Duh?? But I thought... As the holiday season draws very near, this can mean special worries for those with Autism. Sometimes I think that the general belief can be that someone just hates the holidays in general because of their autism. This actually is not (necessarily) true. Depending on the person, we LOVE Christmas too!! We do! The problem is often that our levels of anxiety, and all things related to it, affect us in such a way that it can seem as though the opposite is true.
Sometimes the opposite IS true. Many of us dread Christmas and we simply don't like it. The endless family plans, changes in plans, last minute decisions, endless foods we are not used to, made by people we may not even know, the noise, music too loud, people screaming, or just talking too loud all at once. All this is a lot for our senses. I've not even gotten to the over-the-top noise that comes with opening presents, gifts that make loud noises or bright lights, people who've had too much to drink, and the endless gunshots and fireworks of new years eve. Yikes!!
Gee, the idea here is to have an enjoyable get-together to celebrate, right? What happened?? Expectations can run high, stress goes way up (for everyone), depression is common. What would I say to offer some relief.? I posted about this yesterday as well, but let's see...
As I say on this blog all the time, I am not a doctor. I cannot diagnose anything or look at it medically...this is all my personal opinion.
RECOVERY:
For autistic adults and children: I cannot emphasize enough, the importance of having what I like to call a Recovery Room. The Recovery Room is simply a quiet place where both adults and children can go to unwind when things just become too much. Usually, when someone needs the recovery room, they need it to themselves. So if you have the luxury of having more than one Recovery Room, this is a great thing, especially if there are multiple Autistics in the house. In my opinion, the most ideal situation, particularly for children, is when the holidays are in their home, and the family comes to visit them. This way, the child is still in familiar surroundings, and the Recovery Room is the comfort of their own bedroom. This makes it much easier for them to have access to all their favorite things and relax.
If you're visiting for the holidays, try to scope out a recovery place ahead of time, if possible; a bedroom, a den, but try to set up a "corner" where someone who needs it can withdraw and do their own thing. Sometimes this doesn't necessarily have to even be quiet...it can be just an area set apart...maybe someone wants to try out their new light saber! In this case, someone's back yard can be your greatest refuge!
Note: For autistic teens and adults, a common place of refuge can be a car (whether their own, or someone else's.) This can apply especially to cases where there is no Recovery Room. Alow them to take a drive, or just grab the keys, unlock your car and sit in the driveway for awhile. Most likely, they're not angry with anyone, they simply need some alone time. It is also wise, if at all possible, to have a "designated driver.". The designated driver is available to help those who do not drive make an escape when necessary. This can be a lifesaver for a teen or adult who does not drive and might be worrying about what do if the stress stress gets to be too much. Also, for children, sometimes the motion of the car, and playing their favorite music can help to settle them down.
Note: Parents with autism, if possible, try to designate a baby-sitter on Christmas eve and Christmas day, which usually would not be difficult with so much family around, right? Whether it's grandma, a cousin, sibling...try to "assign" someone else the job of watching your kids and taking things over if you are simply overwhelmed. This way, you can get a nap or go for a drive maybe, just to unwind a bit.
PRESENTS:
NT's, do not be offended if your autistic relative does not like your gift or does not know what to do with it. Unfortunately, our brains are wired to anticipate disaster. Gifts often mean pressure because...(what if we don't like it, or can't use it?). We know that there is this requirement put on us to show appreciation and be grateful...but what if we don't like it...what do we do? Always save receipts and tell us why you thought we might like it.
Please remember that this is not a personal attack on you. It's just the way we reason things out.
Some rules of thumb regarding presents:
1. Listen Beforehand: (This means before Christmas). When someone with autism really wants something, we WILL tell you about it! We might never stop talking about it in fact! Listen & write things down if you can...that way, when Christmas comes, you will be able to avoid putting us on the spot asking us what we want. Autistics feel pressure with this question because we want to please the one who's asking:
"What if it's too expensive?"
"What if they can't find the right one?"
"what if my request seems stupid or juvinille to them?"
"What if they think I don't need it? "
"What if they make fun of me behind my back?"
2. Cash is universal. Cash can often be your best bet because we are allowed to go and pick out what we want. This can also take pressure off the giver who has no earthly idea what you might like!
3. Tell them beforehand and let them pick it out themselves! This can be such a joy to someone who's autistic! They have complete control, they see exactly what they're getting AND (we) don't have to pay for it!! True, this does take away the element of surprise for the giver, but think of it this way: you will be raved about! Possibly for the entire year because of the unbridled joy you gave your autistic relative because they knew exactly what they were getting!
Note: For parents with autistic children... Always ask parents what they believe their children would like, or whether something would be appropriate for them. Often we purchase things we think the other person would love, especially for children. However this can unknowingly create unforeseen difficulties for parents as far as noise levels, parts that are too small, difficulty in putting it together, et.
Note: For parents who have autism: Bear in mind that gifts purchased for children of autistic parents, may just suddenly "disappear" or "go bye bye" because of things like I just mentioned; noise level, bright lights, parts that go EVERYWHERE...(remember light bright pegs?). It's important to try and think about whether a kid playing with this toy is going to create work or stress for their parents.
Note: For those with autism: If you have trouble appreciating the gift, then show your appreciation for the EFFORT. This is not dishonest. It's loving, and it helps the giver feel at ease.
FOOD:
Many folks with autism will only eat certain things. This is especially true for kids. Part of the anxiety of holidays is the dread of not wanting to eat or drink anything at the table. Try to plan ahead and be reassuring that plenty of that favorite food will be available for them. Do not be embarrassed if you need to buy extra frozen fries and chicken nuggets, for example. Keep this in mind particularly if someone has a sensitive stomach or digestive issues. Also, try to let all relatives know that it's nothing personal when their autistic relative does not care to try anything else. It can be very overwhelming and embarrassing for someone with autism, at the table with everyone talking, while they are asked to try all these foods that may have strange smells or textures....is something too hot or spicy, too salty or sweet?
On the other hand there are often certain foods that an autistic person adores...and looks forward to eating all year! As we know, often those who are autistic really do LOVE Christmas, and they want to be involved in the preparation. Tell them you can't wait to eat their famous (macaroni & cheese) for example, and suggest that they make it! This can give someone with autism a great sense of accomplishment!
For younger kids, find something you know they like and give them the option that they help you make it. Better still, ask if there's anything in particular they would like to eat at Christmas, and let them help you make it. :))
SWITCHER-ROO:
Family coming can often mean changes in rooms of the house. We must make room for our amazing Christmas tree, which often means, rearranging furniture, and boxes all over the living room. We might need to put a leaf in the dining room table, bring up different chairs, different dishes, and even a SPECIAL table for the kids. Consistency is very important, so when big changes need to be made in the house, always try to plan the day, and let your loved ones with autism know early. If need be, write it down somewhere so they have a reminder. The "switcher-roo process" can be a bit tricky depending on age and sensitivity. The day of bringing the tree home is universally exciting, I would say. EVERYONE wants to be there for that! But the process of preparing the room for this, can be quite different! For very young children, this might be a good time to let them spend the day at grandma's, or have someone take them out for the day. Then when they come home, show them the space that the tree will go...and they can anticipate it! But in the switcher-roo process, your Recovery Room(s) can also be most helpful. If adults and teens want to help in this process, try to assign their tasks ahead of time, or allow them to choose what they want to do.
Note: Family spending the night can be a special challenge, especially if the Recovery Rooms must be taken over for a while. If a person's Recovery Room must be altered or changed, try to make sure there is ample notice, so a different place for "alone time" can be arranged. If at all possible, don't allow another relative to sleep in the autistic's bed (unless of course they say it's okay).
