Duh?? But I thought...
I have no way to get from point A to point B. This drives me crazy... Literally. I don't drive. I HATE THAT I DON't drive, it makes me nuts! I just don't know that I should be. Driving scares me to death. Plain and simple. I don't feel that it's normal that driving scares me to death... but it does. It's like my brain doesn't work that fast.
I remember, it was a big deal, way back when I was 12 years old, and I learned to walk to and from school by myself. I remember I was scared to do that too, but I dealt with it. The first time I did it, I became disoriented, and had to turn around and go home. I got to my front door and I was crying because I was embarrass that I couldn't make it all the way there. My mother met me at the door.
"It's okay, honey, I'll drive you. Don't worry you,ll get it!"
Yes, she drove me that morning, and needless to say, I learned my way there and back. In high school, I began learning how to use the bus system where I live, and took the bus everyday to school and back. As I got older, I learned how to take the bus other places, but still felt somehow like my independence was not enough. I would feel so ridiculous because I had friend's who would talk about being able to try and drive when they were twelve...
TWELVE?? This was out of the question for me, someone who was afraid to walk anywhere by herself at that age. In the south, where I have family, it's the norm to start teaching kids to drive at 12 and 13. (they have the backroads to do it. Nod course, we do too where I live in CA; but there was always some excuse as to why it could not be done... and that excuse was insurance, and of course, the cops. Mom said that her insurance would not cover me to drive her car, and besides if a cop pulled us over... what then? As someone in my 30,s now, it makes perfect sense, but back then, all I knew was that most of my friend's were able to learn to drive. I don't know if THEY were on their parents insurance, or what, and then when the time came, someone bought them a car (usually). I did not have this luxury, so I felt stuck.
All through High school I was so frustrated with myself, because I was so petrified of driving. Why? Why was I so afraid to what just seemed to come normally to everyone else around me... even people I knew who had more severe disabilities than I did. I had friend's in wheelchairs who drove. In college, my ASL teacher drove... she was deaf! (ASL means American Sign Language, BTW).
Now, once I was in high school, (I'm going backwards again). I took both drives Ed and behind the wheel driver training (when I was able to get the money somewhere. It was so exciting because I was proud of myself that I got in the car and tried... and SUCCEEDED, BTW.
But I just could not shake the fear and anxiety. I was constantly scared of being hit by another car, or hitting another car. I was scared of hitting and killing a pedestrian. The whole thing just seemed to precarious to me. Too many loud noises, and quick decisions. And, I also encountered an unexpected problem: I could not keep the car in the right place on the road. I would stare at things too long, and start veering and drifting, but the scary thing was that I would not realize I did this, until my instructor would reach over and turn the wheel back in his direction.
"Can you not see that you're doing that?". He would ask. I really couldn't. Until it was almost too late. This freaked me out. Why was that happening to me?? If I was on a main road, at least, I could follow the lane I was supposed to be in...but would still drift over. If I were on a residential street...forget it! There were no lines or marks on the road to tell me where the car should go, and I found myself unable to visualize IF a car is coming from the other way... IF I'm turning, am I turning into the correct lane? Nope, usually, I was turning right in the path of where the car coming the opposite direction should be.
All this, and I had to read street signs, watch for things and people darting into the road...all split second decisions! It was like my brain, literally could not keep up. What a mess. According to most driver training instructors, I should have been ready within about 3 days to go and get my license. All I could think was, "That's a laugh...it takes everything I have just to get in the car and try!"
I even found a driving instructor who specialized in working with disabled adults! This experience had it's positive highlights, but most of the time he just got upset at me because he thought I wasn't listening to him. It's not that I was not listening to him. I don't think I could really process what he was saying because I was always a couple instructions behind what he was saying. There were times that I really didn't do so bad, but part of me would just feel exhausted. I felt like the hour in the car with the instructor was about all I could handle. Besides, what would I do when the instructor was not there anymore?
Okay, I deliberately waited till the end to mention my disabilitie(s). At birth, I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, which turned out to be mild. The truth is that for most of my life, I haven't even known anything about Autism. I only started learning about that last year. The more I researched it, the more I saw that my symptoms matched up what I was reading. This was the first time I realized that Autism can be extremely distracting! Bright lights, loud noises sudden changes... stupid people who don't look or signal! :). And on top of that...hearing things around me, but not always being sure which direction they are coming from. The irony is, I can hear quite well, I have a very musical ear... but when there are a lot of other noises around me... my perception is off.
Not only that, I have trouble telling others how to get from point A to point B because it's like I can't construct it in my mind. I understand landmarks and main streets and where to get off the bus. I'm not the right person to take a trip through "backroads" with. No I DO NOT know whether we can get (there) from (here). I don't even know if I can get (there) from (here) the normal way., because MY normal way is not driving. Today, I'm in my mid thirties, and still do not drive. I actually feel safer that I don't...I think it's just better that way (for me, and probably everybody everyone else on the road) :). But I'm also a single woman, as in not-married-to-an-empathetic-husband-who-understands-that- I-probably-should -not-be-driving.
Now, I think I should add that I have a lot to be proud of, because I've lived away from home, once with a room ate who also didn't drive, and once on my own. I took the bus everywhere and had a community of friend's who knew that I don't drive, and they would help out (if it were night time or something). A dear friend of mine once said to me that I should not forget that all of this is independence too. I agree with her, but I still dread thinking that others will think I'm "less than" because I do not drive. I would imagine, this is probably because I struggle with feeling that way about myself. I've actually been afraid that guys would not want to marry me because I did not drive. Would he look at me as some sort of a "weak link" or something?
This seems complicated when you come from a family of very independent women who seem to just handle everything. Add to that the fact that all your friends your age are driving kids all over the place, and taking care of other adults who don't drive (me included). Something this simple can make it hard sometimes find common ground with people. It's weird sometimes... I'm not afraid of taking trains or planes... I actually spent a semester in England back in 2004 and ironically, found it much easier to live THERE than here. British people don't find it at all unusual if someone does not have a car...in fact, they ENCOURAGE people not to have them! (They don't have the room for all the traffic). Gee, maybe I should live there (??)
Anyway, a person is so much more than whether they drive a car, but, I wonder if that's much easier to say... when you actually do. No kidding, I feel the need to prove myself to people in every other way because I don't drive. I'm just so afraid they'll put me down or not like me. It's like something is "broken" and I can't fix it. I always wonder if anyone else my age goes through this.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
The Flip Side...
Duh?? But I thought... In my quest to find out about Autism, I have heard and read an awful lot about Dr. Andrew Wakefield. I saw Anderson Cooper become quite incensed with him on 360, I 've read posts on many pages that say that what he's doing is ridiculous and cruel, I've read about all the effort that's been taken to prove that his claims are false.
Okay, now let me say two things... Number one, I am not a doctor. Number two, I am only self diagnosed. I have a sincere belief that I have Autism myself and have been researching it like crazy, but I do not have an official medical diagnosis. Now, as I understand it, autism means "One" or "self". The Autistic's brain is "wired" differently than a neuro-typical's. No better or worse... Just different. So, I think the next logical question would be: "What causes these differences?". Right? Many people want to know the answer to this right?
