Duh?? But I thought...
So here I am once again saying that I am no doctor first. I have no medical expertise to back up what I'll say here. This is just my opinion based on everyday things I go through myself.
So, what does Autism feel like?
Autistics love to take a long time doing things that others think is nothing but a waste of time. So we might, for example, find a piece of red lint stuck to a white comforter. We might find joy in watching it roll through our fingers for an hour. At that point, we might be pulled out of our bliss by some concerned relative: "You need help?!" This is
a completely rational question. But who could ever understand why we are so happy staring at lint, or that we are even DOING that?? These kinds of thought processes are normal to us, but certainly not rational. That's right, I said they are not rational. This is not a bad thing in and of itself; but the thing is that most of the functions that must be carried out in order to get through any day are rational and necessary...AND we must do them because someone else requires it, at the pace at which they require it. How does this work when we are fascinated by staring at lint for an hour, or more?
An autistic persons thoughts need to "build" first. Think of dominoes or a kids blocks. Our thought process about mundane, everyday things such as washing dishes has to build up, peace by piece in our heads. I personally have found that with repetition, this DOES come quicker and more automatically; we don't think so much about it. But unfortunately, this isn't always the case. The strangeness comes when we become frustrated to the core, insisting that we don't need your help.
The typical world out there just does not leave room for our kind of processing when it comes to things that need to be done instinctively and quickly. Our brains often work in reverse to the way a typical mind would process mundane actions. To most of us, these are the time-wasters we want to hurry and get out of the way. So, for an autistic, we can end up in tears because the "typical" often has to be taken over and done for us; we appear clumsy and as though we are in serious need of instructions. This is because we were given four or five instructions, but we are still trying to process the second thing you said. Many times, we've understood it all, but these things ate processed much more slowly. This includes getting around to TELLING you that we might need you to repeat some things. That thought is in the cue, if you will, but we haven't gotten that far down the line yet. As a result, we have a keen awareness of what we are struggling to get done, but an apparent inability to finish it. Sometimes we can't even start it.
Autistic women in particular have a hard time with executive function. In other words, we can have brilliant ideas that are very detailed but no idea how to carry them out. To the autistic who doesn't drive, this can be VERY difficult to endure. Example: We can be over the moon about baking a wedding cake. We can see what it looks like in our minds, the piping, the color frosting, the filling inside...everything. But then there's the reality that we are unable to drive to the store, to physically pick up all the groceries. We can make the list, we know what we want, but we are dependent on someone else to go get it. How could something so simple be so damn HARD?? This is maddening to us. So we spend a lot of time being so close, yet so far away from actually finishing things. This frustration can absolutely cripple us. However, it's harder still when we explain what is distressing us out loud and it is usually a mundane, normal, everyday thing. Why would we get so upset over THAT?? (People around us wonder).
Sadly, autistic often are tempted to cut corners or make something "finish" quicker, when a task typically needs to take a lot of time and be done peice by piece...slowly. This is because we have to "burn" so much energy just doing the smaller things that lead to bigger things. We LOVE the anticipation of completing something we a enjoy. This makes us feel "high"-- it's like a drug! But at the same time, we live in dread of being unable to actually complete it, because of the gaps and holes in our ability to execute and carry out what we want to do. We often need help with what are considered to be typical tasks, and on the surface it might seem like no big deal...but OH, how this can hang us up! Energy that COULD be used creatively is sacrificed to the mundane things that we can't complete because other adults in our lives don't have the time to stop what they are doing and come running. Makes us sound like conceited jerks, doesn't it?
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Self Defense (Let's flip the coin).
Duh?? But I thought...
I see many many writings\posts\blogs that have to do with teaching those who do not have autism how to treat those who do have it. While I think this is a great idea, sometimes I'm troubled because rarely do I see anything that deals with teaching those with autism how to treat those who do not have it. I understand this is a very broad subject, because the spectrum varies so greatly. But I believe it can be done. Of course, a persons age and their cognitive ability must be considered, but I would like to change the mindset of Autism if I could.
When we learn to drive, for example, we are taught to drive defensively...try to look out for the other guy and anticipate what he will do. Now I realize that not everyone drives, but many people with autism do. Some people look at the road as a grid, divided into sections. Some people see it like a chess game: Develop a strategy and know when to make your move. So how can we teach those with autism the same principles when it comes to emotions and sensitivities? I think it's like negatives and positives in algebra. When someone solves an equation in Algebra, they apply the opposite to what's already there. Positives are made negatives while negatives are made positives.
Since those with Autism often deal in terms of logic, might it be useful to try and see emotion as logical? For example, questions that often seem unnecessary to someone with autism, are just normal and even comforting maybe to those without autism. And this principle works the same way when it's flipped, like flipping a coin. Questions from someone with autism that may seem redundant and unnecessary are just normal and par for the course. As people with autism, we simply cannot expect everyone to explain things in the terms that we like or that are comfortable to us. We have to choose what we will hold onto and let go of. Those who do not have autism often have a limited understanding of what it actually is. We therefore have a special responsibility to help them understand...gently. It's actually very simple: If we do not allow someone else to be themselves, how can we logically expect that they will do this for us? This is not balanced or fair (the irony being that those with autism are usually so consumed, by everything on the inside, that fairness and balance often goes out the window.)
However, this is my whole point. How can we teach those with autism that it is not a good thing to make others responsible for our emotions? It is not a good thing, nor is it acceptable to expect others to bear the weight of empathy that we are unwilling to give. It is plain and simple: We need to learn somehow to see situations from another's perspective. I think a good start is knowing that people with autism CAN do this. We must never believe that just because we have autism, we have a free pass and do not need to worry about it.
I see so many people with autism expecting people without autism to understand what we go through, and to realize that we are different. I get this...completely!! But what if we flipped the coin? (Like I said). It's ok to need more patience and understanding, but...not if it destroys your backbone and your strength. I realize that some people have autism so severely, that they need other adults to look after them their whole lives. But, for many of us with autism, this is not necessary because we have our own opinions and our own interests...and we are VERY vocal about them. So, could it be that we can apply logical thinking to feeling empathy for somebody else? Because a major stereo type of autism is that, we have great trouble seeing anyone else's point of view or caring how they think or feel. Autism (as I've said before), simply means ONE. We are within ourselves. We gravitate within ourselves. We prefer our own company to the company of others. Our brains are always overloaded with many many things because we focus on one thing at a time, and everything else in life has to stand in line behind that one thing. (So, it could be months before we pick up a pile of stuff in a room in our home... because we simply haven't gotten to that part of the cue yet).
The problem is, there are 3 streams of information going on all the time:. Past, present and future, right? People without autism are simply much more able to "juggle" or go back and forth between the three and make transitions. We (autistics) can usually only focus on one thing at a time. We string it together, piece by piece, and if the pattern is broken, or the pieces come apart, we go back, pick them up, and start over. The thing is...this is how we get stuck. Three hours later (for example) after we've had several interruptions, we are in a different PRESENT, and now have three more hours of PAST to tack on to it, where in the world are we? The present we WERE focused in (3 hours ago) is gone, and we can't remember where we started because we now have to make room in our heads for the interruptions we've had. And, our future could be forever changed depending on what we missed in the three hours now past...did we have deadline or an interview? Were we supposed to to pick up a kid or something? Oh dear. So often, it isn't that we can't stay on task. We are so GOOD at being on task that we will devote 3 hrs to something that someone else will only give 20 minutes to. We look at this as loyalty, devotion, committment and extreme perserverence because look how much energy we put into just doing that ONE thing?? To someone without autism, this might sound completely naive or ridiculous. But to many individuals who are (we might say) higher functioning, this reasoning is just normal. The trouble is, this often seems like just an excuse to be lazy.
Suffice it to say, our lives can become like a never-ending chain of explanations and apologies for our social awkwardness, our self-focused attitude, our weird eye- movements, our inappropriately placed phrases (What???) and the like.
So, since those with Autism seem to struggle with being very defensive anyway, can that energy be redirected in order to give the autistic that sense of empowerment they need...like (we) need air to breathe. I think so. As a result, even my own blog is going to change. We need to help those with Autism navigate through the world at large with a sense that they can DO it...rather than an endless stream of worry about every possible thing that can go wrong.
The person growing up with Autism usually feels very accutely that they are different or backwards from everyone else. Usually, we can't explain what this is, or why...we just know it's there. We often feel "blank" inside...empty...like some sort of instinct that is present in everyone else just doesn't exist in us. As a result, we put a lot of effort into "filling this "void" or space. This process is a lot of work. Period. This process wears us out. This process makes us moody, irritable, angry...sometimes we cry for what might seem like no reason. We have trouble making decisions about (what might be considered) little things. Often, before we even begin a "task" we are mentally and physically worn out. We long to be "normal" and then when normalcy is attempted, we realize exactly why we don't want it. We feel like this is a betrayal of who we are...like we are not being ourselves. So, what to do?
For some reason, opposites seem to communicate things pretty well. So maybe I should explain what I don't want to do. I don't want just another list, or formula or explanation. Admittedly, this is odd because, I talked earlier about being logical and applying logic. But there is such a thing as too much information, right? We all know what that is. Knowledge is power...but not if someone is overburdened with it. Being overburdened with what we KNOW can have the exact opposite affect of what we want. This leaves us emotions. Stop. This is not about telling anyone HOW to do anything. The high functioning autistic is most like VERY familiar with "How to" or "How not to" formulas for everything. We explore things endlessly as as a way to try and learn to control things around us. We have that damn space inside us that never seems filled...no matter what we do.
