Straight From the Heart

Duh?? But I thought...

Here I am in this blog which has an odd name (hey that almost rhymes), wondering how on earth to approach what I'm about to write...

This particular blog, has to do with my experiences dealing with Asperger's Syndrome...which I suspect I have, though I am only self-diagnosed. I do however, have another disability, which I was diagnosed with at birth. I have Cerebral Palsy. It's mild...I've had doctors tell me before that If I had not said anything, than they would've never known. Course... Then they see me walk and test my coordination a little, and they see that, yes...I do in fact have the condition caused by lack of oxygen (usually at birth).

CP can cause a whole mess of symptoms, many of which can be actually similar to Autism. I've looked up MANY lists of symptoms for Autism and AS (for both boys and girls) and with all of them combined, I found that many were similar...even identical to CP. As a result, I've even wondered if I was misdiagnosed because the symptoms for Autism seem to fit me even better than the one's for CP. Each of these conditions varies greatly, person to person, and AS affects girls very differently than boys...because our brains are wired differently to begin with... we're girls, right? Keep in mind, I'm no doctor...these are just observations of my own. Anyway, long story short, I think my CP has "masked" my Autism, and that's why we've never known I have it.

Now, I tell you that story, to tell you this story. (This story is quite different, but my point is the same).

I've always been quite sensitive...too sensitive, in fact. Always had a very childlike quality to me...look younger than my age, tend to love childlike things, and I have a need to know that there are still good intentions in the world. Any of these qualities, were either assumed to be just my natural personality, or attributed to a sensitivity brought on by struggling with CP all my life. Having a disability can bring with it an uncommon sense of tenderness, am I right? But sometimes one condition can either lead to, or "mask" another condition that the person can be puzzled by later on...

I once found a blog online simply called "Astrid's Blog.". If I remember correctly, Astrid is a bisexual female living with AS. She basically writes about what it is like to be bisexual and also have AS. As I looked through the blog, my mind started racing, as it often does, and I began to question many things.

I can say that, one thing I have never been unsure about, is whether I'm attracted to guys or girs. I am a princess, wanting to meet prince Charming...no question about it. To put it bluntly, I'm not attracted to females, I definitely like guys. But the thing is...I tend to like GAY guys...rather than straight guys. Okay...What's up with that? The problem there, obviously, is that gay guys are not attracted to GIRLS...Duh, right? But what the heck is goin' on there? Hmmm...the visions in my mind have always been, one man, one woman...for life. Obviously, this does not always happen, but ideally, that's what I want. I had two boyfriends back in high school, but the true love I've always wanted has elluded me...

Never could I understand why. Why didn't I want to date like a normal person? Why did all guys seem to scare me somehow? Why did the few guys I would become attracted to...usually turn out to be gay? (I would find out later). There would never be an actual relationship, mind you...just the hope for one. I would think that some guy was just the greatest thing since sliced bread, and get all ooey gooey over him...followed by a great big OOPPSS..don't think so. I should point out, that this was, either in reality...or fantasy. I would develop a fantasy around an actor, for example...and then find out he was gay.

Now, many actors ARE gay...duh, right?, there's no question about that. But the actors who actually had wives at home, rarely interested me at all. I thought they were not nearly as cute, and too rough around the edges. This always turned me off somehow. Now actually, I'm sure this is not as uncommon, or even as weird as it seems. I'm attracted to...tenderness, sweetness, sensitivity...and gay men have all of these things in abundance. Simple...and actually pretty smart, I think. (Until you consider that gay guys are not interested in girls) :) OOPPSS.

What I never could understand is how I would be drawn to gay guys...without KNOWING that they were gay. There's a big difference between knowing a man is gay while being attracted to his amazing qualities, and just not knowing...and then finding out the hard way. What I'm saying is, I would innocently believe that they were straight...being drawn to the sweetness in their hearts and countenance. I've never been someone who could "tell"...In retrospect, I can't tell even when the indications are screaming at me. Could this be due to AS? Do we just "not pick up" on those things?

Now, some people who are gay don't want everyone to know, that's true. On the other hand, some who are gay, just assume that everybody knows (I've had a few friends who did, anyway). But I always felt so strange because most people around me could (apparently) "tell". Most of the time, I couldn't. I never assume someone's gay, so until they tell me...or someone else does, I don't know. My attractions, and the fact that I could not pick up on a guy's sexual orientation really would make me wonder whether something was wrong with me. Bisexuality? That one's even harder for me. I mean, I can only relate to the way a guy treats ME. How am I supposed to tell whether he's attracted to guys too? Or do I just suck, because I can't tell? Is it like it was with me in the doctor's office?: I wouldn't know unless the person told me? What a mess! (from my perspective). I HAVE good taste in men...I mean, look at David Bowie! :)

As I said before, I am, at my core, a princess waiting for her prince...but everything about the process of pursuit (guys pursuing girls) was so uncomfortable and weird to me, that I would "run" from it. Wait a minute...he's the pursuer. He's supposed to chase me, and I'm supposed to let him catch me, right? This is the way it's supposed to be, right? All I can say is...I was (and still am) really afraid of letting any guy get too far into my world. I have a constant fear of being belittled and ridiculed...especially by men. The fact is, most qualities present in straight men are one's that I've had to learn to protect myself from, rather than be comfortable with. I prefer not to go into specifics, but like I said, gay men tend to be gentler, softer, and willing to be sure they don't hurt those around them. To a childlike, oversensitive girl like me...this is safety. This means I can breathe. This my "Teddy Bear" I've wanted all my life.

