Priorities

I once read an article written by a woman whose husband had AS. This lady was talking about difficulty communicating and how it took her a long time to get used to his temperament. She talked about a time when she had to have surgery. After the surgery, her husband was supposed to be there to pick her up and take her home. He wasn't. This woman was out of recovery and ready to go but her husband never showed. With the nurses getting worried for her, they had to have her call her husband while still lying on a gurney, and ask him where he was.

He was still at work, and with anesthetic leaving her quite groggy, his wife had to tell him he needed to pick her up at the hospital. Apparently, this man became quite angry, ranting and raving and making it sound as though his poor wife had done him some huge inconvenience by calling him. He did get to the hospital, but the hostility and anger continued on the drive home. According to the author, she got a silent treatment for the rest of that evening. Her husband did not say a word to her. The next day, this very patient wife who'd recovered all alone the night before, gently tried to probe the issue again. She said that she had let her husband know well in advance that he would need to be there to get her, and that she simply could not understand why he'd become so upset.

It was at this time that her husband finally admitted to her that he'd never been able to bring himself to ask his boss for the time off. (!!!!). He said he knew that she needed him but was too afraid that his boss would be disappointed in him if he just left work. Now I admit, I was infuriated with this guy when I read the story. I was thinking "I don't care how afraid you were, your wife needed you!". Honestly! Talk about needing someone to lean on, and then having to do everything yourself! Then this woman explained that she had to learn that what her husband actually needed was empathy. She learned that as bad as he felt about disappointing his boss, he was a great deal more upset with himself for having disappointed HER. This empathetic, smart wife, at closer examination of the situation, was able to discern that her husband felt worse than he could say, at having let everyone down... But especially her. He felt too embarrassed (apparently) to even let the mistake show. At this, my heart melted a bit. Poor guy! He'd wanted to make everything perfect for her (I imagine) but was torn at the thought of disappointing his boss.

All of the sudden, I thought " What a conundrum!". What if this person had been me or my dad? Or both?! I'm sure I'd be fuming inside, but then, would I be able to give him empathy later? In all honesty, I would probably be thinking;
"I'm the one who was in the hospital feeling like crap!". Interesting. After having no support, and then being yelled at for disrupting his day and THEN getting a silent treatment, would I then realize that I needed to give him some empathy? Could I read what his heart was really saying? Would I believe it?

This woman (bless her heart) had been shown no empathy at all (granted her husband DID admit what happened...but even that did not come until the next evening). Yet her way of learning to love him better came from showing him the empathy that she needed from him. What a difficult, but wonderful paradox! Being on empty but finding that your ticket to peace of mind is giving out what you don't have? Now, I'm not ignoring the responsibility of her husband. He should've made arrangements to pick her up. But the fear of rejection had apparently "crippled" him. For his wife to spew further anger at him? Technically, she had a right to do this... But she would've caused her husband most likely just shut down further.

I've been told for a long time that the idea of 50/50 in marriage is not as true as most people think. It doesn't really start to be love until you give when it's not fair... And you know you won't get anything back. When this woman wrote of how she learned what her husband was really going through, I was able to see all this in a different way. So, guys, when you're wife is having surgery...make sure you're there to pick her up! :). Ladies, if your husband lashes out, and you're not sure why, as difficult as it is... Try to figure whether something's hurting him... Then, when you've both calmed down, try to let him know you're not angry. Maybe then, you guys can talk... Yeah?