Sunday, September 30, 2012
Why Does That Have to Happen?
Sometimes I wish I could just live by myself and never have to worry about another person again as long as l lived. When somebody disrupts my thought process, I get distracted and I usually make stupid mistakes... At which time somebody else has to correct what I did, because I have no idea how to fix whatever went wrong. I hate that like something I can't explain. It makes me feel useless and stupid. When I'm by myself, I can think things through and there's nobody there to disrupt my thought process, so even if I make a mistake I can catch it right away... No problem. When there are too many things going on around me I can't concentrate. People ask me questions about things in order to prevent the wrong thing from happening and.mistakes get made. Couple that with a need to prove to people how capable you are about things... And what you have is a giant mess. A mess that nobody else thinks is a mess because they just get over it right away like nothing happened. It does no good to try and tell people how bad I feel. They don't think it's that big a deal anyway. I am alone in this. I have to find something to do with this horrible, sinking... I just wanna cry sorta feeling. I have no idea what to do. There's no place that I can go and work it out.. I've just gotta act like Nothing's wrong. I hate it. I just fucking hate it. I wonder where everybody else gets this magical ability to just recover from things and go on. I soooooo wish I had that! I don't understand what that's like. How can you even explain how bad something is, when everybody's trying to convince you it's not? Does all of this prove that I really do have AS? I wish I knew. I wish I had money to even be tested for it!!!!!! I can't handle just a suspicion of having it anymore. I need to know!!! What am I going to do?
Friday, September 28, 2012
Just Some Busy Nothing's
Have no idea what I should write about today. Really... My mind is blank, which is weird because even when I'm sitting quietly, I have a million ideas of things I wanna write or look up, or something. So, if I were to randomly write like I randomly say things out loud, would I get anywhere? Hmmm... William Saroyan is hurried here, ya know... In the town where I live. He was born and died here... But went many places in between. I've often wondered which house was his. It's not a tourist attraction or anything. Guess no one offered to take up that job... So his house is sitting in a neighborhood here, but who would know about it? Anyway... I don't think I know any of his writing. Fresno State has a lot of info on him, because he (of course) was born here.
They are supposed to have one of the best Creative Writing programs around, but I can't afford to enroll anyway. Everything is so freaking expensive now, you know? How does anybody afford anything? My nephew has put together this rather sophisticated Lego train. He's asked me to play with him, and I told him I would. :). Poor kid! I mean... I've blown him off so much lately :). So I think I should fix that! Later!
They are supposed to have one of the best Creative Writing programs around, but I can't afford to enroll anyway. Everything is so freaking expensive now, you know? How does anybody afford anything? My nephew has put together this rather sophisticated Lego train. He's asked me to play with him, and I told him I would. :). Poor kid! I mean... I've blown him off so much lately :). So I think I should fix that! Later!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
The Duh I Don't Get: Figures of Speech
The Duh I Don't Get: Figures of Speech: Ha! I may have an English degree, but I don't know why a "figure of speech" is called a figure of speech. I know what it IS... But I don't...
Figures of Speech
Ha! I may have an English degree, but I don't know why a "figure of speech" is called a figure of speech. I know what it IS... But I don't know why it's called by that name. For instance, if I said "That kid was 'screaming bloody murder'", that's a figure of speech that means a child was screaming really loudly... And it was frightening... Yeah? I mean, I suppose that if anyone literally walked into a room and yelled the words "bloody murder," this would be pretty startling. Anyway, I suppose this figure of speech is supposed to be more creative at conveying emotion because it gives us this "picture" (in this case... Blood?) to express how horrible the screams sounded. (yikes!). Anyway, what's wrong with just saying the child's screams were way too loud or something like that? Is it boring? Is it too direct? Does it make us SOUND intelligent? (We think?) to say "bloody murder"?
I'm inclined to think it's the third choice. But I think figure's of speech are also ways of simplifying complicated ideas. Concepts that can take paragraphs to explain are simplified to a single statement. For instance, if you say to a person
"Beggars can't be choosers". That means, someone who has been going crazy wanting something in any variety they can get CAN'T then say, "No I want a different KIND" when that thing comes their way... A car, for example. But to say all that every time is a lot of words, so we "simplify" it, and use the figure of speech instead. I think the problem comes when the figures of speech become so "cliche'd" that we're not even sure what they literally mean anymore. For instance, if someone says, "We're gonna paint the town red.". That means. "We're gonna go out (to various places) and our goal is to have a lot of fun.". So what does red paint have to do with it? :). Just a figure of speech...sure. But what's that? :)
Anyway, this could be fun. I thought I'd take some figures of speech and explain what they literally mean...