Is it possible for a guy to be straight but think like a gay man? How can it be when gay men are attracted to men? Seriously...I'm not being rhetorical here. How much harder is it when people "wonder" about guys who are even slightly tender or effeminate... as if being gay is the only possible reason a MAN could have for not being an obnoxious pain in the ass. Now I have known some amazing, sweet, considerate, "temperate" gentlemen who know how to treat their wives like Queens. Know where I met them? In church. Oh boy, now I've opened a different can of worms, but what can I say...it's true.

Is it POSSIBLE that some men who are gay or bisexual, are struggling with it because in their heart of hearts they don't think they were meant to be? And if a guy has Autism or AS, can he possibly be more "prone" to being gay or bisexual? (Maybe the autism "masks" it for awhile?). For instance, gay men tend to have many fetiches. (This is according to Dr. Joseph Nicolosi). What is a fetich? It's an unusual fixation with something, right? Don't people with autism develop many "unusual" fixations or obsessions? This is NOT to say that every autistic person is gay, or vice versa. No, not at all.

I then had to go on the personality traits of gay men that I have known. Just the one's I came up with in my mind matched traits found in most autistic (boys...but some of the same characteristics are found in autistic females too.). OCD tendencies, a need for strategic order (meticulous), overly sensitive (perhaps inappropriately sensitive?). As I looked all of this up, I became very sad...

Do you realize that for every AMAZING gay man on the planet, a girl misses out? This is heartbreaking to me because gay men are so wonderful. I mean, how many times have I heard that all the "good ones" are either gay or taken? So, I wanna know...Is there a way to turn it around? For those who might WANT to turn it around...is there a way to turn it around? I know, I know...we're always told that homosexuality needs to be accepted and embraced...and it DOES...for the sake of being honest. But what if a person could honestly turn homosexuality around if they wanted to?

I looked more into Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. His website says in bold letters: "You Don't Have to Be Gay". Wow. What does that mean?? Dr. Nicolosi says that in order for homosexuality to grip a person, they have to be disconnected from their body. Don't most autistic individuals have issues with...being "disconnected"? From their body? From what's going on around them? From other people (especially sexually?). I saw a FB post just today that dealt with asexuality in those with autism. Someone quoted Dr. Tony Atwood, who says that most Autistics tend to either not want sex at all, or they go the other way and become preoccupied with it. Now, asexuality is a different issue, I know, but I'm wondering about confusion. If a person grows up being confused about their body in general...can they not become confused about their sexuality too?

According to Dr. Nicolosi, something called Repairative Therapy can help a person learn to feel again, and discover what he calls their " heterosexual potential". He says that society teaches that shame comes when one finds out that they ARE homosexual. But he says Repairative Therapy teaches that homosexuality develops because people are attempting to repair what they are ashamed of. He says they learn to disconnect because they are trying to repair what's missing-- what has been "broken off" because of shame.

So, just how early does this process begin? Dr. James Dobson (Focus on the Family & Family Talk Radio) says it can begin as early as 18 months of age. He says that for a boy, there comes a point when they need to "break away" from mom and start "identifying" with dad (and being a man). But, apparently, this does not happen for all boys (or girls) but I'm sticking with guys here because I'm attracted to guys. :). Now, to me, all of this is very encouraging BECAUSE...according to the info. I found, homosexuality is not a choice people make...but neither are they born with it. It seems to me that it is a process that takes place in a child too young to even know what's happening to them. This also tells me that the "root" cause of homosexuality develops because a person is trying to survive and make sense out of things (though they don't know that in the beginning). So, then, the answer is not to accuse a homosexual of not caring about anything sacred and just abandoning it, right? Seems to me that they are trying desperately to get close to what is sacred, and moral, and right, not separate from it. Now, that's my opinion, based on what I researched; but it made light go on in my heart, because finally, this complicated subject made some sense!