I know this is a hard thing for people to discuss because it seems that their very character is being attacked and Misjudged. The fact that a person's brain processes information in a different way does not mean that this person is sick and needs to be cured. How can anyone speak about 'curing" a person's imagination, or abilities, or creativity? I get that. The thing I don't get, are all the physical limitations and symptoms that come with it, which must be treated somehow, either with medication or counseling or, life coaching, or physical therapy,even. Many of these symptoms and characteristics, I have. Some of them physical, some of them emotional and psychological.
People with Autism can have stemming, flat feet, poor muscle tone, unusual eye movements, gastro intestinal problems, sensory disturbances, anxiety, compulsive behavior, nervousness, Meltdowns, difficulty focusing, concentrating, and a whole other list of issues that can occur as the result of the one's already listed there, such as, say, teeth grinding and migraine headaches. Wow! You guys, I'm exhausted just thinking about all that, and thinking "somebody help!". Add to this, the fact that many times, Autistics are delayed in reaching life's milestones, they often have great difficulty holding down a job or moving away from home, and forming romantic and social relationships. Yikes!
Now, I'm confused because frankly, that seems like a lot of "sickness" for something that cannot be "cured.". I realize that not everything I listed there is a sickness, but on the other hand, a lot of it is...right? So, we devote our lives to treating the 'disabling" symptoms but don't want to believe that there is anything we can do about the (apparent) source??? Forgive me if I'm pissing you off, I apologize, but I don't understand. I've heard so many parents talk about how "heartbreaking" the diagnosis was for them because you don't want to see your child suffer and struggle. Listen, I love the fact, that I have "foreign accent syndrome" and that Most of my friends as a kid were imaginary, and that I still sleep with stuffed animals, and that I still pretend that my life is one big movie with hidden cameras. That's a big way that I deal with weakness in my life. I pretend that I am an actor portraying myself and that any weakness or loss of control in the character's life is there because I (the actor) am portraying the character that way, and this is all part of an academy award wining performance. Would I want to "fix" or "cure" any of that? Nope...certainly not! I'm too proud of it... and why not, I should be, right?
But what about the flip side? What about the debilitating difficulties? What about the fear that says a person will never be normal? Now, NOT being normal is not a bad thing, but lets face it...every Autistic person has that fear... and that freaking "sense of danger, or possible danger.". I've read about this over and over, and I also experience it everyday. Do I want to get rid of it? You bet your ass I want to get rid of that!! I for one, am tired of feeling like I live my life inside this clear "bubble" that allows me to see everything and "roll" through everything that happens in my life...but in the end, I always need a "push" from mommy, or somebody to keep me moving through because I can't actually get out of the "bubble.". I can say what I want, and see it, and know exactly how I want something to be in my mind, but I never seem to actually be able to get out of the perpetual "cacoon" around me. My life seems always lived with some sort of "go between", as in someone more capable than I who is on the outside of the cacoon, helping me carry out the endeavors of my day (and often in ways I'm not satisfied with). But on the other hand, anything that I can bring (into) the "bubble" keeps me busy... good, I feel productive. Here's the thing, there's only room for one thing, maybe two, inside the bubble... and I can't keep rolling because I need to concentrate (!!!)
So everyone outside the bubble, wishes they could get in, and often they are irritated because I don't come out. Listen guys, I can't help the fact that I live in damn "bubble"... but it's there and I've had to learn to 'adapt to it. I can come out of it once in a while for a bit. But I always begin to feel the affects, the fear, the nausea, the feeling that I'm sliding or falling, and I can't stop myself (in my head). I end up running back to the very "bubble" I hate because it's the only thing that "protects me" from all the noise out there. (Yikes!!!). Now, that being said, and keeping in mind that we are not attacking anyone's character here, is it any wonder that there would be some people out there who sincerely believe that the "cause" of all this chaos is out there somewhere? And if there is a cause to all of this...might there be a cure? I'm asking could there be a way to "cure" the bad stuff, while allowing someone to keep all those. AWESOME, positive characteristics that seem to come with being Autistic?
I have a different theory: I think the awesome characteristics are already in a person... but the Autism both enhances them and... Tries to smother them at the same time. I think it's this "smothering" that the autistic person is continually wrestling with, or trying to prevent, or change. It's exhausting! Let's face it; it's exhausting... for kids, for adults, for their parents and family trying to help them. All of this, brings me back to doctor Andrew Wakefield. Do vaccines "cause" Autism? I have no idea. I DO know that NO vaccine could ever CAUSE the wonderful awesomeness that Autistic people possess. But what about the FLIP side of it? My final point of confusion comes in all the stories I've heard (not directly, but on the net), from parents who say they "lost" their children. Somewhere around the tender age of eighteen months or so, parents say that any cognitive ability their child had suddenly disappeared. Children (such as Elizabeth Bonker) for example, suddenly did not recognize their parents, and stopped responding to their own name.
Now, I can't say whether a vaccine caused these delays or not, I am no doctor. But it has been repeatedly documented that Autistic people's brains process information differently than neuro typicals. (right?). So could it be POSSIBLE that certain vaccines given to an infant can damage the way an autistic person already processes things, thus causing that FLIP side (the negatives) that make Autism such a puzzle? (Pun intended). Andrew Wakefield seems to think so... and he has boldly claimed that he has evidence. If he's wrong about all that, why does he have to be treated like such a freak? I mean aren't we supposed to be allowed to express what we believe about things...even if it turns out to be wrong. This does not make those who are Autistic any less awesome. But let's face it... those with Autism often have a. HARDER time (because of that FLIP side). And say Dr. Wakefield is right... doesn't that then mean that the FLIP side of Autism could be prevented? I mean what if someone changed what is put into vaccines, or stopped putting it in altogether...could this at least HELP the FLIP side of Autism? (Not the AWESOME side...leave that alone...just the FLIP side)? I mean, why would this be so bad? The truth is there are a lot of parents and physicians who do believe that Autism is Preventable and curable. I truly believe that it is only the FLIP side I mentioned that they want to "cure"... not the AWESOME side. They don't want to get rid of the awesomeness of personality and character, they wanna make that even better by preventing the FLIP side of Autism.
Perhaps we need to decide to start showing the one thing that it is said Autistics lack...empathy. Andrew Wakefield's beliefs may not be shared by many, and his "passion" may even be misdirected... but it is still that... passion. Now, it's an angry passion...but sometimes our passions make us angry, don't they? Remember when you saw someone bullied, or you WERE the one who was bullied? It lit a fire of anger in you, yes? (And rightfully so, BTW). Both Andrew Wakefield, and Jenny McCarthy (yes, I know, I have not mentioned her until just now); but they both seem to believe that our government needs to stop requiring certain vaccines because they (supposedly) are contributing to making kids sick, rather than healthy. If they believe so strongly that the FLIP side of Autism is caused by sickness, would it not make sense that they also believe that this "sickness" can be cred or prevented? Now I am not saying whether either of them are right or wrong. The point I'm making is that it breaks my heart to see these two bashed so much, particularly by the Autistic community, for seeming to be persistent in saying; "That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.". Can we choose to believe that rather than ruining the awesomeness of an Autistic character, they only want to try and fix the FLIP side? I mean, if anybody knows anything about persistently standing up for what you believe, no matter who you piss off, it's an Autistic individual who only wants to be heard.
Again, I have no idea whether they are right or not. If curing Autism would mean that I could no longer be the awesome woman I am now, no, I would not want a "cure" for that. But I won't lie... I think the FLIP side can just take a hike... it sucks!! I say, if there is anything that will cure THAT...let me know :). Thanks!!