Now I'm not saying that those who are not autistic always know what to do and they always have the answers they look for. Obviously, this is not true. Everyone has insecurities, everyone is unsure of themselves, everyone has fears, everyone needs help. But to put it simply, Neuro-typicals (or folks whose brains are wired in the typical way)seem to have abilities to cope and handle situations or encounters with the unknown that those with Autism simply don't have. To explain it another way...something "kicks in" on the inside that helps them know what to do.
Autistic individuals who would most likely be considered high functioning know that this exists...and we long to experience it ourselves...we want to find it too!! (What is that?). But how do you find something if you can't even describe what you're looking for? How do you do something about a given issue, when the only thing to (do) is leave it alone? How do fill a void with something when all other attempts to fill it have left you empty? The answer won't come in another explanation as to why an autistic brain is wired differently. While any explanation might be very helpful...we all know how it feels when a given explanation logically leads to more questions...which then require more explanations.
If you see the pattern there, good for you. Patterns are wonderful. Explanations are wonderful. Data that offers proof is wonderful. The ability to be objective is amazing. There are places for all these things. They all fit in somewhere. These are all needed in our lives. But how do we soothe that seemingly "empty" part of us that always seems to require another explanation? How do we as autistics discover this "instinct" that others seem to have that we don't? How can we accept what is unknown without being constantly petrified by it? How do we handle putting so much effort into being effortless? How do we handle putting so much effort into taking it easy? Guess what guys, I don't know. But I do know this: The last thing the world needs is one more explanation into what it's "LIKE" to be autistic. Please forgive any hurt feelings I've just caused; but explanations usually cause arguments, right? Then the arguments usually scream for validation or proof, right? So therein is the never ending cycle. Explanation. Arguments. Explanation. Arguments. I would like to get off the damn merry-go-round. If you're comfortable there and you want to stay on, be my guest. But I say, there's got to be something else.
Now, this cycle certainly is NOT limited to those with Autism. Not at all. Everybody wonders about these things...the difference is that people who do not have autism seem to have an instinct that helps them cope with the unknown that those with Autism don't seem to have. I'm not saying this is truth. I'm saying, in my opinion, this is the uncertainty we struggle with while others around us seem to accept the unknown and know it will be okay and then move on. How do we soothe that of ourselves that we constantly seem to explaining to others because of an awkwardness we don't fully understand ourselves? In the meantime, I need to stop here because my brain is tired. But no more long, drawn out explanations. Let's flip the coin...
I see many many writings\posts\blogs that have to do with teaching those who do not have autism how to treat those who do have it. While I think this is a great idea, sometimes I'm troubled because rarely do I see anything that deals with teaching those with autism how to treat those who do not have it. I understand this is a very broad subject, because the spectrum varies so greatly. But I believe it can be done. Of course, a persons age and their cognitive ability must be considered, but I would like to change the mindset of Autism if I could.
When we learn to drive, for example, we are taught to drive defensively...try to look out for the other guy and anticipate what he will do. Now I realize that not everyone drives, but many people with autism do. Some people look at the road as a grid, divided into sections. Some people see it like a chess game: Develop a strategy and know when to make your move. So how can we teach those with autism the same principles when it comes to emotions and sensitivities? I think it's like negatives and positives in algebra. When someone solves an equation in Algebra, they apply the opposite to what's already there. Positives are made negatives while negatives are made positives.
Since those with Autism often deal in terms of logic, might it be useful to try and see emotion as logical? For example, questions that often seem unnecessary to someone with autism, are just normal and even comforting maybe to those without autism. And this principle works the same way when it's flipped, like flipping a coin. Questions from someone with autism that may seem redundant and unnecessary are just normal and par for the course. As people with autism, we simply cannot expect everyone to explain things in the terms that we like or that are comfortable to us. We have to choose what we will hold onto and let go of. Those who do not have autism often have a limited understanding of what it actually is. We therefore have a special responsibility to help them understand...gently. It's actually very simple: If we do not allow someone else to be themselves, how can we logically expect that they will do this for us? This is not balanced or fair (the irony being that those with autism are usually so consumed, by everything on the inside, that fairness and balance often goes out the window.)
However, this is my whole point. How can we teach those with autism that it is not a good thing to make others responsible for our emotions? It is not a good thing, nor is it acceptable to expect others to bear the weight of empathy that we are unwilling to give. It is plain and simple: We need to learn somehow to see situations from another's perspective. I think a good start is knowing that people with autism CAN do this. We must never believe that just because we have autism, we have a free pass and do not need to worry about it.
I see so many people with autism expecting people without autism to understand what we go through, and to realize that we are different. I get this...completely!! But what if we flipped the coin? (Like I said). It's ok to need more patience and understanding, but...not if it destroys your backbone and your strength. I realize that some people have autism so severely, that they need other adults to look after them their whole lives. But, for many of us with autism, this is not necessary because we have our own opinions and our own interests...and we are VERY vocal about them. So, could it be that we can apply logical thinking to feeling empathy for somebody else? Because a major stereo type of autism is that, we have great trouble seeing anyone else's point of view or caring how they think or feel. Autism (as I've said before), simply means ONE. We are within ourselves. We gravitate within ourselves. We prefer our own company to the company of others. Our brains are always overloaded with many many things because we focus on one thing at a time, and everything else in life has to stand in line behind that one thing. (So, it could be months before we pick up a pile of stuff in a room in our home... because we simply haven't gotten to that part of the cue yet).
The problem is, there are 3 streams of information going on all the time:. Past, present and future, right? People without autism are simply much more able to "juggle" or go back and forth between the three and make transitions. We (autistics) can usually only focus on one thing at a time. We string it together, piece by piece, and if the pattern is broken, or the pieces come apart, we go back, pick them up, and start over. The thing is...this is how we get stuck. Three hours later (for example) after we've had several interruptions, we are in a different PRESENT, and now have three more hours of PAST to tack on to it, where in the world are we? The present we WERE focused in (3 hours ago) is gone, and we can't remember where we started because we now have to make room in our heads for the interruptions we've had. And, our future could be forever changed depending on what we missed in the three hours now past...did we have deadline or an interview? Were we supposed to to pick up a kid or something? Oh dear. So often, it isn't that we can't stay on task. We are so GOOD at being on task that we will devote 3 hrs to something that someone else will only give 20 minutes to. We look at this as loyalty, devotion, committment and extreme perserverence because look how much energy we put into just doing that ONE thing?? To someone without autism, this might sound completely naive or ridiculous. But to many individuals who are (we might say) higher functioning, this reasoning is just normal. The trouble is, this often seems like just an excuse to be lazy.
Suffice it to say, our lives can become like a never-ending chain of explanations and apologies for our social awkwardness, our self-focused attitude, our weird eye- movements, our inappropriately placed phrases (What???) and the like.
So, since those with Autism seem to struggle with being very defensive anyway, can that energy be redirected in order to give the autistic that sense of empowerment they need...like (we) need air to breathe. I think so. As a result, even my own blog is going to change. We need to help those with Autism navigate through the world at large with a sense that they can DO it...rather than an endless stream of worry about every possible thing that can go wrong.
The person growing up with Autism usually feels very accutely that they are different or backwards from everyone else. Usually, we can't explain what this is, or why...we just know it's there. We often feel "blank" inside...empty...like some sort of instinct that is present in everyone else just doesn't exist in us. As a result, we put a lot of effort into "filling this "void" or space. This process is a lot of work. Period. This process wears us out. This process makes us moody, irritable, angry...sometimes we cry for what might seem like no reason. We have trouble making decisions about (what might be considered) little things. Often, before we even begin a "task" we are mentally and physically worn out. We long to be "normal" and then when normalcy is attempted, we realize exactly why we don't want it. We feel like this is a betrayal of who we are...like we are not being ourselves. So, what to do?
For some reason, opposites seem to communicate things pretty well. So maybe I should explain what I don't want to do. I don't want just another list, or formula or explanation. Admittedly, this is odd because, I talked earlier about being logical and applying logic. But there is such a thing as too much information, right? We all know what that is. Knowledge is power...but not if someone is overburdened with it. Being overburdened with what we KNOW can have the exact opposite affect of what we want. This leaves us emotions. Stop. This is not about telling anyone HOW to do anything. The high functioning autistic is most like VERY familiar with "How to" or "How not to" formulas for everything. We explore things endlessly as as a way to try and learn to control things around us. We have that damn space inside us that never seems filled...no matter what we do.
Now I'm not saying that those who are not autistic always know what to do and they always have the answers they look for. Obviously, this is not true. Everyone has insecurities, everyone is unsure of themselves, everyone has fears, everyone needs help. But to put it simply, Neuro-typicals (or folks whose brains are wired in the typical way)seem to have abilities to cope and handle situations or encounters with the unknown that those with Autism simply don't have. To explain it another way...something "kicks in" on the inside that helps them know what to do.