Now, as mentioned, I don't have an issue with my own sexuality. My issue has to do with a fear of danger associated with men who are straight (because of past treatment). But amazingly, Dr. Nicolosi says this is the same issue that homosexual men have. That is, something happens to them that makes them afraid of men! This to me, is extremely interesting, because wouldn't you think that gay men would be afraid of WOMEN?(Isn't this why they gravitate toward men, because they're afraid of women? Dr. Nicolosi says no. Homosexual men are afraid of MEN. But they are desperately trying to connect with what they are afraid of (I would imagine, so they can conquer the the fear). He says that when a homosexual boy becomes a man, it's no longer about daddy teaching him how to be a man, but he still has the deep core loneliness inside. So he now struggles to "connect" with the men he's afraid of in another way. JN also says that homosexuality actually is not a a sexual problem...it's a gender identity problem. He quoted a client who'd been treated at his clinic as saying the following: "I realized that I don't have a problem sexually, but I DO have a problem with everything else."

Would a homosexual male, then, be unable to identify with women because he has not been allowed to identify with men either? I don't know. This is just a question that came to mind. But if it's true, it's just heartbreaking! Our men can learn to be men, so they can't identify with women either? What else is there? How does he deal with all the arguments, and stereotypes and scrutiny from others? Imagine, trying to escape one fear, only to be judged for who you've become? I think that whatever our views are on homosexuality...we need to look within the heart and empathize with someone who is probably very lonely. Those who are homosexual, and bisexual, need our love, and our support. Not our lectures, not our sermons, not our defensive arguments, and not our distancing ourselves. This only creates mistrust, which does not help. For the homosexual who secretly wishes for a wife and children, he needs to be able to voice that without being treated like he's a liar. He needs to know that there IS help and support. To the woman out there who is trying to get up the courage to let her defenses down, and just let a man be a man...I empathize with you. To the woman who feels safe with a man who's gay because he has the sensitivity she's wanting...I get it.

Lastly, to the person, who's autistic. They're lonely, curious and having trouble identifying with the same sex...let alone, the opposite sex...praying that you find someone you trust whom you can emulate, and share your feelings without fear. Do everything you can to build your confidence up, and be assertive...but gentle.

Much more to say, but I'm in need of sleep...

Blessings my friend!








How does a man be comfortable in his masculinity, and still be sweet and tender? How can a woman be comfortable in her femininity and ALLOW a man to be masculine, without unconsciously wishing he were more of a "girlfriend"? I know there are different kinds of "assertiveness," but which kind am I supposed to have? I mean, I have it in my head that straight guys are going to judge me or hurt me, or put me down...so I'm on the defensive there. This is not good, I know (because it doesn't help me get into a relationship); but I'm still trying to figure how to turn it around.

Treat Others as you Would Like to be Treated

Duh?? But I thought... Apparently, the duo Jodeci has some "Freestyle" lyrics that are derogatory because they are very disrespectful to those with Autism. In fact, I don't know why I said "apparently," because I've read the lyrics myself. I've seen a petition on Change.org, asking for a public apology, and for Jodeci to change the lyrics (or, I should say, remove them). The offensive verses are as follows:


(I went back a little bit)

"I'm undoubtedly the hottest and that's just me bein' modest.
Go check the numbers, dummy, that's just me gettin' started.
I'm artistic, you (N word's) is autistic, retarded.
Started. Hold your applause (...)"

Okay. He feels disrespected, and he's telling whomever disrespected him where they can go, right? That's basically the gist of it. ... For his own sake, he never should've used the word "Autistic" in that line! Doesn't he know that the outrage from this is only gonna get worse? The thing is...outrage usually does not surprise rappers. Autistics, take heart! What we have here is someone spewing venom to get a reaction out of someone... and we are giving (them) exactly what they expect. They are demanding respect but really disrespecting others in the process. Isn't this what usually happens with rap music? The pattern seems to be that a rapper fuels disrespect with the lyrics they write ABOUT someone else who disrespected them. They take the reaction from the public to their lyrics...and then write more lyrics about more disrespect. The cycle goes on and on.

Do I think that what (Drake) said was appropriate? Absolutely not. I think it's insulting, and derogatory and mean, and offensive, unnecessary, completely out of context, and a display of his own ignorance considering his choice of words! Never use any term that applies to a group of "differently abled" individuals to tell somebody where they can go. Why? Because, as rap artists are always whining about... IT'S TAKEN COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT AND WE'VE BEEN DISRESPECTED!!! When I say taken out of context, I simply mean that "Autistic" is obviously never a term one should use to insult someone in such a sick way. Duh, right? But some people don't get that!

Alright...expressing angst in rap music is one thing (this is what I would say to Drake) but we in the Autistic community have enough difficulties as it is explaining what Autism is NOT. So much of rap music is all about the rapper himself being taken out of context and misunderstood. HELLO!! So, if we voice how WE feel about THIS ignorance, will it be another rap song about more "disrespect"? Possibly. I don't know. As I said, the cycle goes on and on.

