You Know, it Aint All about You

I do not like to be left out of things.

It's crazy because even if the event in question is something that I would not care for, when I hear all the details after the fact, I clench my teeth and burn with jealousy because... I wasn't there. I was not able to share in all the happenings, so I have no idea how to be excited about what happened because I did not experience the event. In most cases I dearly wish I could've.

I hate being the kind of person who is too focused on herself to care about what happens to anyone else. I honestly do care when something wonderful happens to those I care about, but it's very hard for me to be excited for the other person when I did not experience the event myself. It's like there's a blank slate there. I have nothing to fill it in with. I spend a lot of time kicking myself because I can't seem to just care about people because they're happy. Why isn't this enough? It isn't that I don't care, but I would care so much more if I'd had the same experience. But this is just classic selfishness, right? What if it isn't? What if there's something else going on there? I mean, why do I find it so difficult to be happy for someone else? Hmmmm... I remember watching shows about people who are compulsively neat. Part of their therapy would be to disorganize one thing...and leave it that way; dump something on the floor and leave it there. Leave some laundry unfolded, something like that. So how does something like this apply to empathy.

If a person doesn't get their empathy from an experience then where can they get it from? How are you truly happy for someone else when the experience has nothing to do with you? These are not rhetorical questions....I'm really not sure. I think I would have such an easier time if I did get this. Less exhausting. Less comparisons with others. Not to mention less feeling sorry for myself. It's a difficult thing when you tend to see everything through the lens of what is not. I heard a guy on You Tube talking about this just the other night. He was talking about AS and HFA, and the way that those who have these ways of thinking see things from the perspective of what isn't. They struggle with being afraid that they will not be smart enough for that class, or that job, or being afraid that someone won't like them.

I think the trouble is explaining this to a neuro typical person. How do you explain that it isn't that easy to just turn things around in your head and be positive. It's definitely possible...but it's like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking..it's really hard! A lot of times, even I don't understand why this happens. I'll just feel awful about something, and rant and rave cause the only thing that curbs the energy is the sound of my own voice self righteously complaining. What the Heck?? Can a brain be wired to do such a thing? Sounds like someone just full of excuses, right? Weird.

I know that when Christ is in us, we can be for others, what we would like for ourselves. Nobody's perfect but I must've missed something because I find myself still looking inward...but if there's nothing there for me to relate to others with, then what?