thing that punches my pride in the stomach, and sets me free. The truth is, that many many times, I have allowed the pride to win. But the bigger truth is that the God I serve is bigger than any feelings of isolation I seem to be drowning in. To my future husband, wherever you are, I love you...and can't wait to meet you. My mind is crazy, and sometimes the things I say are too. But through it all, there is wisdom gained. God is... And there is hope.

I've Had It...

Duh?? But I thought...

OKAY, THIS is a rant, so just be warned, I need to vent. I really think I have COMPLETELY had it with people...I really do. Dating sites? No thank you. Facebook? Stupid because who's life is REALLY like that? My phone? I was about to smash it with a hammer because all it does is rattle and vibrate, and make this God awful noise like an angry buzzard flying overhead every time I get a message. Driving? In my case, it's safer not to, and I will always be sorry for that. Work? I don't have a job, and I have no way to get there anyway, so I guess, that's GOOD...right? Church? The church that I loved I now hate because I'm tired of people talking behind my back about things that profoundly affect me when they think I can't hear what they are saying. I cannot guarantee that I would want these things said to my face either, but where I come from, if you must talk about something that hurts someone, go ahead and be hypocritical: do it when that person is NOT around, because the pain is not worth it.

The expression "...say it to my face" can sometimes be a bunch a bullshit, because the truth is, I can't handle "the truth.". Fine. I get this...I accept it. So, if you got something to say that involves hurting me, do me a favor: GET COMPLETELY away from me first, and then say it behind my back. I don't care. This way I don't need to carry the burden of knowing what was said, or that it even went on...period. I can experience the "bliss" of ignorance, and just live my life. Don't bother "taking it outside"... because when I come walking outside and see you guys "shushing" each other and then huddling closer, whispering more softly... (Gee THAT doesn't look suspicious or anything!). Do not pray for me that I would receive clarity about a situation, and then sit there and whisper amongst each other about the very thing that's tearing me up inside while I'm still in the room. Does it dawn on you at all, that maybe this really isn't very NICE? I guess not.

Singles groups suck, and so do dating sites because all they do is give people false hope. In the end, you're left on your own with a bunch of hurt feelings and completely trampled vulnerability, because someone has given you every reason to believe that they were into you, and then they say. : "Oh, no, I'm sorry.". Or, they believe that your profound faith that makes you WHO YOU ARE, is nothing but a "buzz killer," and you're left feeling like World's biggest FOOL for your honesty. (I'm sorry...would you RATHER, I lied to you??). Asshole. All I wanna do is exactly, what I'm not supposed to do: just hide under a blanket, eating Oreos and milk, reading books, writing poetry and watching "Faerrie Tale Theatre.". But all these things, make me a pathetic little child who just won't grow up, and this is just, absolutely unconscionable...is that correct?

Who will want me? How could I ever be in a relationship? How will I ever hold down a job? HOW can I be an adult?? Ahhh, I see, so I guess I should work my ass off at a job I hate and then have no time or energy for myself, and I should watch all my money go down the tubes while I'm paying off a car, and bitching and moaning because gas is so expensive. I guess I should be up to my EYEBALLS in student debt, and not be able to sleep at night, all for the tremendous honor of an education that does nothing but dumb me down and KEEP me in school, so I can keep PAYING for school! I suppose I should keep going to a church where I feel sick to my stomach because people can't think to just get the hell outta there BEFORE they start talking behind my back. (Doesn't doing it right in FRONT of me completely defeat the purpose?).

Personally, I think cats have the right idea, they sleep all day, they rub your legs when they want food and they meow, so that everything else is at their command...rubbing, petting, scratching the ears...ahhh, yes indeed, they have it made! This sounds like a much better life than the one I've been kicking myself for not being ABLE to get so that other people would be interested in me!!! You know what, FUCK THAT!!!