Okay, now let me say two things... Number one, I am not a doctor. Number two, I am only self diagnosed. I have a sincere belief that I have Autism myself and have been researching it like crazy, but I do not have an official medical diagnosis. Now, as I understand it, autism means "One" or "self". The Autistic's brain is "wired" differently than a neuro-typical's. No better or worse... Just different. So, I think the next logical question would be: "What causes these differences?". Right? Many people want to know the answer to this right?
I know this is a hard thing for people to discuss because it seems that their very character is being attacked and Misjudged. The fact that a person's brain processes information in a different way does not mean that this person is sick and needs to be cured. How can anyone speak about 'curing" a person's imagination, or abilities, or creativity? I get that. The thing I don't get, are all the physical limitations and symptoms that come with it, which must be treated somehow, either with medication or counseling or, life coaching, or physical therapy,even. Many of these symptoms and characteristics, I have. Some of them physical, some of them emotional and psychological.
People with Autism can have stemming, flat feet, poor muscle tone, unusual eye movements, gastro intestinal problems, sensory disturbances, anxiety, compulsive behavior, nervousness, Meltdowns, difficulty focusing, concentrating, and a whole other list of issues that can occur as the result of the one's already listed there, such as, say, teeth grinding and migraine headaches. Wow! You guys, I'm exhausted just thinking about all that, and thinking "somebody help!". Add to this, the fact that many times, Autistics are delayed in reaching life's milestones, they often have great difficulty holding down a job or moving away from home, and forming romantic and social relationships. Yikes!
Now, I'm confused because frankly, that seems like a lot of "sickness" for something that cannot be "cured.". I realize that not everything I listed there is a sickness, but on the other hand, a lot of it is...right? So, we devote our lives to treating the 'disabling" symptoms but don't want to believe that there is anything we can do about the (apparent) source??? Forgive me if I'm pissing you off, I apologize, but I don't understand. I've heard so many parents talk about how "heartbreaking" the diagnosis was for them because you don't want to see your child suffer and struggle. Listen, I love the fact, that I have "foreign accent syndrome" and that Most of my friends as a kid were imaginary, and that I still sleep with stuffed animals, and that I still pretend that my life is one big movie with hidden cameras. That's a big way that I deal with weakness in my life. I pretend that I am an actor portraying myself and that any weakness or loss of control in the character's life is there because I (the actor) am portraying the character that way, and this is all part of an academy award wining performance. Would I want to "fix" or "cure" any of that? Nope...certainly not! I'm too proud of it... and why not, I should be, right?
But what about the flip side? What about the debilitating difficulties? What about the fear that says a person will never be normal? Now, NOT being normal is not a bad thing, but lets face it...every Autistic person has that fear... and that freaking "sense of danger, or possible danger.". I've read about this over and over, and I also experience it everyday. Do I want to get rid of it? You bet your ass I want to get rid of that!! I for one, am tired of feeling like I live my life inside this clear "bubble" that allows me to see everything and "roll" through everything that happens in my life...but in the end, I always need a "push" from mommy, or somebody to keep me moving through because I can't actually get out of the "bubble.". I can say what I want, and see it, and know exactly how I want something to be in my mind, but I never seem to actually be able to get out of the perpetual "cacoon" around me. My life seems always lived with some sort of "go between", as in someone more capable than I who is on the outside of the cacoon, helping me carry out the endeavors of my day (and often in ways I'm not satisfied with). But on the other hand, anything that I can bring (into) the "bubble" keeps me busy... good, I feel productive. Here's the thing, there's only room for one thing, maybe two, inside the bubble... and I can't keep rolling because I need to concentrate (!!!)
So everyone outside the bubble, wishes they could get in, and often they are irritated because I don't come out. Listen guys, I can't help the fact that I live in damn "bubble"... but it's there and I've had to learn to 'adapt to it. I can come out of it once in a while for a bit. But I always begin to feel the affects, the fear, the nausea, the feeling that I'm sliding or falling, and I can't stop myself (in my head). I end up running back to the very "bubble" I hate because it's the only thing that "protects me" from all the noise out there. (Yikes!!!). Now, that being said, and keeping in mind that we are not attacking anyone's character here, is it any wonder that there would be some people out there who sincerely believe that the "cause" of all this chaos is out there somewhere? And if there is a cause to all of this...might there be a cure? I'm asking could there be a way to "cure" the bad stuff, while allowing someone to keep all those. AWESOME, positive characteristics that seem to come with being Autistic?
I have a different theory: I think the awesome characteristics are already in a person... but the Autism both enhances them and... Tries to smother them at the same time. I think it's this "smothering" that the autistic person is continually wrestling with, or trying to prevent, or change. It's exhausting! Let's face it; it's exhausting... for kids, for adults, for their parents and family trying to help them. All of this, brings me back to doctor Andrew Wakefield. Do vaccines "cause" Autism? I have no idea. I DO know that NO vaccine could ever CAUSE the wonderful awesomeness that Autistic people possess. But what about the FLIP side of it? My final point of confusion comes in all the stories I've heard (not directly, but on the net), from parents who say they "lost" their children. Somewhere around the tender age of eighteen months or so, parents say that any cognitive ability their child had suddenly disappeared. Children (such as Elizabeth Bonker) for example, suddenly did not recognize their parents, and stopped responding to their own name.
Now, I can't say whether a vaccine caused these delays or not, I am no doctor. But it has been repeatedly documented that Autistic people's brains process information differently than neuro typicals. (right?). So could it be POSSIBLE that certain vaccines given to an infant can damage the way an autistic person already processes things, thus causing that FLIP side (the negatives) that make Autism such a puzzle? (Pun intended). Andrew Wakefield seems to think so... and he has boldly claimed that he has evidence. If he's wrong about all that, why does he have to be treated like such a freak? I mean aren't we supposed to be allowed to express what we believe about things...even if it turns out to be wrong. This does not make those who are Autistic any less awesome. But let's face it... those with Autism often have a. HARDER time (because of that FLIP side). And say Dr. Wakefield is right... doesn't that then mean that the FLIP side of Autism could be prevented? I mean what if someone changed what is put into vaccines, or stopped putting it in altogether...could this at least HELP the FLIP side of Autism? (Not the AWESOME side...leave that alone...just the FLIP side)? I mean, why would this be so bad? The truth is there are a lot of parents and physicians who do believe that Autism is Preventable and curable. I truly believe that it is only the FLIP side I mentioned that they want to "cure"... not the AWESOME side. They don't want to get rid of the awesomeness of personality and character, they wanna make that even better by preventing the FLIP side of Autism.
Perhaps we need to decide to start showing the one thing that it is said Autistics lack...empathy. Andrew Wakefield's beliefs may not be shared by many, and his "passion" may even be misdirected... but it is still that... passion. Now, it's an angry passion...but sometimes our passions make us angry, don't they? Remember when you saw someone bullied, or you WERE the one who was bullied? It lit a fire of anger in you, yes? (And rightfully so, BTW). Both Andrew Wakefield, and Jenny McCarthy (yes, I know, I have not mentioned her until just now); but they both seem to believe that our government needs to stop requiring certain vaccines because they (supposedly) are contributing to making kids sick, rather than healthy. If they believe so strongly that the FLIP side of Autism is caused by sickness, would it not make sense that they also believe that this "sickness" can be cred or prevented? Now I am not saying whether either of them are right or wrong. The point I'm making is that it breaks my heart to see these two bashed so much, particularly by the Autistic community, for seeming to be persistent in saying; "That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.". Can we choose to believe that rather than ruining the awesomeness of an Autistic character, they only want to try and fix the FLIP side? I mean, if anybody knows anything about persistently standing up for what you believe, no matter who you piss off, it's an Autistic individual who only wants to be heard.