The main thing is to always make sure that the autistic knows exactly what's happening, especially where personal space is concerned, so that there is not a feeling of betrayal or violation.
ATTENTION:
One thing that can make an autistic person feel secure during such a busy time can be to plan one thing to do that is especially for them alone. This can be done at home or going out...but the important thing is that they know you are reserving some time just for them. During the holidays, so much time & energy goes into changes that don't occur the rest of the year. Lot's of new information to compute, and in general it can make someone with autism feel very uneasy. Reserving one activity where you give all your attention just let's someone with autism know that you haven't forgotten about them.
QUIET!:
In my opinion, never underestimate the power of a good pair of headphones. This can be especially true on New Years Eve when the gunshots, and fireworks can seem endless. Go ahead and pay the extra money for the expensive headphones with better sound quality...they seem to block out loud noises better. I like to put together playlists that are just for relaxation, and then my mp3 player is my best friend. This dilemma can be especially challenging for young children. Let them know early that there will be a lot of noise, later in the evening, and assure them that you will be right there with them. If there are pets that must be kept inside, let your young children share in "protecting" the pets so that they know they're not the only ones with anxiety. Turn on their favorite music or movie, and just try to make them as comfortable a possible with different things to comfort them & keep them busy. Whatever works, be it weighted blankets, certain stuffed animals, a couch cushion fort in the living room, a sensory bin, a set of blocks.
So, as you can tell, the main thing here is alleviating anxiety and helping those with Autism cope during the holidays. Hopefully some of these things can help bring encouragement & let people enjoy themselves a bit. Merry Christmas & a happy new year!
So, as you can tell the goal
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Monday, November 30, 2015
Rules of Thumb. For Aspie's...
Duh?? But I thought...
Just to clarify: These are for the Autistic to keep in mind.
The idea here is not to take these to all your NT friends and family and go,
"Okay, if you would only do this."
I don't know why they are called "rules of thumb" but that isn't important.
1. Would I want THAT said about ME? No? Okay then.
2. Did I SAY something that probably WOULD piss other people off? Yes? Okay then.
3. Is it okay to get a "Do Not Disturb" sign? Well, do you not want to be disturbed?
4. Quite possibly the three most important words ever: "That's too loud.". You think? Okay, lower your voice.
5. When you put A LOT of effort into something, do you like it when all you get is complaints? No? Really?
6. Does unnecessary information annoy you? Yes? Okay then.
7. Do I really need someone to let ME off the hook when I mess up? Yes? Sometimes without so much as an apology? Well, there ya go.
8. Don't you hate it when the person you're watching TV with keeps telling you what happens next? Yeah?
9. Do I hate it when people cut me off and finish my sentences for me? (Od course...my favorite thing is to give out information!)
10. Do you hate it when you're rushed, and can't have your turn at something? (Because your friend wants to say something now).
11. Does this list seem sarcastic and a bit...unkind? Really? I hadn't noticed...
12. Do you hate the excuses people use for not doing the right thing? Of course. Okay then. Behave yourself.
Just to clarify: These are for the Autistic to keep in mind.
The idea here is not to take these to all your NT friends and family and go,
"Okay, if you would only do this."
I don't know why they are called "rules of thumb" but that isn't important.
1. Would I want THAT said about ME? No? Okay then.
2. Did I SAY something that probably WOULD piss other people off? Yes? Okay then.
3. Is it okay to get a "Do Not Disturb" sign? Well, do you not want to be disturbed?
4. Quite possibly the three most important words ever: "That's too loud.". You think? Okay, lower your voice.
5. When you put A LOT of effort into something, do you like it when all you get is complaints? No? Really?
6. Does unnecessary information annoy you? Yes? Okay then.
7. Do I really need someone to let ME off the hook when I mess up? Yes? Sometimes without so much as an apology? Well, there ya go.
8. Don't you hate it when the person you're watching TV with keeps telling you what happens next? Yeah?
9. Do I hate it when people cut me off and finish my sentences for me? (Od course...my favorite thing is to give out information!)
10. Do you hate it when you're rushed, and can't have your turn at something? (Because your friend wants to say something now).
11. Does this list seem sarcastic and a bit...unkind? Really? I hadn't noticed...
12. Do you hate the excuses people use for not doing the right thing? Of course. Okay then. Behave yourself.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
WORSE?? HOW CAN THEY GET ANY WORSE???
Duh?? But I thought...
Have been kicking myself for having a meltdown both last night and today. During a meltdown, I seem to want to make others feel just as out of control as I do. But afterwards, I feel just as bad and angry with myself for being so...mean, so immature, so ridiculous, so...out of control. I kick myself for not being an adult. Adulthood...the "destination" I seem to have fought so hard to get to...even though, it's a journey...and EVERYONE goes backwards sometimes. (Hey, that pile of stuffed animals on my bed is not going anywhere!!) :)). I'm very very blessed to have a supportive family who is very patient with me.
Oh! The kicking myself after a meltdown is crazy; sometimes I wonder if I've gotten so used to this "emotional roller coaster" that I create it. It's sort of like being in the car, at the top of the hill, and you're right on the edge... I can see the track out in front of me, but the coaster is stuck up there. What am I supposed to do...just SIT here!!! I've found myself trying to explain what that whole process feels like. The extreme enthusiasm at anticipating something you're excited for...waiting for it...hoping for it...planing for it, relishing it, loving it, maybe even tasting it in your mouth, counting down the minutes until it comes. Maybe knowing that you have some time RELAX...which is wonderful, because you really need it...
All this followed by...what I explained just now. The roller coaster, the changed plan, the hope deferred, the adjustment that suddenly has to be adjusted to! The emotional plummet downhill. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??? (AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!). It's like fireworks that are supposed to go POP...but they only smolder and smoke...(guess this one is a dud?). Then all of the sudden, when you least expect it... BOOM!!! But later there's a much worse feeling of drop...it's the sheer embarrassment that follows the childlike temper tantrum. It's the feeling that whomever was around when the coaster came down the hill at full speed has every right to just kill you...and you're just praying that they won't!! It's like a little kid thinking "Please don't be mad at me!"
So being that it's the Christmas season again, we've put on "Christmas Vacation" a couple times. And tonight, it hit me... It's like being Clark Griswold. The up and down roller coaster of Asperger's Syndrome is like being Clark Griswold. Now, this does not mean that you'll have 25,000 twinkle lights on your house...but you might WANT to. (Come on...admit it...come on!). No seriously...I'm talking about the anticipation inside and the way it builds...and builds and builds...
"It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind sparky. You set standards that no family event can ever live up to."
"When have I ever done that?"
"Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations..."
In English, when get excited about something, we get VERY excited about it. We see the way we really want things to go, and often take on way too much at once, with stars in our eyes because we're dreaming about how wonderful it's going to be. Then when we've taken on too much, we "go outside for the season" because there's often too much chaos. So, mentally, we want to climb up on the roof and put up Christmas lights for hours...even if it means we freeze to death, because, at least up there...it's quiet! We now require the rest of our family to sort of "take over" a situation that we started... We built it up in our mind, we anticipated it...and the thought of it taking place kept us going...sorta, "got us high," emotionally. But then...we actually have to DO all this...We have to dig the tree out of the ground, that is so huge, it won't fit in our yard, but WE want to fit it in our living room instead. We have to have way too many people in the house...in spite of our family's objections, and then we spend hours putting up thousands of Christmas lights...in joyful anticipation of our family's oooh's and ahhh's, only to have a complete meltdown when they don't work!! We begin kicking, screaming & cursing...being cranky like an infant...not realizing that all our hard work has paid off...all we need do is turn on the switch!