Autistic individuals who would most likely be considered high functioning know that this exists...and we long to experience it ourselves...we want to find it too!! (What is that?). But how do you find something if you can't even describe what you're looking for? How do you do something about a given issue, when the only thing to (do) is leave it alone? How do fill a void with something when all other attempts to fill it have left you empty? The answer won't come in another explanation as to why an autistic brain is wired differently. While any explanation might be very helpful...we all know how it feels when a given explanation logically leads to more questions...which then require more explanations.
If you see the pattern there, good for you. Patterns are wonderful. Explanations are wonderful. Data that offers proof is wonderful. The ability to be objective is amazing. There are places for all these things. They all fit in somewhere. These are all needed in our lives. But how do we soothe that seemingly "empty" part of us that always seems to require another explanation? How do we as autistics discover this "instinct" that others seem to have that we don't? How can we accept what is unknown without being constantly petrified by it? How do we handle putting so much effort into being effortless? How do we handle putting so much effort into taking it easy? Guess what guys, I don't know. But I do know this: The last thing the world needs is one more explanation into what it's "LIKE" to be autistic. Please forgive any hurt feelings I've just caused; but explanations usually cause arguments, right? Then the arguments usually scream for validation or proof, right? So therein is the never ending cycle. Explanation. Arguments. Explanation. Arguments. I would like to get off the damn merry-go-round. If you're comfortable there and you want to stay on, be my guest. But I say, there's got to be something else.
Now, this cycle certainly is NOT limited to those with Autism. Not at all. Everybody wonders about these things...the difference is that people who do not have autism seem to have an instinct that helps them cope with the unknown that those with Autism don't seem to have. I'm not saying this is truth. I'm saying, in my opinion, this is the uncertainty we struggle with while others around us seem to accept the unknown and know it will be okay and then move on. How do we soothe that of ourselves that we constantly seem to explaining to others because of an awkwardness we don't fully understand ourselves? In the meantime, I need to stop here because my brain is tired. But no more long, drawn out explanations. Let's flip the coin...
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Disability, Divorce Singleness and Marriage... Why I Think no one is Bridging the Gap
Duh?? But I thought...
In the film "This is where I Leave You," A family comes back together to sit shiva, having just lost their father. In doing so, each person must face their demons...they must confront their skeletons in the closet, you might say. On the same block, lives a gentle, sweet guy named Horry. The story is that years back, Horry, and one of the sisters of this family, Wendy, were in a car accident. Both survived: Wendy, remained her usual self...while Horry suffered brain damage. So, Horry...lived at home, from that time on. He never married, had any children, or learned to drive (that I know of). I believe we are also supposed to get the impresson that Horry remains devoted to Wendy all of his life...but he stays alone.
Wendy, on the other hand, moves away from home, gets married, has two kids, a very busy job, and shows up at her mother's house in...is that a Suburban? Anyway, she is the perfect picture of the busy mom who keeps everything together. She's been...perfectly "calloused" by a contemporary life...while Horry, stayed in one place and always had to contend with the "ache" of wondering what it's REALLY like out there. Horry also has some impulse control issues as a way of "showing" his disability on camera...and we see his internal struggles at not being quite like the rest of us. But, at the same time, thank God he is NOT like the others...who have all become disconnected and insensitive...unemotional and unattached, to things that are naturally supposed to move a person and fill them with wonderment. Everyone else in the movie seems to be drowning in the complications of life, while behaving as though they are not gasping for air.
Wow. Why is it that life experience makes us have to lie to "experience" it...while a lack of (being able) to experience things...make us WISH we could? The stereo-type for Horry, as a disabled character, is that "if he were not the way he is" he could've made Wendy very happy. Wendy herself, even tells her brother Judd that she will never love her own husband the way that she loved Horry...
Time out. Now, for anybody, whether they are married or unmarried...we each have the privilege of learning to love ourselves and handle conflicts (ouch). We are single individuals. Some of us stay single...and some of us find someone to marry. Then there are those of us who go through the brokenness of divorce. Wow. seems that more and more pastors are wanting to avoid seeing that last one. Can anyone blame them? The odd thing is, that most of the time, when I've heard the singleness sermon or singleness talk, it is pointed out early that most of the world automatically caters to married couples and singles are overlooked or left out in the cold. Interesting because this has not been my experience AT ALL. Never once, in any of my young life, have I actually been ENCOURAGED to get married (by the church, or otherwise). And...I am not happy about this. So what is my story? I am a single woman with a disability, who's from a home where there was divorce. Have I had a little taste of everything? Yes...well, everything except my own marriage...which continues to elude me... while it keeps sliding down this black hole of "singleness is just easier"...
This is a hard one. In the church, when ministers teach on the subject, they quote the apostle Paul, saying "Would that everyone could be like me.". In Paul's story, his zealousness for singularly serving the Lord is central...while the issue of marriage is pretty much an afterthought...a postscript. So for the sake of teaching the scripture authentically, it is quoted that here is what Paul thinks about the situation. Amen to our pastors...they are wonderful individuals. But might I humbly suggest something?
We are not the Apostle Paul. None of us are. Were you thrown off a horse on the road to Damascus? Okay, so I think it's quite safe to say that no one else is the Apostle Paul. He had a very particular calling on his life...more difficult and rigorous and "out there" then most other people on earth. Yet folks who secretly ache inside to fulfill their Creator's oldest covenant are made to swallow their tears and wonder why they are not as strong as Paul, as joyful as Paul, as faithful as Paul...as caviler as Paul. Does this make us lousy believers in Christ?
It's always been interesting to me that the church as a whole, seems to "teach" so much about strength being in weakness. This is true. So I have one question: Why don't we encourage more people to be married? Is it because we're afraid of the "D" word? I think so. Is singleness better? In fairness, it depends on the person...but this means that marriage needs to be presented in a positive light at least part of the time. In my personal experience, I just don't see this happening. Again, interesting...because G-d said: "I will design (make) for him a helpmate.". Anyway, I watch "This is Where I Leave You," and I always wonder why Horry and Wendy COULDN'T have gotten married. Wendy could help Horry where he was exhausted, or his memory failed him...she was very good with details. Horry could help Wendy lighten up and feel better when the pressures of being an "adult" got to be too much. He could call her "Sunflower," and make her day! Where is the terrible "ill" in this?
If you listen to a pastor named Paul Washer, he will tell you that we live in a world that hates marriage, it hates women, it hates men and it hates children. I can't say I disagree...I think that pretty much sums it up. Yet the irony of many single's lives, is that most people around them are rapidly becoming...not single...all the time. To top it off, they seem to do this pretty effortlessly. That someone they wanted seems to just float into their life. Okay, so Paul Washer is right about the state of the world, meaning that marriage is probably the hardest thing on the planet...people seem to be "qualifying" for this "hardest thing on the planet" left and right...but I...don't qualify for it.
In church we talk a lot about being broken to be made better. Very purifying process. So what about children who are put through divorce? Ouch. Sorry...this is not an easy question. To the parents out there who are broken hearted because this is the situation you've been in: I am so sorry. To any adults out there who are now afraid to get married, or pessimistic about it...remember, you are making your own history now... Divorce leaves both children & adults broken and insecure...but of course children do not have any previous life experience, or the intellect in order to process what is happening to them. Children with disabilities often have different reasoning processes and level's of cognitive ability. These differences can also allow them to create different coping strategies that can be very strange to those around them...or they can cause those around them to possibly believe that they probably will not be able to "do" certain things when they reach certain ages...
Again, this is a hard thing to talk about, because emotions can run high. When a child is differently abled, and then becomes an adult who is differently abled...it often forces their parents to "become" differently abled as well in order to connect and relate. This requires a lot of time, energy and patience...more so than with a child who is simply higher functioning...and of course the amount of care, time & attention also depends severity of the disability. However the trauma of divorce often does not allow for this...to put it simply. Parents are often brokenhearted, angry, frustrated and depleted of energy, and now faced with doing a job by themselves, not only daunting for two parents, but requiring additional help & support because disability is involved. In this case, sometimes a parent's need for normalcy simply does not allow their "differently abled" child to be strange, unusual or unorthodox. The child, is often then pushed into finding their own coping strategies, and trying to appear as normal as possible to try and make it easier for mom and dad.
By the way, isn't this the exact model for marriage?? Isn't that what we do?...we commit ourselves for life to a person who is differently abled (then us), and requires much care and attention, and then we work hard to protect them...to help them...to make things as normal as possible for them, even when we need to deny our own needs, feelings and comforts?
I'm sure you've heard people say that, it always happens when you're not looking for it.". The thing is, to the literal mind, who constantly struggles with "grasping" concepts in the first place...this is almost impossible. A person with a disability knows what struggle is...when we want something, we have to struggle, often work much harder than those around us to do even little things, from learning to tie our shoes, to following a recipe, to to hooking up a DVD player...Yet, when it comes to the most important, pivotal decision ANYONE can make (next to knowing Yeshua)...it always happens when you're NOT looking for it. Okay...a couple things you need to know about folks with disabilities (maybe 3): 1. Surprises are often very difficult for us to handle. 2. We feel most things very deeply, and it's difficult for us to recover. 3. We need independence like we need air to breathe, because it can be so difficult to come by...but we also need a lot more help then we like to admit.