Again, I have no idea whether they are right or not. If curing Autism would mean that I could no longer be the awesome woman I am now, no, I would not want a "cure" for that. But I won't lie... I think the FLIP side can just take a hike... it sucks!! I say, if there is anything that will cure THAT...let me know :). Thanks!!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Autism in Love
Duh?? But I thought...
I've heard it said that the word "autism" means one, or self. But those who are on the autism spectrum desire romantic relationships just as much as we all do...sometimes even more. Independent film makers Matt Fuller and Carolina Groppa have been putting together a documentary fim called "Autism in Love.". This film follows the lives of real people on the autism spectrum as they experience the ups and down's of love and wanting to be in love. However, they need our help if this film is to be completed. Please take moment to watch the sizzle reel and donate if you can. Thanks!
Go to "Autism in Love" on Facebook and Twitter
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/autisminlove/autism-in-love-0
I've heard it said that the word "autism" means one, or self. But those who are on the autism spectrum desire romantic relationships just as much as we all do...sometimes even more. Independent film makers Matt Fuller and Carolina Groppa have been putting together a documentary fim called "Autism in Love.". This film follows the lives of real people on the autism spectrum as they experience the ups and down's of love and wanting to be in love. However, they need our help if this film is to be completed. Please take moment to watch the sizzle reel and donate if you can. Thanks!
Go to "Autism in Love" on Facebook and Twitter
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/autisminlove/autism-in-love-0
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Strength in Weakness (Part Two)
Duh?? But I thought... I don't know whether it's more socially acceptable for men or women to find strength in their weaknesses. My instinct tells me it's more acceptable for women. I know that men and women handle their weaknesses and strengths in different ways. I would say that men want to avoid showing any vulnerabilities at all costs, but I do not believe this is true. Some of the most sensitive, likable people I know are men. This is a wonderful thing that makes men amazing protectors, but society often treats these qualities as... Weaknesses that must be avoided at all costs. We live in a society that seems to be trying to teach women to act like men, and men to act like women.
Just watch any movie, television show or commercial. Women are portrayed as the do it all, in control, 24 hrs. A day ones, while men are portrayed as the weak, stumbling idiots who don't know where anything is, and can't do anything without the know it all women in their lives. These women belittle their men and gang up on them for not understanding some innuendo they shared amongst their girlfriends. Another very puzzling thing to me, is all the reality shows and talk shows dealing with engaged couples. I always wind up sitting there wondering WHY these men WANT to marry these women. They're controlling, demanding, belittling, they tear down their man's character in front of others. Where is the "reward" for marrying them?? I think showing weakness is acceptable for ladies (because they are the one's already handling everything anyway, but when men show weakness, it is acceptable and completely politically correct to make them feel as stupid and akward as possible.
Now, do I agree with all this sad stuff? Absolutely not...it makes me want to cry! I agree that it happens, but I don't agree that it SHOULD happen. According to author Shaunti Feldham, a man lives every day with a deep fear that they will be found to be an imposter in their own lives... that everyone around them will suddenly discover that they are not for real. As our providers and protectors, our men get out into the rink everyday to slay the dragons of life so that we will see that their accomplishment benefits us as well as them. Relationships are frightening. Failure is frightening. Rejection is frightening. Even as I write this, I know that what I write of is a burden I cannot understand. Add to this, the complication that it is socially accepted that men are no more than insensitive, uncaring unkind "clods". Not fair. Not fair.
So, in all of this, where is there room for mistakes, or vulnerability? We women are supposed to be a guy's soft place to fall. Hopefully, he has a mother, a sister, a girlfriend, or a wife that he is able to feel safe opening up to. Hopefully, he always knows, that no matter what kind of a day he's having, she will always love and respect him. I believe the church can play a huge part in this as well, offering fellowship, counsel, prayer and accountability. Hopefully, men have a strong, ethical male influence in their life, be it their dad, or grandfather, a brother, friend, or mentor.
But how can a woman be a man's soft place to fall when she's so busy handling everything around her? We have the power of choice yes... but is it possible that this power only makes it more difficult to be ourselves? Anyway, how is a woman able to be soft, and vulnerable and respectful and accepting of a man's need to provide and protect, when she has had to take over all these things herself? Many women are single parents, for example, faced with a task never really designed to be theirs... that of being both mom and dad. This task is possible, but unbelievably difficult and tiring! Women often become "able" to do this task out of necessity, but when this woman has no support, how does she learn to yield to it, or be accepting of it, should it come her way? And where does this leave a guy? With our society screaming that it's so pollitically correct to let women handle everything, are guys left to just hang around... sort of like spectators in their own lives? It is not easy for a man to willingly lay down his life in order to be everything for her. How much harder is it, when he is not able to find where he fits in the life they've made? What does a man do when the one job he is made for is stripped away from him, while the woman in his life is frustrated and angry because he's unwilling to help her with anything?
Such a "catch 22" as they say! So where in the world is there room for weakness and vulnerability in that?? Well, guess what folks? There is going to be a part three to this, because, for now, I need to take a break! I would just say, ladies, he needs respect. Guys, she needs sensitivity and protection. :)
Just watch any movie, television show or commercial. Women are portrayed as the do it all, in control, 24 hrs. A day ones, while men are portrayed as the weak, stumbling idiots who don't know where anything is, and can't do anything without the know it all women in their lives. These women belittle their men and gang up on them for not understanding some innuendo they shared amongst their girlfriends. Another very puzzling thing to me, is all the reality shows and talk shows dealing with engaged couples. I always wind up sitting there wondering WHY these men WANT to marry these women. They're controlling, demanding, belittling, they tear down their man's character in front of others. Where is the "reward" for marrying them?? I think showing weakness is acceptable for ladies (because they are the one's already handling everything anyway, but when men show weakness, it is acceptable and completely politically correct to make them feel as stupid and akward as possible.
Now, do I agree with all this sad stuff? Absolutely not...it makes me want to cry! I agree that it happens, but I don't agree that it SHOULD happen. According to author Shaunti Feldham, a man lives every day with a deep fear that they will be found to be an imposter in their own lives... that everyone around them will suddenly discover that they are not for real. As our providers and protectors, our men get out into the rink everyday to slay the dragons of life so that we will see that their accomplishment benefits us as well as them. Relationships are frightening. Failure is frightening. Rejection is frightening. Even as I write this, I know that what I write of is a burden I cannot understand. Add to this, the complication that it is socially accepted that men are no more than insensitive, uncaring unkind "clods". Not fair. Not fair.
So, in all of this, where is there room for mistakes, or vulnerability? We women are supposed to be a guy's soft place to fall. Hopefully, he has a mother, a sister, a girlfriend, or a wife that he is able to feel safe opening up to. Hopefully, he always knows, that no matter what kind of a day he's having, she will always love and respect him. I believe the church can play a huge part in this as well, offering fellowship, counsel, prayer and accountability. Hopefully, men have a strong, ethical male influence in their life, be it their dad, or grandfather, a brother, friend, or mentor.