1. "A spade is a spade"
This means the same thing as "what you see is what you get.". It means, you need to realistically accept what a person or situation actually is, rather than kidding yourself that there is something else there. It just "is what it is"... Nothing more.
2. "There's plenty of fish in the sea"
I think everybody hates and loves this one at the same time. It conveys both agony and joy. It means don't worry about the person that you're no longer romantically involved with, because there are plenty of others you can meet.
3. "So, that's the way the wind blows."
It means, so that's the result of something someone did, or that's the outcome of certain choices. It's usually used when someone has had a feeling that something's been going on around them, but they aren't sure what. But it means negativity, like "oh, so that's what's been going on behind my back," or "without me knowing about it."
4. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."
This means if someone has been around a long time and they are used to doing things a certain way, chances are, others won't succeed at teaching them to do those things a different way. They are "set in their ways," as people say.
5. "Snooze ya loose!"
It pretty much explains itself: hurry and get it before it's gone! If you wait, there won't be any left.
6. "If that's not the pot calling the kettle black!"
This means basically, if you don't want to be judged, then do not judge others (please).
7. "When it rains, it pours!"
This refers to when a person spends a long time waiting to see even the smallest results of what they've done, and all of the sudden, everything they've waited for seems to come too fast, and all at once. This can refer to positive or negative circumstances... Yours personally, or someone else's.
8. "You could just knock me over with a feather!"
This means, I'm so shocked and surprised by what's happened I can barely stand up! (you could say).
9. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
This means I can show you all the steps you need to take to get certain results, but I can't make you actually do the work.
Or, even more accurately, it means "I can offer you the help you need, but I can't make you accept it."
10. "That man is such a stuffed shirt."
Why do we say "stuffed shirt"? This refers to someone who we believe is angry much of the time because of their seemingly "aloof" personality. They don't seem to speak much and show very little expression of feeling. Sometimes it refers to someone who we believe is generally no fun.
11. I'm walking on eggshells"
This is a person who is scared and nervous around another person because that person tends to get angry easily. The easiest translation is: "I don't know what to do because I'm afraid I'll do the wrong thing."
12. "I've created a monster."
This means something started out as a good idea but now it's too big for me to handle.
So what's the point of this? Well, this blog is called The "duh"I don't get, because when people point out something that they believe is just "common" sense (or that it doesn't even need to be said), they'll say "Duh!". But not everyone gets what they mean. To take this a bit further, people with Autism or AS often have a hard time I think with figures of speech, or cliche's because the meaning of a figure of speech is implied, rather than stated directly. The meaning is "underneath" the words you could say. This can be a mess for some people to pick through, where as, for neuro-typicals tend to use figures of speech much more than saying things literally. Pretty interesting I think! :)
I'm inclined to think it's the third choice. But I think figure's of speech are also ways of simplifying complicated ideas. Concepts that can take paragraphs to explain are simplified to a single statement. For instance, if you say to a person
"Beggars can't be choosers". That means, someone who has been going crazy wanting something in any variety they can get CAN'T then say, "No I want a different KIND" when that thing comes their way... A car, for example. But to say all that every time is a lot of words, so we "simplify" it, and use the figure of speech instead. I think the problem comes when the figures of speech become so "cliche'd" that we're not even sure what they literally mean anymore. For instance, if someone says, "We're gonna paint the town red.". That means. "We're gonna go out (to various places) and our goal is to have a lot of fun.". So what does red paint have to do with it? :). Just a figure of speech...sure. But what's that? :)
Anyway, this could be fun. I thought I'd take some figures of speech and explain what they literally mean...
1. "A spade is a spade"
This means the same thing as "what you see is what you get.". It means, you need to realistically accept what a person or situation actually is, rather than kidding yourself that there is something else there. It just "is what it is"... Nothing more.
2. "There's plenty of fish in the sea"
I think everybody hates and loves this one at the same time. It conveys both agony and joy. It means don't worry about the person that you're no longer romantically involved with, because there are plenty of others you can meet.
3. "So, that's the way the wind blows."
It means, so that's the result of something someone did, or that's the outcome of certain choices. It's usually used when someone has had a feeling that something's been going on around them, but they aren't sure what. But it means negativity, like "oh, so that's what's been going on behind my back," or "without me knowing about it."
4. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."
