Getting to know you...

I'm notorious for trying too hard.

Just know that right off the top. I analyze things too much and tend to wear myself out. I can either feel so good or so (not good) about something that I can over correct all my actions and end up ruining something before it even starts.

Anyway, One thing I've always wondered about is how to know whether you are "leading" a guy or not. But I have to say first that I don't know WHY it is that most of the time, when you see the "criteria" for Autism and AS, it says "a lack of empathy for other people." I think this gives neurotypical people the impression that all Autistics are either like robots, or like Rain Man. Neither is true. In fact, to be quite honest, I myself have thought for a long time that those who are Autistic either cannot speak at all, or they are like "Rain Man".

I feel empathy down to my very bones. Like it gets right into the marrow. It's like a violent storm that won't settle down. Sometimes, between me feeling that empathy and EXPRESSING it...it's like there is either a "bad connection" or a "short circuit," if you will. I know what I want to express, but I can't ever seem to really get it out. This can cause strange things to happen, because rather than showing empathy...I show sheer frustration, anger, crankiness... Because I'm so bummed about not being able to fix everything and make it alright. I want to make everything perfect for everyone around me, but am forced to accept the fact that this is not possible.

Add to this, the fact that if you think this way, you're generally considered conceited... A perfectionist. People don't want be around you... That type of thing. Imagine a garden hose being turned on full blast, and right before the gush of water everywhere... The hose gets a kink. Now imagine that water is your (my) emotions. (Empathy). There's all kinds of water there...it's running FAST, and all you see getting out is...this... S l O W... Trickle.

A gentleman made a video in response to the question about guys and girls and dating and "leading". He said (and I agree with him) that it is not okay for a girl to ask a guy out. He did a thorough job talking about women being cautious and careful because many guys do not have the best intentions in mind. Got it. He spoke about physical touch, and I really got the sense that what he was referring to were boundaries. Where should the boundaries be in dating?

Okay, you know me...I'm gonna be perfectly honest here. This person's video response to that question really got me thinking about how I might respond if somebody asked me the same thing. It was really cool cause I got a lot of ideas :) Now, I will say it again, I do not know for certain whether I have AS or Autism. I need to be tested. Right now, I have a strong suspicion that I may have AS, which is what led to the writing of this blog. But, putting even that aside for a minute, I think the best way for me to word all of this is to just tell my own story.

Imagine a freshly peeled piece of fruit that has fallen in the dirt. I like peaches because they are so delicate, but the kind of fruit doesn't matter. Now imagine that fruit being kicked and stomped a bit, and turning brown because of the air... That sorta thing. In the end, you have a bruised mess that will most likely go unnoticed. Anyway, if I were to generally describe a certain "insecurity" that has sort of surrounded me or maybe "loomed" over me in life...I'd describe it like that. Having this general sense that I was unprotected. I wasn't really.

I was safe, I just always sensed that there was this very vulnerable sort of "aura" around my life, and in my mind, I always seemed to be looking for a place to...crawl inside and stay. A tent, a warm blanket, a cave... Ha ha. A private island all to myself? :). Maybe even my Mother's womb? Hmmm, sorry about the imagery there, but so it was. Like an infant, I always wanted somebody to hold me. Literally, yes, but what I mean is...I would imagine this, and long for it in my mind. These images in my head would help me feel safe. And I began to long to know the man that I would marry at a young age. I was still a kid when this longing started, but when I reached junior high school I began to have my first real enthusiasm about the time that I would have a boyfriend.

Now, don't misunderstand me. When I was 12 & 13, I was playing with Barbie's and watching "The Mickey Mouse Club.". I was not old enough to be emotionally involved in any way with boys... And believe me...I knew this'. Even at that young age, I was like a teacher at my school telling all these naive young girls that they were... Getting into things that were not appropriate for their age! I was SUPPOSED to play with Barbie's and watch the Mickey Mouse Club"... I was a little girl for crying out loud.

The thing is, the other girls and guys around me were generally doing things that I thought were absolutely ludicrous! For instance, dating, relationships... Boys... Dare I say...virginity (yep) :). The student's around me were nasty and crass and rather "rough around the edges" emotionally. It's occurring to me now, that these were the "neuro typical" students who apparently, did not have the sort of "social dyslexia" that I seemed to have. I got along with my instructors much better than my peers!

Now, when I became a teen ager, I became intensely interested in having a boyfriend. In many ways, I was the same as any other teen age girl...I wanted to be accepted and liked by my friends. I wanted to be talented (which I was) and have people notice it... Sure. But being "popular"...? There would be seconds in life when I would want it... But seconds are fleeting aren't they? My point is that popularity was never truly my thing because I've never been interested in "figuring out" what it is that makes a person popular. So, when I was the right age to date, I was not really into it because I was so apprehensive about it. Now when you take what I said about empathy (and me), and consider that the same goes for loyalty and then you try to apply that to the whole dating thing, what you have is a very WEIRD paradox.

