If mobility is a challenge for someone, they will probably have trouble meeting someone... That's just the way it is. There are all kinds of wonderful meetings and groups out there, but if a person can't get to them, it's hard for them to be motivated or meet people. The thing is... This can really sour the attitude and turn someone into a person that is not easy to be around.
Today's entry is for those who are really hurting because life's circumstances have worn you down... And you're not sure what to do about it. Maybe you don't drive, and it's hard for you to get anywhere. Maybe you live in an area where the nearest bus stop... Isn't near you. Maybe, for this reason, it's very challenging for you to be sociable. Maybe you don't mind asking people for rides, but it's a tricky thing because others are always busy with their jobs and their spouses and their kids (you know, those things you wish you had, but you can't get out and meet someone). I understand.
Maybe you feel frustrated because you can't really talk to anyone about it because they think you're just feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe they go on and on and on because they think you're supposed to be so happy that you're single. Maybe, you're actually glad that you don't have much to do in a day, because it lessens your anxiety.... But at times the boredom and the loneliness just make you wanna come out of your own skin. Maybe, the feeling of disconnect drives you crazy. You just wanna be a part of something going on out there but it's incredibly difficult to get out there. I understand.
Maybe sometimes you wonder if you could stay in bed forever. Maybe, you're fighting this... Nobody was ever REALLY made for it but the idea is looking more and more attractive all the time. Maybe, yo've been blessed with a little bit of money, but not quite enough to do anything really significant with it. Try as might to save, and have some extra, you're still living month to month to month. Maybe you're constantly thinking "What do I do now?". Maybe you can't say this out loud because it just brings people down. Maybe, you live alone and just need someone to talk to. Maybe you've found an outlet in social media, and someone has chastened you for it, because they say THAT'S THE REASON you never go out and do anything. Maybe social media makes you sick now because you're tired of watching most other people's lives get better than yours... With all the the trips they are on and stuff. The new jobs, the promotions, the stupid, pink hearts saying that SOMEBODY ELSE is in a relationship.... and all you want is half a chance! Oh, my friend! I put my arms around you and give you big hugs because I understand!
I wish there were people permanently employed to pick people up and spend the day with them. You need to go to the grocery store?...the mall?... The park? Sure! You have a meeting you need to get to? No problem! Maybe you have a job and you need a mode of transportation more reliable than the city bus. Maybe the same goes for church on Sundays. Maybe you went to a church that you loved for years, but you and someone there had a falling out. Maybe, you love that person, but you're simply not sure how to deal with what happened. Maybe, because you have mobility issues, it's not that easy for you to just go out and find another one. Maybe, the same thing goes for a Bible Study. Gee, would't that be nice?? Maybe, you just need somebody to empathize and say I understand... I do, my friend...I do. Maybe, it's gotten to where other people's confidence can even irritate you. You're happy for them, but wonder where they get it from... Can I have that myself? Maybe, you used to... But now you just wonder where it all went. Maybe, at times, you feel awful because a person this age shouldn't have this much inactivity in your life. Oh, my friend...I SO understand!!
Maybe you graduated college fairly recently, and you think that at least while you were still in school you had something to do! I understand my friend! Maybe you wanted to continue on in school, but ran out of money, and because you weren't working... Well, you get the idea. Boy, do I understand!! Maybe you had a pretty good volunteer position somewhere that you were praying would turn into a paying job. Oh, they kept hiring people, alright...but not you. Big hugs my friend...I understand where you're coming from. Maybe, you know, you have things to offer... You just wish you could let someone else know it. Big hugs to you my friend! I get it. I empathize with you and send you my prayers.
Maybe a root of bitterness has taken over your sweetness, and it just makes you wanna cry. Maybe, you don't even know how you got there, but you just wanna plead with people that this isn't the real you. Maybe you wanna tell people that you remember a time when you were happy. Sometimes you see little glimmers of it, but you still wonder where it went. I understand. My arms are around you, giving you big hugs. I tell you that sometimes, worrying about always saying the right thing is really over rated. Duh!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Be Careful
I'd friended someone on Facebook because this person seemed to know a lot abbot something I found useful. One night, suddenly, he began conversing with me rather casually, like he'd known me his whole life. I didn't sense that he had any bad intentions, but I think that is exactly what made me nervous. Being that this person is an Aspie, the rather informal conversation didn't really surprise me... But I was still creeped out. I decided to be sensitive and give him a chance. He'd read my recent blog entry, which was fine. But looking back, I realize that he was very non specific about the things that he was asking me about. I'm deliberately not being specific right now, because the actual conversation doesn't need to be disclosed, and my purpose of this is not to tattle (as it were) on anyone. I found myself thinking "Don't you know that I be barely know you?". But I realized that this is part of that personal space that Aspies often are unaware that we need. I found it more creepy, when he told me (in one short sentence) that he had moved where I live. (Yikes!). My very first thought was "Why are you telling me that?"
Was he innocently trying to begin conversation with me, or was he some creepy stalker? I didn't want to say anymore, so I got off Facebook, and soon forgot the incident. Nothing major happened for a long time. Recently, I saw that this person had added me to the group I was interested in (fine). In fact, I was excited, now other people could respond to things I had to say, and I could learn some cool stuff. So, he welcomed me to the group blah, blah blah... Yeah, okay cool. Then I noticed he'd responded to a couple things on my page, which in itself, isn't bad... But he'd never done that before. So, the following day, There's this post that's one line, that says: "Message me when you get this." (Or something like that.). He'd also left me a message saying the same thing. And the message he sent me said something about "Hope I didn't creep you out," or something to that affect. Now I had NO IDEA what he meant (???). Why would he creep me out? Why would he THINK he'd creeped me out? So, I messaged him, and simply asked him, WHAT was so important? Why did he want me to message him so badly?
Now, I have to admit, I thought (I had thought for a long time) that it was possible that this guy may have begun to like me. I figured maybe his extreme excitement coupled with a lack of social skills might've caused him to panic, and that might've made him overbearing in his approach. I figured THEN he was probably worried about whether he'd said too much. I thought that THIS was where the sentence about being "creeped out" came from. But I was wrong. He asked me AGAIN whether or not I would call him. I asked him straight up: "Are you trying to ask me out because I'm really confused.". If he'd said "Yes," then it all would have made sense. But he didn't. He said "No," with a sad face.