This means if someone has been around a long time and they are used to doing things a certain way, chances are, others won't succeed at teaching them to do those things a different way. They are "set in their ways," as people say.
5. "Snooze ya loose!"
It pretty much explains itself: hurry and get it before it's gone! If you wait, there won't be any left.
6. "If that's not the pot calling the kettle black!"
This means basically, if you don't want to be judged, then do not judge others (please).
7. "When it rains, it pours!"
This refers to when a person spends a long time waiting to see even the smallest results of what they've done, and all of the sudden, everything they've waited for seems to come too fast, and all at once. This can refer to positive or negative circumstances... Yours personally, or someone else's.
8. "You could just knock me over with a feather!"
This means, I'm so shocked and surprised by what's happened I can barely stand up! (you could say).
9. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
This means I can show you all the steps you need to take to get certain results, but I can't make you actually do the work.
Or, even more accurately, it means "I can offer you the help you need, but I can't make you accept it."
10. "That man is such a stuffed shirt."
Why do we say "stuffed shirt"? This refers to someone who we believe is angry much of the time because of their seemingly "aloof" personality. They don't seem to speak much and show very little expression of feeling. Sometimes it refers to someone who we believe is generally no fun.
11. I'm walking on eggshells"
This is a person who is scared and nervous around another person because that person tends to get angry easily. The easiest translation is: "I don't know what to do because I'm afraid I'll do the wrong thing."
12. "I've created a monster."
This means something started out as a good idea but now it's too big for me to handle.
So what's the point of this? Well, this blog is called The "duh"I don't get, because when people point out something that they believe is just "common" sense (or that it doesn't even need to be said), they'll say "Duh!". But not everyone gets what they mean. To take this a bit further, people with Autism or AS often have a hard time I think with figures of speech, or cliche's because the meaning of a figure of speech is implied, rather than stated directly. The meaning is "underneath" the words you could say. This can be a mess for some people to pick through, where as, for neuro-typicals tend to use figures of speech much more than saying things literally. Pretty interesting I think! :)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Through the Looking Glass
It seems to me that people with AS or Autism feel a great deal of empathy for others... But they feel it (or see it) through the mirror of their own experiences.
I can't count how many times in conversation, I have apologized to the other person for turning the conversation back on myself. I understand... This is rude, and it makes the other person/people feel left out. I know I feel awful when I'm left out of conversations and I can't have the same understanding of a subject because somehow, something got lost in translation. Anyway, If I feel that way, how do others feel when I treat them the same way?
The sucky thing is that, usually, little things that bother me a great deal.... Don't have the same affect on others around me. "They" may not have even given such a trivial thing a second thought, but for me... That little thing would be a big deal. Damn... Just when I thought I had some common ground with somebody.
Anyway, I think we can feel empathy like we need to breathe air... Really.
But sometimes it doesn't "register" with us that our actions ( or lack there of) are not communicating the message that we are thinking and feeling at the time. For instance, we can see someone that we have missed like we can't explain, and want to run and give them the biggest bear hug and scream their name. But we worry a lot about leveling people with our strong sense of what we feel, so we learn to pull back, and not say as much. Sometimes what we don't say can really drive us nuts from the inside out, but for the sake of appearing "normal", we hold back. The irony being that we appear aloof and quiet and shy and perhaps even appear as though we can't stand up for ourselves. Add to this an often trusting and even gullible nature and... Well let's just say that we have to make sure that we know ourselves well enough to protect ourselves, don't we? More tomorrow! :)
I can't count how many times in conversation, I have apologized to the other person for turning the conversation back on myself. I understand... This is rude, and it makes the other person/people feel left out. I know I feel awful when I'm left out of conversations and I can't have the same understanding of a subject because somehow, something got lost in translation. Anyway, If I feel that way, how do others feel when I treat them the same way?
The sucky thing is that, usually, little things that bother me a great deal.... Don't have the same affect on others around me. "They" may not have even given such a trivial thing a second thought, but for me... That little thing would be a big deal. Damn... Just when I thought I had some common ground with somebody.
Anyway, I think we can feel empathy like we need to breathe air... Really.
But sometimes it doesn't "register" with us that our actions ( or lack there of) are not communicating the message that we are thinking and feeling at the time. For instance, we can see someone that we have missed like we can't explain, and want to run and give them the biggest bear hug and scream their name. But we worry a lot about leveling people with our strong sense of what we feel, so we learn to pull back, and not say as much. Sometimes what we don't say can really drive us nuts from the inside out, but for the sake of appearing "normal", we hold back. The irony being that we appear aloof and quiet and shy and perhaps even appear as though we can't stand up for ourselves. Add to this an often trusting and even gullible nature and... Well let's just say that we have to make sure that we know ourselves well enough to protect ourselves, don't we? More tomorrow! :)
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Getting to know you...