"Hey, doesn't everybody?" right? Of course. But here's the thing: People with disabilities cope differently. I know, I'm a broken record...but this world does not like raw emotion. It does not like sweetness, it does not like gentleness, it does not like temper tantrums because they suggest a lack of control...(unless it is for the purpose of someone's entertainment...then we encourage it), it does not like ANYTHING innocent or childlike. These things must be avoided at all costs. Anyone with these issues must "grow up"... something folks with specific disabling conditions want desperately to prove that they can do everyday anyway. Adults are just children in older bodies. We get scared, we make mistakes; we don't know what we are doing and we need wisdom. But many folks with disabilities often struggle with feeling that they must compensate for a child-like dependency that we just can't seem to overcome, mo matter what we do. Oftentimes our gentler, more childlike spirits can make it hard for us to really feel that those around us are able to take us seriously. I even mentioned to a friend recently that when I get angry, I tend to become like caricature of myself.
A youthful sounding voice and a bubbly sort of disposition sometimes makes me seem like a kid who's just making too big a deal out of little things. And speaking of little things... these are hard to keep at bay sometimes. They say it's not good to bottle things up, but, sometimes, if we don't...our level of emotion can keep us from just getting through a day normally. I call it an undercurrent. There are things that will happen to us throughout the day that can feel like little "pin pricks" inside. These are things that bother us, but we might not even be aware of it because we have to compartmentalize it somewhere else...because it simply cannot be dealt with right now. The trouble is, these things can "build up" inside...it's sort of like a hose that has kink in it. There's a little trickle of water, but when the kink is...UN-twisted...the water comes, full-force. Now you have what the world of psychology calls "impulse control.". It looks like an adult having a temper tantrum, or acting like a kid. Hory has this issue too in the movie, because he needs someone to drive him home and he's more forgetful than he'd like to be.
In my opinion, we live in a society where people are so concerned about people getting married for the wrong reasons that we have no idea what the RIGHT ones are. When a person wants to marry someone, it's because that person makes them feel good about themselves. That's it. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but it's true. Marriage is really hard...there's no question about it...this is why we better find someone who makes us feel better about ourselves! Alright, so there's my simple, to the point logic. But what happens to someone who says this in the church? They are bombarded faster than they can blink an eye. We are bombarded with reminders that G-d is our everything, and no human can fulfill us. We are bombarded with talk about sacrifice and serving the Lord. We are bombarded with thinking about what G-d's calling on our life. And (Sorry to say it) we become confused and think that maybe someday when we can just learn to get all this together and get it right...then we can finally "qualify" to be married. Thus, an awful lot of planing goes into this most important of decisions that... always happens when you're not looking for it.
So what do we do? All we are trying to do is be poised and ready for something we need to "let go of" because it always happens when we are not looking for it. Disability will often give a person a dependence on other adults that is more profound. Oftentimes, we HATE this, because we want to be "grown up" like those around us. But do we really? Getting back to the movie: All of the able-bodied characters are miserable, discontented, spoiled, never-know-when-to-shut-their-mouth brats who, always have something mean to say. These are the people who did something with their lives, while Horry never left home because he...doesn't even drive. But Horry is loyal to his core for Wendy, and though she married someone else...she is still his Sunflower. He's happy for her, never having expected her to stay with him. His tender-hearted spirit unchanged from the last time she saw him. Okay, I would MUCH rather be Horry! (Even if someone has to drive me around for the rest of my days!). This is the impresson we are SUPPOSED to get in the film. But why is it that (after all that) Horry is portrayed as the poor soul who never did anything with his life?
Why couldn't he have gotten married...had children even? I would venture to say that it's because the World's version of "normal" is the angry, discontented, argumentative, always-have-something-mean-to-say personality, that is all the other characters in the movie. My point is...it's a lie. But as long as we look at disability and impulse control (which can be managed, by the way)and extra dependence on other adults as things to always be feared and avoided...then people like Horry will always be stereo-typed as having nowhere to go and not much to do with their lives. Not true at all...at least not for many disabled folks out there. So what do we do to fill the gap? Do we just tell people in Horry's position how "wonderful" they are and how much easier it is to just stay single? What does someone do when they are over sensitive and socially akward...and they don't drive, so getting around requires extra help? What does someone do when their undying sense of loyalty to one person won't allow them to date, because nothing can disrupt the love they hold for that life-partner they want? The world says: "How will you find them if you DON'T date?"
And I'm sorry to say it, but usually the mainstream church is not much help at all...usually encouraging people to date pretty much the way the world does, while simply putting a Christian spin on it. It's either this...or we use the Apostle Paul (Rabbi Sha'ul) or Yeshua himself as examples. There is NOTHING at all wrong with this...except for one thing: Yeshua was never MARRIED! Nothing wrong with that either...but now we're back to "singleness is just easier, " and that line of reasoning.
All of this to say that we have to meet someone on their level and we have to have patience. Some sweet, sweet things can come from truly getting to know a person. Be prepared to expect the unexpected. A person might be loyal to a fault and unable to "try" different relationships because of their strong desire to be faithful to a spouse they are still waiting to meet. Someone might love you so intensely that they can't look at you. Your eyes might shoot right through them and make the earth move...but at present it seems like they hate you. Ask...seek...investigate. You never know. That stand-offish person keeping to themselves? Offer to take them for a drive; they might really need to get out. That adult on disability? If you can...give them a job. Let them work based on their willingness to try rather than a "cookie cutter" set of qualifications. They might be the hardest worker you've ever had! "For whatever you did for the least of these...you've done for me." God bless our pastors and clergyman, who do their best to walk us through the deepest waters of life...while making sure no one drowns. Their help is invaluable! Keep an open mind and a tender heart.
In the film "This is where I Leave You," A family comes back together to sit shiva, having just lost their father. In doing so, each person must face their demons...they must confront their skeletons in the closet, you might say. On the same block, lives a gentle, sweet guy named Horry. The story is that years back, Horry, and one of the sisters of this family, Wendy, were in a car accident. Both survived: Wendy, remained her usual self...while Horry suffered brain damage. So, Horry...lived at home, from that time on. He never married, had any children, or learned to drive (that I know of). I believe we are also supposed to get the impresson that Horry remains devoted to Wendy all of his life...but he stays alone.
Wendy, on the other hand, moves away from home, gets married, has two kids, a very busy job, and shows up at her mother's house in...is that a Suburban? Anyway, she is the perfect picture of the busy mom who keeps everything together. She's been...perfectly "calloused" by a contemporary life...while Horry, stayed in one place and always had to contend with the "ache" of wondering what it's REALLY like out there. Horry also has some impulse control issues as a way of "showing" his disability on camera...and we see his internal struggles at not being quite like the rest of us. But, at the same time, thank God he is NOT like the others...who have all become disconnected and insensitive...unemotional and unattached, to things that are naturally supposed to move a person and fill them with wonderment. Everyone else in the movie seems to be drowning in the complications of life, while behaving as though they are not gasping for air.
Wow. Why is it that life experience makes us have to lie to "experience" it...while a lack of (being able) to experience things...make us WISH we could? The stereo-type for Horry, as a disabled character, is that "if he were not the way he is" he could've made Wendy very happy. Wendy herself, even tells her brother Judd that she will never love her own husband the way that she loved Horry...
Time out. Now, for anybody, whether they are married or unmarried...we each have the privilege of learning to love ourselves and handle conflicts (ouch). We are single individuals. Some of us stay single...and some of us find someone to marry. Then there are those of us who go through the brokenness of divorce. Wow. seems that more and more pastors are wanting to avoid seeing that last one. Can anyone blame them? The odd thing is, that most of the time, when I've heard the singleness sermon or singleness talk, it is pointed out early that most of the world automatically caters to married couples and singles are overlooked or left out in the cold. Interesting because this has not been my experience AT ALL. Never once, in any of my young life, have I actually been ENCOURAGED to get married (by the church, or otherwise). And...I am not happy about this. So what is my story? I am a single woman with a disability, who's from a home where there was divorce. Have I had a little taste of everything? Yes...well, everything except my own marriage...which continues to elude me... while it keeps sliding down this black hole of "singleness is just easier"...
This is a hard one. In the church, when ministers teach on the subject, they quote the apostle Paul, saying "Would that everyone could be like me.". In Paul's story, his zealousness for singularly serving the Lord is central...while the issue of marriage is pretty much an afterthought...a postscript. So for the sake of teaching the scripture authentically, it is quoted that here is what Paul thinks about the situation. Amen to our pastors...they are wonderful individuals. But might I humbly suggest something?
We are not the Apostle Paul. None of us are. Were you thrown off a horse on the road to Damascus? Okay, so I think it's quite safe to say that no one else is the Apostle Paul. He had a very particular calling on his life...more difficult and rigorous and "out there" then most other people on earth. Yet folks who secretly ache inside to fulfill their Creator's oldest covenant are made to swallow their tears and wonder why they are not as strong as Paul, as joyful as Paul, as faithful as Paul...as caviler as Paul. Does this make us lousy believers in Christ?