I have HAD IT with wasting my energy trying to PROOVE myself to people who are never satisfied anyway. I have HAD IT with thinking that anyone else is ever gonna make me happy. It's. WAY easier just to make myself happy!! I have HAD IT with wishing I had a damn car. I'd much rather buy a bike, which I can pay for in one shot, get my butt out there and breathe some fresh air. Exhaust fumes aren't my thing, but feeling the sun on my shoulders is. :). I have HAD IT with thinking that NOT continuing my education was a terrible mistake. I have a COMPLETED Associate's degree...and I've completely paid off ALL my student debt. I sleep peacefully at night, I WIN!! I have HAD IT with feeling guilty for not going back to church (at least, the one I've been going to). The fact that I realize that I need to get away from the drama, the hurt that I have swallowed again and again so that no one ELSE is bothered by it. The fact that I realize that this needs to STOP, just proves that the GOD I serve has granted me perception and helped me make a choice to help myself. This is a GOOD thing!! On that same note, I will NOT HIDE my Christian faith because other people can't handle it. This is who I AM. Maybe you know that as long as you're around me, you can't accept YOU as YOU are! This is not my fault. I do apologize for any discomfort, but I have HAD IT, with taking guilt upon myself, and thinking I should "water down" my conscience so that others will accept me. NO! I'd hate myself in the end...and so would you. FUCK THAT!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a HUGE bowl of pasta, loaded with cheese and all my favorite things...and then I'm going to crawl under my blankets and savor it... feeling the sheets on my skin...and not giving a rat's ass HOW MANY calories are in it!! It's called: Truly ENJOYING myself.

Steps

Duh?? But I thought...

Autistic people take their time. We work alone, and we prefer the world in our head to the real one at large. We like to slowly savor details often deemed unimportant by others. Don't rush us. This usually is not a good idea. We take as much or more joy in thinking and planning the process of accomplishing a task as we do the task itself. Because of the way we process information, it might take us ten steps to do the same thing that someone else does in five. We simply work things out in a "longer" way, and we will go over multiple steps several times in our heads when we feel that things are missing.

This long string of details and observances must be gone through and analyzed. When this can't happen (because we're late, for example), we feel as though something in the universe is out of alignment. We must fix it! Many well meaning friends and family have tried to show me esker ways of doing mundane things, in order to save time and effort. Unfortunately, this will only serve to take away my "reward" for reaching the intended goal, and doing it...MYSELF! :)

Believe it or not, when we are allowed to take our time and figure something out on our own, it creates a sense of power and strength in us that gives us confidence. The difficulties come when those around us, circumvent or take away that process by "showing us an easier way" or needing us to hurry up, or making us feel as though we are doing things "the hard way.". A process that might be "the hard way" to a neuro-typical might be absolutely necessary to an Autistic person's sense of completeness. Sometimes, we need to be allowed to struggle through things so that we can gain the victory when we figure it out. SOMETIMES, though we look like we are struggling, we are not at all...we're just fixated on a thought or process and we like being so. We like to contemplate...and think deeply. Often, when this process is "disturbed"... so are we. We get very upset, and sometimes have meltdowns. Many times,, we feel as though something has been broken because someone else's business seemed to get in the way. We can come across as co sited or uncaring, and those around us often may have no idea why. Try to be patient with us. It can be frustrating making a huge deal out of seemingly minor details but sometimes we just can't help it. :)

Retard ...

Duh?? But I thought...

I find myself getting so angry over little things. I have a temper...it's true...and I hate it. Or do I? Sometimes I think I've had a bad temper so long, I just expect people to let me get away with it. What do I do? For instance, I absolutely hate being patronized or placated, and yet, I know that most of the time people must do both of these things when dealing with me because I'm so sensitive. Seems like every little thing hurts my feelings. I beat myself up inside because I can't seem to grow up. I drive myself crazy because I can't relax...it's ridiculous. I spend so much time talking through things that have already happened. (!!!). I make too big a deal out of everything.