I was totally dumbfounded... And angry! What the hell was going on here?? Again, I leveled with him. I told him that I did not know him' and that if I couldn't even know why I should call him, that made me nervous. (to me, it was like "Duh!". But this guy didn't get that.). I gave him one last chance: "Why can't you just tell me what this is about?" I asked. He then proceeded to go into a story about a relative... a story that needed to involve the police... Not me (!!). I told him as much, too. No severe danger or anything like that, just a matter that needed to be settled with the people involved, and perhaps the police... But certainly not some girl you've never met before! All of the sudden, I felt like I needed to be this guy's parent. I told him that this was highly inappropriate and that he had officially creeped me out. I said, you don't message people you've never met and tell them things like that. I said I don't even know your first name. Now, it was obvious at this point, that I was unfriending him, and leaving that group! But somehow, I needed to tell him that what he did was wrong (!!!). He could sense it, too. He apologized several times. Then he said the most dangerous thing of all... He said that I was the only person he knew there and that he wasn't very familiar with the area.
Needless to say, I left that group and immediately unfriended this person.
Now, this has me thinking a lot about boundaries. I could see so clearly that this guy did not have a "guard" in place that let him know that it wasn't good to be telling me all those things. Did not surprise me. The last thing he said to me before I cut him off was that we are both Aspies, and you know how they ramble on. Yes I do. But you can ramble on to someone without scaring them to death! Anyway, this made me think of some things to keep in mind.
When we learned to drive, we're taught that we need to drive defensively...in other words, never take for granted that other people know what you're thinking. Aspie's romanticize a lot, and sometimes they "role play" or imagine what they would want to say if a person were really there. They then dwell on what they have imagined....Sometimes, by the time they get around to actually talking to the person, they don't realize that this person has not "imagined" all those same things they imagined. This person can't relate to this sense of closeness that the other person has now built up in their mind. Aspies tend to think about things, the way they want them to end up... But forget that the other person doesn't know what they've been thinking about. They then speak to this person as though their end result has already taken place. They don't realize that this person has no clue what they are talking about. Aspie's often imagine an outcome with another person. This makes them feel like they're "with" that person, and they then begin to ramble on to this person as though they really were with them, and they know what they are thinking. They don't.
Now, that guy may know he has good intentions, and he may know he'd never hurt me... But I DO NOT know that! I don't know this guy! He could be a serial killer who wants to find his way to my house, for all I know! Maybe that's the "real" reason he was mentioning "locations" to me... I mean, how do I know?? There's no way I'm gonna trust someone that easily! Always remember that you don't know what the other person's true intentions are if you've only just met them. This does not mean, be unkind to them. It means there are many things you should not express to them at this time because it's not appropriate. People are not nearly as well-intentioned as we'd like to think (sometimes). Be careful. I think many times, Aspie's confuse being kind and outgoing with telling someone personal stories. They take for granted that this person is their "friend" and then begin to try and become "closer" to them by telling them more "too personal" information. Nope... This is not how it works...in fact, this can be quite dangerous.
1. Take it easy. If you begin conversing online with someone, DO NOT make them feel like something's urgent. This will scare them. It will not make them feel comfortable talking to you.
2. Plainly state your reason for messaging them/speaking to them, and ask them if that's okay. If you have never met them before, ASK them if you can introduce yourself to them. Yes. This is not unnecessary or stupid. This shows that you are aware that that you've never met them before and you realize that you need to earn the privlidge of being in their space.
3. Never give personal contact information to someone you do not know. Actually, this needs to be number one. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS PERSON WILL DO WITH THAT INFORMATION!
4. NEVER DISCUSS WHERE YOU LIVE WITH SOMEONE YOU DO NOT KNOW!! Beyond the name of your town, there should be no hint as to where your residence is!! If you're the one who started the conversation, do not ask this person for specific locations in their town. Think of it this way: if someone means you harm, they are not going to let you know that... so you can figure it out! They're going to get information from you, without you even knowing what's going on...unless you recognize what's happening.
5. Don't insist on someone calling you and then not tell them why. First of all, you don't know the person. Second of all, this makes you look desperate, and that person has every right to be scared of you. Thirdly, it's just plain creepy! Fourth, how does that person know that you don't mean them any harm? They don't!
5. Guys, if you're speaking to a female that you have no intentions with, DO NOT make it seem like you're trying to ask her out. (However poor the attempt). When you say to a girl that you REALLY want her to call you... This means that you're attracted to her, and you want to ask her out... Period. If you don't want to do that, don't insist on having her number! Ladies if he insists on having your number and seems to push you to give it to him, get away from him! He's not the right kind of guy. The right kind of guy will slowly, gently get to know you first, and then give you the OPTION of calling him if you would like to. He won't shove it down your throat and insist on it!
On a very personal note...ladies, use your instinct. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is not always the best thing. My mother has always taught me this:
"Go with your gut. If you think something's wrong, then there probably is."
Be careful.
Was he innocently trying to begin conversation with me, or was he some creepy stalker? I didn't want to say anymore, so I got off Facebook, and soon forgot the incident. Nothing major happened for a long time. Recently, I saw that this person had added me to the group I was interested in (fine). In fact, I was excited, now other people could respond to things I had to say, and I could learn some cool stuff. So, he welcomed me to the group blah, blah blah... Yeah, okay cool. Then I noticed he'd responded to a couple things on my page, which in itself, isn't bad... But he'd never done that before. So, the following day, There's this post that's one line, that says: "Message me when you get this." (Or something like that.). He'd also left me a message saying the same thing. And the message he sent me said something about "Hope I didn't creep you out," or something to that affect. Now I had NO IDEA what he meant (???). Why would he creep me out? Why would he THINK he'd creeped me out? So, I messaged him, and simply asked him, WHAT was so important? Why did he want me to message him so badly?
Now, I have to admit, I thought (I had thought for a long time) that it was possible that this guy may have begun to like me. I figured maybe his extreme excitement coupled with a lack of social skills might've caused him to panic, and that might've made him overbearing in his approach. I figured THEN he was probably worried about whether he'd said too much. I thought that THIS was where the sentence about being "creeped out" came from. But I was wrong. He asked me AGAIN whether or not I would call him. I asked him straight up: "Are you trying to ask me out because I'm really confused.". If he'd said "Yes," then it all would have made sense. But he didn't. He said "No," with a sad face.
I was totally dumbfounded... And angry! What the hell was going on here?? Again, I leveled with him. I told him that I did not know him' and that if I couldn't even know why I should call him, that made me nervous. (to me, it was like "Duh!". But this guy didn't get that.). I gave him one last chance: "Why can't you just tell me what this is about?" I asked. He then proceeded to go into a story about a relative... a story that needed to involve the police... Not me (!!). I told him as much, too. No severe danger or anything like that, just a matter that needed to be settled with the people involved, and perhaps the police... But certainly not some girl you've never met before! All of the sudden, I felt like I needed to be this guy's parent. I told him that this was highly inappropriate and that he had officially creeped me out. I said, you don't message people you've never met and tell them things like that. I said I don't even know your first name. Now, it was obvious at this point, that I was unfriending him, and leaving that group! But somehow, I needed to tell him that what he did was wrong (!!!). He could sense it, too. He apologized several times. Then he said the most dangerous thing of all... He said that I was the only person he knew there and that he wasn't very familiar with the area.