So, our big "ball of anticipation" keeps unraveling...while we are "holding it together" the whole time like the Little Engine that Could, saying "I think I can, I think I can!". But eventually, their comes a point where the "Christmas bonus" we were anticipating...that would have made all the stress worth it, turns into a membership in the Jelly of the Month Club...and there is no money to put in our glorious built in swimming pool...which was the "big one" that would've made this whole mess worth it. We through a wall eye'd fit, destroying things in the process, taking in huge gulps of egg nog or some other comforting drink, while we're cursing and swearing and yelling about how we REALLY want to give someone a piece of our mind. (!!!). Every once in a while, someone close to us says "May I remind you that this was all your idea?". The answer is: " No, no...I'm well aware of that!"
Now of course, this is a fictional scenario...and blown way out of proportion. But this is my point. When something goes beyond our control and we can't cope with it or fix it, we might even feel this way on the inside...and no one sees it because we keep it under wraps. We know we can't REALLY behave like this, but inside, something is just making us nuts! When the meltdown comes, it's because we can no longer keep our feelings at bay. Often, we feel stupid because we have somehow caused, we think...whatever has gone wrong. But often, just like Clark...we do not admit this...we think we are just doing what needs to be done in order to solve a problem...and that if we had not been required to change any of our plans...then we would be just fine. Real life, so often just does not work this way however. Things happen, don't they? We have to make unexpected transitions, whether major or minor. I'm really trying to figure how I can make it easier to just roll with it in real, normal everyday life...not the movie "Christmas Vacation.". I'll have to see how it goes...but in the meantime, I need a lot of mercy from those around me! (Goodness!). I suppose, when you have to work hard to take it easy, something needs work. But sometimes when we feel as though maybe everyone should just "go home before things get worse...". Well, you get the idea. :))
Have been kicking myself for having a meltdown both last night and today. During a meltdown, I seem to want to make others feel just as out of control as I do. But afterwards, I feel just as bad and angry with myself for being so...mean, so immature, so ridiculous, so...out of control. I kick myself for not being an adult. Adulthood...the "destination" I seem to have fought so hard to get to...even though, it's a journey...and EVERYONE goes backwards sometimes. (Hey, that pile of stuffed animals on my bed is not going anywhere!!) :)). I'm very very blessed to have a supportive family who is very patient with me.
Oh! The kicking myself after a meltdown is crazy; sometimes I wonder if I've gotten so used to this "emotional roller coaster" that I create it. It's sort of like being in the car, at the top of the hill, and you're right on the edge... I can see the track out in front of me, but the coaster is stuck up there. What am I supposed to do...just SIT here!!! I've found myself trying to explain what that whole process feels like. The extreme enthusiasm at anticipating something you're excited for...waiting for it...hoping for it...planing for it, relishing it, loving it, maybe even tasting it in your mouth, counting down the minutes until it comes. Maybe knowing that you have some time RELAX...which is wonderful, because you really need it...
All this followed by...what I explained just now. The roller coaster, the changed plan, the hope deferred, the adjustment that suddenly has to be adjusted to! The emotional plummet downhill. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??? (AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!). It's like fireworks that are supposed to go POP...but they only smolder and smoke...(guess this one is a dud?). Then all of the sudden, when you least expect it... BOOM!!! But later there's a much worse feeling of drop...it's the sheer embarrassment that follows the childlike temper tantrum. It's the feeling that whomever was around when the coaster came down the hill at full speed has every right to just kill you...and you're just praying that they won't!! It's like a little kid thinking "Please don't be mad at me!"
So being that it's the Christmas season again, we've put on "Christmas Vacation" a couple times. And tonight, it hit me... It's like being Clark Griswold. The up and down roller coaster of Asperger's Syndrome is like being Clark Griswold. Now, this does not mean that you'll have 25,000 twinkle lights on your house...but you might WANT to. (Come on...admit it...come on!). No seriously...I'm talking about the anticipation inside and the way it builds...and builds and builds...
"It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind sparky. You set standards that no family event can ever live up to."
"When have I ever done that?"
"Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations..."
In English, when get excited about something, we get VERY excited about it. We see the way we really want things to go, and often take on way too much at once, with stars in our eyes because we're dreaming about how wonderful it's going to be. Then when we've taken on too much, we "go outside for the season" because there's often too much chaos. So, mentally, we want to climb up on the roof and put up Christmas lights for hours...even if it means we freeze to death, because, at least up there...it's quiet! We now require the rest of our family to sort of "take over" a situation that we started... We built it up in our mind, we anticipated it...and the thought of it taking place kept us going...sorta, "got us high," emotionally. But then...we actually have to DO all this...We have to dig the tree out of the ground, that is so huge, it won't fit in our yard, but WE want to fit it in our living room instead. We have to have way too many people in the house...in spite of our family's objections, and then we spend hours putting up thousands of Christmas lights...in joyful anticipation of our family's oooh's and ahhh's, only to have a complete meltdown when they don't work!! We begin kicking, screaming & cursing...being cranky like an infant...not realizing that all our hard work has paid off...all we need do is turn on the switch!
So, our big "ball of anticipation" keeps unraveling...while we are "holding it together" the whole time like the Little Engine that Could, saying "I think I can, I think I can!". But eventually, their comes a point where the "Christmas bonus" we were anticipating...that would have made all the stress worth it, turns into a membership in the Jelly of the Month Club...and there is no money to put in our glorious built in swimming pool...which was the "big one" that would've made this whole mess worth it. We through a wall eye'd fit, destroying things in the process, taking in huge gulps of egg nog or some other comforting drink, while we're cursing and swearing and yelling about how we REALLY want to give someone a piece of our mind. (!!!). Every once in a while, someone close to us says "May I remind you that this was all your idea?". The answer is: " No, no...I'm well aware of that!"
Now of course, this is a fictional scenario...and blown way out of proportion. But this is my point. When something goes beyond our control and we can't cope with it or fix it, we might even feel this way on the inside...and no one sees it because we keep it under wraps. We know we can't REALLY behave like this, but inside, something is just making us nuts! When the meltdown comes, it's because we can no longer keep our feelings at bay. Often, we feel stupid because we have somehow caused, we think...whatever has gone wrong. But often, just like Clark...we do not admit this...we think we are just doing what needs to be done in order to solve a problem...and that if we had not been required to change any of our plans...then we would be just fine. Real life, so often just does not work this way however. Things happen, don't they? We have to make unexpected transitions, whether major or minor. I'm really trying to figure how I can make it easier to just roll with it in real, normal everyday life...not the movie "Christmas Vacation.". I'll have to see how it goes...but in the meantime, I need a lot of mercy from those around me! (Goodness!). I suppose, when you have to work hard to take it easy, something needs work. But sometimes when we feel as though maybe everyone should just "go home before things get worse...". Well, you get the idea. :))
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Ten Things I'd say to an Aspie Female...
Duh?? But I thought...
Just saw a post dealing with ten things someone would say to a woman/girl with AS if they were her therapist. I was intrigued, until I realized that each one was at least two paragraphs long...and very very deep. Look, I don't know whether my attention span literally has become shorter from being online all the time, but there was no way I could read it all...too heavy. However, I did get the idea to make up my own list. So, short and sweet, here it is:
Ten Things I'd Say to an Aspie Female if I Were Her Therapist:
1. Crying is okay here.
2. You can look at the floor when you need to.
(when I ask if you understand what I mean, just nod so I know)
3. Stimming is okay. I won't mind if you rock back & forth, tap your foot, or play with your hair.
4. Pillows and comfy things are okay. Bring something to hold, squeeze, or stroke
If you like...a Teddy bear, a pillow, a ball, a ribbon.