Do I think he should remove the lyrics? Yes. For his own sake he should remove those lyrics because now Autistic individuals everywhere are gonna say "I don't think so!". This is not just going to go away. But I refuse to personally be mad as hell at these guys and spew any uncontrollable anger, because as I said...this is the nature of rap music. Disrespect...and the disrespected fighting back...and on and on it goes. So, sign the petition...please do! It's on "CHANGE.ORG". Started by Keven Healey. There's also a link to it on Kevin Healey's Facebook page. (SAAS). In my opinion, the entire song in question is pretty much an ongoing, derogatory, offensive rant that is completely uncalled for (as is most rap music). But this time, a definite line has been crossed, don't ya think?

Noise

Duh?? But I thought... My family always seems to be in perfect sync with each other when when they talk. They speak in sync with each other and it doesn't matter what else is going on,...they always know what the other one is saying. But I'm the one who does not get heard. I try to join in conversations like those around me, and I'm ignored. I have to say things 3 to 5 times before they are even heard. I begin a sentence and I'm completely cut off. I sit between my family, trying to literally be in the middle of what's going on. It never ceases to amaze me, because my family will talk AROUND me and OVER me to each other, but I get cut off, and am not heard. I try to explain my position, and just sound completely ridiculous because the only problem seems to be that I am just too sensitive(maybe...but I can't help it.). I end up sitting on the sofa, just looking at my IPad, and grinding my teeth because I want to be heard, but I can't. When I raise my voice, I seem to just disrupt the flow of everything. My family is in sync with each other, and then they look at me like; "What's your problem?"

Most of the time, I don't really know how to get excited about the stuff my family goes on about. I find that I usually have to hear a conversation about three times before I can really respond to it the way I want. The first time, would simply be to take it all in, and make sure I understand what it's about! The second time would be to pick through and find the parts that best relate to me, and that I'm interested in. The third time would be to put together something thoughtful in response that I really want to say. However, this "process" is not real life. I only get one shot, and I'm dealing with switching subjects and sarcasm, and loud voices and jokes, and whatever is on TV. And that's another thing: Why does everybody always wait until I'm trying to watch TV to talk about everything under the sun?? I'll be watching a program that I've been waiting to watch ALL DAY, and THEN my family will start talking back and forth to each other, across the living room and the kitchen.

It is at this time that I officially become the "bad sport" because I literally become a spoiled sport. I have to get as close to the TV as possible, so I can try to hear what's going on. If ever I ask that others hush so that I can hear what's going on, I can tell that they don't get what my problem is. Then they feel nervous, like they can't say anything. (No... Just quiet down so I can hear!). The other thing I never understand is that supposedly, my family wanted to watch the same show too. But then they talk through it...loudly, and usually about things that have NOTHING to do with what's on TV.

Well...I can't hear. I can't concentrate. I can't enjoy the show because all the noise just gets mixed together and I can't process what's going on. But the worst is yet to be told :). At any given point somebody will suddenly go "So what happened?". I don't know...because I'm finding out what's happening at the same time they are...and I'm now being interrupted by someone asking me to explain what's going on! This just distracts me even further! So then, that person goes: "Well, you've been watching it, haven't you?". Strange. At the risk of just being a selfish brat: Umm, doesn't anyone else get that maybe if they would shut the hell up, I would KNOW what was going on?? Doesn't anyone else get that they said THEY wanted to watch this too...and now they're just being rude?? Doesn't anyone else see me sitting as close to the TV as possible so I can hear?? Doesn't anyone else hear me trying to " break into" this conversation so that I don't just sit there with a bad attitude all night? Doesn't anyone else get that I'm just trying to "join" what's going on, so that I don't give others the feeling that I'm being rude to them?? No. They don't even notice.

But if I get Mad, and I tell them how I feel, and I let them know that I'm mad...now I'm the one who's being rude to THEM... I'm the one with the bad attitude (they think)...I'm the one with the problem. It's ridiculous! And people wonder why those with autism are not very sociable! One minute people feel the need to remind me that I need to say something when something is wrong. The next minute, I'm trying to say that something is wrong, and I feel like I have to scream to do it because nobody hears me, and then people don't want to talk to me because they don't know what my problem is. Such is life, in an Autistic's world, I think. They say, don't sweat the small stuff. What if all you have is "the small stuff"? Amazing, when all you want to do us live your life, and others won't let you and then they think (I'm) the one with the problem. I know this is the kind of stuff that we are supposed to just laugh off...but I don't think it's funny, myself. If this were a Dear Abbey letter...I would sign it, "Frustrated."

It's Over Now, Just Move On...

Duh?? But I thought... I worry all the time about the way that I affect people, with what I do and say. It's just a fact. I also kick myself a lot for worrying too much. At my core, I would not dream of hurting someone or inconveniencing them. I want to make sure that everything that can be thought of, IS thought of. As a result, I over-correct a lot, and apologize too much. Sometimes I ask questions when (believe it or not, I don't need to) because there's no problem. Sometimes, in trying to make sure that everything is out in the open, I say too much. I'm only trying to do the right thing, but end up making too big a deal out of things, and sometimes make people uncomfortable. I can usually tell when I've crossed a line someplace, and then I agonize over that. Sometimes mistakes seem to get imprinted in my head for years after they've happened.