But how can a woman be a man's soft place to fall when she's so busy handling everything around her? We have the power of choice yes... but is it possible that this power only makes it more difficult to be ourselves? Anyway, how is a woman able to be soft, and vulnerable and respectful and accepting of a man's need to provide and protect, when she has had to take over all these things herself? Many women are single parents, for example, faced with a task never really designed to be theirs... that of being both mom and dad. This task is possible, but unbelievably difficult and tiring! Women often become "able" to do this task out of necessity, but when this woman has no support, how does she learn to yield to it, or be accepting of it, should it come her way? And where does this leave a guy? With our society screaming that it's so pollitically correct to let women handle everything, are guys left to just hang around... sort of like spectators in their own lives? It is not easy for a man to willingly lay down his life in order to be everything for her. How much harder is it, when he is not able to find where he fits in the life they've made? What does a man do when the one job he is made for is stripped away from him, while the woman in his life is frustrated and angry because he's unwilling to help her with anything?
Such a "catch 22" as they say! So where in the world is there room for weakness and vulnerability in that?? Well, guess what folks? There is going to be a part three to this, because, for now, I need to take a break! I would just say, ladies, he needs respect. Guys, she needs sensitivity and protection. :)
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Strength in Weakness
Duh?? But I thought... I just saw a sign which read:
"Don't be disappointed when people don't help you.
That is how you learn to do things yourself
It's tremendous empowerment."
(or something to that affect).
I have very mixed feelings about this. I often act like I don't need any help, in order to avoid asking for it. I wanna be in control and capable, and able to do things perfectly the first time, every time, and have people bask in wonder at how I handled everything. The fact is, this is a standard of perfection that has often gotten me into trouble, and cost me a lot of learning opportunities.
With me, it's not about feeling bad when people won't help me; it's giving up the stubbornness that won't let me accept the help being offered. There is empowerment in this as well. Autistics tend to dream and fantasize... even about simple things. When we do things, we want to do things perfectly and have people indebted to us somehow because we often mistake this feeling of control with empowerment. There is a feeling that we have "saved" or "rescued" someone. The glory of being our own superhero sorta washes over us, and we feel vindicated... we feel strong... we feel worthy... we feel empowered. But let's face it...superheroes are not clumsy or weak.
The tricky thing is, we know we're only human (duh, right?), but we equate our successes (even the little ones) with the strength of a superhero. There is a literal euphoria that washes over us when we "succeed" at things that we associate with being accepted by other people. When we succeed, people accept and adore us... When we fail? Well... this is where it also gets tricky. What happens (in our black and white thinking) when we fail? If people are still accepting of us, are they only doing it because they have to, because that's just what people are supposed to do? Now, understand, I'm going through a THOUGHT PROCESS here, that no one (autistic or not) will broadcast to people because... well, it's embarrassing. It sounds juvinile and childish, doesn't it? Once we grow up, we're supposed to understand that our esteem in the eyes of others does not disappear when we... need help. This is ridiculous, right? It isn't if we have A terrible fear of becoming a burden to others. As Autistics, we often learn to create our own personal milestones because we don't often have the typical milestones of others at the expected (shall we say) times of life. As a result, we feel as though there is this sort of a burden on us to "prove" our worthiness to the other adults around us.
For example, some of us need help because we do not drive. The fact is, driving is particularly dangerous for some Autistics because they are so highly sensitive to the sensory changes going on around them and they are so easily overwhelmed. This is a reality that some Autistics live with. Is it easy? Of course not. Who wants to look like there isn't a thing wrong with you and yet feel so incapable? And yet, having a "do or die" attitude does not help, if the reality is that this person still should not be driving. For them, the strength of their character has to come in letting someone else help them. Letting someone else help them navigate the bus system, call a cab, or allowing them to give them a ride could be the most empowering thing they can do for themselves. Often it does not seem as though this is the case. This allows no room for the "euphoria" of feeling like our own superhero. It does not let us feel as though we are in control, because we have to allow someone else to help us. Our black and white thinking makes us feel as though we should be way beyond needing this sort of help (and sooner or later, people are going to start telling us so).
Autistics have these sorts of fears, and sometimes we're terrified of others finding out about them because it's like another step backwards in our fight for independence. Our black and white thinking makes it very difficult to step back and let other people step into our lives, because there's no way we can predict an outcome. Besides, sometimes our undying sense of hope won't allow us to be very realistic. (Again, it's the superhero sort of mentality.). We want to hope all things, believe all things and endure all things where we believe something truly will work. So, it's a mystery... but there's a certain strength in weakness. Sometimes, there is no one there to help us with things and we learn to do things on our own out of necessity. But isn't it wonderful to embrace those in our life who are willing to help and support us? Isn't it amazing to be empowered...by embracing our need for help? Certainly not a politically correct view, but perhaps it can keep some from being bound by the weight of a "burden of proof" (as in, "I must prove to myself and the world that I can do everything myself."). Be empowered as you know that others love you (and they probably are not nearly as hard on you as you tend to be on yourself. Blessings! :)
"Don't be disappointed when people don't help you.
That is how you learn to do things yourself
It's tremendous empowerment."
(or something to that affect).
I have very mixed feelings about this. I often act like I don't need any help, in order to avoid asking for it. I wanna be in control and capable, and able to do things perfectly the first time, every time, and have people bask in wonder at how I handled everything. The fact is, this is a standard of perfection that has often gotten me into trouble, and cost me a lot of learning opportunities.
With me, it's not about feeling bad when people won't help me; it's giving up the stubbornness that won't let me accept the help being offered. There is empowerment in this as well. Autistics tend to dream and fantasize... even about simple things. When we do things, we want to do things perfectly and have people indebted to us somehow because we often mistake this feeling of control with empowerment. There is a feeling that we have "saved" or "rescued" someone. The glory of being our own superhero sorta washes over us, and we feel vindicated... we feel strong... we feel worthy... we feel empowered. But let's face it...superheroes are not clumsy or weak.
The tricky thing is, we know we're only human (duh, right?), but we equate our successes (even the little ones) with the strength of a superhero. There is a literal euphoria that washes over us when we "succeed" at things that we associate with being accepted by other people. When we succeed, people accept and adore us... When we fail? Well... this is where it also gets tricky. What happens (in our black and white thinking) when we fail? If people are still accepting of us, are they only doing it because they have to, because that's just what people are supposed to do? Now, understand, I'm going through a THOUGHT PROCESS here, that no one (autistic or not) will broadcast to people because... well, it's embarrassing. It sounds juvinile and childish, doesn't it? Once we grow up, we're supposed to understand that our esteem in the eyes of others does not disappear when we... need help. This is ridiculous, right? It isn't if we have A terrible fear of becoming a burden to others. As Autistics, we often learn to create our own personal milestones because we don't often have the typical milestones of others at the expected (shall we say) times of life. As a result, we feel as though there is this sort of a burden on us to "prove" our worthiness to the other adults around us.