5. I won't be offended if you show up in your PJ's
(as long as they cover everything that they should.) :)
6. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't or should not have kids (if you want them.)
7. You can do it! You can do it! You can do it!
8. Everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves,
you can't let the world judge you too much.
9. Make it a point to allow your parents to BE your parents.
Respect them, even when you don't feel they've respected you.
10. Sit back, enjoy the ride, and if you go easy on yourself you can go easy on others too.
Don't assume that you "can't"...always believe that you can...and just keep walking.
Find a safe place to go crazy when you need to...and then keep walking.
And there you have it. No doubt I could add more, but I think this about sums it up. :)
Just saw a post dealing with ten things someone would say to a woman/girl with AS if they were her therapist. I was intrigued, until I realized that each one was at least two paragraphs long...and very very deep. Look, I don't know whether my attention span literally has become shorter from being online all the time, but there was no way I could read it all...too heavy. However, I did get the idea to make up my own list. So, short and sweet, here it is:
Ten Things I'd Say to an Aspie Female if I Were Her Therapist:
1. Crying is okay here.
2. You can look at the floor when you need to.
(when I ask if you understand what I mean, just nod so I know)
3. Stimming is okay. I won't mind if you rock back & forth, tap your foot, or play with your hair.
4. Pillows and comfy things are okay. Bring something to hold, squeeze, or stroke
If you like...a Teddy bear, a pillow, a ball, a ribbon.
5. I won't be offended if you show up in your PJ's
(as long as they cover everything that they should.) :)
6. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't or should not have kids (if you want them.)
7. You can do it! You can do it! You can do it!
8. Everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves,
you can't let the world judge you too much.
9. Make it a point to allow your parents to BE your parents.
Respect them, even when you don't feel they've respected you.
10. Sit back, enjoy the ride, and if you go easy on yourself you can go easy on others too.
Don't assume that you "can't"...always believe that you can...and just keep walking.
Find a safe place to go crazy when you need to...and then keep walking.
And there you have it. No doubt I could add more, but I think this about sums it up. :)
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Asperger's Syndrome: What's Going on Anyway? (Seven Simple Definitions)
Duh?? But I thought...
Was on Facebook just now, and saw yet another post attempting to explain Asperger's Syndrome, or AS to those who do not have it. I am so convinced now that those with AS need help navigating through the world at large out there as well, rather than only trying to teach those who do not have AS to understand those who have it. But that's another story for another day...
Anyway, when attempting to explain AS to someone, we seem to make it so difficult a lot of the time. The proverbial "web" of strange, "treatment center jargon" sounding terms by itself can be hard to make sense out of for sure..."discalculia"(???)
So, here I am again, attempting to clear the air.
Note: I am not a doctor. What is written here is only my opinion.
1. Autism. It means "one" as in the word "automobile."
Autistics gravitate inward, and do their own thing.
2. Asperger's Syndrome. It's a type of Autism that simply bears the last name of the man who discovered it.
It has a soft "g" as in "general".
In my opinion, it's best to pronounce it with emphasis on the PER rather than the AS, to prevent saying
"Ass-perger's Syndrome"
Think: asBERjer's Syndrome, and you got it.
It is often called "A.S." for short.
People with AS often refer to themselves as "Aspies".
3. Boys and Girls. Girls often hide it better, so they are simply not diagnosed as much as boys are.
AS is basically Autism without the speech delay, and learning disabilities that can accompany it.
But AS has it's own symptoms and characteristics, many of which mirror Autism.
I've found that general lists of symptoms for AS, are symptoms in boys.
Make sure you look specifically at AS symptoms in girls, when dealing with how it affects females.
(Otherwise symptoms may not match).
4. Neuro-Typical's. Neuro-Typical's are simply people who do not have AS or Autism. In other words, their
brains are wired in the "typical" way.
Neuro-Typical's are often called "NT's" for short.
5. "Discalculia". In my opinion, this is a crazy term that literally sounds made up.
Put simply, it means: Trouble calculating numbers.
I'll explain like this...when we work with numbers or information involving numbers, it's as though our
brains have to "switch channels" and often, our math channel is "scrambled"
if you will.
Have you ever heard someone say: "My mind doesn't work this way" when
they're dealing with math? Yeah, it's like that.
Mind you, this is not to say that AS is always involved there. :)
6. Meltdowns. Meltdown's are overload's of information that cause us to act out because of too much stimuli.
Often, meltdowns are when we become irritable, and unreasonable, and need "alone" time.
7. Stimuli. Anything around us that stimulates our senses: Light, sound, smells, textures, tastes in our mouth.
Trouble processing all of this is what's called "Sensory Processing Disorder."
Simply put, this means: It's all too much, I can't take anymore right now.
Imagine a hose that gets a kink in it. The water is on full blast, but has slowed to
a trickle, while the pressure builds inside. When the kink comes out, the water gushes, full blast (!!!)
To me, this is what overload feels like.
This often leads to meltdowns.
Was on Facebook just now, and saw yet another post attempting to explain Asperger's Syndrome, or AS to those who do not have it. I am so convinced now that those with AS need help navigating through the world at large out there as well, rather than only trying to teach those who do not have AS to understand those who have it. But that's another story for another day...
Anyway, when attempting to explain AS to someone, we seem to make it so difficult a lot of the time. The proverbial "web" of strange, "treatment center jargon" sounding terms by itself can be hard to make sense out of for sure..."discalculia"(???)
So, here I am again, attempting to clear the air.
Note: I am not a doctor. What is written here is only my opinion.
1. Autism. It means "one" as in the word "automobile."
Autistics gravitate inward, and do their own thing.
2. Asperger's Syndrome. It's a type of Autism that simply bears the last name of the man who discovered it.
It has a soft "g" as in "general".
In my opinion, it's best to pronounce it with emphasis on the PER rather than the AS, to prevent saying
"Ass-perger's Syndrome"
Think: asBERjer's Syndrome, and you got it.
It is often called "A.S." for short.
People with AS often refer to themselves as "Aspies".
3. Boys and Girls. Girls often hide it better, so they are simply not diagnosed as much as boys are.
AS is basically Autism without the speech delay, and learning disabilities that can accompany it.
But AS has it's own symptoms and characteristics, many of which mirror Autism.
I've found that general lists of symptoms for AS, are symptoms in boys.
Make sure you look specifically at AS symptoms in girls, when dealing with how it affects females.
(Otherwise symptoms may not match).
4. Neuro-Typical's. Neuro-Typical's are simply people who do not have AS or Autism. In other words, their
brains are wired in the "typical" way.
Neuro-Typical's are often called "NT's" for short.
5. "Discalculia". In my opinion, this is a crazy term that literally sounds made up.
Put simply, it means: Trouble calculating numbers.
I'll explain like this...when we work with numbers or information involving numbers, it's as though our
brains have to "switch channels" and often, our math channel is "scrambled"
if you will.
Have you ever heard someone say: "My mind doesn't work this way" when
they're dealing with math? Yeah, it's like that.
Mind you, this is not to say that AS is always involved there. :)
6. Meltdowns. Meltdown's are overload's of information that cause us to act out because of too much stimuli.
Often, meltdowns are when we become irritable, and unreasonable, and need "alone" time.
7. Stimuli. Anything around us that stimulates our senses: Light, sound, smells, textures, tastes in our mouth.
Trouble processing all of this is what's called "Sensory Processing Disorder."
