Frazzled

Are people with AS or Autism, just generally angry all the time? This certainly applies to me! Of course it could be a lot of other things too... I just wonder if AS or Autism has anything to do with it. By the way, this is an angry post today, so look out. Things have been so hectic around here lately. Maybe they wouldn't be for someone else.... But they are for me. I'd rather not get into why. That's not necessary. Suffice it to say that it gets difficult sometimes for me to even remember to wash the dishes anymore.

It's crazy. I'm not particularly busy even... I just can't concentrate on anything. Can't get any quiet. I try to write, I can't hear myself think. Sometimes I don't know why I bother helping people, because for every one thing that goes right, about ten go wrong. I'm always misunderstanding things, and somebody goes "Oh, I thought I told you." (you probably DID tell me... I just don't remember nothin'). Just so tired of everything getting screwed up and I don't even know about it till it's already happened. Then I have to find a way to make sure I don't have a meltdown or something. I just need some friggin QUIET!!I try to do something, I just end up screwing it up. I'm outta money for the month & my bank is charging me overdraft fees. I don't mean to be so damn angry all the time, but I am. Sometimes I don't know how to look on the bright side of things. I try to, but I think "What bright side?". This is awful! I mean, who wants to be around somebody like that?

I just feel like saying "F" you to the whole world! I'd use the word, but I DID calm down a bit before I started writing this. And you know what else I hate? Always being known as the good girl! Trying to talk about how much angst I have, but never being as sarcastic as others around me so they don't believe me. Feeling like I'm so angry I could break something or hit something. (I won't do that... I'm not stupid. Then I'd just be in piercing pain too.). Yes, I could really use some counseling, but I can't afford any. I keep reading about things we can do (or take) to help ourselves feel better without drugs...I can't afford any of them. They are too expensive. Maybe if I felt better physically, I wouldn't be such a mess emotionally. There are many things that would help me alright, but I can't afford any of them. I feel like all I do is look for answers I can't actually turn into results and I just get depressed. This is why I talk about fairy tales and castles and actors and all that crap, because it makes things feel not so bad... Takes some of the edge off. I don't get it. There seems to be never any break in suffering. It just goes on and on. I know I sound like Solomon when he wrote Ecclesiastes, but I don't care. He just wanted to know what it all meant too, that's all.

Interesting, and strange. If anyone was intimately close to God, Solomon was... And he still needed to know what it all meant. He'd helped himself to every pleasure and found that there was nothing new under the sun. Well, I don't want to help myself to every pleasure; I just want quiet. I want a bed that doesn't hurt my back. I don't want to feel guilty anymore because I don't drive. It's better that I don't but I HATE it! I hate feeling like I'm a burden to people. No Christian cliche's or corny reassurance is gonna help me now. I hate being glad I don't have much responsibility and then hating myself because this seems not normal. What's the matter with me anyway? I suppose someone could give me that lecture now about only focusing on the bad stuff. Don't bother. One of my motto's is: "Sometimes, you just have to let things suck." (Gee, I guess I better not ever be a motivational speaker!) :). I sure could use something sweet right now... Not that we have anything like that around here. Suddenly, I'm reminded of that song "Passionate Kisses" by Mary Chapin Carpenter. ("Shouldn't I have all of this, and..."). Anyway, good grief! Couldn't somebody put me to sleep for a while so I can wake up when it's over? :). Nope. Awwww, dammit!