Even as a kid, I could tell, and so could others... that I was particularly sensitive. I really think that sometimes Aspies get tired of driving themselves crazy...but they don't know how to stop! :). As a result, I am equally afraid that I will drive others crazy that way. We tend to create what we fear right? To someone with an Aspie personality...this can be (not) a comforting thought. I remember clearly a video that shows what it feels like on a daily basis to have Asperger's syndrome. What I remember most was the constant dialogue in the gir's head. She was in a restaurant, and worried about... what to order, whether anyone else would order the same thing, whether they would leave the restaurant on time...all kinds of things that typically, you'd try to tell someone not to worry about, right? I know the feeling!

Now, in my head...I am a diva...with attitude. Knowing what I want, having something to say, I like to strike a pose when I enter a room and in the way I sit, and having many interesting words on my tongue. Hey, ladies if you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? But the truth is that someone can make one pretty insignificant comment to me, and I will worry till the end of time about WHY they said that? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? If I did, would they tell me? Now anyone who's uneasy will probably make someone else uneasy too, right? But I've also found that if it's difficult for me to forgive myself, it can be difficult for me to forgive others too, especially, if I am suspicious of them, or if I have a continuing dread that something could go wrong (which I often do). This makes me irritable. This makes me nervous. Sometimes I snap at people or get an attitude with them (yikes!)

Now, who wants to apologize for...who they are? Not me! :). But sometimes I feel like I should! Wow! But there's anther reason that this continuous stream of worry is "worrisome" to me. I want to be in a relationship with that special person someday (soon, I hope) :). But I tend to get too excited about things too quickly. I become obsessed with the possibility of meeting this person, and I want to make everything just perfect so that this can happen. The thing is, I'm supposed to be happy that I don't have to do a thing. This is the hardest thing in the WORLD for me to accept! Maybe I should not say that...but it's true. I don't know how to operate out of nothing. (It always happens when you're not looking for it. Back off so that he can come to you...that sorta thing.). I'm told that I'm supposed to be just soooo into myself that I'm not even lookin' for a guy, and they will find me. Well, I'm not that into myself...probably because I'm always worried about being TOO into myself, and then nobody likes me! :). But this does not mean that I don't think I'm a great person! :)

(Later)

I realized something as I was writing the above: Do I just not want to do anything about these things because then I can keep going on and on about them...and then I feel really important somehow? Yikes! May be that's why I seem to push things away, even though it may not look like that's what's going on.

Anyway, I'm not sure if any guy would want the job of giving me that much reassurance all the time. I mean, I know myself very well, but I tend to worry too much, as I said. I need to be reassured A LOT that everything's okay. What's worse is, I tend to need a lot of patience from others...that I don't often give back. Not purposely...there's no grudge or anything, but that's what happens when you have a one track mind, or you think you'll only have enough energy for what you want to do. Obviously, all of this needs work :). Patience doesn't tend to be a strong quality with me. I think it all depends on the situation. I just know that I apologize a lot for snapping and being irritable, and I'm always afraid that this is a strike against me, when it comes to relationships, romantic or otherwise. What would you do?

Yes, I Sleep with Stuffed Animals; What's it to ya?"

Duh?? But I thought...

I have a stuffed dog that I put next to me on the bed at night. Now, if we had a real dog, OF COURSE, he would be right there on the bed...next to my stuffed one. Anyway, I just make a joke about how "well behaved" my stuffed dog is, and leave it at that. My stuffed dog's name is Cooper, and he has a red bandanna around his neck. If he lands on the floor during the night, I pick him up and pat his head. It's like I'm apologizing, just in case he got hurt. Is this necessary? Of course not. It just makes me feel like I have a friend. Cooper reminds me of my friend who gave him to me. I like thinking of Joanie... how artistic and amazing she is. Oh yes, and the fleece material he's made of feels amazing against my face... Like a Teri-cloth bath robe but much softer! I like it very much. Do I sound like a child with a favorite toy? Good. That's what I was going for.

I have a quote on my Facebook page that says:

"I tried being an adult; I didn't do so well at it."

The quote is mine, I didn't borrow it from anywhere...and I hope that it is not nearly as immature as it sounds.

I think this is a battle that Autistic adults face quite often. That is, balancing the child-likeness of their heart, with an intellect often more grown up than many people twice their age, and a mind that often does not allow them to rest because some huge idea is causing overload, like too big a file on a hard drive. I may appear child-like... but this "child" has a college degree and has traveled outside the country. Perhaps this does not sound like much to some, but considering that sometimes I have to psych myself up just to leave my house...it's a big deal.

I think this can be a hard thing to talk about, period, because the assumption can be that someone thinks of us as weak, or unable to take care of ourselves. Please know that this is NOT my intention in writing this. For guys, this can be a different issue altogether, whether autistic or not. I once heard the female autistic personality described as a "blank slate.". I know not whether autistic males have this same issue, but I personally was rather annoyed with that description. Whatever we may emulate to "build" our personalities, we still have our own distinct personalities... whether we are children or adults.