It's always been interesting to me that the church as a whole, seems to "teach" so much about strength being in weakness. This is true. So I have one question: Why don't we encourage more people to be married? Is it because we're afraid of the "D" word? I think so. Is singleness better? In fairness, it depends on the person...but this means that marriage needs to be presented in a positive light at least part of the time. In my personal experience, I just don't see this happening. Again, interesting...because G-d said: "I will design (make) for him a helpmate.". Anyway, I watch "This is Where I Leave You," and I always wonder why Horry and Wendy COULDN'T have gotten married. Wendy could help Horry where he was exhausted, or his memory failed him...she was very good with details. Horry could help Wendy lighten up and feel better when the pressures of being an "adult" got to be too much. He could call her "Sunflower," and make her day! Where is the terrible "ill" in this?
If you listen to a pastor named Paul Washer, he will tell you that we live in a world that hates marriage, it hates women, it hates men and it hates children. I can't say I disagree...I think that pretty much sums it up. Yet the irony of many single's lives, is that most people around them are rapidly becoming...not single...all the time. To top it off, they seem to do this pretty effortlessly. That someone they wanted seems to just float into their life. Okay, so Paul Washer is right about the state of the world, meaning that marriage is probably the hardest thing on the planet...people seem to be "qualifying" for this "hardest thing on the planet" left and right...but I...don't qualify for it.
In church we talk a lot about being broken to be made better. Very purifying process. So what about children who are put through divorce? Ouch. Sorry...this is not an easy question. To the parents out there who are broken hearted because this is the situation you've been in: I am so sorry. To any adults out there who are now afraid to get married, or pessimistic about it...remember, you are making your own history now... Divorce leaves both children & adults broken and insecure...but of course children do not have any previous life experience, or the intellect in order to process what is happening to them. Children with disabilities often have different reasoning processes and level's of cognitive ability. These differences can also allow them to create different coping strategies that can be very strange to those around them...or they can cause those around them to possibly believe that they probably will not be able to "do" certain things when they reach certain ages...
Again, this is a hard thing to talk about, because emotions can run high. When a child is differently abled, and then becomes an adult who is differently abled...it often forces their parents to "become" differently abled as well in order to connect and relate. This requires a lot of time, energy and patience...more so than with a child who is simply higher functioning...and of course the amount of care, time & attention also depends severity of the disability. However the trauma of divorce often does not allow for this...to put it simply. Parents are often brokenhearted, angry, frustrated and depleted of energy, and now faced with doing a job by themselves, not only daunting for two parents, but requiring additional help & support because disability is involved. In this case, sometimes a parent's need for normalcy simply does not allow their "differently abled" child to be strange, unusual or unorthodox. The child, is often then pushed into finding their own coping strategies, and trying to appear as normal as possible to try and make it easier for mom and dad.
By the way, isn't this the exact model for marriage?? Isn't that what we do?...we commit ourselves for life to a person who is differently abled (then us), and requires much care and attention, and then we work hard to protect them...to help them...to make things as normal as possible for them, even when we need to deny our own needs, feelings and comforts?
I'm sure you've heard people say that, it always happens when you're not looking for it.". The thing is, to the literal mind, who constantly struggles with "grasping" concepts in the first place...this is almost impossible. A person with a disability knows what struggle is...when we want something, we have to struggle, often work much harder than those around us to do even little things, from learning to tie our shoes, to following a recipe, to to hooking up a DVD player...Yet, when it comes to the most important, pivotal decision ANYONE can make (next to knowing Yeshua)...it always happens when you're NOT looking for it. Okay...a couple things you need to know about folks with disabilities (maybe 3): 1. Surprises are often very difficult for us to handle. 2. We feel most things very deeply, and it's difficult for us to recover. 3. We need independence like we need air to breathe, because it can be so difficult to come by...but we also need a lot more help then we like to admit.
"Hey, doesn't everybody?" right? Of course. But here's the thing: People with disabilities cope differently. I know, I'm a broken record...but this world does not like raw emotion. It does not like sweetness, it does not like gentleness, it does not like temper tantrums because they suggest a lack of control...(unless it is for the purpose of someone's entertainment...then we encourage it), it does not like ANYTHING innocent or childlike. These things must be avoided at all costs. Anyone with these issues must "grow up"... something folks with specific disabling conditions want desperately to prove that they can do everyday anyway. Adults are just children in older bodies. We get scared, we make mistakes; we don't know what we are doing and we need wisdom. But many folks with disabilities often struggle with feeling that they must compensate for a child-like dependency that we just can't seem to overcome, mo matter what we do. Oftentimes our gentler, more childlike spirits can make it hard for us to really feel that those around us are able to take us seriously. I even mentioned to a friend recently that when I get angry, I tend to become like caricature of myself.
A youthful sounding voice and a bubbly sort of disposition sometimes makes me seem like a kid who's just making too big a deal out of little things. And speaking of little things... these are hard to keep at bay sometimes. They say it's not good to bottle things up, but, sometimes, if we don't...our level of emotion can keep us from just getting through a day normally. I call it an undercurrent. There are things that will happen to us throughout the day that can feel like little "pin pricks" inside. These are things that bother us, but we might not even be aware of it because we have to compartmentalize it somewhere else...because it simply cannot be dealt with right now. The trouble is, these things can "build up" inside...it's sort of like a hose that has kink in it. There's a little trickle of water, but when the kink is...UN-twisted...the water comes, full-force. Now you have what the world of psychology calls "impulse control.". It looks like an adult having a temper tantrum, or acting like a kid. Hory has this issue too in the movie, because he needs someone to drive him home and he's more forgetful than he'd like to be.
In my opinion, we live in a society where people are so concerned about people getting married for the wrong reasons that we have no idea what the RIGHT ones are. When a person wants to marry someone, it's because that person makes them feel good about themselves. That's it. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but it's true. Marriage is really hard...there's no question about it...this is why we better find someone who makes us feel better about ourselves! Alright, so there's my simple, to the point logic. But what happens to someone who says this in the church? They are bombarded faster than they can blink an eye. We are bombarded with reminders that G-d is our everything, and no human can fulfill us. We are bombarded with talk about sacrifice and serving the Lord. We are bombarded with thinking about what G-d's calling on our life. And (Sorry to say it) we become confused and think that maybe someday when we can just learn to get all this together and get it right...then we can finally "qualify" to be married. Thus, an awful lot of planing goes into this most important of decisions that... always happens when you're not looking for it.
So what do we do? All we are trying to do is be poised and ready for something we need to "let go of" because it always happens when we are not looking for it. Disability will often give a person a dependence on other adults that is more profound. Oftentimes, we HATE this, because we want to be "grown up" like those around us. But do we really? Getting back to the movie: All of the able-bodied characters are miserable, discontented, spoiled, never-know-when-to-shut-their-mouth brats who, always have something mean to say. These are the people who did something with their lives, while Horry never left home because he...doesn't even drive. But Horry is loyal to his core for Wendy, and though she married someone else...she is still his Sunflower. He's happy for her, never having expected her to stay with him. His tender-hearted spirit unchanged from the last time she saw him. Okay, I would MUCH rather be Horry! (Even if someone has to drive me around for the rest of my days!). This is the impresson we are SUPPOSED to get in the film. But why is it that (after all that) Horry is portrayed as the poor soul who never did anything with his life?
Why couldn't he have gotten married...had children even? I would venture to say that it's because the World's version of "normal" is the angry, discontented, argumentative, always-have-something-mean-to-say personality, that is all the other characters in the movie. My point is...it's a lie. But as long as we look at disability and impulse control (which can be managed, by the way)and extra dependence on other adults as things to always be feared and avoided...then people like Horry will always be stereo-typed as having nowhere to go and not much to do with their lives. Not true at all...at least not for many disabled folks out there. So what do we do to fill the gap? Do we just tell people in Horry's position how "wonderful" they are and how much easier it is to just stay single? What does someone do when they are over sensitive and socially akward...and they don't drive, so getting around requires extra help? What does someone do when their undying sense of loyalty to one person won't allow them to date, because nothing can disrupt the love they hold for that life-partner they want? The world says: "How will you find them if you DON'T date?"
And I'm sorry to say it, but usually the mainstream church is not much help at all...usually encouraging people to date pretty much the way the world does, while simply putting a Christian spin on it. It's either this...or we use the Apostle Paul (Rabbi Sha'ul) or Yeshua himself as examples. There is NOTHING at all wrong with this...except for one thing: Yeshua was never MARRIED! Nothing wrong with that either...but now we're back to "singleness is just easier, " and that line of reasoning.
All of this to say that we have to meet someone on their level and we have to have patience. Some sweet, sweet things can come from truly getting to know a person. Be prepared to expect the unexpected. A person might be loyal to a fault and unable to "try" different relationships because of their strong desire to be faithful to a spouse they are still waiting to meet. Someone might love you so intensely that they can't look at you. Your eyes might shoot right through them and make the earth move...but at present it seems like they hate you. Ask...seek...investigate. You never know. That stand-offish person keeping to themselves? Offer to take them for a drive; they might really need to get out. That adult on disability? If you can...give them a job. Let them work based on their willingness to try rather than a "cookie cutter" set of qualifications. They might be the hardest worker you've ever had! "For whatever you did for the least of these...you've done for me." God bless our pastors and clergyman, who do their best to walk us through the deepest waters of life...while making sure no one drowns. Their help is invaluable! Keep an open mind and a tender heart.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Reasoning (Not Always Such a Good Idea)
Duh?? But I thought...