Simply put, this means: It's all too much, I can't take anymore right now.
Imagine a hose that gets a kink in it. The water is on full blast, but has slowed to
a trickle, while the pressure builds inside. When the kink comes out, the water gushes, full blast (!!!)
To me, this is what overload feels like.
This often leads to meltdowns.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Get it Together
Duh?? But I thought...
Hello...(my name is)...and I have a problem with my temper. Even as a kid, I would wonder why my feelings seemed to just shoot through me like lightening bolts. I just have always felt things very strongly. Little things would make me very giddy and happy...sentimental, or so excited I could barely stand it. But since these were true, the opposites have also been true.
It's called "impulse control," but I think "temper" is more accurate. I can easily remember verbatim, something that happened 20 years ago, but I will forget where I put something five minutes ago...and then be reduced to tears trying to find it. My thought process starts out rational: "Just look for it, you'll find it.". I'll search around awhile, feeling a rush of excitement every time I remember a place where it could be, but then having my heart drop when it isn't there. I look around again, trying to go over places I've missed...but still nothing. I try to stay calm, thinking if I just keep looking I'l find it, while I feel this internal pressure building.
Pretty soon, I'm stomping from room to room, talking to myself louder and louder, wringing my hands up and down, wanting anyone in the room to stop what they are doing and help me look, but not asking. At this point, Heaven help anyone who tries to be helpful and ask me where it could be....they are now going to get yelled at, because either I've already looked their several times, and I can't believe they would not KNOW that I would be smart enough to look there; or I'm angry with them for suggesting some place I did NOT look, because now I feel like a stupid fool for not thinking of that.
Either way, this loss of control that I suddenly feel is constrewed as someone else's fault. Now I'm slamming doors and rushing from room to room proclaiming in some irritating whine that things do not just DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR!! (Now where the hell did it go??). I never actually believe that someone else has hidden what I can't find...somehow I know better than that...but it's at this point that I expect the God of this universe to just stop running everything, and produce that object...NOW!! I then need to sit down, my eyes tearing up and I feel like a child who needs a nap. This leaves me with profound embarrassment. Why can't I control myself? An adult would not act like this. Why does this feel so overwhelming? This is coupled with worries about what will take place if I do not find what I'm looking for...if I've misplaced my ATM card, for example. This is actually one of the worst scenarios because then I start imagining everything that might happen if I can't access my money. (Oh man...just calm down, deep breath, deep breath!
Somewhere underneath all that, there is a little pat of me that knows that it probably will be fine...it's not as bad as I'm making it. I just dearly wish that this part of me were as big as the panic and the bad temper. Part of me truly does not want to go through these irrational reactions. I try to keep them at bay as much as possible, change my thinking, change my reaction, or not react at all. This is an area where I seem to screw up first, then realize what I should have done or said, but the problem is that the damage has usually been done already. I used the example of being unable to find something because that's one of the more tame examples I can think of.
I mean, I try to empathize with people as much as possible, but this is usually a lot easier to do with those I'm not related to. Is there something about being close enough to someone that now they HAVE to put up all my crap? Unfortunately, yes. I've done this too many times to count. Is it unfair? Absolutely! What's harder is explaining to someone the autistic temperament, while correctly owning up to all my crap. Translation: I know I can't blame Autism every time I have a knee jerk reaction, or I completely unload on someone in frustration...but Autism does play a part in this...
I've always been described as sweet. The good girl. That was, and still is me. In school, I was the one who always got tons of certificates for citizenship. Translation: I knew how to behave myself. But often, with those closest to me, I will have a short fuse; start to yell, say things that are stinging and totally irrational, have a sharp, biting tone, stomp off and slam the door...literally like a child testing limits. All the time, I am painfully aware that I am no longer a child, and should be able to "handle" not getting my own way better than this. So, am I just being a spoiled brat? Sometimes, absolutely yes! But what happens when I am literally "pressing" too hard because my inability to cope has swallowed me up? What happens when I need more mercy than I can give back, because my mental capacity will not stretch that far? This is one of the things Autism causes; an acute sort of mental "fatigue" that stems from an inability to predict what will happen, or control a situation. This means something has happened that makes me feel unsafe...and now I'm acting out.
It's sort of like screaming "Help!"...but the scream never makes it out. The logical question at this point would be "Why don't you just ask?". Maybe because it seems too late at this point because I've already over reacted. So the million dollar question then becomes; "Why don't you ask before you react?". That's the problem...I don't know. Seems easy enough, right? Just ask. I'm talking about times when all the logic seems drained out of a situation because I have asked, and I feel I've looked everywhere...and nothing. At this point, I may as well have a sign on the front of me that says: "DON't YOU THINK I KNOW THAT??". If you're thinking; "Ouch!". That's just it...that's the way it feels inside me too. (ouch).
So, having a bad temper is tough because of both the reality and the stigma attached. It is true, a temper can be "used" to create a sort of "partition" between us (me) and the intimacy of another person...but what about the person who is truly wanting to master theirs, and they are not sure how? This is where I wish I had more answers...but at the same time, I'm confident they are out there somewhere. All I can say is, if we scare you, it's probably because we're that scared ourselves. Truly, we are like lions who need to remind ourselves that we can still roar. ...No, I didn't know this applied to GIRLS either! But it does. Gee, how to girls couple this with being...you know...a GIRL?
How do I explain that I'd rather die than make anybody think they can't trust me?
Hello...(my name is)...and I have a problem with my temper. Even as a kid, I would wonder why my feelings seemed to just shoot through me like lightening bolts. I just have always felt things very strongly. Little things would make me very giddy and happy...sentimental, or so excited I could barely stand it. But since these were true, the opposites have also been true.
It's called "impulse control," but I think "temper" is more accurate. I can easily remember verbatim, something that happened 20 years ago, but I will forget where I put something five minutes ago...and then be reduced to tears trying to find it. My thought process starts out rational: "Just look for it, you'll find it.". I'll search around awhile, feeling a rush of excitement every time I remember a place where it could be, but then having my heart drop when it isn't there. I look around again, trying to go over places I've missed...but still nothing. I try to stay calm, thinking if I just keep looking I'l find it, while I feel this internal pressure building.
Pretty soon, I'm stomping from room to room, talking to myself louder and louder, wringing my hands up and down, wanting anyone in the room to stop what they are doing and help me look, but not asking. At this point, Heaven help anyone who tries to be helpful and ask me where it could be....they are now going to get yelled at, because either I've already looked their several times, and I can't believe they would not KNOW that I would be smart enough to look there; or I'm angry with them for suggesting some place I did NOT look, because now I feel like a stupid fool for not thinking of that.
Either way, this loss of control that I suddenly feel is constrewed as someone else's fault. Now I'm slamming doors and rushing from room to room proclaiming in some irritating whine that things do not just DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR!! (Now where the hell did it go??). I never actually believe that someone else has hidden what I can't find...somehow I know better than that...but it's at this point that I expect the God of this universe to just stop running everything, and produce that object...NOW!! I then need to sit down, my eyes tearing up and I feel like a child who needs a nap. This leaves me with profound embarrassment. Why can't I control myself? An adult would not act like this. Why does this feel so overwhelming? This is coupled with worries about what will take place if I do not find what I'm looking for...if I've misplaced my ATM card, for example. This is actually one of the worst scenarios because then I start imagining everything that might happen if I can't access my money. (Oh man...just calm down, deep breath, deep breath!