The really odd thing is that as a child, I got along much better with adults, liked adult conversation, and was interested in adult things. At eight years old, I was interested in (drum roll please)... Greta Garbo and Buddy Holly. One, an actress from the early days of motion picture and the other, one of the pioneers of rock and roll.(He died way too young. He was twenty two. February 3d, 1963, Clear Lake Iowa...plane crash.). I guarantee you, nobody else in the third grade knew anything about that! Even if they did... why would they care? This can be the hard part, right? The "who would care" part.

So, let's see... anxiety, a fondness for childlike things, and an inclination to go on and on about... Myself! Yep...all autistic traits! Now I think I should say that I have never been diagnosed by a doctor as having Autism. I'm only self-diagnosed...I'm reading that MANY are self-diagnosed. Growing up, neither I nor my family knew anything about Autism, certainly not that it could be "high functioning.". In my particular case, I have a separate disability, and any quirks or idiosyncrasies I had were attributed to that.

However, in any case, how does a person balance a childlike heart with... the need to be an adult. Well, if I could write a manual, I would. (Hey, there could be book there!). But I'll just say it: You have to have courage. Nobody wants to stick out like a sore thumb...I get that. So I look at it this way: Be a breath of fresh air to someone else, and ware that like a "badge" of courage. Your different interests, colorful way with words, or obsession with something they've never seen before can be just the inspiration they need! This may seem over simplified, and perhaps it is... it's just a "shift" in thinking that I try to use when something negative has happened to me.

I figure if I can set my own pace, and someone is intrigued by me, they can slow down a while and we can talk. (I'll try to remember to give them a turn). (LOL). I believe that it also helps a great deal to be forgiving and patient with those who do not understand us. This might also seem like it is overly simplistic, but in my view, this can help us take a lot of pressure off. It saves a lot of angst and stress for us being misunderstood and helps the one misunderstanding us to know that we are more "down to earth" than they thought. Awesome!

For a long time, the only image we seemed to have of Autism was Rain Man. This is an image that I think has really been changing in recent years. But I think a much better example of what it can FEEL like to be autistic is Raymond's (Rain Man's) brother, rather than Ray himself. All Ray needs to feel okay, is to recite "Who's on First" over and over. This helps him get his energy out...simple. His brother (who's name I don't remember), however, needs a perfect image to be okay. Any " cracks" in this perfect image are unacceptable. A babbling, disabled brother who needs his help certainly is not something that makes him look perfect. As a result, Ray is treated cruelly and insulted and not given the same kind of attention that the NT individuals around him received. We've all been there, right?

But my point is that sometimes we can truly try to "prove" (as Autistics") that we can behave the same way as nuero-typicals, with the hope of bringing about different treatment from others, when the reality of it is that WE have the upper hand. Why do we have the upper hand? Because we are the "breath of fresh air.". We are (or can be) the difference in someone's thinking. We can be an epiphany that someone has never had before... That wonderful moment when someone has the "same" conversation they've had a million times, but they realize they've never heard that word or phrase, for example.

Today, at 35, one of the things I brag about is that I'm reading the story of Opal Whiteley. She was said to supposedly have autism, and between the ages of four and seven, she kept a journal using scraps of paper, crayons, the ability to speak more than one language, and an advanced vocabulary not familiar to most adults. Her favorite things to do were to talk to the farm animals and take nature walks. It's kinda sorta like a "Charlotte's Web," when you consider that the animals all had identities. But Opal was a real person. She even had pet pig. Grown up story? No, because Opal liked her own world better than the one around her. Typical? Nope. Interesting? Depends on who's reading it, and to this "adult," it absolutely is!!

So to every autistic adult who has ever worn themselves out trying to "keep up" with a world they don't seem to fit into... this is probably why we have the ability to disappear into worlds of our own. So, when you have a Star Wars marathon, put up a tent (in your bedroom), play with light sabers, buy animal crackers, chase bubbles, splash in rain puddles, watch cartoons for hours, hug Teddy bears, talk in foreign accents, spend too much money on a Halloween costume, or have many costumes that are NOT Halloween costumes; Congratulations to you. You are an amazing adult "child.". You have braved the neuro-typical world and behaved your way through it. Now... be yourself, to the best of your ability. I wouldn't worry about those who might have a problem with it, because you will be somebody else's "breath of fresh air."

PS... "Who's on First"!!! If you've never listened to it...please do so... and. LAUGH...LOUDLY!! :)

For all Intense Purposes...

Duh?? But I thought... I just read a blog entry from someone who stated that they have lost contact with a lot of his friends over the years. This struck a chord with me, because I've always seemed to have good friend's in my life for certain periods of time... but there always seems to be cut off point. I'm not sure why this is. I always would wonder why I did that ( or why certain people just seemed not to be in my life anymore.