I seem to be PLAGUED with thoughts that I have to have it all figured out. I try to tell myself that nobody will ever have it all figured out...and I can let up on myself. But then my thoughts seem to get all jammed in my brain, like a computer that has too much information, and I find myself trying to figure everything all out again. I start out with all the experience I don't seem to have, and think that this MUST be a strike against me. So childlike...so seemingly unprotected. Does everyone go through that? But I have the God of this universe ruling my life...how can I be unprotected?
I don't know, but, it's as if I really want my daddy (little d), to literally hold my hand and walk me through everything in my life, keeping me safe so I don't fall...saying "Come on Sweetie, you can do it!". Does everybody want this? If I have a longing for this...am I less of an adult? Am I saying that God is not enough? I'm not trying to...but I always seem plagued with these thoughts.
To top it off, I've wanted to get married ever since I can remember...which in itself is not a BAD thing...but I constantly need to remember that no man could ever truly fulfill me. I need to let Yeshua do that. I seem plagued with this weird feeling that I'm trying to "put back" some missing piece. I don't know HOW the piece went missing to begin with, or WHY I keep needing to put it back...but so it is! Does everyone go through this? I don't know. I don't want to drive anyone crazy...but how is this possible when I drive myself crazy? They say love always happens when you're not looking for it. Well, okay, but how do I find it if I'm not looking for it? I need to let God find it for me...I've told myself SO many times. Do I not trust Him?...because I am having such a hard time with that!
So let's see, I can't stop looking for something that won't come unless I stop looking for it.
I can't stop longing for something that will never truly fulfill me anyway...so why do I keep going after it?
The longer it takes for this thing (love) to come to me, the more I wonder whether their must be something wrong with me...so I keep trying to figure it all out.
This wears me out, and I believe no one would want me (possibly) because I would drive them crazy. (Why not? I drive myself nuts).
Gee, am I being too negative? Just trying to be honest, but am I being too negative? That's a big no no. What happened to my confidence?...My belief in myself? My belief that God has just the right person for me? You'd think that this last thing...would cancel out everything else I just wrote. But unfortunately, it doesn't. Does everybody go through this? Is this normal?
No wonder I want to stick my head under the covers and not come out! If a guy does want me...how will I know about it? Will he tell me, or will he not say anything because he thinks I should already know? Will he be showing me like crazy and I just won't get it? (this would not surprise me). What happens when he finds out I've never even changed oil in a car? Anyway, if I'm supposed to be his helper, what does that make him to me? Is he my helper too? I don't know. Does everybody go through this? Is this normal?
I seem to be PLAGUED with thoughts that I have to have it all figured out. I try to tell myself that nobody will ever have it all figured out...and I can let up on myself. But then my thoughts seem to get all jammed in my brain, like a computer that has too much information, and I find myself trying to figure everything all out again. I start out with all the experience I don't seem to have, and think that this MUST be a strike against me. So childlike...so seemingly unprotected. Does everyone go through that? But I have the God of this universe ruling my life...how can I be unprotected?
I don't know, but, it's as if I really want my daddy (little d), to literally hold my hand and walk me through everything in my life, keeping me safe so I don't fall...saying "Come on Sweetie, you can do it!". Does everybody want this? If I have a longing for this...am I less of an adult? Am I saying that God is not enough? I'm not trying to...but I always seem plagued with these thoughts.
To top it off, I've wanted to get married ever since I can remember...which in itself is not a BAD thing...but I constantly need to remember that no man could ever truly fulfill me. I need to let Yeshua do that. I seem plagued with this weird feeling that I'm trying to "put back" some missing piece. I don't know HOW the piece went missing to begin with, or WHY I keep needing to put it back...but so it is! Does everyone go through this? I don't know. I don't want to drive anyone crazy...but how is this possible when I drive myself crazy? They say love always happens when you're not looking for it. Well, okay, but how do I find it if I'm not looking for it? I need to let God find it for me...I've told myself SO many times. Do I not trust Him?...because I am having such a hard time with that!
So let's see, I can't stop looking for something that won't come unless I stop looking for it.
I can't stop longing for something that will never truly fulfill me anyway...so why do I keep going after it?
The longer it takes for this thing (love) to come to me, the more I wonder whether their must be something wrong with me...so I keep trying to figure it all out.
This wears me out, and I believe no one would want me (possibly) because I would drive them crazy. (Why not? I drive myself nuts).
Gee, am I being too negative? Just trying to be honest, but am I being too negative? That's a big no no. What happened to my confidence?...My belief in myself? My belief that God has just the right person for me? You'd think that this last thing...would cancel out everything else I just wrote. But unfortunately, it doesn't. Does everybody go through this? Is this normal?
No wonder I want to stick my head under the covers and not come out! If a guy does want me...how will I know about it? Will he tell me, or will he not say anything because he thinks I should already know? Will he be showing me like crazy and I just won't get it? (this would not surprise me). What happens when he finds out I've never even changed oil in a car? Anyway, if I'm supposed to be his helper, what does that make him to me? Is he my helper too? I don't know. Does everybody go through this? Is this normal?
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Over and Under
Duh?? But I thought...
I have never mowed a lawn or changed the oil in a car. I HAVE sung the Mahler (college Choir) and read Shelley's "The Sensitive Plant." Anyway, Autism affects people in varying ways. Obviously, we are not all genius savants who don't speak, and we are NOT all "Rainmain". These are stereotypes we have to deal with because for most people, that's the only image of Autism or AS that they have. No. But, oftentimes, we do struggle with being extreme over achievers and under achievers at the same time. For instance, I can recite every word to "Who's on First?,"(What was I saying about Rain Man?) but sometimes I have to write down directions to my own house. (Not for someone else...for ME). The way I understand humor is always "rooting for the good guy" even if the situation is bad. When I explain things, I often use movies because I can see the "scene" in my mind and that helps me form what I want to say. Sometimes, this is just much easier than trying to "relate my own experiences" as an example. I can do this...but usually it's just easier to let the "characters" go through it while I watch. Sound a bit bizarre? Yeah...to me too... But so it is.
I sometimes wonder if this is why so many people who perform (for a living or not), tend to be autistic...not always, of course...but just look up a list of celebrities with Autism and you'll see what I mean. In my opinion, we have an enternal fear that we can't seem to get rid of. It's rooted deep, and we secretly wonder (a lot) where it actually came from. We learn somewhere along the way that things bother us that don't seem to bother others. We can seem more timid, softer...more sensitive. The flip side of the coin, is that sometimes we are very happy- go-lucky, oblivious of danger, and we are able to "push our pleasure button" and let something make us really brave and confident. (More about pushing buttons later). But let's get back to achieving. Reading lists of symptoms for women who are autistic, I found out three things:
1. Women with autism will often pretend that their life is a movie, and everyone in their life is a character.
2. Women with autism often have imaginary friends growing up. We often pretend that there is an imaginary person always with us who walks with us and helps us through things we don't understand. They often will "translate" things people might tell us that we're unfamiliar with, or don't understand.
3. Women with autism often have difficulties with carrying out everyday tasks that are often thought to be pretty simple by others.
4.
As to the first one. I learned very early that actors show emotion through being someone else, AND they get to rehearse it and play with it and see what works and what does not...Yet in order to act well there has to be a high level of control. (Okay, some of that, I learned when I was older), but the point is...this means that depending on the role, a person can be totally OUT of control...but they can do it intentionally. They can do it...and control it...and well...because it's not even them...they are being someone else! Man! If only REAL LIFE worked like this!!!! So in our minds, we pretend our life is a movie being made and everything that happens to us is for the sake of that movie. So, when we lose it...it can be (we pretend) because our "character" was supposed to do that. (Therefore, didn't we perform well?). Later on, when (I) need to give a heartfelt apology, because (my) behavior was not right, my pretending that I'm acting and controlling my performance will make this more bearable, and I may not be so afraid.
2. Okay, I personally never had IMAGINARY friends growing up. My thought process was, if I'm imagining someone, I KNOW they're not real. Why would I do that? This seemed not logical to me. So, I took this idea a step further...mind you, this whole process just seemed "built in" to me...I just did it naturally because it helped me feel safe. I would pretend that people who had passed away were guiding me through my life, helping me and instructing me where I just had difficulties connecting with people in my life. Their spirits were with me. This, for me, worked, because, these people were real. They had actually lived at one time, and their eternal spirits still existed. They had real lives, real emotions, and also real spirits. There was also a mystical, mysterious element to it all because those spirits had to go somewhere...but they were not in the physical, obviously. So they could...transcend, time, space...whatever. This to me was amazing power! I was so limited, clumsy, scared...check! I was human. But if everyone else around me was just as human and fragile as I was, that meant that they would mess up too...besides no person could be with me every second. BUT...someone who'd gone on to be with G-d? THAT was another story!
3. You know when you hook up a DVD player or a VCR...those cables in the back that need to be twisted and turned? I've often been reduced to tears trying to figure out how to loosen them. When I sew (manually), it's usually crooked, but sewing machines are a difficulty for me because I'm watching this needle go really fast praying it doesn't hit my fingers, while pushing a pedal with my foot. This brings me to driving... My depth perception is terrible. Trying to "scan ahead" and read everything while moving that quickly is really challenging for me because my eyes don't work that quickly. I can see very well...but speed and accuracy together are really difficult for me...I usually have to choose one or the other.