Somewhere underneath all that, there is a little pat of me that knows that it probably will be fine...it's not as bad as I'm making it. I just dearly wish that this part of me were as big as the panic and the bad temper. Part of me truly does not want to go through these irrational reactions. I try to keep them at bay as much as possible, change my thinking, change my reaction, or not react at all. This is an area where I seem to screw up first, then realize what I should have done or said, but the problem is that the damage has usually been done already. I used the example of being unable to find something because that's one of the more tame examples I can think of.
I mean, I try to empathize with people as much as possible, but this is usually a lot easier to do with those I'm not related to. Is there something about being close enough to someone that now they HAVE to put up all my crap? Unfortunately, yes. I've done this too many times to count. Is it unfair? Absolutely! What's harder is explaining to someone the autistic temperament, while correctly owning up to all my crap. Translation: I know I can't blame Autism every time I have a knee jerk reaction, or I completely unload on someone in frustration...but Autism does play a part in this...
I've always been described as sweet. The good girl. That was, and still is me. In school, I was the one who always got tons of certificates for citizenship. Translation: I knew how to behave myself. But often, with those closest to me, I will have a short fuse; start to yell, say things that are stinging and totally irrational, have a sharp, biting tone, stomp off and slam the door...literally like a child testing limits. All the time, I am painfully aware that I am no longer a child, and should be able to "handle" not getting my own way better than this. So, am I just being a spoiled brat? Sometimes, absolutely yes! But what happens when I am literally "pressing" too hard because my inability to cope has swallowed me up? What happens when I need more mercy than I can give back, because my mental capacity will not stretch that far? This is one of the things Autism causes; an acute sort of mental "fatigue" that stems from an inability to predict what will happen, or control a situation. This means something has happened that makes me feel unsafe...and now I'm acting out.
It's sort of like screaming "Help!"...but the scream never makes it out. The logical question at this point would be "Why don't you just ask?". Maybe because it seems too late at this point because I've already over reacted. So the million dollar question then becomes; "Why don't you ask before you react?". That's the problem...I don't know. Seems easy enough, right? Just ask. I'm talking about times when all the logic seems drained out of a situation because I have asked, and I feel I've looked everywhere...and nothing. At this point, I may as well have a sign on the front of me that says: "DON't YOU THINK I KNOW THAT??". If you're thinking; "Ouch!". That's just it...that's the way it feels inside me too. (ouch).
So, having a bad temper is tough because of both the reality and the stigma attached. It is true, a temper can be "used" to create a sort of "partition" between us (me) and the intimacy of another person...but what about the person who is truly wanting to master theirs, and they are not sure how? This is where I wish I had more answers...but at the same time, I'm confident they are out there somewhere. All I can say is, if we scare you, it's probably because we're that scared ourselves. Truly, we are like lions who need to remind ourselves that we can still roar. ...No, I didn't know this applied to GIRLS either! But it does. Gee, how to girls couple this with being...you know...a GIRL?
How do I explain that I'd rather die than make anybody think they can't trust me?
Monday, May 11, 2015
Baby Steps: Keep Your Head Up
Duh?? But I thought...
Earlier today, I saw on Facebook that a well known Christian woman, probably best known for being content in her singleness...is now engaged. Immediately, I internalized it...felt the burn of jealousy, and then wondered whether God was punishing me (Is this about the friend's I rejected back in high school?). Just another example of a random event which has NOTHING to do with ME, that I felt an extreme need to be connected with, or attached to. It was almost as if I was angry with this woman for reminding me that I'm still a miserable failure when it comes to marriage, but now SHE is not! She has succeeded at it somehow, while I still cannot. Is this thought process ridiculous? You bet. Ridiculous, unnecessary, untrue, and harmful to my own character. (Never mind OTHER people assassinating my character...I can do it to myself).
This is just one example of how the Aspie mind can torture the person.
Another persons success at something does NOT equal my failure...but most often, this is the first place my mind goes. Here's the thing: People with AS, analyze everything to death, and then work too hard at trouble-shooting and finding every blind spot so they will KNOW how to do something just right. Then, in our minds, we expect a reward. We do. We expect people to pat us on the back, praise us, stroke our egos...we expect the GOOD to WIN. We expect to obtain that thing we've been pining for. Why not?... We've waited long enough. We've studied every nook and cranny till we're left on the floor with no energy, right? So, when we see OTHER's obtaining that same reward when it APPEARS that they have not waited as long, or tried as hard, or cried as much, or suffered as much isolation...we tend to take it VERY personally. We measure our own suffering against another's...and often become convinced that we have somehow been "snubbed," because WE would have been much more worthy of some blessing it seems has been awarded to another.
As someone with self diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome who is also a follower of Yeshua (Jesus), regrettably, I spend a lot of time becoming angry with God for this very thing...not just other people. I feel much closer to God than I do to other people in general because I know that Yeshua understands these ongoing, internal struggles...whereas other people do not. And why should they? Oftentimes, a person whom I "project" this sort of anger towards...has no clue that I even feel that way. This is because I've not actually spoken to them about anything...the conflict is completely internal...and also completely my own problem. I've now put myself in a position where I'm needing empathy I cannot get, because the "others" involved...have no clue that they're even involved. In other words they don't know I'm feeling the way I do. Oftentimes I fear that my issues are so trivial and "out there" that anyone I tried to tell them to would never see the preverbal "knives" stabbing me from the inside. Either that, or they would just think they were totally ridiculous. (I mean, look at me...I'm wasting energy being angry at a woman I've never actually met before, because she's engaged...and I'm not. I literally think this makes me a terrible failure somehow. It does not. This is not true in the least. (Goodness sakes)!!
Being too embarrassed or afraid to talk about these irrational thought processes, leaves me to try and "hold it all in" somewhere. The inadequacy of something I can't control, continues to "stab" me from the inside and sometimes, something seems to "break." Suddenly, something that has nothing to do with what's going on inside, will "trigger" feelings of anger or depression. I often feel "two foot small" like John Lennon says in "Hide your love Away.". Speaking of marriage in general, the preverbal "ball of yarn" inside continues to unravel when I wonder why anyone would want to marry me...because I drive myself crazy and would probably drive him nuts as well. I am constantly mumbling under my breath because all these struggles somehow need to make their way out verbally...it's like releasing pressure so that the "volcano" on the inside does not erupt. But this is another behavior that has cost me dearly. I mean, who wants to be around someone who (might be) mumbling about them or putting them down?
Okay, so, now my "child of God," nip it in the bud mentallity is taking over, so here we go... As it says in the 12 steps of recovery, "our thinking becomes distorted, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.". Is that what has happened here? Absolutely! I may become unreasonable inside, but I do not need to STAY that way. The Enemy's head is "crushed" when we praise God and we speak God's truth...so, guess what?...The TRUTH is, I'm an amazing woman who can attract people like a magnate. The TRUTH is, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me...and I've got that in writing (Philippians 4:13). This includes marriage! God is not going to "call" me to such a thing and then not equip me to take it on. The problem comes when I decide that I have waited too long for something that I should've already obtained, and I expect the world at large out there to stop learning so that NO ONE learns any lessons, or gets any rewards that I did not get. Again, ridiculous, right? You bet! But when you're actually going through it and feeling crushed yourself under the weight, it's quite profound. Stop. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.". Waiting is not easy, and sometimes, it's the only way we can grow. If I choose to "sabotage" this process by holding grudges against people, my God that I serve will be patient enough to take me through the test again...but I can't get the time back.