Others around me seemed to keep regular, consistent contact with the same people...over periods of years. So have I in some cases, but there always seemed to be (as I said) a point where we would disappear from each other's lives. There would seem to be a certain internal pressure that I would feel, and I would think it necessary to "get away" and re-discover myself. Hmmm.. odd for someone so loyal. Ask my family or anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I am a very loyal person. I would walk through fire for anyone that I think well of. I may not SEE that person for ten years (literally) but I will always walk through fire for them, and remember what we spoke about ten years before, when I had seen them, and it can be at times like walking into the same conversation again.

That's another unusual "quirk" of mine: reappearances in people's lives. All of the sudden, I'm back, and those "close" to me are going: "Where have you BEEN??". Example: I went to the same church from age 18 till my early thirties. But I took a "hiatus" more than once while attending there. The longest one was 2 years (yikes!) so did I really go to the same church consistently? Anyway, one of those transitions was two years long. At the time, nothing bitter had happened with anyone, but even so, I just seemed to disappear. I really do think I got bored. So I changed... I transitioned, holding everybody I knew there close to me...but the thing is, how did they know that? I was. INTO other things, and seemed to "abandon" everything prior to that. I've wondered at times how many feelings I've hurt by disappearing from someone's life. I then would feel terrible for possibly upsetting people, and end up "keeping my distance" because of embarrassment.

It's just that I sometimes feel as though my life becomes too enmeshed in the lives of others. I tend to "emulate" what I see in others because I'm unsure what to do in the first place (about certain situations). Sometimes I end up forming unhealthy attachments or obsessions with one person, or a group of people. I keep these very guarded and work diligently to make sure they are kept under control. I never want to creep anyone out because I know that's not what I would want. The strange thing is that when I form such an attachment to anyone, it's because I'm beaming with pride, or joy or love because I think that person is very smart, or creative, or insightful about something. Maybe, I adore the way they dress or ware their hair. It could be any number of things. But who wants to feel like someone is driving them crazy? Who wants to feel like someone just can't back off... how awful! Anyway, I go through periods where I feel as though I need to sorta save people from myself. Sometimes I don't know how to "turn around" an attachment I've formed, and I'm afraid of it only becoming worse.

Sometimes my own feelings of endearment to a person seem to drown me. They are just too heavy... too intense. It might sound crazy, but sometimes I need to get away from others just to keep my mind clear and stay in one piece. It can be hard for me to separate opportunities given in the present with opportunities lost in the past, move the emotions outta the way and keep contact with certain people. Sometimes the ongoing contact (however appropriate it might seem), is like pouring salt into a wound (ouch!) and I need to step back. I've often worried about how my "need" for separation will affect the relationship with the one true love of my life (whom I've not yet met). Endearment, loyalty, a strong connection to each other...I have no doubt that we will have all of these things. But what happens when one or both of us needs to step back? What happens when something really painful enters our life, and there is that intense feeling that I liken to being "hit by a truck" for awhile followed by an equally intense need to start over again with something new and different. NOT with a new person!... no way! Of course not. My intense loyalty is here to stay, but sometimes people make stupid mistakes...especially when they are not thinking clearly. Know what I mean? Goodness...what a conundrum! I just hope I'm always smart enough to know what to hold onto.

The Conundrum...

Duh?? But I thought...

I have no way to get from point A to point B. This drives me crazy... Literally. I don't drive. I HATE THAT I DON't drive, it makes me nuts! I just don't know that I should be. Driving scares me to death. Plain and simple. I don't feel that it's normal that driving scares me to death... but it does. It's like my brain doesn't work that fast.

I remember, it was a big deal, way back when I was 12 years old, and I learned to walk to and from school by myself. I remember I was scared to do that too, but I dealt with it. The first time I did it, I became disoriented, and had to turn around and go home. I got to my front door and I was crying because I was embarrass that I couldn't make it all the way there. My mother met me at the door.

"It's okay, honey, I'll drive you. Don't worry you,ll get it!"

Yes, she drove me that morning, and needless to say, I learned my way there and back. In high school, I began learning how to use the bus system where I live, and took the bus everyday to school and back. As I got older, I learned how to take the bus other places, but still felt somehow like my independence was not enough. I would feel so ridiculous because I had friend's who would talk about being able to try and drive when they were twelve...

TWELVE?? This was out of the question for me, someone who was afraid to walk anywhere by herself at that age. In the south, where I have family, it's the norm to start teaching kids to drive at 12 and 13. (they have the backroads to do it. Nod course, we do too where I live in CA; but there was always some excuse as to why it could not be done... and that excuse was insurance, and of course, the cops. Mom said that her insurance would not cover me to drive her car, and besides if a cop pulled us over... what then? As someone in my 30,s now, it makes perfect sense, but back then, all I knew was that most of my friend's were able to learn to drive. I don't know if THEY were on their parents insurance, or what, and then when the time came, someone bought them a car (usually). I did not have this luxury, so I felt stuck.

