Be Careful

I'd friended someone on Facebook because this person seemed to know a lot abbot something I found useful. One night, suddenly, he began conversing with me rather casually, like he'd known me his whole life. I didn't sense that he had any bad intentions, but I think that is exactly what made me nervous. Being that this person is an Aspie, the rather informal conversation didn't really surprise me... But I was still creeped out. I decided to be sensitive and give him a chance. He'd read my recent blog entry, which was fine. But looking back, I realize that he was very non specific about the things that he was asking me about. I'm deliberately not being specific right now, because the actual conversation doesn't need to be disclosed, and my purpose of this is not to tattle (as it were) on anyone. I found myself thinking "Don't you know that I be barely know you?". But I realized that this is part of that personal space that Aspies often are unaware that we need. I found it more creepy, when he told me (in one short sentence) that he had moved where I live. (Yikes!). My very first thought was "Why are you telling me that?"

Was he innocently trying to begin conversation with me, or was he some creepy stalker? I didn't want to say anymore, so I got off Facebook, and soon forgot the incident. Nothing major happened for a long time. Recently, I saw that this person had added me to the group I was interested in (fine). In fact, I was excited, now other people could respond to things I had to say, and I could learn some cool stuff. So, he welcomed me to the group blah, blah blah... Yeah, okay cool. Then I noticed he'd responded to a couple things on my page, which in itself, isn't bad... But he'd never done that before. So, the following day, There's this post that's one line, that says: "Message me when you get this." (Or something like that.). He'd also left me a message saying the same thing. And the message he sent me said something about "Hope I didn't creep you out," or something to that affect. Now I had NO IDEA what he meant (???). Why would he creep me out? Why would he THINK he'd creeped me out? So, I messaged him, and simply asked him, WHAT was so important? Why did he want me to message him so badly?

Now, I have to admit, I thought (I had thought for a long time) that it was possible that this guy may have begun to like me. I figured maybe his extreme excitement coupled with a lack of social skills might've caused him to panic, and that might've made him overbearing in his approach. I figured THEN he was probably worried about whether he'd said too much. I thought that THIS was where the sentence about being "creeped out" came from. But I was wrong. He asked me AGAIN whether or not I would call him. I asked him straight up: "Are you trying to ask me out because I'm really confused.". If he'd said "Yes," then it all would have made sense. But he didn't. He said "No," with a sad face.

I was totally dumbfounded... And angry! What the hell was going on here?? Again, I leveled with him. I told him that I did not know him' and that if I couldn't even know why I should call him, that made me nervous. (to me, it was like "Duh!". But this guy didn't get that.). I gave him one last chance: "Why can't you just tell me what this is about?" I asked. He then proceeded to go into a story about a relative... a story that needed to involve the police... Not me (!!). I told him as much, too. No severe danger or anything like that, just a matter that needed to be settled with the people involved, and perhaps the police... But certainly not some girl you've never met before! All of the sudden, I felt like I needed to be this guy's parent. I told him that this was highly inappropriate and that he had officially creeped me out. I said, you don't message people you've never met and tell them things like that. I said I don't even know your first name. Now, it was obvious at this point, that I was unfriending him, and leaving that group! But somehow, I needed to tell him that what he did was wrong (!!!). He could sense it, too. He apologized several times. Then he said the most dangerous thing of all... He said that I was the only person he knew there and that he wasn't very familiar with the area.

Needless to say, I left that group and immediately unfriended this person.


Now, this has me thinking a lot about boundaries. I could see so clearly that this guy did not have a "guard" in place that let him know that it wasn't good to be telling me all those things. Did not surprise me. The last thing he said to me before I cut him off was that we are both Aspies, and you know how they ramble on. Yes I do. But you can ramble on to someone without scaring them to death! Anyway, this made me think of some things to keep in mind.

When we learned to drive, we're taught that we need to drive defensively...in other words, never take for granted that other people know what you're thinking. Aspie's romanticize a lot, and sometimes they "role play" or imagine what they would want to say if a person were really there. They then dwell on what they have imagined....Sometimes, by the time they get around to actually talking to the person, they don't realize that this person has not "imagined" all those same things they imagined. This person can't relate to this sense of closeness that the other person has now built up in their mind. Aspies tend to think about things, the way they want them to end up... But forget that the other person doesn't know what they've been thinking about. They then speak to this person as though their end result has already taken place. They don't realize that this person has no clue what they are talking about. Aspie's often imagine an outcome with another person. This makes them feel like they're "with" that person, and they then begin to ramble on to this person as though they really were with them, and they know what they are thinking. They don't.

Now, that guy may know he has good intentions, and he may know he'd never hurt me... But I DO NOT know that! I don't know this guy! He could be a serial killer who wants to find his way to my house, for all I know! Maybe that's the "real" reason he was mentioning "locations" to me... I mean, how do I know?? There's no way I'm gonna trust someone that easily! Always remember that you don't know what the other person's true intentions are if you've only just met them. This does not mean, be unkind to them. It means there are many things you should not express to them at this time because it's not appropriate. People are not nearly as well-intentioned as we'd like to think (sometimes). Be careful. I think many times, Aspie's confuse being kind and outgoing with telling someone personal stories. They take for granted that this person is their "friend" and then begin to try and become "closer" to them by telling them more "too personal" information. Nope... This is not how it works...in fact, this can be quite dangerous.

1. Take it easy. If you begin conversing online with someone, DO NOT make them feel like something's urgent. This will scare them. It will not make them feel comfortable talking to you.

2. Plainly state your reason for messaging them/speaking to them, and ask them if that's okay. If you have never met them before, ASK them if you can introduce yourself to them. Yes. This is not unnecessary or stupid. This shows that you are aware that that you've never met them before and you realize that you need to earn the privlidge of being in their space.

3. Never give personal contact information to someone you do not know. Actually, this needs to be number one. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS PERSON WILL DO WITH THAT INFORMATION!

4. NEVER DISCUSS WHERE YOU LIVE WITH SOMEONE YOU DO NOT KNOW!! Beyond the name of your town, there should be no hint as to where your residence is!! If you're the one who started the conversation, do not ask this person for specific locations in their town. Think of it this way: if someone means you harm, they are not going to let you know that... so you can figure it out! They're going to get information from you, without you even knowing what's going on...unless you recognize what's happening.

5. Don't insist on someone calling you and then not tell them why. First of all, you don't know the person. Second of all, this makes you look desperate, and that person has every right to be scared of you. Thirdly, it's just plain creepy! Fourth, how does that person know that you don't mean them any harm? They don't!

5. Guys, if you're speaking to a female that you have no intentions with, DO NOT make it seem like you're trying to ask her out. (However poor the attempt). When you say to a girl that you REALLY want her to call you... This means that you're attracted to her, and you want to ask her out... Period. If you don't want to do that, don't insist on having her number! Ladies if he insists on having your number and seems to push you to give it to him, get away from him! He's not the right kind of guy. The right kind of guy will slowly, gently get to know you first, and then give you the OPTION of calling him if you would like to. He won't shove it down your throat and insist on it!

On a very personal note...ladies, use your instinct. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is not always the best thing. My mother has always taught me this:

"Go with your gut. If you think something's wrong, then there probably is."

Be careful.