I've learned personally that I need to choose to be happy for those that I would rather hold grudges against. The more I do not want to do this...the more I need to. This is the only thing that punches my pride in the stomach, and sets me free. The truth is, that many many times, I have allowed the pride to win. But the bigger truth is that the God I serve is bigger than any feelings of isolation I seem to be drowning in. To my future husband, wherever you are, I love you...and can't wait to meet you. My mind is crazy, and sometimes the things I say are too. But through it all, there is wisdom gained. God is... And there is hope.
Earlier today, I saw on Facebook that a well known Christian woman, probably best known for being content in her singleness...is now engaged. Immediately, I internalized it...felt the burn of jealousy, and then wondered whether God was punishing me (Is this about the friend's I rejected back in high school?). Just another example of a random event which has NOTHING to do with ME, that I felt an extreme need to be connected with, or attached to. It was almost as if I was angry with this woman for reminding me that I'm still a miserable failure when it comes to marriage, but now SHE is not! She has succeeded at it somehow, while I still cannot. Is this thought process ridiculous? You bet. Ridiculous, unnecessary, untrue, and harmful to my own character. (Never mind OTHER people assassinating my character...I can do it to myself).
This is just one example of how the Aspie mind can torture the person.
Another persons success at something does NOT equal my failure...but most often, this is the first place my mind goes. Here's the thing: People with AS, analyze everything to death, and then work too hard at trouble-shooting and finding every blind spot so they will KNOW how to do something just right. Then, in our minds, we expect a reward. We do. We expect people to pat us on the back, praise us, stroke our egos...we expect the GOOD to WIN. We expect to obtain that thing we've been pining for. Why not?... We've waited long enough. We've studied every nook and cranny till we're left on the floor with no energy, right? So, when we see OTHER's obtaining that same reward when it APPEARS that they have not waited as long, or tried as hard, or cried as much, or suffered as much isolation...we tend to take it VERY personally. We measure our own suffering against another's...and often become convinced that we have somehow been "snubbed," because WE would have been much more worthy of some blessing it seems has been awarded to another.
As someone with self diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome who is also a follower of Yeshua (Jesus), regrettably, I spend a lot of time becoming angry with God for this very thing...not just other people. I feel much closer to God than I do to other people in general because I know that Yeshua understands these ongoing, internal struggles...whereas other people do not. And why should they? Oftentimes, a person whom I "project" this sort of anger towards...has no clue that I even feel that way. This is because I've not actually spoken to them about anything...the conflict is completely internal...and also completely my own problem. I've now put myself in a position where I'm needing empathy I cannot get, because the "others" involved...have no clue that they're even involved. In other words they don't know I'm feeling the way I do. Oftentimes I fear that my issues are so trivial and "out there" that anyone I tried to tell them to would never see the preverbal "knives" stabbing me from the inside. Either that, or they would just think they were totally ridiculous. (I mean, look at me...I'm wasting energy being angry at a woman I've never actually met before, because she's engaged...and I'm not. I literally think this makes me a terrible failure somehow. It does not. This is not true in the least. (Goodness sakes)!!
Being too embarrassed or afraid to talk about these irrational thought processes, leaves me to try and "hold it all in" somewhere. The inadequacy of something I can't control, continues to "stab" me from the inside and sometimes, something seems to "break." Suddenly, something that has nothing to do with what's going on inside, will "trigger" feelings of anger or depression. I often feel "two foot small" like John Lennon says in "Hide your love Away.". Speaking of marriage in general, the preverbal "ball of yarn" inside continues to unravel when I wonder why anyone would want to marry me...because I drive myself crazy and would probably drive him nuts as well. I am constantly mumbling under my breath because all these struggles somehow need to make their way out verbally...it's like releasing pressure so that the "volcano" on the inside does not erupt. But this is another behavior that has cost me dearly. I mean, who wants to be around someone who (might be) mumbling about them or putting them down?
Okay, so, now my "child of God," nip it in the bud mentallity is taking over, so here we go... As it says in the 12 steps of recovery, "our thinking becomes distorted, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.". Is that what has happened here? Absolutely! I may become unreasonable inside, but I do not need to STAY that way. The Enemy's head is "crushed" when we praise God and we speak God's truth...so, guess what?...The TRUTH is, I'm an amazing woman who can attract people like a magnate. The TRUTH is, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me...and I've got that in writing (Philippians 4:13). This includes marriage! God is not going to "call" me to such a thing and then not equip me to take it on. The problem comes when I decide that I have waited too long for something that I should've already obtained, and I expect the world at large out there to stop learning so that NO ONE learns any lessons, or gets any rewards that I did not get. Again, ridiculous, right? You bet! But when you're actually going through it and feeling crushed yourself under the weight, it's quite profound. Stop. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.". Waiting is not easy, and sometimes, it's the only way we can grow. If I choose to "sabotage" this process by holding grudges against people, my God that I serve will be patient enough to take me through the test again...but I can't get the time back.
I've learned personally that I need to choose to be happy for those that I would rather hold grudges against. The more I do not want to do this...the more I need to. This is the only thing that punches my pride in the stomach, and sets me free. The truth is, that many many times, I have allowed the pride to win. But the bigger truth is that the God I serve is bigger than any feelings of isolation I seem to be drowning in. To my future husband, wherever you are, I love you...and can't wait to meet you. My mind is crazy, and sometimes the things I say are too. But through it all, there is wisdom gained. God is... And there is hope.
Monday, February 2, 2015
I've Had It...
Duh?? But I thought...
OKAY, THIS is a rant, so just be warned, I need to vent. I really think I have COMPLETELY had it with people...I really do. Dating sites? No thank you. Facebook? Stupid because who's life is REALLY like that? My phone? I was about to smash it with a hammer because all it does is rattle and vibrate, and make this God awful noise like an angry buzzard flying overhead every time I get a message. Driving? In my case, it's safer not to, and I will always be sorry for that. Work? I don't have a job, and I have no way to get there anyway, so I guess, that's GOOD...right? Church? The church that I loved I now hate because I'm tired of people talking behind my back about things that profoundly affect me when they think I can't hear what they are saying. I cannot guarantee that I would want these things said to my face either, but where I come from, if you must talk about something that hurts someone, go ahead and be hypocritical: do it when that person is NOT around, because the pain is not worth it.
The expression "...say it to my face" can sometimes be a bunch a bullshit, because the truth is, I can't handle "the truth.". Fine. I get this...I accept it. So, if you got something to say that involves hurting me, do me a favor: GET COMPLETELY away from me first, and then say it behind my back. I don't care. This way I don't need to carry the burden of knowing what was said, or that it even went on...period. I can experience the "bliss" of ignorance, and just live my life. Don't bother "taking it outside"... because when I come walking outside and see you guys "shushing" each other and then huddling closer, whispering more softly... (Gee THAT doesn't look suspicious or anything!). Do not pray for me that I would receive clarity about a situation, and then sit there and whisper amongst each other about the very thing that's tearing me up inside while I'm still in the room. Does it dawn on you at all, that maybe this really isn't very NICE? I guess not.
Singles groups suck, and so do dating sites because all they do is give people false hope. In the end, you're left on your own with a bunch of hurt feelings and completely trampled vulnerability, because someone has given you every reason to believe that they were into you, and then they say. : "Oh, no, I'm sorry.". Or, they believe that your profound faith that makes you WHO YOU ARE, is nothing but a "buzz killer," and you're left feeling like World's biggest FOOL for your honesty. (I'm sorry...would you RATHER, I lied to you??). Asshole. All I wanna do is exactly, what I'm not supposed to do: just hide under a blanket, eating Oreos and milk, reading books, writing poetry and watching "Faerrie Tale Theatre.". But all these things, make me a pathetic little child who just won't grow up, and this is just, absolutely unconscionable...is that correct?