I often have to "re-familiarize" myself with manual things I've done a million times: turning on the washing machine as opposed to the dryer. Putting the clean dishes away (again) and the silverware too, and putting everything in the right place. Can I do this? Of course; it isn't like I've forgotten these are my dishes, or my kitchen...it's not a memory lapse. So, what is it? I'm not sure how to explain it. It's trying to do the same thing, the same way every time, and not understanding why I can't. Why doesn't that pan fit there?: This is where it's supposed to go! What's THAT funny looking thing?...I didn't even know we had that; do we have a special place for that?
I'll do the same thing when I'm taking a bus somewhere or somebody's driving someplace. It might be months before I even realize that a certain business has moved out of a building...and then I can't remember what was in there before! Range of motion is weird thing for me. I was an adult before I mastered medicine bottles(either prescription or OTC): Push down and then twist...push down and then twist...go in the direction the arrows go...well, where are the arrows? I was also an adult before I was brave enough to light matches. I was petrified of them: How could I scrape something that will burn me...with my finger?!! Even today, I won't light those tiny matches in the match books, and I don't like lighters either. A striker is my best friend in this case. When it's lit my hand isn't anywhere near a flame! Yes! This makes sense to me. But I will light kitchen matches. I learned not to be (too) afraid of those. So, I do love candles, I can put a fire in a fire place (I might keep some water close by, just because), and I learned to get comfortable with gas stoves (although, I'veI've I've never actually had to light a burner before...all I had to do was turn them on...but I was afraid to use one, period...so this is a big deal.
When I was kid, the first time I was given sparklers on the 4th of July. I think I let four of them go out before I would even hold one! My dad kept lighting them, and well...I got the hang of it...but, it freaked me out at first. So, needless to say, I've learned to thank G-d for small victories. My major task for a day might be "fitting" my fitted sheet back on the bed...but this is a big deal. So when it comes to things like marriage, or having kids, or driving a car...let's say these are all things I haven't mastered. I'm a big fan of a personal best, and have to think positive, which are both good things. But I struggle all the time with feeling really over developed AND really under developed. I often worry that when I do get married, my husband might feel more like he's raising a child rather than building a life with a wife.
But it just so happens that all the women in my family have done "double duty" as parents. I've watched them handle pretty much everything on their own...with energy that I never thought a person could have. HOW in the world?... I don't know, but when I get married will my husband feel he's just married Loretta Lynn?? OK...I really don't think so... but how do I help him when sometimes I can barely help myself? I suppose one day I 'll find out...
I have never mowed a lawn or changed the oil in a car. I HAVE sung the Mahler (college Choir) and read Shelley's "The Sensitive Plant." Anyway, Autism affects people in varying ways. Obviously, we are not all genius savants who don't speak, and we are NOT all "Rainmain". These are stereotypes we have to deal with because for most people, that's the only image of Autism or AS that they have. No. But, oftentimes, we do struggle with being extreme over achievers and under achievers at the same time. For instance, I can recite every word to "Who's on First?,"(What was I saying about Rain Man?) but sometimes I have to write down directions to my own house. (Not for someone else...for ME). The way I understand humor is always "rooting for the good guy" even if the situation is bad. When I explain things, I often use movies because I can see the "scene" in my mind and that helps me form what I want to say. Sometimes, this is just much easier than trying to "relate my own experiences" as an example. I can do this...but usually it's just easier to let the "characters" go through it while I watch. Sound a bit bizarre? Yeah...to me too... But so it is.
I sometimes wonder if this is why so many people who perform (for a living or not), tend to be autistic...not always, of course...but just look up a list of celebrities with Autism and you'll see what I mean. In my opinion, we have an enternal fear that we can't seem to get rid of. It's rooted deep, and we secretly wonder (a lot) where it actually came from. We learn somewhere along the way that things bother us that don't seem to bother others. We can seem more timid, softer...more sensitive. The flip side of the coin, is that sometimes we are very happy- go-lucky, oblivious of danger, and we are able to "push our pleasure button" and let something make us really brave and confident. (More about pushing buttons later). But let's get back to achieving. Reading lists of symptoms for women who are autistic, I found out three things:
1. Women with autism will often pretend that their life is a movie, and everyone in their life is a character.
2. Women with autism often have imaginary friends growing up. We often pretend that there is an imaginary person always with us who walks with us and helps us through things we don't understand. They often will "translate" things people might tell us that we're unfamiliar with, or don't understand.
3. Women with autism often have difficulties with carrying out everyday tasks that are often thought to be pretty simple by others.
4.
As to the first one. I learned very early that actors show emotion through being someone else, AND they get to rehearse it and play with it and see what works and what does not...Yet in order to act well there has to be a high level of control. (Okay, some of that, I learned when I was older), but the point is...this means that depending on the role, a person can be totally OUT of control...but they can do it intentionally. They can do it...and control it...and well...because it's not even them...they are being someone else! Man! If only REAL LIFE worked like this!!!! So in our minds, we pretend our life is a movie being made and everything that happens to us is for the sake of that movie. So, when we lose it...it can be (we pretend) because our "character" was supposed to do that. (Therefore, didn't we perform well?). Later on, when (I) need to give a heartfelt apology, because (my) behavior was not right, my pretending that I'm acting and controlling my performance will make this more bearable, and I may not be so afraid.
2. Okay, I personally never had IMAGINARY friends growing up. My thought process was, if I'm imagining someone, I KNOW they're not real. Why would I do that? This seemed not logical to me. So, I took this idea a step further...mind you, this whole process just seemed "built in" to me...I just did it naturally because it helped me feel safe. I would pretend that people who had passed away were guiding me through my life, helping me and instructing me where I just had difficulties connecting with people in my life. Their spirits were with me. This, for me, worked, because, these people were real. They had actually lived at one time, and their eternal spirits still existed. They had real lives, real emotions, and also real spirits. There was also a mystical, mysterious element to it all because those spirits had to go somewhere...but they were not in the physical, obviously. So they could...transcend, time, space...whatever. This to me was amazing power! I was so limited, clumsy, scared...check! I was human. But if everyone else around me was just as human and fragile as I was, that meant that they would mess up too...besides no person could be with me every second. BUT...someone who'd gone on to be with G-d? THAT was another story!
3. You know when you hook up a DVD player or a VCR...those cables in the back that need to be twisted and turned? I've often been reduced to tears trying to figure out how to loosen them. When I sew (manually), it's usually crooked, but sewing machines are a difficulty for me because I'm watching this needle go really fast praying it doesn't hit my fingers, while pushing a pedal with my foot. This brings me to driving... My depth perception is terrible. Trying to "scan ahead" and read everything while moving that quickly is really challenging for me because my eyes don't work that quickly. I can see very well...but speed and accuracy together are really difficult for me...I usually have to choose one or the other.
I often have to "re-familiarize" myself with manual things I've done a million times: turning on the washing machine as opposed to the dryer. Putting the clean dishes away (again) and the silverware too, and putting everything in the right place. Can I do this? Of course; it isn't like I've forgotten these are my dishes, or my kitchen...it's not a memory lapse. So, what is it? I'm not sure how to explain it. It's trying to do the same thing, the same way every time, and not understanding why I can't. Why doesn't that pan fit there?: This is where it's supposed to go! What's THAT funny looking thing?...I didn't even know we had that; do we have a special place for that?
I'll do the same thing when I'm taking a bus somewhere or somebody's driving someplace. It might be months before I even realize that a certain business has moved out of a building...and then I can't remember what was in there before! Range of motion is weird thing for me. I was an adult before I mastered medicine bottles(either prescription or OTC): Push down and then twist...push down and then twist...go in the direction the arrows go...well, where are the arrows? I was also an adult before I was brave enough to light matches. I was petrified of them: How could I scrape something that will burn me...with my finger?!! Even today, I won't light those tiny matches in the match books, and I don't like lighters either. A striker is my best friend in this case. When it's lit my hand isn't anywhere near a flame! Yes! This makes sense to me. But I will light kitchen matches. I learned not to be (too) afraid of those. So, I do love candles, I can put a fire in a fire place (I might keep some water close by, just because), and I learned to get comfortable with gas stoves (although, I'veI've I've never actually had to light a burner before...all I had to do was turn them on...but I was afraid to use one, period...so this is a big deal.
When I was kid, the first time I was given sparklers on the 4th of July. I think I let four of them go out before I would even hold one! My dad kept lighting them, and well...I got the hang of it...but, it freaked me out at first. So, needless to say, I've learned to thank G-d for small victories. My major task for a day might be "fitting" my fitted sheet back on the bed...but this is a big deal. So when it comes to things like marriage, or having kids, or driving a car...let's say these are all things I haven't mastered. I'm a big fan of a personal best, and have to think positive, which are both good things. But I struggle all the time with feeling really over developed AND really under developed. I often worry that when I do get married, my husband might feel more like he's raising a child rather than building a life with a wife.
But it just so happens that all the women in my family have done "double duty" as parents. I've watched them handle pretty much everything on their own...with energy that I never thought a person could have. HOW in the world?... I don't know, but when I get married will my husband feel he's just married Loretta Lynn?? OK...I really don't think so... but how do I help him when sometimes I can barely help myself? I suppose one day I 'll find out...