All through High school I was so frustrated with myself, because I was so petrified of driving. Why? Why was I so afraid to what just seemed to come normally to everyone else around me... even people I knew who had more severe disabilities than I did. I had friend's in wheelchairs who drove. In college, my ASL teacher drove... she was deaf! (ASL means American Sign Language, BTW).
Now, once I was in high school, (I'm going backwards again). I took both drives Ed and behind the wheel driver training (when I was able to get the money somewhere. It was so exciting because I was proud of myself that I got in the car and tried... and SUCCEEDED, BTW.

But I just could not shake the fear and anxiety. I was constantly scared of being hit by another car, or hitting another car. I was scared of hitting and killing a pedestrian. The whole thing just seemed to precarious to me. Too many loud noises, and quick decisions. And, I also encountered an unexpected problem: I could not keep the car in the right place on the road. I would stare at things too long, and start veering and drifting, but the scary thing was that I would not realize I did this, until my instructor would reach over and turn the wheel back in his direction.

"Can you not see that you're doing that?". He would ask. I really couldn't. Until it was almost too late. This freaked me out. Why was that happening to me?? If I was on a main road, at least, I could follow the lane I was supposed to be in...but would still drift over. If I were on a residential street...forget it! There were no lines or marks on the road to tell me where the car should go, and I found myself unable to visualize IF a car is coming from the other way... IF I'm turning, am I turning into the correct lane? Nope, usually, I was turning right in the path of where the car coming the opposite direction should be.

All this, and I had to read street signs, watch for things and people darting into the road...all split second decisions! It was like my brain, literally could not keep up. What a mess. According to most driver training instructors, I should have been ready within about 3 days to go and get my license. All I could think was, "That's a laugh...it takes everything I have just to get in the car and try!"

I even found a driving instructor who specialized in working with disabled adults! This experience had it's positive highlights, but most of the time he just got upset at me because he thought I wasn't listening to him. It's not that I was not listening to him. I don't think I could really process what he was saying because I was always a couple instructions behind what he was saying. There were times that I really didn't do so bad, but part of me would just feel exhausted. I felt like the hour in the car with the instructor was about all I could handle. Besides, what would I do when the instructor was not there anymore?

Okay, I deliberately waited till the end to mention my disabilitie(s). At birth, I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, which turned out to be mild. The truth is that for most of my life, I haven't even known anything about Autism. I only started learning about that last year. The more I researched it, the more I saw that my symptoms matched up what I was reading. This was the first time I realized that Autism can be extremely distracting! Bright lights, loud noises sudden changes... stupid people who don't look or signal! :). And on top of that...hearing things around me, but not always being sure which direction they are coming from. The irony is, I can hear quite well, I have a very musical ear... but when there are a lot of other noises around me... my perception is off.

Not only that, I have trouble telling others how to get from point A to point B because it's like I can't construct it in my mind. I understand landmarks and main streets and where to get off the bus. I'm not the right person to take a trip through "backroads" with. No I DO NOT know whether we can get (there) from (here). I don't even know if I can get (there) from (here) the normal way., because MY normal way is not driving. Today, I'm in my mid thirties, and still do not drive. I actually feel safer that I don't...I think it's just better that way (for me, and probably everybody everyone else on the road) :). But I'm also a single woman, as in not-married-to-an-empathetic-husband-who-understands-that- I-probably-should -not-be-driving.

Now, I think I should add that I have a lot to be proud of, because I've lived away from home, once with a room ate who also didn't drive, and once on my own. I took the bus everywhere and had a community of friend's who knew that I don't drive, and they would help out (if it were night time or something). A dear friend of mine once said to me that I should not forget that all of this is independence too. I agree with her, but I still dread thinking that others will think I'm "less than" because I do not drive. I would imagine, this is probably because I struggle with feeling that way about myself. I've actually been afraid that guys would not want to marry me because I did not drive. Would he look at me as some sort of a "weak link" or something?

This seems complicated when you come from a family of very independent women who seem to just handle everything. Add to that the fact that all your friends your age are driving kids all over the place, and taking care of other adults who don't drive (me included). Something this simple can make it hard sometimes find common ground with people. It's weird sometimes... I'm not afraid of taking trains or planes... I actually spent a semester in England back in 2004 and ironically, found it much easier to live THERE than here. British people don't find it at all unusual if someone does not have a car...in fact, they ENCOURAGE people not to have them! (They don't have the room for all the traffic). Gee, maybe I should live there (??)

Anyway, a person is so much more than whether they drive a car, but, I wonder if that's much easier to say... when you actually do. No kidding, I feel the need to prove myself to people in every other way because I don't drive. I'm just so afraid they'll put me down or not like me. It's like something is "broken" and I can't fix it. I always wonder if anyone else my age goes through this.