Needless to say, I left that group and immediately unfriended this person.
Now, this has me thinking a lot about boundaries. I could see so clearly that this guy did not have a "guard" in place that let him know that it wasn't good to be telling me all those things. Did not surprise me. The last thing he said to me before I cut him off was that we are both Aspies, and you know how they ramble on. Yes I do. But you can ramble on to someone without scaring them to death! Anyway, this made me think of some things to keep in mind.
When we learned to drive, we're taught that we need to drive defensively...in other words, never take for granted that other people know what you're thinking. Aspie's romanticize a lot, and sometimes they "role play" or imagine what they would want to say if a person were really there. They then dwell on what they have imagined....Sometimes, by the time they get around to actually talking to the person, they don't realize that this person has not "imagined" all those same things they imagined. This person can't relate to this sense of closeness that the other person has now built up in their mind. Aspies tend to think about things, the way they want them to end up... But forget that the other person doesn't know what they've been thinking about. They then speak to this person as though their end result has already taken place. They don't realize that this person has no clue what they are talking about. Aspie's often imagine an outcome with another person. This makes them feel like they're "with" that person, and they then begin to ramble on to this person as though they really were with them, and they know what they are thinking. They don't.
Now, that guy may know he has good intentions, and he may know he'd never hurt me... But I DO NOT know that! I don't know this guy! He could be a serial killer who wants to find his way to my house, for all I know! Maybe that's the "real" reason he was mentioning "locations" to me... I mean, how do I know?? There's no way I'm gonna trust someone that easily! Always remember that you don't know what the other person's true intentions are if you've only just met them. This does not mean, be unkind to them. It means there are many things you should not express to them at this time because it's not appropriate. People are not nearly as well-intentioned as we'd like to think (sometimes). Be careful. I think many times, Aspie's confuse being kind and outgoing with telling someone personal stories. They take for granted that this person is their "friend" and then begin to try and become "closer" to them by telling them more "too personal" information. Nope... This is not how it works...in fact, this can be quite dangerous.
1. Take it easy. If you begin conversing online with someone, DO NOT make them feel like something's urgent. This will scare them. It will not make them feel comfortable talking to you.
2. Plainly state your reason for messaging them/speaking to them, and ask them if that's okay. If you have never met them before, ASK them if you can introduce yourself to them. Yes. This is not unnecessary or stupid. This shows that you are aware that that you've never met them before and you realize that you need to earn the privlidge of being in their space.
3. Never give personal contact information to someone you do not know. Actually, this needs to be number one. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS PERSON WILL DO WITH THAT INFORMATION!
4. NEVER DISCUSS WHERE YOU LIVE WITH SOMEONE YOU DO NOT KNOW!! Beyond the name of your town, there should be no hint as to where your residence is!! If you're the one who started the conversation, do not ask this person for specific locations in their town. Think of it this way: if someone means you harm, they are not going to let you know that... so you can figure it out! They're going to get information from you, without you even knowing what's going on...unless you recognize what's happening.
5. Don't insist on someone calling you and then not tell them why. First of all, you don't know the person. Second of all, this makes you look desperate, and that person has every right to be scared of you. Thirdly, it's just plain creepy! Fourth, how does that person know that you don't mean them any harm? They don't!
5. Guys, if you're speaking to a female that you have no intentions with, DO NOT make it seem like you're trying to ask her out. (However poor the attempt). When you say to a girl that you REALLY want her to call you... This means that you're attracted to her, and you want to ask her out... Period. If you don't want to do that, don't insist on having her number! Ladies if he insists on having your number and seems to push you to give it to him, get away from him! He's not the right kind of guy. The right kind of guy will slowly, gently get to know you first, and then give you the OPTION of calling him if you would like to. He won't shove it down your throat and insist on it!
On a very personal note...ladies, use your instinct. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is not always the best thing. My mother has always taught me this:
"Go with your gut. If you think something's wrong, then there probably is."
Be careful.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Buddy the Elf??
It occurred to me today that having AS or high functioning Autism might be described like being Buddy the Elf walking around New York City (minus the costume, of course). Okay, maybe this example is a bit extreme... But I think that's exactly my point. Buddy is just purely excited by everything, and wants everyone to be just as excited as he is. He has the best intentions in the world... But often annoys people because he doesn't understand social norms.
Christmas trees are amazing! But chopping a tree down in a public park is a fellany Our dad is so special to us, but we don't buy him something from the women's department because the rack says "For That Special Someone.". We certainly would never refer to a dwarf, or a little person as an elf. In reality, this is a horrible insult. But in Buddy's world, very short people are elves! No offense... Just simple truth! A truth Buddy understands, but no one else has experienced. At least, not in that way! :). I think the best thing about being blessed with an Autistic mind, can be the ability to take very complex things and make them simple. An example would be when Buddy tells Jovie that he likes her. Wouldn't it be the greatest thing in the world if every guy just said: "I feel really warm when I am around you."? Well, it would be if everyone understood it the way that Buddy meant it. Isn't this exactly the way we feel when we're in love? (Like we're warmed up from the inside?) Isn't this the most perfect way of explaining it? Yes!
But there's a big problem, of course. Should any guy actually say this to a girl? Well...let's examine this a little. (you're thinking "WHAT??" right?). If this girl were ME, and I were friend's first with a cute guy, I would adore it, if he said this to me as a way of saying "I like you.". This is because I love the movie "Elf" and I would understand that (movie) line. :). I think this would be cute and wonderful, and part of getting to know what this girl (me) likes as a person.
But obviously, as a general rule, you would never say this to anyone you barely know, because it isn't appropriate...it would creep them out. It's also inappropriate to, say, drop your pants right in front of people, but this is what Buddy does! (Hey, he had to, his dad said "lose the tights," right?). :). Okay, okay... I'm being silly, and this is exaggerated, but I still believe there's a point here. By the way, if a sign said "Peep Show,". why wouldn't it be that we can see the presents before Christmas?? :). Okay... that does mean something WAY different! But I enjoy Buddy's meaning a lot more, don't you? It's fun, it's literal, it's for the best reason, and it's a picture of childlike excitement. How wonderful! But of course, it's not TRUE.