For example, some of us need help because we do not drive. The fact is, driving is particularly dangerous for some Autistics because they are so highly sensitive to the sensory changes going on around them and they are so easily overwhelmed. This is a reality that some Autistics live with. Is it easy? Of course not. Who wants to look like there isn't a thing wrong with you and yet feel so incapable? And yet, having a "do or die" attitude does not help, if the reality is that this person still should not be driving. For them, the strength of their character has to come in letting someone else help them. Letting someone else help them navigate the bus system, call a cab, or allowing them to give them a ride could be the most empowering thing they can do for themselves. Often it does not seem as though this is the case. This allows no room for the "euphoria" of feeling like our own superhero. It does not let us feel as though we are in control, because we have to allow someone else to help us. Our black and white thinking makes us feel as though we should be way beyond needing this sort of help (and sooner or later, people are going to start telling us so).
Autistics have these sorts of fears, and sometimes we're terrified of others finding out about them because it's like another step backwards in our fight for independence. Our black and white thinking makes it very difficult to step back and let other people step into our lives, because there's no way we can predict an outcome. Besides, sometimes our undying sense of hope won't allow us to be very realistic. (Again, it's the superhero sort of mentality.). We want to hope all things, believe all things and endure all things where we believe something truly will work. So, it's a mystery... but there's a certain strength in weakness. Sometimes, there is no one there to help us with things and we learn to do things on our own out of necessity. But isn't it wonderful to embrace those in our life who are willing to help and support us? Isn't it amazing to be empowered...by embracing our need for help? Certainly not a politically correct view, but perhaps it can keep some from being bound by the weight of a "burden of proof" (as in, "I must prove to myself and the world that I can do everything myself."). Be empowered as you know that others love you (and they probably are not nearly as hard on you as you tend to be on yourself. Blessings! :)
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Don't Be Afraid
Duh?? But I thought... Alright.I JUST GOTTA SAY THIS:
Don't be afraid when your expectations don't turn out the way you hope they will.
I just saw something that said: "Expectation is the root of all heartache."
First of all, I feel sad for the person who said that because they really must be in a lot of pain. My prays go out to them. But, that being said, this statement just makes my blood boil..
Everywhere we turn, we're told in some capacity that when we do not expect anything from anyone then we are never disappointed. This may be completely true, but it is also completely ridiculous! Listen, people, we were all designed to take risks, don't you think? Nobody can walk through life not having any expectations of anyone. It does not work that way. We are people. We have hearts and minds and ideas and creativity. We have emotions and intelligence... and spirits that go on forever!
I hope I sound like I'm bursting into song here because my heart is on fire!
This is the fire of righteous indignation.
Listen, our expectations don't let us down. If we never expected anything from anybody, we would never expect anything from ourselves either. The people involved in our expectations usually let us down...not the fact that we expected something to begin with. We are created to relate to others and connect with them. Even the most reclusive of us are designed to connect with others. The receiving of joy requires safety and trust. Trusting another person always requires a risk. Let's face it, there are always "blind spots" in life. There are unknowns. The fact is, if we never got hurt in life, we would never know any true joy, because there would be no difference. Translation: Nobody can really live like Penny Lane in "Almost Famous." (If you've never seen that movie, do so.). The fact is, we will get attached to people and sometimes we will get hurt. Now, sometimes we get hurt deeply and it takes us longer to rise again. That's okay. This is just another part of being human. It's not about getting to a place where we kinda float through life and don't feel anything anymore.
If you expect the best out of a person or a situation, and you don't receive it, you've only made a mistake in a loving way. Besides, you still know what you hoped for, right? You just did not happen to get it in the place you were looking. So you recover and you keep looking! Be patient with yourself, recover, and keep looking. The expectations are not the source of heartbreak. Your expectations are what remind you of the goal when your heart does break. The fact thar we hurt at times can mean we're sensitive to people and what they go through. Besides the principle of empathy includes having empathy for ourselves too. Those of us with AS or Autism tend to be too hard on ourselves anyway, amen? I think just like most things take practice, it also takes practice to learn to forgive (both ourselves and others). Remember, what we expect out of ourselves tends to be what we expect out of others too. Expectations are good. They are proof of our requirements, both of others, and of ourselves. They are proof of limits and boundaries. They are proof that we have respect for ourselves and for others, and that we have the anticipation of love. Without such things, why are we living and breathing?
"To thyne own self be true."-- Shakespeare.
Don't be afraid when your expectations don't turn out the way you hope they will.
I just saw something that said: "Expectation is the root of all heartache."
First of all, I feel sad for the person who said that because they really must be in a lot of pain. My prays go out to them. But, that being said, this statement just makes my blood boil..
Everywhere we turn, we're told in some capacity that when we do not expect anything from anyone then we are never disappointed. This may be completely true, but it is also completely ridiculous! Listen, people, we were all designed to take risks, don't you think? Nobody can walk through life not having any expectations of anyone. It does not work that way. We are people. We have hearts and minds and ideas and creativity. We have emotions and intelligence... and spirits that go on forever!
I hope I sound like I'm bursting into song here because my heart is on fire!
This is the fire of righteous indignation.
Listen, our expectations don't let us down. If we never expected anything from anybody, we would never expect anything from ourselves either. The people involved in our expectations usually let us down...not the fact that we expected something to begin with. We are created to relate to others and connect with them. Even the most reclusive of us are designed to connect with others. The receiving of joy requires safety and trust. Trusting another person always requires a risk. Let's face it, there are always "blind spots" in life. There are unknowns. The fact is, if we never got hurt in life, we would never know any true joy, because there would be no difference. Translation: Nobody can really live like Penny Lane in "Almost Famous." (If you've never seen that movie, do so.). The fact is, we will get attached to people and sometimes we will get hurt. Now, sometimes we get hurt deeply and it takes us longer to rise again. That's okay. This is just another part of being human. It's not about getting to a place where we kinda float through life and don't feel anything anymore.
If you expect the best out of a person or a situation, and you don't receive it, you've only made a mistake in a loving way. Besides, you still know what you hoped for, right? You just did not happen to get it in the place you were looking. So you recover and you keep looking! Be patient with yourself, recover, and keep looking. The expectations are not the source of heartbreak. Your expectations are what remind you of the goal when your heart does break. The fact thar we hurt at times can mean we're sensitive to people and what they go through. Besides the principle of empathy includes having empathy for ourselves too. Those of us with AS or Autism tend to be too hard on ourselves anyway, amen? I think just like most things take practice, it also takes practice to learn to forgive (both ourselves and others). Remember, what we expect out of ourselves tends to be what we expect out of others too. Expectations are good. They are proof of our requirements, both of others, and of ourselves. They are proof of limits and boundaries. They are proof that we have respect for ourselves and for others, and that we have the anticipation of love. Without such things, why are we living and breathing?
"To thyne own self be true."-- Shakespeare.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Some things for Women to Keep in Mind...
Duh?? But I thought...Just saw a video on how autism affects girls in particular. You know, it's just a tricky thing all the way around, I think. I once heard an autistic women's personality described as a blank slate waiting to be filled. I think I would agree with that, but it also made me really sad. Was this person trying to say that autistic girls don't really know who they are because they spend so much time mirroring the behavior of others? Yes, she was.
So, the thing is, who ARE we? How do we know who we are? One of my English teachers in college liked to tell us all the time:
"Use your crap detector."