I just told a family member that sometimes they just make me wanna scream...Ironic, considering this family member has every right to say that to ME. :). They said to me: "Talk about wanting to scream, I never know what I should say to you. So, I tell you what, I just won't say anything.". Poor thing. I don't make it easy on people. I actually dread people's silence more than I dread them yelling at me. I have an insatiable need for connection with people, but am so rigid in the ways I think about things that I push people away. I really try not to be, but it seems like this rigidity is the only thing that makes me feel safe. Again, this is ironic for someone who can't seem to handle even simple instructions from people. It's not a ritualistic, sort of OCD kind of thing. It's just that every instruction someone gives me, I have to make room for in my head. My brain, and everything else gets tired, and I can't process what people are saying to me. I snap at people, almost like someone is sticking me with a pin... Ouch! It's like there's a conveyor belt in my brain, and it's moving too slow. It's overloaded...even in simple things. I wonder all the time whether this means I'm retarded...literally.

This word, that we overuse to mean anything that's negative, actually just means "slow.". If you see the word "retard" on a piece of sheet music, it just means slow down, for example. Hmmmm. I just know I have to spend a lot of time having to "eat crow" because I've over-reacted to...anything...you name it. By the way, why do they say "eat crow"? I know what it MEANS, but what does putting a squawking black bird in your mouth have to do with admitting you're wrong, or apologizing, or taking back what you said about something?

Recovery

Duh?? But I thought...

Maybe this blog has a weird title because I feel weird. Anyway... I just read a blog post by Brant Hansen about "Mr. Spock" being in church, and growing up in church. In it, he describes wondering whether God had rejected him or something because he did not seem to be moved by church (experiences, music etc.) the way that those around him were. Wow. This got me wondering about something: when it comes to those with AS or Autism, how can someone else TELL when they are particularly moved or happy, or elated? For that matter, AS affects girls very differently than guys. Is it possible to be a female with AS and be over emotional and easily upset...even distraught over things? I wonder for two reasons: first of all, I don't seem to have trouble showing my emotions, in fact, with me...the opposite is true. My emotions hit me like an avalanche and sometimes it's very difficult for me to control their intensity. I sometimes have to separate myself from situations because my own emotions have wounded me to the point that I can't look normal anymore.

I don't know whether this happens to guys with AS as well, or not. I'm inclined to think that yes, it DOES...we just can't see it. I'll be honest: this...terrifies me. The fact is, I'm an emotional female. Now, I've said in this blog many times that I am only a self diagnosed Aspie, which, for me, just makes things more confusing. When I first began looking into AS (Suspecting that I MAY have it), I did not realize that I was looking at the symptoms for GUYS...not for girls. So, at times, I'd worry because I'd see huge inconsistencies between my behavior and "the list" I'd be looking at. Then I read that AS affects women differently, and began looking at lists of FEMALE AS traits... (BOING!!!). Man, did God turn the light on! I fit almost all of them to a tea! Even things that I'd been struggling with, like forever, but never told anyone because somehow I knew they'd never understand. Memory like an elephant: check. Gets lost in her own little world: check. Tends to bond with those older or younger than she is, rather than her "peers": Check. The list goes on and on...but as I said, the list of traits for AS in guys terrified me. Not to put myself on a pedestal, but my reasoning went like this: at least I know how to show someone that something's wrong.

In other words, a guy with AS can be completely ELATED by something and no one around him even knows it, is that right? Don't worry guys, I'm on YOUR side here; I'm just trying to get a feel (yes, there's a pun there) for how others might recognize the way guys with AS really feel about things. Remember in "Dead Poet's Society," when Niel said: "You look about as stirred up as a cesspool."? Forgive the harsh analogy guys, but is this true? If so, how can others see through that and know that you really are rather emotional about something? Would you tell us? Or might it not occur to you to say something about it? (Which is understandable). And how does this work specifically in the area of pursuit between guys and girls? Can a guy with AS be absolutely nuts about a girl, and be unable to give her any indication of that? I would imagine that if this is difficult for NT guys, it would be another story altogether for guys with AS! (I'm just sayin!). I once heard James Dobson say that a guy can't truly respect a girl if he does not feel like he has won and conquered her. In other words, if she does all the work for him, then he doesn't respect her. Is this also true for men who have AS? I would imagine so, but say a guy with AS really liked a girl, and he had no idea how to show her or tell her? What if he's "moved" by her greatly, but she has no indication of that?