I'm notorious for trying too hard.
Just know that right off the top. I analyze things too much and tend to wear myself out. I can either feel so good or so (not good) about something that I can over correct all my actions and end up ruining something before it even starts.
Anyway, One thing I've always wondered about is how to know whether you are "leading" a guy or not. But I have to say first that I don't know WHY it is that most of the time, when you see the "criteria" for Autism and AS, it says "a lack of empathy for other people." I think this gives neurotypical people the impression that all Autistics are either like robots, or like Rain Man. Neither is true. In fact, to be quite honest, I myself have thought for a long time that those who are Autistic either cannot speak at all, or they are like "Rain Man".
I feel empathy down to my very bones. Like it gets right into the marrow. It's like a violent storm that won't settle down. Sometimes, between me feeling that empathy and EXPRESSING it...it's like there is either a "bad connection" or a "short circuit," if you will. I know what I want to express, but I can't ever seem to really get it out. This can cause strange things to happen, because rather than showing empathy...I show sheer frustration, anger, crankiness... Because I'm so bummed about not being able to fix everything and make it alright. I want to make everything perfect for everyone around me, but am forced to accept the fact that this is not possible.
Add to this, the fact that if you think this way, you're generally considered conceited... A perfectionist. People don't want be around you... That type of thing. Imagine a garden hose being turned on full blast, and right before the gush of water everywhere... The hose gets a kink. Now imagine that water is your (my) emotions. (Empathy). There's all kinds of water there...it's running FAST, and all you see getting out is...this... S l O W... Trickle.
A gentleman made a video in response to the question about guys and girls and dating and "leading". He said (and I agree with him) that it is not okay for a girl to ask a guy out. He did a thorough job talking about women being cautious and careful because many guys do not have the best intentions in mind. Got it. He spoke about physical touch, and I really got the sense that what he was referring to were boundaries. Where should the boundaries be in dating?
Okay, you know me...I'm gonna be perfectly honest here. This person's video response to that question really got me thinking about how I might respond if somebody asked me the same thing. It was really cool cause I got a lot of ideas :) Now, I will say it again, I do not know for certain whether I have AS or Autism. I need to be tested. Right now, I have a strong suspicion that I may have AS, which is what led to the writing of this blog. But, putting even that aside for a minute, I think the best way for me to word all of this is to just tell my own story.
Imagine a freshly peeled piece of fruit that has fallen in the dirt. I like peaches because they are so delicate, but the kind of fruit doesn't matter. Now imagine that fruit being kicked and stomped a bit, and turning brown because of the air... That sorta thing. In the end, you have a bruised mess that will most likely go unnoticed. Anyway, if I were to generally describe a certain "insecurity" that has sort of surrounded me or maybe "loomed" over me in life...I'd describe it like that. Having this general sense that I was unprotected. I wasn't really.
I was safe, I just always sensed that there was this very vulnerable sort of "aura" around my life, and in my mind, I always seemed to be looking for a place to...crawl inside and stay. A tent, a warm blanket, a cave... Ha ha. A private island all to myself? :). Maybe even my Mother's womb? Hmmm, sorry about the imagery there, but so it was. Like an infant, I always wanted somebody to hold me. Literally, yes, but what I mean is...I would imagine this, and long for it in my mind. These images in my head would help me feel safe. And I began to long to know the man that I would marry at a young age. I was still a kid when this longing started, but when I reached junior high school I began to have my first real enthusiasm about the time that I would have a boyfriend.
Now, don't misunderstand me. When I was 12 & 13, I was playing with Barbie's and watching "The Mickey Mouse Club.". I was not old enough to be emotionally involved in any way with boys... And believe me...I knew this'. Even at that young age, I was like a teacher at my school telling all these naive young girls that they were... Getting into things that were not appropriate for their age! I was SUPPOSED to play with Barbie's and watch the Mickey Mouse Club"... I was a little girl for crying out loud.
The thing is, the other girls and guys around me were generally doing things that I thought were absolutely ludicrous! For instance, dating, relationships... Boys... Dare I say...virginity (yep) :). The student's around me were nasty and crass and rather "rough around the edges" emotionally. It's occurring to me now, that these were the "neuro typical" students who apparently, did not have the sort of "social dyslexia" that I seemed to have. I got along with my instructors much better than my peers!