Who will want me? How could I ever be in a relationship? How will I ever hold down a job? HOW can I be an adult?? Ahhh, I see, so I guess I should work my ass off at a job I hate and then have no time or energy for myself, and I should watch all my money go down the tubes while I'm paying off a car, and bitching and moaning because gas is so expensive. I guess I should be up to my EYEBALLS in student debt, and not be able to sleep at night, all for the tremendous honor of an education that does nothing but dumb me down and KEEP me in school, so I can keep PAYING for school! I suppose I should keep going to a church where I feel sick to my stomach because people can't think to just get the hell outta there BEFORE they start talking behind my back. (Doesn't doing it right in FRONT of me completely defeat the purpose?).
Personally, I think cats have the right idea, they sleep all day, they rub your legs when they want food and they meow, so that everything else is at their command...rubbing, petting, scratching the ears...ahhh, yes indeed, they have it made! This sounds like a much better life than the one I've been kicking myself for not being ABLE to get so that other people would be interested in me!!! You know what, FUCK THAT!!!
I have HAD IT with wasting my energy trying to PROOVE myself to people who are never satisfied anyway. I have HAD IT with thinking that anyone else is ever gonna make me happy. It's. WAY easier just to make myself happy!! I have HAD IT with wishing I had a damn car. I'd much rather buy a bike, which I can pay for in one shot, get my butt out there and breathe some fresh air. Exhaust fumes aren't my thing, but feeling the sun on my shoulders is. :). I have HAD IT with thinking that NOT continuing my education was a terrible mistake. I have a COMPLETED Associate's degree...and I've completely paid off ALL my student debt. I sleep peacefully at night, I WIN!! I have HAD IT with feeling guilty for not going back to church (at least, the one I've been going to). The fact that I realize that I need to get away from the drama, the hurt that I have swallowed again and again so that no one ELSE is bothered by it. The fact that I realize that this needs to STOP, just proves that the GOD I serve has granted me perception and helped me make a choice to help myself. This is a GOOD thing!! On that same note, I will NOT HIDE my Christian faith because other people can't handle it. This is who I AM. Maybe you know that as long as you're around me, you can't accept YOU as YOU are! This is not my fault. I do apologize for any discomfort, but I have HAD IT, with taking guilt upon myself, and thinking I should "water down" my conscience so that others will accept me. NO! I'd hate myself in the end...and so would you. FUCK THAT!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a HUGE bowl of pasta, loaded with cheese and all my favorite things...and then I'm going to crawl under my blankets and savor it... feeling the sheets on my skin...and not giving a rat's ass HOW MANY calories are in it!! It's called: Truly ENJOYING myself.
OKAY, THIS is a rant, so just be warned, I need to vent. I really think I have COMPLETELY had it with people...I really do. Dating sites? No thank you. Facebook? Stupid because who's life is REALLY like that? My phone? I was about to smash it with a hammer because all it does is rattle and vibrate, and make this God awful noise like an angry buzzard flying overhead every time I get a message. Driving? In my case, it's safer not to, and I will always be sorry for that. Work? I don't have a job, and I have no way to get there anyway, so I guess, that's GOOD...right? Church? The church that I loved I now hate because I'm tired of people talking behind my back about things that profoundly affect me when they think I can't hear what they are saying. I cannot guarantee that I would want these things said to my face either, but where I come from, if you must talk about something that hurts someone, go ahead and be hypocritical: do it when that person is NOT around, because the pain is not worth it.
The expression "...say it to my face" can sometimes be a bunch a bullshit, because the truth is, I can't handle "the truth.". Fine. I get this...I accept it. So, if you got something to say that involves hurting me, do me a favor: GET COMPLETELY away from me first, and then say it behind my back. I don't care. This way I don't need to carry the burden of knowing what was said, or that it even went on...period. I can experience the "bliss" of ignorance, and just live my life. Don't bother "taking it outside"... because when I come walking outside and see you guys "shushing" each other and then huddling closer, whispering more softly... (Gee THAT doesn't look suspicious or anything!). Do not pray for me that I would receive clarity about a situation, and then sit there and whisper amongst each other about the very thing that's tearing me up inside while I'm still in the room. Does it dawn on you at all, that maybe this really isn't very NICE? I guess not.
Singles groups suck, and so do dating sites because all they do is give people false hope. In the end, you're left on your own with a bunch of hurt feelings and completely trampled vulnerability, because someone has given you every reason to believe that they were into you, and then they say. : "Oh, no, I'm sorry.". Or, they believe that your profound faith that makes you WHO YOU ARE, is nothing but a "buzz killer," and you're left feeling like World's biggest FOOL for your honesty. (I'm sorry...would you RATHER, I lied to you??). Asshole. All I wanna do is exactly, what I'm not supposed to do: just hide under a blanket, eating Oreos and milk, reading books, writing poetry and watching "Faerrie Tale Theatre.". But all these things, make me a pathetic little child who just won't grow up, and this is just, absolutely unconscionable...is that correct?
Who will want me? How could I ever be in a relationship? How will I ever hold down a job? HOW can I be an adult?? Ahhh, I see, so I guess I should work my ass off at a job I hate and then have no time or energy for myself, and I should watch all my money go down the tubes while I'm paying off a car, and bitching and moaning because gas is so expensive. I guess I should be up to my EYEBALLS in student debt, and not be able to sleep at night, all for the tremendous honor of an education that does nothing but dumb me down and KEEP me in school, so I can keep PAYING for school! I suppose I should keep going to a church where I feel sick to my stomach because people can't think to just get the hell outta there BEFORE they start talking behind my back. (Doesn't doing it right in FRONT of me completely defeat the purpose?).
Personally, I think cats have the right idea, they sleep all day, they rub your legs when they want food and they meow, so that everything else is at their command...rubbing, petting, scratching the ears...ahhh, yes indeed, they have it made! This sounds like a much better life than the one I've been kicking myself for not being ABLE to get so that other people would be interested in me!!! You know what, FUCK THAT!!!
I have HAD IT with wasting my energy trying to PROOVE myself to people who are never satisfied anyway. I have HAD IT with thinking that anyone else is ever gonna make me happy. It's. WAY easier just to make myself happy!! I have HAD IT with wishing I had a damn car. I'd much rather buy a bike, which I can pay for in one shot, get my butt out there and breathe some fresh air. Exhaust fumes aren't my thing, but feeling the sun on my shoulders is. :). I have HAD IT with thinking that NOT continuing my education was a terrible mistake. I have a COMPLETED Associate's degree...and I've completely paid off ALL my student debt. I sleep peacefully at night, I WIN!! I have HAD IT with feeling guilty for not going back to church (at least, the one I've been going to). The fact that I realize that I need to get away from the drama, the hurt that I have swallowed again and again so that no one ELSE is bothered by it. The fact that I realize that this needs to STOP, just proves that the GOD I serve has granted me perception and helped me make a choice to help myself. This is a GOOD thing!! On that same note, I will NOT HIDE my Christian faith because other people can't handle it. This is who I AM. Maybe you know that as long as you're around me, you can't accept YOU as YOU are! This is not my fault. I do apologize for any discomfort, but I have HAD IT, with taking guilt upon myself, and thinking I should "water down" my conscience so that others will accept me. NO! I'd hate myself in the end...and so would you. FUCK THAT!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a HUGE bowl of pasta, loaded with cheese and all my favorite things...and then I'm going to crawl under my blankets and savor it... feeling the sheets on my skin...and not giving a rat's ass HOW MANY calories are in it!! It's called: Truly ENJOYING myself.
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