That's the thing. The real truth is that we use a lot of what are called expressions... because we don't express ourselves very well. We explain the way that things are by saying what they are not. I'm talking abbot neuro typicals now, not those with AS or HFA. The expression "Peep Show" SHOULD NOT mean what it means...but it does. This is what I'm talking about. Thanks to things that we "imply" and something called "connotation," and "innuendo," neuro typicals are usually saying things that they don't mean, because for whatever reason, what they really mean must be hidden or changed. Why? Many times I think it's because maybe what they are saying does not need to be said. :). The term "Peep Show," stupid as that is, suggests a whole world of inappropriate things that don't even need to be brought up. So, we say a bunch of crazy things that don't make any sense in order to mean a bunch of things we can't really say because they are not appropriate. This, ladies and gentleman is called... being an adult (!!!)
Those of you with AS or HFA; if you're confused...it's no wonder! That IS confusing!! Isn't it? It's also ridiculous and stupid! (I mean let's be honest.) But THAT is, unfortunately, the way the world (doesn't) work. :) The truth is, neuro typicals are confused about those things too (they really are!). They just have the cliche's and the innuendos and the body language to make it LOOK like they're not. :). Now sometimes, what we say needs to be cliche'd or put another way, because put too bluntly will hurt someone, or really embarrass them. This is unkind, of course; but what's also unkind is using cliche's and innuendoes to explain what you mean so that certain others are excluded from the meaning. This also happens A LOT. When it does... You're not at fault. This is not written to put anyone down or anything. It's just my personal belief that sometimes neuro typicals are more socially backwards than we think.
Now, I do believe that help with socialization is very important particularly for those with AS or Autism. Women with AS, even more specifically can benefit from some life coaching because they can be much better at "masking" their AS characteristics than guys (typically) and after a while, we can mask them from ourselves too. :). My point is, I think that sometimes, we put a great deal of effort into "mastering" the way that neuro typicals think and what they say and how they view the world. My feeling is...set your own example. Walk at your own pace (whenever you can). This is not an easy thing. We have to be very brave because the neuro typical world will make fun of us, and they will get fed up with us, because they think we don't understand. But not everyone will feel this way. :). When people have an interest in you, they will slow down to see what you're about. We don't need to worry so much about figuring out how to be like someone else. We may not feel "fine" just the way we are... But I'd bet money, that might be because we're better, and we don't yet realize it.
As Shakespeare put it: "To thyne own self be true." :)
Christmas trees are amazing! But chopping a tree down in a public park is a fellany Our dad is so special to us, but we don't buy him something from the women's department because the rack says "For That Special Someone.". We certainly would never refer to a dwarf, or a little person as an elf. In reality, this is a horrible insult. But in Buddy's world, very short people are elves! No offense... Just simple truth! A truth Buddy understands, but no one else has experienced. At least, not in that way! :). I think the best thing about being blessed with an Autistic mind, can be the ability to take very complex things and make them simple. An example would be when Buddy tells Jovie that he likes her. Wouldn't it be the greatest thing in the world if every guy just said: "I feel really warm when I am around you."? Well, it would be if everyone understood it the way that Buddy meant it. Isn't this exactly the way we feel when we're in love? (Like we're warmed up from the inside?) Isn't this the most perfect way of explaining it? Yes!
But there's a big problem, of course. Should any guy actually say this to a girl? Well...let's examine this a little. (you're thinking "WHAT??" right?). If this girl were ME, and I were friend's first with a cute guy, I would adore it, if he said this to me as a way of saying "I like you.". This is because I love the movie "Elf" and I would understand that (movie) line. :). I think this would be cute and wonderful, and part of getting to know what this girl (me) likes as a person.
But obviously, as a general rule, you would never say this to anyone you barely know, because it isn't appropriate...it would creep them out. It's also inappropriate to, say, drop your pants right in front of people, but this is what Buddy does! (Hey, he had to, his dad said "lose the tights," right?). :). Okay, okay... I'm being silly, and this is exaggerated, but I still believe there's a point here. By the way, if a sign said "Peep Show,". why wouldn't it be that we can see the presents before Christmas?? :). Okay... that does mean something WAY different! But I enjoy Buddy's meaning a lot more, don't you? It's fun, it's literal, it's for the best reason, and it's a picture of childlike excitement. How wonderful! But of course, it's not TRUE.
That's the thing. The real truth is that we use a lot of what are called expressions... because we don't express ourselves very well. We explain the way that things are by saying what they are not. I'm talking abbot neuro typicals now, not those with AS or HFA. The expression "Peep Show" SHOULD NOT mean what it means...but it does. This is what I'm talking about. Thanks to things that we "imply" and something called "connotation," and "innuendo," neuro typicals are usually saying things that they don't mean, because for whatever reason, what they really mean must be hidden or changed. Why? Many times I think it's because maybe what they are saying does not need to be said. :). The term "Peep Show," stupid as that is, suggests a whole world of inappropriate things that don't even need to be brought up. So, we say a bunch of crazy things that don't make any sense in order to mean a bunch of things we can't really say because they are not appropriate. This, ladies and gentleman is called... being an adult (!!!)
Those of you with AS or HFA; if you're confused...it's no wonder! That IS confusing!! Isn't it? It's also ridiculous and stupid! (I mean let's be honest.) But THAT is, unfortunately, the way the world (doesn't) work. :) The truth is, neuro typicals are confused about those things too (they really are!). They just have the cliche's and the innuendos and the body language to make it LOOK like they're not. :). Now sometimes, what we say needs to be cliche'd or put another way, because put too bluntly will hurt someone, or really embarrass them. This is unkind, of course; but what's also unkind is using cliche's and innuendoes to explain what you mean so that certain others are excluded from the meaning. This also happens A LOT. When it does... You're not at fault. This is not written to put anyone down or anything. It's just my personal belief that sometimes neuro typicals are more socially backwards than we think.
Now, I do believe that help with socialization is very important particularly for those with AS or Autism. Women with AS, even more specifically can benefit from some life coaching because they can be much better at "masking" their AS characteristics than guys (typically) and after a while, we can mask them from ourselves too. :). My point is, I think that sometimes, we put a great deal of effort into "mastering" the way that neuro typicals think and what they say and how they view the world. My feeling is...set your own example. Walk at your own pace (whenever you can). This is not an easy thing. We have to be very brave because the neuro typical world will make fun of us, and they will get fed up with us, because they think we don't understand. But not everyone will feel this way. :). When people have an interest in you, they will slow down to see what you're about. We don't need to worry so much about figuring out how to be like someone else. We may not feel "fine" just the way we are... But I'd bet money, that might be because we're better, and we don't yet realize it.
As Shakespeare put it: "To thyne own self be true." :)
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
From the Heart! :)
I was looking back through my searches and found the book "22 Things A Woman Should Know If She Loves A Man With Asperger's Syndrome.". Well, of course I've looked this book up many times, but I did another Google search on it. Anyway, the Amazon description says that a relationship with a guy with AS can be difficult, but not impossible. A relationship with ANYONE can be difficult, but not impossible. So what does that mean?