Now, when I became a teen ager, I became intensely interested in having a boyfriend. In many ways, I was the same as any other teen age girl...I wanted to be accepted and liked by my friends. I wanted to be talented (which I was) and have people notice it... Sure. But being "popular"...? There would be seconds in life when I would want it... But seconds are fleeting aren't they? My point is that popularity was never truly my thing because I've never been interested in "figuring out" what it is that makes a person popular. So, when I was the right age to date, I was not really into it because I was so apprehensive about it. Now when you take what I said about empathy (and me), and consider that the same goes for loyalty and then you try to apply that to the whole dating thing, what you have is a very WEIRD paradox.
This paradox existed because my sense of loyalty and "oneness" would not (if you will) allow me to date. Now, there's nothing wrong with going out with someone and having a wonderful night. But I'd much rather it be family, or close friend's. Anyway, when I was 16, I did meet the guy that I'd been waiting for. We had an intense relationship that lasted two years... And then, we abruptly broke up. Now, I'm just gonna say it...I have never completely gotten over him. I loved him and still do today. I realized then, that, as far as I knew, I didn't want anybody else. This is normal for a while after you lose somebody. You're hurting, you need time to recover, and in your mind, you're still loyal to that person (of course). So, we go through it... The stages of grief... The denial, shock, etc.
The thing is... For me, when I broke up with that person, it felt as though something inside of me started to bleed, if you will... And it never really stopped. And here, is where I must come into the present. Way back then, when I was 18, this terrible ache seemed to just plant itself inside somewhere. I recognized it alright. I'd had one other serious relationship before this guy. THAT relationship had been my "You can do much better...he's a jerk" relationship. When that break-up happened, of course, I thought I'd never get over it... I'd never been through it it before! But I definitely did get over that, and was eagerly anticipating whatever God had in store for me next. But, the second relationship (the one that lasted two years) left a pain with me that just blindsided me. It literally left me unable to enter into another relationship with someone else. I wanted to... And still want to. And for years, I've just thought that eventually someone else would come along. God would bring someone else into my life when the time was right.
Now, as much as I hate to admit this...I need to. I have become desperate for a relationship. Don't get me wrong... I GET that this is is NOT good. I don't want to cling on to anyone! (yes I do!). But I've always been afraid to admit this to people because this is the BIGGEST no no in relationships. Besides, who wants somebody who NEEDS them? Well, sometimes people do... And it always turns out sick. This is not for me. Momma didn't raise no fool, so... Suffice it to say, I know better than that! But what the heck happened to me anyway? Is this the "timeless" love I'd always wanted? It certainly has "endured.". But I wanted to be WITH him, not without him :(
So I've been wondering now, about those who have autism and AS... And the "world" they will step into in order to help them cope with the real one.
"I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with ghost's."
This was one of Hannah's lines from the English patient. Now that I know what I know about Autism and AS...it seems to me that the shock of losing him all those years ago caused me to create a world around me with his "ghost" in it. But you can't really have a relationship with a ghost (DUH!). I think, unconsciously, I did it to survive what I was going through. But then later... Even when I wanted to grow up and "thrive" instead of just surviving, I had no idea how to do this. I had no idea how to "cope" with the idea of allowing myself to be that deeply involved with anyone else. In my narrow scope of thinking, it was like... This is one shot...and that's all I know.
I was left with intense loneliness, and no matter how hard I would try to shake it off, I never really could. Now, I had friend's, and interests and I was online :). I was deeply involved in my church, I wrote all the time, I took college classes, I did volunteer work, I moved out of my mom's house and experienced a room mate for six months (which was a disaster :) but it was life experience. :). Moved back into mom's house and was eventually able to find an apartment on my own that I could afford! Anyway, as outta place as I felt I felt, I do believe I had a pretty exciting life. I loved living alone because U had all the quiet time I needed.
Why is all this important? Because I was told many times that I needed to have other interests...I needed to have a life. As far as I knew...I did! But I couldn't stop feeling so lousy! Here's the hardest one: "When you're not looking for it...it will be there." Great. Well, when I figure out how to wire my brain differently, I'll let ya know! This concept is crazy to me. The only thing I know to do is find your objective and go after it...period. But if I'm going after"him" in my mind, then how can he come to me and get me? I don't understand backing off and letting it COME to you. To me, there is no way that I could ever really "let it go.". I find that I just can't stop thinking about wanting to be in a relationship. It doesn't seem to matter what else I fill my mind with... fill my life with. I'm not a miserable person. I'm very proud of who God has made me to be. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't want a relationship. But anyway, there I go again being politically correct.