He was speaking generally for everyone, but the same thing applies to autistic women as well. The crap detector, as he liked to call it, is your instinct that tells you that something is not quite right. So, ask questions and don't be afraid. If you are afraid, that's alright, but let the excitement of independence win... and ask questions anyway. This is how you find things out. Just know that when someone makes fun of you (and they will) at times, it's because they are attempting to feel better about themselves...in the WRONG way! Ladies, have courage!!! Remember, some people though they are very smart, use all their intelligence for the wrong reasons. Just keep this in mind, and remember that the goal is keeping yourself safe. Decide what you deserve. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and fairness. Anyone who will not treat you with these things does not deserve to be in your life. You have the right to be protected.
Now, as we get older, it gets harder because in order to live our lives, we often have to deal with more and more of the wrong behaviors from people. I think this is because as adults, we use the fact that we ARE adults to get away with things. It's like we tell kids all the time: "When you're an adult, you can do that.". I am not saying that everything that people do is bad, and that we should not trust anyone. But, let's face it, we don't become ELIGIBLE to do many things until we are adults. So, for neuro-typicals, this often opens up many possibilities as to what they are able to now get away with. The lines are blurred because of newly gained independence and responsibility. But for those with Autism or AS, we seem to wait our whole lives for this independence and the responsibility that goes along with it. Our sensitivities and child-likeness often require us to need a sort of "parenting" kind of assistance even well into adulthood. The thing is, we live in a culture that teaches people that you are a nobody if you do not learn to handle everything yourself, without even breaking a sweat. Our culture does not like weakness (I don't care how politically correct we believe we've become). We also do not look kindly on anyone looking uncertain or unsure. We can BE unsure about many things, of course... Everyone is. But even then, those who seem to have their own smooth way of "blending in" with others faire much better than those who stick out like sore thumbs. Translation: We must avoid LOOKING like failures at all costs. This is superficial and it's shallow, and it's ridiculous... but unfortunately, this is the general social norm that we all seem to put pressure on ourselves to fit into.
In my opinion, it's not worth it. I say, ladies, set your own example. Be that refreshing drink of water (as it were) for those who have been "out in the desert" too long. Everyone needs an example of courage. Be one! The open honesty and vulnerability and frankness of those on the spectrum does not "gel" with a culture that constantly tells people they must hide all imperfections. Do not let anyone tell you that you are not eligible to take part in the adult privelidges of life... just know that you will have your own unique way of accessing them. Be kind to yourself so that you are able to be kind to others too. Remember everyone is scared at times, and everyone needs help. Some of us just have different ways of showing it.
"Be as gentle as lambs, but as cunning as serpents.". The "cunning as serpents" part, is where the "crap detector" comes in. It's for protection. It's a process of using our heads in order to guard our hearts. It's using your instinct or "internal filter" in cases where we must decide what is best to do, and whether or not someone has the best motives in mind, this can be a tricky thing to do because of all the different things life can present us with on a given day. For autistic adults, this is very challenging because that "internal filter" is not there naturally. It must be taught...consciously thought of. The "gentle as lambs" part has to do with treating people with respect and kindness.
I think a common dilemma many people with autism face is keeping the "guard" in place while treating people with the sense of endearment that genuinely comes from the heart. We never want offend anyone, make them angry or embarrass them, because of our own sensitivities to the same things. Ideally, we want to trust people and we want them to trust us. We don't want to treat people as though we THINK they would mean us any harm because we would never want to be treated that way ourselves. We know that this would be hurtful to us, so we assume this "mistrust" would also be hurtful to others. Wonderful idea. Wonderful intentions. Obviously, the problem is that we leave ourselves wide open to be taken advantage of by those who do not have proper motives. Remember that trust must always be earned through correct behavior. When we don't know someone, we do not yet have the proof that their motives are what they should be. This does not mean that you SAY something like this to someone you don't know. This is not kind or gentle, it's rude and disrespectful. This sends a message to the other person that you are someone they do not want to encounter again :). Always treat another person as well as you want to be treated, but ask yourself whether or not this person needs to EARN your trust. If you just met that person (whether you see them again or not), they need to earn your trust. Be respectful, and honest, but don't tell them your life story.
The one thing about the autistic female mind that is uncomfortable to me, is the fact that I've read many times that women with autism tend to have more "male" brains. Judging by my personality, I'd tend to agree with this..
I tend to be a control freak and distrustful of others motives (can you tell?) :). When I think someone is incorrect I tend to want to "put them in their place" :). I have temper tantrums and Meltdowns and tend to become impatient and loud. (I do a lot of apologizing for temper tantrums) :). I feel the need to become defensive easily. This is one of the things I need to really work on. I tend to push people away too quickly. I've heard it said many times that a man cannot fall in love with someone whose temperament is too masculine. This is troublesome to me because I feel as though I'm always trying to balance masculine and feminine energy. It can be exhausting! :). Thoughts? Ideas... anyone? :). Be true to yourselves ladies! Use your head to guard your heart.
(Matthew 10:16). The serpent/lamb analogy.
So, the thing is, who ARE we? How do we know who we are? One of my English teachers in college liked to tell us all the time:
"Use your crap detector."
He was speaking generally for everyone, but the same thing applies to autistic women as well. The crap detector, as he liked to call it, is your instinct that tells you that something is not quite right. So, ask questions and don't be afraid. If you are afraid, that's alright, but let the excitement of independence win... and ask questions anyway. This is how you find things out. Just know that when someone makes fun of you (and they will) at times, it's because they are attempting to feel better about themselves...in the WRONG way! Ladies, have courage!!! Remember, some people though they are very smart, use all their intelligence for the wrong reasons. Just keep this in mind, and remember that the goal is keeping yourself safe. Decide what you deserve. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and fairness. Anyone who will not treat you with these things does not deserve to be in your life. You have the right to be protected.
Now, as we get older, it gets harder because in order to live our lives, we often have to deal with more and more of the wrong behaviors from people. I think this is because as adults, we use the fact that we ARE adults to get away with things. It's like we tell kids all the time: "When you're an adult, you can do that.". I am not saying that everything that people do is bad, and that we should not trust anyone. But, let's face it, we don't become ELIGIBLE to do many things until we are adults. So, for neuro-typicals, this often opens up many possibilities as to what they are able to now get away with. The lines are blurred because of newly gained independence and responsibility. But for those with Autism or AS, we seem to wait our whole lives for this independence and the responsibility that goes along with it. Our sensitivities and child-likeness often require us to need a sort of "parenting" kind of assistance even well into adulthood. The thing is, we live in a culture that teaches people that you are a nobody if you do not learn to handle everything yourself, without even breaking a sweat. Our culture does not like weakness (I don't care how politically correct we believe we've become). We also do not look kindly on anyone looking uncertain or unsure. We can BE unsure about many things, of course... Everyone is. But even then, those who seem to have their own smooth way of "blending in" with others faire much better than those who stick out like sore thumbs. Translation: We must avoid LOOKING like failures at all costs. This is superficial and it's shallow, and it's ridiculous... but unfortunately, this is the general social norm that we all seem to put pressure on ourselves to fit into.
In my opinion, it's not worth it. I say, ladies, set your own example. Be that refreshing drink of water (as it were) for those who have been "out in the desert" too long. Everyone needs an example of courage. Be one! The open honesty and vulnerability and frankness of those on the spectrum does not "gel" with a culture that constantly tells people they must hide all imperfections. Do not let anyone tell you that you are not eligible to take part in the adult privelidges of life... just know that you will have your own unique way of accessing them. Be kind to yourself so that you are able to be kind to others too. Remember everyone is scared at times, and everyone needs help. Some of us just have different ways of showing it.