Friday, August 5, 2016
Cured?
Duh?? But I thought...
So apparently Toni Braxton has a son who was diagnosed with Autism, and she is "shouting it from the rooftops" that he is now no longer on the spectrum. So naturally, many people are putting their two cents in about the issue. Well, I'm open minded, and I'm not here to judge; if Toni Braxton says that her child is no longer on the spectrum...how was this accomplished, according to her? If it's true, I'm sure a lot of parents would be interested to know about it.
Whether her son is truly cured or not is certainly none of my business. I'm just glad that she's happy, and hope that her son is too...
I only weigh in on this because many have strong opinions about it. I feel it's important to remember that the idea of "curing" Autism, or wanting to cure it, does not mean that we are wanting to change a person, re-make them, or have them be someone that they are not. In my view, that is not what this is is about. This is about relief. It's about relief from the varying degrees of physical, mental, emotional and neurological symptoms...not to mention secondary conditions that can and often do result from being autistic. Honestly, I love the way my MIND works...this makes me the wonderful lady I am. But I would bet that neurologically, if those who are Autistic could do something about, say, the anxiety, the flat feet, the digestive issues, the weird eye movements, the difficulties with depth perception and fine motor skills, and a whole slough of other problems...some of which we may not even know we have...I don't know that anyone would pass that up. Autism is a challenge, the say the least. It's hard. It's hard for kids, it's hard for adults, it's hard for parents, it's hard for teenagers. It's just hard.
It's hard to explain to others what it really is...a hidden disability that can leave us so "close"... but so far away. Many people just want some relief. Can we really blame Toni Braxton for saying she found some? Is her son cured? I don't know. Maybe, in any case, the important thing is that she believes that he is.
So apparently Toni Braxton has a son who was diagnosed with Autism, and she is "shouting it from the rooftops" that he is now no longer on the spectrum. So naturally, many people are putting their two cents in about the issue. Well, I'm open minded, and I'm not here to judge; if Toni Braxton says that her child is no longer on the spectrum...how was this accomplished, according to her? If it's true, I'm sure a lot of parents would be interested to know about it.
Whether her son is truly cured or not is certainly none of my business. I'm just glad that she's happy, and hope that her son is too...
I only weigh in on this because many have strong opinions about it. I feel it's important to remember that the idea of "curing" Autism, or wanting to cure it, does not mean that we are wanting to change a person, re-make them, or have them be someone that they are not. In my view, that is not what this is is about. This is about relief. It's about relief from the varying degrees of physical, mental, emotional and neurological symptoms...not to mention secondary conditions that can and often do result from being autistic. Honestly, I love the way my MIND works...this makes me the wonderful lady I am. But I would bet that neurologically, if those who are Autistic could do something about, say, the anxiety, the flat feet, the digestive issues, the weird eye movements, the difficulties with depth perception and fine motor skills, and a whole slough of other problems...some of which we may not even know we have...I don't know that anyone would pass that up. Autism is a challenge, the say the least. It's hard. It's hard for kids, it's hard for adults, it's hard for parents, it's hard for teenagers. It's just hard.
It's hard to explain to others what it really is...a hidden disability that can leave us so "close"... but so far away. Many people just want some relief. Can we really blame Toni Braxton for saying she found some? Is her son cured? I don't know. Maybe, in any case, the important thing is that she believes that he is.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Strike That...Reverse it. Thank you.
Duh?? But I thought...
Those with Autism process information more slowly. I should say, those with Autism NEED to process information more slowly. The times that we do not, are when we are upset or stressed...frazzled, maybe. During these times, information can come out of us like torrents of rain!
Anyway, less is not always more for someone with Autism. We enjoy savoring the thought process of mundane things and being pleased with ourselves because we "thought of that". We LOVE the victory of figuring out little things for ourselves...especially after we struggled through something. However, most people around us (bless their hearts) tend to think this "process" is nothing but us wasting time & making things hard on ourselves. (this must be corrected!) So, when we are in the middle of... washing dishes, for example; I generally hate washing dishes like everybody else, however, when I have energy to do it, there are little things I love about it. I love the running water. It's warm. It's soothing (the feel & the sound). It makes little patterns when it flows in the sink. I can stand there mesmerized by it, pretending it's a waterfall. It is contentedness at no charge...it's wonderful. But usually, this is very bothersome to others...
1. I'm wasting water
2. I'm wasting time
3. Someone else has to use the kitchen
4. I'm not paying enough attention to what I'm doing
5. There's a much easier way to do that!
Gee, and a minute ago I was perfectly content AND feeling so good because I thought I was doing something to help. People who have the gift of being very precise and efficient about things often don't mix well with those who are Autistic. This is because much of what the autistic does to help them enjoy a task, or even get through it at all...is seen to be a waste. This waste...must then be prevented, or changed somehow. So sometimes, even as adults, we have a lot of "don't's" in our lives:
1. Don't waste so much water
2. Don't waste the dish soap--it's expensive.
3. Don't fill the sink so full.
4. Don't drip water on the floor
5. Don't forget to wash the pans on the stove too.
These are all good things to remember...but now imagine the anxiety that builds when you're afraid you'll forget any of these? Then, your whole thought process becomes, am I doing this RIGHT? (What did I leave out? What did I forget? I'm gonna screw something up, I know it...and somebody is going to be mad at me). Sounds like a child afraid of a displeased parent, right? YES! Exactly. That's the WHOLE point. This is why we HAVE meltdowns to begin with, in my view. We become worn out...like a dishrag, wrung out till it won't drip anymore (pun intended).
(Ahem)...As I was saying; I ENJOY watching the water run in the sink. That's one sentence. Very simple. HOWEVER... (Okay...now, rinse and repeat.) (Pun intended). As in, repeat everything I explained prior to that one sentence. Now, as I understand it, everything that (I wrote) prior to that sentence must be remembered in order to make my life EASIER, is that right? This is because less is more...and I want to make things as simple as possible, right? Well, my goodness, I guess I'm not understanding. All I wanted was to watch the water running.
So many times we are, in our element...pleased, fascinated, mesmerized even, by the simplest things...and all of that is shattered or ruined...cut short by instructions, advice...or simply TMI. No matter how well intentioned. The dishes are just one example of countless others. Sound ridiculous? We know. That's another reason we have meltdowns. We spend countless hours thinking; "How stupid is that?"
Those with Autism process information more slowly. I should say, those with Autism NEED to process information more slowly. The times that we do not, are when we are upset or stressed...frazzled, maybe. During these times, information can come out of us like torrents of rain!
Anyway, less is not always more for someone with Autism. We enjoy savoring the thought process of mundane things and being pleased with ourselves because we "thought of that". We LOVE the victory of figuring out little things for ourselves...especially after we struggled through something. However, most people around us (bless their hearts) tend to think this "process" is nothing but us wasting time & making things hard on ourselves. (this must be corrected!) So, when we are in the middle of... washing dishes, for example; I generally hate washing dishes like everybody else, however, when I have energy to do it, there are little things I love about it. I love the running water. It's warm. It's soothing (the feel & the sound). It makes little patterns when it flows in the sink. I can stand there mesmerized by it, pretending it's a waterfall. It is contentedness at no charge...it's wonderful. But usually, this is very bothersome to others...
1. I'm wasting water
2. I'm wasting time
3. Someone else has to use the kitchen
4. I'm not paying enough attention to what I'm doing
5. There's a much easier way to do that!
Gee, and a minute ago I was perfectly content AND feeling so good because I thought I was doing something to help. People who have the gift of being very precise and efficient about things often don't mix well with those who are Autistic. This is because much of what the autistic does to help them enjoy a task, or even get through it at all...is seen to be a waste. This waste...must then be prevented, or changed somehow. So sometimes, even as adults, we have a lot of "don't's" in our lives:
1. Don't waste so much water
2. Don't waste the dish soap--it's expensive.
3. Don't fill the sink so full.
4. Don't drip water on the floor
5. Don't forget to wash the pans on the stove too.
These are all good things to remember...but now imagine the anxiety that builds when you're afraid you'll forget any of these? Then, your whole thought process becomes, am I doing this RIGHT? (What did I leave out? What did I forget? I'm gonna screw something up, I know it...and somebody is going to be mad at me). Sounds like a child afraid of a displeased parent, right? YES! Exactly. That's the WHOLE point. This is why we HAVE meltdowns to begin with, in my view. We become worn out...like a dishrag, wrung out till it won't drip anymore (pun intended).
(Ahem)...As I was saying; I ENJOY watching the water run in the sink. That's one sentence. Very simple. HOWEVER... (Okay...now, rinse and repeat.) (Pun intended). As in, repeat everything I explained prior to that one sentence. Now, as I understand it, everything that (I wrote) prior to that sentence must be remembered in order to make my life EASIER, is that right? This is because less is more...and I want to make things as simple as possible, right? Well, my goodness, I guess I'm not understanding. All I wanted was to watch the water running.
So many times we are, in our element...pleased, fascinated, mesmerized even, by the simplest things...and all of that is shattered or ruined...cut short by instructions, advice...or simply TMI. No matter how well intentioned. The dishes are just one example of countless others. Sound ridiculous? We know. That's another reason we have meltdowns. We spend countless hours thinking; "How stupid is that?"
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