It's a relief to know that people with AS and Autism struggle with a lot of anxiety... Because I do! Trying not to be anxious doesn't work because it just burns more energy. So...all of this internal mess is bound to come "leaking out" at some point. Anyway... My sense of loyalty just won't allow me to date and do it comfortably. And that's okay because not everybody's made for that. I'd rather a nice guy get to know me gradually in my normal, everyday life... And then see what magic happens. It WILL happen...I'm sure of that...I just can't seem to meet the guy (as of yet). I'm sure it will happen at some point, but leading an unorthodox life in the first place because I'm wired differently can make the alone-ness seem too much at times...the huge irony being that Autism really means "one.". My relationship with Jesus helps me walk through the struggles and cope with this general sense that I just seem to stick out like a sore thumb.
But I choose to look at it like this: I am a pearl. A pearl of great price. The man who puts a ring on my finger, will have gained a timeless treasure. The price that my Savior paid for me, was NOT cheap... And the right man will know that. I cannot be cast before swine (if you will). I know that was never God's intent for me. My advice to ladies would be (hard as it can be), rise up, and know that God is saving you for just the right man at just the right time...And He WILL lead him to you. Position yourself, and patiently wait... (it may be a long time, but you can do it). When your husband wins you, he'll love you with all his heart.
My hope, is that I can just "mind my own business" long enough for him to step into my life. He's out there...I know it. And I believe that one day, when I am just being completely consumed with the amazing woman that I am, he'll be watching me...whoever he is. :)
Just know that right off the top. I analyze things too much and tend to wear myself out. I can either feel so good or so (not good) about something that I can over correct all my actions and end up ruining something before it even starts.
Anyway, One thing I've always wondered about is how to know whether you are "leading" a guy or not. But I have to say first that I don't know WHY it is that most of the time, when you see the "criteria" for Autism and AS, it says "a lack of empathy for other people." I think this gives neurotypical people the impression that all Autistics are either like robots, or like Rain Man. Neither is true. In fact, to be quite honest, I myself have thought for a long time that those who are Autistic either cannot speak at all, or they are like "Rain Man".
I feel empathy down to my very bones. Like it gets right into the marrow. It's like a violent storm that won't settle down. Sometimes, between me feeling that empathy and EXPRESSING it...it's like there is either a "bad connection" or a "short circuit," if you will. I know what I want to express, but I can't ever seem to really get it out. This can cause strange things to happen, because rather than showing empathy...I show sheer frustration, anger, crankiness... Because I'm so bummed about not being able to fix everything and make it alright. I want to make everything perfect for everyone around me, but am forced to accept the fact that this is not possible.
Add to this, the fact that if you think this way, you're generally considered conceited... A perfectionist. People don't want be around you... That type of thing. Imagine a garden hose being turned on full blast, and right before the gush of water everywhere... The hose gets a kink. Now imagine that water is your (my) emotions. (Empathy). There's all kinds of water there...it's running FAST, and all you see getting out is...this... S l O W... Trickle.
A gentleman made a video in response to the question about guys and girls and dating and "leading". He said (and I agree with him) that it is not okay for a girl to ask a guy out. He did a thorough job talking about women being cautious and careful because many guys do not have the best intentions in mind. Got it. He spoke about physical touch, and I really got the sense that what he was referring to were boundaries. Where should the boundaries be in dating?
Okay, you know me...I'm gonna be perfectly honest here. This person's video response to that question really got me thinking about how I might respond if somebody asked me the same thing. It was really cool cause I got a lot of ideas :) Now, I will say it again, I do not know for certain whether I have AS or Autism. I need to be tested. Right now, I have a strong suspicion that I may have AS, which is what led to the writing of this blog. But, putting even that aside for a minute, I think the best way for me to word all of this is to just tell my own story.
Imagine a freshly peeled piece of fruit that has fallen in the dirt. I like peaches because they are so delicate, but the kind of fruit doesn't matter. Now imagine that fruit being kicked and stomped a bit, and turning brown because of the air... That sorta thing. In the end, you have a bruised mess that will most likely go unnoticed. Anyway, if I were to generally describe a certain "insecurity" that has sort of surrounded me or maybe "loomed" over me in life...I'd describe it like that. Having this general sense that I was unprotected. I wasn't really.