I don't know...maybe, just like NT guys, if he knew he liked her he would do something about her...end of story. But when you reason things differently, and maybe, what you want to convey does not show itself...what then? Perhaps I'm making too big a deal about this. As a Christian, God really is the only one who makes any sense to me. The rest seems to be a jumbled mess I have to wade through. But in honesty, it breaks my heart that things like emotions or being particularly "moved" by something would be just a huge bother to anyone (guy or girl). Music moves me...deeply, for example. Now, granted, it depends on what music it is! Some music only moves me to turn the radio off! We respond to different things don't we? It's just that personally, I could never imagine MUSIC being this bothersome thing that someone needs to recover from. Furthermore, how does someone who's particularly emotional NOT take that personally? (Why can't you just like it because I enjoy it?...that sorta thing.). How does one learn to bond with someone who may not be able to share their interests because often these interests feel like something they need to recover from?
I've never been particularly concerned about comments... But I feel that for this entry they would be helpful! :) :). Thanks! :)

Temper Temper

Duh?? But I thought...

Though I am not currently using Eharmony, and will not use it again, I have used it in the past, and one of the questions asks how often the person loses their temper. This is simply an unfair question because there is no way to answer it without turning someone off: "Hi, I think you should know, I lose my temper several times a day". Great way to get a date. The thing is, for most of us with AS, this is just a normal part of life. We lose our temper's several times a day because our overwhelming emotions are sorta like needles jabbing us from the inside. There is a constant avalanche... with nowhere for the flow to go. Our everyday life simply does not allow for these intense, emotional responses, so we are forced to continually "file them away" somewhere in our minds, with the persistent need to lay all the puzzle pieces out for each one, and "analyze" them at a later time.

Only when these "pieces" of each emotional response are spread out in front of us, studied, pieced together and then "covered" with the "balm" of a soothing solution, can we then erase that file, or "let it go," until the next "earthquake" of an event hits us (whether it good or bad). We do our best to appear calm, and in control...normal. But as more and more of these emotional responses get no TLC, something wears thin...and if you will...the "volcano" erupts. Something starts to fray and fall apart, and, we don't realize it, but the "filing cabinet" in our mind is full. At this point, heaven help the unsuspecting person who just asks a simple question or makes a request. It can actually be painful for us to slip this innocuous thing into our overloaded brains, and the needles jab us. We have outbursts. We are suddenly irritable and unreasonable. Our thinking is distorted. Though we look completely fine, it's like trying to stop a moving train with only our hand. We can't. We snap at people, raise our voices, slam doors. Sometimes we just give people what I call the Death Glare...our gaze seems to just shoot through people and cut them. We can also stay in the other room, looking at the floor, breathing heavily, and making as much noise as possible just waiting for someone to ask what's wrong so we can release the pressure.

So, we apologize a lot. We over-explain things and sometimes over dramatize. We become afraid that the unsuspecting "victim" of our outburst or tantrum is now angry with us with the same intensity. (And why shouldn't they be, in most cases?). But at the same time, we can't bear to think of anyone being that angry with us or disappointed in us. In most cases, they are not at all (at least I find this to be true). But we live with the lingering fear. The intensity of our emotions is amazing, when it's on the flip side. We are loyal to a fault, often doing the wrong thing for the right reason, if only to show a person that we truly care. We can't stand to see anyone hurt, and will walk through fire for total strangers.

Our righteous indignation goes right through to our bones, and we can't breathe until we've stood up for what is good, decent and fair. When something bad happens to someone else, we feel it, as though it were happening to us. It takes a while for us to feel comfortable with people, but once we are, we are loyal for life. Life lessons stick with us for ages, creating a safety net around us, and our memory stretches for miles. We can remember conversations from 20 years ago like they took place just yesterday. We love very deeply. Our feelings tend to be "turned up" by the events that go on around us. For some reason, we must use this stimuli to bring ourselves to life. This is a joy when we are elated and giddy and peaceful, and happy. But when angry, depressed, scared or nervous, we often feel we will collapse under the weight. We are often scared to death that those around us will decide that they no longer want to put up with us, and that we might be rejected by those we love. So, the subject of temper is one that can be very close to those of us with AS. Our tempers can be like sleeping giants that we are trying not to awaken. The best thing to do may be to pat us on the back, believe the best about us and tell us everything's okay.

