ONE

I've found it interesting that people who are autistic or have Asperger's Syndrome have such strong desires to be in romantic relationships. I know I have dreamt about this, since I was a child... And in those dreams, all my loyalty went to one person. Anyway, I find this interesting because the word autism means "self," or "one". Like an automobile is driven by one person.

Perhaps it would be so much simpler for those with Autism, if we all could say we were content to be single, and then leave it at that. :). But I wonder if an Autistic's desire to be in a relationship is not much stronger even than someone who's neuro typical. How can this be when people with Autism are so ... Into themselves? Now, you know I'm gonna answer my own question, right? I always do. Please know, that when I say "into themselves" I do not mean selfish and conceited and uncaring. I mean, needing to be alone so much...usually just to process our own thoughts. At least, I know I need this myself. Needing to do things at our own pace. Getting so deeply involved in something that we shut out other things and other people. Seeing the world through the filter if you will, of our own experiences.

The thing is, EVERYBODY see's the world through the filter of their own experience. So, what makes autism different? Some might say that I'm not qualified to answer, since I am only self diagnosed. Okay. But what if I gave it a shot anyway? Now, I'm not gonna try and define Autism for anyone because I think I would then feel like my head were going to explode. In other words, it's too complicated! But, I'd like to take a guess at why an Autistic mind works differently, and what gives most of us such a strong desire for relationships.

I think idea's are like puzzle's put together. In my opinion, those who are Autistic sort of process their thoughts like puzzles already put together that all tell a complete story. But each idea goes into their mind like a puzzle already completed. I think an Autistic person sees the beginning and the end result of things at the same time...hence the completed puzzle. But here's the thing: Autistic people are unable to really tell HOW the puzzle was pieced together step by step...because it's already been done. Someone telling an Autistic person HOW that puzzle was put together does not help because that only shows an Autistic person that someone ELSE can work through and process that idea... Not them. I feel that the way Autistic people process information piece by piece is to take the "puzzle" (idea) apart, and then piece it back together themselves, so they have now had the same experience as others around them... But in their own way. I think Autistics must go through this process of tearing down and rebuilding both with their own ideas and with the ideas and thoughts of others.

Now, I think neuro typical people are different, because their thoughts and ideas can be processed several "pieces" at once, but they can put those "pieces" together as they go, without needing to see what they "connect" to, and without needing to "take apart and rebuild" first. And because a neuro typical's thoughts don't need to be taken apart and then rebuilt, others can also "see" where the "pieces" are being put together at the same time... Because their thought process is working the same way (several "pieces" at a time)being put together immediately...even though other people might be "working on" (thinking about) completely different puzzles! I think it's sorta like playing mental "hopscotch" all the time...which you can do if you can handle jumping in and out of all the "boxes." (just think of each "box" as being filled with the puzzle pieces). Say each "box" is somebody's mind... And the puzzle pieces all their "ideas."

Autistic people often can't move freely into other people's "boxes" because it's so hard for them to leave their own (mind). They are constantly having to take apart and rebuild so that all the puzzles make sense! I believe autistic people try desperately to empathize with others... But they can't get all these damn "puzzles" pieced together, and so their just isn't the room for anything else! Doesn't mean they don't have the desire. AND, it doesn't mean they don't have the ABILITY to love and feel empathy and even receive empathy. They do, but it's quite challenging because all these things often must take a back seat to their "mental puzzles.". Maybe this is why Autistic people are sometimes like the Grinch: They "puzzle" until their puzzler is sore! :). I know I do! This process never stops... And it is EXHAUSTING!! This might be why Autistic people are irritable and easily upset. I think this is also why Autistics are so much in their own little world. Their trying to straighten up a "mess" going on in their mind... That never really is cleaned up. But those who are Autistic often don't have the luxury of "leaving" the mess and going on to something else. They CAN do this... But it takes a great deal more effort on their part to "separate" all the broken pieces from the minute by minute events that keep coming in.

I believe that people with Autism feel emotions so strongly, that they can actually feel physical pain. Sometimes, when emotions grip them, they can be reduced to silence... Unable to voice anything because the feeling has seemed to paralyze them. Autistic people often can't look people directly in the eye because of the intensity. Emotion's also have to be processed, and it seems to me after much reading and listening to autistic people talk about themselves, that the autistic brain, and those with Asperger's syndrome, look for things to block out, simply as a way to cope with everyday life. In other words, this is not intentional, and not personal towards anyone around them generally.

Neuro Typical's, or those who are not Autistic, can process several pieces of info. at a time and switch gears easily. Perhaps, since these tasks don't seem to take as much energy from a neoro typical brain, this makes it easier for neuro typicals to compute body language and innuendoes, or meanings which are not verbally expressed. Now, I am NOT a doctor. This is all my own opinion. On the upside, Autistic people and those with Asperger's Syndrome are some of the most loyal on earth! This could be partially due to the deep loneliness that can come from feeling so out of step with most people. This isolation can drive those who are Autistic to work harder for the connections that they do have. Personally, this deep loyalty to me is a huge plus.

I believe that this loyalty is what can drive an Autistic person to dream about a romantic relationship for so long in the first place. Autistic people tend to fall in love quickly and deeply. The fact that it can be so difficult to find relationships in the first place, makes Autistic individuals highly devoted to those they are with. The downside is that it can be very difficult for an Autistic person to recover when relationships do not work out. Romantic relationships can often seem like major answers to prayer for many Autistics because the strange dynamic in Autism is that the Autistic adult knows they cannot survive completely alone, but the usual demands of interacting with many people (particularly for the single adult) can be very overwhelming. There is an expectation put on single adults in our society that the "freedom" of being single means a lot of friend's and a lot of activity. The Autistic person can have both in their lives, but this does not mean that they are necessarily comfortable with either.

Autistics often seek refuge where they can be alone, away from excess noise (both verbal and non-verbal). But sometimes this solitude can be counter-productive because it becomes overkill. An Autistic person can become so involved in wherever their one track mind is taking them, that they can be unaware of any warning signs that they need to switch gears. Contact with groups can be too intimidating, but having that one person that they can really trust in their life can help ease the loneliness, while taking away the intimidation of too much going on at once. I believe that this is the kind of intimate connection that Autistic people in particular long for. They don't want to be alone, but don't want to be pulled in a million directions at once. Oh, if life were only that simple, right? This is why Autistics (both men and women) often have many fantasies about romantic relationships. These "fantasies" make the harsh realities of a person looking in from the outside easier to handle... But oftentimes the boundary lines between reality and fantasy become blurred and many Autistics are faced with the harsh truth that romantic relationships are intense and frightening because they are very emotional with many unknowns.

The black and white thinking of an Autistic individual makes it much simpler for them to be faithful to just one person. (Ladies, what could be better than that?). Often, what an Autistic individual is looking for is that one person that they can be more personable with than any other. The Loyalty they give out, is what they expect to be given back, and they feel a debilitating level of betrayal when this does not happen. This mind set can be particularly "alien" if many of your friends casually date, or have had several relationships (when often the Autistic person waits ages for just one.). Often, the Autistic's dream is to simply let that that one person into their world so that they can have someone to share it with. This thinking is much easier than the rise and fall avalanche of crumbling relationships and scraping their heart off the floor to try and begin a new one. I've heard it said that if a man is going to "crash his boat" in order to risk having a relationship in the first place he needs to feel safe (doing it). Often, with Autistics (especially) they wanna prevent the boat from crashing in the first place. They learn that when you get too close to people you get hurt. The upside, is that when you get close enough to the right person you can have the most awesome relationship in the world! :)