I was safe, I just always sensed that there was this very vulnerable sort of "aura" around my life, and in my mind, I always seemed to be looking for a place to...crawl inside and stay. A tent, a warm blanket, a cave... Ha ha. A private island all to myself? :). Maybe even my Mother's womb? Hmmm, sorry about the imagery there, but so it was. Like an infant, I always wanted somebody to hold me. Literally, yes, but what I mean is...I would imagine this, and long for it in my mind. These images in my head would help me feel safe. And I began to long to know the man that I would marry at a young age. I was still a kid when this longing started, but when I reached junior high school I began to have my first real enthusiasm about the time that I would have a boyfriend.
Now, don't misunderstand me. When I was 12 & 13, I was playing with Barbie's and watching "The Mickey Mouse Club.". I was not old enough to be emotionally involved in any way with boys... And believe me...I knew this'. Even at that young age, I was like a teacher at my school telling all these naive young girls that they were... Getting into things that were not appropriate for their age! I was SUPPOSED to play with Barbie's and watch the Mickey Mouse Club"... I was a little girl for crying out loud.
The thing is, the other girls and guys around me were generally doing things that I thought were absolutely ludicrous! For instance, dating, relationships... Boys... Dare I say...virginity (yep) :). The student's around me were nasty and crass and rather "rough around the edges" emotionally. It's occurring to me now, that these were the "neuro typical" students who apparently, did not have the sort of "social dyslexia" that I seemed to have. I got along with my instructors much better than my peers!
Now, when I became a teen ager, I became intensely interested in having a boyfriend. In many ways, I was the same as any other teen age girl...I wanted to be accepted and liked by my friends. I wanted to be talented (which I was) and have people notice it... Sure. But being "popular"...? There would be seconds in life when I would want it... But seconds are fleeting aren't they? My point is that popularity was never truly my thing because I've never been interested in "figuring out" what it is that makes a person popular. So, when I was the right age to date, I was not really into it because I was so apprehensive about it. Now when you take what I said about empathy (and me), and consider that the same goes for loyalty and then you try to apply that to the whole dating thing, what you have is a very WEIRD paradox.
This paradox existed because my sense of loyalty and "oneness" would not (if you will) allow me to date. Now, there's nothing wrong with going out with someone and having a wonderful night. But I'd much rather it be family, or close friend's. Anyway, when I was 16, I did meet the guy that I'd been waiting for. We had an intense relationship that lasted two years... And then, we abruptly broke up. Now, I'm just gonna say it...I have never completely gotten over him. I loved him and still do today. I realized then, that, as far as I knew, I didn't want anybody else. This is normal for a while after you lose somebody. You're hurting, you need time to recover, and in your mind, you're still loyal to that person (of course). So, we go through it... The stages of grief... The denial, shock, etc.
The thing is... For me, when I broke up with that person, it felt as though something inside of me started to bleed, if you will... And it never really stopped. And here, is where I must come into the present. Way back then, when I was 18, this terrible ache seemed to just plant itself inside somewhere. I recognized it alright. I'd had one other serious relationship before this guy. THAT relationship had been my "You can do much better...he's a jerk" relationship. When that break-up happened, of course, I thought I'd never get over it... I'd never been through it it before! But I definitely did get over that, and was eagerly anticipating whatever God had in store for me next. But, the second relationship (the one that lasted two years) left a pain with me that just blindsided me. It literally left me unable to enter into another relationship with someone else. I wanted to... And still want to. And for years, I've just thought that eventually someone else would come along. God would bring someone else into my life when the time was right.
Now, as much as I hate to admit this...I need to. I have become desperate for a relationship. Don't get me wrong... I GET that this is is NOT good. I don't want to cling on to anyone! (yes I do!). But I've always been afraid to admit this to people because this is the BIGGEST no no in relationships. Besides, who wants somebody who NEEDS them? Well, sometimes people do... And it always turns out sick. This is not for me. Momma didn't raise no fool, so... Suffice it to say, I know better than that! But what the heck happened to me anyway? Is this the "timeless" love I'd always wanted? It certainly has "endured.". But I wanted to be WITH him, not without him :(
So I've been wondering now, about those who have autism and AS... And the "world" they will step into in order to help them cope with the real one.
"I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with ghost's."
This was one of Hannah's lines from the English patient. Now that I know what I know about Autism and AS...it seems to me that the shock of losing him all those years ago caused me to create a world around me with his "ghost" in it. But you can't really have a relationship with a ghost (DUH!). I think, unconsciously, I did it to survive what I was going through. But then later... Even when I wanted to grow up and "thrive" instead of just surviving, I had no idea how to do this. I had no idea how to "cope" with the idea of allowing myself to be that deeply involved with anyone else. In my narrow scope of thinking, it was like... This is one shot...and that's all I know.