I've done a lot of searches on how AS affects temperament in both men and women. What breaks my heart is that all of these seemed to try and teach a person what to look out for. Now, this can be a good thing, just FYI... But basing relationships on things we need to try and prevent, or stay away from, or look out for usually doesn't help people become closer. Now thank God for people's genuine efforts... This is wonderful. But each piece of fear and negativity can frighten us, and just make us feel we need to step back. This is okay for a time.... But relationships need to grow together... Not apart, would you agree?
So, let's accentuate the positive, shall we?
Now, keep in mind, this is all my opinion. I won't speak using other sources... Just from my own heart. People with AS are loyal to their very core, and it's very important to them that they show it because they have (usually) an insatiable need for others approval. This can be the best possible thing when it comes to relationships because when they love you, it means more than anything to them to win your approval. So, I'll just be blatantly honest here. These are very simple, but most of the time our society thinks them insensitive, unnecessary and "not taking care of my needs.".
1. You gotta let him think it's his idea
Don't worry, this isn't insulting it's just true. He needs to be your hero, but sometimes he has no idea how to go about doing that. So always think the best of him, especially when it's hard. This helps to ease tension. Find something that you know he would love and point it out to him.when you speak to him, take something that you know you wanna do and try to present it in a way that's attractive to HIM. Ladies, there definitely is an art to this, and we women are the only creatures on earth who have the power to do it. It isn't dishonesty, it's being smart enough to try and help things work out for the both of you. This is not easy, but there is something very refreshing & attractive about it.
2. Praise him to the skies.
Yes... especially in front of others. Come on, you already think he's wonderful, right? So point it out!... Wherever possible, whenever possible, point it out! If you need to, make lists of things you're proud of him for (sure, why not?). It's not weakness... It's wonderful that his accomplishments mean so much to you. (Don't carry the list around and say "honey, look what I remembered about you"... That ruins the whole thing. (if that last sentence sounded odd to you, just remember that people with AS are very literal) :)
3. Always try to give him warning.
Tell him you have something to tell him or ask him, and ask if now is a good time. Always be gentle. This is one of those incredibly simple things that we think goes without even being said ("Duh!," right?) but it's easy to forget :) Sometimes it helps to leave him a note. You wanna be strong on the inside so you can be soft on the outside. Most of what I've read seems to try to teach women to sharpen their defenses to make them strong on the outside in order to protect themselves on the inside. This seems to just leave us angry and frustrated... And him too. :)
Now, there's more I'd like to get into, but I think I'll save that for another entry. Now that I've given my opinion, I will give 2 sources: Rori Raye ( she's on Google & You Tube) and Proverbs 31 :)
Take care everybody!
PS...I've never read Rudy Simone's book, although I would love to! :)
I've done a lot of searches on how AS affects temperament in both men and women. What breaks my heart is that all of these seemed to try and teach a person what to look out for. Now, this can be a good thing, just FYI... But basing relationships on things we need to try and prevent, or stay away from, or look out for usually doesn't help people become closer. Now thank God for people's genuine efforts... This is wonderful. But each piece of fear and negativity can frighten us, and just make us feel we need to step back. This is okay for a time.... But relationships need to grow together... Not apart, would you agree?
So, let's accentuate the positive, shall we?
Now, keep in mind, this is all my opinion. I won't speak using other sources... Just from my own heart. People with AS are loyal to their very core, and it's very important to them that they show it because they have (usually) an insatiable need for others approval. This can be the best possible thing when it comes to relationships because when they love you, it means more than anything to them to win your approval. So, I'll just be blatantly honest here. These are very simple, but most of the time our society thinks them insensitive, unnecessary and "not taking care of my needs.".
1. You gotta let him think it's his idea
Don't worry, this isn't insulting it's just true. He needs to be your hero, but sometimes he has no idea how to go about doing that. So always think the best of him, especially when it's hard. This helps to ease tension. Find something that you know he would love and point it out to him.when you speak to him, take something that you know you wanna do and try to present it in a way that's attractive to HIM. Ladies, there definitely is an art to this, and we women are the only creatures on earth who have the power to do it. It isn't dishonesty, it's being smart enough to try and help things work out for the both of you. This is not easy, but there is something very refreshing & attractive about it.
2. Praise him to the skies.
Yes... especially in front of others. Come on, you already think he's wonderful, right? So point it out!... Wherever possible, whenever possible, point it out! If you need to, make lists of things you're proud of him for (sure, why not?). It's not weakness... It's wonderful that his accomplishments mean so much to you. (Don't carry the list around and say "honey, look what I remembered about you"... That ruins the whole thing. (if that last sentence sounded odd to you, just remember that people with AS are very literal) :)
3. Always try to give him warning.
Tell him you have something to tell him or ask him, and ask if now is a good time. Always be gentle. This is one of those incredibly simple things that we think goes without even being said ("Duh!," right?) but it's easy to forget :) Sometimes it helps to leave him a note. You wanna be strong on the inside so you can be soft on the outside. Most of what I've read seems to try to teach women to sharpen their defenses to make them strong on the outside in order to protect themselves on the inside. This seems to just leave us angry and frustrated... And him too. :)
Now, there's more I'd like to get into, but I think I'll save that for another entry. Now that I've given my opinion, I will give 2 sources: Rori Raye ( she's on Google & You Tube) and Proverbs 31 :)
Take care everybody!
PS...I've never read Rudy Simone's book, although I would love to! :)
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Mixed Messages
I've heard that exclusivity with guys is not the big deal that it can be with us girls.. Apparently girls often make the mistake of thinking that guys want them and only them... Forever; when in truth, the guy is often just on a "wait and see" basis, figuring that if his current girlfriend doesn't work out... he'll find another one. Often, guys won't even have romantic intentions with a girl, but they will do things (unknowingly) make girls believe that there's an attachment there.
I wanna say, guys... Tell her. If you don't have any romantic intentions with her, tell her-- especially if giving your phone number is involved! This is generally the most obvious evidence that you ARE interested in her. You gave her your number, you want her to call you right? Duh! Only, in this case it wasn't that way at all. If you do have intentions with her... Tell her! Hang around her for a while so you guys can form a friendship (first). This way, she won't feel like you're only trying to pick up on her.