This paradox existed because my sense of loyalty and "oneness" would not (if you will) allow me to date. Now, there's nothing wrong with going out with someone and having a wonderful night. But I'd much rather it be family, or close friend's. Anyway, when I was 16, I did meet the guy that I'd been waiting for. We had an intense relationship that lasted two years... And then, we abruptly broke up. Now, I'm just gonna say it...I have never completely gotten over him. I loved him and still do today. I realized then, that, as far as I knew, I didn't want anybody else. This is normal for a while after you lose somebody. You're hurting, you need time to recover, and in your mind, you're still loyal to that person (of course). So, we go through it... The stages of grief... The denial, shock, etc.

The thing is... For me, when I broke up with that person, it felt as though something inside of me started to bleed, if you will... And it never really stopped. And here, is where I must come into the present. Way back then, when I was 18, this terrible ache seemed to just plant itself inside somewhere. I recognized it alright. I'd had one other serious relationship before this guy. THAT relationship had been my "You can do much better...he's a jerk" relationship. When that break-up happened, of course, I thought I'd never get over it... I'd never been through it it before! But I definitely did get over that, and was eagerly anticipating whatever God had in store for me next. But, the second relationship (the one that lasted two years) left a pain with me that just blindsided me. It literally left me unable to enter into another relationship with someone else. I wanted to... And still want to. And for years, I've just thought that eventually someone else would come along. God would bring someone else into my life when the time was right.

Now, as much as I hate to admit this...I need to. I have become desperate for a relationship. Don't get me wrong... I GET that this is is NOT good. I don't want to cling on to anyone! (yes I do!). But I've always been afraid to admit this to people because this is the BIGGEST no no in relationships. Besides, who wants somebody who NEEDS them? Well, sometimes people do... And it always turns out sick. This is not for me. Momma didn't raise no fool, so... Suffice it to say, I know better than that! But what the heck happened to me anyway? Is this the "timeless" love I'd always wanted? It certainly has "endured.". But I wanted to be WITH him, not without him :(
So I've been wondering now, about those who have autism and AS... And the "world" they will step into in order to help them cope with the real one.

"I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with ghost's."

This was one of Hannah's lines from the English patient. Now that I know what I know about Autism and AS...it seems to me that the shock of losing him all those years ago caused me to create a world around me with his "ghost" in it. But you can't really have a relationship with a ghost (DUH!). I think, unconsciously, I did it to survive what I was going through. But then later... Even when I wanted to grow up and "thrive" instead of just surviving, I had no idea how to do this. I had no idea how to "cope" with the idea of allowing myself to be that deeply involved with anyone else. In my narrow scope of thinking, it was like... This is one shot...and that's all I know.


I was left with intense loneliness, and no matter how hard I would try to shake it off, I never really could. Now, I had friend's, and interests and I was online :). I was deeply involved in my church, I wrote all the time, I took college classes, I did volunteer work, I moved out of my mom's house and experienced a room mate for six months (which was a disaster :) but it was life experience. :). Moved back into mom's house and was eventually able to find an apartment on my own that I could afford! Anyway, as outta place as I felt I felt, I do believe I had a pretty exciting life. I loved living alone because U had all the quiet time I needed.

Why is all this important? Because I was told many times that I needed to have other interests...I needed to have a life. As far as I knew...I did! But I couldn't stop feeling so lousy! Here's the hardest one: "When you're not looking for it...it will be there." Great. Well, when I figure out how to wire my brain differently, I'll let ya know! This concept is crazy to me. The only thing I know to do is find your objective and go after it...period. But if I'm going after"him" in my mind, then how can he come to me and get me? I don't understand backing off and letting it COME to you. To me, there is no way that I could ever really "let it go.". I find that I just can't stop thinking about wanting to be in a relationship. It doesn't seem to matter what else I fill my mind with... fill my life with. I'm not a miserable person. I'm very proud of who God has made me to be. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't want a relationship. But anyway, there I go again being politically correct.

It's a relief to know that people with AS and Autism struggle with a lot of anxiety... Because I do! Trying not to be anxious doesn't work because it just burns more energy. So...all of this internal mess is bound to come "leaking out" at some point. Anyway... My sense of loyalty just won't allow me to date and do it comfortably. And that's okay because not everybody's made for that. I'd rather a nice guy get to know me gradually in my normal, everyday life... And then see what magic happens. It WILL happen...I'm sure of that...I just can't seem to meet the guy (as of yet). I'm sure it will happen at some point, but leading an unorthodox life in the first place because I'm wired differently can make the alone-ness seem too much at times...the huge irony being that Autism really means "one.". My relationship with Jesus helps me walk through the struggles and cope with this general sense that I just seem to stick out like a sore thumb.

But I choose to look at it like this: I am a pearl. A pearl of great price. The man who puts a ring on my finger, will have gained a timeless treasure. The price that my Savior paid for me, was NOT cheap... And the right man will know that. I cannot be cast before swine (if you will). I know that was never God's intent for me. My advice to ladies would be (hard as it can be), rise up, and know that God is saving you for just the right man at just the right time...And He WILL lead him to you. Position yourself, and patiently wait... (it may be a long time, but you can do it). When your husband wins you, he'll love you with all his heart.

My hope, is that I can just "mind my own business" long enough for him to step into my life. He's out there...I know it. And I believe that one day, when I am just being completely consumed with the amazing woman that I am, he'll be watching me...whoever he is. :)