I was left with intense loneliness, and no matter how hard I would try to shake it off, I never really could. Now, I had friend's, and interests and I was online :). I was deeply involved in my church, I wrote all the time, I took college classes, I did volunteer work, I moved out of my mom's house and experienced a room mate for six months (which was a disaster :) but it was life experience. :). Moved back into mom's house and was eventually able to find an apartment on my own that I could afford! Anyway, as outta place as I felt I felt, I do believe I had a pretty exciting life. I loved living alone because U had all the quiet time I needed.
Why is all this important? Because I was told many times that I needed to have other interests...I needed to have a life. As far as I knew...I did! But I couldn't stop feeling so lousy! Here's the hardest one: "When you're not looking for it...it will be there." Great. Well, when I figure out how to wire my brain differently, I'll let ya know! This concept is crazy to me. The only thing I know to do is find your objective and go after it...period. But if I'm going after"him" in my mind, then how can he come to me and get me? I don't understand backing off and letting it COME to you. To me, there is no way that I could ever really "let it go.". I find that I just can't stop thinking about wanting to be in a relationship. It doesn't seem to matter what else I fill my mind with... fill my life with. I'm not a miserable person. I'm very proud of who God has made me to be. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't want a relationship. But anyway, there I go again being politically correct.
It's a relief to know that people with AS and Autism struggle with a lot of anxiety... Because I do! Trying not to be anxious doesn't work because it just burns more energy. So...all of this internal mess is bound to come "leaking out" at some point. Anyway... My sense of loyalty just won't allow me to date and do it comfortably. And that's okay because not everybody's made for that. I'd rather a nice guy get to know me gradually in my normal, everyday life... And then see what magic happens. It WILL happen...I'm sure of that...I just can't seem to meet the guy (as of yet). I'm sure it will happen at some point, but leading an unorthodox life in the first place because I'm wired differently can make the alone-ness seem too much at times...the huge irony being that Autism really means "one.". My relationship with Jesus helps me walk through the struggles and cope with this general sense that I just seem to stick out like a sore thumb.
But I choose to look at it like this: I am a pearl. A pearl of great price. The man who puts a ring on my finger, will have gained a timeless treasure. The price that my Savior paid for me, was NOT cheap... And the right man will know that. I cannot be cast before swine (if you will). I know that was never God's intent for me. My advice to ladies would be (hard as it can be), rise up, and know that God is saving you for just the right man at just the right time...And He WILL lead him to you. Position yourself, and patiently wait... (it may be a long time, but you can do it). When your husband wins you, he'll love you with all his heart.
My hope, is that I can just "mind my own business" long enough for him to step into my life. He's out there...I know it. And I believe that one day, when I am just being completely consumed with the amazing woman that I am, he'll be watching me...whoever he is. :)
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Vulnerability
I want to be brief today.
I wonder if the length of my last post is evidence that I really do have AS. :)
The idea of God is very precious to me. I want so badly for others to know the joy that I've been able to experience... And sometimes I try to "explain" people into it. People have to come to their own understanding of God in their own time. Sometimes it just breaks my heart to think that anyone might never know Him because the feeling might be that he is inaccessible, or that He doesn't care about people.
It's been my experience that God knows my heart, my desires and feelings. And he knows them perfectly. When I need to verbalize everything going on around me, I know that God never gets tired of hearing me... No matter how many times I say things. This is such a comfort to me because I know I sometimes I ware people out with all my words. I can soften up. I can relax. The walls I have created around me can come down. Genuine vulnerability. It's wonderful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W09cYDx4Bp4
I wonder if the length of my last post is evidence that I really do have AS. :)
The idea of God is very precious to me. I want so badly for others to know the joy that I've been able to experience... And sometimes I try to "explain" people into it. People have to come to their own understanding of God in their own time. Sometimes it just breaks my heart to think that anyone might never know Him because the feeling might be that he is inaccessible, or that He doesn't care about people.
It's been my experience that God knows my heart, my desires and feelings. And he knows them perfectly. When I need to verbalize everything going on around me, I know that God never gets tired of hearing me... No matter how many times I say things. This is such a comfort to me because I know I sometimes I ware people out with all my words. I can soften up. I can relax. The walls I have created around me can come down. Genuine vulnerability. It's wonderful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W09cYDx4Bp4
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