"Be as gentle as lambs, but as cunning as serpents.". The "cunning as serpents" part, is where the "crap detector" comes in. It's for protection. It's a process of using our heads in order to guard our hearts. It's using your instinct or "internal filter" in cases where we must decide what is best to do, and whether or not someone has the best motives in mind, this can be a tricky thing to do because of all the different things life can present us with on a given day. For autistic adults, this is very challenging because that "internal filter" is not there naturally. It must be taught...consciously thought of. The "gentle as lambs" part has to do with treating people with respect and kindness.
I think a common dilemma many people with autism face is keeping the "guard" in place while treating people with the sense of endearment that genuinely comes from the heart. We never want offend anyone, make them angry or embarrass them, because of our own sensitivities to the same things. Ideally, we want to trust people and we want them to trust us. We don't want to treat people as though we THINK they would mean us any harm because we would never want to be treated that way ourselves. We know that this would be hurtful to us, so we assume this "mistrust" would also be hurtful to others. Wonderful idea. Wonderful intentions. Obviously, the problem is that we leave ourselves wide open to be taken advantage of by those who do not have proper motives. Remember that trust must always be earned through correct behavior. When we don't know someone, we do not yet have the proof that their motives are what they should be. This does not mean that you SAY something like this to someone you don't know. This is not kind or gentle, it's rude and disrespectful. This sends a message to the other person that you are someone they do not want to encounter again :). Always treat another person as well as you want to be treated, but ask yourself whether or not this person needs to EARN your trust. If you just met that person (whether you see them again or not), they need to earn your trust. Be respectful, and honest, but don't tell them your life story.
The one thing about the autistic female mind that is uncomfortable to me, is the fact that I've read many times that women with autism tend to have more "male" brains. Judging by my personality, I'd tend to agree with this..
I tend to be a control freak and distrustful of others motives (can you tell?) :). When I think someone is incorrect I tend to want to "put them in their place" :). I have temper tantrums and Meltdowns and tend to become impatient and loud. (I do a lot of apologizing for temper tantrums) :). I feel the need to become defensive easily. This is one of the things I need to really work on. I tend to push people away too quickly. I've heard it said many times that a man cannot fall in love with someone whose temperament is too masculine. This is troublesome to me because I feel as though I'm always trying to balance masculine and feminine energy. It can be exhausting! :). Thoughts? Ideas... anyone? :). Be true to yourselves ladies! Use your head to guard your heart.
(Matthew 10:16). The serpent/lamb analogy.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
It's not a disorder...
Duh?? But I thought...You know, I keep hearing everywhere that Autism and AS is not a disorder. Hmmm... It is a wonderfully unique and different way of thinking and constructing ideas. This is for sure... and thank God for it. But here's the thing. I'm afraid of being afraid. Anxiety does that to you. I'm always wondering whether my day is going to be good or bad, due to circumstances beyond my control. Yes, I CAN control how I handle the situation... But add Meltdowns and temper tantrums into the mix, and suddenly, even your response to a given incident seems beyond your grasp.
At any given time I can feel sick to my stomach, and I don't need a reason. I have to know where the restrooms are in each public place I'm in. This is a preventative measure. Too many choices at one time can give me a panic attack. Sometimes it is too overwhelming to me to go to stores or restaurants. I have digestive issues, migraines, sweaty palms and feet, sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights, weird eye movements, extreme changes in mood, difficulty with fine motor skills, physical challenges because of weak muscles. I speak too quietly oftentimes, and when I'm asked to speak up, I get annoyed, which makes it awkward for people to talk to me. I have a constant inner dialogue that never seems to shut off. I'm always trying to process the words in mu own head. I talk to myself constantly, and have often been ridiculed for it. All of this, while people are saying to me "You look fine... why don't you work?". I moved out on my own when I was 27, and was SO excited about it, but most people I told about it thought it was odd that this was the first time I'd ever been on my own. I'm not a "typical" anything. I always have thins lingering feeling that my life is 15 to 20 years behind most people"s.
Sometimes I don't think I make the best adult, because the most joy that I get out of life comes from childlike things. I can be very jovial, but am constantly too hard on myself for not acting my age. I know how amazing I am, and I wish others did too... but am I conceited for saying so? All of this, and I've gotta find some way to present myself to people in a way that does not depress me or them... Because who want's that? Who would ever be interested in someone who brought them down, right? I would not be interested in that either. :) I understand. :). My greatest wish in the world is that I can be with the right guy, and just love him... but no one will notice me if I don't "get out there" right?... When every one of my senses is telling me that it would be much safer not to.
Now, the original purpose of this entry was mentioning that I'm hearing all over the place that AS and autism are not disorders. Excuse me, but I'm exhausted now; I think I need to lay down. :)
KNOW WHAT I MEAN??? :)
PS...Don't worry, my next entry will be all about power and overcoming, because this is depressing. :)
PPS...I do not need any correction here about WHETHER or not AS and Autism is a disorder. :). The point here is that it's ironic that a state of being that seems to disrupt a person's life so much is NOT a disorder. It certainly CAUSES a lot of disorder! Is that a fair statement :)
At any given time I can feel sick to my stomach, and I don't need a reason. I have to know where the restrooms are in each public place I'm in. This is a preventative measure. Too many choices at one time can give me a panic attack. Sometimes it is too overwhelming to me to go to stores or restaurants. I have digestive issues, migraines, sweaty palms and feet, sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights, weird eye movements, extreme changes in mood, difficulty with fine motor skills, physical challenges because of weak muscles. I speak too quietly oftentimes, and when I'm asked to speak up, I get annoyed, which makes it awkward for people to talk to me. I have a constant inner dialogue that never seems to shut off. I'm always trying to process the words in mu own head. I talk to myself constantly, and have often been ridiculed for it. All of this, while people are saying to me "You look fine... why don't you work?". I moved out on my own when I was 27, and was SO excited about it, but most people I told about it thought it was odd that this was the first time I'd ever been on my own. I'm not a "typical" anything. I always have thins lingering feeling that my life is 15 to 20 years behind most people"s.
Sometimes I don't think I make the best adult, because the most joy that I get out of life comes from childlike things. I can be very jovial, but am constantly too hard on myself for not acting my age. I know how amazing I am, and I wish others did too... but am I conceited for saying so? All of this, and I've gotta find some way to present myself to people in a way that does not depress me or them... Because who want's that? Who would ever be interested in someone who brought them down, right? I would not be interested in that either. :) I understand. :). My greatest wish in the world is that I can be with the right guy, and just love him... but no one will notice me if I don't "get out there" right?... When every one of my senses is telling me that it would be much safer not to.
Now, the original purpose of this entry was mentioning that I'm hearing all over the place that AS and autism are not disorders. Excuse me, but I'm exhausted now; I think I need to lay down. :)
KNOW WHAT I MEAN??? :)
PS...Don't worry, my next entry will be all about power and overcoming, because this is depressing. :)
PPS...I do not need any correction here about WHETHER or not AS and Autism is a disorder. :). The point here is that it's ironic that a state of being that seems to disrupt a person's life so much is NOT a disorder. It certainly CAUSES a lot of disorder! Is that a fair statement :)
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