I really do believe that women (no matter how they act) really do want the guy to be the one to make the first move. They want him to lead. They want him to be in control so that they feel safe. They want a man... Not a little boy. But our society makes men feminine and women masculine. Our society teaches that women have to do it all because men are idiots who can't do anything right. And I think more and more men have believed the lie. In my opinion, men seem to step aside and "wait" for women to handle everything because they are by nature, into their own agendas, and letting women handle everything allows them to stay there, and also because, this way, they get to avoid failure. But there is no "conquering" in this... No victory. A bizarre and frustrating result to this, is that women are often forced to take a leadership position that they were not meant for. I've known men who were so afraid of failure that they would not make the first move even when they needed to. In my opinion, women can sense this, and it becomes incredibly tough for us to back up and wait because we want to "fix" the situation. (Bad idea). If women chase after men... They'll run. The better man they are, the faster they'll run. But women, on the other hand often have tremendous power that they don't use correctly.
It was once explained to me, that a man will "move out of the way" for a woman so that she can have what she wants and needs. This is a big part of the way that he "lays down his life" for her. But many times, this is all mistaken for lack of interest, or "he doesn't like me, he doesn't love me"-- that kind of thing. I'm still not sure, how a girl tells the difference between him giving her freedom, and really being not that in to her. For that matter, how long does a girl wait for a guy to show an interest in her, before she realizes that he won't? I'm not sure. I for one have a deep desire to know the right guy. The last thing I wanna do is be presumptuous and push him away. But like I wrote one day, "I've seen it happen in my life, where I will back up and get out of the way so that a guy can "come into my space" and make a move, and no such thing ever happened. It's my opinion that the guy thought that I didn't like him or he never liked me to begin with. Keep in mind, when I'm talking about me backing up... There was no relationship there... Only the hope of one. When I talk about a guy "moving out of her way," that's after a relationship has been established and he knows that's a risk he wants to take with her. :)
At times, there is a deep sense of loneliness when we wait patiently for the right one and they never show. This is a frustrating thing, which I will talk much more about in a separate entry. Until then, I recommend the CD series "The Attractive Christian Woman.". by Nancy Liegh DeMoss (Revive Our Hearts.). This explains so much about ladies and gentleman, and how (we) are different from each other... But how those differences are designed to compliment... Not to divide us. BTW...Guys, don't let the title turn you off... There's a lot in there for you as well. I love this series because it talks about how we encourage kids to grow up too quickly, and how this confuses the whole relationship process when someone is an adult. PS... Get ready to delve into scripture because this is the basis or foundation used for what is talked about :). Anyway, until next time...
I wanna say, guys... Tell her. If you don't have any romantic intentions with her, tell her-- especially if giving your phone number is involved! This is generally the most obvious evidence that you ARE interested in her. You gave her your number, you want her to call you right? Duh! Only, in this case it wasn't that way at all. If you do have intentions with her... Tell her! Hang around her for a while so you guys can form a friendship (first). This way, she won't feel like you're only trying to pick up on her.
I really do believe that women (no matter how they act) really do want the guy to be the one to make the first move. They want him to lead. They want him to be in control so that they feel safe. They want a man... Not a little boy. But our society makes men feminine and women masculine. Our society teaches that women have to do it all because men are idiots who can't do anything right. And I think more and more men have believed the lie. In my opinion, men seem to step aside and "wait" for women to handle everything because they are by nature, into their own agendas, and letting women handle everything allows them to stay there, and also because, this way, they get to avoid failure. But there is no "conquering" in this... No victory. A bizarre and frustrating result to this, is that women are often forced to take a leadership position that they were not meant for. I've known men who were so afraid of failure that they would not make the first move even when they needed to. In my opinion, women can sense this, and it becomes incredibly tough for us to back up and wait because we want to "fix" the situation. (Bad idea). If women chase after men... They'll run. The better man they are, the faster they'll run. But women, on the other hand often have tremendous power that they don't use correctly.
It was once explained to me, that a man will "move out of the way" for a woman so that she can have what she wants and needs. This is a big part of the way that he "lays down his life" for her. But many times, this is all mistaken for lack of interest, or "he doesn't like me, he doesn't love me"-- that kind of thing. I'm still not sure, how a girl tells the difference between him giving her freedom, and really being not that in to her. For that matter, how long does a girl wait for a guy to show an interest in her, before she realizes that he won't? I'm not sure. I for one have a deep desire to know the right guy. The last thing I wanna do is be presumptuous and push him away. But like I wrote one day, "I've seen it happen in my life, where I will back up and get out of the way so that a guy can "come into my space" and make a move, and no such thing ever happened. It's my opinion that the guy thought that I didn't like him or he never liked me to begin with. Keep in mind, when I'm talking about me backing up... There was no relationship there... Only the hope of one. When I talk about a guy "moving out of her way," that's after a relationship has been established and he knows that's a risk he wants to take with her. :)
At times, there is a deep sense of loneliness when we wait patiently for the right one and they never show. This is a frustrating thing, which I will talk much more about in a separate entry. Until then, I recommend the CD series "The Attractive Christian Woman.". by Nancy Liegh DeMoss (Revive Our Hearts.). This explains so much about ladies and gentleman, and how (we) are different from each other... But how those differences are designed to compliment... Not to divide us. BTW...Guys, don't let the title turn you off... There's a lot in there for you as well. I love this series because it talks about how we encourage kids to grow up too quickly, and how this confuses the whole relationship process when someone is an adult. PS... Get ready to delve into scripture because this is the basis or foundation used for what is talked about :). Anyway, until next time...
Thursday, November 1, 2012
ONE
I've found it interesting that people who are autistic or have Asperger's Syndrome have such strong desires to be in romantic relationships. I know I have dreamt about this, since I was a child... And in those dreams, all my loyalty went to one person. Anyway, I find this interesting because the word autism means "self," or "one". Like an automobile is driven by one person.
Perhaps it would be so much simpler for those with Autism, if we all could say we were content to be single, and then leave it at that. :). But I wonder if an Autistic's desire to be in a relationship is not much stronger even than someone who's neuro typical. How can this be when people with Autism are so ... Into themselves? Now, you know I'm gonna answer my own question, right? I always do. Please know, that when I say "into themselves" I do not mean selfish and conceited and uncaring. I mean, needing to be alone so much...usually just to process our own thoughts. At least, I know I need this myself. Needing to do things at our own pace. Getting so deeply involved in something that we shut out other things and other people. Seeing the world through the filter if you will, of our own experiences.
The thing is, EVERYBODY see's the world through the filter of their own experience. So, what makes autism different? Some might say that I'm not qualified to answer, since I am only self diagnosed. Okay. But what if I gave it a shot anyway? Now, I'm not gonna try and define Autism for anyone because I think I would then feel like my head were going to explode. In other words, it's too complicated! But, I'd like to take a guess at why an Autistic mind works differently, and what gives most of us such a strong desire for relationships.