Safe

Duh?? But I thought...

I think that when you have AS, the visions in your head mean safety; but often, the realities of everyday life do not. Females (in particular) with AS have a lot of challenges with "executive function," so I keep reading. I can't count how many times I've begun even the simplest of tasks, and had to stop because I felt as though I could not stretch my mind anymore. Many of the normal daily demands of a (typical) nuero-typical person make me rather tired, to put it quite simply. In my case I don't drive, for the same reasons...it exhausts me to the point of wanting to cry.

Anyway, not having the agility or stamina to do many physical things (or only do them for a short period) makes it a challenge, even to burn our own energy. For example I would run, but even a very short amount leaves me, really sore, short of breath and feeling like I'm hyper-ventilating. So, we become immersed in our very narrow interests (I think) because they stimulate us without requiring the many changes and transitions and unexpected adjustments of say, the average married person with children. Now, many with AS DO get married & they DO have children...and very successfully. I just find that one of my obsessions is conquering the the "fear" that I won't succeed at marriage. This has been quite confusing to me for a number of reasons.

First of all, love always happens when you are not looking for it. How can this happen when my obsession is to find it? This dream, this obsession, this hope...keeps me excited, keeps me going, breathes life into me... But it's only in my head. The realities of marriage by practical experience, I know not of. I can only dream of it, and try to fill my lack of experience with "knowledge" on the subject, but this does not sharpen my instinct for the "grey" areas of life. It only gives me the FEELING that this has happened.

Secondly, why does someone who prizes being alone and having solitude want to be with someone else so bad anyway? I've never been able to figure this out. Right now I have the solitude I love...I should be HAPPY. Here's the thing: the solitude continually refuels the visions in my head that I so desperately want to apply to real life...but I can't. I need another half (as they say) to do that. This is not because I'm not good enough on my own. The visions in my head have a man and woman in them. It's not just me. This leads me to feel that there is incompleteness in my life, period. I can't seem to help it. This is a state of mind that I continually feel guilty for because I'm supposed to let God fill that emptiness, and not need anyone, right? It does not go away because the quiet and "aloneness" fuel the visions in my head, which are beautiful, wonderful, and comforting, but not reality.

It is at this point that I realize that I must keep busy, get out there and do something in order to get my mind on something else. With no car, general anxiety and awkwardness in social situations, this also is quite a challenge. I feel strange and excluded. Pressured. It's as though I have to force a lot of akward exchanges where I didn't quite "get it" to some secret spot in my mind, and behave as though they do not bother me, just to get along with others. But they do bother me. It dawns on me, that when I'm alone, none of these akward social adjustments are necessary. I run back to my solitude, and the visions and dreams begin again. The ones of me being one of two, mean. They grow and change and flourish into a hope I can't explain...but this is not reality. The truth dawns on me again...that I cannot afford to stay in this frame of mind because as soothing as it is for a time, it's simply unrealistic.

Reluctantly, I return back to reality & try to be an adult again, making lists of groceries, and Bible verses and things I should do around the house. Sometimes these endeavors are accomplished (YES!!!), sometimes not. There is a hurt inside because I have "abandoned" the most precious hope in my life. I want it back! I can't have it back, because I must stay busy and productive, social awkwardness and the sinking feeling of "drop" that I try to ignore, a lingering presence. I then resolve that somehow, some way, I need to find some sort of middle ground, where my dreams of being a couple can flourish while the reality that it is so much better for me to be single can play itself out. I then enthusiastically set out on this journey to find that strange Shang gri La. It never happens.

I am always right between two realities pulling me in two opposite directions. My dreams drown me. Reality rescues me for a time, but then becomes depressing and unfulfilling, and I need to dream. Perhaps this is more "typical" than I realize. But no wonder marriage seems to some refuge from boredom! This is awful. I probably should not have even said thar. Never get married because you are bored, or you want to escape. The consequences are dyer (so I've always been told). I believe it. I just wish I could "stop," and know that there is no need for another reality. God's grace is sufficient.