I think idea's are like puzzle's put together. In my opinion, those who are Autistic sort of process their thoughts like puzzles already put together that all tell a complete story. But each idea goes into their mind like a puzzle already completed. I think an Autistic person sees the beginning and the end result of things at the same time...hence the completed puzzle. But here's the thing: Autistic people are unable to really tell HOW the puzzle was pieced together step by step...because it's already been done. Someone telling an Autistic person HOW that puzzle was put together does not help because that only shows an Autistic person that someone ELSE can work through and process that idea... Not them. I feel that the way Autistic people process information piece by piece is to take the "puzzle" (idea) apart, and then piece it back together themselves, so they have now had the same experience as others around them... But in their own way. I think Autistics must go through this process of tearing down and rebuilding both with their own ideas and with the ideas and thoughts of others.
Now, I think neuro typical people are different, because their thoughts and ideas can be processed several "pieces" at once, but they can put those "pieces" together as they go, without needing to see what they "connect" to, and without needing to "take apart and rebuild" first. And because a neuro typical's thoughts don't need to be taken apart and then rebuilt, others can also "see" where the "pieces" are being put together at the same time... Because their thought process is working the same way (several "pieces" at a time)being put together immediately...even though other people might be "working on" (thinking about) completely different puzzles! I think it's sorta like playing mental "hopscotch" all the time...which you can do if you can handle jumping in and out of all the "boxes." (just think of each "box" as being filled with the puzzle pieces). Say each "box" is somebody's mind... And the puzzle pieces all their "ideas."
Autistic people often can't move freely into other people's "boxes" because it's so hard for them to leave their own (mind). They are constantly having to take apart and rebuild so that all the puzzles make sense! I believe autistic people try desperately to empathize with others... But they can't get all these damn "puzzles" pieced together, and so their just isn't the room for anything else! Doesn't mean they don't have the desire. AND, it doesn't mean they don't have the ABILITY to love and feel empathy and even receive empathy. They do, but it's quite challenging because all these things often must take a back seat to their "mental puzzles.". Maybe this is why Autistic people are sometimes like the Grinch: They "puzzle" until their puzzler is sore! :). I know I do! This process never stops... And it is EXHAUSTING!! This might be why Autistic people are irritable and easily upset. I think this is also why Autistics are so much in their own little world. Their trying to straighten up a "mess" going on in their mind... That never really is cleaned up. But those who are Autistic often don't have the luxury of "leaving" the mess and going on to something else. They CAN do this... But it takes a great deal more effort on their part to "separate" all the broken pieces from the minute by minute events that keep coming in.
I believe that people with Autism feel emotions so strongly, that they can actually feel physical pain. Sometimes, when emotions grip them, they can be reduced to silence... Unable to voice anything because the feeling has seemed to paralyze them. Autistic people often can't look people directly in the eye because of the intensity. Emotion's also have to be processed, and it seems to me after much reading and listening to autistic people talk about themselves, that the autistic brain, and those with Asperger's syndrome, look for things to block out, simply as a way to cope with everyday life. In other words, this is not intentional, and not personal towards anyone around them generally.
Neuro Typical's, or those who are not Autistic, can process several pieces of info. at a time and switch gears easily. Perhaps, since these tasks don't seem to take as much energy from a neoro typical brain, this makes it easier for neuro typicals to compute body language and innuendoes, or meanings which are not verbally expressed. Now, I am NOT a doctor. This is all my own opinion. On the upside, Autistic people and those with Asperger's Syndrome are some of the most loyal on earth! This could be partially due to the deep loneliness that can come from feeling so out of step with most people. This isolation can drive those who are Autistic to work harder for the connections that they do have. Personally, this deep loyalty to me is a huge plus.
I believe that this loyalty is what can drive an Autistic person to dream about a romantic relationship for so long in the first place. Autistic people tend to fall in love quickly and deeply. The fact that it can be so difficult to find relationships in the first place, makes Autistic individuals highly devoted to those they are with. The downside is that it can be very difficult for an Autistic person to recover when relationships do not work out. Romantic relationships can often seem like major answers to prayer for many Autistics because the strange dynamic in Autism is that the Autistic adult knows they cannot survive completely alone, but the usual demands of interacting with many people (particularly for the single adult) can be very overwhelming. There is an expectation put on single adults in our society that the "freedom" of being single means a lot of friend's and a lot of activity. The Autistic person can have both in their lives, but this does not mean that they are necessarily comfortable with either.
Autistics often seek refuge where they can be alone, away from excess noise (both verbal and non-verbal). But sometimes this solitude can be counter-productive because it becomes overkill. An Autistic person can become so involved in wherever their one track mind is taking them, that they can be unaware of any warning signs that they need to switch gears. Contact with groups can be too intimidating, but having that one person that they can really trust in their life can help ease the loneliness, while taking away the intimidation of too much going on at once. I believe that this is the kind of intimate connection that Autistic people in particular long for. They don't want to be alone, but don't want to be pulled in a million directions at once. Oh, if life were only that simple, right? This is why Autistics (both men and women) often have many fantasies about romantic relationships. These "fantasies" make the harsh realities of a person looking in from the outside easier to handle... But oftentimes the boundary lines between reality and fantasy become blurred and many Autistics are faced with the harsh truth that romantic relationships are intense and frightening because they are very emotional with many unknowns.
The black and white thinking of an Autistic individual makes it much simpler for them to be faithful to just one person. (Ladies, what could be better than that?). Often, what an Autistic individual is looking for is that one person that they can be more personable with than any other. The Loyalty they give out, is what they expect to be given back, and they feel a debilitating level of betrayal when this does not happen. This mind set can be particularly "alien" if many of your friends casually date, or have had several relationships (when often the Autistic person waits ages for just one.). Often, the Autistic's dream is to simply let that that one person into their world so that they can have someone to share it with. This thinking is much easier than the rise and fall avalanche of crumbling relationships and scraping their heart off the floor to try and begin a new one. I've heard it said that if a man is going to "crash his boat" in order to risk having a relationship in the first place he needs to feel safe (doing it). Often, with Autistics (especially) they wanna prevent the boat from crashing in the first place. They learn that when you get too close to people you get hurt. The upside, is that when you get close enough to the right person you can have the most awesome relationship in the world! :)
Perhaps it would be so much simpler for those with Autism, if we all could say we were content to be single, and then leave it at that. :). But I wonder if an Autistic's desire to be in a relationship is not much stronger even than someone who's neuro typical. How can this be when people with Autism are so ... Into themselves? Now, you know I'm gonna answer my own question, right? I always do. Please know, that when I say "into themselves" I do not mean selfish and conceited and uncaring. I mean, needing to be alone so much...usually just to process our own thoughts. At least, I know I need this myself. Needing to do things at our own pace. Getting so deeply involved in something that we shut out other things and other people. Seeing the world through the filter if you will, of our own experiences.
The thing is, EVERYBODY see's the world through the filter of their own experience. So, what makes autism different? Some might say that I'm not qualified to answer, since I am only self diagnosed. Okay. But what if I gave it a shot anyway? Now, I'm not gonna try and define Autism for anyone because I think I would then feel like my head were going to explode. In other words, it's too complicated! But, I'd like to take a guess at why an Autistic mind works differently, and what gives most of us such a strong desire for relationships.
I think idea's are like puzzle's put together. In my opinion, those who are Autistic sort of process their thoughts like puzzles already put together that all tell a complete story. But each idea goes into their mind like a puzzle already completed. I think an Autistic person sees the beginning and the end result of things at the same time...hence the completed puzzle. But here's the thing: Autistic people are unable to really tell HOW the puzzle was pieced together step by step...because it's already been done. Someone telling an Autistic person HOW that puzzle was put together does not help because that only shows an Autistic person that someone ELSE can work through and process that idea... Not them. I feel that the way Autistic people process information piece by piece is to take the "puzzle" (idea) apart, and then piece it back together themselves, so they have now had the same experience as others around them... But in their own way. I think Autistics must go through this process of tearing down and rebuilding both with their own ideas and with the ideas and thoughts of others.
Now, I think neuro typical people are different, because their thoughts and ideas can be processed several "pieces" at once, but they can put those "pieces" together as they go, without needing to see what they "connect" to, and without needing to "take apart and rebuild" first. And because a neuro typical's thoughts don't need to be taken apart and then rebuilt, others can also "see" where the "pieces" are being put together at the same time... Because their thought process is working the same way (several "pieces" at a time)being put together immediately...even though other people might be "working on" (thinking about) completely different puzzles! I think it's sorta like playing mental "hopscotch" all the time...which you can do if you can handle jumping in and out of all the "boxes." (just think of each "box" as being filled with the puzzle pieces). Say each "box" is somebody's mind... And the puzzle pieces all their "ideas."
Autistic people often can't move freely into other people's "boxes" because it's so hard for them to leave their own (mind). They are constantly having to take apart and rebuild so that all the puzzles make sense! I believe autistic people try desperately to empathize with others... But they can't get all these damn "puzzles" pieced together, and so their just isn't the room for anything else! Doesn't mean they don't have the desire. AND, it doesn't mean they don't have the ABILITY to love and feel empathy and even receive empathy. They do, but it's quite challenging because all these things often must take a back seat to their "mental puzzles.". Maybe this is why Autistic people are sometimes like the Grinch: They "puzzle" until their puzzler is sore! :). I know I do! This process never stops... And it is EXHAUSTING!! This might be why Autistic people are irritable and easily upset. I think this is also why Autistics are so much in their own little world. Their trying to straighten up a "mess" going on in their mind... That never really is cleaned up. But those who are Autistic often don't have the luxury of "leaving" the mess and going on to something else. They CAN do this... But it takes a great deal more effort on their part to "separate" all the broken pieces from the minute by minute events that keep coming in.
I believe that people with Autism feel emotions so strongly, that they can actually feel physical pain. Sometimes, when emotions grip them, they can be reduced to silence... Unable to voice anything because the feeling has seemed to paralyze them. Autistic people often can't look people directly in the eye because of the intensity. Emotion's also have to be processed, and it seems to me after much reading and listening to autistic people talk about themselves, that the autistic brain, and those with Asperger's syndrome, look for things to block out, simply as a way to cope with everyday life. In other words, this is not intentional, and not personal towards anyone around them generally.
Neuro Typical's, or those who are not Autistic, can process several pieces of info. at a time and switch gears easily. Perhaps, since these tasks don't seem to take as much energy from a neoro typical brain, this makes it easier for neuro typicals to compute body language and innuendoes, or meanings which are not verbally expressed. Now, I am NOT a doctor. This is all my own opinion. On the upside, Autistic people and those with Asperger's Syndrome are some of the most loyal on earth! This could be partially due to the deep loneliness that can come from feeling so out of step with most people. This isolation can drive those who are Autistic to work harder for the connections that they do have. Personally, this deep loyalty to me is a huge plus.
I believe that this loyalty is what can drive an Autistic person to dream about a romantic relationship for so long in the first place. Autistic people tend to fall in love quickly and deeply. The fact that it can be so difficult to find relationships in the first place, makes Autistic individuals highly devoted to those they are with. The downside is that it can be very difficult for an Autistic person to recover when relationships do not work out. Romantic relationships can often seem like major answers to prayer for many Autistics because the strange dynamic in Autism is that the Autistic adult knows they cannot survive completely alone, but the usual demands of interacting with many people (particularly for the single adult) can be very overwhelming. There is an expectation put on single adults in our society that the "freedom" of being single means a lot of friend's and a lot of activity. The Autistic person can have both in their lives, but this does not mean that they are necessarily comfortable with either.
Autistics often seek refuge where they can be alone, away from excess noise (both verbal and non-verbal). But sometimes this solitude can be counter-productive because it becomes overkill. An Autistic person can become so involved in wherever their one track mind is taking them, that they can be unaware of any warning signs that they need to switch gears. Contact with groups can be too intimidating, but having that one person that they can really trust in their life can help ease the loneliness, while taking away the intimidation of too much going on at once. I believe that this is the kind of intimate connection that Autistic people in particular long for. They don't want to be alone, but don't want to be pulled in a million directions at once. Oh, if life were only that simple, right? This is why Autistics (both men and women) often have many fantasies about romantic relationships. These "fantasies" make the harsh realities of a person looking in from the outside easier to handle... But oftentimes the boundary lines between reality and fantasy become blurred and many Autistics are faced with the harsh truth that romantic relationships are intense and frightening because they are very emotional with many unknowns.
The black and white thinking of an Autistic individual makes it much simpler for them to be faithful to just one person. (Ladies, what could be better than that?). Often, what an Autistic individual is looking for is that one person that they can be more personable with than any other. The Loyalty they give out, is what they expect to be given back, and they feel a debilitating level of betrayal when this does not happen. This mind set can be particularly "alien" if many of your friends casually date, or have had several relationships (when often the Autistic person waits ages for just one.). Often, the Autistic's dream is to simply let that that one person into their world so that they can have someone to share it with. This thinking is much easier than the rise and fall avalanche of crumbling relationships and scraping their heart off the floor to try and begin a new one. I've heard it said that if a man is going to "crash his boat" in order to risk having a relationship in the first place he needs to feel safe (doing it). Often, with Autistics (especially) they wanna prevent the boat from crashing in the first place. They learn that when you get too close to people you get hurt. The upside, is that when you get close enough to the right person you can have the most awesome relationship in the world! :)
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